(Yes, I'm procrastinating on that entry about Clomid and fertility so you get this intead.)
What I Did On My Bloggy Vacation

Number Two

This morning Noah and I played our game of Gimme Kisses. I tell him to gimme kisses, please. He shakes his head no, and then I swoop in for a kiss anyway, while making a big, exaggerated mmmmmmmmmmmmmMWA sound. Then he giggles.

This morning I stopped playing after a few kisses. He started humming. "Mmmmmm." He reached up and put his hands on my cheeks and leaned in.

"MWA!" he shrieked, covering my face with kisses. Then we both giggled.

Yeah. I gotta get me another one of these.

***
Two things I said I'd never do again:

1) Have another child.
2) Take Clomid.

They went together pretty nicely, I thought.

But like a lot things I swore I'd never do (suburbs! yard! skinny jeans! hotdogs for lunch!), I changed my mind about Number One. I want another baby. WE want another baby.

The five of you who read the ClubMom blog know that Jason and I have been trying for awhile now. I don't know how long, exactly. Maybe since Noah's first birthday? Maybe even before that? I seem to remember using the BlogHer swag bag condom at some point, but honestly, we've never really used birth control since Noah was born.

"It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world," Jason said once about a second pregnancy, while I pondered the calendar in a minor morning-after freakout and looked at him, like THAT'S BITCH-CRAZY TALK, HELL YES IT WOULD BE, OUR CHILD STILL HAS POOPS THAT SHOOT PAST HIS NECK.

But then I gradually came around to his way of thinking. No, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. In a lot of ways it would be pretty great.

***
Which brings us to rethinking Thing Number Two. Stupid Number Two.

The 10 of you who have been reading all along might remember that I took Clomid for a few months with no success, waaay back in 2004.  Those were pretty much the most miserable months of my life and I went completely batshit crazy afterwards, with depression and panic and I was just all around a Big Hot Mess. (I can't even bring myself to link to the entries from that time, even though they don't even begin to really express just how bad things got.)

I'm not sure if I've ever really spelled out my fertility issues here, so for those just joining us: I am annovulatory. I do not ovulate on my own, ever. I get periods -- usually every 45 to 50 days, but sometimes much more infrequent. In 2001 (2002? god, am senile. where the fuck are my keys?) I got two periods for the entire year.

We don't really know why -- I don't have PCOS or thyroid problems. I had an eating disorder all through high school, but I'd already had irregular periods for a few years before my anorexia developed. So I float around in the pool of Unexplained Infertility, watching my cycles get longer and more whacked out by the month. It's not insurmountable and it's not the end of the world -- but it's enough to color and complicate your reproductive plans.

After upping the dose of Clomid a couple times, I managed to ovulate, but didn't conceive. Then I got sick and we decided to take some time off from the baby-making and try again in the new year.

Then, of course, I fucking got pregnant. Like a normal human being, without Clomid or an IUI or even a damn thermometer. (The people who told me it was because I "just relaxed" are all buried under the floorboards of our old condo, thankyouverymuch.)

That pretty much brings us to now. I hoped that having Noah would "fix" everything. Like he was this 9-pound, 15-ounce Post-It Note that said HEY LOOK! WAY TO GO ON THE FULFILLING OF YOUR PRIMARY PURPOSE, OVARIES!

But no, everything is the same as it has always been. Which means we have two options:

1) Wait and see if we get lucky again.
2) Try Clomid again.

Stupid Number Two.

***
I don't know what option we're going to go with, honestly. On the one hand, I'm sick of thinking about this and marking tiny yet ultimately useless X's on the calendar. I'm sick of wondering if we'll get lucky next month or next year or ever.

On the other hand, I don't necessarily feel ready right this second to have another baby. Sometimes I still feel like I just HAD a baby. That I still HAVE a baby. That it's too soon and too much and maybe we should just let it happen when it's meant to happen, like Jason always said pre-Noah, and it pisses me off that he was right because I don't necessarily believe that things always happen when they're "meant" to happen, I mean, look at every reality TV show in the history of reality TV shows where my favorite contestant got voted off too soon.

On the other hand, Jason and I are both much, MUCH younger than our siblings. In a lot of ways we were only children. Which wasn't bad at all, oh no, but...I don't know. I think I'd enjoy watching Noah grow up with a sibling close to his age and wonder if we shouldn't get a little aggressive before too much time passes. I worry he'll be spoiled or lonely on his own, blah blah typical family planning mindfuck.

On the other hand, Clomid made me crazy.

I wonder if it would be as bad this time, since maybe I would be (shut up) more relaxed, since I have Noah and the knowledge that I CAN get pregnant and CAN carry to term, and honestly, I don't necessarily feel like not having a second child would be any big devastating thing. I mean, we want one, but if you told me tomorrow that our family was complete as-is I'd still feel pretty damn lucky and content.

On the other hand, I might only think that because deep down, I'm secretly pretty smug and confident that we'll be able to have a second baby eventually.

On the other hand, I am fresh out of other hands. I'm talking in circles and boring even myself. And I find myself pretty fascinating. Look! My belly button is squishy.

