Alternate Reality Blogging
October 06, 2006
Oh my God. I can't even look at y'all directly. I'm so embarrassed. Let me stare at my shoes instead. Ah. Pretty shoes.
Don't you know I have issues with taking compliments? Now I feel compelled to like, insult myself a lot. Or scan my junior high yearbook photos. Or maybe just go ahead punch myself in the eye. Anything to balance out the niceness, that I swear (POSSESSED PINKY-FINGER SWEAR!) I wasn't fishing for, nor did I ever expect in such massive quantities.
Anyway. Yesterday was one of those things I just needed to write down and throw out there, and I started to feel better almost as soon as I hit "publish." (I actually, in all seriousness, went back to delete it about 10 minutes later, but then the nice comments were already pouring in, and WHO AM I TO DENY THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE?) (PARTICULARLY WHEN THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE = SAYING NICE THINGS ABOUT ME.)
(I am once again friends with parentheses and caps lock, in case you were wondering.)
What amused me mostly, however, was just how many of you said something along the lines of "you could write about [something dumb and boring] and I'd still read it."
Well, in the interest of science, I say: WE'LL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT. HA!
Here are the topics suggested by various good-looking commenters in that very fashion, accompanied by my blatant abuse of your loyal reading eyeballs:
MY KITCHEN SPONGE
A REPORT BY AMY BETH CORBETT, AGE NINE
My kitchen sponge is blue. We use it to clean many things like pots and things. It is full of holes like an English Muffin.
One time I used the kitchen sponge when it was my turn to clean the bathroom and then put it back in the kitchen and my mom got mad and yelled at me when she found out later that I'd used it on the toilet.
Real sponges come from the ocean. My kitchen sponge came from the Acme.
WATCHING PAINT DRY
We never repainted our kitchen after we remodeled it last summer. Our real estate agent has suggested that maybe we better get on that. I would very much like for someone else to get on that and am in fact fully planning to hire a professional to paint it, despite the fact that our kitchen is the size of a postage stamp and the walls will probably require like, seven strokes of a paintbrush.
(Heh. Strokes.)
WATCHING GRASS GROW
I would write about this topic now, but I think I'm going to save it for after we buy a house and the full reality of yardwork hits me like a ton of lawnmowers.
POOP, DROOL, SCREAMING, PUKE, & GYMBOREE
New tagline, anyone?
"I Had a Bowl of Captain Crunch for Breakfast"
I do not like Captain Crunch. Mostly because of the word "crunchberries," which come on. Doesn't it totally make you think of like, dried crusty boogers?
No? Well, I bet it will now. MWA HA HA.
MY BIG TOE
Okay, let's be honest here. Does anyone else have hair on their big toe? And does anyone else maybe occasionally shave that hair off?
Y's BOOBS
Yvonne's rack is magnificent, and she's got more cleavage than you can shake a beeflog at.
TAKING A LEAK
Um, ew? `
Although...wait. I already DID talk about taking a leak, albeit an implied leak, in that entry about Ceiba falling in the toilet. (TWICE.) See? This blog hit rock bottom AGES ago.
DRYER LINT
Have you ever wondered if you're a crazy religious nutjob or a crazy liberal doomed to forever burn in hell?
Wonder no more, for I have devised a simple personality test to tell you for sure!
Face of Satan? Or Missing Link?
*also, for everybody wondering where the hell poor old MaxCat is, the above picture should put your minds at ease that he is alive and well and as sheddy as ever.
MARSHMALLOW FLUFF & PINWHEELS
Okay, so I wasn't sure if Ivie chose these two things randomly, or if they went together in some way, on purpose, so I Googled them. And indeed, there a couple recipes for marshmallow fluff pinwheels. Mostly involving JELL-O brand gelatin.
I am not going to comment on the JELL-O and marshmallow fluff pinwheels, as I learned my lesson ages ago about poking fun at cherished family recipes involving JELL-O. (And that lesson is: Dave Barry will link to you and five million bazillion people will come to your site on the exact same day you decide to write about a thrush infection in your boobs.)
However, I also found something called "Candle Salad," which involves: a plate of lettuce, one pineapple ring, one upright banana stuck in said pineapple ring, all topped off with a cherry and marshmallow fluff for that special, ultra-appetizing "melted wax" look.
I TOTALLY smell a photo essay, don't you?
Photo essay - pleaaazzzzeee!
I like the boring stuff - it's good.
Love it - great post to round off a stressful Friday afternoon at work!
Have a great weekend Amy and bring on watching that grass grow!
Funny. My kitchen sponge comes from Target.
"Candle Salad" - the description sounds vaguely R-rated. Or, wait - is that just the way my mind works?
Yards are nice until you have to take care of it, and then you think about replacing it with Astroturf, or maybe landscaping rocks.
Every year, we plant flowers and put nice stuff out on the back porch and then, every year, we never ever ever sit outside. Then it's February and we go on about how nice it will be to sit outside when it gets warm. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
In response to your big toe questions: yes. and yes.
