More Crap About Number Two
May 16, 2007
(It's a pun!)
Jason and I had a long talk this weekend about this. (That's a lot of this for one small sentence.) We've done a lot of talking about this, but since there's no easy answer we tend to just change the subject after a couple minutes and move on to simpler topics. (Like, shall we open more wine? Why, yes, please!) (Just call us the Wine Vikings.)
This time I cut through all the crazy what-ifs and hypotheticals and layers (specialty of the house! onion parfait!) and just asked Jason what his gut was telling him. We put a lot of trust in Jason's gut around here, as it has never once led us wrong. Unlike my gut, which is impulsive and reactionary and usually craving burritos.
Jason took a moment to listen to his gut. He cocked his head and everything.
"I think we should wait."
"Ohgoodmetoo." I breathed a sigh of relief. And my ambivalence was suddenly obvious, and I confessed to feeling supremely overwhelmed by the thought of dealing with morning sickness and pregnancy and a newborn and breastfeeding and two kids in diapers in the immediate future, and choosing it ON PURPOSE.
It turns out my own gut has been screaming NOT NOW! NOT NOW! all along. And here I just thought it was asking for more burritos.
So. No Clomid for us. No RE appointments or injectables or ovulation predictor kits.
But. We will also not actively prevent pregnancy, and if it happens, we will be happy. Ohplease. We will be very happy.
And. I am going to pursue some less invasive treatment options, I think. Taking better care of myself. Regular exercise, yoga, de-stressing as much as possible. Maybe some acupuncture, like so many of you recommended on Friday's post. (Anybody have a good DC-area recommendation, by any chance?) But my health will be the primary objective -- long, irregular cycles or even no cycles at all are not good for me, fertility concerns aside, you know?
I've spoken to several doctors about it, and their solution is generally to whip out a prescription pad (want a baby? Clomid. don't want a baby? birth control pills). I don't do well on either option, so I'm going to see if I can find the elusive Option Number Three on my own.
I don't want to go to war with my body, so for now I'm just going to pick my battles. And achieving pregnancy at any cost just isn't one of them. Maybe one day, it will be. (We are only saying, "wait," after all. Neither one of us is particularly okay with saying "never.") We'll cross that bridge when we come it, if I may mix metaphors to an insane degree here, what with the battles and the bridges and the guts and all.
I also have to ask for forgiveness, since I know I occasionally mix messages along with my metaphors. Because even though I feel very at peace with our current plan of semi-non-action...up until this morning I secretly thought I might already be pregnant, and was gleefully composing the "Guess what! I'm an asshole! Behold the positive peestick!" post in my head.
Of course, the peesticks were negative, and I got my period this morning. So. Guess what! I'm an asshole.
So that's where we're at. I want it, but apparently not enough. Right now. This minute. Ask me in a month, maybe. And remind me not to make any more grand, self-righteous pronouncements on the matter, at least not before lunchtime.
Good for you, Amy. To listen to yourself and follow your gut. Waiting is okay. Thanks for sharing your feelings about all this--it isn't often talked about, and I think it is important. I love your blog!
I've got a similar problem with the grand announcements on my blog. Up until a couple of weeks ago, my husband and I were going to purchase a townhouse. We decided to break the contract and continue to rent. Still haven't found a way to break it to my readership. Unless some of them also read your blog, in which case: Hi! We're not buying the townhouse! Surprise!
I wonder if the J part of my ISFJ MBTI is still accurate.
It sounds like you made the right choice for now - by the tone of your writing.
I also had a dr that wipped out the prescription pad when I wasn;t ovulating and my periods made no sense - at all! I didn;t want hormones. I hated being on the pill, I hated the hormones they put me on in my early 20's to fix my periods. I didn't want to put anything else in my body.
I turned to Acupuncture and it changed my life. They detoxed my body first - wow! I started feeling like a different person within 2 weeks - slept better, less stressed and my DH told me that I was less imotional. I felt like I had better control of my head. My periods started to even out and change and I started to Ovulate. We were pg within a few months.
I am not telling you that to tell you to go get pg now. I am telling you because I think it is great - for anytime in your life to just feel better. period.
Good luck and keep us posted.
I wish I could send you to my dr, but I am in CA.
HUgs.
