Goddamned Hassle 2.0
365 Days

God Hates Gymboree

Or maybe just me. But maybe we'll give it one more week to be sure.

We did indeed make it to Gymboree yesterday, and the whole getting-there-and-back-again only cost me about four hours.

FOUR HOURS. And I swear to God, that doesn't include a single minute it can be blamed on my signature brand of must-get-there-several-years-early crazy.


  • No morning nap.
  • Nooooooo morning nap.
  • Why nap, when grabbing Mama's coffee cup and shaking it like a maraca is so much fun?
  • Cold, stale coffee on carpet, couch, wall.
  • Also on baby's outfit and head.
  • Mad dash for paper towels that resulted in me knocking a half-full baby bottle (I know. But I was DESPERATE for that nap.) onto tile floor.
  • Did I mention it was a glass baby bottle? Because of course it was.
  • Walking.
  • Sidewalks.
  • Other damn people.
  • Broken elevators at Metro stations.
  • Construction.
  • Closed sidewalks.
  • Republicans.
  • El Nino.
  • Mel Gibson.
  • Gymbo, that fucking clown, who I am considering buying just to have it around the house to randomly kick the shit out of.

And of course, while the one redeeming aspect of last week's experience was that Noah had a great time, this week he howled in terror and clutched my legs the entire time.

*pinches nose, sighs loudly, reaches for corkscrew and wine pint glass*

But! There were more moms this week, and Ms. Spanish For Toddlers actually seems very nice and down-to-earth, and frankly just desperate for reasons to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

So I guess she IS a little crazy, as I plan on never leaving the house again.

Now I must go, for I'm not sure if you noticed, but I've got a birthday party to plan. OH MY GOD.



I think yesterday was just one of those days, because nothing I wanted to do turned out right either. Glad to hear you made it there and back, at least.


I am not quite sure how Republicans made you late for Gymboree yesterday, but they would not leave my damn front porch last night. Glad to know I am not alone. I hope today is better!


Gymbo bears an unsettling resemblance to the satanic clown from Poltergeist. Hence, my quitting after just two sessions. AAAAAAHHHHH! Evil clown!

Also, glass bottles? Where does one procure such a fantastical item? I thought these went out with cribs-whose-slats-are-baby-head-width.


I agree -- yesterday was a bad day. We all had some type of stomach virus in my house.

I think Gymbo looks like a great kicking toy...


Birthday party? What birthday party? Some of us are still HEAVILY in denial... even though those pictures of some toddler walking the other day shook us to the very core.

Wacky Mommy

It must be something going around because I had one of the worst days ever yesterday, too. Glad to hear you both survived. Buy one of those Bozo punching clowns instead -- way more satisfying.


Mel Gibson? I must know. And why not a wine glass? I think that sounds like a mighty fine idea.

Wacky Mommy

and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NOAH! (Cha cha cha.)


At our Gymboree class yesterday, which is usually the highlight of my little man's week, they busted out some squeaking spiders. We had to leave 10 minutes into the class.


Ummm...not at all diminishing your horrible experience...but where are the pictures of Noah?
(Sorry about your horrible day)


are you sure you wouldn't rather kick the republicans?

Heather B.

I thought you weren't discussing the 'B' word???

Bozoette Mary

Crimony! What a day! I'd rip Gymbo's head clean off, even if he is a clown.

anne nahm

Pint glass????!! One can only hope you are putting 16 oz of sweet, sweet wine in there. If not, then what the hell is next? Mom pants?


I thought you were a republican? Which makes me question why I like your blooooog so much...


birthday party? DID YOU SAY BIRTHDAY PARTY? shall i send a bottle of wine or just go ahead and chuck several fifths of vodka at you (if i were merciful, it would be AT YOUR HEAD)?


Didn't Gymboree used to make children's clothing? I am SOOOO going to have a lot to learn before having a child.

And when its my list of shit to blame, I assure that Brenda Walsh will be front and center. because I blame Brenda Walsh for everything.

Anne Glamore

Birthday parties are best scheduled for late afternoon, when adults can drink and take photos. Kid will freak at sight of cake and candles regardless; adults should be well tranquelized before festivities (!) start.


I am totally with Anne - we had a byob first birthday for Eamon. 50 people showed up, only 8 were actually children. ;-)


i personally hated gymboree. the reason being, i'm too much of a lazy person to go to all the stations and play. and god, don't make me do the parachute in a circle thing. i get dizzy thinking about it.

Maxine Dangerous

Gymboree sounds like hell with more primary colors. That said, I've never been there. I'm also not a mom and I'm crankyangrymadscrappyshittygrrr! after a perfectly poopy day, so I shall now dish my wrath (the one-sentence kind) upon Gymboree. And Republicans. Because I can.

I won't say the B word, but ohmygoddess and yay, a party! ~clapping hands~ :]


Oy, see, this is a bit why I live in the burbs instead of the city. I can get there easily if I have to, but most of the time, I don't want to.

First birthday? Gather your closest relatives/friends and drink up! All Noah's gonna want is some cake and the boxes his gifts come in to play with.

Oh, and take notes about who buys you toys that require batteries and make lots of noise. Start saving now for drum sets for their kids.

