Ties that bind.
March 26, 2007
I get asked all the time about what I won't blog about. Is there anything I keep to myself? Anything I purposely avoid? It's easy to assume there isn't, since I'm pretty open and transparent about a lot of things here.
But I do have one ready answer to that question: I don't blog about my family. Yes, I've written the occasional entry here and there. My parents' health, usually, and I think I've made some vague references to our general fucked-up-ness, and while it's tempting to mine that fucked-up-ness for Sedaris-family comedy gold, I don't.
My family is the one situation I have a hard time finding the humor in. I used to jokingly describe us as "the Brady Bunch, except that everybody hates each other."
I don't make that joke anymore.
And I don't blog about my family. Which means today is tough, since I've been home in Pennsylvania with family since last Tuesday.
Sigh.
We're a family that repeats the mistakes of previous generations -- the very mistakes we always swore we would never make. We hold grudges for years. We forgive but we do not forget. We expect too much and give too little.
We're a family that avoids confrontation at any cost. We're a family where people grab their car keys and storm out the door when things get ugly.
We point fingers with one hand and hold full glasses of wine in the other.
We take sides. We manipulate and guilt trip. We gossip. And we finally explode and yell and cry. The floodgates open and decades of hurts and slights come spilling out, and every delusion and pretension about who I am and where I come from are crushed under the weight of my family's daytime-talkshow-like baggage.
Then we all sing Happy Birthday and eat cupcakes and pretend none of it ever happened.
We're a family with certain members who, after realizing that family is really all we've got in this world, have opted to go it alone instead.
We're divorce at its worst. At its most painful and scarring. We're alcoholism and obesity and abuse and co-dependence and cancer and mental illness.
We're also Christmas mornings and homemade stockings and laughter and old movies and pulling together in a crisis. We're inside jokes and ten of two and grandbabies and the very best of intentions.
I don't tell stories about my family here because even though I'd like nothing more than to hear that we're not the only family like this, I need to believe -- for Noah's sake-- that none of it really matters, and that one day he'll have happier stories to tell about us.
Ya, me too.
That smiling child at the bottom says it all.
I started my blog to vent about issues. My mom dying of a cancer that was totally preventable, my son's autism, my husband's lack of hours at his job...
With my mom's dying and subsequent death, the friends who couldn't understand why I first moved three hundred, then a thousand miles from my family got the front row seat to the dysfunction.
Unlike you and yours, I won't even pretend that I like the people they are. You've got a lot more strength than I do!
I used to think I had the best family and we were all happy and gooey. Then I grew up and realized there's a reason that we only see each other once a year. Maybe. And I almost don't mind that.
I know how hard it can be. One side of my family is just like you described and the other is grudges for years. I always feel in the middle, since family is more important to me than holding grudges for years.
Noah will have much happier memories as long as you don't repeat the cycle, intentionally. Nobody is perfect and no parent is perfect. It's so hard to break cycles like that, but our kids are so worth it.
As Paula Deen says, "Sending you love and best dishes".
Well said
Distance can make any situation seem "not so bad" until you're back in it and HAVE to face it (read: that once a year gathering).
You aren't the only one. That's why we get to pick our next families. Your hubby and Noah are a great trade.
Love that swinging pic.
Sweet pic! And I love my family and consider them pretty "normal". But there is a reason you grow up and move the heck out of there.
Whose family isn't like that? I think it' jut degress.
I hear you on not blogging about the family though. When I first started blogging I had entries about the crazy that is my in-laws, and a few months ago I deleted them. I was sick in living in constant fear that they would find them.
Ugliness in my family too. Especially in the last five years. Members not speaking to other members for years. Addiction, rehab, lying, and cruel accusations. And those are the good parts. Thank god we never had paparazzi documenting every misfortune, because there has been plenty. There are happy things in my childhood, and early adulthood, but they get overshadowed by the last few year's bullshit.
Like you I hope my four beautiful children will more than tolerate each other as adults, and that they marry people who treat them well. And that "this family" ours, turns out better than my family.
I was giving this subject some more thought. And it really is hard to have kids exposed to things like that. My mom has held grudges against 2 of her 3 sisters for years. She is trying to get past them all, but family gatherings suck so bad, my Aunt and I have been tempted to not go to anything any more. It ruins our days amd my kids are in this horrible environment. My son, especially, is old enough to be aware, but hasn't asked much about it.
On the other side, my dad cut me out of his life when I was 14 (I'm 37 now). And he only speaks to his mom and my brother.
Of course, there are no easy solutions to families like these. All we can do is determine to not live life with bitterness and anger.
That's my family......minus the cupcakes and happy birthdays. We're just all about the dysfunction without the making up.
The worst part, for me at least, is that you have to NOT blog the stuff that is actually the most compelling part of your life. The stuff that would make the very best blog entries. I have a GOLDMINE of stories about my crazy mother that I just can't tell.
