Carefully Avoiding Any Mentions of the B Word
September 01, 2006
I am sick. A nice bleearghish sort of sick. Tropical Storm Ernesto* is blowing through town and has brought misery to each and every one of my head holes. My eyes are watering, my nose is running, my ears are throbbing and everything I eat tastes like linty socks. And the sinus pain! OH MY GOD, THE SINUS PAIN. I am discovering sinuses I never knew I had, like on the back of my skull.
* "Tropical Storm Ernesto" always makes me think of some tempestuous storyline on a Telemundo soap -- a storyline usually of my own invention because I love to watch Telemundo soaps even though I don't speak Spanish. Does anybody else do that? It's way fun.
Maria: Ernesto! Why you come into my life if all you do is destroy? Why you enjoy making me cry, Ernesto?
Ernesto: Because I do not like your hair. No one with that hair deserves of the happiness.
Maria: Ernesto!
Ernesto: I also probably slept with that nun from the last scene, I think.
Maria: Ernesto!
Ernesto: And now we make angry love. Ernesto OUT.
Yes. Clearly, I am sick. I may perhaps be at death's very door.
So here: a bunch of paragraphs and entries that I sort-of started this week before getting bored of them. Lucky you!
The new TiVo is working out well, thank you for asking. (Oh, did you not ask? Am I hearing those pesky voices again?) Although we're still getting to know each other. For instance, earlier today, according to the Now Playing list, it was recording Blue's Clues. But when I hit the "live TV" button I was affronted with some other random obnoxious children's show. I immediately yelled at New TiVo for recording the wrong damn channel, and spent several tense moments futzing around with the remote before I realized that it WAS recording Blue's Clues, albeit on that strange, mysterious other input it has.
So obviously I don't understand the Second Input of Dual Tuner Mystery yet, and then New TiVo got back at me for yelling by auto-recording Full House, the Munsters and two episodes of Sanford & Son as "TiVo Suggestions."
To help New TiVo understand what kind of wanton, sinful household it's been brought into, I'm recording five different showings of The Aristocrats. Just for fun.
It's taken a few weeks, but I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that I think someone stole my shoes at Blogher. My black Chuck Taylors never made it home. And since nothing is ever my fault, I am blaming y'all.
Or maybe the maid stole them. Or Ernesto! Maybe he followed the maid into my room and they made angry love on the bedspread and then he thought the sneakers were hers and stole them so he could finally prove that Umberto's baby was not hers, or something. Which would make sense because 1) my little plastic Philosophy powder scoop is also missing and could have been used to scrape DNA evidence from the insoles, and 2) the bedspread totally smelled like ass.
Or maybe I just forgot to check under the bed.
I have never read The Da Vinci Code. Or seen the movie.
I never saw the movie because I haven't read the book. I haven't read the book because everybody kept telling me don't buy the book, they would totally lend me their copy, seriously, they'd bring it tomorrow, totally. And then no one ever lent me their copy, and I cannot bring myself to buy the book now, because seriously, there are five frillion copies out there, I must have ONE DAMN FRIEND who will lend it to me, but I never remember to ask anymore because it's not like it comes up in coversation ever, and also, I'm too embarassed to buy it now because JESUS CHRIST, WHO HASN'T READ THE FUCKING DA VINCI CODE BY NOW? LOSER.
Hey! How about more pictures of a baby sitting on a broken TiVo?
By the way, anybody who mentions the words "September 30"...
...or "birthday"...
...or "one year old"...
...or "toddler"...
...is totally getting fed to the tire. The end.
I've never read The DaVinci Code either. Nor have I seen the movie.
I think Ernesto and the maid should definitely be fed to the tire for stealing your shoes and making your bedspread smell like ass.
I'll give your shoes back when I get the orange jumper Noah was wearing in those beach pics the other day.
I hear the library lets you borrow books for free. Just a thought. :)
See, I've never read/viewed The Da Vinci Code either. But I'm avoiding it on principle (that principle being: "I am retardedly stubborn"), because it just ANNOYS me that every idiot I know has read it and acts as shocked as if I didn't have electricity or running water simply because I haven't read it. So NO! NO! I will NOT read your stupid book, NO!
oh, and um, your baby, he seems really, really enthusiastic about that tire.
Ditto on the DaVinci Code. Same reason.
Ernesto probably also stole my blue tank top and my yellow T-shirt. Bastardo!
Seeing the cute clothes Noah wears makes me think it might just be ok if my sister has a boy in stead of a girl I can dress in frilly pink and purple clothes. Because I guess they do make cute boy clothes too! And he has a pretty smile.
The whole Ernesto scene cracked me up. Down here, I could not watch the news without falling into hysterics because the newscasters would totally be talking in normal voices until they said 'Ernesto'
[bland newscaster voice]"Well, we're getting prepared and residents are putting up hurricane shutters here in preparation for [insert crazy Maria Conchita Alonso voice here] ErrrNESTO!"
