Dispatches From Right Now
Stressoree

My Weekend, Or Why I Am Still Very Cranky On Tuesday

We went to Jason's company picnic on Saturday.

It was raining.

It was alcohol-free.

It was at the fucking zoo.

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Soaking wet and sober is no way to spend a weekend. When you add in the smell of monkeys and forcible posing with a giant stuffed panda, well, hello! Welcome to hell. Please to enjoy this commemorative Polaroid of your visit.

(On the plus side, how styling does Noah look? He's wearing head-to-toe gifts from Miss Zoot, who alone ensures that my son has something else to wear besides prune-juice-stained onesies.)

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Exhibit A: Chug! Chug! Chug!

By the way, do you see that? THAT RIGHT THERE? With the sippy cup?

That is a child who is breaking my heart, is what that is. No more bottles. AT ALL. Not even before naps or bedtime anymore. He's done.

I had a full-on freak-out about a month ago when I thought about even attempting to wean Noah off bottles. He switched to mostly whole milk around 10 months old, but he would have NOTHING to do with sippy cups. Formula, milk, juice, water -- all were met with a dribbly open mouth of disgust and then hurled across the room. Bottles were greeted with screams of JOY JOY JOY and carried around the house empty and attempts to take them away were greeted with screams of HATRED HATRED HATRED.

In other words, Noah did not seem like he was ready to give up his bottles any time this decade.

Then one day, on a whim, I picked up some YoBaby drinkable yogurt at the grocery store. I poured some in a cup, handed it to Noah and got ready to receive a sippy-cup-shaped bruise on my forehead.

Instead, Noah downed every drop, all the while looking at me like, now THIS is yogurt! What the hell was with that SPOON business, woman? God.

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And then every few days after that it seemed like we were eliminating yet another bottle, adding another meal or snack, another new food was met with approval, another blow to the happy little routine I worked so hard to carve out. Another step away from babyhood.

(Oh crap, she's about to go off on some hardcore mommyblog shit, I can just sense it.)

He eats Indian food and pasta and pizza. He loves peas and broccoli and cheese and waffles and yogurt and every fruit in existance.  He sorts shapes and invents games and plays fetch with the dog. Everything in the world is called da-da. He still won't wave or clap or point. Baby sign language goes over with a skeptical thud. He walks unassisted, but only when he forgets to think about it.

He is hitting milestones at a rate I can't keep up with. I look back on his newborn days and the care I would take to obsessively report on his every eye movement or the tiniest change in his flailing limbs. Now it seems indulgent and tiresome to even try to document all the changes I notice every day. Sippy cups! How about that! How utterly fascinating! Please tell us the exact nature and consistency of his "big boy poops" while you're at it!

When compared to every other child out there, he is not unique or brilliant or special. He is just another kid, growing up, and of little interest to anyone except his parents, who naturally think he is the MOST unique, the MOST brilliant, the MOST special kid on earth.

All because he knows how to use a stupid sippy cup. But you know what?

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It's good enough for me. Alert Harvard.

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(Well, okay, Maybe give him a few more years to work on his cooperation skills.)

Comments

Melissa

Now this is why I read Mommy blogs. My son is freaking TWO years old and drinkable yogurt has never once crossed my mind. I've been sitting around trying to spoon feed a spitting, twisting, unHAPPY monster, errrr....toddler. Drinkable fucking yogurts???

You're a genius, I'm an idiot. Must go to the store now. Gah.

Oh yeah, cute kid.

Maria

How is it that you make even a nostalgic post humorous?

Shelley

I know it's hard to believe - but oneday, you'll be so elated he can eat and drink like a normal person! And get this, oneday he'll even be able to climb up on the counter tops to fix his own bowl of cereal because you are too busy reading and commenting on someones website:)!

Maria

Oh, and they want you to socialize sober. WTF?!

Linda

He looks so incredibly *not* like Noah in the zoo pics! Clearly the only thing on his mind is escaping. Cute clothes, though!

Cris

You guys look soo adorable! Amalah, you look even more beautiful than ever.. all glowy!

Jaime

That is one cute family portrait, wet monkey smell be damned!

