The Mean Reds
Thank God y'all are so easy to please...

Title Intentionally Left Blank

Quick. Somebody give me a topic to write about. I am too tired to think of one.

I am so tired. I am so super extra goddamned tired. Noah and Jason are still laid up with really bad colds, which means everyone is cranky and...well, sort of crusty. The snot pours on, my friends.

And then there's this.

Heather is Noah's first and only babysitter. She is our friend. She is a member of our family. We would not have survived the past 18 months or so without her, and now she's moving away and I sort want to throw myself on the ground and wrap my arms around her ankles while wailing don't leeeeeave meeeeee, and then maybe lock her in our basement for awhile. And I mean that in the nicest and most non-creepy-murdery way possible.

But I won't, because I'm happy for her and her awesome new job that will pay her more than I ever made at my old job, but WHATEVER, YOU WHORE. HAVE A NICE LIFE.

(ALSO I SAVED THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF HOUSE FOR YOU. DO YOU NEED ME TO SAVE AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL TOO?)

Anyway. I am still kind of blue and unsettled. Noah's throwing a million tantrums a day, probably because he feels like shit and isn't sleeping well either, but after the 999,999th hissyfit of the day my sympathy is ALL TAPPED OUT.  Seriously, son. An inability to get the fridge magnets lined up precisely to your liking is no reason to get all freaking nuclear and screamy.

Honestly, it's like he's learned NOTHING from all those episodes of Blue's Clues. Metacognition, my ass.

(DEAR HEATHER, ARE YOU FREE ON SATURDAY?)

(PS. Dead serious about the call for topics. Is hard to write interesting things when the only drama in your life is that there are only four tissues left and three hours before Jason gets home with more tissues and the beep.beep.beep.beep. clock sound from 24 is stuck in your head because dude, what if you run out of tissues? WHAT THEN? And then you remember that you could maybe use baby wipes or toilet paper or even a paper towel and you have plenty of those, so on second thought it's not very dramatic at all and maybe you should just chill the fuck out.)

(PPS. Someone is outside with a weedwhacker about three inches from my house, and I swear to God if they wake that child up from his nap I am going to go out there and whack them with this roll of paper towels.)

Comments

Missie

I feeeeeel for you, sister.

During the last month we have had:

4 people with stomach flu (including one husband who passed out in an alley after pulling over very quickly in order to throw up)

4 people with colds, including 2 children with DOUBLE EAR INFECTIONS at the same time (did I mention one was a toddler? A TODDLER???OH THE HORROR!)

1 person with a severe cold not related to the above colds.

1 person (ME) with a neck problem that caused extreme pain during every movement or every thought of movement, which would be no problem except said person is responsible for above mentioned sick toddler whom she has to pick up 7492 times a day.

So, feelin for ya, girl. FEEEEELIN FOR YA.

p.s. I want Heather on Saturday, too.

heidi

weed wackers suck.

Christina

How about you tell us how your on the sly nursery switch-a-roo turned out? Last you left us the changing table was stuck in the hall...

mswas

the tire! update us on the tire, for the love of everything holy!


Mary

Possible topic (including for a photo essay if necessasry!): Other shoes you bought at DSW. I know there are more. So tell us about them, already!!

Signed,
Your secret BFF in Raleigh

kel.

Oops. Sorry for the typo earlier.

Boss walked by, had to hit Post. Ferserious!

Lisa

How about a photo essay post on the house? More pictures now that you are all settled in?

I want a new house, so since I cannot have one (yet) I love looking at other people's.

dregina

Did you ever babysit? Stories of Amalah the babysitter, I'm sure, would fit the bill.......

Cagey

For different reasons owing primarily to her flakiness, I have voted our babysitter out of the tribe and am now on the hunt for a new babysitter. Cousin J was also my son's first and only babysitter. He LOVES her, so this makes the decision even harder, but I need someone reliable.

