Beachy
Carefully Avoiding Any Mentions of the B Word

Testing the Limits of Unconditional Love

Noah broke the TiVo.

No, that's not fair. I cannot even use the word "the" when talking about TiVo. TiVo is not a "the." TiVo is a member of the family. And Noah BROKE HIM.

So Noah pushed TiVo off our carefully-arranged Pile o' Electronic Crap, along with our printer, and there was a tremendous crash that roused me from my gin-soaked reverie on the couch, where I spend my days in a powder-blue kimono, plotting to seduce various millionaires while Noah scrubs the stairs, and then I perfected the Miss Hannigan tableau by shrieking at the top of my lungs because TIVO! TIIIIIVOOOOOOOOO! and then I dove over the entertainment unit to pull TiVo up into my loving arms, where I gently cradled him as I watched his green light flicker a few times before dying. In the end, it was peaceful. I like to think he didn't suffer.

(By the way, the extent of my coping skills involve emailing everybody I know in all caps and then calling Jason and demanding that he COME HOME, THIS INSTANT, OR WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.)

We called a few repair places and were told that TiVos just aren't worth fixing unless you can do it yourself. 17 different screwdrivers and one rant about the wasteful, throwaway society we live in later, we figured that we either needed to go buy a new screwdriver or a new TiVo.

The hardware store was closed. So.

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(Ooooh. Ahhhh!)

The fact that I can now record TWO SHOWS AT ONCE does help soothe the pain of losing an entire season of Project Runway and about 17 reruns of House.

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(WE'VE STILL GOT OUR PRIORITIES, PEOPLE.)

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Noah is thinking about what he's done.

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It's the urban equivalent to having a car up on cinderblocks on your front lawn, I think.

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This, however, is just pure country, no matter where you live.

Comments

Kelly

Oh, recording two things at once is the BEST. And dare I say Noah looks like a LITTLE BOY, not a BABY? Especially in the second-to-last pic?

You're in trouble. :)

Hillarie

Oh the humanity! We wish for Tivo but have the Comcast DVR (thank you Kensington, MD). Record two shows at once- total bliss. I can't even count the number of times my husband has stopped the recording of a show because HE wanted to watch something live.

Though the ondemand is cool. I mean where else can you see the Second Jungle Book movie whenever you want. I fear the day it is removed and my 2 yr old son asks for Jungle and Jungle is no more.

Marianne

De-lurking to say I so HEART your website and to commiserate. My TiVo is a member of the family too. If the cat gets too close I yell at her. We love our TiVo so much that when it caused us to get kicked off our local and long-distance calling plan (some ridiculous dial-up policy I didn't understand), we were trying to convince ourselves that the neighbors were tapping into our phone line and using it for a dial up connection, because it couldn't possibly be TiVo's fault. We subsequently got rid of the local/LD package because it framed TiVo.

No - but seriously, TiVo has changed my life. Similar to seeing my first three episodes of Project Runway this weekend. O M G.

de

You could always tie a rope on the tire and hang it. An instant swing for you country bumpkins!

And seriously, will I become addicted if I get DVR? I can't decide!!! But am totally being pressured by the hub.

Hope

I'm so sorry for your loss. While new TiVO has many great features and you will love it very much I know it still won't be the same as old TiVO.

Mine passed away two months ago, came to a grinding halt, the hard drive just gave out on the poor little thing. Once the sobbing stopped I sent away for a new one. The old one is stacked in a closet with my broken dvd/vhs player.

I'm so glad to learn someone else keeps old episodes of House too. I find Hugh Laurie one sexy SOB.

Heather B.

Does this mean that now one can watch American Idol while the TiVo records Lost and not fear getting beaten to death because she didn't know and yet felt so awful and terrible about it?

Hypothetically speaking of course.

cursingmama

2 shows at once rocks - - however, it does have a tendency to clog ones TIVO up a lot faster.....

CrazyRideLady

I'm ashamed to admit, we don't have TIVO. I really really wish we did. I am so very jealous of your ability to record TWO SHOWS AT ONCE!