'No time like the present, there's no such thing as a good time, all in good time, what's the rush, different strokes for different folks'...I could go on here with the baby-making timing cliche's but I think you get it. There's no right answer. Close together, far apart, only children, families of twelve...it's all up to you and it sounds like you're content with your current decision. Celebrate your period, drink more wine, shower your only child with undivided attention, live this moment and don't worry about what's next. (Easier said than done, right?)
I'm all for more wine. Project siblingah is entirely your business so no ass-vice here, but thanks for sharing the journey!
Wonderfully done. Congratulations on all fronts, really.
It must be nice to have a gut to follow! Tell that gut, btw, to update his blog. I'll be in DC in a month and I want some recs on where to eat!
I am really honestly happy that you feel good about your choice!
We have been going back and forth for months. Ours usually include pronouncements that say NEVER, NO MORE and we are happier with one but the truth is we both want another. SO we are in the same place. We are going to wait - my son is 2 years and one month and seems like everyone with a kiddo my son's age is either pregnant or planning to get pregnant. Like this is the perfect time but we are not ready and that is what I need to remember. I need to work and I cannot fathom working and taking care of both a baby and an VERY ACTIVE toddler. We are now talking about perhaps thinking about having another one at the beginning of 2008 after our trip to Jamaica. I feel like I am using this valuable time to get ready to think about pregnancy since we were expectedly blessed with Matthew. Loooong and short, I think it is all about what is best for you and your husband and it is good to know that other people experience these times of what if...
Now I am 33,I will be 34 at the end of this year and I promised myself I would not have kids beyond 35 so the clock is tick tocking in some ways but you know I can break personal promises to myself, right!?
Hi Amy! It's Katie from the old days on Key West Ave...
I have some good recommendations and plenty of assvice if you want it. I'm pretty sure you know how to get in touch with me. You can always contact the magnificent woman we both know in Georgetown!
Go see Carolyne Pion at Crossings Center for Healing (in Silver Spring, in the office space over Whole Foods). I've managed to convert my husband and both sons (for muscle sprains, asthma, allergies) after using her myself for general wellness, for over five years. Love her!
How wonderful that you're both on the same page, and that you're still willing to share a follow-up with us, because oh my God, was I appalled at all the assvice you received in your Number Two post, and it wasn't even directed at me. Thanks for continuing to share such personal insights with your "all-knowing" readers.
Strangely, I felt relieved when I read this post. I guess I am relieved that you're not tearing yourself up about this or letting it tie you in knots. And I think you are awesome to simply enjoy what you have right now, which is a pretty fantastic family, and a pretty fantastic life. Sometimes we get too focused on the next step - I am very guilty of this - and only recently have I realized the joy of letting things just BE. So cheers.
Glad you are at Peace....pregnancy or lack there of can be CONSUMING...at least for us obsessive, premature announcing types =). I am 5 weeks preg. and lost a baby in Dec. I am so thankful yet SO cautious. It kills me not to run up to random people and tell them...or read baby books or think of names...or whine at every symptom. It is NOT in my nature to be docile and patient. I have 2 friends at this time who are on Clomid or other methods...I have a theory that intelligent, balanced women cannot easily get pregnant anymore. Only 13 year-old chrackwhores seem to have the knack. Good luck on your healthy body endeavors.
Isn't it amazing how people just accidentally get pregnant? Or those people who just talk about maybe having a kid and then end up pregnant the next month? Like it is all that easy or something?
I mean, getting pregnant at all is a miracle and then even more miraculous is carrying a healthy baby to term. It's all just so amazing.
I'm glad you are at semi-peace with your decision. Seems to me like you may go back and forth about the idea for a while, just because that's human nature. But glad that for now you aren't worried about it.
A couple of things you might consider is a baby aspirin a day (my RE told me to take that until I was 36 weeks pregnant) and some B vitamins. Both are supposed to help with regulating cycles. (Well, the aspirin helps form the lining.) I think the accupuncture is a wonderful idea. I wish I had that option in Nowhere, Texas. Good luck getting healthy and have fun with Noah in the meantime!
Good for you!
More wine is always good too.
Well, one thing we have in common is guts. Mine is like yours and John's is like Jason's. Therefore I tend to rely on his gut for the important stuff. Mine does much better with shopping.
I know it has got to be a great sense of relief to realize you both were feeling the same way. And enjoy all your days with Noah.
