In Which I Make a Complete Ass of Myself, Part Four Million and Twelve
TIREWATCH 2006: Day 94

Target is the New IKEA

For several summers in a row, we've had the misfortune (translation: BREATHTAKING STUPIDITY) of going to IKEA on a big back-to-school weekend. Possibly THE back-to-school weekend. You know, the COLLEGE STUDENT back-to-school weekend, when every single college student from every single college in the area descends on IKEA in hopes of transforming their eight-foot cube of a dorm room into a Scandinavian paradise of modular shelving with perfectly-sized wicker baskets and big shaggy rugs, despite 1) having a roommate who is going to get drunk every weekend and dump all the wicker baskets over in attempt to find one to wear as a hat, and also 2) not realizing what a goddamned pain it's going to be vacuuming ramen noodles out of that big shaggy rug with a borrowed Dustbuster.

The good news is: we did not go to IKEA this weekend. (Although in an alternate reality we might have, had we made good on our plans to move out of the city this summer. Which you may have noticed, we most certainly did not. We attached some handles on our kitchen cabinets and Jason CLAIMS to have fixed the toilet that randomly decides not to flush, and by "randomly" I mean "every time you poop in it." But we're kind of paralyzed by fear and doubt and real estate prices that have not gone down as much as we thought, and the realization that we'd probably be the kind of homeowners who forget to mow the lawn and leave toilets on the front curb, and I am basing this on the fact that we have had a SPARE TIRE in our FOYER for THREE MONTHS NOW.)


Exhibit A.

Anyway. We did not go to IKEA this weekend. We went to Target instead.


1) Mouthwash, and
2) an iron.


$312.87, not including the mouthwash, which we totally forgot to buy.

You know I love IKEA. You know I loooooove IKEA. In fact, I wish I were at IKEA right now, eating a 99-cent hot dog and purchasing some kind of spare-tire organizer for the foyer.

Yet you may not know that I have similar love for Target. How could I not? Target sells makeup, which you know I need a lot of to hide the black eyes I get after I anger IKEA and he backhands me across the face for daring to expect a full set of wooden dowels, like do I not know how much stress IKEA's under these days over at the factory? IKEA's boss is a total dick, and he just wants to drink some lingonberry wine to take the edge off, and then I have to barge in with my whining about a tilty floor lamp that sparks when I plug it in? Can't I just leave IKEA be for five minutes? Goddammit, woman.

Until this past weekend, I've always thought of Target as my Safe Place. It's big! Bright! Clean! (Did I ever tell you how I almost got peed on at Wal-Mart once? By someone who I did not give birth to, who is pretty much the only person who would make that sentence even remotely less horrifying?  I mean, I'll gladly let IKEA crush my tender spirit for the sake of a cheap TV cabinet but I REALLY DRAW THE LINE AT GETTING PEED ON WHILE TRYING TO BUY A WAFFLE IRON.)

Anyway. Target + Saturday + suburban parking lot + 40 Million College Students Who All Want the Same Damn Minifridge and Are Willing to Fight to the Death Over It = A Very Bad Saturday (Weeping + Gnashing of Teeth)²

You might want to put that equation on a little flashcard. For your wallet maybe.

The good news is that we got a lot of cool stuff that we totally didn't realize we needed until that very moment, although I am trying to think of a single cool thing that we bought and cannot, save for a box of Kix (not because Noah is bored of Cheerios, but because WE are bored of FEEDING him Cheerios) and an 10-pack of bibs for nine damn dollars. That's less than a dollar a bib, y'all. Go on. Do the math yourself. I double-checked it.

The bad news is that Noah yelled at the top of his lungs the entire time -- not cried or fussed, just YELLLLLLLLED -- and at one point I decided the thing to do would be to just YELL BACK, and I did this at the precise moment of an announcement over the store's loudspeaker, which everyone in a five-aisle radius miraculously decided to shut up and listen to, and then Noah -- startled more by the loudspeaker than my yelling, I think -- crumpled into a little bundle of teary tears, much to the tongue-clucking dismay of some nearby tongue-cluckers.

