Target is the New IKEA
August 21, 2006
For several summers in a row, we've had the misfortune (translation: BREATHTAKING STUPIDITY) of going to IKEA on a big back-to-school weekend. Possibly THE back-to-school weekend. You know, the COLLEGE STUDENT back-to-school weekend, when every single college student from every single college in the area descends on IKEA in hopes of transforming their eight-foot cube of a dorm room into a Scandinavian paradise of modular shelving with perfectly-sized wicker baskets and big shaggy rugs, despite 1) having a roommate who is going to get drunk every weekend and dump all the wicker baskets over in attempt to find one to wear as a hat, and also 2) not realizing what a goddamned pain it's going to be vacuuming ramen noodles out of that big shaggy rug with a borrowed Dustbuster.
The good news is: we did not go to IKEA this weekend. (Although in an alternate reality we might have, had we made good on our plans to move out of the city this summer. Which you may have noticed, we most certainly did not. We attached some handles on our kitchen cabinets and Jason CLAIMS to have fixed the toilet that randomly decides not to flush, and by "randomly" I mean "every time you poop in it." But we're kind of paralyzed by fear and doubt and real estate prices that have not gone down as much as we thought, and the realization that we'd probably be the kind of homeowners who forget to mow the lawn and leave toilets on the front curb, and I am basing this on the fact that we have had a SPARE TIRE in our FOYER for THREE MONTHS NOW.)
Exhibit A.
Anyway. We did not go to IKEA this weekend. We went to Target instead.
THINGS WE NEEDED AT TARGET:
1) Mouthwash, and
2) an iron.
AMOUNT OF MONEY THESE THINGS WILL COST YOU AT TARGET:
$312.87, not including the mouthwash, which we totally forgot to buy.
You know I love IKEA. You know I loooooove IKEA. In fact, I wish I were at IKEA right now, eating a 99-cent hot dog and purchasing some kind of spare-tire organizer for the foyer.
Yet you may not know that I have similar love for Target. How could I not? Target sells makeup, which you know I need a lot of to hide the black eyes I get after I anger IKEA and he backhands me across the face for daring to expect a full set of wooden dowels, like do I not know how much stress IKEA's under these days over at the factory? IKEA's boss is a total dick, and he just wants to drink some lingonberry wine to take the edge off, and then I have to barge in with my whining about a tilty floor lamp that sparks when I plug it in? Can't I just leave IKEA be for five minutes? Goddammit, woman.
Until this past weekend, I've always thought of Target as my Safe Place. It's big! Bright! Clean! (Did I ever tell you how I almost got peed on at Wal-Mart once? By someone who I did not give birth to, who is pretty much the only person who would make that sentence even remotely less horrifying? I mean, I'll gladly let IKEA crush my tender spirit for the sake of a cheap TV cabinet but I REALLY DRAW THE LINE AT GETTING PEED ON WHILE TRYING TO BUY A WAFFLE IRON.)
Anyway. Target + Saturday + suburban parking lot + 40 Million College Students Who All Want the Same Damn Minifridge and Are Willing to Fight to the Death Over It = A Very Bad Saturday (Weeping + Gnashing of Teeth)²
You might want to put that equation on a little flashcard. For your wallet maybe.
The good news is that we got a lot of cool stuff that we totally didn't realize we needed until that very moment, although I am trying to think of a single cool thing that we bought and cannot, save for a box of Kix (not because Noah is bored of Cheerios, but because WE are bored of FEEDING him Cheerios) and an 10-pack of bibs for nine damn dollars. That's less than a dollar a bib, y'all. Go on. Do the math yourself. I double-checked it.
The bad news is that Noah yelled at the top of his lungs the entire time -- not cried or fussed, just YELLLLLLLLED -- and at one point I decided the thing to do would be to just YELL BACK, and I did this at the precise moment of an announcement over the store's loudspeaker, which everyone in a five-aisle radius miraculously decided to shut up and listen to, and then Noah -- startled more by the loudspeaker than my yelling, I think -- crumpled into a little bundle of teary tears, much to the tongue-clucking dismay of some nearby tongue-cluckers.
I may also have been holding a box of condoms at the time.
The worst news, however, is that I killed a woman in line for writing a personal check, realizing that she had a actually had a coupon for Goldfish crackers, then realizing it was an EXPIRED coupon, and then deciding that she didn't actually want a box of Goldfish crackers after all. I killed her, and I am writing this entry from jail.
It's not bad, actually. Although a nice shaggy throw rug and a minifridge would really brighten things up.
Next time, I will pee on Goldfish Cracker Coupon Lady.