I'm glad you've come to a decision that's right for both of you for now. In the meantime, a new Noah pic? Please? Pretty please?
I have a fantastic DC-area acupuncture referral for you: Alec Maines (http://alecmaines.com/).
My husband and I started seeing him in the spring of 2004. We were in our third year of infertility.
We were pregnant in October 2004 with a child that can only be described as a miracle, because REs said that it just wouldn't happen without intervention. In July 2005, our daughter was born.
Do I think the acupuncture helped? Yes, I do! Do I think I would still be seeing Alec if I lived in the DC area (we're in Chicago for grad school for a few years) even for nonfertility reasons? Oh, YES! Acupuncture was one of the most relaxing and rejuvenating experiences either of us ever had---it really helped us prepare to give up our jobs, leave DC (where I'd lived almost ten years), and move back to the Midwest for school. We were so peaceful and excited about our decision, and I think that acupuncture really helped to achieve that sense of calm.
In other words, "Come for the kid, stay for the calm."
Advertisement over. Call Alec. He's fantastic. Tell him Kori and Mike referred you, and give him a "hi" for us. :)
Amy: Do you visit this site? :-)
Sorry. This site http://shoeblogs.com/
That definitely sounds like you two have your heads in the right spot. Not that it wouldn't be great to have the "Grand Surprise." If you come across any fabulous Option 3's, I'd love to hear them!
P.S. Wine, anyone?
I go to a great acupuncturist in Fairfax. Email me if you want his name and number. I got pg the first month I tried it. Coincidence, perhaps, but I really like going.
I have a friend who did acupuncture with a women in the Kentlands in Gaithersburg. If you'd like her name email me, I know she was at meridan, but I can find out her name Oh, and she got pregnant, twice. She swears by acupuncture.
And, since I live right there, we can met for a drink after, right?
Delurking just to say: BE CAREFUL!
Like you, we decided we weren't ready. Like you we thought it would take a while on its own so let not try to prevent it. I got pregnant that same month (maybe that same week). While in theory we said "if it happens, awesome", it is scary and extremely overwhelming. I would have liked to have felt more mentally prepared for it. So if you are not ready just yet, free-willy may not be the right choice.
In the being healthy and thinking about acupuncture thing, just don't go too far. I am currently doing no dairy, no grain, and no beans. Do you have ANY idea how much that sucks? No burritos, man. And no mac and cheese. Which I should feel bad for craving, I'm sure.
Commenting for the first time to say...if and when you DO want to try, and you want to do it a more natural way, I recommend the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler (http://tinyurl.com/y62j2a)
We used it for both birth control AND for planning our third baby ( I have some long and some short cycles). It's worked for friends of mine with long cycles too :)
Yay for Jason's gut, lots of wine and being at peace with the decision.
You two clearly make cute kids, so I'm glad you haven't said 'never.' But I'm also glad you're not going to go to war with you body. In the meantime, we'll all just enjoy the deliciousness that is Noah (and your writing, you do that pretty well too.)
I'll toast to that!
Sounds like you have a great plan. For yoga - I personally love Inhale on Oxygen, which I Tivo and have some saved for when I have time to do them (Thanks to Linda of All & Sundry for the reommendation). Good luck - and keep us posted on the acupuncture - my sister swears by it.
I hope this isn't too assvicey, but I used an herb called vitex (chasteberry) and got pregnant rather quickly even though dr. said 40-60% chance.
Like amber I am using vitex too. Lets see, and taking care of yourself? Well that is always good.
And more wine, is just the best.
Something about soy...I feel your comments are lacking some assvice about soy. Isn't there some estrogenny aspect to soy? I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm sure the holistic subset of your readership has thoughts.
In fact, I think it was here or in your advice column that I read about lavender being hormonally disruptive to little boys. My boyfriend loves that Tide lavender-vanilla detergent dryer sheet combo, so I'm keeping that revelation to myself.
I think many of us are in the same boat. We want another baby, but the pregnancy with toddler/two children management stuff is very unappealing. So we're kind of ambivalent, and maybe if we close our eyes and have blind, mystery sex, the decision will be made one way or the other for us, and then we don't have to beat ourselves up over which choice we actually wanted to make in the first place.
Best of luck having mystery sex.
