Let's Go to the Zoo. Let's Go Right Now!
July 07, 2006
Amy: The fuckin' zoo sucks, dude.
That Weird Kid From Jerry Maguire: YOU SAID FUCK!
Amy: Fuck yes I did, fucker.
Anyway. Hi. We went to the zoo today. Why did we go to the zoo today? I DON'T KNOW. It sounded like a good idea at the time, which was while Jason (who took an impromptu day off, or maybe he got fired, I do not know nor do I care, all I know is he woke up this morning and vacuumed the house) and I lingered over a lunch of wine and stinky cheeses, gazing at our angelic sleeping child. The zoo (which was just a few blocks away) definitely seemed like a good idea right then.
Jason: Noah loves animals! He'll love the zoo!
Amy: (thinking) Noah loves animals on the TV, just like he loves anything that's on the TV, including commercials for erectile dysfunction aids and So You Think You Can Dance.
Amy: (out loud) That's a great idea! Yes, let's go to the zoo.
So we went, and for several hours we wandered around the heavily-under-construction-completely-all-fucked-up National Zoo. Because it's the law, and because we love America, we went to see the pandas first. The female panda sat on a log. The male panda scratched his balls. Noah refused to even look in their general direction. Jason suggested we move on, but God DAMN it, I was not leaving the zoo without seeing that baby panda, who was born last July when I was hugely pregnant, marking the first and (hopefully) last time I actually felt insanely jealous of a panda.
The baby panda was sort of hiding behind a tree. I maneuvered my way through a crowd of photo-takers towards the far, far corner of the viewing area and sort-of half climbed up on the guard rail (WARNING: KEEP OFF GUARD RAIL) and twisted my torso over the rail until I saw the top of the baby panda's head.
I walked back to where Jason stood with the stroller. "Okay. I saw the stupid baby panda. We can go now."
"What did it look like?" Jason asked.
"Like a panda." I shrugged. "Although between you and me? I think Mei Xiang was stepping out on Tian Tian, if you know what I mean."
I elbowed him in the ribs suggestively. He did not have the foggiest idea what I meant.
We wandered around for awhile, marveling at the complete lack of visible animals, although this did nothing to damper our enthusiasm or determination to create magical awesome moments of childish wonder for Noah.
"NOAH! LOOK AT THE MONKEY! Wait, no. That's a rock."
"NOAH! LOOK AT...." (scanning exhibit for sign) "LOOK AT THE BAMBOO!" (pause) "Bamboo? Seriously? What the FUCK?"
"That's even worse than that sign over there labeled BEES AND WASPS, and there aren't even any of those either."
"Not that I'd really want to actually SEE bees or wasps..."
"No, me neither. I just dislike signs that LIE."
Finally, we actually saw some real live hot animal action.
"NOAH! LOOK AT THE BEAVERS! LOOK AT ALL THE BEAVERS! THE BEAVERS ARE EATING CARROTS, NOAH. AND THEY ARE ALL WET. HA HA HA WET CARROT-EATING BEAVERS."
Jason offered to buy me some ice cream after that, possibly to get me to shut up. I took Noah over to the sea lion exhibit so he could become entranced with a nearby garbage can. Jason returned right as one of the sea lions began barking loudly, which evoked the tiniest hint of a smile from Noah, which made both of us LOSE OUR DAMN MINDS.
"NOAH! LOOK AT THE SEA LIONS NOAH! NOAH! WHAT DO THE SEA LIONS SAY? ARF ARF ARF ARF!"
"Oh my God, you seriously bought a Choco Taco? From a stand called the BEAVER HUT?"
After the sea lion, the only other animal that Noah paid any attention to was a pigeon. He was actually pretty jazzed about the pigeon.
"Perhaps we should have waited until he was older to do the zoo," Jason said morosely as we stared at a map, desperately looking for the exit.
