Number Two
May 11, 2007
This morning Noah and I played our game of Gimme Kisses. I tell him to gimme kisses, please. He shakes his head no, and then I swoop in for a kiss anyway, while making a big, exaggerated mmmmmmmmmmmmmMWA sound. Then he giggles.
This morning I stopped playing after a few kisses. He started humming. "Mmmmmm." He reached up and put his hands on my cheeks and leaned in.
"MWA!" he shrieked, covering my face with kisses. Then we both giggled.
Yeah. I gotta get me another one of these.
***
Two things I said I'd never do again:
1) Have another child.
2) Take Clomid.
They went together pretty nicely, I thought.
But like a lot things I swore I'd never do (suburbs! yard! skinny jeans! hotdogs for lunch!), I changed my mind about Number One. I want another baby. WE want another baby.
The five of you who read the ClubMom blog know that Jason and I have been trying for awhile now. I don't know how long, exactly. Maybe since Noah's first birthday? Maybe even before that? I seem to remember using the BlogHer swag bag condom at some point, but honestly, we've never really used birth control since Noah was born.
"It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world," Jason said once about a second pregnancy, while I pondered the calendar in a minor morning-after freakout and looked at him, like THAT'S BITCH-CRAZY TALK, HELL YES IT WOULD BE, OUR CHILD STILL HAS POOPS THAT SHOOT PAST HIS NECK.
But then I gradually came around to his way of thinking. No, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. In a lot of ways it would be pretty great.
***
Which brings us to rethinking Thing Number Two. Stupid Number Two.
The 10 of you who have been reading all along might remember that I took Clomid for a few months with no success, waaay back in 2004. Those were pretty much the most miserable months of my life and I went completely batshit crazy afterwards, with depression and panic and I was just all around a Big Hot Mess. (I can't even bring myself to link to the entries from that time, even though they don't even begin to really express just how bad things got.)
I'm not sure if I've ever really spelled out my fertility issues here, so for those just joining us: I am annovulatory. I do not ovulate on my own, ever. I get periods -- usually every 45 to 50 days, but sometimes much more infrequent. In 2001 (2002? god, am senile. where the fuck are my keys?) I got two periods for the entire year.
We don't really know why -- I don't have PCOS or thyroid problems. I had an eating disorder all through high school, but I'd already had irregular periods for a few years before my anorexia developed. So I float around in the pool of Unexplained Infertility, watching my cycles get longer and more whacked out by the month. It's not insurmountable and it's not the end of the world -- but it's enough to color and complicate your reproductive plans.
After upping the dose of Clomid a couple times, I managed to ovulate, but didn't conceive. Then I got sick and we decided to take some time off from the baby-making and try again in the new year.
Then, of course, I fucking got pregnant. Like a normal human being, without Clomid or an IUI or even a damn thermometer. (The people who told me it was because I "just relaxed" are all buried under the floorboards of our old condo, thankyouverymuch.)
That pretty much brings us to now. I hoped that having Noah would "fix" everything. Like he was this 9-pound, 15-ounce Post-It Note that said HEY LOOK! WAY TO GO ON THE FULFILLING OF YOUR PRIMARY PURPOSE, OVARIES!
But no, everything is the same as it has always been. Which means we have two options:
1) Wait and see if we get lucky again.
2) Try Clomid again.
Stupid Number Two.
***
I don't know what option we're going to go with, honestly. On the one hand, I'm sick of thinking about this and marking tiny yet ultimately useless X's on the calendar. I'm sick of wondering if we'll get lucky next month or next year or ever.
On the other hand, I don't necessarily feel ready right this second to have another baby. Sometimes I still feel like I just HAD a baby. That I still HAVE a baby. That it's too soon and too much and maybe we should just let it happen when it's meant to happen, like Jason always said pre-Noah, and it pisses me off that he was right because I don't necessarily believe that things always happen when they're "meant" to happen, I mean, look at every reality TV show in the history of reality TV shows where my favorite contestant got voted off too soon.
On the other hand, Jason and I are both much, MUCH younger than our siblings. In a lot of ways we were only children. Which wasn't bad at all, oh no, but...I don't know. I think I'd enjoy watching Noah grow up with a sibling close to his age and wonder if we shouldn't get a little aggressive before too much time passes. I worry he'll be spoiled or lonely on his own, blah blah typical family planning mindfuck.
