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November 2006
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January 2007

This one goes out to my peeps at Time Magazine

Thanks for naming me (and the millions of other jackasses out there with a camcorder and Windows Movie Maker) Person of the Year. If you aren't regretting that call already, you will be after you see this: the exisitential dilemma of pet videos on Vimeo Music: Ben Folds, Rockin' the Suburbs I gave the pets some catnip, a fuzzy mouse and a peanut butter Kong for Christmas, and then I videotaped them doing pretty much nothing for a bizarrely long time. And then I put EVERY MINUTE OF IT on the Internet. The end. Read more →

And all I really want is a *bleep* in a box

Today's my birthday. Huh. To celebrate, we're going to Gymboree. And then I'll do some laundry. Tonight I might take a bath. I know. Hold me back, for I am completely out of control. There are new posts up at ClubMom and AlphaMom. I curse vaguely in one, and refer to someone as a "jackbutt" in the other. Oh, and then I went and piled as many expletives as I could into a post about a Disney movie over at MamaPop. As for this site? Bleh. It's my birthday. Did you not read about all those fabulous plans? Here are a few Christmas photos, and now I am DONE WITH THEE. He's all, "Okay, I'll give you this one photo, but that's it." "However, this one is messed up and it's all you." A few seconds after his first M & M. "LET ME OPEN SOMETHING ALREADY OH MY GOD." "Is it socks? Please don't be socks." A disgusting, excessive amount of loot, and seriously, whenever I talked about my baby being "overstimulated" prior to Monday I had NO IDEA WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. Me shooting the sort of thrilling home video that will never, ever be watched again.... Read more →

Things I Have Used Leftover Packing Tape For This Glorious Holiday Season

1) Wrapping Christmas presents. 2) Hanging stockings. 3) Repairing busted-ass vertical blinds. 4) A tipsy and misguided attempt at creating cleavage. 5) Many malicious hours of entertainment. Merry Christmas, Internet. If you were here I'd feed you some cookies, and then I'd get drunk and stick bows on your butt. Read more →

More Paragraphs About the Move Than the Total Number of Miles We Actually Moved

Last night the doorbell rang right after dinner. (Meatloaf again. I made a lot of meatloaf. We are up to our eyeballs in meatloaf.) It was our new next-door neighbor, whom I'd met briefly on Monday while pacing the sidewalk and waiting for the movers to finally show up. I was, at that point, thoroughly convinced that they never would and were, in fact, not movers at all but simply an elaborate thieving ring who masqueraded as movers only to vanish forever with all my crappy furniture. She'd been very nice in spite of my manic state, and even offered to bring over air mattresses and a port-o-crib later in case my nightmare scenario did come to pass. Then she looked over my shoulder and pointed at the moving truck that was rounding the corner. Anyway, last night she rang the doorbell to tell us that the interior light was on inside one of our cars. *** That same car, incidentally, refused to start on Monday morning, right after I'd loaded up the pets and the baby to drop them off at their various caretakers for the day. I was running late, of course, and the car (the newer car,... Read more →

Suburban Perfectfit

Y'all, it is 8:34 in the morning and there is a goddamed meatloaf in my fridge. I made it this morning, you know, to have for dinner tonight? So I can just heat it up? And pull it out of the oven in my apron and high heels right as Jason gets home? And then we will talk about his day for awhile before I go out back and shoot myself in the goddamned head? (And then I will chase the head wound with a proper vodka martini, of course.) Okay, so maybe the morning meatloaf (dirty!) is the extent of my suburban housewifery, and it's probably just a passing novelty stemming from my LOVE and PASSIONATE PASSION for my new kitchen. Oh my lands, my new kitchen. It has more than four cabinets! I have a drawer for my measuring spoons! There's one of those flippy-down things on the sink for storing your sponges! My colander has its own space on a shelf and I can just grab the colander without having to remove the seven or eight mixing bowls stacked inside! Jesus H. Christ. Right after we moved into our city place I emailed all my friends this... Read more →


Dear People Who Will Be Living In My House As Of Monday, Oh My Fuck: Here are some helpful tips re: Your New Condo And You. 1) Birds really like the dryer vent. You will occasionally need to lean out the bathroom window and jab a broom handle in there to remove the nests, and seriously, stay all up on top of that because the minute you forget about it you'll hear the little chirpy sounds of baby birds and will be forced to choose between dry clothes or bird homicide. 1a) When leaning out the bathroom window, do not drop the broom. The tree directly below has really prickly leaves that will scratch you all to hell. 1b) Also, try not to fall out the window yourself. That would probably be pretty bad. 2) Please observe a strict one-person maximum capacity in the kitchen. Two people are not only a fire hazard, but the second-leading cause of home-ownership-related divorce. (IKEA being number one.) 2a) And seriously, when one of you is cooking? And the other thinks that he'll try to help by cleaning up along the way instead of waiting until after dinner and doing it all at once?... Read more →

Dog Makhani

On the off chance you have ever wondered what it would be like to drop an entire plate of Indian food on top of your dog... My goal is to entertain AND enlighten. So...there you go. Although if anybody can recommend a really good dog shampoo, I would appreciate it, because I have bathed this poor dog three times already and her fur is still all oily and gheeish and she smells like curry and it is MAKING ME HUNGRY. "It's tempting, but I think I'd still prefer some peanut butter crackers." Read more →

In a Word: Uhh.

So hi! Hey. Look at me! Typing words. Words that say things. Whoa. Many apologies for the lack of posting. It's just that...and then the...thing...with the place... Uhh. Okay, I have no absolutely no excuse. Well, absolutely no excuse other than skull-fucking laziness. And possibly the move on Monday.* But since I already confessed to hiring the movers to pack everything, you know I'm not frantically wrapping my dishes in newspaper and huffing the Sharpies. I'm just...making a lot of phone calls? Looking at furniture catalogs? Sitting on the couch with my feet up, watching Arrested Development reruns while a line of drool rolls down my chin? We're officially in a weird, boring sort of pre-move limbo. I don't want to go grocery shopping because I'm sure a lot of stuff in the fridge will end up getting tossed. I don't want to go Christmas shopping because we'll just have to move everything. I don't want to put all the laundry away because WHATEVER, just shove the piles in some trash bags and be done with it. I don't want to vacuum because we'll be getting the area rugs and carpet** professionally cleaned at the new house. I don't want... Read more →

Only the Author of This Website Could Turn a Head Cold Into a Three-Day Baby-Snot Crisis

We're doing much better today. And it's thanks in no small part to all the suggestions offered after yesterday's post, which (you may have noticed) I wrote shortly after losing my damn mind. THINGS Y'ALL SAID THAT WERE AWESOME: 1) SudaCare Shower Soothers. You go buy some of these now, holy god. So, so great. 2) No Dairy, You Stupid Dipshit. Yeah. That one was my bad, Noah. 2) Chicken Broth. Noah (of course) refused to take it from a spoon or a cup, but loved crackers dunked in broth, and ate many of them while I wept with joy, because now his body won't have to feed off that one last baby fat roll on his thigh. 3) Just Chill The Fuck Out And Feed The Child Donuts If That's What He'll Eat. After the success of the broth crackers, I felt less guilty feeding Noah microwaved Sweetzels Spiced Wafers. My doctor echoed pretty much everything else you guys mentioned. (I did call -- he agreed with my gut instinct that it's just a virus, but didn't blame me for questioning that instinct after 48 hours of no sleep and nerve endings dulled by OTC decongestants.) So today we... Read more →