Let's Go to the Zoo. Let's Go Right Now!
July 07, 2006
Amy: The fuckin' zoo sucks, dude.
That Weird Kid From Jerry Maguire: YOU SAID FUCK!
Amy: Fuck yes I did, fucker.
Anyway. Hi. We went to the zoo today. Why did we go to the zoo today? I DON'T KNOW. It sounded like a good idea at the time, which was while Jason (who took an impromptu day off, or maybe he got fired, I do not know nor do I care, all I know is he woke up this morning and vacuumed the house) and I lingered over a lunch of wine and stinky cheeses, gazing at our angelic sleeping child. The zoo (which was just a few blocks away) definitely seemed like a good idea right then.
Jason: Noah loves animals! He'll love the zoo!
Amy: (thinking) Noah loves animals on the TV, just like he loves anything that's on the TV, including commercials for erectile dysfunction aids and So You Think You Can Dance.
Amy: (out loud) That's a great idea! Yes, let's go to the zoo.
So we went, and for several hours we wandered around the heavily-under-construction-completely-all-fucked-up National Zoo. Because it's the law, and because we love America, we went to see the pandas first. The female panda sat on a log. The male panda scratched his balls. Noah refused to even look in their general direction. Jason suggested we move on, but God DAMN it, I was not leaving the zoo without seeing that baby panda, who was born last July when I was hugely pregnant, marking the first and (hopefully) last time I actually felt insanely jealous of a panda.
The baby panda was sort of hiding behind a tree. I maneuvered my way through a crowd of photo-takers towards the far, far corner of the viewing area and sort-of half climbed up on the guard rail (WARNING: KEEP OFF GUARD RAIL) and twisted my torso over the rail until I saw the top of the baby panda's head.
I walked back to where Jason stood with the stroller. "Okay. I saw the stupid baby panda. We can go now."
"What did it look like?" Jason asked.
"Like a panda." I shrugged. "Although between you and me? I think Mei Xiang was stepping out on Tian Tian, if you know what I mean."
I elbowed him in the ribs suggestively. He did not have the foggiest idea what I meant.
We wandered around for awhile, marveling at the complete lack of visible animals, although this did nothing to damper our enthusiasm or determination to create magical awesome moments of childish wonder for Noah.
"NOAH! LOOK AT THE MONKEY! Wait, no. That's a rock."
"NOAH! LOOK AT...." (scanning exhibit for sign) "LOOK AT THE BAMBOO!" (pause) "Bamboo? Seriously? What the FUCK?"
"That's even worse than that sign over there labeled BEES AND WASPS, and there aren't even any of those either."
"Not that I'd really want to actually SEE bees or wasps..."
"No, me neither. I just dislike signs that LIE."
Finally, we actually saw some real live hot animal action.
"NOAH! LOOK AT THE BEAVERS! LOOK AT ALL THE BEAVERS! THE BEAVERS ARE EATING CARROTS, NOAH. AND THEY ARE ALL WET. HA HA HA WET CARROT-EATING BEAVERS."
Jason offered to buy me some ice cream after that, possibly to get me to shut up. I took Noah over to the sea lion exhibit so he could become entranced with a nearby garbage can. Jason returned right as one of the sea lions began barking loudly, which evoked the tiniest hint of a smile from Noah, which made both of us LOSE OUR DAMN MINDS.
"NOAH! LOOK AT THE SEA LIONS NOAH! NOAH! WHAT DO THE SEA LIONS SAY? ARF ARF ARF ARF!"
"Oh my God, you seriously bought a Choco Taco? From a stand called the BEAVER HUT?"
After the sea lion, the only other animal that Noah paid any attention to was a pigeon. He was actually pretty jazzed about the pigeon.
"Perhaps we should have waited until he was older to do the zoo," Jason said morosely as we stared at a map, desperately looking for the exit.
"Perhaps we should have remembered that we kind of hate the zoo," I sighed, "Every time we come here, we spend half the day staring at empty pseudo-exhibits of bamboo and fucking PRAIRIE GRASS and...wait. Where are we?"
Somehow we'd ended up on some remote outer walkway of the zoo, behind some kind of administration-like buildings, and as we tried to figure out WHERE THE DAMN ZOO WENT, a huge truck rumbled by and went through a large and imposing gate.
"Holy shit, " I whispered. "It's Jurassic Park. They so totally have raptors in that truck."