On the other hand, Clomid made me crazy.
I wonder if it would be as bad this time, since maybe I would be (shut up) more relaxed, since I have Noah and the knowledge that I CAN get pregnant and CAN carry to term, and honestly, I don't necessarily feel like not having a second child would be any big devastating thing. I mean, we want one, but if you told me tomorrow that our family was complete as-is I'd still feel pretty damn lucky and content.
On the other hand, I might only think that because deep down, I'm secretly pretty smug and confident that we'll be able to have a second baby eventually.
On the other hand, I am fresh out of other hands. I'm talking in circles and boring even myself. And I find myself pretty fascinating. Look! My belly button is squishy.
***
I look at his face and know that he is enough. He is more than enough. And yet because he is enough, more than enough, to fill my heart and life with such mind-boggling amounts of joy, I cannot help but wonder what it must be like to have that joy times two.
I cannot help but to take his face in my hands and cover it with kisses, while silently praying gimme baby. Please.
I hear ya, Amy. I hear ya. Sending you much love.
Working on #3, trying not to get crazy over it. I know I have 2 wonderful/fabulous/perfect children, but I still want one more and my body isn't cooperating. Mine is PCOS, though. I wish you luck, Amy!
Well I wish you the best on your venture with number two. Noah is gorgeous and fulfilling for you and yet having a brother or sister to play with would be fantastic! Our girls are 2 2/2 years apart, well all 2 kids are 2 years apart. Pretty nifty. Kalayah and Austin are one 2 years and 6 days apart, but everyone gets along really well. Except when they fight. Kids. Gotta love em!
you know it's a vicious cycle that you'll drive yourself mad crazy..
even without taking the clomid! i had #1 w/o issue.. then I wanted #2 and couldn't. gave up and stopped.. 6years later.. SURPRISE! i love them being this far apart.. I had all that time with my boy and loved every single second of it, when the girlie came alone, he was sick of me already.. so I got to start corrupting another one without any sibling interference. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!
your belly button is squishy...yeah well mine smells weird when i poke it...wait, was that one of those things you dont talk about? hmmmm!
Hi Amy, I had my daughter (she is 7 mths) via the miracle of IVF - after trying everything first including the most evil clomid. I just want to tell you that after months of suffering from that medication I found the other fertility meds to be - although not a picnic - not nearly as bad as clomid. I hope that things work out for you - Good Luck!
PS I am currently pg with #2! no science intervention this time - just another miracle :)
I hope that things work out for you. What you said at the end, about Noah being enough, but it making you wonder about two - so beautifully said. And so, so true.
Oh honey, I hope you get every little thing your heart desires! Hang in there!
I like the small age gap-- probably because my sister and I were so close, and I timed my kids that way. We seem to come from an amazing fertile family (my cousin famously got pregnant on TWO forms of birth control), but the second baby trying took longer. Maybe we measure it differently... With the first, you don't have a timeline-- just Now or Soon. With the second, each month is another between them, and it adds more pressure.
Either way, have fun getting there. Really. Even with all the failed attempts and Almosts, trying get pregnant is a ultimately a time of hope, love, and hopefully great bedroom romps. :-D At least it was for us, and I'm wishing for you.
I've been waiting for this entry. I can't wait until we get the IT'S POSITIVE one.
My son was the cake, the icing, and the gooey chocolate filling to me. Then, 9.5 yrs later, my daughter became the sprinkly doodads and candles on top.
(sidenote: Sprinkly Doodads has been crying nonstop for 2.5 hours. While I love Sprinkly Doodads with all my heart, I wish she would SHUT THE HECK UP ALREADY and take the stinkin nap!)
I'm not a mother, and I don't know if when I attempt to be one, I'll be met with difficulty. I hope, if I do, I handle it with the same amount of grace and humor and realism and articulation and altogether knock-me-on-my-ass strength that you seem to handle it with. Until then, and in regards to your own journey, I'll hope for you.
Good Luck Amy with whatever you decide to do. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for 2 years and when I finally did get pregnant I had an ectopic and then we tried again a few months later but got frustrated because it wasn't working and I was just days away from starting Clomid when you guessed it, pregnant. In fact, I found out the day before mother's day last year that I was pregnant :-) We had a baby girl this past January. I kind of cringe when I think about what the process will be like to get pregnant again.