***

Img_7431

I look at his face and know that he is enough. He is more than enough. And yet because he is enough, more than enough, to fill my heart and life with such mind-boggling amounts of joy, I cannot help but wonder what it must be like to have that joy times two.

I cannot help but to take his face in my hands and cover it with kisses, while silently praying gimme baby. Please.

Comments

Miss W

I hear ya, Amy. I hear ya. Sending you much love.

Kate

Working on #3, trying not to get crazy over it. I know I have 2 wonderful/fabulous/perfect children, but I still want one more and my body isn't cooperating. Mine is PCOS, though. I wish you luck, Amy!

Tirzah

Well I wish you the best on your venture with number two. Noah is gorgeous and fulfilling for you and yet having a brother or sister to play with would be fantastic! Our girls are 2 2/2 years apart, well all 2 kids are 2 years apart. Pretty nifty. Kalayah and Austin are one 2 years and 6 days apart, but everyone gets along really well. Except when they fight. Kids. Gotta love em!

Melody

you know it's a vicious cycle that you'll drive yourself mad crazy..
even without taking the clomid! i had #1 w/o issue.. then I wanted #2 and couldn't. gave up and stopped.. 6years later.. SURPRISE! i love them being this far apart.. I had all that time with my boy and loved every single second of it, when the girlie came alone, he was sick of me already.. so I got to start corrupting another one without any sibling interference. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

wilddreemer

your belly button is squishy...yeah well mine smells weird when i poke it...wait, was that one of those things you dont talk about? hmmmm!

Stacy

Hi Amy, I had my daughter (she is 7 mths) via the miracle of IVF - after trying everything first including the most evil clomid. I just want to tell you that after months of suffering from that medication I found the other fertility meds to be - although not a picnic - not nearly as bad as clomid. I hope that things work out for you - Good Luck!
PS I am currently pg with #2! no science intervention this time - just another miracle :)

emily

I hope that things work out for you. What you said at the end, about Noah being enough, but it making you wonder about two - so beautifully said. And so, so true.

kel.

Oh honey, I hope you get every little thing your heart desires! Hang in there!

becca

I like the small age gap-- probably because my sister and I were so close, and I timed my kids that way. We seem to come from an amazing fertile family (my cousin famously got pregnant on TWO forms of birth control), but the second baby trying took longer. Maybe we measure it differently... With the first, you don't have a timeline-- just Now or Soon. With the second, each month is another between them, and it adds more pressure.

Either way, have fun getting there. Really. Even with all the failed attempts and Almosts, trying get pregnant is a ultimately a time of hope, love, and hopefully great bedroom romps. :-D At least it was for us, and I'm wishing for you.

I've been waiting for this entry. I can't wait until we get the IT'S POSITIVE one.

Missie

My son was the cake, the icing, and the gooey chocolate filling to me. Then, 9.5 yrs later, my daughter became the sprinkly doodads and candles on top.

(sidenote: Sprinkly Doodads has been crying nonstop for 2.5 hours. While I love Sprinkly Doodads with all my heart, I wish she would SHUT THE HECK UP ALREADY and take the stinkin nap!)

Jennie

I'm not a mother, and I don't know if when I attempt to be one, I'll be met with difficulty. I hope, if I do, I handle it with the same amount of grace and humor and realism and articulation and altogether knock-me-on-my-ass strength that you seem to handle it with. Until then, and in regards to your own journey, I'll hope for you.

Li'l Foot's mommy

Good Luck Amy with whatever you decide to do. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for 2 years and when I finally did get pregnant I had an ectopic and then we tried again a few months later but got frustrated because it wasn't working and I was just days away from starting Clomid when you guessed it, pregnant. In fact, I found out the day before mother's day last year that I was pregnant :-) We had a baby girl this past January. I kind of cringe when I think about what the process will be like to get pregnant again.

You have a beautiful son.

Have a WONDERFUL MOTHER'S DAY AMY!!!!! Enjoy it!!!

Vaguely Urban

I'm one of the (way more than) 10 who's been been reading since the pre-conception days. I hope that your path is easier this time, and believe it will be because you have Noah now.

Good luck, my friend.

Claire

I wish you guys the best of luck in trying, I am not married, far away from having kids, and I've wondered all these years how stupid I've been and if when I finally want one, will it happen? Best of luck, and happy mother's day!

Tory

Amy, I'm one of those 45 day cyclers too (we briefly discussed this in e-mail quite some time ago, though I'm sure you don't remember that! :p) and I'm in the same struggle, except that I'm wondering what to do (or not do) about having my first child.

I'm not sure if I should just go on as per usual and "let things happen" or start checking into some scientific intervention... I don't know if I'm ready for the science to get all up in my... um... grill.

Everything you said rings true to me, and I'm not really sure what the point of this comment is other than to say keep on musing out loud here, because maybe if you figure it out, I might be able to too...

nonsoccermom

Oh, Amy. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I don't know what else to say.

Noah gets more and more gorgeous, by the way.

Mrs. Q.

We tried for two years to no avail. I had two surgeries, my husband was told his guys were 'uncooperative', so they reco'd Clomid and IVF. My dad was dying of cancer and I decided we needed to take time off before I was able to handle any of that. Then BOOM-- got pregnant two months later, four months before my dad died. So those people who tell you to "just relax"-- eat it. During the darkest point of my life our little guy was conceived.

