City of Mine

The Kind of Thing I Should Probably Keep to Myself

I just watched Blue's Clues. By myself. While Noah was napping.

And yeah. I knew exactly where the remote was.

Today's question: What does Blue want to buy at the store?

Today's clues: Numbers, lines and a block of wood.


So I was thinking, okay, obviously the lines go on the wood, although I was a little thrown by the lack of a mirror, but the continuity errors on this show do kind of drive me nuts sometimes (how many doors to the backyard ARE THERE, especially since the front of the house is approximately six feet wide, and also, on the "Bedtime Business" episode they made a huge fricking deal about the special notebook that was soft and puffy like a pillow, yet everytime we saw Joe draw a clue it was OBVIOUSLY just the regular old paper notebook, and yeah, I did write a letter, like, what are we supposed to believe it's some kind of "magic notebook" or something? Jesus.), so um. I was willing to overlook the lack of a mirror.

The numbers kind of confused me, unless they were a measurement for just how much blow Blue wanted to buy, or possibly she didn't want to buy cocaine at all, but was planning to barter with a crack whore for the monetary equivalent in sexual favors, and the block of wood was just there in case an agreement couldn't be reached and Joe needed to smack that bitch up.

OR maybe the numbers were a symbol of a mysterious universal force that has brought all these strange animated household items together in this tiny little house, from whence no one escapes, except Steve, who went to "college," despite having the mental acuity of an ironing board and regulary needing guidance from preschoolers to make it through his day. That would possibly explain why the salt and pepper shakers came from France, but doesn't further the storyline about why a fucking sidetable drawer can talk but Blue can't, unless she's in her weird little hatbox playroom, which, DUDES.


It also doesn't explain why the plastic shovel doesn't wear clothes yet still requires pyjamas, but maybe next season will get around to that. My pet theory is that Joe is actually in a coma following a bicycle accident and will awake to find himself in a home for mentally disabled adults, where "Blue" is actually his deaf-mute roommate who thinks he's a cross-dressing police detective, and then they'll all teach us an important lesson about bike helmet safety.

Anyway. Turns out Blue wanted a ruler. I was pretty close though.

God, I love this show.


Sing Along Blue, who was only vaguely purchased for Noah.



OMG FIRST!!!!!one!!!!WTFBBQ!!!!squee!

Ok now that that is over, I adore Blue, and I bought a Blue that sang the theme song and ROOO-ROOOO'd for my roommate's toddler son, just so I could play with it myself.

I am awful *snickers*


*looks back at graphics for Blue's clues for the day and sees lines of coke... OMG... heee HEEE!*


That's soooo not a ClubMom post. Love it.


*i might watch Dora. and no, i don't have kids*


Nice way to show off the hair! Looks stunning :) And reminds me- need highlights!

anne nahm

Thinking Joe is hot makes me feel wrong to the very core of my being. Thus, no Blues Clues in this house.

Unless that ugly Steve is on.


OMG. I read this entire post and have no idea what you are talking about.

Please hold me.


Was it the new Joe or the old Joe? Liked the old one so much better. Both have weird eyebrows.

This post was AWESOME.


I have yet to watch Blues Clues. I am waiting until forced by having children. I do however watch Fairly Oddparents and Spongebob. However, I am now thinking that getting drunk and watching Blues Clues sounds like an excellent idea.


This post both amused me and terrified me at the same time. LOVE IT!


Um. I enjoy watching Teletubbies and Elmo perhaps more than my son does. And since we put a DVD player in the car, therefore making Teletubbies videos our driving "music," my husband and I have decided that LaaLaa's laughter and antics are always entertaining, but would be even better with a bong. (as in, we'd probably laugh so hard we'd hurt ourselves)

Not that we have a bong, you understand.


This post fucking rocked the Casbah! HARD! I almost spit diet coke all over my computer screen @ " and the block of wood was just there in case an agreement couldn't be reached and Joe needed to smack that bitch up". Dear Lord Almighty, that is some funny shit...that and of course, lines of coke, on Blues Clues, perhaps it should have been lines of mushroom slivers,which would make that whole world make a LOT more sense.

ta ta


I distinctly remember a night, years ago, when I couldn't sleep and literally stayed up all night watching a Blue's Clues marathon. I wish I could blame the drugs, but alas, the strongest thing I ever take is ibuprofen.

Also, I routinely watch Spongebob by myself, because that little yellow square dude is funny!


Dude, Blue is female?

I obviously don't have children.


Dude, uncanny! Check out my blog for my latest Blue adventure!!!!


