Dog Makhani
Suburban Perfectfit

Disclosures

Dear People Who Will Be Living In My House As Of Monday, Oh My Fuck:

Here are some helpful tips re: Your New Condo And You.

Img_6547 1) Birds really like the dryer vent. You will occasionally need to lean out the bathroom window and jab a broom handle in there to remove the nests, and seriously, stay all up on top of that because the minute you forget about it you'll hear the little chirpy sounds of baby birds and will be forced to choose between dry clothes or bird homicide.

    1a) When leaning out the bathroom window, do not drop the broom. The tree directly below has really prickly leaves that will scratch you all to hell.

    1b) Also, try not to fall out the window yourself. That would probably be pretty bad.

2) Please observe a strict one-person maximum capacity in the kitchen. Two people are not only a fire hazard, but the second-leading cause of home-ownership-related divorce. (IKEA being number one.)

     2a) And seriously, when one of you is cooking? And the other thinks that he'll try to help by cleaning up along the way instead of waiting until after dinner and doing it all at once? Please remind him that you are NOT FUCKING DONE WITH THE MEASURING SPOONS SO STOP PUTTING THEM IN THE DISHWASHER, MOTHER OF GOD.

Img_6546 3) The pantry cabinet door opens in the wrong direction, so you have to actually exit the kitchen to access the shelves, plus the dishwasher whacks the door if you leave it open. It is best to simply make your peace with this now, and be grateful that you were not the nine-month-pregnant pregnant lady who first discovered it and was by that point so fat she couldn't even exit the kitchen with the door open but this did not stop her from constantly opening the door, realizing she couldn't access the shelves, trying to walk around the open door, bumping the door shut with her massive belly and then having to reopen it again, and I know this doesn't sound like a big deal but you would not believe how fucking irritated she got with that fucking door.

    3a) Also the sink was stopped up the day she came home from the hospital after giving birth. It's fixed now, and she hopes you appreciate everything she went through for your stupid kitchen.

    3a) Her baby weighed 9 pounds, 15 ounces. She would just like you to know this.

4) When walking in and out of the walk-in closet upstairs, don't even bother to duck under the ultra-low doorway. It's futile. Just whack your head everytime and attempt to build up a callous.

    4a) If you put on high heels while inside the closet, try to remember that you are taller than when you went in.

5)  There is only one bathroom, thus it is advisable that you work out a contingency plan in the event you both get food poisoning or some other violent stomach ailment. Agree in advance that you will never discuss or think too hard about how the kitchen sink may come into play in that equation.

    5a) Yeah, you gotta jiggle that handle a little bit. Sorry.

6) Your shower temperature choices are either "flesh-curdling hot" or "goosefleshy cold." Remember: cold showers supress evil carnal urges and are the proper choice for God-fearing folk.

Img_6548 7) Lofty cathedral ceilings are a motherfucker to dust, and birds like to crap on skylights. Have fun, suckahs.

8) There are four elderly ladies in the building, all of whom suffer from severe QVC addiction. There will be literally dozens of packages in the foyer on any given day, and it is advised that you not think too hard about where in the Sam. H. Motherfuckinghell. they are storing all this crap in their tiny condos because it is kind of creepy.

    8a) It is also advised that you sort through the packages first since they will totally steal stuff addressed to you.

    8b) The fifth neighbor in the building hasn't met you, but already totally hates you.

9) See that street right there? Outside your windows? With the people and the cars? THEY CAN SEE IN AT NIGHT WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE ON. 

    9a)  This problem is easily solved, however, by the having of a baby, which pretty much kills all desires to like, have drunken sex on the stairs or whatever. In the interim please see disclose #6.

10) Please take care of this little place, and be happy here, and please excuse the current owner for crying when she hands you the keys.

Comments

Linda

This is a pretty cool list. If I were the new owner, which I'm not, I would totally want to have it.

Don't cry too much. You're off to bigger adventures in home ownership. I promise they will absorb all of the emotion and time currently being used by sadness at leaving the cool condo.