Tirzah

Cute pics. I need to buy some more sippys with handles for Austin. He recently switched to whole milk and I'd be more than happy to get rid of the bottles. I'm wondering where Mr. Panda lives in your house...

Sherry

Wait until you hear the first time he looks right at you and addresses you as "mama".

Yup. Done for sure.

Aly

"But MOM, the panda is freaking me out!"

He's growing up - just wait until he starts school! Ack, okay, don't think about that just yet...

-Aly

Dad Gone Mad

What kind of sick company has an alcohol-free company picnic? This ain't China, foo! Pop a top and let's all watch the mailroom chick get too buzzed and lift up her blouse!

Emily

The thought of "drinkable" yogurt makes me throw up in my mouth a little. What's next? Drinkable cottage cheese? I will be using a spoon, thankyouverymuch.

Contrary

I just had a few angst-y moments of my own because my youngest has outgrown the sippy cups. Of course, he's 16.

(Bah dum bump)

Anyway, everyday it seems he grows bigger and smarter and more of his own person. He's only 3 and he goes into his room and closes the door and plays quietly. He's a teenager already. The only thing that's missing is the subtle contempt in his voice when he speaks to me. Maybe when he's 4.

Isabel

It seems like just yesterday that Iw was patiently awaiting his arrival (along with the rest of us), and now he's almost a year old...and drinking out of sippy cups.

Wow, it all went by fast.

(I'm not ready for my baby to grow up. But it just keeps happening.)

Love the pics. As always.

jonniker

That downy little head. Oy.

Jenn

I can't even walk PAST the monkey house at the zoo. To have an alcohol free company picnic at the zoo (god, you weren't actually IN the monkey house, were you?), isn't that a violation of the Eighth Amendment?

LaLa

Ok, my dad had to confiscate sippy cups from me when I was about 12.

How rude.

starrynite

He looks so cute with the sippy cups. Can't believe how big he's getting! And you are not the only 2 people who think he's marvellous. We do too!

xx

Jolene

He is getting so big! Great post! So sorry that you had to go back to the zoo.

michelle/weaker vessel

Dude, you don't have to get all meta-self-critical! Little baby kids Noah's age are inherently fascinating to their moms; I think it's an evolutionary process that helps cut down on the number of insane 2 yr olds who get left out in the woods screaming "Me do it! Me do it!" defiantly as the slobbering wolves close in.

Lisa Ann

Oh my! Prune juice stains and all, that's one cute kid.

I hate the zoo too! Everything about it creeps me out, the animals, the smell, the everything.

missie

It was a happy happy day here when Princess Alison decided that sippy cups were not evil tools of the devil. I am so happy to never sterilize (ha,ha) another bottle or have to boil the formula water (double ha,ha) to a certain degree and prepare all those bottles.

But sippy cups do hurt more than bottles when they are pitched at your head. I think that is Baby Sign for "Empty cup here! Catch up, woman!"

Audra

What was this company picnic weekend? We had my husband's company picnic also and my poor three year old was almost taken out in a bounce house accident. GERR

warcrygirl

Awww, such a big boy! Pretty soon he'll be programming the TiVo and hogging the remote.

JustLinda

It's the time-warp of parenthood. It goes amazingly fast and paradoxically slow (when you're not getting sleep) all at the same time.

Somehow, my baby is frucking TWENTY-THREE. Oh my god. If I ever unchained her from the furnace and allowed her to comingle with BOYS she might make me a gr...gran... oh, I cannot even say it.

Thank god for furnaces. And strong chains.

Sundry

I am a big fan of celebrating/mourning milestones as much as I damn well want to because you know, the jaded world-weary shit just doesn't fly when it comes to Things My Baby Does. Also, I am fascinated with every detail ever other mother decides to share about their own offspring. Therefore, please post all you want about sippy cups etc, because I say so and my opinion is super important.

(Riley likes to throw his sippy cup at the dog OMG is he "speshul"?)

Robyn

Before I had kids, I just assumed everyone wanted to hear about my cats. Now, they get the kid stories whether they like it or not!

Starbuck

I was thrilled to be finished with bottles because if I left them out at all my cat would steal them and chew the nipples to bits. Stupid cat!!

