Would You Like to Hear All About My Dog's Bladder Functions?
Gymboree Took My Stapler

I should not be allowed out of the house without adult supervision.

EVER.

Also maybe a helmet.

I wish I could tell you that this:

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...was further evidence that I am simply some poor hapless guppy caught up in the powerful circular flush of the universe, but the boring truth is I simply make very bad decisions regarding shopping carts.

There was a brief moment, right as the bag ripped and sent my groceries spilling out across the sidewalk, right as I caught the eyes of the woman who saw what happened and then BOLTED into the nearest Pier One, right as I dove for the back of Noah's shirt to prevent him from dashing out into traffic, when I honestly thought that if I just waited there a few minutes, SOMEONE would pop out with a hidden camera and some release forms, and I was deeply comforted by the thought of not signing those release forms and suing the shit out of them instead.

No hidden cameras. Just the amused look on the face of the guy spinning a big promotional cardboard arrow a few feet away, which: Yes. His life has probably not really gone the way he planned it either, but maybe snickering at strangers in desperate need of just the tiniest bit of assistance has something to do with that fact, you know?

Oh, who am I kidding. Karma seems to be spending a lot of time in the tub these days.

(Also, do I really need to interject a mention that yesterday was Gymboree day?)

The good news is that I drove! My car! I got there in 10 minutes!

Of course, I was also about 10 minutes late. Because...well. Yes. Of course I was.

Since I was late, I decided to just snag the first parking spot out on the street instead of dealing with the adjacent parking garage. Please stick one of those little sticky Post-It flags right here for future reference.

Gymboree was...Gymboree. Our babies must have flunked last week's class because we were "learning about loud and quiet sounds!" for the second week in a row. Which meant activities like, "climbing up a ramp and then rolling different-sized balls back down the ramp!" Which may sound similar to past activities like, "climbing up a ramp and then rolling different-sized balls back down the ramp!" But it's actually totally different, because this time we were listening to the SOUNDS the balls make instead of their COLORS or SIZE or DOWNWARD-ROLLING QUALITIES. 

Regardless, none of the kids ever want to roll balls down the ramp because that would require taking them out of their mouths, so the grown-ups roll the balls instead and are rewarded with some polite applause from the 22-year-old teacher.

The good news is I totally scored a phone number and email address from one of the other moms. TOTALLY. SCORED.

Amy: (waving paper) Look! Look what I got! She wants to have a playdate!

Jason: So have you emailed her yet?

Amy: (horrified) Oh my God, no! I don't want to seem desperate or anything. 

Anyway, while on this total Queen of the Stay-At-Home Mom With a Working Automobile Universe high, I decided to stop at a nearby grocery store for some milk. And hummus. And yogurt. And crackers, since other than hummus and yogurt, Noah will only ingest food in cracker form.  (Oh, and the yogurt must be mixed with milk in a sippy cup and the hummus must be dumped directly on his tray for maximum mess potential, because SPOONS ARE EVIL. Go near his face with a spoon and he'll twist around and scream and then do a faceplant directly into his hummus.)

I ended up with two very full bags of groceries (mostly consisting of stuff Noah has already thrown on the floor because it is NOT A CRACKER).  Then the check-out clerk offered Noah a balloon. And I gritted my teeth and said stupid shit like, "SAY THANK YOU NOAH! WHAT A NICE BALLOON!" while secretly thinking, "God, what the fucking fuck am I supposed to do with a damned balloon?"

I tied the balloon to the handle of one of the bags, just out of Noah's reach so he couldn't chew on it and pop it and blow out his retinas or something. (I feel the same way about balloons as I do about free crayons at restaurants -- thanks, really, but you've just now put me the awkward position of preventing bowel obstructions or looking ungrateful, so I generally color a little myself before banishing the crayons to the other side of the table. MY GOD, I am so weird.)

And then I...oh hell, this is so embarassing...took complete leave of my senses and opted to abandon my shopping cart directly outside of the store, since you know, I was parked down the street instead of in the parking garage. (Which was five feet away.)

I knew I couldn't take the cart outside of the shopping center, and this is where my thought processes stopped dead: Don't Break The Shopping Cart Rules, Go To Your Inevitable Doom Instead.