BabsieD

I wish someone had provided a list like that to me. It would have started with "I'm sure that you totally think that this house is palatial coming from the tiny crappy ghetto house you just moved from. You are wrong. You will discover this as soon as you realize that we staged the house to look like it had lots of room when in reality Nicole Richie and one her little teeny weeny weight loss pills would be very, very cramped in your new kitchen."

KateE

Heh heh. And as it turns out cold showers may help your new condo dwellers live there a good long time.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/04/24/living.well/

Tory

If I ever murder my husband? This right here will be why:

"2a) And seriously, when one of you is cooking? And the other thinks that he'll try to help by cleaning up along the way instead of waiting until after dinner and doing it all at once? Please remind him that you are NOT FUCKING DONE WITH THE MEASURING SPOONS SO STOP PUTTING THEM IN THE DISHWASHER, MOTHER OF GOD."

RebeccaB

My shower will change temperatures from scalding to goosepimply every two minutes, I have to do a mexican hat dance in my shower every morning, oh and the water pressure is that of a slight trickle.
So excited that you are moving, because next month that will be me! No more trickle shower!

Jessie

That's a great list. Aren't you pretty glad those aren't your problem any more? And! You have more than one bathroom now, so the kitchen sink never has to come in to play, and I think I would be thanking the heavens for that one.

emery jo

The thing about the closet?
The callouses and the high heels?

I'm DYING of laughing.

Maniacal

Oh. My. God. My husband does that thing with the cleaning up while I'm cooking and it DRIVES ME FUCKING INSANE!!

I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Jessica

Isn't it amazing how the most annoying things are the ones we end up missing the most?
Have fun discovering the annoying things in the new house!

emily

Very funny - as usual. How is Ceiba's head smelling today? Good luck with the move!

Cheek

I'm just impressed that there's someone out there who actually dusts her ceiling.

Jenn

They're going to paint over your gorgeous orange walls, aren't they? Bastards.

Ellen

So, where's the list that your new house's former owners gave you? What do you mean they didn't give you one?!

Me

Awwwwww, that's so sweet and sentimental and preshus.

And scary, because we're moving, and now I'm paranoid of why the home owners kept snickering when I opened various doors and such.

Just.Great.

Heather B.

The front door is sometimes hard to close all the way. So they might have to slam it a bit.

Victoria

Wait...are you saying that husbands actually try to help you clean up? You are so totally making that up right?

I love your list. I can see that you will both miss the memories you created in your condo and how you can't wait to create new memories in your new townhouse.

Hope the move goes well. Noah will have a blast exploring the new place.

Sarah

You dust your ceilings? I'm way outta my league.

erika

So funny! I love the line about the closet and the high heels, too.

g-man

Holy crap you are the incarnation of my wife in the kitchen! I get yelled at in out "one butt" kitchen all the time. Just remember we are just tying to help, so lay off.

starrynite

This was HILARIOUS! Seriously, you should move more often.

No, don't hit me....please....

One of the Amy's

Oh, Holy Hell. We're never happy are we? WE're gonna move next year and while I am so fucking happy to get out of this house, I don't want to leave, made my daughter in this house...brought her home from the hospital to this house....maybe I'll just stay here a little longer.

Brianna

haha. love it.

Lesia

I stumbled upon your blog today, it being my last day of work, and first day as a non-college student (yipeee) and have proceeded to try and read every entry you have written. and I have to say: I have been thoroughly entertained, amused and laughing out loud all day long. so thank you for making my first day as a real person hysterical. :)

ps. your son=cutest. thing. ever

Katie Kat

Can't... breathe...... HA HA HA!!! You made my day.

Oh, and as for 2a? I'M the one who'd get murdered cuz I'm the cleaner-upper one!

quinn

Man, I wish we'd been given a list like that when we moved into our current place.

So... Who ended up cleaning off the skylight before the place went on the market? And how?

Becca

Hee hee... drunken stairs sex. I wish I had stairs.

Don't be sad, think about all the closets and the two sinks in the new place!

