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Different Year, Same Recycled Pile of Neuroses

A Letter to the Myself of One Year Ago

Dear Self of Last Year,

Oh, dumb girl. I know. It's tough.

You've made it through the first month of working full-time and it's still really, really tough.

I know you feel exhausted and overextended. You feel like a failure. The futility of pumping and the dwindling milk supply. The mistakes, the typos, the meetings you can barely stay awake for. The short temper, the sigh of relief at Noah's bedtime, and the crushing guilt over not enjoying every moment you spend with him.  I know that you dread tomorrow, because it's going to start all over again.

I know you feel like you're missing out -- that you'd give anything to rewind all those hours and see what you missed. I know you think that if you could just stay home it would all be different. That you'd never miss another moment. That you'd learn to not even blink, lest he grow up too fast.

I know the love you feel for that baby has knocked you senseless. That it's the most wonderful, marvelous thing you've ever felt and you're compelled to constantly try to put it into words. I know you're frustrated with the limits of the English language because you just can't quite hammer your writing into the proper shape. So you keep writing, and trying, and it all falls so desperately short of what you really feel. This primal, desperate love burns through your chest and tingles out through your fingertips as you furiously tap at the keyboard in vain, day after day, entry after entry.

But here's the thing...

Fuck all that, get a grip, and please blog about something useful, like where you put the motherfucking ice scraper for the car, okay? Jesus.

Love,
Self of This Year, Who Had to Use Her Arm and Some of the Dry-Cleaning to Brush Several Inches of Snow Off the Car to Get to Gymboree This Morning

PS: ALSO, WHERE THE HELL ARE MY GLOVES?

Comments

Starbuck

Man, I love this blog!!

nonsoccermom

Hee. Sorry, all I can do is laugh.

kaitkait

Maybe the ice-scraper is hanging out with the tire? Although you would have certainly seen it in that case.
And I can't believe that you did a full time job and a baby at the same time -- I can barely do just the job part without falling over. You deserve a mountain of medals.
Or a mountain of super-fancy shoes. That would be much better.

AmyC65

You are without a doubt my favorite thing on the web to read. Don't ever leave me.

Hillarie

Crap. I wish I got a snow day today to stay home with my son. Daycare was just delayed two hours but as a treat we are meeting friends at Chuck E. Cheese tonight.

How life changes. If I wrote a letter to myself last year I dont think I would realize that a year later I would be EXCITED to take my 2 1/2 year old to Chuck E. Cheese after work.

I love that you wrote about the love you feel. I have had a hard week taking him to daycare. Not sure if it is because my job isn't as great. Crying on my bed on a MOnday morning is not the greatest way to start out a week.

Anyway, hope you had fun at Gymboree!

Melody

did you find those damn gloves?

Muddy

AHhahahahahAHAHAHAHhahah!

You're poor self!

I was rooting for her, even then. She can do it!

I mostly have conversations to my future self. Like, "Future self, you can handle this credit card debt, right? Huh?? Oh, and work off this donut."

Noelle

Been there, done that, totally sympathize.

Here's a helpful tip for the future (in case you don't find the ice scraper)... if you ever need to get ice off your windshield (and don't feel like sitting in the car for 20 minutes letting the defroster do the work), credit cards work really, reeeeally well.

I'm sure it would be less effort in the long run to just buy a damn ice scraper already, but I'm lazy.

Mrs. Q.

I love it. Keeping it all in perspective.

[And a side note: shame on you. Now I am addicted to Zappos.com. I mean, ordering shoes and getting them the next morning? My husband is going to be very, very upset.]

Sadie

CD case, bitches! Use a CD case to scrape ice in a pinch (provided, of course, that you don't really care about the condition of the CD case).

And now that you stay home with Noah, are you able to reassure your Self of One Year Ago that you really haven't "missed a moment" since?