This meant I needed to wrangle the following items:

1) an exhausted toddler who would not relinquish control of his empty sippy cup.

2) an overpacked diaper bag, because you know, what if someone invited me for lunch somewhere and I had to decline because I didn't pack enough crackers? Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it won't, some people actually find me kind of charming you know, GOD.

3) two paper bags of groceries, only one of which was double-bagged because the goddamned hippies have taken over the food industry.

4) a balloon. Argh.

Through the following obstacles:

1) an elevator back to the street level of the World's Weirdest Shopping Center (seriously, the Gymboree is like, UNDERGROUND, BELOW SEA LEVEL, and there's this weird subterranean courtyard thing and I'm sorry, I'm making this whole operation sound incredibly sketchy, like I'm taking Noah to some knock-off JIMBOREE in the hood or something).

2) a walk to the main street spanning the length of one Halloween Superstore and one Healthy Back store (which was having a sale, by the way, according to the big spinning cardboard arrow guy).

3) approximately seven steps up from "street level" to "actual street level."

4) a walk to my actual car spanning the length of about three or four other storefronts, including Pier One, alongside a major road with very fast-moving traffic.

I made it to the elevator when the first bag handle broke. It was the handle I tied the balloon to, and I had this frantic moment of panic as I lunged for the balloon -- THE BALLOON I DID NOT WANT -- before it flew away.

At this point, my shopping cart was less than 10 feet away. The grocery store AND EXTRA BAGS THAT I'M SURE THEY WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME were 12 feet away.

I got in the elevator instead. That's when I smacked my forehead and realized that I see people bring their shopping carts in the elevator all the damn time.

That is also when the other handle broke.

Back at street level, I retied the balloon to a different bag handle, wrapped the diaper bag around my torso, hoisted the broken bag up on my hip, grabbed the other bag by the handles and...stared after my toddler, who was running off in the opposite direction, like: I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING.

May I remind you: At this point, my shopping cart was one elevator ride and 10 feet away. The grocery store AND EXTRA BAGS THAT I'M SURE THEY WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME were one elevator ride and 12 feet away.

Noah's sippy cup? Hurled 15 feet away. The boy has an ARM.

I kept walking towards the car, pleading with Noah to follow me before more bag handles gave out.

(Number of months before issuing a complete retraction of every mocking word I've ever said about toddler leashes: 13, on the nose)

We got to the steps and bumped into someone else's empty shopping cart. I would have smacked myself again but by now my aching, burning arms had completely locked up at the elbows.

Out on the wilds of the sidewalk, I tried to do some fancy jockeying: put ripped back of groceries down, pick up Noah and other bag, dash to the car, drop groceries on ground, dash back to other bag before...I don't know...roving bands of teenagers stole my yogurt and frozen chicken taquitos?

Problem was that I was still carrying Noah when I dashed back to the handle-less bag, which required two arms to pick up.

I tried using one arm anyway.

And...this is about where you came in, with the snickering cardboard arrow guy and the woman with some sort of dire rattan furniture emergency.

I left the groceries lying there and put Noah in his carseat, then BOLTED back to collect everything while keeping a frantic eye on my car because I AM NOT ENDING UP ON THE NEWS for letting my baby get carjacked because I refused to leave my chicken taquitos behind.

(Bonus Extra Laugh For Local Readers: I swear to God, this is BETHESDA I'm talking about, not Anacostia.)

I shoved everything (including the balloon, which was now tied to a lone bagless bag handle) into the car and took a few deep breaths.

That's when I saw a woman breezily pushing her shopping cart down the sidewalk to her car, which was parked behind mine. And I remembered about the...ramp. On the other side of elevator. The one I'd used every week before with Noah's stroller.

The Invisible Shopping Cart Enforcement Police were nowhere in sight, and I wondered if it was time to maybe consider getting a CAT scan or something.

I drove home and fried up a couple taquitos. They were gross so I ate a box of cheese crackers instead.

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The balloon lasted about 12 hours, and was disposed off after I caught the dog trying to ingest the string.

The end, oh my fucking lands.

Comments

starrynite

OMG, sounds crazy. But highly amusing...I hate when your brain just refuses to actually think logically and acknowledge things like helpful ramps.

