Last night I attended my very first book-launch party. No, I did not write a book. Someone else wrote a book. And then someone else decided that inviting social dorkwad idiots like myself to the launch party was a good idea. (Bloggers. We're ruining ALL the best parties these days.)
So. Let's recap the evening, shall we?
5:00 pm Okay. Jason will be home in a half hour to drive me to party. And pick up Bunny, who I am dragging as my plus-one. Plenty of time to put on pretty new dress, some makeup and pull hair into easy half-up, half-down, pulled-back-bangs look.
5:01 Notice red scaly patch of eczema-like rash on cheek. Random! Weird! Apply lotion and plug in curling iron.
5:04 Remember to turn curling iron ON. Whore.
5:05 Notice red scaly patch on cheek has morphed into some kind of angry red hive. Itchy. Ignore.
5:06 Start curling hair. Achieve perfect half-up, half-down, pulled-back-bangs style on first try.
5:07 Remember dress has to go over head. Dammit.
5:10 Notice hives all over neck and chest. Dying? Ignore.
5:20 Hair not cooperating. Each attempt at half-up, half-down, pulled-back-bangs style getting poofier and ridculouslier than the last.
5:21 Apply makeup. Hive on cheek practically glowing in dark and developing opposable thumbs.
5:28 Put on awesome shoes that Bunny patiently approved on Monday's playdate when I carted eight pairs of shoes into living room and made her see how each and every pair looked with pretty new dress, which I also made her approve at the store. Wonder if I maybe get on her nerves a little bit ever.
5:30 Check on Noah, who has wandered away from the television and is in the backyard. Bad television babysitter, bad!
5:34 Jason arrives. Collect child from backyard, purse from under couch, head out to car, trip and eat it on the pavement.
5:45 Pick up Bunny, who emerges wearing a perfectly executed half-up, half-down, pulled-back-bangs hairstyle. Whore.
6:00 Arrive at party, which is taking place at Ralph Lauren. As in, Ralph Lauren The Store. Where there are clothes. Expensive clothes I cannot afford.
6:01 Expensive clothes I cannot afford + me + high heels + wine + social dorkwadocity = oh, fuck.
6:03 Bunny and I cower in corner by some polo shirts.
6:05 We discuss what kind of reaction we'd get if we each grabbed a nearby mannequin and made them fight each other.
6:11 Oh look! There's champagne! Can I have that too?
6:15 We notice two girls hovering nearby and wonder if we could try to make friends.
6:16 "But what do you say?" Bunny wonders. "Hi! Wanna hold hands? Wanna make out? DO YOU LIKE MY SHOES CIRCLE YES OR NO?"
6:20 The girls wander away, probably to talk about the two snobby girls by the polo shirts.
6:22 Catch glimpse of legs in mirror, count fourteen bruises in about three seconds. Sexy.
6:23 Red hive on cheek still there, is now walking upright and upgrading my RAM.
6:30 We decide to wander into the back room where the author is signing books.
6:31 We back out of the room in terror, since it appears the party has been segregated into the Thinnest and Most Gorgeous Women Ever Who Also Wear Chanel Couture and...the rest of us.
6:33 Bunny asks me to explain for the millionth time how exactly I got us invited to this?
6:35 Whatever. The front room is where all the wine is.
6:36 It occurs to me that I may be the only person eating the twee and delicious bite-sized hors d'ourves, and also that I am okay with this.
6:37 - 7:59 Wiiine. Blleee! Blooog! Shooes. Sssbaby. Talk talk talkity am brilliant witty thin. Also probably can fly. Wheee!
8:00 Party over. Gift bags. Bunny and I head out to go eat some damn pasta and cheesecake. I think I cry at some point over something. Possibly when there is no more cheesecake. Hail cab, sucessfully navigate our drunk asses home.
7:30 am Wake up, filled with vague sense of a headache and that I embarassed myself in front of the wife of the guy from the Thievery Corporation because she's probably a little sick to death of the goddamn Garden State soundtrack, and also that I accidentally gave the cab driver bad directions back to Wisconsin Avenue. I hope he is okay.
Edited to add: Hey look!
Sunglasses. On the top of my head. ALLNIGHTLONG.