Murphy's Mom's Law, Or How the Cable Guy Probably Saw Amy Naked
August 23, 2006
Our cable box blew the fuck up. Poof! Snap! Hiss! No cable! We sat there and stared at a black screen that said "ONE MOMENT PLEASE: this channel will be available shortly." And we waited many moments. And we fiddled with various remotes and cables.
(TIREWATCH 2006: Day 95, in which an angry mob of various remotes & cables attempt to drive the tire outside)
("TIRE SMASH!" says the tire. "TIRE HUNGRY!")
Anyway, we finally gave up and called the cable company.
The cable company said they'd send a Guy today, between 11 and 2.
SO, BACK THEN:
You email your boss and tell him you have to work from home for part of the day because you have to wait for the Guy.
You get a vague sense that he's irritated with you and then a telepathic shining of your next annual review all chopped to bloody hell in the office hallway, so you scramble and try to explain that you have SO MUCH WORK you can do from home, stuff that you can do BETTER from home, honestly, so working from home is pretty much the best thing you could do right now, super-responsible-employee-wise, and anyway, the Guy will probably get here right at 11 so you'll be in after lunch! That's not bad at all! See you soon, Mr. Best Boss Ever!
And then you sit there. ALL DAY. Until the Guy shows up at like, 3 p.m. And you've long since run out of any work to do, and there's not even any damn TV to watch, and you're hungry because there's no actual food in the house besides mayonnaise and you didn't dare go anywhere for lunch because you were waiting for the damn Guy, and now it's 3:30 and you still feel obligated to drive your ass to work because...I don't know...you've just always been crazy like that.
BUT NOW:
Baby goes down for a nap at 10:30 am. You jump in the shower, incredibly pleased with your incredible scheduling skillz.
Doorbell buzzes at precisely 10:37 am.
Oh. Shit.
You run around naked like a crazy naked banshee looking for clothes -- ANY FOOL ASS CLOTHES -- to throw on in order to answer the door, cursing yourself for not owning a stupid bathrobe, cursing the dog while attempting to administer Dog Whisperer behavior techniques to shut her the hell up, except that you can't remember if you are supposed to leash her, poke her, or simply scream at her like a naked banshee.
You finally grab a pair of your husband's shorts and one of his shirts from the closest laundry pile and answer the door, sopping wet, with shampoo in your eyes, panting and desperately holding the waistband of the too-big shorts that you didn't even take the time to ZIP UP, because you are stupid and very bad in even the most minor of crises. Dog runs outside. You chase.
The Guy enters the apartment, gingerly avoiding the big puddles of water you've tracked everywhere and politely averting his eyes away from you. You suddenly notice that you only buttoned one button on your shirt, but when you reach to close the wide-open shirt you forget about the shorts and they fall down to your knees.
Needless to say, there was no underwear in the laundry pile.
Guy asks if he should maybe come back in a few minutes.
You shrug helplessly. There is no point. There is no saving this encounter.
"I don't have dignity," you say. "I have a baby."
He nods thoughtfully, as if he understands. As if he's seen worse. He probably lying, but you get your cable back in time for The Price is Right.
Sweet.
Pauvre, pauvre, Amalah.
Wickedly funny to read, tho.
Damn funny. I don't even know what I'd do. Other than laugh, too.
Could I be delurking to be first? Also to say hahahahahahahaha!! That could so have happened to me. But I'm glad it didn't for a change...
Ha! I'm always streaking around our house because I don't own a bathrobe either. Maybe both of us should go out and buy one?
I may have possibly wet myself. snort.
You are so talented.
It is amazing how words come out that completely capture a situation so that there is visual, emotion, and all of those other intangibles that only the skilled wordsmith can produce.
All I hope is that you make up some of it, or stretch the truth, because I would feel badly if this realityTV really is your reality. But only bad a little 'cause you are the one who types and clicks "Post" after all =)
oh holy crap, you actually formed an explanation after that? Way to go!
and thats what counts in the end. hopefully you neve see said cable guy again!!
Hahaha... the cable guy probably thought he'd walked into a porn movie! I mean, isnt that what happens in those? Hot woman alone answers the door naked, minus shampoo and puddles perhaps, but close, right?
Forgot your panties again? Dang, girl, you're good.
Sometimes I do exaggerate a little around here.
Unfortunately, today is 100%, pure and honest, totally not one of those times.
