Mugging like a cup of coffee
a BALL! a BALL! BALL BALL BALL etc.

Blogzillas

Last night I attended my very first book-launch party. No, I did not write a book. Someone else wrote a book. And then someone else decided that inviting social dorkwad idiots like myself to the launch party  was a good idea. (Bloggers. We're ruining ALL the best parties these days.)

So. Let's recap the evening, shall we?

5:00 pm Okay. Jason will be home in a half hour to drive me to party. And pick up Bunny, who I am dragging as my plus-one. Plenty of time to put on pretty new dress, some makeup and pull hair into easy half-up, half-down, pulled-back-bangs look.

5:01 Notice red scaly patch of eczema-like rash on cheek. Random! Weird! Apply lotion and plug in curling iron.

5:04 Remember to turn curling iron ON. Whore.

5:05 Notice red scaly patch on cheek has morphed into some kind of angry red hive. Itchy. Ignore.

5:06 Start curling hair. Achieve perfect half-up, half-down, pulled-back-bangs style on first try.

5:07 Remember dress has to go over head. Dammit.

5:10 Notice hives all over neck and chest. Dying? Ignore.

5:20 Hair not cooperating. Each attempt at half-up, half-down, pulled-back-bangs style getting poofier and ridculouslier than the last.

5:21 Apply makeup. Hive on cheek practically glowing in dark and developing opposable thumbs.

5:28 Put on awesome shoes that Bunny patiently approved on Monday's playdate when I carted eight pairs of shoes into living room and made her see how each and every pair looked with pretty new dress, which I also made her approve at the store. Wonder if I maybe get on her nerves a little bit ever.

5:30 Check on Noah, who has wandered away from the television and is in the backyard. Bad television babysitter, bad!

5:34 Jason arrives. Collect child from backyard, purse from under couch, head out to car, trip and eat it on the pavement.

5:45 Pick up Bunny, who emerges wearing a perfectly executed half-up, half-down, pulled-back-bangs hairstyle. Whore.

6:00 Arrive at party, which is taking place at Ralph Lauren. As in, Ralph Lauren The Store. Where there are clothes. Expensive clothes I cannot afford.

6:01 Expensive clothes I cannot afford + me + high heels + wine + social dorkwadocity = oh, fuck.

6:02 Wine.

6:03 Bunny and I cower in corner by some polo shirts.

6:05 We discuss what kind of reaction we'd get if we each grabbed a nearby mannequin and made them fight each other.

6:10 Wine.

6:11 Oh look! There's champagne! Can I have that too?

6:15 We notice two girls hovering nearby and wonder if we could try to make friends.

6:16 "But what do you say?" Bunny wonders. "Hi! Wanna hold hands? Wanna make out? DO YOU LIKE MY SHOES CIRCLE YES OR NO?"

6:20 The girls wander away, probably to talk about the two snobby girls by the polo shirts.

6:22 Catch glimpse of legs in mirror, count fourteen bruises in about three seconds. Sexy.

6:23 Red hive on cheek still there, is now walking upright and upgrading my RAM.

6:30 We decide to wander into the back room where the author is signing books.

6:31 We back out of the room in terror, since it appears the party has been segregated into the Thinnest and Most Gorgeous Women Ever Who Also Wear Chanel Couture and...the rest of us.

6:33 Bunny asks me to explain for the millionth time how exactly I got us invited to this?

6:35 Whatever. The front room is where all the wine is.

6:36 It occurs to me that I may be the only person eating the twee and delicious bite-sized hors d'ourves, and also that I am okay with this.

6:37 - 7:59 Wiiine. Blleee! Blooog! Shooes. Sssbaby. Talk talk talkity am brilliant witty thin. Also probably can fly. Wheee!

8:00 Party over. Gift bags. Bunny and I head out to go eat some damn pasta and cheesecake. I think I cry at some point over something. Possibly when there is no more cheesecake. Hail cab, sucessfully navigate our drunk asses home.

7:30 am Wake up, filled with vague sense of a headache and that I embarassed myself in front of the wife of the guy from the Thievery Corporation because she's probably a little sick to death of the goddamn Garden State soundtrack, and also that I accidentally gave the cab driver bad directions back to Wisconsin Avenue. I hope he is okay.

Edited to add: Hey look!

Retouched

Sunglasses. On the top of my head. ALLNIGHTLONG.

Comments

quinn

"Also probably can fly."
I may have just choked on my cheese and crackers.

Not that I've been there, done that or anything.

bexala

6:23 Red hive on cheek still there, is now walking upright and upgrading my RAM.

Brilliance. Sheer brilliance, well except for the hiveyness.

Cindy

Honestly. How did you get so effing hilarious? I'm wiping the tears away as I type (which is hard to do, by the way).

I really thought I was the only one who was socially awkward at stuff like that. I'm sorry that you are, too, but so glad I'm not ALONE!!!

P.S. Book looks great! Have put in my ever-expanding Amazon.com shopping cart.