OMG Hairy toes UNITE. WONDER TOE POWER.
In all seriousness you are da bomb
I'm going to go with Face of Satan *and* I'm going to say that of course OF COURSE I have hair on my big toes that I shave off, and I even have a rogue hair mid-foot that needs attention occasionally.
Yes to both big toe questions. Ahem.
Oh, and see? Even the kitchen sponge thing was funny!!
I dunno, I may have to go with Missing Link. It just doesn't look Face-like enough to me.
I have toe hair, but shave it off? Are you crazy, girl?
Crunch berries make me think of things hanging of the rear-end of my collie. Ew. Things I am too lady-like and delicate flower like to touch. Things my husband must get rid of before I brush the dog.
Yes, I have hairy big toes. You bet your bippy I shave them.
I have hairy big toes. When I was a teenager it made me feel like a hobbit - then I shaved them, they bled, and my mother laughed at me for shaving my toes. So since them, I have not shaved them. It's just a little hair, right?
I would totally be into letterboxing in DC or NoVA. Now I have to look into that. The husband and kiddo would definitely enjoy.
You have no idea how upset I am that you mentioned big-toe hair today, because I'm finishing up one of those ask-me-a-question-and-I'll-tell-you-no-lies memes and somebody asked me what color my toe nails were and seeing as I haven't painted them in forever, I was going to come back with something witty like, "While I'm lacking in the personal pedicure area, my feet aren't totally neglected. I do shave off the hair on my big toe from time to time." And everyone would think, "Oh, that Frema!" and enjoy a hearty laugh.
NOW if I say it, all eight of my readers will shake their heads and think, "Oh, that Frema, stealing Amalah's toe-hair humor."
Way to go, Amalah.
I hate the hair on my big toe. It won't be there and sudenly it jsut appears and looks all gross and mannish... And I agree with Linda that the salad does sound a little "X" rated.
Why is it ok for you to blog about your child, but the rest of us are lame?
I've noticed this trend with the bigger names in blogland. Blogging is only for the cool kids now?
Yeah for feeling better! You recieved all those comments because we all love you so much! And it is true- we will read anything you write- you make every topic fun! Thanks for sharing your life with us! It makes our lifes more fun and nice to have others taht we can relate with and be reminded that we aren;t the only ones losing our minds at times! Love ya!
Oh dear lord, how you scare me. In all the right ways.
And, um, I hate to admit that I LOVE the O RLY owl. Shhh.
I love how everyone would rather talk about BIG HAIRY TOES than MY BIG NOT HAIRY BOOBS.
What? I think you misread that a little bit, Millie. Actually, a lot.
I was talking about myself, and my frustration with myself was leading to a general burnout for blogs in general. Especially since it is my job to read and write about mommyblogs, in addition to writing my OWN mommyblog. I think anybody might start feeling like it's all really repetitive after a few months of that.
Amy --love ya, mean it, wanna be ya for Halloween. But.. WHERE IS THE TIRE?
Yup, I've got the toe hair. Yup, I shave it off.
No, No...please stay, we love ya...you make me Laugh. Hairy toe?? But of course, I shave it off. We must continue to seperate ourselves from the animals..right? Right???
Checking back - don't shave the toe hair gals. PLUCK IT! It hurts and kind of makes you wants to sneeze, but also lasts a lot longer.
Plus - toe stubble... ew!
I got in a yucky fight with my boyfriend last night and I've been in a miserable, crappy mood all day.
This post made me smile. And laugh! Out loud!
Thank you! Thank you.
Kelly (admitted toe-hair shaver)
I have to say that thinking of a banana placed carefully upright in a pineapple ring did not make me think first of a candle. Obviously my mind is firmly entrenched in the gutter. Which makes the idea of a photo essay delightful.
ps - if you really want a painter I have a good recommendation for you.
Candle salad makes me think of a commercial I saw as a kid for making a sundae on a Saturday. It used a pineapple ring and cottage cheese and a banana in the middle. I think that was all that was in it. Crap. Now I want pineapples and cottage cheese and I have neither.
Max D ... who has no toe hair but is known to sprout -- ha! -- a six-hair "beard" every few days, which is quickly eradicated with her Personal Touch razor (hee -- Personal Touch sounds naughty!) :]
That salad sounds like it belongs in the "Erotic Bakers Cookbook" (it really exists - true story - and is pretty naughty).
And for what it's worth, the entry about Ceiba jumping into the toilet (twice) is my all-time favorite blog entry and never fails to make me laugh until tears are streaming from my eyes.
Don't worry about schtick, just be you throughout changes you go through. That's what it's all about (in case you were wondering). :)
I know what you mean, though. When I have to do something, no matter what, I feel immediately that there are other things I want to do. Even if I were told, "You HAVE to go shopping with my money, no limit, spend what you want on whatever you want, you just have to do it today."
I'd be like, hmm, really? Can I do it tomorrow? Cause I'd really like to do something else, anything else, something I don't HAVE to do.