Jason (wisely) ignored me and pointed out that we were actually coming up on some kind of weird petting zoo thing. "Look," he said. "Goats!"
"OMG GOATS." I gasped. "THAT ONLY PROVES MY POINT."
We decided to not force Noah into petting the goats or cows ("He'll only get attached, and then it'll be that much worse when the T-Rex eats them.") ("God, Amy. It was barely funny the first time. Let it go.") and continued our march towards the exit. Noah saw another pigeon and shrieked with giddy delight.
Noah also seemed to really enjoy his very first cab ride (because fuck this walking shit, I think were my exact words), and on the way home Jason mentioned that hey, at least at this age Noah was too young to throw a temper tantrum and demand that we buy him some expensive stuffed animal from each of the zoo's 30-odd gift shops.
"Totally," I agreed. "Especially since it'd most likely be an animal that we hadn't actually seen that day."
"Seriously. Like a bee!"
"Or a raptor!"
"Exactly. Although after today, I'd have no problem buying him a nice stuffed beaver."
Our cab driver gave us only the slightest glance in the rear view mirror as we both dissolved into laughter. It was a great, great day.
Go to the Baltimore zoo- okay, its far and its not free, but you can see the animals up close and there arent those damn hills - been there, done that!~
I was at the zoo last week. They also have a little sign pointing out "poison ivy."
???
Odd zoo.
"Like a panda." I shrugged. "Although between you and me? I think Mei Xiang was stepping out on Tian Tian, if you know what I mean."
I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!! I get that one! Oh oh, yay.
I don't actually like the zoo...hubby guy and I live by the wild animal safari and it's too much fun to see giraffes slobbering my hand with their tongues just for food. Or to pet little baby deer (fawns?) and take pictures of a piggy.
Hmm. I think I need to go again.
Every time I take the red line, I think that I should go visit the Zoo, because the metro conductor makes it sound so fantastic when he announces the station stop. Someday I suspect I too shall be deluded into going back there by the Barry White-like quality of the station announcement and then will be very aggravated and annoyed with myself. Especially when I end up buying a $40 stuffed panda at the gift shop...
You have to live in our area to appreciate how truly crappy the National Zoo is . The bathrooms make the port authority bus terminal at noon seem clean. Every exibit you go to reports the latest animal death by surgery that is the hallmark of the zoo . The non dead animals look suicidal.
The tourists scream at their kids to have fun, the food costs a weeks salary and still we go ...
I always wonder why .
I can't help responding to Nosila's glee at the three-story long escalators. Those things? Not so great when they're not working (like, 80% of the time), and you have to slog your butt up every one of the stairs. Several years ago, a man actually had a heart attack after climbing the one at the Bethesda station.
But if you're still in DC and want a thrill, head out to the Wheaton station on the red line. I think it has the longest escalator in the system. It's gotta be at least a quarter mile long. Too bad it ends at one of the world's worst malls.
it sure is nice when the old amalah comes back!
Dearest Amalah,
You are so clever and smart. And you are such a good writer.
Why does someone so full of talent feel the need to cuss so much? I'm not saying I don't cuss. It just goes so over the top that the cumulative effect is getting to me. Really, you are wonderful and funny and I only mention it because I think of Noah reading these when he gets older and because I'm running for the mouse whenever my own kids are looking over my shoulder.
But you're practically perfect in every other way.
I've always loved the zoo in Omaha...what with the indoor jungle and the sweet aquarium and now the new gorilla habitat...but I cannot bring myself to go to another zoo. I just know that it will not be as wonderful. I was born in DC and all my family lives within the span of Dewey Beach and Waldorf, but I've never been to the National Zoo, probably because we don't love America enough.
We live in Dallas now and last year a gorilla escaped and scared the crap out of a bunch of people, which would make a zoo trip pretty freaking exciting, but I think they thwarted any future attempts of animal freedom after people got all bent out of shape about that. So unless there is at least a thirty percent chance of animal escape, I think I'll stick to the shopping districts instead.
Whether Noah knows it or not, I'm sure he had a great time. :)
If you go to the Natl Zoo with your little mammals, take them to the little mammal house. You can get close enough to the animals that even my 7 mo old appreciated them (giggles, feet kicking . . . that's all I need to claim success).
