Number Two
May 11, 2007
This morning Noah and I played our game of Gimme Kisses. I tell him to gimme kisses, please. He shakes his head no, and then I swoop in for a kiss anyway, while making a big, exaggerated mmmmmmmmmmmmmMWA sound. Then he giggles.
This morning I stopped playing after a few kisses. He started humming. "Mmmmmm." He reached up and put his hands on my cheeks and leaned in.
"MWA!" he shrieked, covering my face with kisses. Then we both giggled.
Yeah. I gotta get me another one of these.
***
Two things I said I'd never do again:
1) Have another child.
2) Take Clomid.
They went together pretty nicely, I thought.
But like a lot things I swore I'd never do (suburbs! yard! skinny jeans! hotdogs for lunch!), I changed my mind about Number One. I want another baby. WE want another baby.
The five of you who read the ClubMom blog know that Jason and I have been trying for awhile now. I don't know how long, exactly. Maybe since Noah's first birthday? Maybe even before that? I seem to remember using the BlogHer swag bag condom at some point, but honestly, we've never really used birth control since Noah was born.
"It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world," Jason said once about a second pregnancy, while I pondered the calendar in a minor morning-after freakout and looked at him, like THAT'S BITCH-CRAZY TALK, HELL YES IT WOULD BE, OUR CHILD STILL HAS POOPS THAT SHOOT PAST HIS NECK.
But then I gradually came around to his way of thinking. No, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. In a lot of ways it would be pretty great.
***
Which brings us to rethinking Thing Number Two. Stupid Number Two.
The 10 of you who have been reading all along might remember that I took Clomid for a few months with no success, waaay back in 2004. Those were pretty much the most miserable months of my life and I went completely batshit crazy afterwards, with depression and panic and I was just all around a Big Hot Mess. (I can't even bring myself to link to the entries from that time, even though they don't even begin to really express just how bad things got.)
I'm not sure if I've ever really spelled out my fertility issues here, so for those just joining us: I am annovulatory. I do not ovulate on my own, ever. I get periods -- usually every 45 to 50 days, but sometimes much more infrequent. In 2001 (2002? god, am senile. where the fuck are my keys?) I got two periods for the entire year.
We don't really know why -- I don't have PCOS or thyroid problems. I had an eating disorder all through high school, but I'd already had irregular periods for a few years before my anorexia developed. So I float around in the pool of Unexplained Infertility, watching my cycles get longer and more whacked out by the month. It's not insurmountable and it's not the end of the world -- but it's enough to color and complicate your reproductive plans.
After upping the dose of Clomid a couple times, I managed to ovulate, but didn't conceive. Then I got sick and we decided to take some time off from the baby-making and try again in the new year.
Then, of course, I fucking got pregnant. Like a normal human being, without Clomid or an IUI or even a damn thermometer. (The people who told me it was because I "just relaxed" are all buried under the floorboards of our old condo, thankyouverymuch.)
That pretty much brings us to now. I hoped that having Noah would "fix" everything. Like he was this 9-pound, 15-ounce Post-It Note that said HEY LOOK! WAY TO GO ON THE FULFILLING OF YOUR PRIMARY PURPOSE, OVARIES!
But no, everything is the same as it has always been. Which means we have two options:
1) Wait and see if we get lucky again.
2) Try Clomid again.
Stupid Number Two.
***
I don't know what option we're going to go with, honestly. On the one hand, I'm sick of thinking about this and marking tiny yet ultimately useless X's on the calendar. I'm sick of wondering if we'll get lucky next month or next year or ever.
On the other hand, I don't necessarily feel ready right this second to have another baby. Sometimes I still feel like I just HAD a baby. That I still HAVE a baby. That it's too soon and too much and maybe we should just let it happen when it's meant to happen, like Jason always said pre-Noah, and it pisses me off that he was right because I don't necessarily believe that things always happen when they're "meant" to happen, I mean, look at every reality TV show in the history of reality TV shows where my favorite contestant got voted off too soon.
On the other hand, Jason and I are both much, MUCH younger than our siblings. In a lot of ways we were only children. Which wasn't bad at all, oh no, but...I don't know. I think I'd enjoy watching Noah grow up with a sibling close to his age and wonder if we shouldn't get a little aggressive before too much time passes. I worry he'll be spoiled or lonely on his own, blah blah typical family planning mindfuck.