They practically whipped out the castinets.
Please dont let Noah turn one. Because that means my litte guy is turning one a month after. And that may have had something to do with me and the husband discussing child #3 last night. (Really me discussing and him saying something along the lines of, "No,no,no,no, no. Do I make myself clear?!?!")
But, the tire scares me. So I totally made no mention of first birthdays. None.
Can I talk about how I want to chow down on his foot in that one picture?
Hah! I totally did that with Israeli telenovelas, which I only half understand, and then I think I'm "learning" all this new Hebrew, like how to tell your girlfriend that she's actually your half-sister and now you two have to deal with the baby that she's carrying because it could be a genetic freak of nature, etc etc...
And then I try it out on Israeli friends and it turns out I'm calling their mothers cheap whores with poor taste in clothes.
Meh.
Errrrrnesto! The bastard took out my power and made me lose several hours of much needed sleep. He must be distraught over Maria's new lover and has now taken to stealing and sabatoging in order to get her attention. Or something like that.
I haven't read/viewed THE DAVINCI CODE either. Losers unite!!
LOL Noah's using the tire to play hide & seek or as a jungle gym.
My sister and I used to watch Telemundo soaps, and we would each play different parts. But the best was Sabado Gigante. What- you didn't stay home on Saturday nights and watch Telemundo with your sister?
Ernesto? Blogging Genius! Thanks for the laugh, and I hope you feel better soon.
Forgot to say:
1) I hope you feel better soon.
2) OMG! If you loved your preshus baby you would buy him a chair so he wouldn't have to sit on the broken Tivo ;-)
I also haven't read The Davinci Code. I don't want to buy a copy because I feel like it's made enough money, why add to it? It probably won't live up to the hype and then I will be better about making Dan Brown even richer.
So, yeah, I keep hoping that somebody will lend me theirs.
I have no desire to read DaVinci Code or see the movie....I have enough brain work to do at work, I like easy stuff for entertainment.
The pictures are adorable!
I'm sending some of my virtual Matzah Ball Soup over to you....it cures everything! Feel better soon.
Noah has the biggest feet EVER.
Bitter, I totally meant to say bitter.
I started reading the DaVinci Code - thought it was over-hyped crap du jour - and promptly returned it. I don't anticipate getting the book on tape version (yawn) or having a desire to watch the movie.
Hope you feel better soon and Ernesto flies the coop!
Just email me and I'll send ya the book. :) But not your shoes.
How are you able to use your powder without the scoop??? I have a hard enough time getting HALF A SCOOP! Thank you very much Amalah for introducing me to the "wonderful" world of half scooped Philospohy!!!
You want my copy of Da Vinci Code? Or, more accurately, my mom's copy that she loaned me because she claimed it was the BEST.BOOK.EVER and forced it upon me. And by about the 5th word I was sick of the damn thing and could pretty much see it all coming, yet read the whole damn book while constantly complaining to my husband about how much I hated it and how stupid it was? So yeah, you want it?
Oh man, I'm gonna be getting copies of that book in my PO Box for the next 10 years now, aren't I?
As for Frema's idea, our local library branch has been closed for remodeling for about four years now. On the plus side, the local firehouse (which has been closed for renovations for about five years) looks almost all done. So we still don't have books, but I'll feel much more comfortable about catching on fire.
Ahh, my sweet dear one. You are not the only one who lost something at BlogHer.
I LOST MY NOSERING.
MY DIAMOND NOSE RING.
It is gone forever, amen.
And now I need to do something before my hole closes up. And I am thankful you don't have the same problem, because I don't think your feet will fall off without the Chuck Taylors.
However: Chuck Taylors. Gooey, lovey-dovey chuck taylors. Am sad for you.
(Also, if it really does suck as much as y'all say it does, then...um. No thanks to all the kind offers of copies. I will claim that I haven't read it because I am a book snob instead of a friendless freak, which is WAY BETTER.)
Sorry you're sick--that SUCKS. Hope you feel better soon. My son's sick this weekend, too, so there goes our Labor Day weekend fun.
We, too, are enjoying a visit from Errr-NESto. Not much excitement, though, not like when Isabel came through. She was one right bitch.
What does Noah want for his. . . um, the B-word of which we will not speak?
Read the book first. I couldn't follow the movie, and I have read the book. Of course, that was two years ago, and I was trying to get my 4 month old not to scream through the movie because no one else's baby screams through the 2 1/2 hour long movie, so I wasn't fully paying attention the entire time.
Head holes? That was too dang funny and now I will try to use it on conversation regularly beacuse it was that funny to me.
Also, never read/saw the DaVinci Code. Obviously you are not alone.
