Descent into Madness
April 12, 2007
Despite multiple blog posts to the contrary, I am a pretty laid-back, non-neurotic mom. Shut up! I am.
We don't own flash cards or go to Mandarin Chinese lessons. I can call a spade a spade, a rip-off a rip-off and a Baby Einstein video a baby-crack de-mobilizing device. I am (relatively!) calm in the face of injury and illness and the only reason all my outlets have the plastic pluggy things is because we requested that the previous owners of our house leave them. (Seriously. It's in the contract. Plastic pluggy things to convey.) I believe that children don't really need to be pushed and entertained and enriched 24 hours a day, and that basically all my son needs is love, a (relatively!) safe environment to explore, free time to do that exploring, and a mother who doesn't eat all the Goldfish crackers.
We've never been to the emergency room or used our pediatrician's after-hours answering service. I shrug when he eats dirt and bathe him every other day. I believe that tantrums are an annoying but necessary part of a child's journey towards language, that milestone charts should be taken with a grain --make that a rim -- of salt, and that my kid doesn't need to be doing the same things your kid does.
I believe that I have been blessed with a healthy, normal and perfectly average child, and while I know I am not a perfect mother I believe I am damn good enough.
And yet something happens to me during the 20 minutes or so that I spend waiting for the actual doctor at Noah's pediatrician's office. Something...insane.
The nurse comes in, checks Noah's weight and height and head circumferance, asks a couple milestone questions -- and then says the doctor will be in shortly.
And that's when I crumble. I obsess and overanalyze. I become convinced that something -- no, EVERYTHING -- is massively wrong.
Linda wrote about those goofy milestone questions a couple weeks ago and confessed to being flummoxed by the block-stacking one. I felt a twinge of relief when I read that, because at least I know that Noah stacks blocks. He is a block-stacking genius. Five or six blocks at a time! Mega-Blocks stacked as tall as his head! This next visit will be a piece of cake!
And it was. At first. Noah's not much of a talker yet, but I felt confident that we fell within the "four-to-ten words" spectrum. He does not, however, know his body parts.
He will maybe lift his shirt to show you his belly, if you ask, and if he's in the mood. (Hint! He is never in the mood.) If you ask the question when he's naked, however, he just sort of...pinches his chest where his shirt would be. So I would not really count that as Harvard-level body-part identification skills there.
Oh! And this one: Can he drink from a cup without spilling?
Me: blink. blink blink.
It has never even occurred to me to hand Noah an actual cup. Why would I do that? It's madness! It's like when my mother-in-law gave me a set of FINGER PAINTS for Noah. FINGER PAINTS! That's bullshit, man. I graciously thanked her and then hid them in the basement, since I plan to keep Noah unaware of finger paints until junior high.
Wait. Why did she measure his height again after getting his weight? Oh, Jesus. He's underweight. Terribly malnourished. Look at him! You can see his ribs! His belly is fat, but...oh, Jesus. It's fucking DISTENDED. How did I miss that?
And then the nurse came back in after a couple minutes to re-measure Noah's head. Which meant...oh, Jesus. Look at him! Look at that gigantic head! He's a Q-tip! He's got fluid on the brain! He's got craniosynostosis! How did I miss that?
So for 20 minutes this morning, I sat in a small exam room, terrified out of my damn mind. My poor child. My poor underweight hydrocephalic cup-challenged child who couldn't find his nose with both hands and a flashlight. He deserves so much more. He deserves a mother who knows when something isn't right and calls the doctor right away. A mother who doesn't leave him to be raised by wolves or Noggin or the dustbunnies. A mother who will sit there with some body-part flashcards and GET HIM UP TO SPEED ALREADY.
I glanced through all the paperwork the nurse gave me (potty-training, vaccines, sample college application essay questions) and noticed that Noah was supposed to have a check-up at 15 months. Which he did not. Because I did not know that.
