Status Report re: Operation Best Parents Ever

In light of our renewed pledge to provide our toddler with the best and most-watchful parenting available on the market today, please allow me to document his activities over the last 48 hours or so :

1) Climbed upstairs without either of us noticing until we heard the sound of a toilet flushing repeatedly.

2) Threw Jason's wedding ring into a floor vent.

3) Ate dog kibble. Twice. Because hey! It's better than pizza and chicken fingers and spaghetti and cheese and beans and peanut butter & jelly and all the other vile things we tried to feed him.

4) Ate rice crispie treats for dinner, because hey! Rice is healthy!

5) Found that damn box cutter I've been looking for for WEEKS now.

6) Got bodyslammed by a 13-month-old on a playdate.

7) Threw the mother of all holy terror tantrums at Gymboree over a plastic maraca; please note that he got a set of maracas for Christmas that he remains wholly unimpressed by; and also that Bilingual Sign Language Genius Child's mother was nearby to give me a very sympathetic cluck of her tongue.

8) Watched Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Thought it was rad.

9) Chewed on a Netflix DVD of X3: The Last Stand. Thought it was crappy.

10) Threw a glass of red wine at the couch.

11) Sliced open his nose with his own overgrown fingernails.

12) Been vaguely sticky and definitively unbathed, meh.

13)  Given Mama kisses, given Big Hugs, shown Mama his belly, pooped on the potty, cut two more teeth, laughed up a storm, shown zero fear and delighted us to no end, because dude, where did this whole little PERSON come from and how did he get to be so freaking awesome?

(Taken before the fall down the stairs, yes. This website is enough of a testament to my non-stop parade of shame, thank you very much, so we don't need to illustrate what high-speed rug burns look like three days later.)