For Some Reason, I Blame the Internet
Just Lose It


But first, an aside.* You people CRACK MY ASS UP.  Over 220 comments about toilet paper, with the vast majority of you copping to major "over" OCD and a tendency to flip (AND FOLD) other people's rolls. Seriously, I had NO idea there was a "right" way to hang toilet paper. NO IDEA. It's like that time I read how when you make the bed, any pattern on your flat sheet is actually supposed to face the mattress, so you can "see" the pattern when you fold the covers back or something, and I just couldn't wrap my mind around that AT ALL, and still to this day make the bed wrong ON PURPOSE because I am a REBEL. I don't need your RULES, man. Our toilet paper hangs free and easy and in WHICHEVER DIRECTION IT CHOOSES.

And God help me, Flippy McOverNuts, I'll set up a webcam in there if I have to.

*Can it be an aside if I haven't actually said anything yet?

ANYWAY. The five of you who read the Quaalude Blog over at ClubMom already know my super-fun-exciting news from yesterday. As do the rest of you, I suppose, if you read the title of this post.

Yes, it's true. After many months of being, essentially, a friendless pathetic shut-in who was regularly scared off the neighborhood playground by insular groups of Spanish-speaking nannies, I finally got myself invited to a playdate.


Noah, clearly quite distressed about being forced to share his oxygen with another child.


Delicious chaos.

I was so damn jazzed about this damn playdate that it was all I could do to like, not show up with flowers and a big heart-shaped box of chocolate. Instead, I choose to show up 1) late, 2) bearing the World's Crankiest Baby Who Was Suddenly Ultra-Aware of His Personal Space, and 3) a baggie of not-very-gummable crackers that I absent-mindedly fed to a baby who is not mine and only has two teeth.


Julie (who will henceforth be referred to as "Bunny" because she came up with that nickname after a Corona or two and I AM HOLDING HER TO IT) and her son Max (Baby X, whom I have full permission to exploit here on this website, despite not offering a single cent of ad revenue, HA HA SUCKAHS) were both very gracious hosts, providing hummus and pita chips and community sippy cups and the most demented plastic farm animals I have ever seen, Jesus Christ, they had RED EYES and a GOAT SATAN and at least I'm not the only mother who thinks pretty much everything brown and plastic is a rogue piece of escaped poop.

There was one case of Suspected Biting, but was later determined to be nothing more than Confirmed Drama Queening.

We listened to top 40 radio instead of Noggin and were both highly alarmed by some of the songs getting the dance remix treatment (James Blunt? Wot?).

There was a LOT OF FARTING.


It was the phone company. We're jackasses. But now we are jackasses TOGETHER.

Bunny: So you work from home? What do you do?

Amy: So I And another blog. And...then two more blogs and I'm kind of a huge dork and...

Bunny: Are you going to tell the Internet about how I spilled my beer just now?

Amy: No! I mean. Yes. Probably. I'm just so thrilled that I didn't spill anything. *weeps*


You know it's been a good playdate when nobody is wearing pants by the end.

On Monday we are going shopping. If I can manage to stay cool and collected and not set anyting on fire? I do believe I might actually have a new friend.

*claps hand over mouth, goes all bug-eyed with internalized squee-ing*

*counts to 10*

*punches self in face*




Congrats on your new friend. You two sound like you had a smashing time! :)


So was there hair braiding?


Congrats Amy!! SOunds like you and Noah had a blast!!!!


I am so with you on the squeeing. i love the beginning part of a friendship where you are all nervous and aren't sure if you'll be seen as overbearing and stalkerish. Pretty soon you'll be following each other into the bathroom and not bothering to blame farts on the dog.

or is it just that my friends and I are just gross and no one else's friendship is overly familiar like that? Oh, whoops.

Zow Zow

I am SO excited for you and your new forays into the world of play-dates.

You must keep us posted. Will she call you? Or will you feel too desperate if you call her?

The two boys together are adorible!


First, another aside*. Did you know there is a proper way to fold towels? It's true. I try to teach my husband, but he just won't learn.

A Plllaaaayyyyyddaaaattteee... Good gracious girl, you've needed it.


Hallelujah for you!

But crap, am I the only one panicking that now Amy has a IRL friend and she won't care about us anymore? OMG- what if she stops posting on here because all she does is sit around and drink and have real adventures instead of ones on teh internet...

oh crap oh crap oh crap

I mean, congrats on yours and Noah's new friends! I'm so happy for you (picture a big fake side hug and air kisses, ok?)