Also, I am glad I am not the only one will with rage at the folks who insist on making insane amounts of noise between the sacred hours of 2-4. Have a heart, Tinman!

obabe

I never realized why my kids would freak out when I'd wipe their crusty faces with diaper wipes till I used one myself to blow my nose- they leave your face all wet and gross like. Go for the TP before the paper towel.

Amy M

Sorry to hear about the mucous ickiness.

How about a tissue review? Puffs vs. Kleenex Smackdown :)

Topic: Your animals. Mine is getting far less attention than he used to pre-baby, but is still a source of constant amusement.

Or about what mysteriously happened to your neighbor's weed whacker one day...

Lori

Wait till the ice cream man makes a swing through your neighborhood at naptime and then comes and shoots the survivors at dinner time.
For years, we told our kids that it was just a music truck. In our nice new neighborhood, they learned that overpriced, freezer-burned chunks o' sugar water could be dispensed from the Music Truck.
I don't think they've trusted me since.

jodi

Whenever they say that before on episode of blues clues I think what is megacognition.

Hey, I have a two year old boy and live not that far from you. Want to start some kind of baby sitting exchange thingie? Or a playdate?

Sarah (In the Trenches of Mommyhood)

Funny post! And now I have that beep beep beep beep from 24 stuck in my head...
And when my kids have colds, I somehow end up with the crusties and gobs all over me. Sweet.

Sadie

Can you write about how you feel about a second baby? I know you mentioned trying again on CLubMom but it might be interesting to hear about your feelings/fears/et cetera...

One of the Amy's

It sucks to be happy and sad at the same time.

You could, you know, let us know how the tire is? Is it in the basement all Silence of the Lambs-like? Do you send food down with a bucket on a string?

LizPres

Maybe something about how you feel to have a husband that loves food so much --- do you love food the same way, do you ever just want a hot dog and he wants fancy food, is it always a blessing? I dunno --- maybe there is nothing to talk about in having a husband that loves good food. Maybe you could talk about how Ben & Jerry's Mint Chocolate Chunk is only available in their stores, instead of everywhere? Perhaps I'm the only one obsessed with that ...

Nette

You never did finish the Many Loves of Amalah. And that's been forever now.

Leah

Use your sleeve! Or Noah's sleeve! Or Heather's sleeve! She won't mind because she's nice like that and she TOTALLY OWES YOU.

Heather

A chick pea is neither a chick nor a pea.

Discuss.

Marie

Hope everyone's feeling better soon. And that you get some freaking tissues STAT! Doesn't someone out there realize that there's a niche market out there for a tissue delivery service? (I'd like it if they'd bring milk and bananas too. And Ben & Jerry's... And the occasional dark chocolate Dove candy bar. But that's just me.)

Topics... how about the new neighborhood/town. Is it too soon to piss off the new neighbors? Any juicy buzz? How's the library? Good new take-out places? Movies you've watched lately? Noah's favorite videos/shows?

Andy

Maybe you could write about...your writing. The life of a freelancer, the process of hiding your innate wit and cleverness while turning out prose on whatever subject you've been hired to write about, how you approach your assignments, etc. Not so much a how-to for aspiring writers as little bits of insight into how you work. You're a mom and wife, obviously, and that's properly a huge part of your identity, but you're also an excellent writer, so tell us about that.

Mel

What brand of paper towel do you prefer? I'm a Viva gal myself. They're soft!

Do you have one of those under the cabinet paper towel holder thingies or one that sits on a counter? My husband and I have been battling for 8 goddamn years over that stupid paper towel holder. He is of the belief that under the cabinet works better because you can grab a handful of towel in a hurry, rip it off, and not worry about a 50lb holder flying off of the counter and whacking the dog in the head. Whatevah. I am of the belief that under cabinet holder thingies are tacky. I'm winning so far.

Miranda

I think you need to weigh in on this cycle of America's Next Top Model. This is easily the craziest batch of ho's in ANTM history, and that's including Jade and her "Thank you for believing in me, Tyra" insanity. What about Jasline and all of her drag queeny glory? And why aren't the girls doing more runway with Miss J like they did in previous cycles? HUH? WHY?!

