Different Year, Same Recycled Pile of Neuroses
The Curious Incident of the Pizza in the Night-Time

The High Hallmark Holiday

Another weird thing for the list:

When I was pregnant, I had a plantar's wart on the bottom of my foot. Gross, right? I swear it appeared about two days after my positive test, and it hung around until right after I stopped breastfeeding. I wasn't allowed to use any over-the-counter wart remedies and my dermatologist wouldn't touch it. "It's probably hormonal," she said. "It'll go away on it's own."

Well, FINE, IT DID, but in the meantime I was so horribly embarassed about the disgusting thing on my foot that I refused to get pedicures, despite that being everybody's suggestion to pretty much every pregnancy complaint on earth.

Feeling fat? Treat yourself to a pedicure! Stressed? Swollen? Anxious? 400 years pregnant and not dilated at all? A PEDICURE WILL FIX EVERYTHING.

I did get one prenatal massage at some point, but I lied and told the masseuse I'd sprained my foot so could she not rub that one at all?

I remembered this sort of randomly yesterday, right when the massage therapist flipped back the sheet and started to work on my foot and I involuntarily flinched because OH NO! HE'LL SEE I HAVE A WART AND THINK I AM GROSS. Then I remembered it's gone now and got back to the serious business of serious relaxing.

(See what I did there?)

Jason woke me up yesterday morning: Time to get up. You're going to the spa. All day! Surprise!

I tried to insist that no, I could not go to the spa today, I had websites to update! Websites! But since I totally just made that up, I went to the spa instead.

MY INCREDIBLY BUSY SCHEDULE:

9 am Cream and sugar body scrub, which sounded so delicious I don't think anyone can blame me for sticking my tongue out to taste it. Which was a bad call on my part.

10 am Best damn massage I have ever had in my entire life, especially the part when he told me that if I'm going to let Noah hang off my neck like a monkey I am just going to require regular massages, end of story. For my HEALTH. They are PRESCRIPTION MASSAGES. I could totally die otherwise.

11 am Facial, performed by a completely wrinkle-free woman who didn't look a day over 30, but then she started talking about what menopause is doing to her skin.  I opted not to tell her about the Advice Smackdown.

12 pm A spa lunch, which was all kinds of healthy and full of antioxidents or something. Blah. But I got to read US Weekly completely uninterrupted.

1 pm Manicure and pedicure, during which I dug myself into a conversation hole when she started telling me some story about...something? A wrong phone number? I don't know. I couldn't understand her accent and opted to fake it and follow her cues for when to laugh, but then there was a whole other part to the story and I had no freaking clue what was going on, and she probably referenced the story about seven times during the manicure and I kept fake laughing when she laughed, and I felt like a total shit.

3 pm HAIRCUT OH MY FREAKING GOD. I copped to the kitchen scissor haircut I gave myself, although she insisted I'd actually done a pretty decent job, but still had to cut about three inches off to get my hair back in the "looks like hair" realm instead of the "looks like dried-out straw that the cow didn't quite totally digest, if you know what I mean" category.

Needless to say, I was pretty damn happy by the time I got home, and was fully prepared to put out, but Jason was not done yet.  He cooked dinner, which included a printed-out menu and wine pairings and oysters and risotto and duck and dessert and every course had something red for Valentine's and  I Am Not Shitting You Even In The Slightest.

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(Dear Noah: I'm sorry for lying and telling you that 7:30 was night-night time. You'll understand when you're older and your dad has taught you all his tricks. Dude, you are going to get so much tail.)

I think it was during the White Russian Milkshakes (!!) when I declared yesterday to pretty much being the greatest day of my whole life, even beating out the day Noah was born, since even though I'd spent both days naked, on tables and wearing borrowed robes, there was just so much more dignity and a lot fewer fluids involved this time.

And for some reason, Jason chose this exact moment to finally tell me, after nearly 17 months of letting me think otherwise, that I had indeed pooped while trying to push Noah out.

Ahh, elusive dignity. One day you will be mine! For more than a couple hours, perhaps! 

Anyway, pooping stories aside, it was a really fucking great day and I can't even pretend that it was anything other than completely awesome. My husband rules, man. RULES.

He even moved the tire down to the basement while I was out.