On the other hand, Clomid made me crazy.
I wonder if it would be as bad this time, since maybe I would be (shut up) more relaxed, since I have Noah and the knowledge that I CAN get pregnant and CAN carry to term, and honestly, I don't necessarily feel like not having a second child would be any big devastating thing. I mean, we want one, but if you told me tomorrow that our family was complete as-is I'd still feel pretty damn lucky and content.
On the other hand, I might only think that because deep down, I'm secretly pretty smug and confident that we'll be able to have a second baby eventually.
On the other hand, I am fresh out of other hands. I'm talking in circles and boring even myself. And I find myself pretty fascinating. Look! My belly button is squishy.
***
I look at his face and know that he is enough. He is more than enough. And yet because he is enough, more than enough, to fill my heart and life with such mind-boggling amounts of joy, I cannot help but wonder what it must be like to have that joy times two.
I cannot help but to take his face in my hands and cover it with kisses, while silently praying gimme baby. Please.
MWAH!!!!!!
No assvice here, I promise, but I'd like to share a thought...
I'm 42 (yeah, we crones love your blog, too!) and I have one natural son of my own (he's 21) and four stepchildren, 3 girls and a boy, ages 16-19, that I've raised as my own since 1997. Obviously my childbearing days are over, even if I still ovulate... and now I'm patiently (!) waiting for grandchildren, oh holy shit...
...but here is a little secret: I wish, more often than I care to admit, that I'd had another of my own. Just ONE more of my very very very own. So that I never have to worry WHAT IF when my son drives too fast or stays out late or moves to the Mainland, as he'll be doing in just a week and a half. WHAT IF I lose him? o god, what would I DO? Undoubtedly most parents think this about ALL their children, and I can't fathom losing any of my stepkids, but maybe parents of only children are particularly weird about this sort of thing.
Or at least *I* am. Happy Mother's Day, Amy, to you and me and all of us!
Good luck, mama. I'll say a prayer to whoever is out there. Goddess? Allah? Who knows...I digress (again).
Good luck, mama.
I, too, am annovulatory [though a bit jealous of the 45 to 60 day cycles...mine seem to go more 90 to 120 days]. I've also fought the Clomid battle [with injections!] and now have a simply beautiful baby boy [15 months].
Kyle and I have had some of the same conversations I'm sure you've had with Jason. Unfortunately, the answer is not an easy one.
I wish you all the best in your attempts, and wait [im]patiently for the + test. Happy Mother's Day!
this is no big deal, as soon as you feel like you are at your absolute possible wits end with Noah and your going so nuts you want to put him in a closet and you in a ball in another closet...then you will totally get knocked up, at least thats what happened with me!
Sending good wishes and happy thoughts your way. Whether you end up with one child or two, know it is great either way. Sometimes having two is better because they have a companion and sometimes having one is better because then you always know exactly who shaved the dog and colored him with markers.
Hi Amy,
Have you been checked for prolactinoma? If it is the case, there is a sure drug for that.
Also, I have a question. I'm 31 and been married for more than 6 years. I'd love to have a kid and I understand how somebody might want to have another kid so there is a sibling for the baby, but here is my problem: I absolutely can not understand wanting to have another baby, cause you had one and you loved it. I am not being sarcastic or anything, just need help ...
in fact I've been reading your blig just to make myself want a baby! what is wrong with me? Other than this I'm almost completely normal.
It sounds to me like it's time to get yourself a new RE and start over. But skip the Clomid. It makes everyone nuts, and it isn't anywhere near as good as doing an injectable cycle. Which will work better because it really does give those ovaries a kick in the ass.
I think it's time for a real battery of tests. People aren't just annovulatory. There is a reason... and if you find it, you can fix it.
8 years... 8 freaking years, 4 miscarriages, and two beautiful babies.
i have a son that started out 9lb 13oz. he is enough. but my heart is big, and i know another baby would be enough too.
8 fresh IVF's, 3 FET's...and i am ready to try again. because it just might work.
I feel your pain. and I am sorry.