Glad you got the car back though, mine is being a nightmare right now....grrr.

kentucky_kitty

I'm almost as exhausted as you are after reading about this morning's adventure!

(((hugs)))

Carrisa

God you make me laugh woman.

emery jp

My life in a nutshell. hehe.

Flo

Ah yes, so now you've encountered the Law of Shopping with a Toddler-everything that can go wrong, will. Shopping with a toddler (or in my case, a toddler and a preschooler) is a pretty much the same thing as going to the gym-you will work AT LEAST as hard, and you will definitely sweat as much. So now at least you don't have to worry about going to the gym anymore.

Meg

I think a deep breath and a bottly of Cab is in need.

Seriously? Bethesda? I used to LIVE THERE and I STILL can't picture it!!!

((((hugs))))

pgh girl

Amy you're awesome :)

hrhejc

I knew as soon as you said elevator you were at the TJ's in Bethesda. That one has the weirdest setup to get in and out of... Sorry the taquitos were bad - try the Frozen Fettucini Alfredo - it is awesome.

missbanshee

Psst, Amalah! You got the same lesson in Gymboree two weeks in a row cause the teacher was too lazy/forgot/got drunk and didn't prepare the week's lesson plan. Not that I ever did that when I taught it. Ever. Hee.

zorgon

But you got the Trader Joe's pappadums chips intact, so you have to score it as a win, albeit an ugly win.

Carli Jaye

So I was having an interesting morning...Sad, half hung over, and NOT HAPPY to be at work. Then I read your post. I check for new ones, LIKE, of I don't know, 85.6 times a day....And now I am happy because, well, you just make me FLIPPIN CRY with laughter. THANK YOU!

Zeynep

And yet you saved everything, including the balloon. I'm impressed.

(And thanks for the laughs.)

Jenny

Oh My Lord. I do love me some Trader Joes, but damn, it is difficult to shop there. What with the tiny aisles and tiny carts and tiny parking lots and the GIGANTIC Buicks driven by the old people, and the trying to park in the tiny parking lot, in the one space left which is empty only because it has two or three tiny carts sitting in it blocking the way. It is very tiring.
The good news is that guy with the spinning sign probably knocked himself in the jaw with it trying a new trick, you just didn't see it happen. Just because we don't always see it come around doesn't mean karma doesn't actually happen!

Annemie

...and THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm moving out of NYC when my son is still 11 months old and safely in a stroller. Try playing that game all the way back to your apartment on FOOT!

Y from the Internet

Mmmmmmmmm Hummus.

cursingmama

oh my -
I'd love to give you some pep talk about learning from mistakes, and it gets easier,but thats all a bunch of lies. You're never faced with the exact same situation twice and it doesn't get easier, as your mistakes mount they seem less important individually becuase there are So Many Of Them.
Maybe next week in Gymboree you can roll the balls UP the ramp ;)

steen

There's NOTHING WRONG with face-planting hummus, okay?

Me

I think I need to mail you my invention (look, you have 2 kids only 2.5 yrs apart, both "independent" ie rebellious from birth, and see how creative you get!)

Know the cloth shopping bags that the REAL hippies use (as opposed to the takes-a-1000-yrs-to-biodegrade-plastic or kill-10-trees-paper)? Sew those bad boys together (up to 4), buy canvas strapping (like the kind on backpacks), and sew that to it.

It makes you somewhat resemble a lopsided camel once you've put it on, with various bulging canvas pockets protruding from both hips, your butt, and occasionally your belly, but DANG-A-LANGIN it works. Arms completely free- weight evenly distributed, and people avoid you like the plague because you just might also resemble the pigeon lady in Home Alone 2-Lost in NY.

But very very very efficient and earth conscious and yada yada if you have a hike to the car, and children attached.

Oh, and nice black balloon. Appropriately somber for this depressing adventure!

Maxine Dangerous

Trader Joe's sells the best guacamole ever. I'm envisioning the joy of one spoon-fearing toddler as he bastes himself in green muck ... to his mother's complete horror, of course. :)

Tammy

OHMIGOD! I was reading and thinking "she really shouldn't try to shop in DC with a toddler." LOL. Bethesda? I'll be sure to remember that and not try to shop with my daughter when I head that way!