Last summer we decided that things could take a while, so we better start trying again and BOOM, pregnant on the first try. Some people say that your body is just more 'willing' the second time around.

So now I'm sitting here nine months pregnant after just celebrating #1's 2nd birthday. Terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. It is not easy being pregnant with a toddler, and I'm sure will be maddening in two more weeks, but we feel blessed. You will too. Sending happy egg/sperm vibes your way...

Happy mother's day...

Stephanie

We always said only 1. And now we have 1. But I then thought maybe number 2...until the Dr. advised that it was not the best idea he'd heard of (uterus dropping and all after giving birth to number 1). So, maybe some things are meant to be. Best of luck with whatever road you travel.

Catherin

Because of a terrifying delivery with #1, there is a five year gap between my first and my second, who is now two and has a baby brother (five months).

I thought the gap would be too big, that the first two would never connect. But when i see my middle child run up to his big brother and hug him, yelling his name, I know that they'll be just fine. Please don't worry about a largeish age gap. It's all about how you, as parents, promote the sibling relationships.

And I wish you luck, whatever happens.

stay-at-home mommy

Never thought I'd come out with it in a public forum to a bunch of strangers, but I am also annovulatory. Never met another one like me so pleased to read you, Amy! I used progesterone to get a period to start and then used Clomid to get pregnant. In my case, I was lucky and got pregnant right away the first time. The second time just happened, out of the blue, like with you and Noah. I'm wishing you all the luck in the world whether or not you choose to go on Clomid again. I hope you get perfect baby #2 soon!

cagey

Sigh.

I have PCOS and had been told since my early 20s I would have problems conceiving. Of course, it turned out that I was anything but infertile, but I've never, ever forgotten that Black Cloud of Infertility and all the dire predictions handed down from doctor after doctor that loomed over my head for 9 years. It's why posts like this still strike me to the very core.

Of course, there isn't much that I can say except this positive nugget - it's very obvious that you are in a much, much better place this time around in your life. And dammit, that better count for something. I certainly hope so for you, Jason and Noah.

Becca

Fertility is hard. It's confusing, it doesn't make sense, and damn it! We can't control it! I've had fertility problems of another kind. So far, getting pregnant hasn't been the problem. STAYING pregnant has been. So far, fourth time's the charm, and we await our daughter's arrival in August. I'm excited to not have to worry about fertility or cycles or pregnancy or miscarriage for awhile. Then, I worry about number 2. I KNOW I want a second baby. I KNOW how hard the miscarriages were on me. I'm scared of it being so hard again, when it also affects my perfect little girl. I'm scared of how I'll react when I miscarry another baby. I'm scared of the whole process. Not the same situation as you, but I think I understand, sort of. Noah is enough, but that doesn't mean you aren't missing the baby that's yet to be. Another beautiful post. Sending you all the luck in the world, whatever you decide and however your journey is to your Number Two.

statia

I'm where you were right after Noah was born. The kid is only ten weeks old and there is no way in hell you could pay me to do that again, and we feel pretty complete with our son. I wouldn't trade him in for the world, but it's seriously hard as hell.

That said, there's something to be said about having a sibling around after you're gone. But then again, there's a pretty big age difference between my younger sister and my older brother, and most of the time, we don't even get along.

Donna P

Good luck with number two.
Hang in there. Relax.
I seem to remember booze helped?

You have a lovely little guy there.
Cyber MWA's all around.

Happy Mother's Day, Amy

Tuesday

I am with you. Although I have been prone to being VERY fertile in the past how come this time it has been months and nothing?
I also had a miscarriage in September so now even if I get pregnant I will freak until the baby actually comes out of my body.
They I will freak some more.

ladybug

I wish for you a wonderful Mother's Day and a prayer that next year Noah has help making the day even more special for you!

My sister introduced me to your site and I've been catching up with your archives ever since. I just finished 2004. I think we've been leading parallel lives. I cried similar tears of sadness when I had trouble getting pregnant (though I don't think I was as depressed as you) and the same tears of joy/happiness (I skipped ahead to Jason's post when Noah was born). I was on Clomid (off and on, more on than off, for nine months in 2004). Nothing. Then, through the miracle of IVF we were blessed with our baby girl in December 2005 making our family of four complete (my son is older and while it took a while, he was conceived naturally).

You have made me laugh. I love your drunk posts, you are so very funny. You have made my heart ache. I share your pain from high school, although it's hard to imagine you as dorky as I was. Thank you.

Have a wonderful, WONDERFUL Mother's Day!

isabel

Delurking to say GOOD LUCK. Really. Coming from an infertile-for-5-years-until-third-IVF-FINALLY -worked woman, I feel your reservations about the drugs. I also second a previous poster's comment that some of the other fertility drugs can be a whole lot better feeling than Clomid. You might want to check out the "newer" options.

Lisa

Hello
I normally just lurk but i wanted to say Happy Noah's mommy day to you.