Wait.. wait... you almost got peed on? At Wal-Mart?
Bwa?
o dear - getting peed on in public, while in your safe haven is just plain disturbing...
Hello!
Good to see your still having adventures in retail!
Just wait until you LIVE in the Suburbs and you stop at Target almost daily for Milk & Bread and you realize that you might need an extra income to support your Target habit.
Not that I would know about things like that....
HA! I feel the same about the whole Walmart/Ikea thing...the level of abuse I'm willing to take. But Target may have lost its status as my safe place ever since a certifiably (I assume) crazy guy deliberately rammed his cart into me there last year. gah...scary! Deliberately, people! I had to run between clothing racks to keep him from doing it again!
Target is a bad place for us and our checkbook. I go in for nail polish and slip into a fugue state and only regain consciousness after I have a receipt in my hand for over $100.
Target's really nice on a Sunday morning around 10:00 AM. You can almost hear the crickets chirping in the aisles -- it's that quiet.
I think your jail cell would look totally great with a lava lamp. And did you see those great deals in the $1 bins? Great prison decor.
Amen sister, I don't go to church on Sunday mornings, I go to Target. It is so my happy place. Once in birth prep class when the teacher said to picture your calm place, I pictured Target. Ahh I wish I was there now.
We call it the Red Circle Boutique in my 'hood.
I was behind 3 people at the coffee shop this am and they ALL paid for their decaf add splenda with A CHECK.
I love the South.
p.s. -- could I possibly say "great" one more time? Great!
I was at Target yesterday and it frickin' sucked. I happen to have written about it in TWO places on my blog today (the main post and in my Random Thought in the sidebar). There were SO many people there. SO. MANY. And the bra area was a damn mess. (The one on Rt. 1 in Arlington.) Grrr.
I am relieved to read that it is not just me. There are others who share my love of Target and the inability to leave there without spending at least $100.
Also - I think maybe Noah will be the one emptying out his roommate's wicker baskets looking for the perfect one to wear as a hat. I'm just sayin'...
Did you ever hear the one about the woman who almost stole a child from Wal-Mart because the mother had precariously balanced the 2-month-old neck of the baby on the metal back of the child seat part of the cart and then strapped the poor thing in by hoisting the seatbelt around said 2-month-old's armpits? No? That's probably good.
During the same trip I warned a mother about her child's bare feet and the shattered pickle jar in the aisle and the woman said to me "She'll learn!" as if I was the crazy one.
I don't go to Walmart alone anymore. It's too hard to keep from stealing other people's children.
Long-time lurker, first-time writer. But I had too similar a Target experience this weekend to keep silent. My intention was the leave my apartment to buy a lime. We ended up at Target, where I proceeded to buy a waffle iron, hand mixer, popcorn popper, detergent, metal mixing bowls, and some other assorted crap. The one thing I did NOT buy? A lime.
I'm not a tongue clucker, never have been and don't hang with people who are. But I have been know to roll the eyes in my brain at people.
Maybe the tire is an exercise/plaything for Noah. Like a hamster wheel or something. At least that's what you can tell people when they wonder why you have a spare tire in the foyer.
The best thing about my house? 10 minutes from IKEA and I don't even have to get on 95. We do have neighbors with a four big tent things and 6 cars though.... It's a tradeoff.
I thought it was great when we bought our house. You can see Target from it. OK, in the winter when there aren't any leaves on the trees, but still.
Target is like a siren. It's a dangerous, dangerous place. I don't think living so close is quite as great at this point.
Cost Plus World Market is like that too. *shudders*
Target is a dangerous place for my wallet as well.
But you almost got peed on at Walmart? I'm hoping the story involves some sort of baby or dog and not an adult human...
Oooh, thanks for the reminder about back-to-school craziness. I was thinking about going to Target this weekend. Yikes, and in a college town, too! Maybe I will take the wise advice above and go first thing on Sunday morning. None of them thar college students will be awake yet.
I love Target, too.
I live out in the suburbs, and not 5 minutes from my house is a huge Super Target right next door to a huge....Super Walmart.
So far, I've managed not to rant about the difference in the clientelle, but seriously? Where do these Wal Mart shoppers come from? Because most of them don't even have all their teeth and I'm pretty sure they don't live in my neighborhood. They must bus them in from somewhere out in the hills of Tennessee.
He looks entirely too angelic to have misbehaved in Target ;-)
Wal-Mart pee story, please.
The Walmart Pee Story does sound interesting, and exactly what I'd expect to happen at Walmart, because sheesh, the people there.