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Now I must be off, for Jason needs some socks. And I am going to buy him some socks. Because I also rule.

Comments

Kate

What a wonderful day and an even more wonderful Hubby! Perfect relaxation after you've been sick and taking care of a *sniff* *sniff* toddler (who should still totally be a baby).

Frema

Sounds like a wonderful day! My husband's birthday is on Valentine's Day, so it gets to be HIS special day, but he always gets me something wonderful. This year is was a PeaceFrog top-and-bottoms pajama set. In my world, that's better than dinner, but only because he cooks all the time any damn way.

Glad you had fun!

Maeven

I am utterly, totally, full-on Green-Eyed jealous!

I want socks, too!

...

What?

shawnessy

I loved everything, EVERYTHING, about this post. High Hallmark Holiday, indeed. he he!

Neena

Wow. I'm SO jealous. So, uber-dreamy-boyfriend was stuck at Andrews Air Force Base until ungodly hours of the night last night due to power outages due from the SNOWPOCALYPSE that wasn't really all that bad. So our sweet and romantic V-Day was postponed until this weekend. I had to cancel reservations and immediately take off the red bra and panty set I'd bought (lest I not be able to wear them this weekend), and sat at home watching Jeopardy and American Idol and cuddling with my dog. (And sending him distractingly dirty text messages...I'll own up to it)


I know that he feels terrible and will make it up to me...but how wrong would it be for me to forward him this post? I mean, he has two days to pull it off...it could happen!


Enough about me. SO glad to hear that you and Jason are keeping the romance alive despite the hyper-active-snot-filled-but-oh-so-adorable toddler running around your house!


P.S. What did you get him?! :)

Sherry

I'm so insanely jealous at this moment, I can barely keep my lunch down.

Also, can I get in on that "prescription" massage action? Because with two toddlers, it must be much, much worse, no?

wordgirl

I'm consumed with petty jealousy. First...a massage that is almost better than sex. Then a meal prepared by your lover (and drinks!!) that makes you feel all warm and full and primed for sex AND THEN...the sex itself. Okay...I'm just assuming that last part.

LeAnne

What an excellent way for you to spend the day!

Um...I wish I could say the same for my husband. I guess he just wasn't beat with romatic stick - EVAH!

Alicia

Oh my GOD I am jealous. I got NOTHING from my husband for Valentine's Day. He's not even talking to me right now because we had a fight Sunday night.

And our son's 2nd birthday is today, and now I'm all depressed! Sorry to be such a downer, but damn, your husband ROCKS!

It makes me feel better to know that not all husbands are jackasses.

gabby

dude - if you get another plantar's wart? DUCT TAPE. I had a nasty one (about the size of a nickel) on the ball of my foot (towards the outside) and it hurt like hell. I was deathly afraid of someone burning it off. I heard that if you keep it continuously covered in duct tape, changing the tape once a day, it will go away. And mine TOTALLY WENT AWAY. Every last little nasty crust of it. A miracle, I tell you.

Jane

Wow, I'm jealous. What a fantastic day (poop story and all)!

paintingchef

I'm thinking maybe Jason should teach a course? On how to be a really fantabulous husband? And on why things like this will TOTALLY get you laid? And then you can use the extra money he makes for more spa days?

And should he decide to do this please let me know for I will be shipping my husband to him for the entire lecture series. Even though we had a wonderful Valentines Day that involved a Billy Joel concert and yes, there was nobody within our age bracket anywhere around us and yes, my inner rockstar has already kicked my ass but PEOPLE! BILLY JOEL! PIANO MAN! The music of my childhood that I have much love for.

So yeah...cream and sugar scrub you say? And really? It wasn't tasty? I'm kind of surprised but I absolutely would have tasted it also.

wordnerd

Awwwww! Just, well, awwwwwwwwwwww! What a sweetie! (Well, except for the poop...)

Awwwwwwwwwwww.

jodi

I have to know what spa you went to. I live in the DC area also and would love to know a great spa!!!!

We had a romantic day planned, but then get snowed in b/c our streets were never plowed. With our 2 year old, thatb was not romantic. How exactly did you get out?

Dr. Johnny Fever

That part where you said you were prepared to "put out" but Jason wanted to keep cooking instead? That is a first degree violation of the Male Behavior Code. I've alerted the authorities.