I hope you have a wonderful mother's day :)
Babies are confounding things. In my first marriage, I wanted one so badly I could taste it, and yet he decided after a few years he didn't ever want any. I remember crying at night when he went to sleep because I felt so alone. Then I got re-married to one who loves children and wants FOUR babies, but then it turned out he couldn't come here and I couldn't move there.. and finally now that he CAN come and I feel OLD and CHILDLESS, the barren thing is eating at me and I am so afraid I won't be able to have babies for a variety of reasons. And then what? What if I can't and he leaves? So i still feel alone. I really want to try as soon as possible but he keeps mentioning responsible things like "jobs" and "income" and "insurance" and I feel like time is running out. FOUR! And you and I are the same age. I bought a maternity cardigan from Old Navy the other day, 2 diaper bags, and a metrowrap. They make me feel a bit better, like something could happen. I want a reason to even have them in the first place. I feel crazy, like surely I am nuts for doing this. I bought the ovulation clearblue test because I was curious, but haven't had the strength to try it yet. I have always been terrified that I can't have children. The Fleurville Ogo Mothership and Fleurville escape pod help a bit with that, but I still see them and think about how I wish I had a reason for it, or a reason to hope for it.
This winter we are (still) hoping to have a reception for my family in Avalon, CA. Of course today it's on fire, which is perfect both for those poor people and animals, and also for my own selfish reasons. I had even gotten to the point where I was thinking it would be just fine to have a bump under my wedding dress.
Who knows about either one at this point.
I really hope you get a second one. Think you'll want more than 2? I charted myself out and I am a non-deviating 29-days, and I'm hoping that says something for me. Good thing about this time around for you is you'll know better what to expect and a lot of the truths will be there and accepted already :)
Hey Amy!
I want to add my good wishes to all the others'!
I'm sure someone's already said this, but you have one plus on your side--you're young and healthy! But most of all, young. I'm in my mid-30s heading for my late 30s! I worry about whether I'll still have as easy a time conceiving and carrying #2 when we're finally ready for it, since realistically I have 5-6 years left. You have more than twice that.
I hear you about having sibs close in age, and it would be great. But maybe the universe knows something you guys don't--maybe you'll get #2 when it's really right for all 4 of you.
Stay healthy!
Clomid did the same thing to me. It also didn't work for a live baby. I was terrified of injectibles because of what Clomid did, but it was SO MUCH BETTER. I got tired, really tired, but that was my only side effect.
Well, I've been a shy, silent reader for a while now but felt I had to respond to this one. I just gave my 2 and 4 year old a bath. Quite the experience. Water all over the floor, bubbles in the bath (fart not the store bought kind). I wouldn't trade it for the world. All their fighting, giggling, raspberries, even farts as the punch line to a joke make my life blessed. Keep up with the x's. Try the Clomid. Make sure a doctor monitors you for batshit crazy. They can help. Useless advice from a cyber unknown, but heartfelt nonetheless. I'll be cheering for your ovaries.
You can do it, Amy. And it'll be great! Best of luck to you and Jason--Happy Mothers Day from another of your many old crone fans!(Although I prefer 'Geezer' fans)
clomid did nothing..but metformin did!
Hi Amy,
Long time lurker here and just wanted to send you lots and lots of pregnancy vibes. I just had my first baby girl 3/11 and I can't imagine having another one RIGHT NOW but I know that I do want another one. All she has to do is smile at me and all my troubles, especially not having enough sleep, melts away! Good luck and Happy Mother's Day!!!
Here is my most profound piece of advice:
Try. You will never regret trying. You *might*, someday, regret not trying.
And best of luck to you.
Kristie
I am pretty sure I am also annovulatory 45 to 60 day cycles... And I am so scared about what to do! Life is hard enough to deal with. I am looking for a good doctor at this point. I live in Maryland area near the Ulta store. If you can recommend anything to me please email me. And good luck to you and your family and I will be praying for you!!!
Wow. Much love and luck to you and Jason and Noah. Either way.
Nothing profound to say, I just want to wish you and Jason the best.