Julianna

Oh, thank God, you're back.

Do you just want a recipe for hummus? like real, Middle Eastern hummus? Because then you could just whip it up at home, and at least save that part of the trip (but still need to go anywayto get the stuff and OMG I can see this probably won't work at all. But still, I have it if you want it. Well, actually I don't, but my husband does because me? Cook? pshaw.)

I am so a nasty balloon-possesor at my job (and a candy-giver) but I always ask the parents if they WANT it, even if their child is screaming for it. I am not out to unecessarily balloon or candy up your kid. And I ask in such a way that it implies you really DON'T want this thing, right? So you would be totally safe to say "No."

Janel

Oh Amy, it happens to the best of us! Now I'm off to my happy place before the bad memories overtake me. (Crawling into a fetal position on the floor is generally frowned upon at my work-place.)

Meg

Whenever I eat taquitos from anywhere, they're gross. They sound good, look good, but always gross.

Mieke

OMG! I laughed for like 10 minutes after reading this! Another day in the life of Amy and
Noah and gymboree. Sooo funny! I'm glad you both made it out alive, and with all of your groceries. I am so glad no crazy taquito stealing guys came along, especially the sign flipping guy. They can be crazy. :)

lindsayc

noah will all of the sudden want the spoon, and that is when you are truly hooped. there is nothing quite as difficult as removing tried, crusty oatmeal from a toddlers head...

Kelly

Well I am glad that I am not the only one who had a crazy day yesterday. So you don't feel alone, I'll share my crazy day with you. I was having a pregnancy craving for chili yesterday and ran out to grab some chili right before a big meeting at work. On the way back from the restaurant, I was smiling, and completely looking forward to indulging in my big bowl of chili. As I'm walking up the steps to my office, I trip on the stairs. My natural instinct is to protect the baby by putting the bag containing my chili in front of my stomach. Well, of course, I fall face first onto the bag containing my chili. And, what do you you - chili goes flying everywhere - all over my coat, my face, and even in my hair. Also, I ripped my pants and got chili all over a new pair of shoes. Worst of all, my chili lunch was ruined. I manage to get back to work looking like a crazy woman, proceed to clean myself up, and prepare for the meeting. I was okay until someone asked what smelled at the meeting. I lost it and cried my eyes out telling everybody that I smelled of chili.

Oh, what a day!! Glad its over! Things can obly get better, right?

Elleana

I know it's bad to laugh at other's misfortunes... but I still couldn't help laughing hysterically when I read this!

And I have to ask... how did you manage to get everything unloaded and into your condo?

VirginiaGal

Trader Joe's just arrived in my area of South-East Virginia, but I'll be damned if I drive 45 minutes one-way to get to it. Stupid interstate clogging military base traffic.

Why is it that the male teenage cashiers at the grocery store must put as much will fit in one bag regardless of weight(double bagged or not)? I'm sure I get the what a bitch customer award for the number of times I have had to ask them to consider the weight of said bag. The girls don't do this. But I do live in a semi-rural area so we have lots of beautiful flat parking lots on which to push/pull/drag grocery carts full of bags.

I'd suggest you move down to this area but I fear you would go into withdrawal from all the lovely stores (like Sephora) found in the DC area.

Teeny

It only takes one moment of madness for everything to go tits-up and then you're screwed. I admire your grim determination in the face of such adversity! And you saved the balloon!

mysweets

My oldest is almost 10 and I can't tell you the painful memories you've resurfaced with your balloon woes. Seriously! It hurts, God please make it stop!!!!

I love your stuff. Love it. Read you every single day and if there's not a new entry, I read your most recent entry - again.

Love it!

Mary

I feel terrible for laughing at this.. But it was great.

Glad to see you are back. I cried a little when I read your last comment on your last post.

:)

Frema

If it makes you feel any better, I went to lunch with a coworker today for the first time and tripped over my own heel on the way to his car.

Here's to a better day!

jes

Good God, woman. Reading this site is like constant birth control.

And also constant don't-leave-the-house control.

anne nahm

What up with the hipsters in the general area of Trader Joe's? Half the time they are hitting on me Mrs. Robinson style, half they are just making my life a bitch-fest.

http://annenahm.com/?p=116

Mmmm... Love the hummus, but tending to be really irritated with the snerks surrounding toddlers. Don't they understand having a toddler is punishment enough?