Jason, I love you, dude. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to revoke your penis.

earlyduckie

Sounds like a great day! Mine wasn't quite as exciting but it was still pretty good... And the news about the "prescription massages," BEST NEWS EVER!

Becca

Wow! I am using every ounce of wife-ly love I have to not send this post to my husband. (even though we had a great time and a wonderful dinner last night)

Patchie

I am so frakkin jealous. Because I? Am going to get a haircut today while holding my two month old in my lap. Because i do not trust my husband to give me one freaking hour on my own without him getting all resentful and shit.

I'm glad you had an awesome day. You deserved it.

bluepaintred

the tire was the sticking point wasnt it? I mean without the tire you would have SO not put out, HUH??

glad you had a great Vday

Ninotchka

Best. Valentine's Day. Ever.

He's a gem! You deserve it.

Katie Ann

So sweet! I'm shipping my husband to your house tomorrow...

Bunny

What a wonderful valentine! He is an incredible man. I am so jealous! I told my husband that I wanted a day off, but since that would mean he would have to take a vacation day so I could do nothing? It just didn't sound like a good idea to him.

Robbi

What a SWEET guy you have! Lucky you. Also? I have been extremely slow/bored at work this week, so have taken it upon myself to read you ENTIRE ARCHIVES.

Hope

Wow, I spent the day in bed coughing up nasties and then we spent the night lying on the couch, eating leftovers and watching CSI while being sick together.

Your day pretty much Pwns mine. :P

Amy H

What an amazing freaking day. GREAT JOB, Jason. OMG.

Definitely see why you weren't on the Lost open thread last night. hehehe. (because THAT is what you want to do on Valentine's Day. Watch Lost. Rather than all the kick-butt things you were doing instead)

*cough* it was a good episode and we did learn something...maybe...but we did get the elusive "next week" promise from Lost.

Abra Leah

So sweet! Sure as hell beats: teaching all day, coaching til late, eating nachos for dinner, missing Idol, and packing for a business trip. :P

Glad you had a well deserved day of pampering! :)

Sarah

Well, he didn't send me to a spa, but my hubby gave me a full-body massage himself, and gave me two homemade cards (one from him, one "from" our 1-yr-old daughter). :-) Your V-day sounds amazing! Go Jason!

Miss Britt

Wow. Just... wow.

Beachgal

How awesome for you! Sounds like a great day! I was also recently informed by my husband that I pooped on the table, and hell, I only pushed like 5 times. Three years later, I'm not sure I really needed to know.

Sarah

As Katie Ann is shipping you her husband, I assume that means Jason is free tomorrow to send me off to a spa and cook me delicious food?

Sounds like you had a perfect day, well done on the choice of husband!

Sadie

Okay, a few things.

1) Your husband does, indeed, rule. No caveats.

2) I ALSO know the pain of a plantar's wart renders you too ashamed to get a pedicure and also which you feel compelled to lie about to a masseuse ('um, yeah, my feet are really ticklish so you can just skip them, and also please don't look at them either."). And as another commenter before me suggested, the duct tape thing REALLY WORKS. Something about the wart (wart! what a gross word even) smothering from the inside, so it doesn't recur. Just in case you ever get one again - I would think duct tape is even safe for preggos.

3) Kudos to Jason for letting you think you didn't poop for all this time, and boo hiss on his timing of that revelation.

mom2werogers

HOLY SHIT JASON RULES! What a great day!

Cindy

Jealous? Me? Yep. Your hubby truly rocks.

Dude. Is your basement wall made out of bamboo?

Daily Tragedies

I'll let the Internet pick who I marry, so long as Jason trains him first! Seriously, I'm not doing such a stellar job with the choosing on my own.

Glad you had such a wonderful day!

Cindy

Jealous? Me? Yep. Your hubby truly rocks.

Dude. Is your basement wall made out of bamboo?

Kymba

Holy Christ. Does he have a brother? A butch sister? Because I would totally trade in mine for somebody that has a genetic link to Jason.

I'm seething. I didn't even get a card.

Not that I'm bitter. PFFFFTTTT.

jerin

Totally delurking to say what an awesome husband you have! Am so jealous! Sounded like you had a fantastic day. But you deserve it!!!

