(It's a pun!)
Jason and I had a long talk this weekend about this. (That's a lot of this for one small sentence.) We've done a lot of talking about this, but since there's no easy answer we tend to just change the subject after a couple minutes and move on to simpler topics. (Like, shall we open more wine? Why, yes, please!) (Just call us the Wine Vikings.)
This time I cut through all the crazy what-ifs and hypotheticals and layers (specialty of the house! onion parfait!) and just asked Jason what his gut was telling him. We put a lot of trust in Jason's gut around here, as it has never once led us wrong. Unlike my gut, which is impulsive and reactionary and usually craving burritos.
Jason took a moment to listen to his gut. He cocked his head and everything.
"I think we should wait."
"Ohgoodmetoo." I breathed a sigh of relief. And my ambivalence was suddenly obvious, and I confessed to feeling supremely overwhelmed by the thought of dealing with morning sickness and pregnancy and a newborn and breastfeeding and two kids in diapers in the immediate future, and choosing it ON PURPOSE.
It turns out my own gut has been screaming NOT NOW! NOT NOW! all along. And here I just thought it was asking for more burritos.
So. No Clomid for us. No RE appointments or injectables or ovulation predictor kits.
But. We will also not actively prevent pregnancy, and if it happens, we will be happy. Ohplease. We will be very happy.
And. I am going to pursue some less invasive treatment options, I think. Taking better care of myself. Regular exercise, yoga, de-stressing as much as possible. Maybe some acupuncture, like so many of you recommended on Friday's post. (Anybody have a good DC-area recommendation, by any chance?) But my health will be the primary objective -- long, irregular cycles or even no cycles at all are not good for me, fertility concerns aside, you know?
I've spoken to several doctors about it, and their solution is generally to whip out a prescription pad (want a baby? Clomid. don't want a baby? birth control pills). I don't do well on either option, so I'm going to see if I can find the elusive Option Number Three on my own.
I don't want to go to war with my body, so for now I'm just going to pick my battles. And achieving pregnancy at any cost just isn't one of them. Maybe one day, it will be. (We are only saying, "wait," after all. Neither one of us is particularly okay with saying "never.") We'll cross that bridge when we come it, if I may mix metaphors to an insane degree here, what with the battles and the bridges and the guts and all.
I also have to ask for forgiveness, since I know I occasionally mix messages along with my metaphors. Because even though I feel very at peace with our current plan of semi-non-action...up until this morning I secretly thought I might already be pregnant, and was gleefully composing the "Guess what! I'm an asshole! Behold the positive peestick!" post in my head.
Of course, the peesticks were negative, and I got my period this morning. So. Guess what! I'm an asshole.
So that's where we're at. I want it, but apparently not enough. Right now. This minute. Ask me in a month, maybe. And remind me not to make any more grand, self-righteous pronouncements on the matter, at least not before lunchtime.