Jennifer

Reading your entries like this makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER. I really thought it was only me that would go to the grocery store and end up having a freaking disaster ensue. Except I don't have a baby in the equation, and I would have also forgotten my dry cleaning, or my wallet, or both, in the store. Or locked my keys in the car. Or gotten to the checkout with my 984542 items and realized I'd forgotten my wallet.

Oh, they've all happened.

(I hate Bethesda. I think they make it confusing like that on purpose, to keep the vagabonds like us away)

Tere

Yeah, what the hell is it with the spoons at this age? Max screeches in sheer terror (or rage, it could be rage) at the sight of them.

Also, the toddler leash - subject of much disdain and scorn for parents who use them in my neck of the woods - is now the #1 item on my wishlist. I've actually got a post about this lined up for next week.

Patchie

Can I give a teeny piece of advice? Those canvas shopping bags they sell at Trader Joe's for 2 bucks a pop? I know they reek of hippiedom but... So. Totally. Worth It. They never break (obviously), and can be hoisted over a shoudler, for the handles, lo, they are just long enough. I am 35 weeks pregnant and able to carry four canvas shopping bags full out to my car, while wrangling two kids. They're worth it. Just an idear for next time. In the meantime, I totally feel your pain about the broken bags and the balloon issue.

Me

OHG- POOP POOP POOP

This is the cutest poop song I've ever seen/heard- little K-Fed babies...

http://www.ladyskylar.com/swffiles/madeapoop.swf

Amy

Well, at least you get points for shopping at Trader Joe's. Love that place!

Stay in for the rest of the day.

Amy :)

Amalah

Jennifer - AW FUCK I FORGOT THE DRYCLEANING.

Dammit. I really was supposed to pick ut up after Gymboree.

Can someone come over to my house and hold my hand while I go do that? Frankly, I'm frightened.

jonniker

Like Y, I could not really move beyond the deliciousness of the hummus-cracker thinking.

Except the carjacking line was so goddamn funny, it ripped me right out of my Three Sheiks reverie.

bluepaintred

there we have it folks. the exact reason i force hubster to shop with me. this woul dbe the reason i refuse to shop alone. two hands, three kids. nope it doesnt even work when you have two hands and one kids, as we have seen today. this should go into some kind of parenting book for people. it could be called "warning, do not try this activity alone" LOL

Lawyerish

A rattan furniture emergency.

Made my day.

KJ

OK, so seriously, that kind of shit happens to me all the time. Just me. No kids. No ballons.

Kids give you excuses!

Kristy

When did we start calling Noah a toddler?? I would've laughed had I not been able to get over the fact that Noah is just walking around willy-nilly like its no big deal!

Like: "So what Bitches; I walk all the time."

Abby

I so know that awkward feeling you get when people offer your kid something. I'm pregnant again so when I go to the doctor.. I, of course, tote my 1 year old along with me. A few weeks ago, I didn't know how to say no to the lollipop..so he got one and proceeded to get all sorts of sticky gross. A few days ago, they offered him another lollipop and I just about screamed "NO!!" and then had to apologize for the way it came out because holy geeze, I'm not a bitch or anything..I'd just rather avoid another sticky mess.
I get that they're just trying to be nice..but if I wanted my kid to have lollipops..he'd have them already.

bon

...and my husband can't understand why I wait till there is nothing but Ramen and mustard left in the house before I will go shopping!

Kyla

*gigantic sigh of relief that radio silence has been lifted*

This was one of those "Thank God someone's life sucked more than mine today" posts...it also made me laugh. :)

I think Jason should have to do the shopping because some people *cough* Amy *cough* can't seem to "handle" it...no pun intended...okay, a little pun intended, I probably gave it away with the quotation marks. :)

CourtneyJo

OH I'm so glad you are back! After reading the last comment I was nervous you might be done (please don't leeeeeeave me!) Great story, hits far to close to home for many of us I am sure.

Sadie

And I was totally sure that when you got back to the car you would have a parking ticket. So, you've got THAT going for you!