Theresa

all you people who got laid last night can bite me. My period has such impeccable timing. But I did take a chair and lap dance class at the gym Sunday, and brought my new tricks home with me...so I got pre-Valentine sex I suppose.

Lindsay

Hate. Hate. Hate.

Shall we compare your V-Day to mine:
I spent all yesterday studying for the Bar Exam that I have to take in exactly 12 days which determines whether I actually get to keep my job or instead am going to be thrust into unemployment (with your smackdown suggestions and my product whoreness that's not an option)!
To make it even better the "blizzard of 07" dumped a measley 12 inches of snow on lovely Urbana, IL. Although that is nothing to most people accustomed to winter, for some reason this shitty city shut down and consequently my lovely husband and adorable 9 month old son were cooped up in our house playing with every musical toy ever made (TOTALLY uncondusive to studying).
For dinner I had my son's leftover microwaved veggie burger with a side of slobber, along with a lovely accompanyment of gerber graduate green beans (room temp of course).
My husband did crack open a bottle of Dolcetto D'Alba which I proceeded to drink 1/2 of . . . and he was then successful in his attempt to get me to put out(despite the fact that I really could have used that sleep).
I think you win.
One more thing as long as I'm rambling on YOUR SPACE--I had the exact same wart/pregnant/massage experience, except I told the masage therapist that I had had surgery on my foot (how lame). Even lamer, my wart is still there and I haven't yet had time to do anything about it.

joy

he really truly does rule. i need to leave this post casually open on my husband's computer. definitely.
sound like an awesome day, amy--and definitely well deserved.

alison

What a perfect day! Lucky you!

I love your line about how Noah is going to get so much tail. Classic.

joy

he really truly does rule. i need to leave this post casually open on my husband's computer. definitely.
sound like an awesome day, amy--and definitely well deserved.

Lackadaisi

Sounds like a great day!

Seriously though, where is the "great spa" of which you speak? This area has an abundance of mediocre spas and a dirth of good ones. I would love to know where the good one is hiding out.

Lisa

awseome day!!!

Peyton

Awwwww! Jason, you're awesome! :-)

Valentine's Day is also our wedding annivesary, and I need to forward your post to my hubby for next year. Because...wow!!

He did get me a pearl necklace & earrings and some yummy smelling Missoni perfume. But dinner at the Cheesecake Factory with our 2-year-old? Not completely romantic. And working on the laptop last night when we got home? I could have STRANGLED.

Wacky Mommy

*sighs*

emily

So. Jealous.

Would sending my husband a link to this be mean?

callistawolf

Damn. I'm SO jealous.

hello insomnia

I'm going to print this out and casually slip it into the sports section so my husband will get the hint.

callistawolf

Dude, I SO sent my husband the link. Mean or not, I felt Jason's actions merited being spread further across the internet.

AmyM

Completely awesome. My husband says I 'should treat myself to a day at the spa', but never goes so far as to actually pay for it in advance, which would totally 'force' me to go. Because, umm..it's PAID for already, so I HAVE to go!
Glad you had such a relaxing day.

Pat

Ahhh....I'm just sitting here sobbing in my palm, as yesterday my dear husband of 16 years said...."you didn't actually "want" anything for Valentines Day did you?? Me: um no dear but you didn't actually WANT a blow job did you?" Batting eyes...so I had me a bottle of wine and a nice bubble bath...kids a bit scared. But they understood...I'm over it now..but oh he shall pay.....

psumommy

Now that sounds like the best Valentine's Day EVER. Kudos to your hubby!

Maria

Jason Rules! Noah was totally taking notes, right?

Sorry, but I nearly peed my pants over the poop confession.

Zandria

I had a wart on the bottom of my foot for a few months. This was about six years or so ago. It finally just went away by itself, but it was a huge pain.

Glad you had a good Valentine's Day! :)

Jessie

That sounds like a perfect day, except the letting you know about the poop thing. But due to the rest of it, I'm sure he was forgiven.

I tried to make a romantic diner for my husband last night, complete with shrimp scampi, roasted asparagus, wine and molten mocha cakes, and while we did actually have all those things it wasn't really romantic because I snapped at him before-hand for getting in my way in the kitchen and he snapped back and so we sat pretty much silently through dinner. We did make up later though, thank goodness.

DRegina

Yeah for Jason! Yeah for Amalah!