Anyway, I almost killed someone this weekend too, although it was not over check writing, but if after I almost killed this person someone had slowed me down by pulling that kind of check-writing stunt? There would have been no almost about it. I would have killed her. Good for you for having a modicum more patience than me.
Target = Nirvana.
As a gift, I once got a gift card for Target for $56. Because every one of my friends think its hilarious that I always seem to spend 56 damn dollars there, even if I only went in for toothpaste.
Do you get all giggly when you see those red-bar sale/clearance tags on the end of the shelves, like me? It's a sickness.
Peed on in a Wal-Mart? Dear God (I did get peed on at the DMV, but I think that's sort of a requirement for walking in the door).
Also, we have limited our Target trips because we just can't afford them. We walk out of their with $500 worth of merchandise every time, even though we only needed cotton balls, including herb gardens and hose hiders and all kinds of shit NO ONE NEEDS and yet, there we are, buying them with glee.
Dude, WTF IS UP WITH THE TIRE?
HAHAHHAHA.
Do you ever climb in it and let Jason push you around the house in it? God, that would be so awesome.
i think they diffuse some sort of mind-altering substance in the air at target, convincing people that they NEED to buy everything because it's such a good deal! and sparkly purses! and the shooooes! and maybe even a fancy shirt for my cat...
yeah. i love target but it's dangerous territory for my budget.
Um, can you please post tomorrow about almost getting peed on at Wal-Mart? I *did* get peed on while waiting in line at a bar in Richmond, once. Also, thank you for this post because I was going to go to Target tonight and now I will wait until October. Except we need a garden hose, to water the garden, which will be dead by October. But, next year, the garden will be lush and not dead!
The Wal-Mart Pee Story is actually much less interesting in the full telling, which is why I usually leave it at, "I almost totally got peed on at Wal-Mart once."
I was standing there innocently in the small appliance aisle when I glanced down and saw a small girl in a dress kind of squatting next to me. Then I glanced down again and noticed the puddle. That I had ONE WHOLE FOOT in.
She'd just...peed. Right there next to my feet. Her mom grabbed her and hauled ass towards the bathroom while I stared at the impressive yellow puddle, wiped my shoe on the tile floor a couple times and hauled ass out of there.
I loved this post so much I just married it. I'll send photos from the honeymoon.
Ahh! I couldn't agree more! WalMart: hate!! (Except, woo, cheap fabric! For I am crafty! But cheap!) Target: loooovee. Ikea: loooovee. Went there yesterday, actually, for the 2nd time in a week (and it's 45 minutes away). I now have 11 boxes of Ikea goodness to assemble. 4 boxes done last night with no drama or missing pieces. So far so good!
This morning at Dunkin' Donuts in downtown Bethesda (where everyone has money to buy donuts & coffe), I was behind a lady using a coupon for every one of her donuts & smoothies (she was buying for a whole gang of kids), and she yelled at the poor girl behind the counter and put back donuts and made a royal ass out of herself. All for saving what? $1 maybe?
HAAAAAAAAAAAAllelujah!
I've been living in Wal-Mart City, Arkansas since June - so dubbed (by me) because this is the town of the original Wal-Mart. The Wal-Mart MUSEUM is here, y'all. I hate Wal-Mart. Every Wal-Mart I ever went to in my home state was absolutely ghetto. So I'm a bit unenthusiastic about the situation in my new town, where everything is Wal-Mart. Although to be fair, the Wal-Mart here is NOT ghetto, I just don't like going there on principle.
So imagine my utter GLEE when we were on our way to Best Buy one day and found a Target. I grabbed my boyfriend's arm, driver of our vehicle, and gasped "OOOOHHH!" quite loudly, causing him to start and cry out "WHAT?!?!" in alarm. "TARGET! I! AM!! SAVED!!!" (Yes, I did indeed say everyone one of those exclamation points, you had to be there.)
Boyfriend commenced eye rolling and told me NOT to do that again unless we were about to be run over by a mac truck or abducted by aliens.
I swear by Target, I swear at my bank account after being at Target and I swear I will not go in that store for the rest of the month because MY LORD COULD I HAVE SPENT MONEY THERE ON SATURDAY? As I perused around the aisles, I looked down to find that yes, my shirt, shorts, underwear, watch, earrings and purse were all from Target. I promptly left the store and drove to a rehab clinic and I write you from my hospital room. And it sure would be nice to have those Thomas O'Brien curtains I wanted to help give this white washed room some flavor.
I heart Tarjay. I hate Wally World (aka as the entrance to hell.) You must write about the urine Walmart thingy. And honestly I think they pipe in extra oxygen into the air filtration system at Target because I always buy tons of random shit I don't need.