I forgot my asterisk.

*It's totally okay to have an aside before you've actually said anything.


I love your description of how women spend time together... there's not a single time I spend with my girlfriends (with or without kids) that I am not in fear of having a "potty" accident from laughing so hard my ribs hurt.
CONGRATS... I wish you a long and happy friendship.


Since I am unable to make friends either and live vicariously through others' blogs, I now feel I have a new friend too. Thank you.


I'm so happy for you! Bunny and Baby X sound like some awesome new friends. Have fun.


Yay for new friends! Love the cute pics of the boys playing.


"You know it's been a good playdate when nobody is wearing pants by the end."

Well, good dates in general end that way...


Max is awesome. Doesn't he look like a 90210-star in training, with his casual glance and arm thrown rakishly over the armrest?


This was so sweet. I'm happy for both you and Noah. I don't think there is a reader out there, though, Amy, who wouldn't want to be your friend.


"Dat goat has devil eyes!"


Sheesh...guess I am a super-ultra friendless pathetic shut-in (okay...maybe not a shut-in) because my son is ALMOST 4 and we have yet to be invited to a 'playdate.'

Course it doesn't help that in those 4 years we have lived in 5 states.

*whimper* I am so pathetic.


If I was closer I would totally offer to come over and smother both babies with kisses while you and your new friend go shopping. But, alas, the commute would be a bit too long as I'm in Minnesota. Damn.


Sounds like a great afternoon, despite the drama-queening and farting. (Which kind of made me laugh because I am, apparently, a 12-year-old who thinks farts are funny.)

Anne Glamore

Even boys start the drama queen shit EARLY. And it DOESN'T STOP!


Ooooh, I want to have playdates with cocktails!

Um, is it absolutely mandatory to have a kid? I could always borrow one of my nieces. How does Noah feel about older women? I know a cute 2-year-old in Pennsylvania that would love to share hummus with him. Please, please let us join in the fun! We would gladly drive 5 hours to come visit!

ps - that doesn't sound desperate, does it?

anne nahm

Oh, I am so glad you had a good time! That first yearish before play-dates can get pretty lonely. I mean WTF, everyone you used to know doesn't also have a tiny dictator at home. Then you find the land of dictators and their mommy slaves.

It's so funny you are talking about those creepy toys. A little while ago after a two drink bender (because, ha! Am mommy now. Sigh) I posted some of the creepy-ass toys my children have gotten over the years:

I mean, who gives a kid a stuffed puppy that is also a purse? And I won't even get started on the clowns except to say, straight off of Satan's playground.

Anyway, glad you had a good time!


I, too, measure the success of a soiree by how many clothing items were shed.

That's beautiful. Good for you!


Wait. So . . . uh . . . NO one was wearing pants by the end? No one? No one at all?



Congratulations on the playdate! I have a 21-month-old (aka "The Emperor"). There just aren't any little kids around, and we live in a tee-tiny town, so there aren't many options. The Emperor does have a stay-at-home dad, though, so I guess it's not all bad.

He's still more of a "shut-in" than I'd like, though. We're going to try to remedy that.

Sniff, sniff...If only we had Gymboree here! Hell, I'd settle for a park! A clean drainage ditch! ANYTHING!

Okay, I'm going to go have a martini now.


*another aside - there is also a proper way of folding a fitted sheet and all forms of towels (kitchen variety are folded differently then the bath variety)

I love successful playdates and all things in life should be measured by the amount of clothing left on at the end of it.


You said " nobody was wearing pants" does that included you and the "bunny" ?hehehe

Sounds like a really fun day and playdates where the mommies have just as much fun (or more) ROCK!


it's after reading posts like this that i think you are the funniest freaking blogger on the interweb. seriously.


Great post - ultra funny. Hoorah for new friends that drink and have babies! Hoorah for Noah's new friend!


*had* a friend. because now she knows you don't roll your toilet paper the right way AND are all wrong in the bed making department. oh well. fun while it lasted.

Miss W

Sounds like fun -- I'm still attempting to make those friends that do not annoy me with children who I do not think are dirty and disease-ridden (and to stop the one I think that of from showing up at my place all the damn time!). My little man and I have a potential playdate in the works for next week with a mom from the NICU and another mom we both met at Gymboree. Hoping it goes as well as your playdate went -- my hair could use some braiding!