Kyla

I can comisserate. My wee one is sick (I thought the fever was done with yesterday, but BAM...it made a comeback this afternoon). She has sensory issues, so when she gets sick it turns into a food/drink refusing gagfest and you can imagine how that ends. If you can't imagine how it ends, I'll tell you...dehydration and IV fluids in the hospital. Blech! I don't think it will get that bad this time, but it feels like this black cloud over my head.

chirky

I saw this question on someone's site recently, though I don't remember where. It seems totally appropriate for you today:

If you HAD to choose between (A) a large bald man with psychopathic tendencies or (B) a large hairy man with sociopathic tendencies, which would you choose and why?

Neena

I wish I could make Noah and Jason feel better. Or at least Noah better...Jason's a big boy and can take care of himself.

Why don't you and Jason do a little blog swap for an entry? You can write about some amazing meal you had (complete with diaper ratings), and Jason can talk about the tire...or can write another sickeningly sweet post about how much he loves Noah, or how he's run out of topics because he's eaten at ALL of the restaurants in the DC metro area. Yea, right, like that last one will happen!

Fairly Odd Mother

Lori's comment about the ice cream truck being the 'music truck' still has me chuckling. Amy, surely you have some 'innocent lies' you have told Noah, or at least plan to as he gets older. I just told my 2 1/2 year old my boobs were 'broken' so that he wouldn't try to nurse anymore. Hey, whateva works.

Y from the Internet

I think you should write about BEEFLOGS.

Meepers

Bummer about Heather. (She's such a crack-up...I love her blog) Perhaps you could chronicle the trials of finding a new one? Or do a continued photo set on your hair? Or do Noahs' hair pink as well?

Def. more Ceiba and Max. I miss them and they are....much cuteness.

Missie

I was first, I was first!

It's my birthday, it's my birthday!

(okay, not really, but I had to make some kind of comment about being first because it's somewhere in the rules for the WeLoveAmalah fan club bylaws that we all have to sign in blood. I think.)

Pam

I am so sorry about Weedwacker Man. In our neighborhood, MY VERY OWN HUSBAND is "that" neighbor - the one who's out at the butt-crack of dawn making hideously loud noises in the garage and yard. I always feel like I should go around with a plate of cookies to all our nieghbors afterwards, apologizing and begging them to please don't hate ME.

I hope he whacks his foot, for your sake (and Noah's.)

Heather B.

Here's a topic idea:

What's worse to deal with when one has a hangover: An 18 month old? Or a full day at the office and a BONUS trip to the Social Security Administration?

Discuss.

In all seriousness though, you, Jason and Noah have been a pleasure. Like I said, having to leave you all is one of the hardest things about this move.
And I'd say more but, Dude, this fucking hangover. Ugh.

Also: Yes, I will need ANTM and House and yes I am available Saturday. Actually, I must confess I mostly babysit for the cable and tivo.

JSauce

What IS IT with the Weedwhacker Man and his ridiculous hours of service? There is a Weedwhacker Man at my house who apparently can only whack during the hours of 7:30 to 8:00am on a SUNDAY. Asshat!

Topics...hmm. Yeah. If you come up with any, seriously, share. My blog well is running dry!!

Starbuck

Colds stink. Sorry your house has them. I know you love Shower Soothers. Maybe they would help.

As for topics, there were some good ones. I especially liked swapping with Jason. What is fatherhood like from his perspective? What is it like to be married to the Queen of Everything?

Gotta run -- Soccer practice calls.

Feel better soon, Storches!!