Give it another year and try, try again! My two-year-old loves the zoo, but I only take her to two or three animal exhibits closest to the entrance- then we go to the toddler play area. Of course, it helps to have friends with memberships so that the whole thing is FREE. :)
Haha! The zoooooooooooo sucks more and more the older I get. I want to be young and have it be magical again. And ride the giant tortise. Because the San Diego zoo giant tortise rocks. My husband made a comment that we could take our kids to the zoo and have them ride camels. If this occurs, I will be laughing the whole time about camel toes. And if I see any wet, carrot-eating beavers, I will probably just die.
This was such a funny read. My 5 month old daughter enjoys those erectile disfunction ads too ("Now Bob has a new spring in his step" with accompanying suggestive BOING sound). How weird/sick/hilarious is that? Also, I rather enjoy the curse words.
Reminds me of the first time my cousin took her little girl to the zoo. The lions, tigers, zebras? Not in the least bit interesting. But she positively FREAKED OUT with glee when she saw a random black cat cross her path. Go figure...
My kids liked to feed the giraffes, but other than that it's usually an expensive washout.
I hate the zoo! My husband says, "what kind of person HATES the ZOO??!" I am that kind, I HATE the zoo. I hate the humid heat of D.C., and walking in it at the ZOO. Plus, it stinks.
A TACO from the BEAVER HUT?!?!
Seriously?
Do they have hot dogs, too?
Here we thought we hit the zoo on an off day LAST YEAR. Guess they are just really slow there. You'd think being the National Zoo and all that they'd be out to impress. Hm..guess not.
Well hey at least now I can stay home and not waste the time and money to visit knowing it is the same nothingness.
But still, sorry your visit sucked!
Oh and tell the hubs to zip it it WAS funny the first time :D
Oh and please keep up with the swearing. I spend all day long zipping the curse words in so the tiny people running around don't spout them off to random strangers. Hearing swearing after they are all in bed is like candy. MMmmm sweet!
:)
So...the Zoo. My husband thought it would be the best things EVER to take Ella to the National Zoo on Father's Day this year. Remember Father's Day? It was 95 degrees in the shade. We had to park in Lot D and hike to the Zoo. I'm not sure what variety of crack my husband was smoking because he wanted to see EVERY possible animal there. We saw the sea lions, the elephants, the giraffes, the pandas, the chimps, the orangutangs, whatever wasn't actually passed out from heat exhaustion. On the plus side, we did get a couple of cute pictures of Ella petting the goat. That was in the first fifteen minutes, before she melted in her stroller.
We won't be doing the Zoo again for a while. Like, not until WINTER.
Yesterday I too went to the zoo with my nearly 6 month old son. I don't know why really. He looked at, I think, one animal. Maybe. Mostly he looked at other kids, trees and fences. At least we didn't have to pay for him to be there!
Considering how quickly the animals are dying at our zoo, you had a pretty good time!
A choco taco from the beaver hut. heee hee hee!
I will be going to the National Zoo this coming week with a 2 month old, so except for pushing the stroller, that means basically by myself. Hopefully I'll find some of these animals they're always bragging about having there...
I went on a trip with my college group to D.C. once and fell in love. the only part about the trip that i hated was my experience at the zoo. I LOVE zoos. my husband and i go to one every time we have a chance. so i was very excited to go to the nat. zoo. i had to borrow money to go across town by myself to go to the zoo by myself and saw NO ANIMALS. and it was also under construction. that was er 3 years ago. or more. I was quite angry. Stupidest zoo in the country is in DC??? what the hell? the one des moines IA kicks the national zoo's ass!! for pete's sake. IOWA! erg.
Um yeah - Choco Tacos Rock and zoos always SUCK! Lazy animals. What do we pay them for?
You've got to approach the National Zoo like it's running errands at CVS. It's free, so what do you lose if you stay for only half an hour and leave only $5 poorer? That's precisely what I do: Park in Lot D, do the giant pizza and the Big Cats, then leave.
The best thing is you TOTALLY get credit for a major zoo outing!
(This only works until your child learns to tell time, of course, but you've got a good six years to keep up the charade.)
While I laughed out loud at your zoo derision, I confess to a loooove of the Bronx Zoo. Like, push children out of the way to see the baby gorillas love. And maybe, just maybe, I watched the National Zoo baby panda grow up on the panda cam.
Also? Maybe I unexplainably love So You Think You Can Dance.
