Let's Go To the Zoo, Part Two

I tried to tell Bunny that the fucking zoo fucking sucks, but she didn't believe me. She'd been to the fucking zoo and had a perfectly lovely time, save for the somewhat chilly March weather (she's from California, and thinks we're all nuts for living on this coast, where your car gets snowed in and you have to wear jackets and whatever the hell).

So I allowed myself to be talked into going back to the fucking zoo. We'd go during the week! In the morning! Noah is old enough now! The pandas aren't such a big fucking deal anymore! It's gonna be great!

So we packed up snacks and sippy cups and loaded up the offroading strollers and drove to the fucking zoo.

The beginning of the day. Full of promise and hope and overwhelming skepticism.

That arrow, by the way, led us to a non-stroller accessible walkway with a bazillion stairs. That was possibly in the jungle. Where those screeching ink-shooting dinosaurs that killed Newman probably live. We opted to hike up a small hill to a different entrance.

About halfway up the hill I started wheezing. And sweating. And cursing at Bunny in foreign languages that I do not speak. About three-quarters of the way up the hill we noticed the signs that said pedestrians were forbidden on this road, and also there were about a dozen tour buses barreling down the road right at us.

You know how they say mothers sometimes get superhuman strength when their children are in danger? Yeah, that totally didn't happen, and I just glared at the buses and made them stop until we finished slowly trudging up that damn hill.

Needless to say, we were not starting off well. The sight of three hundred million billion other people milling around the fucking zoo didn't help either.

"SEE? THIS IS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT," I yelled at Bunny over the din of of the crowd, as we attempted to push our strollers through a wall of people in matching red shirts and name tags, even though they were not part of the same group. It's just that every group there decided to wear red shirts, pretty much defeating the purpose, and giving the fucking zoo an unfortunate bloody-mass-genocide vibe.

We trudged uphill to the visitor's center. The ATM machine almost ate Bunny's card. We paid $2.50 for bottled water and discovered the biggest flaw in our plan: in order for Max and Noah to actually see the animals, we had to take them out of their strollers. And then we had to put them back in, and each time we went through this process the boys protested more and more about going back into the stroller.

We saw the top of the panda's head. The elephants were all going to the bathroom, and at first I wondered aloud about the deformed one that had TWO trunks, oh my God, what's wrong with it, until I realized I was actually looking at its wang.

We saw a lot of animal wang, actually. I don't even have any animal photos to post, since honestly, I have no interest in being THAT KIND OF SITE. (I'm already the number-two Google result for "mucus plug pictures," thankyouverymuch.)

We also saw two orangutans fighting. Or so we thought, at first.

Nope, they were fucking. It was...pretty awesome, since every adult brought their kid to the display, took a second to process what they were seeing, then hustled over to the next window, all oh my goodness, oh my GOODNESS!

Bunny and I stayed. Of course we did. Because we are 12, and also, it was the first time we were able to enjoy a damn exhibit away from the crowds. I almost wish I'd brought my video camera, because dude, YOUTUBE SENSATION.

Noah liked the elephants and I think the tiger, but they only had girl-lions and I told Bunny that girl-lions were OF NO USE TO ME, since Noah only recognizes the boy-lions with the manes. So I didn't bother showing him the girl-lions. (We'd created some guidelines by this point for what was worth a stroller extraction and what was not sponge-worthy, so to speak.)

I took a picture so I could show him later though. And since this one is wang-free I can post it.

Can you not just feel the excitement? Can you sense the magic and wonder?

Here's Noah seeing an elephant for the first time, clearly blown away by the magnificent sight of the enormous beast and...

Whoops, nope. He's got his stroller strap there. Never mind.

The highlight of the entire day was a cow. A COW. It was at the petting zoo area and Noah freaking lost his mind over the damn cow. It did not moo, however, which disappointed Max, who before yesterday thought he knew what the cow says, and now feels that perhaps his refrigerator magnets have not been entirely truthful with him.

I thought Noah liked the goats too, but upon further reflection of the photographic evidence, I see that it was probably not so much about the goats.

ABALL. OHMIGOD WE WALKED THREE MILES UPHILL BOTH WAYS TO SEE ABALL.

By this point we'd been at the fucking zoo for a whopping hour and twenty minutes.

Aaaaaand time to go.

The end of the day. Exhausted. Disillusioned. Sticky.

We drove back to Bunny's house for lunch and playdate cocktails, and amused the boys for HOURS by chucking balloons at the ceiling fan.

I emailed Bunny this morning about weekend plans (we're aiming low this time, I think. perhaps we will make aballs out of tin foil and teach the boys how to fetch) and mentioned that despite showering TWICE already, I still felt a little zoo-stankish.

She emailed back: actually, you do still smell like monkey sex house, but it works for you.

The fucking zoo, man. Literally.