Maureen

We are one of the few remaining households without TiVo OR a DVR. We actually use the VCR to record things. We are cavemen. (I secretly really really want TiVo, but I'm afraid I will do nothing but watch TV.)

WendyB

We're even worse...we have 2 TiVos! Actually one is the old TiVo becasue Gadget Boy had to get the High-Def TiVo too.

It's so bad around our house that we are just now finishing up all of the shows from last season. I about had a heart attack the other day when I was watching actual LIVE TV and TiVo popped up a message saying Powering Down...last time I received this message the TiVo bit the dust. Luckily it came right back up with all of our shows still on the harddrive - whew!! That was a close one. I want TiVo babies...

Shelley

R.I.P. TiVo....and can I just say Noah looks HUGE in these pictures! Like he's a toddler all of the sudden! But maybe it's just the angle...but either way he gets cuter and cuter!

Starbuck

Well, at least Noah is learning his lesson by being placed on the "Naughty TIVO". And I was relieved to know that old TIVO was surrounded by those who loved him as he gave up the flicker.


I, too, have no TIVO. I wish I did, but alas my husband is cheap and I was barely able to get DirectTV, minus a DVR. This means I can only tape what I watch which is obviously pointless.

And I was happy to see a non-threatening friend for Tire. He was looking a bit dejected.

Friend of Mermaid

I think I need to get me a TiVo. It sounds that my life will become better with one......

Ali

I would cry, nay, SOB if I lost my HOUSE
reruns. I'm sorry for your loss.

*bows head and sits shiva*

starrynite

I feel for your loss...but it's hard to feel genuinely sorry for you when you are sooo funny! And also TiVo? What? Here in ye olde Englande I don't know anyone who has TiVo, although a few of my friends do have Sky Plus. I only extended my home viewing beyond the regular 5 (yes, count them, 5!!) TV channels last Christmas when my dad bought me a Freeview Digital box. I now have maybe 20, 25, but only a handful of those are really worth watching. So just consider yourself lucky!! Lol.

Laura xx

Frema

I have a screwdriver and would be happy to take your old TiVo off your grief-stricken hands.

Just kidding. Kind of. But not really.

Jodi

My 18 month old ripped the keys off my laptop, and I felt the same way. We managed to get them all back on except shift, alt, fn, and caps lock, and how often do you use those? (Alot, but I can't convince my hsuband that means we need a laptop).
Tivo-I'm not sure what would happen if he broke that. Tivo is the best invention of the twentieth century!

Bonanza Jellybean

I'm having a serious "Sex and the City Steve fixes the TiVo" flashback. Except someone sat on that one.

Did you explain to Noah what life in orphanges is like? Maybe read him passages from Oliver Twist? Because killing a family member is completely inexcusable, and at his age, it's time he understood the idea of repercussions. :)

Robbin

I'm not sure I ever got to see a one-hour episode uninterrupted until we got the TiVo. Now, it's a toss up on which one is more integral to my life, the TiVo or the coffee maker. I won't say need, because I have had an object lession in the past year on what "need" means, but it's definitely way up there on the "make my life better" list. And oh, our TiVo box is still in our garage on a shelf.

Our sons have the same playtable - it's the GREATEST table ever! Harry, at 14 months, still loves the thing.

Robbin

oh - one thing I forgot to add:

To Jodi: My son did the same thing TWICE. You actually CAN replace laptop keyboards very, very cheaply - like $20 or so. Check Ebay. Several places carry them and offer them as a "Buy now" on Ebay cheaply. They're a snap to replace.

jomama

This is why I have a baby gate wrapped around the TV and all electronics. Whenever my son was placed on the ground, he crawled straight towards the cable box and would beat on it. or try to pull the cords and cables out of it. At least there isn't a VCR to stick shit in.

And Noah is SO BIG! That second to last picture really deserves a caption. How tall is he?

MK

I so feel your pain!! Our Tivo died a few months ago with over 100 hours of shows taped. Yes, I know you are gasping at 100 hours! First is shock and simpathy of the loss, but also at how we are able to tape that many hours! Well, we can actually can tape almost 300 hours because I am lucky! You see I am married to a computer guy and he is cool like that! He replaced the hard drives with 2 large ones! Now we have endless Tivo delight!