Kyla

I hope you get the joy times two, Amy.

jodi

oh Amy, no advice, just sending internet hugs. Two of the women in my playgroup are desperate for baby #2 and they are struggling also.

But, I just want to say as someone who is having an only by choice, thanks for not saying that the worst thing in the world for Noah would be to grow up w/out a sibling and only children are the horror of the world and yada yada yada.

It will figure itself out. It has to.

Molly

It's such a hard, hard decision when the stakes are so high.
We lost a baby daughter due to an incompetent cervix at 5 1/2 months.
We had our son right around the time you had Noah, (I got stitched up this time) and I think that is going to do it for us. He has lots of cousins, so hopefully they'll be like brothers to him, but still I worry that he will be alone in the world....

Tamara

I don't think there is a right thing to say about these issues. BUT!!! You and Jason make pretty damn great babies, it seems, and I think you are bound to create another one, one way or another. Happy Mother's Day.

Sarah

Amy, you have pretty much exactly described the circles I run myself in trying to come to terms with the fact that I want more children, but my daughter is all I could have ever hoped for, and she's enough, but wouldn't more be awesome?

It took a while for me to conceive my daughter, and we've just started trying again, so I spend half my days praying for a baby and the other half trying to get some perspective and remind myself of everything I already have. It makes my head hurt sometimes!

Jen

I'm so sorry you didn't get magically fertile after Noah's birth; you hear enough stories that you get that evil hope going, and then...nada.

As several others suggested, it might be worth talking to your doctor about Clomid alternatives. I would hope that maybe this time around, Clomid might not be so crazy-making because you have something (someone!) already taking so much of your time and energy. But I can understand the fear of directing all that crazy at such a sweet little boy, too.

Best of luck. It's a hard place to be.

Melanie

Delurking also to wish for you the best possible outcome. And that's all. No well-meaning but ultimately valueless advice.
Just good luck. And also Happy Mother's Day.

JSauce

The absolute best of luck to you and Jason, and Noah! May the stork bring you a "SURPRISE!" very soon.

I'd also like to thank you for this post, because it's very eye-opening about your condition - and very similar to my own symptoms...I've read the previous "Entries we do not Speak Of," but for some reason never really thought I could have something similar? I've been checked out before, but nothing came of it, and honestly, who complains about not having a period each month when you aren't thinking about kids, lol. But my time for baby is fast approaching, and this is definitely something I'm going to look into...

mortimersmom

think about it this way: if you take Clmid and get pregnant right away, you are still at best 10 months away from Baby #2. Realistically speaking, you are more like at minimum 1 year away, at which point, Noah will be screaming obseneties at you and wanting nothing to do with you, as 3 y.o. tend to do, so by then, you'll be grateful you took the Assvice of the Internets and didn't wait too long. And if it ends up taking longer, you can claim you always wanted them "more spaced apart"... and then, you know, delete the Google Cache so nobody can prove otherwise.

Erin

You did such a great job here capturing the whole "if my child is as perfect and wonderful as I know him to be, why do I want/need another one?" I never thought I would have more than one - until my first kid turned one and entered that delightful little boy stage that has just been a pleasure to experience. And of course, I have had the opposite experience - easy getting pg the first time, and harder this time thus far. In any case, I get you on this issue and wish us both patience, luck, peace of mind and a new kid.

CK

This is assvice...and I'm sorry. But read The Infertility Cure by Rancine Lewis...it is amazing and will give you a whole new "natural" approach to figuring infertility...without doing stupid Clomid. Just doing a few of the tips she recommended totally changed my cycle - without any costly drugs or procedures.

I wish you all the best. You are completely right, Noah is adorable and I think that you are amazing to find the beauty in having just one child.

Alissa

Mostly, I just wanted to tell you that the joy doesn't multiply times two with two. The magnification of love is infinitessimal. Not only is their your love for that second child, but there is that child's love for you, and child #1's love for that child and vice versa. It's enough to keep you knee deep in diapers (and children) for the rest of your life. For the record, I have 3. There is 3.5 years between the three of them and it has been the most rewarding thing I've ever done. We're currently contemplating #4. And also, I think I'm still normal. I have girlfriends and parties while 90% of my day is about being a mother, I'm still me.

Good luck! I hope your heart gets to enjoy that feeling of "mother to two."

Jane

Take that risk. It's so hard and so scary and crushing to be disappointed, but if you don't you'll always wish you had. (That's probably why you're considering it anyway! so you know this of course). The best of luck to you and your family!!!

Wendy Johnston

I just wanted to say....I know exactly what you are going through. I (I mean we) tried for 15 months to get preggers with Ally, 3 of those months were with me on Clomid. I know how you felt being on it. We have decided to try again for #2...and are trying with no drugs until September. If nothing happens by then...Clomid here we come!!!! Good luck ;)

jen

talk about delivering on the promise of a Clomid/fertility entry. :) things'll work out one way or another. not that I know anything about kids, but what stood out most from your entry was that you can see how blessed/happy you will be in either situation (one kid or two)... so you already have a leg up on things, y'know?

good luck, and as always, we'll be along for the ride.

(from one of those ten people who've been reading you since the olden days)

Suzy Q

Um, possibly stupid question, as I admittedly have no advanced knowledge of infertility, but is Clomid the only option of the pharmaceutical variety?