Yes, she's female. She runs around with no clothes on, until it's swim time, then she wears a swimsuit. One piece, of course, 'cause Blue ain't no hooch.

Our Blue toys are long gone, but I miss her. And that psycho Steve. There is no Joe, as far as I'm concerned.


Is that for real? Blues Clues really showed lines of coke? I don't have kids so I don't watch such shows. But real or not, this post was too funny.


"...from whence no one escapes, except Steve, who went to "college," despite having the mental acuity of an ironing board and regulary needing guidance from preschoolers to make it through his day."

Pure genius!

Wacky Mommy

It's Steve's soft, sweet voice that lures me in. Not smart, but awfully sweet. He's like Valium.


Tomorrow can you break down Clifford the Big Red Dog for me?


Funny stuff. I don't have children so I didn't know Blue was female.

Love the hair.


This is the best post ever in any blog for all time.


Okay, I just busted out laughing and immediately sent this link to my husband because 1) I always send him links to your site and 2) he thought I was batsh*t all year trying to figure out 'Lost' episodes. It's sad that I immediately saw those numbers and knew where they came from. I am a freak.

And in regards to Blues Clues, the only thing I know is that at my friend's son's 2 year bday party - his was a BC theme - all the kids kept running around saying "Coo Clooz". Every kid I've met SINCE then (3+ years later) says it the same way.

Java Bean Rush

Do not be ashamed. My uncle,who is almost in his 40s, still watches Sesame Street unapologetically.


Welcome to the world of at home momness. I actually have listened to The Backyardigan's soundtrack in my car alone, and can't wait till new episodes come out. I feel a little sad for Blue because my toddler isn't that into her anymore. She is on to bigger and better things. I can't wait until my son is watching it. Then I will get to re-use all of the Blue crap that my daughter won't touch.


This is my new favorite post due to
a. lines of coke
b. lthe Lost reference
c. the perfect peppering of expletives

That's just straight up GENIUS.


I agree with Jana.


Delurking to say that this is the funniest thing I have read in a very, very long time. "The numbers kind of confused me, unless they were a measurement for just how much blow Blue wanted to buy. . . ." I'll be sending you a bill for my new, dry keyboard.


Say, nice highlights!

That post was just perfectly fucked up. And I mean that in the very, very best possible way. Loved it!


i almost just inhaled my laptop, such was the power of my snort-laughing. good times.


If you really want to go insane, watch the old "Dungeons and Dragons" show that they're rerunning on Toon network. God, i hate that show. I end up screaming, "Yeah, SOME FRAKKING DUNGEON MASTER! Can't get the kids out of there." The half-naked viking eight year old is scary and the kid named Eric is so annoying that I always wonder why the other kids haven't just abandoned him in a dragon's nest or something.

Thank god it is only on on the weekends, which makes my six year old very sad but me? Happy happy joy joy.

I ended up hating Winnie the Pooh after watching way too much of it with the firstborn. The secondborn only watches 1/2 an hour of TV in the evenings, and then it's Family Feud. He loves it and claps along with "the clapping people".


I think it means that the television show "Lost" is addictive like crack.


I need to remember to NOT read your entries at work, because I always forget I'm and work and bust out into loud laughter and therefore attract the attention of all my co-workers and let them know that I am not working at the present time.

I haven't watched Blues Clues in years, but after reading this it makes me want to start watching again just so I can try and figure out what the show is *really* about. Love the Lost reference!!


My oldest son was a big Blue's Clues watcher. We had episodes on tape, several plush toys, and a tiny plastic Blue's Clues house that was his reward for peeing in the potty for the first time. It came with a little Steve figure, a Blue, a Mrs. Salt and Mr. Pepper, and best of all, a little sidetable with a pull-out drawer. Which my husband still has on his workbench.

And I know this is wrong, but after several years of watching the show, I decided that Steve must leave the studio after every taping and head immediately to the nearest dive bar, where he drinks Milwaukee's Best and wonders what the hell happened to his acting career. So in my head, instead of him singing "sit down in my thinking chair and think, think, think", I hear him sing "sit down in my DRINKING chair and drink, drink, drink". Think about it. Seen the actor in anything else? Ever?


I routinely watch Dora and Diego while my kids are napping. I'm not alone! And I recognized the numbers too. I obviously watch too much TV.

Haven't watched Blue's Clues for a while...guessing from the comments that Joe is gone and Steve is back? I always had a weird thing for Steve...Joe is cuter, but there's just something about Steve.

I think I might have a crush on a Wiggle too.

