December 15, 2006
Dear People Who Will Be Living In My House As Of Monday, Oh My Fuck:
Here are some helpful tips re: Your New Condo And You.
1) Birds really like the dryer vent. You will occasionally need to lean out the bathroom window and jab a broom handle in there to remove the nests, and seriously, stay all up on top of that because the minute you forget about it you'll hear the little chirpy sounds of baby birds and will be forced to choose between dry clothes or bird homicide.
1a) When leaning out the bathroom window, do not drop the broom. The tree directly below has really prickly leaves that will scratch you all to hell.
1b) Also, try not to fall out the window yourself. That would probably be pretty bad.
2) Please observe a strict one-person maximum capacity in the kitchen. Two people are not only a fire hazard, but the second-leading cause of home-ownership-related divorce. (IKEA being number one.)
2a) And seriously, when one of you is cooking? And the other thinks that he'll try to help by cleaning up along the way instead of waiting until after dinner and doing it all at once? Please remind him that you are NOT FUCKING DONE WITH THE MEASURING SPOONS SO STOP PUTTING THEM IN THE DISHWASHER, MOTHER OF GOD.
3) The pantry cabinet door opens in the wrong direction, so you have to actually exit the kitchen to access the shelves, plus the dishwasher whacks the door if you leave it open. It is best to simply make your peace with this now, and be grateful that you were not the nine-month-pregnant pregnant lady who first discovered it and was by that point so fat she couldn't even exit the kitchen with the door open but this did not stop her from constantly opening the door, realizing she couldn't access the shelves, trying to walk around the open door, bumping the door shut with her massive belly and then having to reopen it again, and I know this doesn't sound like a big deal but you would not believe how fucking irritated she got with that fucking door.
3a) Also the sink was stopped up the day she came home from the hospital after giving birth. It's fixed now, and she hopes you appreciate everything she went through for your stupid kitchen.
3a) Her baby weighed 9 pounds, 15 ounces. She would just like you to know this.
4) When walking in and out of the walk-in closet upstairs, don't even bother to duck under the ultra-low doorway. It's futile. Just whack your head everytime and attempt to build up a callous.
4a) If you put on high heels while inside the closet, try to remember that you are taller than when you went in.
5) There is only one bathroom, thus it is advisable that you work out a contingency plan in the event you both get food poisoning or some other violent stomach ailment. Agree in advance that you will never discuss or think too hard about how the kitchen sink may come into play in that equation.
5a) Yeah, you gotta jiggle that handle a little bit. Sorry.
6) Your shower temperature choices are either "flesh-curdling hot" or "goosefleshy cold." Remember: cold showers supress evil carnal urges and are the proper choice for God-fearing folk.
8) There are four elderly ladies in the building, all of whom suffer from severe QVC addiction. There will be literally dozens of packages in the foyer on any given day, and it is advised that you not think too hard about where in the Sam. H. Motherfuckinghell. they are storing all this crap in their tiny condos because it is kind of creepy.
8a) It is also advised that you sort through the packages first since they will totally steal stuff addressed to you.
8b) The fifth neighbor in the building hasn't met you, but already totally hates you.
9) See that street right there? Outside your windows? With the people and the cars? THEY CAN SEE IN AT NIGHT WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE ON.
9a) This problem is easily solved, however, by the having of a baby, which pretty much kills all desires to like, have drunken sex on the stairs or whatever. In the interim please see disclose #6.
10) Please take care of this little place, and be happy here, and please excuse the current owner for crying when she hands you the keys.