Happy birthday Noah!


Holy frijole. Despite my initial reaction of "GLASS? BABY? BOTTLE?" I have faith in your intelligence and high parenting standards, so I just Googled "glass baby bottle" prior to commenting. And now I'm feeling massively guilty for subjecting my children's little neurons to polycarbonate leaching, and I'm astonished at the rate and variety of new baby products. My son is almost 4, and I thought I was pretty well informed back when he was a baby...and now there is all this stuff I never even heard of out there!


Someone thought you were a Republican. Now that's entertainment. You know you're a good writer when you can be all things to all people.


Yikes...sounds like a rough day. Buck up! You can do it! Other plucky ecouragements!

Miss W

We're contemplating doing the whole gymboree thing...but you're kind of giving me reasons not to. Is it bad that my first contact with them was to rant about other kids and how they get sick and have germs and OHMYGOD they wouldn't dare let sick kids near my son, right?

So...yeah...you're crazy, but apparently so is every other mother on the planet. And now to live the next 33 days in utter denial of my own son's rapidly approaching first birthday. (The Noah pictures eating cake that are sure to come will shatter that for me since they're only a month apart)


I now totally blame everything that goes wrong in the world on Mel Gibson.

Cause, you know, what goes around comes around, you racist bastard.

Mel, not you.

Silly Hily

Eeeeee, birthday party. Can't wait to see pics.
And if anything goes wrong, just blame the republicans. (I kid. Sort of.)


You've got to get busy planning a what? It's something I've wiped entirely from my memory, considering we're not allowed to discuss it.

But we want to discuss it.


Cursingmama nailed it!


I am all for you abusing the clown. Because clowns? They are scary. Especially Gymbo...he looks like he wants to hug you and NEVER let go.

Plain Jane Mom

Um, I'm just saying, but Gymboree does birthday parties...


Ella says, "Hap-bur-day" to Noah. Good luck with the party planning, we're having 11 kids for her birthday in 2 weeks and I'm already panicking!!


bobo, Obviously you haven't been reading Amalah very long. She definitely does say she's a registered Republican. Back around the 2004 elections. So yeah.


Mary is right, but that was a holdover from my old ultra-religious days in college when I thought that Pat Robertson should run from president. Youthful indiscretions, right?

I am a Democrat now. Very much so.

Emmie (Better Make It A Double)

I blame everything on Mel Gibson. Out of principle. I want an anatomically correct Mel Gibson doll to kick around.


I didn't even know they still MADE glass baby bottles.

Or perhaps it was the WINE BOTTLE that was intended to get him to sleep?


Gymbo, Mel Gibson--same thing. Both clowns who scare the holy living hell out of me.


Random unrelated (well somewhat) question-- does your voting Democrat bother Jason or your family? As for me, I get mildly annoyed that my boyfriend doesn't wholly share my political views. I blame my alma mater (AU) for making me this political.


When I taught Gymboree, and was cleaning (and cleaning and cleaning and CLEANING) every night, every so often I'd take the Gymbo and slam his head against one of the slides over and over until I felt better. It was a Good Thing.

That damn clown is overpriced and the devil.


I feel for you regarding planning the birthday party. Bump is turning one the next Saturday and I'm ripping my hair out trying to figure out what to do. GAH! And I'm sorry about your cursed day at Gymboree. Take care and have a stiff drink.


Republicans wouldn't even go to Gymboree.


They still *make* glass baby bottles?! That's so silly.


Oooh, invite me to the party, pleeeeez. Even though I won't be able to come because it would involve a 8 hour flight (or something like that) I so wanna be there :)


I'm here to tell you that there are bubbles in the air, in the air...for about the next five goddamn years in your mind. Good luck.


Don't forget to blame La Niña - El Niño's cold bitch of a sister.


We only went to the one free class. I hated it. Snotty bitches.


I just finished Hailey's birthday party. I'm exhausted. Pass me a pint glass.

Bonanza Jellybean

Noah's probably just afraid of the scary girl from last week... I don't know if he's emotionally ready for all of the "seeing your ex after an ugly break-up stuff." :)


HORRAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY NOAH! (Totally calls for ALL-fucking-CAPS!) (Why must I curse in an innocent birthday wish to a 1-year old?)


Ohhh, the 1st Birthday. Delurking just to say good luck. You will need lots of wine. I felt like crying through the whole thing when my baby turned one in July.


Who needs Gymboree when you have The Tire!

Hang it from the ceiling and let him use it for a swing.

And of course, we'll need pictures.


I think a pint glass for you wine sounds like a mighty fine idea.

Happy Birthday Big Guy !!

Can't wait to see the pictures :)



I hope the car is better, but if not -


check out today's woot.


Ha! I have been blaming the repubs for everything from the run in my hose to the weird hot/cold weather we have been struggling with lately - I don't mind blaming Mel either - cuz who knew?

Sorry about Gymbo - with our darling in the childcare center (germ-filled-swamp-of-destruction-of-all-weekend-plans) I decided it was one structure activity too many. Try Music Together - no weird clowns and lots of music.
Hang in there...
Missy - Mom to EFP

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