Maxine Dangerous

Can I just say that the mere thought of sleeping under an upside-down sheet makes my ass twitch? (Okay, I might be more Type A than I realized.) That said, I tend to wake up in the morning under just my comforter with the flat sheet on the floor next to the bed. Perhaps Martha Stewart's spirit comes to visit me at night and rips the sheet out from between me and the comforter because I have, *gasp*, not situated said sheet pattern-down.

I don't have a baby, so can I go on a play date with my cats? Really? Why not? I like beer.


That sounds like a great time! Congrats on the friend finding... and those two look SO cute together :)


Yay to new friends!

Man, Noah and Max are gonna be ladykillers in about 3 years. Just wait. And have a wiffle bat handy.

Karen Rani

Pantless playdate and further child exploitation? ROCK THE FUCK ON.

Y from the internet

I'm jealous, but only because of all the farting.

Why can't I hang out with people who aren't afraid to just let it rip?

It's quite possible that you meant farting FROM THE BABIES, in that case, totally not jealous.


I'm so rebellious I skip the flat sheet altogether.


Love the chair pic. I Have no friends that live near me. Did a playdate once for my stepson. THAT was uncomfortable. It's so hard to find crazy writers to hang out with ... Have a *dink* for me...


Ha! When my mom was teaching me how to make a bed, she used to tell me that the pretty side goes next to the pretty girl. So whenever I make a bed, I always recite that in my head and flip the sheet over.

Oh, and I always have the toilet paper come up from underneath. I would probably freak right out if someone flipped it.

Congrats on the play date.

Amy H.

I'm pumping in the mother's room at work right now. And the thing is, it isn't really appropriate to let out a big laugh while doing that. The mothers in the other stalls usually frown upon that because they don't know what kind of perv thing you are doing in there that is so funny. I think I have to officially avoid reading your blog while I pump before I start getting dirty looks from the other gals.

wiffle ball funny!


Ok, first of all...I can SO relate to being a friendless loser. My husband made me move TWO HOURS away from my friends and family! Something about "school" and "job". Whatever. Soap Operas and Internet were my only friends for like...oh...4 friggin' years. Now I have one friend and I cling to her for dear life and stalk her religiously.
Secondly...the bed thing. I heard about that from Martha Stewart. I was completely discombobulated by the craziness of it all. But if Martha says must be TRUE...because she is MARTHA FREAKING STEWART for crying out loud! I tried it once, and I decided that I just couldn't deal with having a bed that looked like it was inside out. But if Martha ever shows up for tea and crumpets....I am so remaking my bed! Just in case she decides to check for dust bunnies or wants to critque the color scheme of my 15 thread-count sheets from a Bed-in-a-Bag bought on clearance (and not from Kmart).


It sounds like you won't need to stay cool and collected. I think you have a new friend even if you DO spaz out. She sounds cool.


First of all, who on earth folds fitted sheets? I bundle them into a big ball and hide them right at the back of the linen cupboard, behind the towels. Then when I run out of towels I know it's time to change the sheets. Yeah? No? I'm sending that idea to Lifehackers.

Congrats on the playdate -- it's so great to have another mother to vent with and also maybe fart and probably drink. I've been friends with a group of mothers whose kids are exactly the same age as my wee boy and we've been meeting up weekly or more for almost four years and despite the fact that our husbands have never met, we regularly go out for long, hilarious dinners and confess all our darkest thoughts and then braid each others' hair. It's great. You'll LOVE it.


OMG, too funny! Noah and Max are SO cute, cute, CUTE!!

Oh, and BTW, I agree: There is only ONE correct way to fold a towel. You fold it in half long-ways, end-to-end, then fold it in half again the same way. Then fold it in thirds.


Thank you, Jules. You're absolutely right.

(About folding the towel.)


SQUEEE!!!! I was literally sitting here smiling like a crazy person reading your post. I am so happy you both had a good time... Can't wait to hear about the next adventure :)


Did you at least trip over the satanic goat? Otherwise I will be worried about you. Thanks for bringing back the pics.


I've tried posting at least three times and I'm somehow incapable today... Let's see if THIS one works.

Previous post was:
So glad Noah is back on the internet! I missed him!


I'm JEALOUS!!! Playdate? A good playdate?!? She lets you call her Bunny?!? And you drink alcohol together?!? Is there a sign up sheet for this type of friendship? Because I want IN!

Kris H.

