Parenthood = Redefining Hell on a Daily Basis
March 30, 2007
Today we went to the MVA to register our cars and (finally) get our new driver's licenses. We took Noah with us.
Dear Nice Lady Who Let Noah Play With Your Shiny Nice Pen,
I love you. May that simple act of kindness be rewarded with decades of flawless skin and a good seven or eight hot young cabana boys.
PS Although perhaps you only needed to say the thing about Noah not looking a thing like Jason one time, and maybe not so loud.
Dear Mystery Person Who Spilled Froot Loops All Over the Floor In the Waiting Area,
I hate you. I know I should probably have empathy for what was most likely a desperate situation, but that's just bad parenting karma there, man. May the next dozen public restroom floors you encounter be littered with crushed-up Oreos.
Dear Lady In That Line Over There,
You are in the wrong line. You want that line, over there. No, the line past that one. Yes. But only if you have the right form filled out. Oh no, that is the wrong form. Take a number from that window; they will give you the right form. THEN you get in that line over there. Yeah. But get out of the line you're in know. I'm pretty sure that's where you register as a sex offender.
Trust Me, I've Been Here All Day
That is so great that you found a wireless Internet signal to use! That is fantastic! I'm so happy for you and your little laptop and oh my god if you do not step away from your email and help me corral our child I will run you over with our newly tagged and titled car in the parking lot and that cop over there would LET ME because I think the sound of Noah's screaming is causing feedback on his walkie-talkie.
Death Is Not An Option and Neither Are Floor Froot Loops
Dear Tropicana 5% Fruit Juice Beverage-Like Product From the Vending Machine,
When will my son's eyeballs go back to normal?
A Concerned Parent
Dear State That I Now Live In,
I am not a terrorist, despite looking like one on my license photo. I was just kind of...wound a little tight by the time it was my turn.
Now Serving Number 321
PS The GIANT CRAB floating next to my head isn't helping things either, you know. Why not just Photoshop a checkered bib and a shaker of Old Bay onto everybody's photo while you're at it?
PPS Dude. Crabs are delicious. I would like to go eat some right now.