Oh, Jesus. Now they're calling Child Protective Services. Look, he has a scratch on his shoulder. Where did that come from?
I should have cut his fingernails. Maybe I can bite them off.
Noah! Let's sing a song! Look! There's Humpty-Dumpty! Mama will sing for you, my precious!
Seriously. I tried singing to him, like I was trying to cram at the last minute for an exam in parental involvement. Noah let me sing one line and screeeeeched for me to stop, shaking his head no and wailing in misery. I gave up and started fattening him up with Goldfish crackers.
Noah - 18 months
weight - 25 pounds even
height - 33.5 inches
head circumference - 19.5 inches
I've been blessed with a healthy, normal and perfectly average child, and that is damn good enough.
i have to say this, it's in my cnontract....First?
O.k. Yeaaah, I am the first one to post today. I love your blog and I am coming outa the closet for the first time to say I read your blog everyday.
You are right Noah is starting to look more like a little boy and not an infant.
He is darn handsome.
Did I miss something? What's with the picture of Ted from Airplane? It's been several years since my last screening, but I can't remember the connection...am I a big giant nerd for asking that?
Amy the Mom: Noah has a "drinking problem"!
If it makes you feel any better, I do that too. Totally fine and normal but then I catch sight of those white Dr coats or the nurse's shoes and I lose my ever-lovin' mind.
But the kids are still alive and in my care so it must not be too bad. Right?
(sheepishly) Thanks, Frema! Congratulations!
Love the airplane pic. Noah is very handsome boy, and I can't wait to have one of my own. Except, well, one that looks like a clone of my husband not yours, because then family members will be looking for the mailman. I appreciate that you can just be honest and candid about your approach to motherhood, because I don't feel like I'm the only one out there who doesn't think my baby should speak more languages than I do - unless, of course, he can negotiate better prices on things from Cabo San Lucas, in that case, that'll work.
My kid's head circumference? Orange on a toothpick.
OMG Amy... he's even cuter NOW with his "lil man" look instead of "lol boy"! /sigh I miss those days!
OMFG! I cannot stop laughing. Been there. Miss "relaxed" until exam time and I'm sweating bullets thinking I missed a sign! Ha Ha! I love your blog!!!
Regular cup = spills = more work for you. Of course you wouldn't give him a regular cup, you're smart.
He does get cuter every day! Love those jammies!
U r a bad momz! Some1 shuld take ur baby away!!1!
I took my 6 year old in today and I still feel like this. Is she able to do everything asked? Is she up to date on shots? Does she weigh to much? To little? Believe me, it never ends. ((HUGS))
"he's a q-tip!" hahaha...you had me laughing out loud at work prompting me to explain the outburst to my co-workers with something like "oh, the uh, spreadsheet here has a funny little...uh..nevermind."
Damn fine job on a damn fine kid.
My almost 26 month old is 26 lbs, 33.5 inches, and a 19 inch head...so Noah sounds just perfect to me. :)
On Monday, the wee one had 3 doctor appointments. We were gone from 7:30am-5:30pm. I think you would have died from a heart attack, with all those white coats judging you and asking you all sorts of questions. *lol*
WOW, does he look like you in that picture! It's almost like looking at the picture of young Amalah from your header. Freaky cool!
I, too, despise fingerpaints. And glitter. Good job on your check-up, Noah!
Jesus Kuh-riced! Breathe, Amy. Breathe.
And I thought *I* was a spaz...
Use to do this when we went for check ups.
Now that he's a teenager, I I Obsess in my head before parent / teacher crap.
My son's head - cantalope on a pin. Always has been....still is.
you mean a cup without a lid? Ah crap.
I must say, put that giggling Noah photo next to your adorable baby pic and holy mother or Noah!
I must say, put that giggling Noah photo next to your adorable baby pic and holy mother or Noah!
Well I'm impressed quite impressed by his remote fetching skills. Seriously, I can't even get my roommate to find the remote, but Noah can do it by the end credits of Blue's Clues.