I may also have been holding a box of condoms at the time.

The worst news, however, is that I killed a woman in line for writing a personal check, realizing that she had a actually had a coupon for Goldfish crackers, then realizing it was an EXPIRED coupon, and then deciding that she didn't actually want a box of Goldfish crackers after all. I killed her, and I am writing this entry from jail.

It's not bad, actually. Although a nice shaggy throw rug and a minifridge would really brighten things up.


Next time, I will pee on Goldfish Cracker Coupon Lady.



I was never in any danger of getting peed on in The Evil Empire but I have been assaulted by people who didn't know what a bar of soap was. I also saw a woman in the ladies' room who had shat on the floor in her stall. EWWW!!!!! It's scary to think that Target is just as evil as Walmart; I swear they pump something into the air that makes people spend their money.


Sometime, Amalah, go north of Baltimore (my home) to White Marsh- there is an amazing 2-level IKEA and a HUGE Target Greatland and an AnnTaylor Loft and an Old Navy and a Starbucks and a Chick-Fil-A and a Barnes & Noble and a Double T Diner (if you have to ask...) and a Lowe's the size of an airplane hanger, and oh, also a mall- all within a couple of hundred feet of each other. It's a dream come true.


Oh, it also has a Panera. I fight every weekend to stay away- and usually lose.


Point A: A friend of mine came up with an equation: every half hour in Target equals $50.00, give (not take) depending on the mood.

Point B: Wendy over at has a couple posts on "bad times stores" that I've been laughing over all week, and this was the PERFECT continuation.

Point C: (look at me, all organized and shit) Wandered innocently into Bed, Bath and Beyond three weeks ago, just after ther starting gun for dorm room shopping went off, and got trapped in the aisle by three competing extra-large carts piloted by three very determined soon to be freshmen, and have not stopped crying since. Remind me not to go into any retail store next year until Labor Day.

(Ikea and I are "on a break." I need some space.)


you know what sucks?
there's no target in canada.


I have to stay away from Target. It's for my own good, you see. We have a long and very expensive history and now I am forbidden to darken its door without a list, a chaperone, and a very particular mission. Once though my husband was reunited with some old friends with whom he had lost touch and had no idea how to contact one late night halfway across the country in the toothpaste aisle at Target.


My hate for Wal-Mart runs deep.

And you know, you can't get out of Target for less than $30. Ever!

Silly Hily

Isabel, girl I need to go shopping with you b/c I seriously can't get out of Target for less than $100. Well, except for that one time when we were broke and I was forced to go to Target and literally ONLY get what I NEEDED. It hurt so bad.
I hate Walmart. I feel like I need to go home and shower after I go there. And I've never even been peed on.


oooh, Target. I lurve Target. The one near my house has a Starbucks and the one near my office is a two-level deal. Near a Starbucks. Right there on Rockville Pike. aaahh... I swear, now that Isaac Mizrahi has his line at Target, I can get my work clothes there as well as my casual stuff. I did go to WalMart recently, despite it being the Megalomart of the Devil, because I needed both milk and yarn for my latest knitting project. If Target added a craft section, I would probably die from the excitement.


Ha! You're so right. IKEA will be hell for the next three weeks. I don't live in a Target area, but their print ads have convinced me that it is a place with makeup and thus very neat.


Ali beat me to it above... no Target in Canada. And nothing remotely resembling it. When we visited the in-laws this summer, there were MANY trips to Target.

We do have 2 Ikeas near us. And another 1 or 2 that are a bit further away. It is one of my favorite places to take my son when I've got him on my own. Which reminds me, I've got two boxes sitting in my foyer--no tire organizer, but an under-the-bed box and a bench for the foyer (perhaps a tire could fit on the lower shelf).

The comments to this entry are closed.