AnotherAmy

This is quite possibly the most beautiful thing you have ever written. Thank you.

Leslie

Clomid is the crank of the fertility drugs. You'd think all of those other (read IVF) drugs would be harder on you, but they're not. They are pharmacutical grade cocaine or something (in comparison to clomid).

Sorry it's so hard for you and wishing you another freebie in the very near future!

alison

Just keep doing what you're doing and enjoy Noah with everything you have. You did it once, you'll do it again. Happy Mother's Day!

jody

"I look at his face and know that he is enough. He is more than enough. And yet because he is enough, more than enough, to fill my heart and life with such mind-boggling amounts of joy, I cannot help but wonder what it must be like to have that joy times two."

Beautifully said. I have never heard anyone really answer the question of "Why?" they want another baby so perfectly. I am totally nodding my head here saying "Exactly!!!"

I want if for you too.

Lori

It isn't joy times two. It is joy squared. It is also agita squared.
I wish you peace.

Kat

Just an opinion: Try not to put time limits on yourself. That alone could make you crazy. Enjoy each day and take them as they come. I'm a great believer in the 'relaxed vs drug' way to go. You can't relax if you put pressure and deadlines and what ifs upon yourself. What a beautiful baby boy you have, hang onto and enjoy every precious second you have with him, they are fleeting. Good luck!

Rebecca

MWAH!!!!!!

Caroline

No assvice here, I promise, but I'd like to share a thought...

I'm 42 (yeah, we crones love your blog, too!) and I have one natural son of my own (he's 21) and four stepchildren, 3 girls and a boy, ages 16-19, that I've raised as my own since 1997. Obviously my childbearing days are over, even if I still ovulate... and now I'm patiently (!) waiting for grandchildren, oh holy shit...

...but here is a little secret: I wish, more often than I care to admit, that I'd had another of my own. Just ONE more of my very very very own. So that I never have to worry WHAT IF when my son drives too fast or stays out late or moves to the Mainland, as he'll be doing in just a week and a half. WHAT IF I lose him? o god, what would I DO? Undoubtedly most parents think this about ALL their children, and I can't fathom losing any of my stepkids, but maybe parents of only children are particularly weird about this sort of thing.

Or at least *I* am. Happy Mother's Day, Amy, to you and me and all of us!

Heather

Good luck, mama. I'll say a prayer to whoever is out there. Goddess? Allah? Who knows...I digress (again).

Good luck, mama.

JoyLynn

I, too, am annovulatory [though a bit jealous of the 45 to 60 day cycles...mine seem to go more 90 to 120 days]. I've also fought the Clomid battle [with injections!] and now have a simply beautiful baby boy [15 months].

Kyle and I have had some of the same conversations I'm sure you've had with Jason. Unfortunately, the answer is not an easy one.

I wish you all the best in your attempts, and wait [im]patiently for the + test. Happy Mother's Day!

wilddreemer

this is no big deal, as soon as you feel like you are at your absolute possible wits end with Noah and your going so nuts you want to put him in a closet and you in a ball in another closet...then you will totally get knocked up, at least thats what happened with me!

Zu

Sending good wishes and happy thoughts your way. Whether you end up with one child or two, know it is great either way. Sometimes having two is better because they have a companion and sometimes having one is better because then you always know exactly who shaved the dog and colored him with markers.

Sarah

Hi Amy,

Have you been checked for prolactinoma? If it is the case, there is a sure drug for that.
Also, I have a question. I'm 31 and been married for more than 6 years. I'd love to have a kid and I understand how somebody might want to have another kid so there is a sibling for the baby, but here is my problem: I absolutely can not understand wanting to have another baby, cause you had one and you loved it. I am not being sarcastic or anything, just need help ...
in fact I've been reading your blig just to make myself want a baby! what is wrong with me? Other than this I'm almost completely normal.

margalit

It sounds to me like it's time to get yourself a new RE and start over. But skip the Clomid. It makes everyone nuts, and it isn't anywhere near as good as doing an injectable cycle. Which will work better because it really does give those ovaries a kick in the ass.

I think it's time for a real battery of tests. People aren't just annovulatory. There is a reason... and if you find it, you can fix it.

8 years... 8 freaking years, 4 miscarriages, and two beautiful babies.

Amber

i have a son that started out 9lb 13oz. he is enough. but my heart is big, and i know another baby would be enough too.

8 fresh IVF's, 3 FET's...and i am ready to try again. because it just might work.

I feel your pain. and I am sorry.