Johanna

Totally hysterical... and I don't feel bad laughing because I've been there! If the sign says to leave the shopping cart, I will leave the shopping cart. Running back and forth while eyeing the car where children are waiting for DCFS to come find them... DONE THAT!

Any news on the house selling stuff? Or should I just keep my mouth shut?

Kanigget

Maybe that guy was stuck spinning a promotional arrow because he laughs at people during inappropriate times? I like to think that is what happens to somebody who does that. Although I'm really not any better for laughing all through this entry am I?

Rachel

I've noticed that ever since TJ changed their bags I've had a huge problem with handle breakage. Never happened with the old ones. Should we write letters of complaint or something?

Silly Hily

What you said to Jason about why you haven't e-mailed the woman yet? Priceless. And we never understood why guys didn't call the next day.

Jessica

And you say your life isn't exciting! Sounds to me like you need a glass of wine with those crackers.
ps. If I didn't let my daughter eat the crayons we get at restaurants how else would she sit still long enough for me to eat anything? ;-)

Sarah

2 weeks ago this post would have been followed with delicious pictures of Noah's hummus-covered face.
How times have changed. Damn mean peope ruin for all of us.

ambrosia

Sometimes I think to myself 'God, she has got to be making this shit up', yet I'm pretty sure you're not.

You make me laugh a little but I also want to cry for you. I can not imagine what that entire incident was like for you, despite your excellent way of describing every step of your way.

Heather B.

Dude, that Trader Joe's sucks. It doesn't even have wine or beer. WTF?

Jonathon

I love that you'll do anything for a balloon...

...and the fallen hummus.

Marmite Breath

This is weird. I spent Christmas 2002 in Bethesda, at the NNMC, and when you were describing the area, I just KNEW that's where you were talking about! Weird! I had never been anywhere that had elevators for grocery stores before! I actually liked Bethesda. I have a mix CD that I made when I got back from there, so now every time I hear certain cheesy songs, I think of that Christmas and how we drove around Bethesda looking for somewhere to eat on Christmas Day. Thank God for Bennigans!

Also, the way I feel in situations like that is, "Why won't somebody frikkin' frakkin' help me!?" and then if they do, I'm like, "OMG! They want to steal my baby!"

Nancy

I'm glad I'm not the only one that wonders what the hell I'm gonna do with the damn free balloon. I always hope my girls won't notice and/or ask for them.

Gotta run. I've got a rattan furniture emergency. (hee!)

Daily Tragedies

Oh yes, the TJs in Bethesda. I've had that same "Do Not Take The Shopping Cart" experience -- sans toddler -- and had to figure out exactly how many bags of groceries I could haul to my ground-level parking spot before everything ended up on the ground. Answer: not enough.

Laurie

I am exhausted just reading that. Glad you survived.

Sarah Marie

Your post sounded like one of my stress dreams, where everything goes wrong while trying to accomplish a simple task. But much funnier. Faceplant, heh! Inevitable Doom, heh heh!

Jem

I agree - I'm exhausted after reading that! I don't have a kid, so I can hardly say I know the feeling, but I do remember catching a bus into Auckland City with 2 suitcases and a bag, and trying to go to Dennys, walking up two flights of stairs, then realising they have an elevator. Then catching a local bus home and trekking the rest of the way. Oh, and that time I was in Canada with 2 suitcases and 7 bags 'cause SOMEONE OVERPACKED.

Mandy

I had this frantic moment of panic as I lunged for the ballon -- THE BALLOON I DID NOT WANT -- before it flew away.

I can totally picture it. Amalah, you complete me.

Amber

Trader Joe's is notorious for shoving more crap in their bags than is physically possible. Once i was walking across the parking lot in the Vienna store and 3 bottles of 2 buck chuck fell through the bags and shattered on the pavement.

Double bagging my ass.

mandy

Imagine 2 kiddies with you. What makes us think we can leave the house anyway?

earlyduckie

Laughing my butt off here. You know of course that if you had taken a cart the invisible cart police would have found you... A mom can never win. Thanks for making me smile :)

Starbuck

I love your life.

Also, I would have handled the whole thing the exact same way.

Serenity

I hope I don't come across sounding like spinning cardboard arrow guy because I'm certainly not pointing and laughing at you....