Boozie

DUDE! I can't find my scraper/brush doo-hickey, either. Thank god it was the powder snow, but also, I used up all my windshield wiper fluid on the way to work, so getting home shall be a beltway adventure.

earlyduckie

All I have is a ghetto scraper that doesn't want to stay together - isn't that fun at 6:45 in the morning. And my gloves, one has taken to playing hide and seek - I am a black-gloved Michael Jackson!

ikate

I'm right here right now (daughter born 9/23/06):
"I know you feel exhausted and overextended...The short temper, the sigh of relief at Noah's bedtime, and the crushing guilt over not enjoying every moment you spend with him. I know that you dread tomorrow, because it's going to start all over again."

However, after spending the last 5 days at home with her (work at a school - yea snow/cold days), I'm pretty sure I'm handling the working better then I'd be handling the staying at home. You SAH/WAH mom's amaze me!

Emily

I am very, very glad to live in California where it does not snow (at least in our micro climate), but my daughter? thinks snow is the most lovely thing and does not understand why we do not live in a snowy place, to which query I can now respond with the unfortunate response that I would surely lose the windshield scraper, disabling us from ever leaving the house. She might take that better than "because we just don't, just like how we don't live on a farm. get over it."

Miss Britt

P.S. Amalah of a year ago -

there is also this other little blonde blogger that if you introduce yourself to NOW, by this time next year you could be the bestest of friends and she would no longer feel all pervy for "lurking" on your blog and you would invite her to cocktail play dates and you will have inside joke comments and do guest post for each other and match your little Noah up with her little chickie and you will both be tickled pink.

PPS - get better comment modification

AmyM

Priorities Amy, priorities. Seems like you've got a pretty good handle on it.

Amy H

I have to agree with ikate. I feel the same way you did last year, Amy. I am tired, feel guilty, don't feel like I get enough time with her, etc.
But when I do have to stay home with her (ice days last month), I start to miss work. I don't know how you do it. It is so much more exhausting than actually working in the office.

ps. I love it when I go to your page and there is a new post. Its like Christmas.

Maria

The scraper is inside the TIRE. And the inflatible turtle said your gloves gave him gas.

KJ

Too, too funny!

That reminds me of when I moved back to IL from California. And I drove me, my cat and my shit across the country. At the end of February. I spent the night in Montana and woke up to a foot of snow. With no winter coat and definitely no snow brush/scraper. I picked one up at the closest truck stop, after using my arm to clear the car. (Kitty was not pleased.) It cost me $10. TEN DOLLARS!! I will pass this on to my children when I have them.

Sarah Marie

Holy crap, all of that was going on one year ago? My how far we've come. I'm with Muddy about talking to my future self.

yet another from the legions of Amys

Your gloves are with mine. I'm sure they are having a lovely time, wherever the hell they are.

And how you felt a year ago is EXACTLY how I felt a month ago. So I'm working part-time now.

joy

jeezus woman, no one can quite pull off the comic turn quite like you. you really had me suckered in there. brilliant stuff.

Her Bad Mother

You only think that it - the language, the words - fall short, but it doesn't. It reaches us.

PS I think that my cat has your gloves.

Y

P.S.

Move to California really soon so you can go out to dinner and stuff with Y.

Linda

p.p.s and try to buy a pair of gloves in DC now - everyone has their spring stuff out!

OMSH

I love that the ad that pops up from Google is:
How To Talk To Kids
Solutions to parenting problems. Parent & professional workshops

Because THAT is so relevant.

Kyla

Isn't it crazy the difference a year makes?

And also? She doesn't know where the ice scraper is...because your several-months-ago-self had it packed up and moved. I'm going to guess its at the bottom of the basement staircase with the rest of the stuff you toss down there...toddlers, laundry, boxes...you know.

Julianna

Driver's license or CC works as an icescraper.

Also? Your icescraper is in one of these two spots: 1. in the glove box in the papers and stuff. I know you looked? Try page by page. They can shape-shift. 2. under the driver's side seat turned sideways and against the wall by the door. Remember? How you put it over by the passenger's side? Yeah. That's why it's on teh driver's side.