Joceline Foley

I am unashamedly bad at deciphering those clues. I can never figure out what on Earth he's talking about, and I am a teacher, you know--enlightening young minds and and such.


Have you ever read Mimi Smartypants's story about when Nora played Blue's Clues? It's hilarious.

(scroll down, it's at the bottom)


So I used to watch the Blues Clues back ages ago in my days as a babysitter, I mean, um "nanny"...and I so preferred Steve to this Joe character. I think they really should have gotten a female person for the role to differentiate a bit, and to distract me from thinking every two seconds that Joe is the "poor man's Steve."

Are they still showing the SAME episode all week long? Because that really did suck, and I'm pretty sure I can still sing the entire solar system song from oh, 7 years ago.


Just posted about BC the other day. In short, I am so grateful to have reproduced in The Age of Joe because Steve? Not nearly as hot. Gimme some of that Joe any ole day.



One more thing...Elizabeth, I will never see Steve the same way again, and I can't stop laughing. Every day I want to sit down in my drinking chair and drink, drink, drink. Cheers!

Lisa Ann

I don't know what was funnier, the coke or the Lost reference. And I've never even seen Blues Clues.


omg. so . funny. I have of course NEVER watched Blue's Clues alone. And most definitely not Rugrats. But seriously, the Lost references were freaky good. And what the hell is this about a "new" JOe? My kids are 9 and 5 and I am so out of the loop. I wish they would go back to Nick Jr. It was safe there, unless Amalah starts a writing gig with them!


. Best post. Ever.
Must stop laughing.


So what channel did this episode air on? I don't think mine shows the coke one. But I really want to see it. (Yes, I am kidding)

And Steve is so much awesomer than Joe -- definitely Valium for the ears. I love him. Also, Steve has a band and looks quite different. Maybe a bit too much time in the Drinking Chair!!

Magistra Omnium Domina Nihili

Introduced my 2-month-old niece to Blue's Clues this past weekend--in fact, the special trio of episodes that bring in Joe and send Steve off to college. She was not yet impressed, but my son was happy to see his old friend (we're mostly in Canada, which does not have Noggin, and its children's channels show much more insipid programming). My wife and I actually debated what Blue wanted to give Steve, after the first and second clue (numbers and buttons)--I was right, it was a telephone and not a calculator. I'm so proud to be one whole step ahead of most pre-schoolers.


The thing that I cannot figure out is why the Side Table Drawer can talk but the Side Table itself is silent.

I have a theory about secret undertones of inslavement of inferiour aspects of the Blue Universe. But I usually keep them to myself.


Who is this "Joe" person you keep mentioning? In my house (and, frankly, my heart, as I have a long held, deeply disturbing crush on him) there is only Steve.


Um, I love the Lizzy McGuire show. Wish I could pretend I'm just watching it because my kid likes it.... but I don't have any. I mean, the THE CAT WANTED TO WATCH IT. You can't tell Max* no when he wants to watch Lizzy!

*My cat is also named Max. The fact that your Max loves Noah gives me hope, maybe someday mine will warm up to SOMETHING... so far he hates everything and everyone.


Yes. As someone already said... that was SO not a Club Mom post! And Joe is hot!


That was the best post ever. And on my birthday too! You never let me down, oh great Amalah.


O M G!!! Amalah, You are just WRONG! But you are so damn funny its unreal. I cant believe you are putting blues clues and coke together. lmao. You are such a riot.

reluctant housewife

Hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh.


I think you're right - it's all part of the Dharma Initiative!!! lol


You. are. so. funny.


I have never before seen the connection between Blue's Clues and Lost so clearly. Blue has all of the answers we've been looking for on Lostaway Island.

(Is it wrong that I'm 34 and childless and still watch Blue for sheer entertainment?)


Okay well if I didn't already lurrrrve you (which I do, your blog I mean, I'm not a lesbian stalker) the fact that you gave me the lost (read: crack) fix I have been craving makes me heart you even more.


Coming out to comment (I never do but read you everyday!) to just say that was one damn hilarious post.


I used to *coughcough* love Blue's Clues *coughcough*, I mean, I used to tolerate my daughter watching it.

But, I have to say... once Steve left the show, I lost interest. *sigh* Steve was hot.

And I'm a dork.


a couple of years ago I was watching blues clues and they stumped me- I became very sad and never watched it agian- and now the whole internet knows :(

Silly Hily

That was pure genius.
I'm personally a fan of Lazy Town. I've been debating doing a post about Dora though since my daughter just had her Dora birthday party and got every single Dora toy/thing that has ever been made. There is this King Bobo dude on a couple of episodes and well, for lack of a better word, he is SUCH a pu$$y (and I hate that word but seriously, he is one). I think I need to blog about him to vent the torture I have to endure while watching his grown ass jump into Dora's arms b/c he's scared of the crocodiles!!!