"Perhaps we should have remembered that we kind of hate the zoo," I sighed, "Every time we come here, we spend half the day staring at empty pseudo-exhibits of bamboo and fucking PRAIRIE GRASS and...wait. Where are we?"
Somehow we'd ended up on some remote outer walkway of the zoo, behind some kind of administration-like buildings, and as we tried to figure out WHERE THE DAMN ZOO WENT, a huge truck rumbled by and went through a large and imposing gate.
"Holy shit, " I whispered. "It's Jurassic Park. They so totally have raptors in that truck."
Jason (wisely) ignored me and pointed out that we were actually coming up on some kind of weird petting zoo thing. "Look," he said. "Goats!"
"OMG GOATS." I gasped. "THAT ONLY PROVES MY POINT."
We decided to not force Noah into petting the goats or cows ("He'll only get attached, and then it'll be that much worse when the T-Rex eats them.") ("God, Amy. It was barely funny the first time. Let it go.") and continued our march towards the exit. Noah saw another pigeon and shrieked with giddy delight.
Noah also seemed to really enjoy his very first cab ride (because fuck this walking shit, I think were my exact words), and on the way home Jason mentioned that hey, at least at this age Noah was too young to throw a temper tantrum and demand that we buy him some expensive stuffed animal from each of the zoo's 30-odd gift shops.
"Totally," I agreed. "Especially since it'd most likely be an animal that we hadn't actually seen that day."
"Seriously. Like a bee!"
"Or a raptor!"
"Exactly. Although after today, I'd have no problem buying him a nice stuffed beaver."
Our cab driver gave us only the slightest glance in the rear view mirror as we both dissolved into laughter. It was a great, great day.
I am first! FIRRRRRRRST. Next time you go to the zoo pretend to see animals. get excited. Yell and point. You will soon draw a couple of other peole who will actually think they see something. Great fun.
I was reveling in my firstness and forgot to say I LOVE YOUR BLOG. You are awesome.
I'm totally confused. I thought you were still at the beach! Beach? Zoo? NO! Why? Did you leave the beach early so you could go sweat at the zoo?
Or was this an old post you resurrected because you forgot you wrote it?
Beach. Zoo. CANNOT RECONCILE EVENTS IN MY FEEBLE MIND.
Love the part about Jurassic Park - that's totally what I would have thought!
Ha!
(oh, and did you REALLY say OMG? because, there have been a few times when I almost said "LOL" and I would be happy to hear that I'm not crazy. or that you are crazy too. or, whatever)
Not that you have time to serve as my personal tour guide (what with your wine and stinky cheeses) but we are headed to DC in a week or two. Should we skip the zoo? I didn't realize that it's "heavily-under-construction-completely-all-fucked-up". Geesh. Thanks much.
Jonniker - We came back from the beach late Tuesday night (Jason had an unmissable important meeting on Wednesday, which SUCKED). I think my last post mentioned that while I was no longer *technically* at the beach or on vacation, I was still taking an impromptu posting vacation, because blaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Your confusion probably proves my point that I am in need of further vacation time.
PaxilMama - Eh. I don't know. There's a HELLUVA lot of construction going on at the zoo right now. Most exhibits are open though, just be prepared to walk a little more than usual.
Also, go in the morning, not the afternoon. All the animals sleep in the hot, humid DC afternoons, a fact that we repeatedly remember when we show up at the zoo in the afternoon.
The last time I was at the Nat.l Zoo I ended up on a similar path that was not part of the main zoo area. That was where I saw the monkey with four asses. It was asstacular. No raptors though.
Last time I was at the zoo was chaperoning my daughter's kindergarten class. And the first thing we saw was two camels -- um... "hooking up". It was LOUD. And not pretty. And all the kids wanted to know what was going on. Good times.
I love the cheesy Jurrasic Park references. Would've cracked me up, and had the cab driver looking at me funny too.
And try living in a country where the national symbol seems to be the beaver. Yeah, that never gets old. ;-)
Our zoo has special late summer hours so that you can see the animals when it's not quite so hot and they're a little more active. You should check on that....when he's a little older.