*sob*
Note to Amalah: Must go to Target to buy super new bathrob.
And 649 other things you don't really need - but they are so awesome.
One can only assume that The Cable Guy sported a little cable of his own after your little burlesque routine.
Thank you for convincing me that my day doesn't suck half as much now as it did before I read about yours.
"I don't have dignity," you say. "I have a baby."
PRICELESS!!
dude. that is so not good.
Oh, yeah. That's how it goes.
And then they say, "So how many kids do you have anyway?" with a horrified look.
Yay for resumed television!
Oh. My. God.
Sorry. Can't stop laughing, my coworkers think I'm insane.
The only thing that would top this would be fining this Cable Guy's blog story about this crazy naked chick.....
Regardless of whether that really happened or not, it's one of the funniest fucking things I've ever read!
i think i just wet my pants laughing. i don't have kids, i should have some dignity.
Did Noah wake up screaming during this melee??
That is too funny!
Oh Gawd! So SOOOO funny! Enormously embarassing as well I can imagine but it makes for a damn good story for the rest of us. Love you!
Wow and I thought chasing down the garbage men in my hubbies clothes was bad...
So, how was Price is Right? Totally worth it, huh?
THANK CHRIST. for a moment there i was concerned you wouldn't have cable this afternoon. and entering a house without cable with mina is like entering THE GAPING, FIREY JAWS OF HELL.
so, you know, yay.
you could have worn ceiba, therefore killing 2 birds with one stone.
although i guess you would have to be nicole-richie-size to pull that one off.
at least you have cable back! so that makes everything okay.
HA-HA-HA-HA. You do have a way with words!
The tire watch is killing me. Too funny.
Dropping trou in front of The Guy when you're without underwear is PRICELESS.
I *love* the Price is Right.
Those poor cable guys. I swear, no matter what time they end up coming, it's never a good time.
"I have no dignity, I have a baby".
That is So very, very true.
(haha. I put a link in your comments. AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN, BIZNITCH.)
At least you don't have to go back to work?
ROFLOL. At work. I may also have snorted, but only a little.
I'm with Nicole--I'm hoping that Noah managed to sleep through all this?
You. Slay. Me. I totally want to have your babies. Except for the part where that wouldn't work so well, given that you have the same parts that I have and are therefore anatomically capable of having babies your own damn self. Right. Except for that.
HA! Thank goodness you feel that way, or else that would have been really, incredibly embarrassing instead of just kind of embarrassing.
Hilarious, Amy! When I think of how many strangers and friends have seen me naked due to the various wardrobe malfunctions associated with motherhood, I blush a bit. And then I'm amazed by how little I care.
ohmigawd...that may be one of the funniest things I've read...ever. LOVE the line about the dignity and the baby. You rock...lol!
Even when half nakie, you are a wise woman. Likewise, I traded in my dignity when they handed me the first baby. And I gave up my sanity with the second one.
Just a little foreshadowing for ya.
Love. This. Post.
Cable Guys must have telepathic powers when it comes to naked women.
Oh Jesus. So not right! :) Hysterical, as always. Especially love the pic of the tire surrounded by remote controls.
This Daily Stalking Segment is now concluded.
;)
I'll bet next time you call them, he'll show up even faster. Same guy. Would bet money on it.
This makes me feel so much better about the time the realtor guy who was listing our house showed up while I was play-wrestling with my totally naked (we were potty training) two year old, and giving said two year old big noisy zerbits on his naked tummy while he laughed hysterically...
Did I mention the front door was open and we were right in front of it? I looked up to see realtor guy watching with a smirk on his face. Asshat.
But now? I feel so much better because at least it wasn't ME naked, just a two year old who couldn't have cared less.
At least your cable guy showed up -- I've been waiting for mine for the past week and have been struggling without my DVR. What good is maternity leave if you can't TIVO Dallas reruns?
Ways to freak me the hell out: Tell me there is no cable. I almost just died.
(And Mina is coming?? Wheeee!)
I answered the door for the UPS guy in a towel that didn't come close to covering my big ol' self, so I'm sure he got buttcheek. But that's not nearly as good as having Jason's pants fall off you.
Getting the cable back in time for The Price is Right totally makes it all worth it, right?
My daughter would throw a damn fit if she missed one day of senile, Bob Barker. I wouldn't normally pimp out a link, but this pic is "priceless"
http://xb7.xanga.com/fb9a22133903170166350/b47171035.jpg
The Turkish spa robe is only 9000 ClubMom points. That would save you from later utility-worker flashing incidents.