He did good, and you deserved it.

slynnro

I had a plantar's wart when I was like 13 (talk about embarrassing) and they had to cut that shit out of my foot. It hurt like holy hell. Consider yourself lucky yours just dissolved.

Maria

He truly and totally rules. But then you truly and totally deserve it.

jodi

And what time is normal bed time for Noah? Michael goes to bed at 7 and people act like that is so early but he is rubbing his eyes like crazy by then.

JP

Amy, you had me smirking at the straw/hair bit, but I just wanted to let you know that straw? It's what cows sleep, and poop, on. They actually eat hay, which is kind of green. That's all!

JP

Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day... does Jason have a younger brother?

glamgranola

First, Jason ROCKS!
Second, We all pooped Amy. Bye, bye dignity, hello motherhood...

Peetsmom

Beautiful and fabulous in every way!

Me, I got a poem! Which I LOVED.

Julianna

Aww, Jason is awesome! I worked and then bought myself flowers since it's V-day #2 apart from the husband. Maybe by this time next year he'll be here!

Nina

Wowie! That is probably the sweetest Valentine's I've ever heard of. Jason does rule!

Kari

I won't lie. I sort of hate you today.

amieable

We need to see the haircut!

Happy V-day to you and your family!

jonniker

Oh Amy! That's awesome. Happy belated Valentine's Day (Adam is getting a printout for next year...)

atomic

Huh. Well, let's see. After coming *thisclose* to birthing our second daughter in our bathroom and in the end making it, just barely, to the hospital last Wednesday and having spent the following week getting up every morning with both kids because I was still jacked up on birthing hormones, yesterday my husband slept in till 10 and I made cookies with the toddler's "help" while the newborn nursed.

So ya, it sounds like our days were very similar.

atomic

...But you know, I didn't poop on the table. So at least I've got that going for me! Right?

Tirzah

Wow! That was one heck of a treat! I'd love to have that done sometime...I always forget about stuff I really want to do when I have the money to do it. I suck! Glad you guys had a wonderful time, very sweet of Jason-Thumbs up!

Meg

When reading about the wart and that it went away after you stopped BF, I thought for sure you were going to say that it was back and you were once again PG. For sure.

Sounds like an awesome day! Jason’s definitely a winner!

Nothing But Bonfires

Wait, what happens to the poop when you poop? Do they whisk it away and pretend like it didn't happen? Or does it sit there and you all politely ignore it?

SprengBlingBling

I seriously laughed OUT LOUD at the poop part. Man, what a way to find out. But, ya know, it's cool. What a great day and a great husband!

Alejandra

This sounds like the most incredible day! I just stumbled onto here and am so glad I did. You're a lucky girl...

Meghan

Keep that man.

And the pooping part just about killed me. My husband is still mum on the subject, which is a-ok with me.

lydia

OMG!! I got a plantar wart (actually, 3) when I was oh, about 36 weeks pregnant last time. I asked my OB if it had anything to do with carrying extra weight or pregnancy and he didn't think so. It lingered until about 4 or 5 months after and then went away by itself.

And now, guess what!! I'm pregnant again and I've got another one!! Like at exactly the same time as before! It's so nice to know I'm not the only one with this freaky-ass thing. None of the pregnancy books mention this and let me tell you, nothing adds more style to the very pregnant waddle like a hurting foot.

Thanks for sharing.

lydia

OMG!! I got a plantar wart (actually, 3) when I was oh, about 36 weeks pregnant last time. I asked my OB if it had anything to do with carrying extra weight or pregnancy and he didn't think so. It lingered until about 4 or 5 months after and then went away by itself.

And now, guess what!! I'm pregnant again and I've got another one!! Like at exactly the same time as before! It's so nice to know I'm not the only one with this freaky-ass thing. None of the pregnancy books mention this and let me tell you, nothing adds more style to the very pregnant waddle like a hurting foot.

Thanks for sharing.

lydia

OMG!! I got a plantar wart (actually, 3) when I was oh, about 36 weeks pregnant last time. I asked my OB if it had anything to do with carrying extra weight or pregnancy and he didn't think so. It lingered until about 4 or 5 months after and then went away by itself.