I literally laughed my ass off. Thanks. Now I have nothing to sit on and my pants fall off.

Stacey: Which wiggle would you hook up with? I have a 2 year old niece and although she never jumped on the Blue train she does love her some wiggles. There was an argument once among the women in my family regarding which wiggle is the cutest. Poor Jeff. He never wins. Guess it is all that lazy sleeping he does.

Heather B.

Well, a hearty Gracias for writing that because right now I'd rather be anywhere else than work but instead I'm sitting at my desk and bored out of my mind and I get to read the above and laugh.

That was brilliant.



Haha your post made me laugh hysterically only because I have heard of this "debate" before! I'll settle it for everyone once and for all. It is plainly obvious that Anthony is the hottest wiggle, hands (pants?) down!


Dude. What gets me is the knowledge of Blues HISTORY you have. Your son is not old enough for you to be able to blame that on him.
The first step is admitting you have a problem. We're all here for you.


Hmmm. I never watched BC. BUT I have watched Zaboomafoo which is crazy and like a whole reality on crack.

The thing I can't stop wondering is why not just clean the closet?! (I admit to also being childless.)

Y from the internet

I thought this post was alright.


I'm going to have to watch Blue's Clues now. Before this post, my children's show repetoire consisted of Teletubbies, Boobah, and intense dreams of watching them with illicit substances.

Oh, and Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends, but that doesn't count, because some of the jokes are for grown-ups.

Miss W I'll admit my addiction (but only to further the madness because damn, it's good and you will love it!):


Blue can suck it as far as I'm concerned. Because seriously...

The Phone! The Phone is Ringing!

(And yes, I now sing everything I am doing ALL DAY LONG to that tune)


I'm from the "Steve Era", so I think Joe just blows. Sorry.

And in other news, girl, you gotta get out the house. Quick.

Domestic Chicky

OMG. This is hysterical. I nearly choked on my coke (the canned kind)...


I worked at a Toy store and read Blues Clues books to children as a teenager, and so was firm Steve supporter when I started watching Blues again with my son and found out Steve had left, and Joe was in... But somehow, someway, Joe has won me over. And I totally have a crush on him now. Something about the way he signs "thank you" and his sheer joy when he opens a letter ("Wonder who it's from?") from our friends!

And I totally make my son watch it, he's only 8 months and so doesn't care about television. I also make him watch Backyardigans and yes, I can sing along to most episodes, and yes, I have a bunch of songs on my IPOD.


I have never understood or been able to play along with Blue's Clues. I admit it.


oh my god! That show can be so adicting! I even find myself in a Baby Einstein trance form time to time. It hypnotizes you!!!


Blue's Clues. Cocaine. Crack whores. Stuffed animals. Bitches getting beaten. More stuffed animals.

Thank God for you, dear Amalah.


just the other day zaboomafoo was t-h-i-s close to cracking the davinci code, but those bloody kratt brothers intervened and sicced a mountain lion on his ass before he could tell. i'm not too into tv for my kid, but i'm going to keep watching just to find out what secrets that crafty lemur has to tell me.


just the other day zaboomafoo was t-h-i-s close to cracking the davinci code, but those bloody kratt brothers intervened and sicced a mountain lion on his ass before he could tell. i'm not too into tv for my kid, but i'm going to keep watching just to find out what secrets that crafty lemur has to tell me.


That was an awesome post. It's true that the writers of that show are on crack, they have to be. And how do salt & pepper give birth to paprika? It is not even kind of possible. They would totally give birth to that mixture they use at Subways.


i'm so confused. i was excited about the Lost stuff, but then had to read about Blue. although, i'll pick Blue anyday over fucking Little Einsteins and their theme song and their rocket ship, OMGSTFU.


Important non-Blue's Clues question: where do you get your highlights done? I've lived in DC for 4 years and still get my hair done when I visit Chicago because I can't bear the thought of finding someone here. (I'm a law student, so I don't know what's up with the whole outsourcing for highlights cause it's not cheap, but I think it's truly out of fear). We have very similar colored hair and you seem good advising on these type of things so I thought I'd ask...thanks!


Still laughing...and to reply to Desiree about which Wiggle: Toss up between Greg and Anthony, but leaning strongly toward Anthony. He's the blue one. OMG, I hope no one from my non-blog life reads these.