Getting back to the horror of the loss- he was able to recover it all! Thank God! It was one of the worst weeks of our life!!!

And we now have 2 Tivo's in our house that can record 3 things at once- just in case!

Hugs! I feel your pain, but thank god you are safe now!!! I morn the lose of your lost shows though. whhaaahhh!!!

jonniker

I have the dual-tuner TiVo. Actually, I have two of them, because TV is just that important in our house. It's awesome. Truly awesome. Be glad yours broke. I know we were when ours did.

desiree

Can I just say that tirewatch has brightened my entire year? I laugh like a crazed loon every time I see it in a photo!

Roz

Delurking as well to send my condolences...but, I DO love being able to record 2 shows at once AND watch a pre-recorded show at the same time! I was told, a couple of years ago, that even at my advanced age of 50, that TiVo would change my life and it has! And rather than spending MORE time watching TV, I spend less regular time and more late-nite-usually-wasted-sleeping- time. I acutally get more stuff DONE now that I don't have to plan around certain tv shows...(which were numerous! And Noah is a doll...makes me wish mine weren't both grown-up...well, maybe not quite...

Patchie

I'm sorry, but when did Noah get permission to get so freakin' big? He looks like my 19 month old.

We quickly realized when the first spawn attained toddling abilities (plus an insane love for all blinking, be-buttoned gadgets) that an armoire was neccessary for the tv and its related crap. We locked it up with a child safety thingie around the handles when we had the TV off. And everything was pretty high up anyway, so he couldn't get at it. Worked well. Sounds like a trip to IKEA or Target is in thy future. :)

HollowSquirrel

Next time, warn me before you set forth with a tale of unspeakable horror.

blackbird

Ya know, this tire bit is even better than watching Mrs. Kennedy's hair grow.

Mazenbloo

Now this post had me laughing. After the past couple days I needed to laugh at a dying Tivo and Noah contemplating his actions. LMAO Thanks for the smile today!
(finally a de-virginized commenter)

Colleen

Delurking to say I wanted to name my kids Tivo and iPod, but the hubby wanted human names. Pshaw, I say! True love is my ability to store 50 reruns of television shows that I can always watch later in a 2-day commercial-free marathon in my PJs.

Except I never get caught up, so the death of my beloved dual tuner tivo would be a pain too harsh to bear as I still haven't watched the season finale of Battlestar Galactica.

Jane

Our first generation TiVo has been gently foreshadowing its own demise for the last month or so. I will cry when it goes, as will my husband. I will also cry if TiVo refuses to transfer our lifetime membership to the new box, which is highly likely.

edithmae

My little guy bit the TiVo button off the remote when he was 18 months old. Do you know how much a new TiVo remote costs? Thirty damn dollars plus express shipping straight from his college account, that's how much.

Kristy

You aren't going to know how you lived with the only ONE SHOW tivo.

Our Tivo tells us what to watch. We joke that we come home and say, "What are we watching today, TIvo?"

Noah looks like he CONQUERED tivo by sitting on it. Clearly he doesn't know how important it is yet. He'll learn!

Y from the internet

Here's an ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT from The Frantic IM I got yesterday afternoon.

amalah: NOAH JUST BROKE THE TIVO OH MY FUCKING GOD

me: OH SHIT THAT IS NOT OK!!!!!

amalah: JUST KNOCKED IT RIGHT OVER
DEAD! BOOM!
AAAAAAAHHHH!

me: HE MUST BE PUNISHED! NO PLASTIC UTENSILS FOR HIM!!!!
And OMG! does that mean you've lost all of your recorded programs? I WOULD DIE!! DIEEEEEEEE

amalah: GONE. I could cry

me: I'm crying for you.

Jenna

OMG - Is this common? Our electronics are all piled up on top of each other, too, and my friend TiVo is at the top. My oldest got into a fight with her (something about not recording Dora one day), and then her insides were jumbled.