That little mug there makes you want to try for perfection, doesn't it? In our family it was my mom who broke the chain and she made sure that we had a much more solid family growing up than she did. Every day I'm happy and thankful to her for my childhood and for the childhood I can guide my kids through because of her hard work.
There is a sign you can get in artsy craftsy stores that says "The Story Starts Here..."
Maybe you should pick one up for your yard. :-)
I always try to love my family members because of who, and not how, they are. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who really understands just how manipulative, snarky, and back-stabbing they can be.. but also the only one who can see how selfless, understanding, and devoted they can be. I'm either wanting to smother them in hugs and kisses or roundhouse kick them, Chuck Norris style. Some friends can be the same way.. and I got to CHOOSE them. go figure.
The amount of drama that has been teeth-clenchingly silenced in my family throughout the generations could fill a thousand encyclopedias. We are AMAZING at not addressing situations that really, REALLY need to be addressed. Hang in there and concentrate on that sweet little face in that swing.
Take care.
I got chills because I felt like you were describing my family... I have the same hope for my kids.
Hey, are we cousins? Your family sounds JUST like mine!
Still falling into the Bershon at 37 - need I say more?
My family is fairly "normal" (whatever that is) and my hubby's is the complete opposite. I struggle all the time with wanting Will to know his families but with wanting to shield him from the "crazies." Follow your gut - just looking at Noah's sweet face is enough to know that you are doing a great job as a mom!
"Children gorw into the intellectual life around them." Lev Vygotsky
That is my hope and mantra! Because really my daughter doesn't need to remember Marsha and Bobby.
And since I can't spell GROW take pity on my child!
As if growing up in one family like you've described isn't bad enough, try having another one find you and thrust its 10-times worse dysfunction your way. Makes one very glad for caller ID, I tells you.
That's why I tell everyone I was born in the Cabbage Patch.
I've always said: families are God's way of forcing us to have relationships with people we would otherwise not have relationships with.
Sometimes the healing has to take place outside of the family of origin. You are creating a healthly new family. It is easier to change yourself than others, although turning the cruise ship of family history around can be hard.
I think you have put into words (quite elegantly, I might add) what many of us have experienced--still experience--with our families. It is good not to write about it, though; better to keep your focus on what you want to create in your home.
What a beautiful child you have there! That happy face says it all.
There must be a universal toddler swing face. Check this out: http://flickr.com/photos/sweetjuniper/133971692/in/set-72057594086576965/
You're not alone. A nasty custody drama involving my husband's mother and sister (dealing with his three kids from a previous marriage) caused him to finally say, "Screw you people," and we haven't spoken to any of them now in almost a year and a half. It's been the most peaceful 18 months of our marriage. They fit the description you gave of your family to a T, so much so that it gave me the willies and made me bust out laughing at the same time.
Hang in there, kiddo. With work and keeping in mind what you had to contend with growing up, you can give Noah some awesome memories and experiences, without all the "Jerry Springer" drama. That's what I want for my 2-year-old, too. Keeping him away from my in-laws is a good first step.
Oh yes. I know intellectually you know this, and you know that there are lots and lots of families like yours, but it doesn't hurt to hear that you're so not alone. A lot of us are trying to break the cycle of pain and divorce, and really, I think our generation is going to do it.
That picture of Noah is the best ever. The best! EVER! Extra exclamation points!
!!!!
I hope that, too, Amy.
Amalah I first want to say how MUCH I love your blog. I don't think I've ever commented here but I read you daily and you make me laugh and think on a regular basis!
As for today's post, all families have their own brand of ugliness. While wanting to shield your adorable lil' man from it is normal I almost wonder why we try so hard to protect our kids from that aspect of our families and ourselves. I think its important for them to see people for who they are and relationships for what they are. It helps them become more rounded as a person themselves and more capable of handling those situations when its their turn to do so. Hiding the uglies may give them unrealistic expectations as to people and families and love that they can't quite overcome later in life. I'm not saying, yanno, throw him in the middle of it and let him deal with it NOW, but seeing it, even at his young age, isn't necessarily going to scar him. It all depends on how he sees you handle it. That's where he'll get his understanding and his coping mechanisms for his future relationships. :) ... then again... I'm prolly fulla crap! heh
you are such a great writer, even when NOT writing about stuff
big hugs to you from NJ (yes, the one with NEWARK penn station) ;)
A wonderful post, even in all of its vague glory. Bittersweet.
That's exactly what I don't blog about either, and Lord let me say, there are stories to tell. In fact, there's a show on TV now that's pretty close, but not as bad as my family. I emailed the writers to tell them that if they ever run out of ideas for storylines, just call.
But you're right, it's you and Jason and Noah that matter, and I think our generation realizes that. Perhaps we recognize it in a way that our parents did not, and will be the ones to break the cycle. That's my hope, anyway. I've learned as much about how NOT to parent as how to do so from my family.