Kelly M/

You crack my shit up!! So funny.


Hey... dont feel bad about watching Blue. I wathced Pinky Dinky Doo yesterday afternoon while my oldest took her nap. :D


This post has made me laugh several times today, which was desperately needed :-)

Absolutely awesome.


I am proud to say that I've made it 5 1/2 years as a mother and have yet to ever see Blue's Clues. I did, however, buy my 2 1/2 year old son a giant Dora doll at the store today because I was afraid of his wrath if I said no. He is now happily back at home brushing her cutely-cropped brown hair with the little pink brush that came in her magic backpack. I've totally ruined him for life.


I'm definitely not afraid to say how much I love Bluey. Also, I like the tellytubbies. Y, you made me laugh, again, and of course, so did you Amalah!


God, I miss Blue's Clues! However, there will only ever be Steve in his dorky green striped rugby for me (and yes, maybe I did buy a striped green hoodie at the Gap this fall because it looked like Steve's what?!).

Now that my children are older, I have left such childish distractions behind. And if you think for one second that I bought the DVD of High School Musical, despite the fact that we had three versions of it on Tivo, because I secretly enjoy watching it, then you are TOTALLY delusional. Totally. And I don't listen to the soundtrack in the car when the kids aren't with me either. Nope.


I'm so glad that someone out there is willing to talk about Blue's Clues, because at one point I tried discussing why Steve is way better than Joe with my husband and he was totally uninterested, if you can believe that. Steve rules.


Masking tape + water + empty soda bottles = ????????

Turns out it equals some kind of water filled taped together soda bottle thing. I still don't get that one.

Real Girl

Although I have no clue what Blue's Clues even is, HA!

Also (dork alert) your Dharma logo image looks like the exact same one I blew up to make theme food for my friend's Lost finale party...

(There was no blow there. But there might have been a ruler.)


You win at mentioning Lost, which just happens to be my favorite show.


Don't freak ladies, but here is Steve's website:

You're welcome.


I can vouch for you Amalah. It really was a ruler. I remember because I heard this for 20 minutes after: "Mama, it's a ruler like I said! I guessed ruler! Are you proud of me? That it was a RULER?".

Did you know the first "Steve" (named Joe) went on to join some freakish band and his site has Blue with like a skull and crossbones? So not even kidding.


omg... my oldest is 7 and we have watched a lot of BC over the past years. I cannot tell you how traumatized I was when Steve went off to college. Both of my kids think that it is the funniest thing, I won't even watch Joe. And this past weekend, when they re-ran the "College" episodes, I was laying in bed with my kids yelling "Nooooooooooo". The trauma is back. Thank goodness for Noggin, Steve is always there :-)



I bought several Pooh-bear stuffed toys a while back (okay, just a few weeks ago, shutup) and after recieving a few raised eyebrows, blamed the purchases on "nephew shopping".

-hangs head in shame-



In Canada, we have too completely addictive kids shows. One is called Poko and it's a claymation show about a boy who seems to get mad or upset but deal with his feelings every episode. I said they should have called it "Poko get's pissed off."
Then there's my favorite. Nanalan. Nanalan is all puppets and it's about a little girl who stays with her Grandmother everyday and she explores Nana's crazy psychedelic puppet world. Some of the puppets and props on this show are amazing. Nana's nextdoor neighbour is Mr. Wooka, Nana's love interest, and let me tell you sometimes the conversation between Nana and Mr. Wooka gets a little risque. Not that kids would get the double entendres but it's so fun for the grown ups to watch.
My favorite thing about nanalan is that it is not scripted. The performers have a general script outline and they improve all the dialogue and they do a very good job but the dialogue is very natural.
If you come to Canada check out these shows they are on CBC in the AM.


I have to confess that I didn't get the Lost reference because I haven't even finished watching the first season yet. I kinda tune out whenever I hear someone talking about the show so I don't find out any secrets.

And the best kid's show is Charlie and Lola on Disney. My son doesn't even pay attention to it, but I absolutely love it. And we both love Backyardigans, so I have started recording them.

And please tell me you've seen Max and Ruby (I always want to call it Max and Erma for some reason). I absolutely hate Ruby, but that Max is so darn cute!


hehe...i liked Steve better.

p.s. my puppy thinks you're funny, but likes her Blue in pieces :)

Laura ^ (yes, that one)



there, it's in my link. i give up.


I put my kids to be early so I can watch Foster's Home all by myself!
Coco & Eduardo rock!

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