The outside of our TiVo said if it was tampered with, it wouldn't be under warranty. Uh, NO ONE repairs them, like you said. We went in there ourselves, the husband welded a few things back together, and presto!

I heart TiVo.

Am jealous of your two program recording, though! Glad you are back on track.

missbanshee

*twitch*
*sob*
*whine*

I...I lost my TiVo in the "divorce." I still can't talk about it.

SOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ashley

You can catch up on Project Runway since Bravo shows it 17. million. times. a. day.

Jessie

Not the TiVO! Actually, I don't have a tivo or a dvr, so I am not invested one way or another. My husband has forbidden the TiVO because "we already watch too much damn tv". He just doesn't understand.

But still! Looks like it's time to find a new setup for all the electronic gear. If it makes you feel better my youngest cousin once fed the VCR his entire bowl of oatmeal followed by the spoon. Also, this VCR was 5 feet off the ground so he had to climb up there to feed it. If this is any indication of how young boys act, I think Noah was bound to break some piece of electronic equipment at some point.

Exiled to Canada

Let's see...our little guy has killed a DVD player (ripped the face plate off fed it cheerios), a VCR (ripped baby-proofing off, fed it crayons, cheerios, and a hat) and is working on killing the replacement VCR.
Welcome to toddlerhood!

*pixie*

Noah's got some long toes! He looks so grown up in that second picture.

Tirzah

Maybe you should set that tire outside and use it as a planter! Tivo could stand guard and make sure none of the neighborhood dogs come and pee on your flowers....just a thought. I don't recommend it! Noah is adorable as always!

Folders

And what's the second thing (after Blue's Clues) that you will add to your Season Pass? CELEBRITY DUETS.

MMM

The pictures of Noah with the captions are HILARIOUS! He's like, "I brooooke the Tivooooooo." So cute. Almost makes it worth it, eh?!

Jolene

After that horrifying story I am now not so sure about the whole having kids thing!?!

*shaking*

Art Nerd Lauren

Ummm, when did baby Noah turn into a big kid? A big-kid! My goodness where does the time go?

Ida

I would DIE!!! A long and very slow painful death. Luckily our DVR is up high so my son shouldn't be able to reach it for a couple of years. I don't know that I could so easily forgive.

Melissa F.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss!! Sob...Although I am happy that now you can record 2 shows at once. I don't know how I lived before Tivo and I definately couldn't live with out being able to record 2 things at once and watch something on Tivo. Hope things go well with your new baby!! :)

Linda

It's a wonder there are any men in the world. Everyone I know (and know of) was/is hell-bent on destruction as a little boy. Fortunate he didn't *pull* TiVo onto his cute head!
Glad you're up and running again. I am so not telling my husband about the new, improved TiVo or there will be a pretty orange box in my family room, too.

WendyB

I'm with MK on the blessing of the computer geek! We have upgraded all of the harddrives in our TiVos so we can now store countless hours of TV and never have stuff self-deleting (the horror!). This is especially important on the HD TiVo since the HD shows (Dead Like Me is the current favorite) take up almost 3 times the space of regular shows.

kimberly

I'm so glad your TiVo didn't suffer. I hope you find peace knowing you gave him a good life full of love and that he's at peace now.

Melody

i'm SO jealous of your two shows at once.. we're still "old school" and one a time piece of crap tivo.
LUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKY.

(let me get my daughter to push ours over...here's hopin'!)

sweetney

oh my god, that was motherfucking horrifying.

but WHEW! thank christ it had a happy ending.

Mrs X

Maybe Noah thought recording only one show at a time sucks. Maybe he knew if he killed Tivo a new and improved Tivo would soon follow.

Yay Noah!

Maybe?

kat

i so HEART my tivo as well. when i first got it, i was like...OMG this is the best invention ever! why didn't i buy this earlier?!?! but the new Tivo rules!!!!! glad you got it!

tracy

i feel for you. we just got comcast dvr to replace tivo b/c, even though i love our fantastic new hdtv, we could not afford the fancy HD tivo. i cry a little when i dont hear the "bloop bloop bloop" sound of tivo fast-forwarding.