Muirnait

Aw, your number ten is so sweet. I think this place has been a wonderful part of your lives, but I'm happy that you're movin' on up to something a bit bigger! You will build new memories of Noah growing and getting even cuter (impossible thought, I know) and you will be ever so happy (because I am sending you all the best wishes I have within me!!!)

Stacy

Holy Crapola ... I just laughed so loud reading that I think the office downstairs heard me!
Perhaps I should NOT have had that glass of wine at lunch today.

jes

Number 2a? I thought I was the only one with this issue. My husband! HE DOES THE SAME THING. Oh, Gah. I can't stand it. And we fight over it ALL THE TIME.

(all the time = whenever i am cooking)

Something about his mother teaching him to clean as you go, blah blah blah.

And then I remind him I'm not his mother.

And while he's glad about that, fine, but stop with the cleaning as I go.

That said, you should totally leave this note on pretty stationery for the new owners.

Fraulein N

Aw. This is a great list. Best of luck in your house!

Starbuck

First of all, that was so FUNNY!!!

Second of all -- Best run on sentence. EVER!!

Happy moving. It makes me sad that you may not have internet before Christmas. In the event of such a tragedy, I will jump the gun and say it now -- I sincerely wish you all a most Merry of Christmases and the Happiest New Year evah!!

Maxine Dangerous

Hee hee ... "taller than you were when you went in" ... ah, good times. In the head injury sense, of course.

Good luck with your move!

Shala

Awwww good luck with the move! There are plenty of new memories to be made!

Kanigget

I'm pretty sure that was the best list I have read in my entire life. Are you going attach it to the fridge when you leave so the new owners can see it? Because that would be awesome!

Jem

Aww. You better hand that list over with the keys!

Much love!

Stephanie

I only wish my landlords/previous tenant had provided me this list:

1. Your refrigerator is broken. Your landlords will try to fix it for three months before breaking down and buying you a new one. Don't bother buying milk or juice or anything that belongs in a fridge and might literally explode open all on its own. Yes, this means you must eat things that only need to be stored in cabinets. Which brings me to...

2. The kitchen cabinets are both too high and too small to be of any practical use. (Okay, so I should have been able to see that myself, but still.) Should you attempt to use them, they stick shut like someone superglued them and you'll nearly fall on your butt everytime you try to pry them open.

3. It gets f*cking hot in the summer. Have fun in the 100 degree weather... hahahaf*ckyou! (It's not a good time to have a broken fridge, I'll tell you that.)

4. It gets f*cking cold in the winter AND you have no access to whatever device controls the heat in your apartment... hahahaf*ckyouagain!

5. Leaves and bugs of all sizes crawl through that giant gap under your front door. Water also floods through it quite easily. There's a drain under the welcome mat your landlords put down... you should clear that once in a while (now that you've been informed it's there after the fact). It prevents the flooding.

6. The bathroom door opens the wrong way, and given the fact that the bathroom is about 2.5 square feet, it is very, very difficult to maneuver your way to the shower. You'll stub your toe daily. Also, said bathroom door doesn't shut unless you both lift and push at the same time... and there's no lock.

picklesugly

Too bad the pregnant Mr. Pickles can't redo the house for the new owners seeing as how she likes to make fun of people and their houses. www.mamatried.typepad.com That hag has some nerve making fun of you.

Emily

IKEA: Definitely bent on world domination, one marriage and one bathmat at a time.

You watch out for those mid mannered Sweeds. No one will be laughing at me and my domination theories when wer're all bloody socialists with universal health care! You'll all be sorry!

JustLinda

That might be the funniest shit I've read in a long time... build up a callous. LOL

Girl, I really need to come by this way more often. I've been so stressed and there is nothing like a good laugh to help with that...

Mom101

I think you were wise not to post these things before closing the sale. Happy move!

Alyndabear

Aww Amy... SO many lovely memories - but you'll soon make more in your new place. :)

Tirzah

It'll be ok Amy...a new place and new memories. You'll miss it, but it's what you needed and just think of the extra bathrooms!!!!! P.S. I'd totally cry too if it were me.