JustLinda hit the nail on the head about the tine warp of parenthood. Just when you think they will never grow up, you find yourself wonderng where the time went.

Susan

I refuse, on principle, to attend ANY work-related event that does not prominently feature alcohol. Especially if it also involves bringing my kids.

That said, GO NOAH! The sippy cup is good training for your own alcohol-related work events. LATER in life, of course. Much later. Muuuuuuch later.

motherbumper

Oh you've made me cry. I've been totally getting down about the fact that I no longer have a newborn but a full flegded almost toddler (Bumper is a week younger then Noah). We are hitting milestones every second (so much so I think husband might change his number at work). I can't quite get a grip but reading that you are going through the same thing makes me feel better - it really does. Thanks.

SJ

First of all, I want to say that I love your blog, and I read it often. You and your family are beautiful people, and you are absolutely hilarious. I relate to you so much at times. Anyway, I just wanted to say that ever since I moved away from VA I miss that damn zoo. And too, that Noah is a cutie. I have a 12 month old that enjoys his sippy cups now instead of his bottle. It's amazing how fast they grow up and how fast time flies. Enjoy it to the fullest!!!

Patchie

I am always so happy when the bottles get chucked for sippy cups. With my first, it was a torturous process of gradually weaning him down, and with my second, we went on a plane flight from Ohio to Montana while he was still drinking bottles. He got sick on the plane and in the hotel, and I think somewhere in his baby mind he connected the bottles with the puking, because when we got back? He refused the bottle. And embraced the sippy cup. I'm still scratching my head over that one.

Noah is gorgeous and of course brilliant. Can he come teach my kids to enjoy Indian food? Because my first has informed me that he has four favorite meals: boxed mac and cheese, pizza, grilled cheese, and egg in a window. He'll eat other things, but not without an annoying martyred look that says, "I'm enduring a varied diet, for YOU, mom."

kerri anne

I sort of miss sippy cups. Life was so much simpler and more fun with sippy cups. Or at least, so I've been told. ; )

Mieke

So cute! One day it is bottles, the next it is sippy cups, and before you know it they are independent "pre adolescents". It's crazy! Waaaah! But you know what? Each one is of course the most special one in the universe! Of course!
Noah is such a sweet, adorable baby!

supa

ah, hell he's cute.

You know what? bring it, with the mommyblogger shit. I think I still have some tears to cry, even after HOUSE tonight.

Mama O

Those sweet cute little milestone...
Just wait until the day when your standing in
line purchasing deodorant for him... I had a freak'n breakdown in the wal-mart express lane.
But with that said I was also going thru the emotional rollercoaster of sending my youngest one to kindergarten and it was all just too much!

laura

the weekend could have been much worse....my father in law passed away this weekend. add in laws that make you physically ill acting like vultures or looking at your little boy like he is some sort of freak of nature because he is developmentally delayed to the mix.
Still a company picnic that isn't your company in the rain with no alcohol but animal poopy smells does suck!
hope the week is better for us all.

Nothing But Bonfires

What I love most is how Jason has to HOLD THE PANDA. Like it's not enough of an assault on one's manhood to have one's PICTURE taken with a giant stuffed panda, but now one has to actually HOLD IT ALOFT to ensure that it's in the picture.

Then again, it was his stupid bloody company that didn't serve alcohol. So maybe you're even.

Wacky Mommy

That Noah has the prettiest eyes I've ever seen.

shy me

Dude, I can barely use those sippy cup things. So yeah, alert Harvard! : )

Sarah

When I was 5 months pregnant, I attended my husband's 10-yr college reunion with him. It involved a pub crawl, two beer bashes, and an all-day tailgate-plus-football-game at an outside stadium and (you guessed it) it rained for much of the day. So I was wet, stone sober, and surrounded by delicious, mouthwatering BEER. I was nearly postal by the end of it.

Mishri

I actually went to a company picnic at the Zoo over the summer.. and the panda toy/ picture was my favorite part! I got two pictures with the stuffed monstrosity, because I'm sort of a panda-holic (even though Tai Shan has now outgrown the stage of insane cuteness).

momslo

He really is smiply adorable, you know that!

yea, I think you know that!