And now, guess what!! I'm pregnant again and I've got another one!! Like at exactly the same time as before! It's so nice to know I'm not the only one with this freaky-ass thing. None of the pregnancy books mention this and let me tell you, nothing adds more style to the very pregnant waddle like a hurting foot.

Thanks for sharing.

Maxine Dangerous

Sounds awesome! Love the borrowed robes/dignity part. Classic. :)

Val

WOW! What an amazing day.

missbanshee

Not at all crying about being a singleton again and having nothing good happen on V-day. Not crying at all.

MMM

That's just awesome!
Show us the haircut!

Kate

I second the request for spa location disclosure!

Meg

I'm afraid to ask, Amy, but I must...what did Jason get for Valentine's Day?

Laura Zigman

I am jealous. I am also in desperate need of grooming. Pedicure. Manicure. Hair color. Eyebrow shaping. I've been putting it all off because I'm afraid the pedicurist-manicurist-hair colorer- eyebrow-shaper will stare at me in horror wondering how to give me the Extreme Makeover version of their usual services.

Which spa by the way? I used to live in DC, too.

yet another from the legions of Amys

I have been dropping atomic-bomb-like hints that I want my husband to surprise me and schedule a massage--not even a whole day of pampering, just an hour--for a very, very long time. Knowing that there are husbands like yours that actually DO those kinds of things almost made me teary. Good for you for snagging him!

wilddreemer

But, what did you get him?

Kate

Oh, man. The poop thing made me laugh out loud. And it sounds like a wonderful day and I am quite envious...but shouldn't wrinkle-free woman be an Alpha Foxy Mama or something now?

Kate

Oh, and duct tape doesn't work on warts. Sorry to burst those bubbles but I like to bring the bad news. :P

Jamie

Umm, does it say "COOT" on that tire? Because if it does, that might be the best white trash tire EVER. OF EVER and EVER. Completely hilarious.

Happy Belated Valentine's Day!

barry

Wow!! Is that a Dunlop SP sport 8090??? NICE tire!!

Ivie

Okay, I admit, I too am jealous of your V-day pampering. But way to go on your choice of hubbys!!! At least I did get to spend all day with mine - buying the rest of the materials we needed for our DIY bathroom remodel and hauling sheetrock to the dump. Whatever works, right? :)

Liz

Totally jealous. I spent the day worrying about my daughter driving on the re-freezing roads to the point that the thought of food made me want to puke. Luckily (snark) my husband didn't plan anything so once I knew my daughter was safe, I made a grilled cheese sandwich.

I hope you can keep the romance at 22 years married better than I could.

Moira

You? I hate. Today.

Jason? Rocks. Clone him.

Scott Westcott

Hey Amy

I'm writing a piece for Parents magazine about parental happiness -- that is, ideas on how parents can make themselves happy -- so they end up with happy kids and more sanity. I'm looking for some real life solutions like going out on date nights, making play dates with girlfriends (without kids) and cutting back on tons of kid activities. I'd love to get your insights and some ideas from other moms you're connected with. You can email me at westcott1@mac.com. Need into asap as deadline approaches.

shy me

The tire! It is back! This makes me happy!!!

Ioma

Holy crapoly, Jason rules. Does he have a younger brother? *Napoleon Dynamite voice* LUCKY!

I dislocated my jaw first thing V-day morning, and I wasn't even doing anything FUN! I'm single, and I spent V-day (aka The Day Before My Birthday) evening reassuring my gay friend that his date would go just fine, and he ended up being stood up!

Also? I've had a fever of 104 since yesterday and all day today (my b-day), AND my mom was snowed in, so she couldn't even come see me on my b-day. :( I am totally jealous of you right now.

I had a plantar wart when I was 10 or 11. It hurt like hell, and it seemed to be there forever. I played a lot of sports at that time, so it bothered me constantly. I also walked around barefoot a lot - I was racing a friend barefoot one day and a piece of glass took care of the wart.

Jenny H.

I totally admit to not reading the comments, but only because I have my own crappy-ass drama going on... but, I must say this:

Holy-fucking-shit. That beats my V-Day all to hell. And mine was pretty good. I got a mommytags bracelet and flowers and chocolates AND WINE, betches!!

And now? Wow, he looks totally HOT MAKING YOUR FUCKING DINNER!!

Just sayin'!! I will be back to read the comments in the morning...

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