SQUEE!! I am so excited for you...and glad to see you decided to go with the alcohol ;-)

I hope the two of you have many more successful playdates in the future...oh and the boys too.


You bit her??? Maybe you shouldn't have had that last Corona...
Anyways. Congrats on playdating a new friend!!!


Playdates and BEER! PRICELESS


Very funny. I figured the knock at the door was the pizza you forgot you ordered (with all the drinking and stuff).

Is Bunny here now, reading? (Hi Bunny!)

Coupla cutie pies!

Wicked Stepmom

YAY! you for your very 1st playdate (b/c ya know, it's really about you making friends! Noah's got his whole life to do it.). Finding other Moms to be stoppid with is awesome.

(And HAHA! on exploiting someone ELSE'S kid.)


Yay for playdates! Cute pictures too! Glad you guys had a fun time.


You know, for people who don't stay at home it can still be difficult to meet people and make quality friendships....I can't even imagine how much harder it is for chicas like you who aren't surrounded by as many people as you used to be.

So don't feel like a dork for squealing with excitement when you do make a new, great friend:

They are rare, gems and worth every moment of it. It's fabulous to have a social life and get out to experience new things and ways of thinking...and just NOT be alone so squeal to your heart's content and stop punching yourself in the face.

You're completely normal.


Hmmm...that sounded dangerously close like assvice.

I'm so sorry. I'll go punch myself in the face now.


Yay! I'm so excited it went well.


Now if I can only get myself a date.

Silly Hily

Go you and your friend making bad ass self. And you got a second date! Cha-ching.
That whole toilet paper thing killed me. I'm with you. Could care less. I just put the damn roll on the holder thing because my husband refuses to. And the sheets? I just can't sleep with sheets on the bed the wrong way. And by wrong way I mean the printed side up against my skin.


"You know it's been a good playdate when nobody is wearing pants by the end."

Yeah, that's actually how Pookie decided he wanted to marry me.

I'm so glad you and Noah each have a new friend! And she sounds almost as goofy as you, so this should make for some great stories.


Aw so glad you had fun! Bunny sounds like an absolute doll!

Julie T.

At least you and Bunny both kept your pants on!!! Glad to hear you had a good time!


YES!!! Someone else who was told you had to put that sheet on upside down!! WHY WHY WHY? I proudly and defiantly make my bed wrong and take special delight in making up the guest bed "wrong" for when my parents visit!


Oh Amy, I totally want to have a playdate w/ you and Noah. I have a 20 month old. And I don't live far, I was just in your neighborhood today actually. (I'm assuming I know where your neighborhood is). You seem to have the most fun playdates. My playdates never inclue liquor.


"You know it's been a good playdate when nobody is wearing pants by the end."

Can I get this on a t-shirt, size medium please?


a first playdate with BEER! LUCKY


You totally have to let me know the secret to scoring friends. I'm a Marylander too, where are all the playdates hiding? I only spill beer occasionally...

Jenny H.

I am so jealous!! Fun,pantless babies,Corona-you have ALL the fun!!

Good for you,I know it can be hard to find Mom friends. I kinda lucked out in that my best friend "accidently" got pregnant with her fifth child while I was around five months along. So now my oldest has a "bestest friend" of his own!!

There is nothing better than having your best girlfriend to just be yourself-farting and all!!

May you have many more to come!!


HaaaaHaaaa. That was so funny. I wish my first playdate went like that. I think I had an anxiety attack. And there was white carpet. Don't need to say anything else, right? GRAPE JUICE! Woops, I did. :)

Black Belt Mama

Cool! Now find me one!


I can't seem to find a gentle medium between moms using wooden spoons as their consequence of choice and moms co-sleeping until kindergarden. Cheers to you.


I KNOW! It's so fun! I'm back to THAT point again, though. My oldest is 10. All of our friend's kids are in the same age bracket. Our 4 year old doesn't have regular play dates like our oldest did. Nobody went and had babies at the ripe old age of 25 like we did with our second. Noooo. They wanted to get it over with by their late teens/early 20's. Or something. I'll shut up now. Except to say that playdates and other grown ups are so much fun. Sigh.


Alcohol during playdates. Genius.


Excellent on the bonding!! My friend and I just spent the entire day making a 3-tiered cake for a 50th anniversary party -- complete with white chocolate 50's painted in edible gold. Tomorrow we are going to Seattle to spend our hard-earned $$ at Sephora. And also chocolate martini's. I will think of you!