I don't know why that is. Craziness.
Captain Crunch is scary. It cuts the inside of your mouth all up. Then you get the taste of bloody milk and cereal all mixed up. Just forego the Captain Crunch altogether.
1. Toe Hair Here Too
2. Banana with cream anywhere near it and INSIDE a pineapple ring?? What?!? Phallic much? And it reminds me of the funny OLD Weight Watchers Recipe cards...I'm sure you've seen those already.
3. Millie? (shrugging confusedly)
Toe hair - yes. Shave or pluck - yes. Ingrown hair - unfortunately..... Pumice stones are good for the top of your feet, too.
Yes, I am down with the toe-hair shaving (and...um...also a little bit on the top of my foot) (which, yuck). And I would like to cast my vote firmly in favor of "Poop, Drool, Screaming, Puke, & Gymboree" as your new tagline.
I'm in the middle of a rather hellish period and started a blog a few weeks ago, just to get the thoughts down. After about six entries, I was already tired of talking about it.
I can understand the appeal of blogging for stress release and other therapeutic reasons, but am awed by those who can do it for entertainment value.
I don't know if I will explain this correctly, but as a reader of a few blogs (of people I don't know, but nonetheless admire), my favorite entries are either entirely spontaneous or really well thought out and well written (but not forced).
Yeah, I'm all kinds of helpful today. PANCETTA!
And I, for one, concur on the assessment of Y's lovely rack. Just wanted to get her a friendly mention in the comment section.
You totally had me until the dryer lint. I'm slightly disgusted, but also intrigued in an almost unholy way. I can't stop looking at it. I want to make a shrine out of it or something.
That was a spectacular post!! Love the kitchen sponge story.
The dryer lint is definitely Satan, but with a bit of Jay Leno's chin.
Candle Salad? From the description, that is not what I would call it.
Glad you are feeling better.:-)
You're killing me here.
Regarding the hair on the big toe? I do and yes, I do, but usually only in the summer!
Big toe hair? Yes.
Rest of the toes hair? Yes.
Top of the feet hair? Yes.
Troll feet? Yes.
Do I shave them? Hell. Yes.
I have hairs on my big toe, and I shave them. Every time I shave my legs I shave my toes too! When I recently admitted this to my husband he was quite horrified? You shave? Your toes? I be we're not the only ones.
I have haaaaairy toes. It's funny because my scalp, which is the only place where I really want a lot of hair, has been on strike since the day I was born. All my other hair follicles? They are zealous little workers who would never dream of picketing.
The best part is that I was a swimmer for ten years, and every season through high school, for sectionals, I would shave every part of my body that my swimsuit and swim cap didn't cover. You know what that means? That means whispy blonde toe hair becomes thicker brown toe hair becomes heavy-gauge black toe hair. I'm a freaking hobbit.
You sound better already, you smooth-toed thing, you!
Two yes's on the big toe question here too. And, the tops of my feet.
Y's boobs are what happiness looks like.
I braid my toe hair, and I'd be happy to braid yours, Amy. Maybe it could be a new blog header?
Well, sure... now that you have insulted my beloved CRUNCHBERRIES, I'm outta here... sorry, there are certain transgressions one simply cannot get past. Insulting my favorite breakfast cereals is one of them. Next thing I know, you'll be saying bad stuff about Fruity Pebbles and then I might have to fly up there and give you a piece of my mind (probably won't happen - I don't have much left to spare these days).
Glad you're feeling better. I'll *try* to overlook the crunchberries debacle.
If you could find a way to the see the Virgin Mary in your dryer lint, you could probably make some money off of it and not need to come up with as many blogging ideas. (But if you see the Virgin Mary in your toe hair, no-one will want to know.)
Amalah,
You are SO FUNNY!!! (I too posses pinky madness)
Anyhow, YES on the big toe and the rest of the toes as well. Shave it all off.
You keep on posting and we'll keep on reading. Dont ever let know one make you think otherwise, because without you, Amalah, the end of the world is here.
How is Noah and his cold? Hugs and Kisses
A true fan
Gabby from Cali
Yes and yes to the toe thing. And evvvery once in awhile, while swiping away with the razor without my glasses on, I nick a toe. That hurts. But I'd rather do that than have the hair. Ick. ;-)
I'm just relieved to know I'm not the only one with this problem.
I love you.
OMG. What Dad Gone Mad said about my boobs. I think I need to have that permentantly inscribed on them.
Now, I do not have hairy boobs, BUT, every once in a while, I"ll wake up to find ONE, BIG, THICK, BLACK hair on my boob. After I finish dry heaving, I'll get the tweezers and pluck that bitch. It happens once every few months. Where does that hair come from? And why did it grow on my boob? What does it all mean? I have to know. Has that ever happened to you? Or to anyone else who actually reads this?
DUDE.
I shave my big toe as well. We are soulmates! Let's collect dryer lint together and become BFF. :D