Tessa

Amalah!!!! This is an honest and sincere request. I'd love to read your thoughts on the advantages/disadvantages of home schooling. I know Noah is a bit young yet but its a subject I never tire of heh. I'm weird.. I know

Kirsten McCrann

I agree with your earlier theory that there must be something in the air. I spent the day trying to keep my 9 month old from using my shoulder as a chew toy ( and not losing my paitence while doing so) and consoling her as her two top middle teeth come in, and alternately bursting into tears out of a combination of severe sleep deprivation and recovering from spending a weekend with my Mom (ie ruminating through all my Mom's unintentional jabs at my parenting skills). I have no legitimate reason to be so down, there are obviously other people in the world with far worse problems than me, but I am anyway, can't help it. Like I said, must be something in the air. Don't feel pressured to write about anything, just enjoy the sweet silence of your child napping...

Oh, and I like to use wet washcloths in lieu of tissues. Just leave them next to the sink and re-rinse them all day, cuts down on the chafing too.

MK

Show us more pictures of the house.... and of Noah's new room all put together....

HOpe life gets better and healthier! hugs!

HollowSquirrel

Damn, I wish Heather read my blawg cuz we need a babysitter here in Albany! But will she want to babysit with her bigwig new job? Damn... I'll never get a date with my husband. We do have cable and Tivo just sayin...

Topics to discuss: Shear Genius-- anybody watching? I'm addicted. Hustle--back on AMC or is it Bravo? Whatever. Set up a season pass. Also: what's with all the friggin pretentious accents on these shows? Maybe because they remind me of the nutjob that my father in law married. And another topic: inappropriate and awkward online begging for babysitters.

Caroline

In my historical journey through the Life & Times of Amalah, Queen Of Everything, I have most enjoyed your bizarre stream-of-consciousness/meme lists, and your Top 10 lists. Lists! Lists! What is it about your lists? I dunno, but I want more.

I'd like to see a Top 10 list of your Very Favorite Presents, Ever. The ones you've gotten from Jason/other folks who worship you... and yes, the ones you've given, to anybody. From $ to $$$$$.

Because it will make me laugh, I'd like to see a list of your own "How To Write" freelancer's secrets... anything that has to do with inspiration, motivation, self-discipline, phhhhbbbtt, etc.

A list of your all-time favorite dining experiences... both high- and low-brow.

Also: a photo essay of Your Favorite Accessories. Doesn't THAT sound like fun?

I am so so sorry about Babysitterlah. She's moving to ALBANY?!! I grew up 50 miles north of there, and brrrrrr. Better have Max knit her a scarf before she leaves.

jonniker

Music! Write about music, because damn, I can't get enough of discussing it lately. I mean, I knew you were a big fan of Carbon Leaf and all, but do you have time to listen to anything anymore?

Also, I could be plied with a shoe photo essay. I like that idea. Ooh ooh - and handbags. But this is Smackdown territory, I know.

(Also, Adam has bronchitis. I love him - really, I do, like a whole lot - but when he's Sicky McSickpants, I'd like to beat him over the head with a summer sausage. I feel for you.)

MommyMixer Mary

You are cracking me up - first time to read your blog and I am hooked. Check out my little biz soon to be in 30 ciites.... come find a new Heather - I know it will be hard but there plenty of heathers for everyone!

www.mommymixer.com

aimee/greeblemonkey

Yup. We are in Tissueville too. In fact, I have been thinking about a post called "Ode to Sinus Rinse."

Heidi T

I understand about babysitters. My babysitter (a teenage boy by the way) is awesome and the last time I left him home with my kids (4 hours), he cleaned both of their rooms and carried all of my groceries in from the car.

Anyway, about topics, how about talking about what you most look forward to right now. (Except for the noses to stop running). Or tell us more about what you were like as a teenager. Talk about how your views about children have changed since you had Noah.

Maria

I hope your boys are feeling better soon.

Suggestions
1) Tire status
2) Where in your new home is decal Max?
3) Food confessions: What is your secret, comfort food indulgence that you are embarassed to admit because some may find it disgusting?
4) Discuss eateries/restaurants that you are embarassed to tell people are on your short list of favorite places to eat.