He also can pick out his own song to sleep to and knows to give a kiss before going to bed and bonus! He points to me or at least in my general direction when I ask "Where's Heather?" So! He seems pretty kick ass and awesome to me. But of course, I'm biased.
Hell, *I* can barely drink from a cup without spilling!
My oldest son didn't visit the ER till he was 16 and the rope swing broke in the jungle gulch behind our house... o sweet jesus, waiting for my husband to run down there and scope things out and revive him (my son! was! unconscious!) and carry him out of there was the LONGEST FIVE MINUTES OF MY LIFE. I made all kinds of promises to all kinds of deities during those five minutes. Maybe I sold my soul! It was THAT scary.
Of course, he was fine--a mild concussion and a few stitches--but I learned anew how deep and intense my fears are for my kids. Motherhood for neurotics is a long, strange, scary trip, isn't it? But from here, Amy, it sounds like you've got the fundamentals down pat. You're doing a great job, and the proof is right there in your lap, or under the table trolling for Cheerios, or chasing Dogalah around the living room. Noah is perfect... but you already knew that, didn't you? :o) Hugs from Hawai`i...
oh no! we go for Avery's 9 month appointment next week and I am sure she weighs 21 pounds. No lie. She's a fatty compared to Noah's 25--and he is twice her age. Dang it. And they will be in the same grade. If they were at the same school he would probably say "boom boom boom boom" when she walked by him. Or do the truck backing up sound (beep beep beep beep) if she were to ever go in reverse. My poor child!
*crumbles to the floor*
Noah is in good shape. Professional mothers make me want to hit them upside the head with their flashcards. BTW, my 3YO is not much more beyond 25 lbs. Skinny, but healthy and energetic so I don't worry about it. He quit eating at 18 months and hasn't really taken it up again.
No matter when I cut fingernails I always arrive at checkups with a kid with long nails and it always makes me paranoid they think my child is neglected.
Ok, I'm freaking out right now and I'm just sitting on the couch. My son is not yet 10 months old and he is BIGGER than Noah. He exceeds 95th percentile for height and weight and we know those charts are the gospel of good mothering. OHMYGOD, I've got a giant freak baby. He's 28lbs and 32 inches. Oh yeah...and he isn't crawling yet. And even if there's nothing wrong with him at all...I'm still gonna feel guilty about it.
He looks great, Amy. You are clearly doing the important things just right. I second the motion to put that 'little man' picture up by yours. Don't worry, my neice is way, way, WAY behind Noah and she's a bit older, too. No worries, yeah?
I just barely started giving my three year old a cup without a lid, but she's only allowed to use it AT THE TABLE WHILE IN A SITTING POSITION.
ps- Noggin's catchphrase is "Preschool on TV," which makes it alllll ok.
Anna--maybe your big boy and my big girl should get together. :-)
The cup thing? Waaaay overrated. My 17 month old insists she gets to because her older sisters get to drink from a big girl cup at the table.
This means mopping after every freaking meal, and now her feet stick out from under the full-body bib I have her in, so no socks while drinking.
Bleah... try working on it this summer with cups of water in the back yard. Until then, again... BLEAH!
um, did you take the picture of you as a child (from the header on your blog) and photoshop it to have less hair and more boyish clothing.
you did, didn't you?
because i used to think noah looked like jason, but damn.
i'm suspicious. i mean, we all know you're all clever with the computer related things...
that's all i'm saying.
(oh, also saying he's adorable. don't want to forget that part.)
What a great post! I didn't get to the only semi-freaked out stage until the 3rd kid. By this point, I figure that if all 3 are still alive, eat a couple times a day and are relatively clean, I'm not doing too bad. But I still have freak-outs at the doctor's office. Because the body part knowing skills are lacking in this household as well.