He really is darling.

That panda doesn't hold a candle to him.

sweatpantsmom

I took my girls shopping today, and in the dressing room realized that my 10-year old, my baby, my firstborn -

needs a bra.

I am sad.

adwina adwina

Noah is so gorgeous. It's good to know he now uses his sippy cup. I guess he found it a lot easier to get his drink from it, right...

And that I link you up in my blog post, about your adorable Noah's development.

I hope you like it, Amy...

Antique Mommy

Somday soon, your pizza-eating boy will reject all food entirely for months on end and you won't even believe the lengths to which you will go to get him to eat anything, anything at all - cardboard with icing, chocolate covered Cheetoes, and when even those efforts fail you will stick a fork in your own forehead out of frustration and you'll think back and say, oh, now I know what she was talking about as you try to pull a fork out of your head, which by the way, make will not cover the tine marks.

Jem

I went to the zoo once at night. It was raining. It was for a concert. But our group was being sponsored, so there was FREE BEER.

Pooter's Mom

Now I understand your popularity with the womenfolk, myself & my 15 year old included. But now you've got my HUSBAND asking, "have you read Amalah yet?" There. Another milestone.

MMM

It IS interesting and exciting! My kids are 6 years apart and it is JUST as exciting every time my second child does something new! Don't feel bad for sharing it with us. We mommies love the mommy blogs! We love Noah--duh! Keep sharing!

Anne Glamore

Soon you'll be buying drinkable yogurt by the case- in our quest to have healthy snacks, my boys can each have 2-3 of these an afternoon. I think I need a cow and an Amish lady or something to save $.

Heather B.

Well I think he's fucking brilliant and the most unique and the most special and just awesome as well. So there.

andy

Well shit. Now I feel ashamed of all MY prune-juice stained onesies. Stupid drinking out of the jug. Dammit.

Sonya

haha..the clapping. Our little guy wasn't clapping either and then at about 9 months we went to a chinese restaurant for dinner and the waitress informed us that she was the baby clapping whisperer and that she teaches babies all the time. She was met with our sarcasm of sure, go ahead...try and teach him to clap. She spent about 2 minutes with him and the boy has been clapping non stop ever since. Now if she could only get him to walk...

feithy

My boys are teenagers now, so I love reading about Noah because it helps me remember how adorable mine were. Thereby preventing me from running away from home or murdering them. Thereby guaranteeing I will get grandbabies out of the deal!

Hee. :)

Rachel

That post made me wanna cry. My baby is learning how to crawl and I don't want her to. I'm the only one that doesn't want her to, but I brought her into this world, so I'm the MOST important one.

Real Girl

The picnic outfit? Is so baby dope. And the shoes rock extra hard.

Amy

Is that a baby Kangol? I could die...

Jamie

If you're gonna hit the zoo, you gotta do the unthinkable and get up EARLY.

The animals are usually active and playful in the mornings before it gets too warm. He's still a bit young to appreciate it, but in another six months, he'll LOVE the zoo.

When head in to the zoo, we try and plan it so we arrive around 9:30, 10 at the latest. The buildings aren't open yet (unles we're not arriving till 10), but the zoo itself is, and most of the large animals are out in their yards.

Peyton

I'm loving Miss Zoot's stylin' baby boy clothes for Noah - he looks adorable!

Just wait until he stops, looks you straight in the eye, and says, "I love you, Mommy!" I thought I would DIE the first time Ella did that to me! :-)

Jenny

Fasten your seatbelt and hang on tight. The ride just gets better and better, Amy!

And, believe me, there's still so much, too much, of your heart left to be broken. No mother is safe.

Y from the internet

Nothing But Bonfires comment kills me. I love her.

Julie

Just be glad Noah isn't old enough to whine and whine and whine about how much he wants you to BUY that large stuffed Panda. Because the only thing worse that posing with the panda would be owning that Panda! I do think the picture would make a lovely xmas card though! : )

Melissa Turner

Milestones, falling like dominos…

I have to look back at photographs to remember what my daughter looked like as a baby. Pitiful.

"Memories, like the corners of my mind…"

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