I have been reading you for about two years now. I am a believer in the TP being over. And I like Led Zeppelin. I believe you could use more comments like this, as I really like what you have to say. And, I like shoes and bags. And wine. Especially Oregon wines. Because there's lots of that where I live. Oregon. It rocks. And, um, I willingly drive 30 miles for a Pumpkin Spice Latte. I think you're nice. Keep up the good work, Amy.


you're so brave! Go you - bring on the coffee mornings, the tupperware parties -then move hosue!


Hurrah! for new friends.

Suburban Turmoil

I love it! And it's so funny that she has no idea that you're like, this Internet superstar who ate oysters next to a Supreme Court Justice (that's how I explain your fame to my husband- "You know that blogger who got to judge oysters with a Supreme Court Justice?" THAT kind of measure of fame he can comprehend!)

Congrats on your playdate! Mom friends can be wonderful. :)



Congrats on the new mom friend...aren't they fab? I found one too not so long ago, and it's almost illegal how much fun we have.

And, I agree about the end to a pantless playdate.



Everyone already remarked on the genius of the "playdates and pants" part of it, so I'll just say this.

Those are two really cute children. That last picture was really amazing -- you can completely see what they are going to look like as teenagers.

Congrats on making a new friend. It is funny how similar starting a friendship is with starting a romantic relationship. Same nerves and awkwardness and inexplicable moments of bonding.


I don't think I posted but I wanna join in! - I actually do have severe OCD as an aside, but I also turn the toilet paper the right way around. AND my Mum told me that thing about the bed sheets, so I do that too. I also walk through doorways 156 times though so I am sort of crazy.


The making of beds is the single thing that I can remember my mother setting aside time to specifically teach me growing up, hospital corners and upside down flat sheets included. I had no idea that not everyone did this until my roommate freshman year of college hesitantly pointed out that i had 'accidently' flipped my sheet. She - no joke - thought that I had made my bed in a drunken stupor the night before.

p.s. congrats on the playdate!

Mrs. Flinger

Dude! (Is it very nineties of me to start a comment with Dude?) You have to FEED your guests? Maybe that's why *we* are friendless and have no playdates.



Ohhhhhhh! So a playdate is to make friends with other MOMS? I figured it was just about the kids and declined them. OOPS! Now where were those potential friends anyway? Oh, with other friendly moms in the "playdate" know. I guess I'll have to head over to a Southern Living party like a big friendless dorkwad afterall.


so so happy for you... you've officially entered the new friend honeymooning period. let us know when it starts to get old... and generally, if you've only got one good friend (a la me.)... that can happen fairly quickly.


These are some hella cute baby boys!


Amy, I live in Maryland and would sooo be your friend named "Bunny" except you would have to come out of the city cause the city *scares me*!

Heather B.

How lame is it that I'm sitting here thinking about how much fun Noah, Max and I could have together? I mean we could build TWO of those bucket towers and then knock them over. And TWO people to chase around the house. And of course I'd be all "YOU like string cheese? I like string cheese too!".

Clearly, I need to get a life.


Sorry. Unable to read the bottom part of this post at all. Still stuck on the sheet thing.

You are a liar.

Sheets go upside down? In bizarro world maybe.

Say hi to bizarro superman for me, nutjob.


Hooray for playdates! I think every social event is perfect without pants. Just sayin'.


How is it that the Internet's most popular Mommy says she has no friends? There are 91 posts ahead of this one that belong to gals that would probably love to hang out with you. You are a funny one, you know it.
BTW - I'm in the DC area... you should get together a par-tay of all the Moms that read your blog(s) and we can all buy you drinks and fawn all over you, and then you can call us all friends.
And I LOVE the idea of cocktails and playdates. I have my glass of wine every night at 5 when I feed my boy (who is the same age as Noah)... does that count as drinking alone, or as social drinking? Should I call over another Mom and make it a playdate to make it ok? ha ha.


Yaaaaaay! A PLAYDATE!


And you had beer. Awesomer!

Jenny H.

I am not sure if that "southern living party" was sarcasm or not. I actually sell it,laugh if you must. It is really awesome stuff!!

Does that make me dorky?


Noah looks SO MUCH like you!


Yeah for Bunny!


I second Kristjana's comment...please have a par-tay for all of us non-bloggers who didn't get to go to Blogher! Please, please, please (said in a total non-stalkerish way).

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