Ashley

I hope you have a wonderful mother's day :)

julianna

Babies are confounding things. In my first marriage, I wanted one so badly I could taste it, and yet he decided after a few years he didn't ever want any. I remember crying at night when he went to sleep because I felt so alone. Then I got re-married to one who loves children and wants FOUR babies, but then it turned out he couldn't come here and I couldn't move there.. and finally now that he CAN come and I feel OLD and CHILDLESS, the barren thing is eating at me and I am so afraid I won't be able to have babies for a variety of reasons. And then what? What if I can't and he leaves? So i still feel alone. I really want to try as soon as possible but he keeps mentioning responsible things like "jobs" and "income" and "insurance" and I feel like time is running out. FOUR! And you and I are the same age. I bought a maternity cardigan from Old Navy the other day, 2 diaper bags, and a metrowrap. They make me feel a bit better, like something could happen. I want a reason to even have them in the first place. I feel crazy, like surely I am nuts for doing this. I bought the ovulation clearblue test because I was curious, but haven't had the strength to try it yet. I have always been terrified that I can't have children. The Fleurville Ogo Mothership and Fleurville escape pod help a bit with that, but I still see them and think about how I wish I had a reason for it, or a reason to hope for it.

This winter we are (still) hoping to have a reception for my family in Avalon, CA. Of course today it's on fire, which is perfect both for those poor people and animals, and also for my own selfish reasons. I had even gotten to the point where I was thinking it would be just fine to have a bump under my wedding dress.

Who knows about either one at this point.

I really hope you get a second one. Think you'll want more than 2? I charted myself out and I am a non-deviating 29-days, and I'm hoping that says something for me. Good thing about this time around for you is you'll know better what to expect and a lot of the truths will be there and accepted already :)

vickie

Hey Amy!

I want to add my good wishes to all the others'!

I'm sure someone's already said this, but you have one plus on your side--you're young and healthy! But most of all, young. I'm in my mid-30s heading for my late 30s! I worry about whether I'll still have as easy a time conceiving and carrying #2 when we're finally ready for it, since realistically I have 5-6 years left. You have more than twice that.

I hear you about having sibs close in age, and it would be great. But maybe the universe knows something you guys don't--maybe you'll get #2 when it's really right for all 4 of you.

Stay healthy!

Jenn

Clomid did the same thing to me. It also didn't work for a live baby. I was terrified of injectibles because of what Clomid did, but it was SO MUCH BETTER. I got tired, really tired, but that was my only side effect.

Milehigh

Well, I've been a shy, silent reader for a while now but felt I had to respond to this one. I just gave my 2 and 4 year old a bath. Quite the experience. Water all over the floor, bubbles in the bath (fart not the store bought kind). I wouldn't trade it for the world. All their fighting, giggling, raspberries, even farts as the punch line to a joke make my life blessed. Keep up with the x's. Try the Clomid. Make sure a doctor monitors you for batshit crazy. They can help. Useless advice from a cyber unknown, but heartfelt nonetheless. I'll be cheering for your ovaries.

Libby

You can do it, Amy. And it'll be great! Best of luck to you and Jason--Happy Mothers Day from another of your many old crone fans!(Although I prefer 'Geezer' fans)

Alexa

clomid did nothing..but metformin did!

Anna

Hi Amy,

Long time lurker here and just wanted to send you lots and lots of pregnancy vibes. I just had my first baby girl 3/11 and I can't imagine having another one RIGHT NOW but I know that I do want another one. All she has to do is smile at me and all my troubles, especially not having enough sleep, melts away! Good luck and Happy Mother's Day!!!

Kristie

Here is my most profound piece of advice:

Try. You will never regret trying. You *might*, someday, regret not trying.

And best of luck to you.

Kristie

lee-lee

I am pretty sure I am also annovulatory 45 to 60 day cycles... And I am so scared about what to do! Life is hard enough to deal with. I am looking for a good doctor at this point. I live in Maryland area near the Ulta store. If you can recommend anything to me please email me. And good luck to you and your family and I will be praying for you!!!

Lizarita

Wow. Much love and luck to you and Jason and Noah. Either way.

cate

Nothing profound to say, I just want to wish you and Jason the best.

baseballmom

I so know how you feel...it took us six years after our first one--he only took 6 mos. after going off the pill--I had totally given up, and was looking into international adoption (my husband is Filipino). Because of the cost, we couldn't do it, and I just decided that T was enough, and that I was not meant to have another one, but just to give him everything that I had. Finally, I missed a period, and then another, and thought maybe it was early menopause...I didn't believe it until I took two POAS tests, and a blood test at the Dr.'s office, and believe me, #2 is a challenge, but he was worth the wait! Best of luck to you guys, whatever you decide to do!

Paula

I just read this entry and cried. I too am annovulatory (don't you just HATE that word?) and 9 rounds of Clomid made me insane. That was 2 years ago, 4 miscarriages, and 3 doctors later and still nothing. Infertility is a sucky club that no one wants to belong to but many have a free lifetime membership. In fact, I came across your blog while doing a search for Clomid via Google and have been with you ever since you fell down the steps and shouted out that you were pregnant, saying it out loud for the first time. Whether you try the Clomid again or let your body try it on it's own, I send positive vibes your way. Just know that you are an inspiration to me, another member of the club.

Happy Mother's Day!

tiffany


on the brightside, maybe clomid will give you a neverending stream of interesting things to blog about?

i know that's not funny...

but when you first mentioned this, i thought: well, maybe it won't be as bad because she'll know what to expect...

i've never been on clomid...been spending my time trying *not* to get pregnant, actually. but i have been on a drug that mindfucked me pretty hard. no lube, either. once i knew what was going on, it got a little better. obviously, i still flew off the handle about stupid things, and had moments of major ugliness and that whole feeling that there was no point to being alive...but there was a little piece of my brain hiding and whispering quietly, continuously, this isn't really you. you are going to be ok. breathe.

i hope this doesn't come off as assvice...i just want you to be ok!

p.s.
happy mother's day!