Momish

Losing the House reruns would be enough to make me throw the gin away and head straight for the morphine drip! I have to get myself one. Then I wouldn't have to drug my child every tues night!

PaintingChef

I am weeping for your loss. I am. That is AWFUL. At least he that broke the TiVo is the cutest damn thing I've ever laid my eyes on.

Also? One tire? Indoors? Country? Please. I live in GEORGIA.

kim

My most sincere condolences. Although I do find it a little heartless that you were able to so quickly find a replacement. You didn't even give yourself time to mourn.

tiffanie

a while ago, my TiVo hard drive completely fizzled out on me and i was devastated. my fiance got online, did some research, bought a new 80 gig hard drive and installed it for me. it sounds easier than it really was, as there were other things involved (such as hunting down some special program you have to install ON the hard drive to make a TiVo hard drive, and so on). But he came to my rescue and doubled the amount of space i had. but now that i see yours...i'm really wanting the dual system. i think i may die if i don't get it.

Mishri

I adore my TiVo as well. It used to be in the basement and I wanted it moved upstairs. After harassing my cousin, our former in-house techie, he moved it upstairs for me.. but it lost one tuner and could only record one show at a time! Luckily I called DirecTv and they fixed it and I am so, so happy. As expected, everyone else in my family thinks that my TiVo love borders on insane.

Audrey

Poor TIVO! My husband and I have become ridiculously addicted to our DVR and would simply not know what to do without it. (Set the VCR? Are you CRAZY? It's so much easier to tell the TV to tape the show every week and then forget about it.) Thank goodness you were able to replace your TIVO so quickly.

Tay

Why, why, WHY is Noah a BIG BOY?

That is just....distressing!

Ninotchka

HA HA HA That last picture! Too funny.

beth

i feel so left out. i have never had a TiVO. :-(

mom101

The tire needs to be crazy glued to the floor and made permanent. It's that time, don't you think?

Isabel

I would have died.

That is all.

Real Girl

Noah looks so big! And strong! Like, pushing TiVo over strong!

My DVR is filled up with Project Runway and House reruns too. Also? The two BEST reality programs that I've perhaps EVER seen. "Meerkat Manor" and "Who Wants To Be a Superhero?" Honestly, Who Wants To Be a Superhero had me bawling in tears I was so moved.

God, I wish I could have said that ironically.

mothergoosemouse

Last summer, I grew very very angry at TiVo and did something horrible with his appendage (i.e., the remote). TiVo was never the same after that, so I had to get a replacement. I mean, I loved him, but come on - I have needs.

Not only did I replace him - I changed teams. Yes, I forsaked (forsook?) TiVo for a Comcast DVR, all shiny and chromey. But her luster wore off quickly, and now I find myself coveting my friend's TiVo.

Your loss was a tragic accident - perhaps an accident based in Oedipal fantasies, but an accident nonetheless. I killed my TiVo in cold blood.

Sarah

Noah has long, prehensile-looking toes. Monkey toes, if you will. Watch out, he'll soon be terrorizing other electronics with his grasping monkey feet.

And to Heather B--yes, Yes, and YES! I had forgotten about the Idol/LOST dilemma. :)

J

Since we've been staying with friends while we wait to close on our house we haven't had TIVO in over a month. a MONTH. I miss my TIVO's more than I can say....

Wacky Mommy

You just tell him he can come over to our place and break whatever he wants because he is That Cute.

lildb

a eulogy.

oh, tivo. how you were loved. how you were caressed, albeit through the tentacle of your remote, but, still; loved. how your repeated "ding" echoed through the heads of those who loved you, sometimes to the point of *almost* not loving you quite as much, because that dinging shit can drive a person a little batty, if said person has spent an ungodly amount of time running through the now-playing list in hopes that one of the items will pop out and say, I'm Priority, Watch Me Now!, rather than forcing that person to have to actually make a choice for once in her sad, sweaty life.

um. yes. tivo, may you rest in peace.

p.s. I heart tire.

