Vindication's Day
Children Are Useful

A Major Award

Our local Gymboree started doing weekly raffles for toys or something. I don't know. They told me to write Noah's name on a piece of paper and I obeyed. And then they called and said we'd won.

We won! A prize! I am the best name-on-paper-writer EVER.

My choices were a giant Gymbo doll or a mini-parachute. And since I do not allow clowns or clown-related accessories into my house, I opted for the parachute. I figured: mini! We could toss it over some chairs and make a fort! Or a cape for Gay Pride Man! Or we could stage an elaborate production of Noah and the Amazing Technicolor Parachute, except that Mama will play all the parts while Noah is napping!



The "mini-parachute" is gigantic. I don't have a frakking clue what the hell I'm supposed to do with this thing. In Gymboree they make the adults stand around and hold the edges for a variety of activities, all guaranteed to terrify about 75% of our toddlers, but what's the damn point of this thing at home?



Option One: Makes a lovely slipcover! Relive the magic of a Gymboree parachute ride every time you sit on your couch!


Option Two: A whimsical tablecloth! Your dinner guests will feel like they're dining under the Big Top, or possibly on mushrooms.


Option Three: Did you move at some point in the past year? The mini-parachute is perfect for hiding up to forty-five broken-down cardboard boxes. Also for seriously freaking you the fuck out when you catch a glimpse of this out of the corner of your eye when you get up to pee in the middle of the night because OH MY GOD, THE PSYCHEDELIC ELEPHANTS ARE BACK.


Option Four: Start your own cult. 

(Seriously. Where the hell does Jason get the idea that I have so much time on my hands during the day? Where?)

I think we're actually going to go with Option Five, which is leaving the mini-parachute in a wadded-up heap in the basement closet until spring, when I can cover our entire backyard with it whenever I don't feel like mowing the lawn.

Or maybe that Amazing Technicolor Parachute musical idea. Maybe that one.



(Oh, and I'm getting closer and closer to re-creating my banner image for the new generation.)


(Also every gooberiffic photo of me in which I spontaneously erupt in multiple chins.)



Can he get any cuter? I don't think so!


Either Noah has a twin, or Regis & Kelly showed his picture several times today during their beautiful baby search...

Beth F.

This is funny stuff. FUNNY, FUNNY STUFF. Thank you!
(you'll be grateful to have the parachute someday when he wants to build big forts using your nicely folded, crisp sheets.

Noah is turning into such a big boy!


Now that is one flashy home accessory!


Can you put a laugh alert at the top of super funny posts? I catch up on my blogs during class when it's super boring and when I start to snarf out my water or giggle aloud it's obvious that I'm not focusing on the task at hand. Tanks.


The shirt is toooo cute!

I agree with the comment above to cover the tire. Brilliant.

Save it for any future pregnancies also, it could be the perfect maternity dress.


Thanks for the laugh. I'm for the cult. Too funny.

It makes me think maybe I should be writing my name down on those pieces of paper. Free stuff is always good, right? Even when you have absolutely no frickin' use for whatever that free thing is.


Donation probably IS a good idea. Although the whole cult thing is also a good idea. Slim Shady can be your cult theme song.

the bee

I need to comment on the Valentine Post.
Why do men also want to be thanked for every chore they do ?

Mrs. Flinger

OHhh, an award! Fur Shur, that's the best winnings evah. (How's that for tres hip? I'm really trying. Too much?)

The cult pic cracked me up.


I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said.

But hello...what kind of an award is that? You would think Gymboree could have come up with something better.

And Noah? Too cute.

As always, thanks for sharing the great pics.

Vaguely Urban

Did you see the dad from A Christmas Story during the Oscar's In Memoriam last night? I bet he loved the title of this post.

...must be Italian!!

Jenny (vegas)

You are hilarious and I love you for cheering up my day so much.


SO funny!!!!! I like the wave on the last pic. SO normal! So "I don't have a miniparachute over my head!"

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