Linda

Can you bring your roll of paper towels to my house? Feel free to wack the neighborhood kids on the head with them-I'm so tired of hearing AAAAAAAAAAAAA A DOG every single time I let my two out to play.

Jamie

Gimme a T!

Gimme an I!

Gimme an R!

Gimme an E!

What's that spell?

Topic!

Jamie

On a more serious note, you could be like, totally the Seinfeld of bloggers and have the funniest blog about nothing.

Tanya

So does this mean you're shopping for a new babysitter? (Though I'm now imagining shelves in the grocery store lined with babysitters in bulk...)

Mell

Not a big commenter (obviously, as this is the first time I’ve posted one here to you – but I read it ALL the time), but I am gushing to everyone I know with boys about the most awesomeous toy ever. It’s seriously the best $10 I have spent in a very, very long time. Once your boys (and I include Jason in on this because, quite frankly, he’ll be inviting his buddies over to try it out as well) feel a bit better and are able to withstand the outside air again in their sickly lungs this will be fodder for your camera at the very least. Now, the box says for 5+ years – and don’t think poorly of me – but my son is under 5 and handles it just fine. No small parts to inhale and I swear the nerf-ish rockets won’t fit up the nose. A bit of parental supervision and you’re good to go.
Air Hogs Scream’n Stream’n Rocket
http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/sr=1-3/qid=1176997930/ref=sr_1_3/602-0161926-9867003?ie=UTF8&asin=B000EGH0FS
Anyway, try it out if you want. It’s good and worth hours and hours of fun.

Wacky Mommy

"An inability to get the fridge magnets lined up precisely to your liking is no reason to get all freaking nuclear and screamy."

heh heh heh. and I thought it was just my kids! Our meltdown this week? Capsters. Don't buy them when Noah gets older. You glue pictures and toys and teeny-weeny googly eyes inside bottle caps and they must. be. exactly. PERFECT! or "You're doing it WRONG, Mom! Aiii!!!" etc.

Go take some more fabu pictures, snot and all. "Look! Am squirrel! Haaaaa!" http://www.amalah.com/amalah/2005/12/hey_yall_noah_h.html

(also you could throw all this stuff into categories so I don't have to dig for 20 minutes to find MY FAVORITE POST EVER! I love those pictures, and the captions were hilarious.)

Wacky Mommy

also, you never did give us the narration by your boobs. maybe today is the day!

AmyM

Right there with you, X 3. Make that times 4, because my computer had a virus that took Tech Support a week to find. I can't even enjoy the nice weather because the sick kids can't go outside and all the sunshine is doing is spotlighting how messy the house is. Dammit dammit dammit. I'm going to fucking cry now. Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone in my misery.

Hillarie

Sometimes the ordinary is extraordinary. Want to get out of the house, this is going on in Kensington where I live:

http://www.dayofthebook.com/

Here is another super cute thing to do: earthworms and boys what a match!

http://www.rockvillemd.gov/croydoncreek/calendar.htm

PaintingChef

I have 12 cases of tissues because Patrick works for tissue making company. I will PAY YOU to free them from my upstairs closet.

Seriously. 12 CASES. With like 48 boxes IN A CASE. Now I quit doing math once I graduated from college but I'm pretty that adds up to a lot of damn kleenex.

wordnerd

Umm, Alec Baldwin's parenting skillz?

lizneust

The foodstuffs you moved from A to B that are still sitting in the fridge/pantry/basement/wherever that you will NEVER use.

(Not that I've ever done this, of course. I'm jes curious is all.)

BOSSY

Topic: Paper towel waste.

Amanda

I would love to hear more about your experience with an eating disorder and how you came through that and how your body image has been affected after having a baby, etc. I know it's kind of a heavy, personal topic so feel free to decline, but I have been there and always am interested to hear about others' experiences with it.

Nic

This rash of mindless shootings. Hate to be a downer but it's on my mind.