Sara

Amy,
I hear you. I am in the same boat. Waiting and wondering every month is brutal. I was pregnant once, but lost the baby. It was quite the ordeal. I will save you the details, but I was pretty much devastated. The docs told me that I will be able to carry to full-term, yet nothing has happened since then --it has been 2 years. Each month I hold my breath and wait. I recently quit my day job "to relax" -- yet, as with you, no luck thus far. Just remember to smile. It is all you can do. Keep trying and think positive. Until it happens (which it will), you'll just have to enjoy practicing for when you and Jason do get around to making that perfect second baby. Good Luck!

Dawn

I was also cursed with "unexplained"infertility after trying to conceive for two and a half years. Clomid made me crazy and sad. Being a lesbo in San Francisco complicated matters until I passed the buck to my partner. Three months later we were stunned to see that beautiful heartbeat on the sonogram and now our 9 month old daughter is driving us nuts. No advice or counsel to offer really. Try and try-and enjoy trying:) Or get a girlfriend who ovulates on demand like mine does.

Kek

Not sure if you're ready? Uh... you're NEVER ready. For the first, the second or the third. Or the 17th, I'm sure (although I haven't actually tested this out)

People will criticise you, no matter whether you have 1 child or 20, or whatever the age difference between them. So good luck - I hope you achieve your 'perfect family' dreams.

heidi

aww amy, i wish i could answer your "gimme" with the happy news you want to hear. but since i cant, i will give you what i can, which is a written hug, and the encouragement that your writing is so honest and truthful, that i know you are providing some sort of safe place for women all over the planet who are feeling the same way as you. and for that, for having the ability to make someone feel a little bit less alone, makes you a wonderful human being. i will be keeping my fingers crossed for you guys...

Tam.

Amy,

When I was going through my whole unexplained fertility thing, my RE put me on Clomid and I got pg first try, but it was ectopic. Then she tried me on Femara. Works like Clomid w/o the yucky side effects. It didn't work for me, but it has for many... Then came the IUI and the IVF which didn't work either. Sooo, while preparing for IVF #2, I got that Infertility Cure book, took a bunch of crazy herbs, saw Sen Huang in DC for accupuncture..(like going to the spa!), and lo behold, pregnant one month into it. At the ripe age of 38. My son just turned 1 and I am now 40 and thinking of doing it again...help me Jesus...:)

Happy Mama Day, Amy! I so wish the best for ya!!!!!!!!

jodi

oh Amy, I just wanted to add I don't live far from you and I have a fabulous dr. that speacilizes in infertility. I (luckily) didn't need them for that, but after a very difficult pregnancy I was thrilled to have such phenomonal medical care. So, if you are thinking of changing drs email me.

Polly

I'm right there with you. We had our first baby 6 months ago via IVF (male factor issues) and, even though it happened on our first IVF attempt, we both feel like we absolutely cannot go through the emotional roller coaster again. On the other hand, I feel like it's maybe like the hell of labor and delivery. I'm sort of starting to "forget" how heinous it all was and maybe, MAYBE, in a year or two we will want to give it another try? In any event, not really using any type of birth control.....

Kristy

First and foremost, I wish you luck. I am currently suffering from secondary infertility. I had my first child after trying for 6 months. I had PCOS at the time but did not even know.

There are two things I have learned about infertility. 1. it sucks to cope with 2. everyone has advice, they’re not always right.

Regarding Femara

http://infertility.about.com/b/a/223262.htm

http://www.weitzlux.com/Femara/faqs_156835.html

Metformin is the same thing as Glucophage. This is a drug used for PCOS sufferers who have insulin issues. Metformin/Glucophage. “Metformin sensitizes the cells to insulin thus lowering the body's production of insulin and consequently reducing androgen production. Once androgen production has been normalized, ovulation often resumes.”

http://www.northshorefertility.com/fertility_drug_metformin-solo.html

Metformin is not a fertility drug. It helps only those with PCOS. Femara is dangerous. Most people want a baby, but without risk for birth defects I’m sure.

From everything I’ve read and or been told about Clomid it is certainly difficult to bear. I’m about to begin and I feel sorry for my husband, my dog, my son and everyone else that might have to be around me including myself.

Much luck and wishes for all things wonderful for you and your family.


Mallory

I wish you lots of sweet sloppy kisses...oh and a baby too!

Tam.

Amy,

Nix my Femara advice....things have apparently changed since I took it back in 2005. Sorry for that ASS-vice!!!

Best,
Tam

Joanne

I'm 39 and have one boy and we're open to having another one. Or two, or whatever. But we've been trying for ... well, forever, as we're never not trying, and I had one miscarriage already and then I was reading STUPID People magazine and some letter to the editor about Marcia Cross and someone wrote and said thanks for being honest about it being nearly *impossible* to get pregnant when you're near 40. I didn't think I was that upset about it until I read that and I thought really? I can't have any more? I'm trying to go with the flow on it, but man. It's hard to not get what you want.