You have a beautiful son.
Have a WONDERFUL MOTHER'S DAY AMY!!!!! Enjoy it!!!
I'm one of the (way more than) 10 who's been been reading since the pre-conception days. I hope that your path is easier this time, and believe it will be because you have Noah now.
Good luck, my friend.
I wish you guys the best of luck in trying, I am not married, far away from having kids, and I've wondered all these years how stupid I've been and if when I finally want one, will it happen? Best of luck, and happy mother's day!
Amy, I'm one of those 45 day cyclers too (we briefly discussed this in e-mail quite some time ago, though I'm sure you don't remember that! :p) and I'm in the same struggle, except that I'm wondering what to do (or not do) about having my first child.
I'm not sure if I should just go on as per usual and "let things happen" or start checking into some scientific intervention... I don't know if I'm ready for the science to get all up in my... um... grill.
Everything you said rings true to me, and I'm not really sure what the point of this comment is other than to say keep on musing out loud here, because maybe if you figure it out, I might be able to too...
Oh, Amy. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I don't know what else to say.
Noah gets more and more gorgeous, by the way.
We tried for two years to no avail. I had two surgeries, my husband was told his guys were 'uncooperative', so they reco'd Clomid and IVF. My dad was dying of cancer and I decided we needed to take time off before I was able to handle any of that. Then BOOM-- got pregnant two months later, four months before my dad died. So those people who tell you to "just relax"-- eat it. During the darkest point of my life our little guy was conceived.
Last summer we decided that things could take a while, so we better start trying again and BOOM, pregnant on the first try. Some people say that your body is just more 'willing' the second time around.
So now I'm sitting here nine months pregnant after just celebrating #1's 2nd birthday. Terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. It is not easy being pregnant with a toddler, and I'm sure will be maddening in two more weeks, but we feel blessed. You will too. Sending happy egg/sperm vibes your way...
Happy mother's day...
We always said only 1. And now we have 1. But I then thought maybe number 2...until the Dr. advised that it was not the best idea he'd heard of (uterus dropping and all after giving birth to number 1). So, maybe some things are meant to be. Best of luck with whatever road you travel.
Because of a terrifying delivery with #1, there is a five year gap between my first and my second, who is now two and has a baby brother (five months).
I thought the gap would be too big, that the first two would never connect. But when i see my middle child run up to his big brother and hug him, yelling his name, I know that they'll be just fine. Please don't worry about a largeish age gap. It's all about how you, as parents, promote the sibling relationships.
And I wish you luck, whatever happens.
Never thought I'd come out with it in a public forum to a bunch of strangers, but I am also annovulatory. Never met another one like me so pleased to read you, Amy! I used progesterone to get a period to start and then used Clomid to get pregnant. In my case, I was lucky and got pregnant right away the first time. The second time just happened, out of the blue, like with you and Noah. I'm wishing you all the luck in the world whether or not you choose to go on Clomid again. I hope you get perfect baby #2 soon!
Sigh.
I have PCOS and had been told since my early 20s I would have problems conceiving. Of course, it turned out that I was anything but infertile, but I've never, ever forgotten that Black Cloud of Infertility and all the dire predictions handed down from doctor after doctor that loomed over my head for 9 years. It's why posts like this still strike me to the very core.
Of course, there isn't much that I can say except this positive nugget - it's very obvious that you are in a much, much better place this time around in your life. And dammit, that better count for something. I certainly hope so for you, Jason and Noah.
Fertility is hard. It's confusing, it doesn't make sense, and damn it! We can't control it! I've had fertility problems of another kind. So far, getting pregnant hasn't been the problem. STAYING pregnant has been. So far, fourth time's the charm, and we await our daughter's arrival in August. I'm excited to not have to worry about fertility or cycles or pregnancy or miscarriage for awhile. Then, I worry about number 2. I KNOW I want a second baby. I KNOW how hard the miscarriages were on me. I'm scared of it being so hard again, when it also affects my perfect little girl. I'm scared of how I'll react when I miscarry another baby. I'm scared of the whole process. Not the same situation as you, but I think I understand, sort of. Noah is enough, but that doesn't mean you aren't missing the baby that's yet to be. Another beautiful post. Sending you all the luck in the world, whatever you decide and however your journey is to your Number Two.