I so know how you feel...it took us six years after our first one--he only took 6 mos. after going off the pill--I had totally given up, and was looking into international adoption (my husband is Filipino). Because of the cost, we couldn't do it, and I just decided that T was enough, and that I was not meant to have another one, but just to give him everything that I had. Finally, I missed a period, and then another, and thought maybe it was early menopause...I didn't believe it until I took two POAS tests, and a blood test at the Dr.'s office, and believe me, #2 is a challenge, but he was worth the wait! Best of luck to you guys, whatever you decide to do!
I just read this entry and cried. I too am annovulatory (don't you just HATE that word?) and 9 rounds of Clomid made me insane. That was 2 years ago, 4 miscarriages, and 3 doctors later and still nothing. Infertility is a sucky club that no one wants to belong to but many have a free lifetime membership. In fact, I came across your blog while doing a search for Clomid via Google and have been with you ever since you fell down the steps and shouted out that you were pregnant, saying it out loud for the first time. Whether you try the Clomid again or let your body try it on it's own, I send positive vibes your way. Just know that you are an inspiration to me, another member of the club.
Happy Mother's Day!
on the brightside, maybe clomid will give you a neverending stream of interesting things to blog about?
i know that's not funny...
but when you first mentioned this, i thought: well, maybe it won't be as bad because she'll know what to expect...
i've never been on clomid...been spending my time trying *not* to get pregnant, actually. but i have been on a drug that mindfucked me pretty hard. no lube, either. once i knew what was going on, it got a little better. obviously, i still flew off the handle about stupid things, and had moments of major ugliness and that whole feeling that there was no point to being alive...but there was a little piece of my brain hiding and whispering quietly, continuously, this isn't really you. you are going to be ok. breathe.
i hope this doesn't come off as assvice...i just want you to be ok!
p.s.
happy mother's day!
Amy,
I hear you. I am in the same boat. Waiting and wondering every month is brutal. I was pregnant once, but lost the baby. It was quite the ordeal. I will save you the details, but I was pretty much devastated. The docs told me that I will be able to carry to full-term, yet nothing has happened since then --it has been 2 years. Each month I hold my breath and wait. I recently quit my day job "to relax" -- yet, as with you, no luck thus far. Just remember to smile. It is all you can do. Keep trying and think positive. Until it happens (which it will), you'll just have to enjoy practicing for when you and Jason do get around to making that perfect second baby. Good Luck!
I was also cursed with "unexplained"infertility after trying to conceive for two and a half years. Clomid made me crazy and sad. Being a lesbo in San Francisco complicated matters until I passed the buck to my partner. Three months later we were stunned to see that beautiful heartbeat on the sonogram and now our 9 month old daughter is driving us nuts. No advice or counsel to offer really. Try and try-and enjoy trying:) Or get a girlfriend who ovulates on demand like mine does.
Not sure if you're ready? Uh... you're NEVER ready. For the first, the second or the third. Or the 17th, I'm sure (although I haven't actually tested this out)
People will criticise you, no matter whether you have 1 child or 20, or whatever the age difference between them. So good luck - I hope you achieve your 'perfect family' dreams.
aww amy, i wish i could answer your "gimme" with the happy news you want to hear. but since i cant, i will give you what i can, which is a written hug, and the encouragement that your writing is so honest and truthful, that i know you are providing some sort of safe place for women all over the planet who are feeling the same way as you. and for that, for having the ability to make someone feel a little bit less alone, makes you a wonderful human being. i will be keeping my fingers crossed for you guys...
Amy,
When I was going through my whole unexplained fertility thing, my RE put me on Clomid and I got pg first try, but it was ectopic. Then she tried me on Femara. Works like Clomid w/o the yucky side effects. It didn't work for me, but it has for many... Then came the IUI and the IVF which didn't work either. Sooo, while preparing for IVF #2, I got that Infertility Cure book, took a bunch of crazy herbs, saw Sen Huang in DC for accupuncture..(like going to the spa!), and lo behold, pregnant one month into it. At the ripe age of 38. My son just turned 1 and I am now 40 and thinking of doing it again...help me Jesus...:)
Happy Mama Day, Amy! I so wish the best for ya!!!!!!!!
oh Amy, I just wanted to add I don't live far from you and I have a fabulous dr. that speacilizes in infertility. I (luckily) didn't need them for that, but after a very difficult pregnancy I was thrilled to have such phenomonal medical care. So, if you are thinking of changing drs email me.