When I've had a rough day and come to read your site and see you have also had a rough day...I somehow feel better. Not because I enjoy that you've had a rough day but because it makes me feel so less alone.

Thanks for sharing your rough times. They help at least one person laugh about her own.

DeannaBanana

Please do not ever let Noah have another balloon, for all the paranoid reasons you worry about, okay? In turn, I will carry your groceries for you. Deal?

Superfantastic

I would have done the same thing though because I would have been sure that if I took the cart out to the street I would immediately be arrested for attempted cart theft. You'll have to let me know what the neurologist tells you.

Carla

Quick note about the toddler leashes. Have you ever seen a person with a giant dog walking down the street and the dog takes off after a cat and the person is jerked airborne and then is dragged behind the dog with their face in the sidewalk?

I saw that exact thing happen with a Mom and a two year old at Party Pig. It was hilarious.

Dad Gone Mad

What is the proper pronunciation of "hummus" in Bethesda?

Is it "hummiss"? Or perhaps "who-miss"?

I prefer the more melodic, Mediterranean version: WHO-MOOSE!

(For bonus points, you can put a Jewish throat-clear at the beginning, like you would with "Chutzpah.")

whoorl

We bought this gigantic cool bag from Container Store to put all of our Trader Joe's groceries into instead of using their flimsy ones.

We like to act like we're out to save the enviroment, but in reality, we just want to win the $50 raffle for bringing our own bag.

lee-lee

See this is why I read you make me laugh and I can see myself having the same luck. Thank you for living life with humor!!

Kelly

I almost forgot what shopping with a toddler was like. That's for the reminder and confirming my decision to stop at 2!

Also, congrats on the phone number score! That's exactly how I met my best friend! Good luck...

MK

I am so sorry! Days like that are the worst and I could feel your pain reading that!!!! The day could even been better if Noah had thrown up you or something in the process! Be thankful taht didn;t happen! hehe! hugs again!

ps... just for your information- the arrow huy- his job is called Human Directional Advertising!..lol... The things you learn form MTV shows!

Dana

I think we have the same neurosis. It's a sign of genius, I'm convinced. I love you.

Don't feel bad. Once after leaving the Super Wal-Mart (that right there says it ALL) I dropped a gallon of milk in the parking lot; it soaked the toddler and five-year-old who bolted in front of an SUV and then as they were all screaming I screamed back "MY GAWD! DO YOU WANT TO GET BEAT?!" To which the oldest screamed back "NO! I DO NOT WANT TO GET BEAT!" I also think some people thought about calling DFS after that, but I evil-eyed them and they ran away.

Feeling your pain ...

Jessie

I feel like I should apologize for all the laughing I'm doing over here, but instead I'm going to say thank you because I really eeded that laugh. Also, I didn't think my day could have been worse, but now I know for sure it could have been. So really. Thank you. And I'm sorry. (Ha!)

Erika

God, I have to laugh-- but that sounds like the biggest nightmare ever! Have a few glasses of wine and then maybe you can laugh about it too :)

Nothing But Bonfires

At least it was a Trader Joe's. I would have been PISSED if it was just a Stop & Shop or a Safeway.

emily

Yikes! Quite a day you had. Those Trader Joe's balloons are for the birds, anyway. Blame it all on the balloon, which put additional strain on the bag handle.

When Ben was about 6 months old I gave in and bought a leash for Claire. I just couldn't always handle an infant and a 2 year old, and whatever else was going on. The good thing is that it is cute, and looks like a little teddy bear backpack with a very long tail/leash. And she likes to wear it, and even asks me to put it on her when she's in the house. Hooray for Target.

Janna

. . .oh. . .my. . .god. Roving band of teenagers. I literally startled a co-worker with my weird snort/laugh outburst. And dude, I know a teenager. They definitely rove.

This was some funny stuff. Thank you for forgiving us masses and writing, writing, writing.

(And by "us" I mean not really us. I mean them.)

Laura

I knew exactly where you were as soon as I started reading...I went to that same Trader Joe's last week and EVERY SINGLE shopping bag I left with (and I had SIX OF THEM) BROKE upon being lifted out of my car. Thankfully there were no toddlers involved. Try their frozen roasted vegetable pizza...ridiculous (and I just came from 2Amy's so you know I know good pizza).

