Shortly after I posted yesterday, Noah and I took a quick jaunt to the pediatrician to confirm what I already knew (double ear infection! yum!), and then headed over to Target to fill the second prescription for him in the span of two days.
(On Sunday Jason went and got him some Baby Zyrtec. Did you know they make Baby Zyrtec? It smells like bubblegum, tastes like asswater and comes swaddled in your choice of a precious little pink or blue hankie.)
(Okay, I am just plain making shit up for no good reason now.)
I figured I'd drop the prescription off, wait a few minutes for it -- perhaps browse the nearby aisles to see if there have been any exciting breakthroughs in my OTC pain-relief options -- and then we'd be back home in no time.
Of course, I arrived right as the pharmacy was closing for lunch, which meant I had at least an hour and a half to kill.
Free time. To kill. In Target. That's like the most expensive prescription co-pay EVER.
TOTALLY REASONABLE THINGS I BOUGHT:
1) Underwear, because honestly. The tags on the ones I currently wear say "The Gap" but I don't think The Gap ever sold split-crotch panties.
2) Cropped lounging-type pants, for I am a fully-certified Professional Lounger.
3) Socks for to be wearing to the Gymboree, because otherwise I'd have to wear the Community Socks.
4) Some shorts for Noah.
AND THAT'S WHERE THINGS WENT TERRIBLY OFF THE RAILS:
5) New changing pad covers! Because I deserve them!
6) Plastic Dora the Explorer placemats! Because...uhh...
7) More sippy cups! Take & Toss bowls! Look how pretty and colorful!
8) A Raffi CD! What! The fuck!
9) A spare copy of Brown Bear, Brown Bear because ours always feels sticky.
10) A sundress for me, because if there's anything I love more than wearing a fabulous outfit, it's wearing a fabulous outfit that I got for $17.99 from Target. Except perhaps wearing it to Target. Oh yeah. That's good stuff.
11) Other miscellaneous stuff that I could not ever live without, except that now I don't remember what any of it was, but the next thing I knew Noah's prescription had been ready for over an hour and I was out more than $200.
Oh, and also a SpongeBob Squarepants ball, because if there is one thing Noah needs, it's another goddamn ball. I can count six...no, seven balls scattered around the living room right now. They're his favorite toy and also his new favorite word. "A BALL!" he says delightedly, even if he's holding two or three.
I realized, though, as we wandered through the toy aisles at Target, that he's actually just calling anything that looks like a toy "a ball."
"A BALL!" (Points at a puzzle.)
"A BALL!" (Points at a stuffed bear.)
"A BALL!" (Points at a plastic lawn chair.)
So I handed him the SpongeBob ball in an effort to TEACH HIM, to make Target shopping EDUCATIONAL, to reinforce what, in fact, A DAMN BALL is.
And of course, he promptly licked it. Naturally.
So while he may not know specifically what A BALL is, he's definitely on to me and my "you lick/gum/chew/smear snot on it, you buy it" rule. I am absolutely unable to put something that Noah has put in his mouth back on the shelf. Especially now, with a double ear infection and five hundred kinds of nastiness leaking out of his head holes.
The thing is, I know that other parents are probably completely okay with putting gummed goods back -- perhaps even this particular SpongeBob ball had been similarly French-kissed by some other toddler -- but...well. We WERE there to get Noah some antibiotics, so I figure it will all balance itself out in the end.
When Jason came home last night I was on the couch, wearing my new sundress with the tags hanging off, surrounded by otherwise unpacked Target bags, eating Ben & Jerry's from the carton. I had the decency to be embarrassed.
"How much did you spend there?" he asked grimly.
I told him, eyes on the floor. Oh my god, I have a problem. I am one of those people.
"Huh. That's exactly what I spent there yesterday." he replied. (THINGS HE BOUGHT: pajamas for Noah, t-shirts for him, photo frames, impulse-buy DVDs, citronella candles, realistic-looking fake flowers for the bathrooms that I accidentally watered already.)
(Oh, and A BALL. Help us.)
Dear God, am I still talking? Jesus. Lemme just post a picture and put us all out of our misery.
Noah: A BALL!
Noah & Jason: Ew. Really?
(Supercute shirt by Ellie's Party, btw.)