Cee

Just too cute and funnier than that gross out cookbook in archieves past....
http://kalecoauto.com/index.php?main_page=index

JSauce

Okay, it's not Pulitzer material, but it's damn entertaining - I'm now ranting about random crap and giving it a name. The Dub 5! Yay! Come play. I would post Dub 5's past from colleague emails, but that would be long, and not as fun.

Mary

I'm just wondering what's with that little yellow ad that just shot out of nowhere to land in the center of your page... that was all kinds of strange and annoying.

Mallory

Here is a topic: how does a woman who becomes a mom, not completely lose herself in her new role? It seems to happen over and over. You seem to be managing to still be Amy and not just Noah's mom. Is it a struggle? Any advice?

Zu

When you run out of Kleenex? The best substitute is your husband's plain white t-shirts. Not hard like paper towels, not slimy like baby wipes, not thin like toilet paper. Big enough for many snot rockets. And as absolutely gross as a giant handkerchief sounds, it's better than nothing. They have saved my kids noses on more than one occasion and they're cheap enought to replace every now and then when you're desperate for booger catchers.

Grace

This is totally off topic from all the other comments, but thank you, thank you, thank you about the line on the million tantrums a day. My 12 month old son starting doing that THIS week and I was (in my sleep-deprieved, guilt-ridden mommy brain) convinced it was because I'm a bad mama. "I could have gone from beautifuly anticipaiting his every need to this..." If you don't mind, I'm totally linking to this post right now... :-) Hope the weekend is better for ya.

Liz

I agree with Christina. I'm still imagining that dresser stuck in the doorway.

THE BEE

Hi Amy,
I wonder if you or your readers could offer me some help. I live in Bethesda Maryland and need to get my wisdom teeth out without paying 2 arms and legs. Does anyone have a good oral surgeon that does not cost a fortune?
Also, I hope your guys feel better soon.My sister has a 2 yr old who has started to throw many baby related tantrums a day. She is not very verbal so she tends to point to her doll and scream. It is very unerving reports my sister. I wish I had an answer for you except that they get older and do far worse things . take care, the bee

Amalah

Mary - Sounds like you might have some spyware/adware? My ads are all non-jumpy and non-pop-uppy.

Lisa M

The tire. Definitely the tire! And here's to hoping you survive the weekend ;)

warcrygirl

It could be worse, you could be dealing with copious amounts of vomit and/or diarreah. I totally mispelled that and I DON'T CARE because I'm crampy. I just bought a new camera, a Nikon D70. Tell me about your camera and stuff. And dude, tissues? That's what long sleeves are for.

warcrygirl

Oh yeah, I forgot to add: get yourself some Mucinex. It works.

Black Belt Mama

My little one is sick too. There is nothing worse than a sick 18 month old. I am completely FRIED. If you feel like a road trip, we can put the two of them in a room, have a drink (or eight), and let them watch "Melmo" or "Blue-Blue" while we bang our heads on the wall.

cce

You could fall back on the good old self-interview which I invented one day while suffering from exhaustion and the Ebola virus. It's really a freeing format that allows you to expound on things like the state of your colon and how coincidental you think your husband business trips are when repeatedly scheduled for school vacations and weeks with the Ebola virus.

AmyM

You could always go back on Clomid...that makes things interesting.

Suburban Turmoil

Ohmylawd, the last paragraph? About whacking the person making noise outside? I TOTALLY IDENTIFY! I have spent far too much time imagining all sorts of torturous punishments for the landscapers/noisy neighbors/UPS guys with their radios at full blast who dare to MAKE NOISE while my child is TRYING TO SLEEP.

Laura

Today when my son was napping... it thundered. Now, normally I'm all up for a good thunderstoom, but this child had gotten up 2 hours early, spent the morning in tantrums and tears... and then the weather has the nerve to be stormy?

Ok, so I know it was in mother nature's hands...but still, cut me some slack?

I get the keep it quiet during naptime aka precious sacred time to do your own thing. :)

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