I'm where you were right after Noah was born. The kid is only ten weeks old and there is no way in hell you could pay me to do that again, and we feel pretty complete with our son. I wouldn't trade him in for the world, but it's seriously hard as hell.
That said, there's something to be said about having a sibling around after you're gone. But then again, there's a pretty big age difference between my younger sister and my older brother, and most of the time, we don't even get along.
Good luck with number two.
Hang in there. Relax.
I seem to remember booze helped?
You have a lovely little guy there.
Cyber MWA's all around.
Happy Mother's Day, Amy
I am with you. Although I have been prone to being VERY fertile in the past how come this time it has been months and nothing?
I also had a miscarriage in September so now even if I get pregnant I will freak until the baby actually comes out of my body.
They I will freak some more.
I wish for you a wonderful Mother's Day and a prayer that next year Noah has help making the day even more special for you!
My sister introduced me to your site and I've been catching up with your archives ever since. I just finished 2004. I think we've been leading parallel lives. I cried similar tears of sadness when I had trouble getting pregnant (though I don't think I was as depressed as you) and the same tears of joy/happiness (I skipped ahead to Jason's post when Noah was born). I was on Clomid (off and on, more on than off, for nine months in 2004). Nothing. Then, through the miracle of IVF we were blessed with our baby girl in December 2005 making our family of four complete (my son is older and while it took a while, he was conceived naturally).
You have made me laugh. I love your drunk posts, you are so very funny. You have made my heart ache. I share your pain from high school, although it's hard to imagine you as dorky as I was. Thank you.
Have a wonderful, WONDERFUL Mother's Day!
Delurking to say GOOD LUCK. Really. Coming from an infertile-for-5-years-until-third-IVF-FINALLY -worked woman, I feel your reservations about the drugs. I also second a previous poster's comment that some of the other fertility drugs can be a whole lot better feeling than Clomid. You might want to check out the "newer" options.
Hello
I normally just lurk but i wanted to say Happy Noah's mommy day to you.
I hope you get the joy times two, Amy.
oh Amy, no advice, just sending internet hugs. Two of the women in my playgroup are desperate for baby #2 and they are struggling also.
But, I just want to say as someone who is having an only by choice, thanks for not saying that the worst thing in the world for Noah would be to grow up w/out a sibling and only children are the horror of the world and yada yada yada.
It will figure itself out. It has to.
It's such a hard, hard decision when the stakes are so high.
We lost a baby daughter due to an incompetent cervix at 5 1/2 months.
We had our son right around the time you had Noah, (I got stitched up this time) and I think that is going to do it for us. He has lots of cousins, so hopefully they'll be like brothers to him, but still I worry that he will be alone in the world....
I don't think there is a right thing to say about these issues. BUT!!! You and Jason make pretty damn great babies, it seems, and I think you are bound to create another one, one way or another. Happy Mother's Day.
Amy, you have pretty much exactly described the circles I run myself in trying to come to terms with the fact that I want more children, but my daughter is all I could have ever hoped for, and she's enough, but wouldn't more be awesome?
It took a while for me to conceive my daughter, and we've just started trying again, so I spend half my days praying for a baby and the other half trying to get some perspective and remind myself of everything I already have. It makes my head hurt sometimes!
I'm so sorry you didn't get magically fertile after Noah's birth; you hear enough stories that you get that evil hope going, and then...nada.
As several others suggested, it might be worth talking to your doctor about Clomid alternatives. I would hope that maybe this time around, Clomid might not be so crazy-making because you have something (someone!) already taking so much of your time and energy. But I can understand the fear of directing all that crazy at such a sweet little boy, too.
Best of luck. It's a hard place to be.
Delurking also to wish for you the best possible outcome. And that's all. No well-meaning but ultimately valueless advice.
Just good luck. And also Happy Mother's Day.
The absolute best of luck to you and Jason, and Noah! May the stork bring you a "SURPRISE!" very soon.