It all sounds so familiar. My family has it share of issues and none of us are very good at apologies so things never seem to get resolved, just swept under the carpet until the issue arises again.
My husbands family on the other hand is out of a television sitcom, perfect from every angle. Everything I always thought I wanted, but now that I am part of it I find I miss the raw honesty, however dysfunctional it might be, that my family possesses.
If nothing else I know that the most important thing is for all of us to come together and show my son all the love in the world, and be a little less critical of all our faults.
Love the picture of Noah, the baby swing is out favorite place on earth!
I don't blog about mine either. And... for what its worth... yours isn't the only one. BELIEVE ME.
Our families were fantastic until my father-in-law married an evil woman. The last time we saw her, I vowed never to have Jojo around that kind of ugly again. So, we don't see my father-in-law as much, but I'm fine with that. And we'll always tell stories of life with Opa before the Evil One.
I feel exactly the same way. I am separated by 850 miles from the insanity that is my family. I love to tell people "someday, I'll write a book about all of this" but in reality, I just can't see the upside to venting about their bullshit on the Internet or in a tell-all tome. Better for me to focus on how I want my kids to be raised and what kind of family life I want to create for all of us.
Incredible capture of Noah!
one of my brothers? totally cool and fun to be around. The other brother? polar opposite. Holds grudges, talks bad about people who use drugs and then gets arrested for it, doesn't have anything nice to say--ever.
Still, every summer we all gather at our beach house (my parents, both brothers and wifes/kids, and my husband/baby) and spend a week together. By the end of it we are all talking about each other behind our backs. But for that first day--or few hours--when everything is good it is all worth it.
I hear ya. No family is perfect and there is no such thing as a functional family. Every family has some sort of dysfunction.
It is especially hard when you live away from home. I lived away for 10 years and moved back about 2 years ago. It was really tough to be around all the drama on a more frequent basis and not be able to leave and go back to my non-family life in California, far, far away from it all.
I now understand the meaning behind the saying that you don't pick your family. Because you don't. You're stuck with them, like it or not.
You're doing a great job with Noah and it sounds like you're giving him the best upbringing! I mean, look how happy he is!
Hang in there!
That is a tough one. I recently wrote an entry about an episode from my past and have since deleted it. I almost wish I had never written it. Too late...
My family has it's own special brand of crazy. I won't go into it because it is a long, fucked up mess. Suffice it to say, our families are very similar. You are not alone.
I am trying to make sure my children don't have that kind of life. It is difficult. Especially since my parent's live close by. You just have to do the best that you can.
Noah is a very lucky to have such a good mama.
Word.
I know that Noah will have much better stories to tell. I hope the same for my daughter and I fight every day to not repeat mistakes already made by previous generations.
I also wish that I could use blog therapy to help get past my family issues and personality dysfunction, but I know that putting it all out there would do more harm than good.
Yeah, we're totally related.
When I got married I kind of freaked because I cannot believe how utterly uneffed up my husband's family is. It's not normal to be that normal. I figure they're hiding something big - like Jimmy Hoffa and Anna Nicole's baby daddy.
Last year, I actually scoured my blog of unseemly material about my family. Now, I keep it to actual things we joke about it - if I can't laugh about it WITH THEM, then I try to keep it out of my blog. It is really, really, really hard though because my mom's family is not dysfunctional, they are actually UNfunctional. I used to call her mother the Crazy Leavenworth Grandma because she IS crazy and mean-spirited and constantly does wacky things to hurt my mom's feelings. But, as I've gone fairly un-anonymous now, I dropped the "crazy" from her moniker.
Thank you for this post. What a humbling post.
I think everyone has said everything so far in the previous comments.
When it all gets too sucky, just look at that incredible little smiling face of Noah's and give him a big hug. Believe me it is the best therapy in the world.
Dude. We're totally related. My family is much the same, although, I DO vent about my mother on my blog...cuz it has to come out somewhere.
The hard thing is trying to explain to my husband why, even though they make me insane, I won't move away from them. Guess you have to grow up in that to understand it?
Bossy doesn't mind blogging about her extended family because none of them can afford high speed internet.
Sounds just like my family, expect for the yelling part. We never actually release any of the anger. It just stays and festers forever. I wouldn't give up my family for the world, though.
Are we related? Because you just described my family right down to the ground.
It's my fond hope that my daughters will have "happier stories to tell about us," too. And I think they will. I think they'll have just as many fucked up stories to tell, but somehow that's necessary, to my way of thinking. Family isn't all rainbows and ponies and lollipops. My family is made up of real live human beings with all kinds of flaws and foibles. I love them all for it, even as I am completely, disbelievingly pissed at them for it.
Great thoughts today.
I'm right there with you. I look at my daughter and husband and wish with all my heart that the past won't repeat itself. I have to believe it really, there's no other way.