Cheryl

Okay, I just have to say, I was a victim of the toddler leash, and my mom can attest that it saved my life more than once. Plus, I turned out okay, I think. But I do look pretty pathetic in the pictures.

Janna

Oh yeah, and another thing. . .this story reminded me of a time when I ran into the grocery store for one quick item, so I didn't bother getting a cart or basket.

Well, then I noticed that dog food was on sale for something ridiculously cheap ("20 Cans for a Nickel!"). And 2-liters of soda. And cereal. So my arms were loaded and packets of food were slipping out of my elbows.

A man came along to help me pick it all up, but it was one of those weird "pick-one-up-then-one-falls-out" type thing. I sheepishly said, "Y'know, they should invent something that I could roll around the store that I could put stuff in...ha ha." He helpfully responded, "They have carts in the front of the store."

Duh. I KNOW.

Then he gets in line behind me at check out. I turned to him for a foolish second chance at humor: "You think they have something that will hold all this so I can take it home? Maybe with handles?"

Oddly, he did not laugh. At all. Akward moment.

Cara

Living in the land of Disney and a million other attractions that attract the tourists like flies - I always feel sorrier for the toddlers fighting to get their hand free or squirm down than the ones running free but safely secured to Mom or Dad. And we won't even talk about the ones that find illicit freedom by actually managing to get their hand free...

FishyGirl

Oh, Amy, I feel your pain, in oh so many ways. So I give you the new complicated equation for shopping here in the fish pond:

1 girl, 1 boy 22 months younger, 1 girl 2.5 years younger than boy + grocery store + pregnant mom =

PEAPOD or SITTER (I insisted on some type of help during the week when I agreed to have the 4th kid, due any damn second now; so now I get 8 hours a week in my house helpwise, and if I feel like going shopping I try to do it then)

Peapod even schleps the heavy stuff up the stairs for you. We freaked the poor guy out last month when we bought 8 cases of bottled water as part of our grocery run. So I tipped him well.

Anyway, just a little bit of assvice from someone who's been there, more times than she wants to admit.

Ivie

Toddler leashes are awesome - I got them when my kids were 2 1/2 and 5 and I was flying from LA to Germany where my hubby was waiting.

Balloons on the other hand...balloons are evil.

Jenny

All I can say is... YOU ARE BACK...HOORAY,HOORAY!! We have missed you so!!!

And on that note,dude,try shopping with TWO of them. Yeah, it requires a big ass bottle of wine by the time you are done!! Usually by then you do not even care,because hello,you are DRINKING the said wine!!

Damn crappy grocery bags!!! I must confess to buying the "eco-friendly" bags from Kroger...which would work out really well if I could ever remember TO REMOVE THEM FROM THE DAMN TRUNK!! Every freakin' time!!

I feel your pain!!!

megan

Oh Amy, I heart you.

Heather

When I worked as a cashier, we'd give kids balloons, but always check with the parents first. Just in case the crazy ones (jk) weren't okay with it.
Sounds like you had an inescapably flustering day! I wish you much better tomorrow.

Alyndabear

Sounds like you're raising a high profile baseballer there, with that arm. Hee.

Izzy

Haaaa! I'm just the opposite. I DON'T bring the diaper bag and of course...we always need it. One day I will regale you with the story of our trip to Sam's Club WITH a diaper bag that was missing both diapers AND wipes. It will make you feel vastly superior.

Maria

So happy to see you back.

You tell the story so well that I laughed, sympathetically.

Face down in the hummus reminded me of when the little brother in A CHRISTMAS STORY was eathing his mashed potatoes.

Becka

"then do a faceplant directly into his hummus".

Easily the funniest thing I have read all week, thanks for the much needed laugh Amy!

Silver

Heh, I'm here for the first time and you already got me hooked. Hopeing for more amusing reads in the future :)

Krista

I feel your pain. I am a new mom to a very active 28 month old AND new to the MD/VA/DC area to boot! Elevators in Target? No shopping carts out of the store? Oookay?! This area is not the most mom and kid friendly.

Of course when I have these sorts of "adventures" they are never as funny as when you tell about yours!

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