Spring

Ugh. Where would we bloggers be without alcohol?

Amyyyyyyyyyy

I think I might have fallen in love with Bunny.

heidi

best? post? ever? can we get a pic of a typical "perfect half-up, half-down, pulled-back-bangs style"? i just can't picture it.

Jessie

I can never get that hairstyle right. Even when I think I do, I then see photos of me afterward and it looks horrible. Note to self: remember that is not a good look for me, even though it looks totally awesome on everyone else.

JSauce

Lol, I did that this morning, I had a really cute outfit picked out, and did my updo with the pulled back/poofed up bang look with sheer brilliance, then realized that really tight necked shirts don't go over sleek hairdo's well. Blast ye, vile shirt.

Procrastamom

Must know WHAT WAS IN THE GIFT BAGS ?!!

Also, have hives since receded?

Nothing But Bonfires

I would like more elaboration on these gift bags, please! As in, The Contents Thereof. Very small Ralph Lauren polo shirts? Twee keyring that you'll use anyway, since it has a RL label and maybe now people will think you shop there? (Uh, why yes, I do have a Moo Roo keyring! How funny you should ask!) Cheese? Bread? Pecans? I once got all three from a gift bag on the same night. Talk about a score.

Sarah

But the hives! What was up with the HIVES??!

One of the Amy's

Holy. Hilarious.

Dying to know what was in the gift bag. And, hello - pictures...of the dress and the SHOES! MUST SEE THE SHOES!!!!

Amalah

Gift bag contents: a RL Black Label catalog (riiight), a copy of Town & Country (okaaay), and a full-size bottle of RL Pure Turquoise perfume (whee!!). But also! Let us not overlook the RL shopping bag itself, which is the perfect snotty-lunch-bag size and I will treasure it forever.

I have no idea what was up with the hives. Nerves? The spot on my cheek is back to its dormant eczema-like state today, and I am leaving it be, for I am sore afraid.

BabsieD

What utter, complete nonesense, that.
1.) You looked fabulous.
2.) I saw no bruises.
3.) You made friends. You met fans. You were photographed. You were a rock star.

Am working on getting you the "get over the scary room" shot right now for you to post...

SO VERY GLAD you came!!!

BabsieD

What utter, complete nonsense, that.
1.) You looked fabulous.
2.) I saw no bruises.
3.) You made friends. You met fans. You were photographed. You were a rock star.

Am working on getting you the "get over the scary room" shot right now for you to post...

SO VERY GLAD you came!!!

BabsieD

Sorry, was trying not to look like a heel with the typo...

tracey

It's true: I am stunningly gorgeous and fantastically funny with just 2 glasses of wine. IT'S MAGIC!

LLD

Headache shmeadache - let's hear more about the gift bags !! :)

Karla

This is like the funniest thing I have ever read in my whole entire life.

Karla

This is like the funniest thing I have ever read in my whole entire life.

christina

I think it's so funny that you ignored the hives.

tiffany

i may have peed a little bit when your hives upgraded your RAM.
sweet goddamn, woman. you are a very funny lady.

and, if your sunglasses had to be on top of your head all night, at least you know they are fabulous sunglasses.

they also looked cute on noah the other day.

Aimee

I HEART that dress. Love that color. So cute.

Also, I third, forth, fifth the "what the hell was in the gift bag, already?!" comments. :D

Starbuck

I have had no wine in ages -- in fact no liquor since March. I feel a bit sad. But I did have a Baby Fat with cheese, onion rings and a banana shake for lunch. Oh -- I got samples from Sephora, too. (Caudalie Energizing Cream and Energizing Fluid, in case you were wondering.)


warcrygirl

Hey, can I borrow your hive? I need someone to cut my grass.

Tirzah

Ok, so I figured out that it's a manaquin behind your head, but at first I thought holy hell woman, you call that an updo?! HAHA It's ok Amy, I know you have more sense of style than THAT! Especially since it's WAY lighter than your hair. I found it quite funny though.

DaisyCake

is that Bunny on the right (your left)?

seeing the woman on your rights (our left) bellybutton made me giggle. As did your whole post.

anonymous

I love the dress. Where can I buy it?

Michelle

Is that Norah Odonnell with you in that picture? I love her - you are so living the fabulous life hives and all!!

Michelle

Is that Norah Odonnell with you in that picture? I love her - you are so living the fabulous life hives and all!!

Heather B.

You met Geoff Tracey's wife???

Also, Bunny, looking hot as usual.

Oh and can I join y'all for a playdate? Please.

Kyla

You and Bunny looked super cute! :) Wine is the cure for everything. It even takes care of hives that walk upright and upgrade your RAM...after its done upgrading the RAM, because who wants to interrupt that?

Your comment box is backtalking me...some mumbo jumbo about proxy something or other. Could you have your hives fix that?

Sprengblingbling

The next time you execute the hair half-up/half-down thingy could you please take a photo and post instructions?

