Murphy's Mom's Law, Or How the Cable Guy Probably Saw Amy Naked
August 23, 2006
Our cable box blew the fuck up. Poof! Snap! Hiss! No cable! We sat there and stared at a black screen that said "ONE MOMENT PLEASE: this channel will be available shortly." And we waited many moments. And we fiddled with various remotes and cables.
(TIREWATCH 2006: Day 95, in which an angry mob of various remotes & cables attempt to drive the tire outside)
("TIRE SMASH!" says the tire. "TIRE HUNGRY!")
Anyway, we finally gave up and called the cable company.
The cable company said they'd send a Guy today, between 11 and 2.
SO, BACK THEN:
You email your boss and tell him you have to work from home for part of the day because you have to wait for the Guy.
You get a vague sense that he's irritated with you and then a telepathic shining of your next annual review all chopped to bloody hell in the office hallway, so you scramble and try to explain that you have SO MUCH WORK you can do from home, stuff that you can do BETTER from home, honestly, so working from home is pretty much the best thing you could do right now, super-responsible-employee-wise, and anyway, the Guy will probably get here right at 11 so you'll be in after lunch! That's not bad at all! See you soon, Mr. Best Boss Ever!
And then you sit there. ALL DAY. Until the Guy shows up at like, 3 p.m. And you've long since run out of any work to do, and there's not even any damn TV to watch, and you're hungry because there's no actual food in the house besides mayonnaise and you didn't dare go anywhere for lunch because you were waiting for the damn Guy, and now it's 3:30 and you still feel obligated to drive your ass to work because...I don't know...you've just always been crazy like that.
BUT NOW:
Baby goes down for a nap at 10:30 am. You jump in the shower, incredibly pleased with your incredible scheduling skillz.
Doorbell buzzes at precisely 10:37 am.
Oh. Shit.
You run around naked like a crazy naked banshee looking for clothes -- ANY FOOL ASS CLOTHES -- to throw on in order to answer the door, cursing yourself for not owning a stupid bathrobe, cursing the dog while attempting to administer Dog Whisperer behavior techniques to shut her the hell up, except that you can't remember if you are supposed to leash her, poke her, or simply scream at her like a naked banshee.
You finally grab a pair of your husband's shorts and one of his shirts from the closest laundry pile and answer the door, sopping wet, with shampoo in your eyes, panting and desperately holding the waistband of the too-big shorts that you didn't even take the time to ZIP UP, because you are stupid and very bad in even the most minor of crises. Dog runs outside. You chase.
The Guy enters the apartment, gingerly avoiding the big puddles of water you've tracked everywhere and politely averting his eyes away from you. You suddenly notice that you only buttoned one button on your shirt, but when you reach to close the wide-open shirt you forget about the shorts and they fall down to your knees.
Needless to say, there was no underwear in the laundry pile.
Guy asks if he should maybe come back in a few minutes.
You shrug helplessly. There is no point. There is no saving this encounter.
"I don't have dignity," you say. "I have a baby."
He nods thoughtfully, as if he understands. As if he's seen worse. He probably lying, but you get your cable back in time for The Price is Right.
Sweet.
Pauvre, pauvre, Amalah.
Wickedly funny to read, tho.
Damn funny. I don't even know what I'd do. Other than laugh, too.
Could I be delurking to be first? Also to say hahahahahahahaha!! That could so have happened to me. But I'm glad it didn't for a change...
Ha! I'm always streaking around our house because I don't own a bathrobe either. Maybe both of us should go out and buy one?
I may have possibly wet myself. snort.
You are so talented.
It is amazing how words come out that completely capture a situation so that there is visual, emotion, and all of those other intangibles that only the skilled wordsmith can produce.
All I hope is that you make up some of it, or stretch the truth, because I would feel badly if this realityTV really is your reality. But only bad a little 'cause you are the one who types and clicks "Post" after all =)
oh holy crap, you actually formed an explanation after that? Way to go!
and thats what counts in the end. hopefully you neve see said cable guy again!!
Hahaha... the cable guy probably thought he'd walked into a porn movie! I mean, isnt that what happens in those? Hot woman alone answers the door naked, minus shampoo and puddles perhaps, but close, right?
Forgot your panties again? Dang, girl, you're good.
Sometimes I do exaggerate a little around here.
Unfortunately, today is 100%, pure and honest, totally not one of those times.
*sob*
Note to Amalah: Must go to Target to buy super new bathrob.
And 649 other things you don't really need - but they are so awesome.
One can only assume that The Cable Guy sported a little cable of his own after your little burlesque routine.
Thank you for convincing me that my day doesn't suck half as much now as it did before I read about yours.
"I don't have dignity," you say. "I have a baby."