We were actually thinking of going to a zoo-ish thing this weekend for Jojo. But you've confirmed for me that I'm kidding myself.
You have discovered why parents like myself take so many photos. It's to relieve our BOREDOM of yet another zoo, another playground, another music class... You get the idea.
Next time fill up a big 'ol Nalgene bottle with some wine cooler. That's another parenting tip.
You only live a few blocks from the National Zoo? I've totally been there! (Okay, seriously, I'm not a stalker, I just like that neighborhood.) At least it wasn't like the time I went to the zoo with my neices and nephew and the bear was playing with himself and the lions AND the leopards were getting it on. My neice said her first phrase. "Look at that!"
the last time I went to the zoo? i saw a woman, a really pretty on, with a man and two young kids. and she was wearing a t-shirt that said:
I have a pussy.
I make all the rules.
I SWEAR. TO GOD. AT THE ZOO. and I thought - well I have one too, what am I doing wrong?
Did you see her by any chance?
Huh. I usually sit here all jealous because look at all the cool shit Amalah has by where she lives.
Restaurants, historical monuments. Tourists to make the large fun of. That kind of thing.
But! We have the best zoo here! A zoo at which there are animals. That you can see!
I might live in B.F.E. where our idea of fine cuisine is the Texas Roadhouse (their salads, ironically, are the by God best thing on the menu), but we have a better zoo!
Hah!
(Please forgive, I've been out in the hot Texas sun wrangling a 3 year old whose favorite word is NO!!! and I might be just a teensy bit...well...psychotic)
See though, this post, in all of it's hilarity sums up all that I love about the zoo! No matter how shit of a time you think you're having when you're there you always, ALWAYS end up with a fantastic story. Always!
And that my dear, was a great, great post. Hilarious! I didn't want it to end. Enough about that:
Noah, dude, who do you think is going to win So You Think You Can Dance? I like SO many of them but think it might come down to either Natalie or Allison. Oh but I like Donyelle too. Your mom might disagree but I say take tips from Benji on how to have fun and be silly while taking tips from Dmitry on how to be just down right sexy and you will have to beat the girls away. Not that you won't already have to do that and not that your mom won't be carrying a whoop-ass stick of her own. (running from Amy who will beat me for even mentioning Noah and girls and sexy in the same sentence)
Oh, and Noah, did you maybe see the host at the zoo? She might lead a secret life as a giraffe or at least that's what she kind of looked like a couple of weeks ago. You know what, just have your mom do a post on SYTYCD.
Panda cafe, my darlings. Go to the Panda Cafe--no tourists, no twisty wires, and a far better view of the pandas. even the baby.
At the LA zoo, the animals are out and about (maybe because it's cooler?), but you're still regretting the visit, because all they do is crap and piss.
Unless you're me. Because an elephant pissing? Is fascinating. The volume! The pressure!
You forgot to mention that the zoo was built on a rediculously steep hill and after you have seen all the nonanimals on the way down you have to shlep back up.
Here's a metro tip for all you touristas coming to the nonzoo....don't get off at the zoo metro stop, Woodley Park/Zoo. It's a pretty good walk up hill to the zoo. Instead, go one stop past Woodley Park (if you are coming from DC) and get off at Cleveland Park and walk down the hill. It's only a few blocks and a much easier walk.
I was going to go take Joey to the zoo...I thought it would be fun. But, no one else wants to go....I think I know why now...! Sounds dreadful....
WET CARROT-EATING BEAVERS.
i uh really took that the wrong way, i re read it and it is stiull a very sexyal post . u do know you will get wet beaver google hits now
LOL
Oh Jeebus, that almost made me wet myself.
My funniest zoo story involves a 3 or 4 year-old at the San Diego Zoo who was dangling a rubber snake over the monkey exhibit. He, of course, dropped it - and two monkeys fought over it until one wrestled it away from the other and ran off into a tree.