Apart from never seeing any animals at the D.C. Zoo I hate whoever decided to put it on a hill that you have to walk all the way back up at the end.
Maybe next time you can enjoy some of these delights I've experienced at other zoos: mating tortoises at the Honolulu Zoo - the sound of climax for a tortoise isn't music to the ears, and an ape pooping on the glass window of its cage and then picking it up and further smearing it on the windows at the Omaha Henry Doorly Zoo - primitive finger painting?
Your blog is exceptional and I enjoy it often. Keep up the fine writing.
I've been dying to take my 3 month old to the zoo since he was born. I am sick.
Is this the panda that you were trying to take pictures of?
http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/07/09/panda.ap/index.html
Don't you hate it when you see perfect photos in newspapers of something you tried to take a reasonably decent photo of?...
Me too.
i'm delurking on this one (not becaue i have anything cool or funny to say) because i just have to tell you how much i love your blog!! you crack me up! and i was just thinking that i might take my 9 1/2 month old daughter to the zoo sometime soon and now i will so NOT go there because, hello, we have our own grass and birds to look at here. regular zoos are okay (oh my gosh, the smell!), but i love me some drive through zoos!!
I read this on Friday and laughed at you.
AND THEN MY RELATIVES CAME INTO TOWN AND WANTED TO GO TO THE ZOO YESTERDAY.
Yesterday.
That damn panda's first birthday. I am putting it mildly when I say it was hell.
Amalah, I couldn't help but think of you when I checked out Yahoo! News and found pictures of the baby panda all over the damn place. LOL
The zoo is pointless in the summer. Too many people and the animals are just snoozin' in the shade. Best time to go is in the fall. Try to get there late morning as the field trips are leaving and you practically have the place to yourself.
the zoo DOES get better as the kids get older. When they start reading the info and scrambling up to see animals- it's a great feeling.
The zoo does definitely get better as they get older and turns into a great place to let them loose outside of the house.
We learned to get there as soon as they open in the morning since its not crowded and the animals are usually active.
My son has turned into an animal junkie and now knows so much about animals that he can rival the crocidile hunter on animal trivia.
The Baltimore Zoo is pretty good [http://www.marylandzoo.org/] but it is HUGE (acreage-wise). Really!! So don't go on the HOTTEST MOTHERF'IN DAY OF THE YEAR like I did 2 years ago and frighten children with your red-faced sweating and cursing. (I don't have kids. Yet.) Because at one point, at the rear part of the park, I realized we were going to have to walk THE WHOLE WAY BACK and I thought I was going to kill someone. They may have wished I did. Unpleasant. I'll take the aquarium any day, even if it costs a fortune. [http://www.aqua.org/]
Ok, no more of your blog until my c-section incision is better healed. Because of the insane laughing.
But thanks for bursting yet one more of my new mommy dreams of a perfect childhood experience for Owen. *Scratches zoo/6 months off list.*
Kidding. You rock.
What great memories you'll have! That is so funny.
My last visit to the zoo, we passed through exhibit after exhibit which had no animals and until we saw one from a distance that looked "active." We raced over and were so very excited to see something moving besides a leaf. "Prairie dogs!" I exclaimed, obviously delusional and devoid of any knowledge of my own lameness. (Who gets excited about prairie dogs?)My boyfriend quickly took my hand, leading me away while I protested. He whispered quietly (so as not to disturb the kids around us that I had unknowingly lured there falsely), "Uh, those were rats, each and every one of them." I looked back to confirm, thinking he must have been mistaken, but he was correct, RATS, the enclosed area was full of RATS, huge ones! A few weeks later, displayed across the front cover of one of the sections in the Washington Post was a picture of the same thing and the article attached addressed a mile long list of all the numerous problems with the zoo. I was appauled!
It's a sad, sad site. Having grown up there, I've seen every inch of every museum on the Mall, and I can't believe what a fucking disgrace the zoo is in comparison.
However, I do love beavers and I would have been happier to have seen them "munching carrots" than a man made prairie full of rats who I'm convinced ate the prairie dogs.
"HA HA HA WET CARROT-EATING BEAVERS"
Bwahahahahaha! I love you, Amy, but not in a creepy stalkerish way.
We've learned the hard way that the only time to go to the zoo is when the outside temperature is around 65-70. Comfortable for us, and the animals will actually move around so we can see them. Otherwise, they just hang out in the shade and in their caves looking out at the stupid sweaty people.