Dear god, I hope this was embellished for humor's sake. I'd probably become one with the puddles on the floor if such a thing were to ever happen to me.
Oh god..this sounds like such a Doxie situation... Poor Amalah! Ranked up there with Miss Doxie now for "Nakedest Blogger!"
You'd think he would of at least hooked you up with some pay channels, for free.
And apropos of only a minor passing detail - the "dog" face that Dog Whisperer makes when he's explaining what the dog is "thinking" totally freaks me out.
And with that comment, you quashed all of the cable guy's hope that a porn fantasy might just come true... ;-)
Oh, dignity! How I miss thee. I can't remember the last time I held one shred of my own.
But that experience? That might take the cake.
This has so happened to me but it involved an a/c repair man and a bare ass. I thought I was so quick as to throw on a thong & a sun dress when he arrived early when I was getting out of the shower. Turns out I need lessons in dressing myself because my dress was tucked into my thong and I spent the entire time he was there with my ass hanging out, bending over and had no clue because my apartment was hotter than hell, so there was no draft to alert me to my exposed skin. I had no clue until I walked past a mirror long after he was gone.
Wow. And I want to have children. On purpose. Perhaps so I too can flash a service worker. Lucky guy.
I don't have dignity, I have a baby.
That belongs on a mother effing BUMPER STICKER. hahahhaahha Such wisdom from one so young. You've learned well, grasshopper. ;)
I can totally relate to this. I live in a three-story rowhouse, and it's sometimes really hard to hear a knock at the door, so if I'm expecting a cable guy or Fedex guy or something, I usually put a freaking NOTE on the door saying "Please knock loudly! I am home! I am waiting for this package/cable repair/etc so please don't leave! If I don't answer, call the house phone, I will have it with me at all times!"
Besides the fact that all the bums in Baltimore now have my home phone number, the cable/fedex/etc guy ALWAYS seems to come when I'm in the middle of peeing or taking a shower or getting dressed. And I'll be so paranoid that he's going to leave after I've been waiting around all day, clutching the phone, listening for anything that might be a knock on the door, that I'll run over to the window and thrown it open and yell down "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE! I'M COMING! I'M COMING!"
Needless to say, my neighbors love me, for I am one classy chick.
Oh, Amalah. Is it so wrong that I'm laughing at you? And that I can't stop laughing? And that I keep re-reading this post? So I can laugh?
I have to reread this when I get home. I have been stifling laughs at the story and at the comments. I need privacy so I can give this the loud laughter it deserves.
Okay. I feel only the teensiest bit guilty about laughing so unashamedly at you. I promise that if you send me your address, I'll send you a robe. That will make up for it, yes?
Going commando (and more!) for the cable guy. A new indoor sport!
haha...too damn funny!
You are so funny! But I feel kinda bad for laughing at your complete loss of dignity.
That really is a classic story and made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the chuckles
xx
I had a similiar experience...only I was not naked. Thank God for small favors. I am so sorry that this happened to you. Thank you for the laugh!
I had a similiar experience...only I was not naked. Thank God for small favors. I am so sorry that this happened to you. Thank you for the laugh!
Shit! Thank GAWD! You might have missed Project Runway!
(And damn, you're funny, you man-clothes wearer. HA!)
Shit! Thank GAWD! You might have missed Project Runway!
(And damn, you're funny, you man-clothes wearer. HA!)
Okay, now I don't feel quite as bad about the time the Mormon Missionaries showed up on my doorstep and looked in the front-door-window to see my desperately attempting to cover myself with a towel on my way to the laundry room to get clean panties.
At least I'm pretty sure that they had to repent of seeing a mostly-naked woman later. The cable guy, though? Oh, poor poor Amalah....
1. OH. MY. GOSH!
2. At least the dog isn't waiting by the door anymore. :)
3. So sorry, girl!
no.
no way did you drop your shorts in front of the cable guy.
are you serious? that even makes me feel naked reading it.
hehehehe...Love it! I doubt I would have even heard the doorbell. And will now be taking my robe in the bathroom with me more often—as opposed to leaving it in the bedroom and walking naked to the bathroom.
If that's what it takes to get the cable guys to show up early and fix the cable box I might just try that next time!
I was once caught wearing a sundress and bawling my eyes out by the UPS man. It's a long story, and one that wouldn't be half as funny if I weren't a man.