PRICELESS!!
dude. that is so not good.
Oh, yeah. That's how it goes.
And then they say, "So how many kids do you have anyway?" with a horrified look.
Yay for resumed television!
Oh. My. God.
Sorry. Can't stop laughing, my coworkers think I'm insane.
The only thing that would top this would be fining this Cable Guy's blog story about this crazy naked chick.....
Regardless of whether that really happened or not, it's one of the funniest fucking things I've ever read!
i think i just wet my pants laughing. i don't have kids, i should have some dignity.
Did Noah wake up screaming during this melee??
That is too funny!
Oh Gawd! So SOOOO funny! Enormously embarassing as well I can imagine but it makes for a damn good story for the rest of us. Love you!
Wow and I thought chasing down the garbage men in my hubbies clothes was bad...
So, how was Price is Right? Totally worth it, huh?
THANK CHRIST. for a moment there i was concerned you wouldn't have cable this afternoon. and entering a house without cable with mina is like entering THE GAPING, FIREY JAWS OF HELL.
so, you know, yay.
you could have worn ceiba, therefore killing 2 birds with one stone.
although i guess you would have to be nicole-richie-size to pull that one off.
at least you have cable back! so that makes everything okay.
HA-HA-HA-HA. You do have a way with words!
The tire watch is killing me. Too funny.
Dropping trou in front of The Guy when you're without underwear is PRICELESS.
I *love* the Price is Right.
Those poor cable guys. I swear, no matter what time they end up coming, it's never a good time.
"I have no dignity, I have a baby".
That is So very, very true.
(haha. I put a link in your comments. AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN, BIZNITCH.)
At least you don't have to go back to work?
ROFLOL. At work. I may also have snorted, but only a little.
I'm with Nicole--I'm hoping that Noah managed to sleep through all this?
You. Slay. Me. I totally want to have your babies. Except for the part where that wouldn't work so well, given that you have the same parts that I have and are therefore anatomically capable of having babies your own damn self. Right. Except for that.
HA! Thank goodness you feel that way, or else that would have been really, incredibly embarrassing instead of just kind of embarrassing.
Hilarious, Amy! When I think of how many strangers and friends have seen me naked due to the various wardrobe malfunctions associated with motherhood, I blush a bit. And then I'm amazed by how little I care.
ohmigawd...that may be one of the funniest things I've read...ever. LOVE the line about the dignity and the baby. You rock...lol!
Even when half nakie, you are a wise woman. Likewise, I traded in my dignity when they handed me the first baby. And I gave up my sanity with the second one.
Just a little foreshadowing for ya.
Love. This. Post.
Cable Guys must have telepathic powers when it comes to naked women.
Oh Jesus. So not right! :) Hysterical, as always. Especially love the pic of the tire surrounded by remote controls.
This Daily Stalking Segment is now concluded.
;)
I'll bet next time you call them, he'll show up even faster. Same guy. Would bet money on it.
This makes me feel so much better about the time the realtor guy who was listing our house showed up while I was play-wrestling with my totally naked (we were potty training) two year old, and giving said two year old big noisy zerbits on his naked tummy while he laughed hysterically...
Did I mention the front door was open and we were right in front of it? I looked up to see realtor guy watching with a smirk on his face. Asshat.
But now? I feel so much better because at least it wasn't ME naked, just a two year old who couldn't have cared less.
At least your cable guy showed up -- I've been waiting for mine for the past week and have been struggling without my DVR. What good is maternity leave if you can't TIVO Dallas reruns?
Ways to freak me the hell out: Tell me there is no cable. I almost just died.
(And Mina is coming?? Wheeee!)
I answered the door for the UPS guy in a towel that didn't come close to covering my big ol' self, so I'm sure he got buttcheek. But that's not nearly as good as having Jason's pants fall off you.
Getting the cable back in time for The Price is Right totally makes it all worth it, right?
My daughter would throw a damn fit if she missed one day of senile, Bob Barker. I wouldn't normally pimp out a link, but this pic is "priceless"
http://xb7.xanga.com/fb9a22133903170166350/b47171035.jpg
The Turkish spa robe is only 9000 ClubMom points. That would save you from later utility-worker flashing incidents.
Dear god, I hope this was embellished for humor's sake. I'd probably become one with the puddles on the floor if such a thing were to ever happen to me.
Oh god..this sounds like such a Doxie situation... Poor Amalah! Ranked up there with Miss Doxie now for "Nakedest Blogger!"
You'd think he would of at least hooked you up with some pay channels, for free.
And apropos of only a minor passing detail - the "dog" face that Dog Whisperer makes when he's explaining what the dog is "thinking" totally freaks me out.