Her Bad Mother

OK, so, if you REALLY want to blog about something useful, you could do the 'tell-us-six-weird-things-about-you' meme that I, um, just tagged you for chez moi, which is - I know - kinda like approaching the head cheerleader to sign your yearbook but really I'm JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT.

Alternatively, you could just post a picture of the Boy.

(Now am all embarassed, scuffing toes in dirt...)

Paula

well, whatever stole your gloves must have one of mine as well. i woke up to only one glove in my coat pockets, but i did manage to have my ice scraper. (which using it, made my left hand really cold!)

Colleen

You are fabulous. I just love reading your entries!

amanda

Pumping can be a bitch, but you'll find your rhythm. The language inadequacy just blows harder as the kids incredibly just get cuter and your love deeper.

Big old mama salute to you for forging on when it hurts like nothing you've ever felt before.

amanda

But lo, the dumb ass mama fog continues...does this post mean you were pumping a year ago? Please disregard my inane blathering...

robin

To add some fun into those long cold stay inside days try a playing bath. Not that hanging out in the bathroom is fun, but with enough toys it can easily kill 45 min in the middle of the day....
My son who is 8 still loves doing that when he is getting ansy from being inside too many days.

Sharon

That was the most awesome blog entry I've ever read. But, I'm a sucker for an intro.

Mindy

I enjoy reading my old blog entries. I love how superior I feel now compared to my old naive me!(Notice I said "feel" not "am".)

eva

I'm excited by the colon cleanse advertised on your Project Sellout sidebar...maybe that's appeared due to all the great publicity your "all kinds of fancy" in the loo entry of a couple days ago. That distracted me completely from this love-of-my-child mumbo jumbo.

Heather  Ann

Hello! Maybe you threw it out like I did at the end of the winter last year and forgot you did that and then looked for it and looked for it until you remembered that you threw it out and then scraped the ice off the windshield with your credit card and got your kid to school 15 minutes last because obviously your mind is going!

Wacky Mommy

Babe, I never would have pegged you as a Gymboree girl. Good for you, not being too surly for it.

Nicole

Sorry that your gloves are MIA. I just found mine, you know, when I went outside in subzero temps a few minutes ago to get something out of my trunk...and found those damn gloves I've been looking for all week long.

Well, better to lose your gloves than your toddler.

nila

Stay warm. I wouldn't want your blogging fingers to freeze up and leave me with nothing to read... again.

I'll send some warm vibes from AZ. We are having the most amazing weather. Not that I'm bragging or anything.

Mo

I was so stoked and hopefull at the beginning, this being my 4th miserable day back at work after maternity leave...words of inspiration from Amalah!!

*@!##@*#!

Elizabeth

You know those boxes you've been putting in the basement because you don't know what's in them? The ones marked "KITCHEN" or "FRAGILE"? I'll bet anything that's where the ice scraper is. Or it's in the rented storage locker, sad and alone without it's friend the tire.

P.S. What you said about trying to capture into words how much you love Noah? Awww, I know, I know.

kel

*sigh*

My next idea is for your site to send out text mesasages to readers whenever you update your blog. I'm always so late to the party! I don't even know if you're still reading comments this late... you've probably moved on.

Oh well. I love you anyway. Gush gush gush.

Jamie

And don't forget...

Now with more COWBELL TIRE!

jandyle

I believe I have your ice scrapers/snow brushes in my car. At last count I had seven of them floating around in there. Along with three sets of jumper cables. My trunk is where all those things run and hide, it appears.

nomotherearth

New to your blog - followed here from HBM. Without sounding to 60's hippie -- your letter spoke to me, man...

I'll definitely be back!

Cynthia Samuels

Well you are too much! In addition to getting a grip, remember that you are modeling for Noah a strong, loving, productive and capable mom. It's a good thing - my sons are grown and gone and agree that if all my energy had been focused on them they would have exploded.
If it's any comfort to you - my kids have been out of the house for years and this fall I lost
1 wallet
1 set of keys
2 pair of gloves
a scarf
a half-finished book club book.
So don't blame it on the working mom thing - some days things just walk away on their own. I'm sure of it!