We laughed and laughed. So did his mom.
I enjoyed today's entry. It was particularly sweary. Can't do that at your other blog, can you?
Tomorrow morning we are going to have Early Hours with a Keeper at the WORLD FAMOUS San Diego Zoo.
Mine's 12 though, so I don't get to indulge in wet beaver humor. At least not out loud.
Too funny!
I felt slightly ripped off when I went to the Zoo back in February. Furthermore, it doesn't sound like the pandas have expanded their repertoire much. :-)
oh my god! that whole jurassic park thing is hillarious :)
Loved the choco taco at the beaver hut. But must admit long moments of confusion when I mistakenly thought I read this sentence:
"The male panda scratched his balls. Noah refused to even look in their genital direction."
Erm. Sleep deprivation. That's all I can say.
My favourite zoo memory is of the mommy who kept pointing out animals to her young son who was strapped into a stroller. Sadly for the kid, all the exhibits were surounded by hedges and they were above head level for him, so all he probably thought was, "Damn, all these fucking animals look like hedges".
Perspective.
Bahahah!
Well, *I* found the Jurassic Park references funny.
*beams*
-Aly
Ha! I so hate the National Zoo. I've always contended that 80% of the exhibits are empty, and that they just put up signs so people will think that there really are animals in there and that they're just sleeping, or on vacation or something. I swear, I've been there a dozen times and have never once seen a shred of evidence that the wolf exhibit is occupied.
I love choco tacos!
I love the National Zoo, but you don't want to go there in July. This can't be your first July in DC?
It's like going to Disney's Animal Kingdom or Busch Gardens in the summer. All you will see are the ass-ends of animals napping in the shade, because they are way smarter than we are. Take Noah back around November, he'll be older and the animals will be moving around.
And the photos of that child on the beach? Cutest things ever.
but it's the baby panda's first birthday! didn't they have cake, or carrots, or something?
(I love your blog!)
I must have seen the zoo at a FREAK MOMENT because I think we saw everything we set out to see:
zooooooo pictures
at least at this age, you don't get much of a protest when it's time to leave. they get into it when they're older, but the downside is they don't want to leave (i got a picture of my daughter throwing herself on the ground because she wanted to stay at the zoo forever).
Our Easter tradition is to go to the zoo. We've done it every year since Tacy was a year old, even in 2005 when CJ wasn't even three months old.
2003-2005 were all at the Bronx Zoo, which is a wonderful zoo, but really fucking expensive. 2006 was at the Denver Zoo, which is a somewhat less wonderful zoo, but doesn't nickle and dime for every attraction (and parking is free).
I never did make it to the National Zoo when I lived in NoVA.
I live in North Carolina. On Sunday, I drove to Richmond, Va with my three kids, to my friend's house (who also has three kids). Together we took our 6 KIDS!!!! To Springfield, Va to hop on eth Metro and go to DC to see the zoo. We did this on Monday (the 3rd). We took our 6 kids through the metro, walked the half mile to the National Zoo, then walked around the Zoo, downhill. One kid got lost. For about 30 mins we looked, secruity looked, we freaked out...then he wandered up and said "Were'd ya'll go?" Apparently WE were the ones lost. At that point we looked at the Pandas, because you can't see those in NC, and then decided that it was too hot, and crowded and we were so not in the mood anymore, to walk downhill then turn around and walk back uphill. So we left.
My kids had more fun on eth metro anyway. We don't have those in NC either. We could have spent the whole day just rising back and forth on eth train and they woul dhave been thrilled. It was the adults were were dead set on seeing teh damn Pandas.
I thought about you while we were there though
We took Will to the zoo last Sunday. I kept pointing out the animals, and he kept looking at leaves. Finally he showed some interest in a peacock, and then ohh... "a leaf" Logically I know that 7 months is too young to take him to the zoo, but for some reason we have now ben twice. And for the record Cincy may be an armpit, but we have a rockin zoo. Tons of animals, pretty plants, and yummy ice cream with sprinkles!