Also, they just had one of those "do or don't" polls in US Weekly or Glamor (I forget which) that was "Sunglasses as a headband" and 80% said Do. So you are totally a trendsetter!

Maria

You both look gorgeous!

My solution to the hair dilemma is to have short hair. But, you might not want to try it unless you want to hear Jason call you little boy like my husband does.

Marie

Oooooh! It was worth it for the gift bag, no?

You look lovely... don't even see the hives!

cce

Couldn't make out that hive in the pic, I'm sure no one noticed. You looked fab.
And as for this line.."the party has been segregated into the Thinnest and Most Gorgeous Women Ever Who Also Wear Chanel Couture and...the rest of us."
Too funny. As me and my college roommates used to say after spending an evening with same thin gorgeuos girls in expensive clothes who all had eating disorders and were afraid to move for fear of breaking a nail, "I'd rather be fat and cool."

Erin

Haa! Your dress is about too cute! I know I can't actually see the whole thing but whatever I'm OK with that.. so where can I find one??

Amy

I Love love LOVE that dress! Where did you get it??!
Must see pic of shoes.

Also, when Heather leaves you, I'll volunteer to be your new babysitter!! :)

Jamie

The button on her timer popped, it's time to take it out of the oven now...

LaLa

Yep. I thought you had a beehive type thing going on.

Once I had established that that is in fact the top of someone elses head i was able to relax...

Erica

Mega-huge sunglasses are the "it" thing in FLA right now and everyone leaves them on their head. In fact, I left mine on my head through the Killers concert (at night) a few weeks ago along with about 50 other girls. We weren't going for a Corey Hart tribute - it's just damn hot and sunny here all the time. Also - everyone wears flip flops all the time... no need to be tripped up by damn heels!

Amalah

Aw, you guys are so nice.

The dress is BCBG Max Azria. They have one of those annoying flash sites that won't let me link to it, but it's there somewhere. Not that there's a whole lot else to see. Is pretty short.

The shoes were leopard-print peep-toe ankle-strap d'Orsays. Good lord, but that's a lot of hyphens.

Xdm

I got that invite, as I'm friends with (one of the other hostesses.)The bitch on the cover witht the bugaboo pissed me off so much that I boycotted. That, and I'm in Arlington and didn't feel like making the trip. SOrry to miss you and your scaly patch.

Sarah (In the Trenches of Mommyhood)

You had me snorting out loud by 6:23.

paintingchef

Does your invisible hive do windows? Because I've bribed Patrick as much as I can, only half of them are clean and spring cleaning is fast becoming "Good god woman. You live in filth."

aimee/greeblemonkey

I would have loved to be a fly on the wall (with a tiny margarita) watching all that.

Flo-Queen of the Bad Mommies

LOVE you. Love, love, love. So funny. Love.

Now, I will stop gushing.

Glad you had a good time and drank lots.

KJ

Awesome! You looked great!

I was at a book signing thing on Tuesday night too. For Jen Lancaster's new book.

And I pretty much shouldn't be allowed out in public.

psumommy

Ok, I laughed so hard through this that my husband insisted on reading as well, and you made HIM laugh, too.

I'd so very be right there, hiding amongst the clothes...

Y from the Internet

I love your dress. You look so precious.

I miss you, BEEFLOG. Check your voicemail.

kathy

So what did you say to Norah about having twins? Please tell me it was something like ;Aren't you TERRIFIED of having two at the same time?' or maybe 'Oh my god, I'm praying for you?'

Wacky Mommy

loved this: 6:16 "But what do you say?" Bunny wonders. "Hi! Wanna hold hands? Wanna make out? DO YOU LIKE MY SHOES CIRCLE YES OR NO?"

My relationship with women has changed so much since I got married. Glad to know I am not the only one. Ha. I knew my relationship with my, uh, boyfriends would change. (Make that: become non-existent, just in case my husband is reading comments.) But the girlfriends part surprised me.

Nery

OMG... you always make me laugh...

Miss Britt

Yes! I knew it!

Sunglasses on head ARE the new Couture.

Mary Tsao

Cute dress! I've always wanted a headband made out of sunglasses except I'm not sure why they would be different from just wearing sunglasses.

Anyway, you look cute! Can't see the rash from here and I have a very good monitor.

ecogrrl

Could not stop laughing at this post...I have not read the other comments, so it is possible that I am repeating other people who actually commented on time (bad me!), but this is such a Bridgit Jones post. Thank you for reminding me that I can still laugh until I cry.

Jan

I had to write and let you know that we have the "creeping crud" as we call it, in my family as well. The lovely red spots can turn into really bad places that can actually bleed. But I have a miracle cure for you. A couple of years ago I discovered Lidex cream. It's only available by prescription, but, I assure you, it is miraculous. Like, next day miraculous. If you decide to try it, DO NOT get the generic. It is greasy and useless. The real Lidex cream is white and creamy. Please try it - I think it will really help you.

BOSSY

You looked adorable - but it's the hive growing in the lady's belly next to you that has Bossy concerned.

fun recap!

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