Mindy

Long time lurker, compelled to comment. (I know it’s a sentence fragment. Please don’t correct me.) The kitchen thing? You are talking to me! I put a scary statue over the doorway of my kitchen. I call it the “stay the hell out of my kitchen” god. My family knows that they need to stay out when I’m in there because there is NO ROOM FOR ONE MORE PERSON! DON'T HELP ME!

Julianna

You'll be OK. Remember there is another person who will hand you keys, and you will watch them fight with themselves-- wishing they could keep this place and their new one at the same time.

earlyduckie

Cleaner-upper here... Drives my hubby crazy but I HATE to have dirty dishes sitting around... I am in therapy and slowly getting better.

Kyla

Speaking of people seeing you from the street....one time, in HS? I was upstairs in my bathroom showering, and Josh (the Husband, but not at the time of course) was in my backyard he said "Hey flash me!" and I did. And the back of our house faced a mojor street. Anytime we go through that old neighborhood, he says "Heh. If someone stuck their boobs out that window I could totally see it from this street. How does that make ya feel?" I should have written the new owners a nice note about that...you're much more thoughtful than I am. ;)

bluepaintred

I got a bit confused with a couple big words, can you help me out here?

Dust ceilings and Husband helping

I am so lost right now!

NS

Amy that was adorable. Too too funny and sweet.

Maria

Very funny, but sweet at the same time.

Please don't forget to pack the decal Max your MIL painted.

Good luck with your move.

kel.

You so need your own reality show.

kathy

OMG. I am the one who puts the stuff away before he is done cooking. I won't do it anymore. I promise.

Wacky Mommy

We've got the measuring spoons problem here, too. And the cups. "But you were done with them!" No, I wasn't. Happy move to you.

Lady S

I would have posted sooner, but I had to change my pants. You are so funny. I hope you will write about your discoveries in your new home.

Kristie

Oh, I don't know whether to laugh with you, or cry for you. When I wasn't wiping a poignant tear from my eye at your list, I was pretty much wetting my pants with laughter.

Happy moves!

Flo-Queen of the Bad Mommies

Think about the new home! Good luck in your new place.

And seriously, what's up with the cleaning up right behind? I usually have to tell him to back the fuck off! This is also why I call him Compulsive Carl...

DebbieS

Waahhh!!! :::sniff::: Did you get a few good shots of the mural in Noah's room so you can frame a picture of it in his new digs?

Great list =)

Marilyn

Loved your list.
Good luck with your move & we'll be waiting to hear how it all went.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

hellokittn

As an occupant of #'s 2, 3, and not to forget #6 (which hasn't brought me any closer to godliness, believe me), I can completely relate with getting a little misty about abandoning what is known to be home. Good luck with your new place. May memories accrue swiftly and appear right here on this little blog you call "blome."

leah

Dry the tears and move on to the fab new digs. Sad to go, so good for the fam to move on! Driving the same boat myself! So glad someone else is getting my 2 closet, 3 BR flat, where my fridge doesn't fit into the kitchen and I get dressed in the dining room.

Chris

I had to de-lurk to comment - SO funny. And the measuring spoons? I'm going to jail some day for killing my husband over that. And for dumping out my half cup of coffee on Sunday mornings if I leave the room for 30 seconds......"Oh, I thought you were done with that." We've been married for 8 frigging years.......you'd think he'd figure out by now I'm NOT done with the it, thank you very much........

Her Ladyship

Oh, I'm with you too. I loved my dinky little Adams-Morgan condo and sobbed when I walked out of it for the last time (the dingy walls, minus my pictures, just looked so sad). Gotta think, though: upwards and onwards! Or something of that nature.

Mrs. Flinger

Is it wrong to cry at a tribute to a house? yes? I thought so. So I didn't. So you know. (sniff)

ali

So. I know you're moving in a matter of days (tomorrow?). HOWEVER. That does not excuse you from not posting for the last three days.

*whines because she misses amalah*

Good luck moving!

HN

Have a little fun at the expense of the exposed Trainwrecks clicque.

Regards,

Heaven Nose, saviours of the broken, the beaten and the damned

The comments to this entry are closed.