We went to the zoo in Seattle last month for a first grade field trip. Despite the pouring rain, we saw practically everything because I am a map maniac, plotting a course and tracing our journey in pen so we don't accidentally retrace our steps. (you should see me at Disneyland!)
Also, mating season at the zoo.
We went to the Zoo a few weeks ago (okay, like in May), when we visited D.C. and in my parent's zest to do everything D.C. had to offer in a week, we walked all around the entire thing multiple times. I have seen every animal in the zoo. I was really excited at first, because I am 17 and I haven't been to a zoo since I was 1, which doesn't count. Then, later, as my father pointed out, wherever you walk you are still going in an uphill direction, and it was exhausting.
I was hoping you would possibly walk by at some point during my trip and then I could be really squeally and you would sort of nicely make fun of me on your blog, but you didn't. Although I don't know why you would be hanging out at the Washington Monument, the Capitol Building, the Jefferson, F.D.R., Lincoln, WWII or Korean War Memorials. Or the Metro.
P.S. Your three-story-long escalators are the COOLEST THING EVER.
We've had pretty good luck with family pets and livestock (local state fair?) with our little one. I'm sorry your zoo experience sucked but at least the pigeon didn't traumatize him by pooping on him or something after he fell in love with it!
(oh, and btw, thank you SO MUCH for your revelation about goldfish crackers! I thought I was the only one and such a damned pig!)
This is the reason for why I haven't been to the zoo since my 8th grade class trip.
My uncle wants me to go with him and my three cousins to the zoo next week. I politely declined and told him I'd rather be trampled during a stampede.
I want to say something witty and entertaining that will bring people linking to my blog in droves, but honest to god I just can't stop laughing. You are a funny, funny woman.
I'm trying to figure out if the choco-taco or the Jurassic Parks jokes were funnier. hehehe Thanks for the entertainment. Awesome post!
Upon seeing a beaver for the first time, at the zoo, all close-up like, my thoughtless comment was:
"God. I didn't know beavers could get so big."
*snort*
You realize that from now on, you'll get at least one clueless person a month finding your blog after doing a search for "wet beavers," right?
The Wet Carrot-Eating Beavers would be great name for a rock band, it must be said. Or, erm, some kind of band, anyway...
Great post, Amy.
Is Noah still pooping sand?
Brighton's comment at 6:50 PM made me giggle. Poor child.
Oops, sorry Amy. I obviously read that one a little too quickly, distracted by the pictures of Noah's little adult expressions and sand-laden feces. And then I read Tracey's account that she was still there, and I was all, "Fwalah?"
The Baltimore zoo has a handful of live, awake, viewable animals. And a baby chimp. Take your baby to see the baby chimp and prepare to have your mind blown.
B-more's isn't free, though. And, uh, kind of far. But still. Baby chimp. Mind blown.
1. I'm sorry you had a crappy zoo trip. My husband and I had an awesome spontaneous-zoo-trip a few weeks ago... and I got a frozen Snickers bar from that VERY SAME vending machine whence came your Choco Taco. Kewl.
2. Panda cam. The zoo has at least two panda cams at its website, and I have derived much baby panda viewing pleasure thanks to those - maybe they would satisfy your craving. Also, all sorts of other fun cams. Next time you get the urge (and it may be awhile), you could try showing Noah the cams first to see if he reacts to the animals... though it may just be him reacting to the TV-like computer screen. But maybe worth a shot?
3. OMG if you ever do go back, please please go to the invertebrate house and spend some time with the cuttlefish. That thing blew our minds last time, with the changing colors and flirty, coy movements to and from the glass -- I swear it was looking at us; its pupils (very weird, W-shaped pupils) were dilating and it was flashing spots and colors at us. We spent more time with it than anything else that day, and it was totally awesome. If only they had a cuttlefish cam!
The end.