I'd also like to thank you for this post, because it's very eye-opening about your condition - and very similar to my own symptoms...I've read the previous "Entries we do not Speak Of," but for some reason never really thought I could have something similar? I've been checked out before, but nothing came of it, and honestly, who complains about not having a period each month when you aren't thinking about kids, lol. But my time for baby is fast approaching, and this is definitely something I'm going to look into...
think about it this way: if you take Clmid and get pregnant right away, you are still at best 10 months away from Baby #2. Realistically speaking, you are more like at minimum 1 year away, at which point, Noah will be screaming obseneties at you and wanting nothing to do with you, as 3 y.o. tend to do, so by then, you'll be grateful you took the Assvice of the Internets and didn't wait too long. And if it ends up taking longer, you can claim you always wanted them "more spaced apart"... and then, you know, delete the Google Cache so nobody can prove otherwise.
You did such a great job here capturing the whole "if my child is as perfect and wonderful as I know him to be, why do I want/need another one?" I never thought I would have more than one - until my first kid turned one and entered that delightful little boy stage that has just been a pleasure to experience. And of course, I have had the opposite experience - easy getting pg the first time, and harder this time thus far. In any case, I get you on this issue and wish us both patience, luck, peace of mind and a new kid.
This is assvice...and I'm sorry. But read The Infertility Cure by Rancine Lewis...it is amazing and will give you a whole new "natural" approach to figuring infertility...without doing stupid Clomid. Just doing a few of the tips she recommended totally changed my cycle - without any costly drugs or procedures.
I wish you all the best. You are completely right, Noah is adorable and I think that you are amazing to find the beauty in having just one child.
Mostly, I just wanted to tell you that the joy doesn't multiply times two with two. The magnification of love is infinitessimal. Not only is their your love for that second child, but there is that child's love for you, and child #1's love for that child and vice versa. It's enough to keep you knee deep in diapers (and children) for the rest of your life. For the record, I have 3. There is 3.5 years between the three of them and it has been the most rewarding thing I've ever done. We're currently contemplating #4. And also, I think I'm still normal. I have girlfriends and parties while 90% of my day is about being a mother, I'm still me.
Good luck! I hope your heart gets to enjoy that feeling of "mother to two."
Take that risk. It's so hard and so scary and crushing to be disappointed, but if you don't you'll always wish you had. (That's probably why you're considering it anyway! so you know this of course). The best of luck to you and your family!!!
I just wanted to say....I know exactly what you are going through. I (I mean we) tried for 15 months to get preggers with Ally, 3 of those months were with me on Clomid. I know how you felt being on it. We have decided to try again for #2...and are trying with no drugs until September. If nothing happens by then...Clomid here we come!!!! Good luck ;)
talk about delivering on the promise of a Clomid/fertility entry. :) things'll work out one way or another. not that I know anything about kids, but what stood out most from your entry was that you can see how blessed/happy you will be in either situation (one kid or two)... so you already have a leg up on things, y'know?
good luck, and as always, we'll be along for the ride.
(from one of those ten people who've been reading you since the olden days)
Um, possibly stupid question, as I admittedly have no advanced knowledge of infertility, but is Clomid the only option of the pharmaceutical variety?
This is quite possibly the most beautiful thing you have ever written. Thank you.
Clomid is the crank of the fertility drugs. You'd think all of those other (read IVF) drugs would be harder on you, but they're not. They are pharmacutical grade cocaine or something (in comparison to clomid).
Sorry it's so hard for you and wishing you another freebie in the very near future!
Just keep doing what you're doing and enjoy Noah with everything you have. You did it once, you'll do it again. Happy Mother's Day!
"I look at his face and know that he is enough. He is more than enough. And yet because he is enough, more than enough, to fill my heart and life with such mind-boggling amounts of joy, I cannot help but wonder what it must be like to have that joy times two."
Beautifully said. I have never heard anyone really answer the question of "Why?" they want another baby so perfectly. I am totally nodding my head here saying "Exactly!!!"
I want if for you too.
It isn't joy times two. It is joy squared. It is also agita squared.
I wish you peace.
Just an opinion: Try not to put time limits on yourself. That alone could make you crazy. Enjoy each day and take them as they come. I'm a great believer in the 'relaxed vs drug' way to go. You can't relax if you put pressure and deadlines and what ifs upon yourself. What a beautiful baby boy you have, hang onto and enjoy every precious second you have with him, they are fleeting. Good luck!