I already commented, but I just want to second! third! fourth! the acupuncture is awesome statements. It is incredibly relaxing and seems to help all-over-well-being. It has also helped with my husband's mysterious back/neck pain. Way better than the vicodin and morphine helped him. It is pretty amazing! No DC recommendations, but if you decide to try it, I hope it helps!
Good luck in both taking care of your body and enjoying your time.
Wow, what a healthy, healthy description of your current state. I couldn't know how hard it was to come to where you are, but from how you describe it, it sounds like absolutely the right thing for you. Which is always subject to change, as well. Kudos.
I hope you know that I'm happy for you both either way. You have a fantastic child and one day - whenever that day comes - you'll have another. So smile! And enjoy some Trader Joe's for me.
You mean my burrito cravings are my gut telling to wait or did I misunderstand the post. Oh I kid, I know I always want burritos.
And jokes aside, I also recently realized that I want to wait to supersize my order, I mean family.
Funny how the burrito and baby cravings seem the same sometimes.
No matter what, taking good care of yourself is a good thing that will pay off down the road, no matter what happens baby-wise.
"Onion parfait"? I love you, Amy. Will you have MY baby?
I was going to post on the previous "this" thread that my girls are 3 1/2 years apart and it is great. When I was 8 months pregnant I didn't have to carry my older daughter - she could walk up the stairs by herself. And we didn't have 2 in diapers either.
We did have a span of time where they couldn't really play together, but that has passed. They are good together now.
Also I have a very good friend who is close in age to her sister and they are not close at all. Their parents pitted them against each other and made them take sides in their own battles with each other.
Someone on that first post mentioned that it's not the age difference that's important, it's how the parents foster the relationship between the siblings that is.
I wholeheartedly agree.
Hey Amy,
I'm in DC. I ran into you at 2 Amy's a while back and felt like such a stalker. Like I saw a celebrity. My non-blog reader friend thought I was crazy. I said hi and you were so gracious but I still felt like an ass. Anyway, I have a great acupuncturist that helps with my neck:
Sacks & Hu
1001 Connecticut Ave #325
202-466-6936
They are on K street 2 days a week and in Bethesda thhe other 3.
Good luck!
($125 for first session and $70 after that.)
One thing that always occurs to me when I read about women considering whether or not to try for another child, particularly those who are getting older and/or are planning to use any type of fertility treatments - wait until you're ready. You may get two.
I'm SO glad we waited to start trying until we were really ready. We were so ready Mother Nature thought we could handle two at the same time. I love being a twin mom but it is a long hard road that first year.
That sounds perfect. Go with the gut. The gut knows. ;)
Heh. Jason's gut! Never steered me wrong either. :D
Good for you guys... Doctors with prescription pads can kiss my pasty white cheeks. (Eww, not really)
Oh, on your last post? Little boy legs! Soooo sweet.
Oh again,...if you knew my husband, he would mandate sneakers on your feet.. and preferably pants on the legs, whilst you mow. Another dose of unsolicited advice.
http://www.hometownannapolis.com/cgi-bin/read/2006/11_07-20/CSP
OK, it's not close to DC, but at least it's not ungodly far away. And she's an acupunturist...who specializes in infertility! Just in case the article link doesn't work, her name is Nicole Withrow and she's in Severna Park, MD.
My mom was being treated by her (for back problems, not fertility, thanksverymuch) and said she was very sweet and caring.
It's been 32 years, but I will never understand my body. With my son, we tried for 2+ years, did clomid, finally conceived through IUI. Then this spring we decided to start trying for # 2. But we thought we were just building a case to see a RE in the fall. You guessed it...nine weeks and counting. My mom was almost buried in the floorboards when she suggested it was because I "relaxed".
Glad that you're both on the same page...or bridge...or warzone?
And while I'm with you on the want -- there's that part of me that feels like 18 months isn't long enough for my little one to be the center of my world, like he somehow deserves much more time as "the baby."
Yeah I was wondering why you would want to jump right back in...my sister has three kids, two of which are about 2 years apart but not quite. Let me tell ya - it wasn't a picnic for her being big and pregnant and having to deal with a toddler at the same time. As much as she loves her kids, it's really hard, lol. You should at least let Noah get into his responsible kid phase so he can help out when you are pregnant again! My sister's oldest son was able to help out and he loved it.