Sweet! Miss Amalah, I *love* that this sort of thing happens to you too!
Oh my word Amy! That's pretty darn funny. I'd try to do that same in the situation, but my husbands shorts would never fit to begin with!
My husband is an installer for a similar company, and given his stories, I'm willing to bet the cable guy has seen far worse things than yours did today!
Classic Amalah! What would we do without you!?
Um, I thought this was going to be a post about a HOT, perhaps NAKED, cable guy.
Yeah. I dunno why. I got all excited after reading the title. Hmmm. Must be watching too much porn.
The highlights of my experience:
1) College roomate had been gone for many weeks (illness)
2) Bedroom door wide open, large pile of clean laundry, drippy me searching for a towel or underwear
3) Very loud "I'll come back later!" as I turnaround to see roomate's father standing in the hall!
It was never mentioned again. I don't know if roomated ever knew.
Again with your crazy ass commenters who always think they are first but NO! They are not!!
OMG - I am laughing so hard right now, this is so something that has happened to me - except I managed to get underpants on.
That is the funniest thing I've read it weeks! Thank you, thank you for sharing your embarassing moments with the world! ('Cuz even though we all have them, most of us are not NEARLY as good as turning them into humor as you are!)
Oh Amy! This post made me laugh hysterically at my desk. It's so nuts that you almost dont believe it. But I do.
At least you gave the cable guy something to blog about ;-)
"I don't have dignity, I have a baby."
The phrase perfectly sums up those mommy moments! I had to print out the quote and post it on my bulletin board in my home office.
Your blog is totally mining the funny more then ever!
When they first said "I want my mtv" I don't think anyone could have predicted the lengths that someone would have gone to actually get it. You may have just taken the cake.
Aw, it's okay. You made that guy's day. Hell, maybe his week. Really, you did him a favor, and that's a Good Thing.
Now I feel better about answering the door with a bare assed baby so the pizza guy wouldn't leave without first dropping off that delicious nectar of life.
P.S. I could tell I missed some poop by the look on his face, he was polite enough to wait while I diapered
"you get your cable back in time for The Price is Right"
*sniff*
I just love happy endings...
"I don't have dignity,I have a baby."
Could be a truer statement was never spoken.
And I laughed my self into a asthma attack with this one! Thanks, I'll just go suck down some more inhaler now and keep it on hand for when I reread this
I spent the past 24 hours in airports trying to get to my dying grandmother's bedside. This is the first laugh I've had all day. Thank you! It felt good to just laugh out loud.
BTW, I hate all cable companies and Houston, TX. If you are ever stuck in IAH, sit outside the President's club in Terminal C and you can steal their wifi signal while shaking your fist at the weather gods.
Shut UP.
Oh my GOD.
Laughing WITH you, not AT you...
Your BEST POST EVER!
that's funny because it's, well, funny.
It is a really good thing that it's not required to post your address with your blog. Tomorrow you'd wake up to thousands of packages containing new bath robes. I think that would only be fun for the first few boxes.
I've thrown out the no dignity line/have baby thing also. Amazing how fast that comes out of the mouth after having a baby or 3. :)
I bet you brightened the cable guys day!
Mooning the cable guy is the coolest.
; )
OMG, Amalah, our cable went out this morning too, and all I could think of was "So HELP ME, if I miss Project Runway, Heads. Will. Roll." It was back on without a service call, thank Jeebus.
PS: PR tonight? WTF?!!!?!??!?!?!
On a complete sidenote...I swear, that tire appears to be growing.
Good reflexes, Amalah, brava!
Also, your tire appears to be monogrammed with an H.
Snorfle... giggle... snort... cheerios coming out my nose laughing! You are priceless and I MUST re-submit my request that you move to my town and be my best friend (I say this in only the most non-stalker-ish, I'm-a-geek-that-would-fall-all-over-myself-if-I-met-you-in-person-telling-you-how-cool-you-are-and-can-I-be-just-like-you-while-laughing-too-loud-and-talking-too-fast-in-your-presence kind of way).
Yes, Amalah, you need to go to Target and get a $687 robe (and plug-ins just for fun). And feed the poor tire for god's sake. It's looking a little... well... flat.
Just what I needed this morning!
Just think - that cable guy might have a blog of his own... maybe he fills it with stories of crazy things that happen to him as he makes his home visits... hilarious story!