Chase

Wait. You LOST Project Runway?! So no more going back to see the basket hat?? Oh, Amy, you poor, sweet thing!!! *pat pat*

Amalah

These may be my favorite comments ever. You people be the funny.

warcrygirl

Captain Destructo loved shoving pennies and shit into our VCR and our tape rewinder. Fun times. We don't have a Tivo or a DVR either; my computer geek hubby had better get on the ball.

Why not put Noah in a pair of denim overalls (sans shirt) and sit him inside the tire? Now THAT would make a country picture!

Ceej

Thanks, Amalah, for bringing this devotion (addiction?) to light. I'm just glad to know there are so many others who take their TV seriously! My sistahs! I have,(like Starbuck), DirecTV (no dvr) and can only tape what I'm watching--important, though, as children still seem to need things even though 'Project Runway' is on!Even with that, it is so difficult to leave the room when Jeffrey is smirking as Angela quakes. My birthday wish is for Tivo!

Lauren

We have three Tivo's. Yeah, THREE and they are all members of our family. I am sorry for your loss, however will tell you that recording two shows at once does rock.

Malia

HOW DID WE EVER LIVE WITHOUT TIVO?!

Malia

Nikki

i'm going to apall everyone here and say "i actually don't own a tivo." please don't hate me.

Her Bad Mother

Mom-101 is right about the tire. But you should paint it - Confederate flag, maybe - and stick beer cans in it first.

Blind Runnin

Bloop Bloop

Tippy

But now the tire has a friend!

Elizabeth

I was Googling around looking for the "Give Peas a Chance" sleeper that I used to see in a store in Santa Cruz, and I discovered that you had posted picture of Noah in it last year. Where did you find it? It is just the kind of punny humor that appeals to my husband and me.

Also: Is it bad that I'm only 5 months pregnant and already planning silly outfits for my baby?

Heather

Oy Vey!!! I can't imagine TIVO being broken!! How would we survive? How would I placate my kids with an episode of Wonder Pets that they ahve already seen 20 times? I have to go take an asprin. The thought of no TIVO is making my head hurt...

Kristen

I purposely haven't purchased TiVo yet because I know how addicted we'd become.

Noah is so. cute. I can't ever get over it.

Kyla

We would die without TIVO. I think it has kept DH and I from getting a divorce. *lol* We'd kill each other without it. :) Its what parents need to receive at baby showers. Who needs a baby swing? GIVE US TIVO! *lol*

Black Belt Mama

NOT THE TIVO!!!! NOOOOO!!! NOT THE PROJECT RUNWAY!!!! NOOOO!!!!

I totally feel your pain-got it for Christmas and CAN NOT live without it. WILL NOT live without it.

kerrianne

I love Tire Watch 2006.

And if they do not! eliminate Vincent, like say, three episodes ago, I just might tackle Heidi.

sylvia

Not that this will be a true replacement, but Project Runway is on ITunes (thank goodness as I am currently living overseas).

Jeffrey is such a pill, and I'm starting to like "Bad Mommy." Thank goodness Angela's gone! She should've been booted a long time ago, at least before Alison! I am rooting for Michael Knight -- seems like such a good guy and such a good designer too. Love me some PR!

Best,
S.

Dayngr

I adore your blog and so in turn I had to include it in my blog day 2006 post. I hope you get a ton of new readers!

Mrs. Flinger

I almost crapped my pants when we did the budget and put CABLE instead of DISH because we have a dish DVR. Then I found the joy of TIVO and the DVD recorder.

And now I can sleep at night.

Dave

Im a big lurker, been reading for over a year but the hilarity of your post made it almost impossible not to post. top effort, your tivo is up with others in little tivo heaven <3

Tony

I never got into the whole TiVo thing. Really, isn't it just a VCR?
Maybe Noah was trying to explain.

DebbieS

You need to send that picture to Jeff Foxworthy...they show the "redneck yard of the week", so maybe they'd create an urban version??

CC

I started reading and lurking then I read all the archives. Noah is so friggin cute I cant stand it! Your writing is so hilarious.

Shiz

Canada.

No TiVo.

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