As for the unmentionable things? I know not of what you speak and have not even considered what a gift I may send would be.
Our daughter's first birthday was marked by molar, molar, molar. Molars made Reilly very angry!
And yet! She also learned to walk and talk right at the 1 year mark, which was brilliant.
One molar to go...
Baby in a tire! Baby in a tire! (Okay, that was probably only funny to me. :))
In regards to the book - go to the library, I'm sure they have a copy or 50 million.
Ahh, the library. :)
Having your baby turn one is hard. But it is also sweet. I don't think they become toddlers until they're two. Which is what my daughter jsut turned. Sniff.
I totally got sucked in by the Da Vinci Code. I am very embarrassed by that. But I must say that Angels and Demons was even more far-fetched and Digital Fortress was totally predictable. If you want to ready anything he's written, I would recommend with reservations Deception Point.
Maybe your readers will start sending you Chuck Taylors.
The maid in Acapulco stole my beautiful sexy black nightie on my honeymoon 21 years ago. Bah to her! I hope Ernesto treats her dirty.
And speaking of Ernesto, there is something VERY lame about the way gringo newscasters get all frowny-faced and try to roll the "r." Basta.
Don't bother with the DaVinci Code. The book sucked. And i hear the movie sucked even more, if that was possible, because I imagine sucking more than the book would require gravitational force roughly the amount exerted by a black hole.
Just say you read Dan Brown's OTHER book and decided he wasn't an author worth reading because his writing ability stinks like stinky toes.
Noah is huge and adorable. That's all I will say. I hear you can make dandy swings out of tires, BTW. Looks like he's bucking for a tire swing/sandbox.
How about I just mention how freakin' cute Noah is then.
And I totally have a copy of The Da Vinci Code. You wanna borrow it? ; )
I haven't read the Da Vinci Code or seen the movie. I was considering reading the book just so I'd know what everyone was talking about (and so I could engage in meaningful conversation about it, being a Catholic and perhaps needing to defend my faith and all), but I eventually decided that enough people were doing that already and why should I waste my precious time-when-baby-is-napping to read what is by all accounts a pretty poorly-written novel?
So, as has been made abundantly clear, you're not alone. ;-)
Amalah, sista, did you READ my comment when I said I was one of 4 remaining people on the earth who had not read the stupid Da Vinci code?! I heart you even more now. My imaginary BFF in pop culture rebellion.
Don't read it. Way over hyped.
Also, first birthday? Not so bad. The worst part is that I can't use the "baby weight" excuse anymore.
Deception Point was the supidest book EVER. And Digital Fortress, which I read without realizing it was by the guy who wrote The DaVinci Code (which I have not read), was pretty dumb too, especially the part where the world's best code breaker at the NSA couldn't figure out the code that I cracked in about 2 seconds. I thought Angels and Demons was all right. Stupid, but fun, and not so stupid that I got a headache from all the eye-rolling like with Deception Point.
Somehow, I have managed to read all of Dan Brown's books EXCEPT The DaVinci Code. Based on the other three books, I'm in no real rush.
OMG OMG! Look how big he is!
Can I bite him, please????
My ovaries are doing flip flops just looking at that kid....
Ha - *toddler* in a tire looking entirely pleased with himself. Is this the equivalent of buying an expensive toy just to have your child play in/with the box?
Feel better!
Never read DiVinci Code. And, love watching spanish soaps and doing my own voice over. I'd get together with a group who did this. Much fun.
Phoeby, you can't use the baby weight excuse after they turn one? Dammit! I've been using that excuse for going on 10 years now! Guess I'll have to think of another excuse, like "total-lazy-assness" to explain the saggy abs.
Also, I have several old pairs of Chuck Taylors I could send you, Amalah. I think one pair is even black. Can't speak for their current level of stinkiness however, as they are packed away in my "college memories" box.
*puts hand up*
I have neither seen the Da Vinci Code movie nor read the book. May I join The Loser Club?
Maybe this is just me, but the lighting in the second picture makes it look as though a scary, werewolf-looking foot is approaching Noah...
What a cute little dumpling.
You are not alone in your Telemundo love. It's relaxing after a long day of work to watch cheesy love stories that you don't understand, except that you totally do understand it because cheese trancends language barriers.
Oh my! Noah is taming the tire! Look! They're both happy!!! It's... a miracle!
I've had that sinus pain that not only invades your face, but shoots all around (and through!) your head! It's awful! The only solution is a darkened room with no kids or husbands around, a book (may I suggest "The daVinci Code"?) and plenty of ice cream. Now, go to it!
My son just turned two and it was surprisingly not as depressing as I expected. If it helps...my brother is turning 40 on September 30th so just imagine how my mother feels. Noah is a kajillion times cuter than my brother, anyway. Even if he did break Tivo.