Things My Child Can Say, Kinda:
1) OGGIE (doggie)
2) NI NI (nite nite)
3) NO NO NO (hell to the no, woman)
Injuries My Child Sustained When I Insisted on a Little Damn Privacy to Pee, Please:
1) Wipeout on step
2) Bruised cheek
3) Black eye
Things My Child Will Eat:
2) Peanut Butter Crackers
3) Board books
Things My Child Will Not Eat:
1) Anything else
Thing I Said In Emails To People This Week:
1) Um! Hi! Can I have your address again so I can send you a sympathy card? For your dog? Also, what up, homie?
2) I swear, that kid will get into Harvard one day and her mom will take all the credit for it because she took the scenic route before dropping her off at the SATs.
3) Did I birth a green bean?
Things I Ate In My Own Home, From My Own Kitchen:
1) Pear, endive & watercress salad
2) Fig balsamic-glazed duck with pearl onion and pear hash
3) Sea bass with Moroccan salsa
4) Super quick minestrone
5) An entire block of Vermont cheddar cheese
Things I Strongly Considered Purchasing:
1) An elliptical machine
2) Bigger pants
Mean Things I Thought While At Gymboree:
1) "If she mentions baby sign language one more fucking time..."
2) "Oh my God, we get it. SHE KNOWS THE SIGN FOR DUCK."
3) "OH, AND NOW SHE'S SPEAKING SPANISH? FINE. YOU WIN MOTHERHOOD."
4) "You know what? Shut up."
Things That I Ought Not To Have Done:
1) Insisted on a little damn privacy to pee, please
2) Eaten that entire block of Vermont cheddar cheese
3) Cut my hair
5) With the kitchen scissors