Kari

Am rather proud of my reading comprehension skills from the last post.

Best of luck to you and Jason. I don't yet have children and don't know if I will. Somehow, this post touched on the feelings that I have about not having children. Still not sure and likely running out of time to decide.

Happy Mother's Day.

Penny

I am just wondering if Femara/Letrazole was ever considered for you? The question is not meant as smarmy advice; I experience periodic annov cycles also, but not PCOS. I was put on a round of Letrazole, and it worked, and no crazy side effects. So I was surprised when I learned that it doesn't seem to be widely used. I just wonder why, and if your doc's considered this and if so, why did s/he dismiss it before resorting to clomid?

Lisa M

Happy Mother's Day and may you and your husband enjoy your life and family!

Penny

Um, femara is not dangerous (refering to Kristy's post above). There was a single study, not peer reviewed, and widely criticized for it's lack of control factors, that suggested that taking femara increases risk of birth defects.

It can't. It doesn't even stay in the body for more than 48 hrs, which is way before you ovulate.

It is suggested that the folks taking femara tend to be older and have other fertility problems, which explains the increased birth defects trend the study claimed, but even then, the statistical significance was weak and the control population was abnormal.

Kira

Wow, doncha love how much easier our lives are as women, now that we have all these choices?
Heh. Heh.
*sigh*
Wishing you luck, wishing you peace along the way. Wishing you another face to cover with kisses.

Elisa

Good luck, Amalah, I do believe that everything works out for the best in the end. I hope that your wishes are fulfilled.

Molly

I did not read all the comments, so I don't know if someone has already posted about this, but I have had a friend and known other women with what sounds like similar fertility issues. They had success with accupuncture, which did not make them crazy, depressed or sick. Something to think about maybe... Good luck with sorting out all the questions and feelings associated with this.

Michele

I have two boys, and had my tubes tied after #2. We decided that two was perfect for us; I remember going thru the 2nd pregnancy and thinking I was glad that it was the last time I'd be doing it. Same thing immediately post-delivery. And I was SO glad when #2 was potty trained.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I think a 3rd one might not be so bad.

Allison

I tend to agree with another commenter: give away or sell all of Noah's baby gear, bedding, clothes, etc. and you'll get pregnant immediately!

Best of luck to you and Happy Mother's Day!

Marilyn aka callistawolf

Amy, I've gone through literally the same thought process. Okay, well maybe not ENTIRELY the same, since I didn't have trouble conceiving my first. But my annovulation IS due to thyroid problems and I find myself in a position of being unable to get pregnant AT ALL unless I take Clomid. And my first was quite possibly the best baby/toddler/child ever in creation. I'm totally not biased when I say that either. Sweet, loving, well behaved, you name it. I couldn't have been luckier. But yet I wanted another. I wanted another SO BAD. And a lot of the time, I felt guilty for wanting another because my son was so awesome and because so many people out there struggle so hard and would just love to have ONE. Here I was being all selfish-like and wanting two. I finally got my second, but after my first had been six years old for half a year. It took WAY long. I'm happy with it now, but I played the timing game and stressed myself the heck out with it.

Anyhow, guess I'm just trying to say that I will be watching and reading and hoping for you. I think it's because we have such darling boys, it's a testament to their very wonderfulness that we want another so badly. I hope you get your second with as little crazy as possible. :)

Sarah (In the Trenches of Mommyhood)

Did Clomid with #1 and #2 after being told I couldn't conceive on my own (annovulatory like you). And then...dunh dunh dunh...#3 was conceived when #2 was only 3 frickin' months old (cut me some slack--it was a wedding). So my youngest 2 are only 12-1/2 months apart. The body is a strange machine.
Best wishes and Happy Mother's Day.

jonniker

Happy Mother's Day, Amy. I'm happy for you and for little Noah, and I'm not sure at all that your smugness is because you know you'll have another one. You seem at peace with whatever happens, and that's pretty great.

Jess

From one ex-Philly suburbanite to another: Thank you. Your post was beautiful.

I am one of those "unexplained infertility" club members who has been trying for #1 for 18 months. Whose dr has finally told me to give it up and go the IVF route. I am scared to death, and wondering whether or not to just give up on my dream of being a mom. Your love for Noah and the beautiful pics you post renew my hope each and every time the nasty hag shows...again.

Heather

Good luck, Amy, with all the decisions and the executions thereof. Congratulations on your beautiful, beautiful boy, and all of my best wishes for whatever is to come.

Miss S

thanks for sharing your most intimate and difficult thoughts. i will not ever say "it'll happen when it happens" or "whatever will be will be" or "congrats on ttc #2" ... just simply, you write well, you sum up many emotions of many people, whatever DOES transpire, you know you'll have cyber hugs. ugh, did i just say that word? am totally THE Internet GEEK for tonight.
must go nurse my 8-wks preggo heartburn. *cough cough almost-barfo*
also must say, you made pregnancy and being a mother sound so effing awesome - even the past the neck poops ... that i had to jump on the same train. am due in Dec.

The comments to this entry are closed.