Tirzah

Glad to have you back!!! You're a crazy woman you know that right! That's why I'm such a fan! :)

Isabel

You know what works awesome as an ice scraper in a pinch? A cd case. But it's 2007, and who owns an actual CD? I guess you could use your iPod.

And also, I feel this same way about my bab. Every night when I put him down to bed, I'm a little sick about. Sick that I didn't spend enough time with him during the day and sick that I'm looking forward to him being asleep so I can have a minute to think. I'm glad I'm not alone in this thinking...

Fay

...and then some.

Mother of 5 teenaged boys from 13 to 19.
ugh!

Love those running out of milk days.
enjoy them while you have them!

Amy H

I recently lost the memory card to our camera. It had all of our Christmas photos, some photos of Avery's first "snow" (its still Austin, so we didn't get any accululation), her first food, and her 6 month pictures.

why did I take the card from the camera and not just download straight from the camera to the computer? Lost the cord.

sigh.

psumommy

I think you do a fabulous job at using the English language. I love your blog. Heck, after a year of lurking I'm even leaving a comment! (Yup, I'm a dork.)

I know where my ice scraper is, but the left-handed glove of 3 different pairs of gloves? NO idea.

Mrs. Flinger

Oh. My. God. I so heart you.

Awesome.

(And, can you write to my future self and remind her she's a bit too fucked up emotionally with all those hormones to try to tackle large topics like religion and politics in her head? Thank you.)

BOSSY

The You of last year thinks the You of this year probably forgot to check under the driver's seat. Way under.

C.flicken

Sorry to be a shit, but suck it up. Life is rough. Have a few more kids and get a divorce from an asshole and see how that feels. I love your site and love to read about you and your kid, but you haven't invented the wheel, here.

LollypopFuzz

After a week's reading, I've finally finished reading through your archives (who needs soaps when I've got amalah.com?), and all I can say is Go You. What a fabulous mom you've turned out to be, regardless of the poopy-heads and assvicers and just plain fucktards that have tried to tell you otherwise.

Give the cat an extra buttscratch, and consider me fully de-lurked

:)

Amalah

(I am thinking some people kind of missed the point here? That I wrote this about the person I was LAST YEAR? And that I was maybe telling myself to get a retroactive grip?)

/still can't find the ice scraper or my gloves
//haven't breastfed in ages
///never claimed to invent the wheel, only the circle
////stole these slashies from Fark

Occidental_Girl

We recently moved to a cold climate, and I can't find my box o' winter items. Like gloves. Gloves would really fucking rock right now!

I do, however, have a brand new ice scraper. Haven't used it yet, of course not, but dammit, there it is!

*sigh

Demeter

That was brilliant!

Demeter

That was brilliant!

brighton

No snow in Texas- ever. I wouldn't even know what to use to scrape it off. I'd probably be the moron in the driveway trying to rake it off the car while the baby turned blue from cold.

Julianna

Ummm it made sense to me (I thought it did.) What seemed so important at the time (trial-wise) really wasn't. Without going back and thus only speaking from memory, I remember one major issue that was a huge internal struggle for you--work or stay at home. It's NOT an easy choice, especially for most American women. But it turned out alright.

Now let's see if Typepad hates me still. It's all "you have a Typepad blog, now I'm turning you into my bitch! Bow to the whims of Typepad! Captcha checks just for your dyslexic self!"

Mocha

Don't most women write this letter to themselves every year? Every time they feel guilty about what they're not doing for their kids?

Not those women who live in Tahiti. They only change the ending and can't find their sarong. They don't even know what gloves and an icescraper are.

Amanda Cowan

Wow.. I have a 21 month old.. and I certainly remember those first crazy exhausting frustrating wonderful months.. Good lucking finding the gloves!

Amanda Cowan

Wow.. I have a 21 month old.. and I certainly remember those first crazy exhausting frustrating wonderful months.. Good lucking finding the gloves!

kel

Hmm. Well, take heart, my dear. You may not have invented the wheel here...

but you did invent the Tire.

So there!

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