What a great post! I didn't get to the only semi-freaked out stage until the 3rd kid. By this point, I figure that if all 3 are still alive, eat a couple times a day and are relatively clean, I'm not doing too bad. But I still have freak-outs at the doctor's office. Because the body part knowing skills are lacking in this household as well.
I TOTALLY had the distended belly fear-mostly because my child eats no vegetables, and seemed to also be knock-kneed. So I was convinced he had rickets. And at the 18 month visit with my only-sort-of-talking child, I was already asking questions about autism. Of course by 2 he had a full vocabulary-I only had to introduce a sibling to spur the talking...
At Michael's 6 month appt., I remembr the nurse asking me if he coughed for attention. Cough for attention, really, that's a milestone?
Oh, and my kid never crawled. The week before his first birthday he stod up and walked. And not the taking little step, he stood up and walked like he always knew how and just didn't want to.
I think milestone charts should be burned. Unless there is obviously a problem, you are good.
my son has always been 95% for height and 25% for weight. I don't want to talk about hwo thin he is anymore. He eats, I promise.
Fingerpaints are awesome! If you get the crayola washables ones. You just strip them down to their diapers and then strap them into their booster/high chair and tape the paper down. I actually only tried it because I thought my kid was the only kid NOT doing it and I thought "no! My child will not be behind the rest of the world with the fingerpainting!" but it turns out very few of our friends are doing it. She loves it though..and it's fairly neat when you tape the paper down and then march their dirty butts right up to the bath afterwards.
But on all the rest of the stuff..been there done that! You do a great job!
No kids (yet?) -- just cats -- so I'll talk about myself. :D I found my baby book the other day and read with great interest the section about things I was supposed to be able to do at certain months. When I mastered something earlier than the book suggested (recommended?) I actually heard myself say, "Yeah!" Like the fact that I could roll over at X months instead of Y months makes me some kind of genius now. Which, of course, it does. :>
This post made me laugh out loud - thanks for sharing! When my son was 18 months old, the pediatrician predicted (based on his measurements that day) that he would be a six-foot-seven, 180 pound adult. Think the gangliest NBA player you've ever seen...
Why would someone on their right mind give a toddler a cup with no lid? Also, the questions? They should be mailed to moms a week before the visit to avoid chronic blinking.
Also, the distended belly? That's what I have.
Are you my clone? I have 4 children, two of which are GROWN, and I'm still the same way. Give me a break - does it ever end?
P.S. He is adorable, handsome and looks perfectly normal to me.
Lucky dog. My girl had her well child visit today. Height: 35.5 inches, Weight: 24.12 pounds
And she just turned 4. Is founder of 'does not like to eat' club.
I think the crazy question thing is a east cost thing. None of my west cost friends ever get asked about blocks or cup drinking.
yes.
See there? See that picture? Just look how unhealthy, how malnourished, how underdeveloped he is. Why would you post such a thing?
What a punkin! You do know they wrote 'PERFECT' all over that chart after you left, huh?
Oh, and he's adorable. I'm pretty sure he gets extra bonus points for that. :-) *squish*
Tee- I do the same thing. Especially with my first, I'd completely panic and then overcompensate by boasting loudly about how great my daughter was while they asked me those questions. Now, at my third? Yeah, the doctor asked me some questions and I had NO IDEA what the answer was. "Can he say 'mama'?" Ummmm...probably? I think so. I dunno, really. I can't even really hear you, doc, over the other 2 kids. "When did he start trying to pull himself to standing?" WHAT??? (while spinning around and seeing him pulling himself up on the doctor's chair...)
I hate those guidelines. I know why they're there, but darn it, they cause so much stress!
I despise those damn question they ask you at the doctors office! "What words does he say?" "Can he use the pincher grasp" or whatever the hell it is! HAHA It's just annoying. My doctors office even asks us EVERY time we go "And who lives with him?" Damn, it's just annoying! Noah is perfect just the way he is! Period!