Ok, seriously, am I the only one who even cares about the FUCKING TIRE IN YOUR FOYER? Am I the only one who is like "THE HELL? A tire? In the foyer? BUT WHY? And also hahahha A tire! In her foyer! I want to take a ride in it! A put a BEEFLOG in it! And spray paint flowers on it!"
I guess I am.
What can I say, Y? We're just country.
I think hot dogs are 2 for .99 at our IKEA.
Sorry, gal.
Hmm, that'd be niiice right now. IKEA-dogs. And frozen yogurt. And Diet Pepsi, which for some reason I only want when I'm at IKEA.
Last time I was in Target I was paged by the pharmacy. Except they prounounced my last name completely wrong, and even though EVERYONE pronounces my last name wrong and I should be FAMILIAR with this wrong pronunciation, it didn't even occur to me that it was ME they were calling. Until they called me a second time. And my husband looked at me and said, "You know? I think that's YOU they're calling."
It was kind of embarrassing and there is no point to my comment, really.
Although we had a tire delivered through the mail a few weeks ago. I thought it was too redneck of us to leave it outside, but then we brought it inside and UGH the rubbery smell made me want to vomit so back outside it went and we were right back to redneck status again.
It's just so random, that I am in love with it. Seriously. I love random-ness.
Coun.
Tray.
Honey, the next time someone like the goldfish cracker lady is in front of you in line, call me and I'll come over and pee on her my ownself.
So... do they allow conjugal visits at the girl jail in Jessup? Because I would have killed her, too, and I need to get my ducks in a row just in case.
target has gotten all The O.C. on me while i was away. did you notice this? have you seen the school supplies there? i'm just saying. everything was funky and hip and fabric-covered and made me curse the options i had in school of kitty folders and clear plastic pencil cases.
My mother still writes checks. I need to physically restrain myself from ripping the checkbook from her hands so that she might use a piece of plastic like all normal people. I've developed a Pavolvian type tick everytime I see the damn checkbook.
Am down with the Target. I can sympathize with the tire in the foyer. I have a weed eater in the "eat in" part of the kitchen. When I asked husband why - he said he "might" be using it that night. That was over a week and a foot of weeds ago. oy.
My husband and I live a stone's throw from Super Target and buy ninety percent of our groceries there. Ben and Jerry's for $2.69. Cereal for $2.50. Plus, they have a candy section that features Jelly Belly jelly beans.
Good thing they sell Weight Watchers frozen dinners, too, for a buck seventy-seven.
Having just returned from the madness of Ikea -- oh, sweet cafe with your meetballs in lingonberry sauce and your atmosphere of mismatched furniture reminicent of an airport! -- you were all timely and stuff. Also, you just explained the Hell that was Bed, Bath and Beyond this weekend. Thank you.
(We bought cool dragon sheets for Moon's big girl bed at Ikea -- bet you wish you went there now!)
http://www.ikea.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?topcategoryId=15567&catalogId=10103&storeId=12&productId=52992&langId=-1&categoryId=16178&chosenPartNumber=50078690
Target is my secret garden as well, and I have NEVER gotten out of there for less than $100.00, not one time, ever!
I have to say though that I absolutely detest Wal-Mart, I hate it, hate it, hate it! I used to have to go there to get Boudreaux's Butt Balm for my little ones diaper rash (the best stuff ever for the butt, and smells good enough to eat!), but luckily Target has it now, so I never have to go back to the tacky, gross, breeding ground for the lowest forms of life known as Wal-Mart. I would rather shop in gas station mini-marts, as I feel they are palaces compared to Wal-Mart.
The tire slays me, and I can relate as I have two gigantic boxes in my dining room, that have been there for a year, and yet, I still have no idea what is in them!
I love Target, too, and cringe whenever I pass a Wal-Mart. As another poster said - where the hell do these customers come from? I live in Chicago, and there's one in the 'burbs near me. I swear, every.single.customer is missing their teeth, dirty, etc. Where are they from?!?
I LOOOOVVVVEEEE Target, too! It is my most favorite place to shop...ever. However, I do not share your same affection of IKEA. I so hate that place. Maybe it's because my brother-in-law's ex-girlfriend was scandanavian and I hated her. Perhaps I have unfairly judged IKEA...
Anyway, I am a first time commenter... linked to your site for the first time a few days ago from RSM. I really enjoyed reading your archives and plan to visit daily! My most favorite archive I came accross was "Nobody tells you" on 6-6-06. I have so had this moment (more than a few times) and have never had the balls to admit it. You rock!
Your son Noah is adorable! I have a lovely 19 month old son that likes to yell EVERYTIME I go to Target.