I'm right there with you. We had our first baby 6 months ago via IVF (male factor issues) and, even though it happened on our first IVF attempt, we both feel like we absolutely cannot go through the emotional roller coaster again. On the other hand, I feel like it's maybe like the hell of labor and delivery. I'm sort of starting to "forget" how heinous it all was and maybe, MAYBE, in a year or two we will want to give it another try? In any event, not really using any type of birth control.....
First and foremost, I wish you luck. I am currently suffering from secondary infertility. I had my first child after trying for 6 months. I had PCOS at the time but did not even know.
There are two things I have learned about infertility. 1. it sucks to cope with 2. everyone has advice, they’re not always right.
Regarding Femara
http://infertility.about.com/b/a/223262.htm
http://www.weitzlux.com/Femara/faqs_156835.html
Metformin is the same thing as Glucophage. This is a drug used for PCOS sufferers who have insulin issues. Metformin/Glucophage. “Metformin sensitizes the cells to insulin thus lowering the body's production of insulin and consequently reducing androgen production. Once androgen production has been normalized, ovulation often resumes.”
http://www.northshorefertility.com/fertility_drug_metformin-solo.html
Metformin is not a fertility drug. It helps only those with PCOS. Femara is dangerous. Most people want a baby, but without risk for birth defects I’m sure.
From everything I’ve read and or been told about Clomid it is certainly difficult to bear. I’m about to begin and I feel sorry for my husband, my dog, my son and everyone else that might have to be around me including myself.
Much luck and wishes for all things wonderful for you and your family.
I wish you lots of sweet sloppy kisses...oh and a baby too!
Amy,
Nix my Femara advice....things have apparently changed since I took it back in 2005. Sorry for that ASS-vice!!!
Best,
Tam
I'm 39 and have one boy and we're open to having another one. Or two, or whatever. But we've been trying for ... well, forever, as we're never not trying, and I had one miscarriage already and then I was reading STUPID People magazine and some letter to the editor about Marcia Cross and someone wrote and said thanks for being honest about it being nearly *impossible* to get pregnant when you're near 40. I didn't think I was that upset about it until I read that and I thought really? I can't have any more? I'm trying to go with the flow on it, but man. It's hard to not get what you want.
Am rather proud of my reading comprehension skills from the last post.
Best of luck to you and Jason. I don't yet have children and don't know if I will. Somehow, this post touched on the feelings that I have about not having children. Still not sure and likely running out of time to decide.
Happy Mother's Day.
I am just wondering if Femara/Letrazole was ever considered for you? The question is not meant as smarmy advice; I experience periodic annov cycles also, but not PCOS. I was put on a round of Letrazole, and it worked, and no crazy side effects. So I was surprised when I learned that it doesn't seem to be widely used. I just wonder why, and if your doc's considered this and if so, why did s/he dismiss it before resorting to clomid?
Happy Mother's Day and may you and your husband enjoy your life and family!
Um, femara is not dangerous (refering to Kristy's post above). There was a single study, not peer reviewed, and widely criticized for it's lack of control factors, that suggested that taking femara increases risk of birth defects.
It can't. It doesn't even stay in the body for more than 48 hrs, which is way before you ovulate.
It is suggested that the folks taking femara tend to be older and have other fertility problems, which explains the increased birth defects trend the study claimed, but even then, the statistical significance was weak and the control population was abnormal.
Wow, doncha love how much easier our lives are as women, now that we have all these choices?
Heh. Heh.
*sigh*
Wishing you luck, wishing you peace along the way. Wishing you another face to cover with kisses.
Good luck, Amalah, I do believe that everything works out for the best in the end. I hope that your wishes are fulfilled.
I did not read all the comments, so I don't know if someone has already posted about this, but I have had a friend and known other women with what sounds like similar fertility issues. They had success with accupuncture, which did not make them crazy, depressed or sick. Something to think about maybe... Good luck with sorting out all the questions and feelings associated with this.
I have two boys, and had my tubes tied after #2. We decided that two was perfect for us; I remember going thru the 2nd pregnancy and thinking I was glad that it was the last time I'd be doing it. Same thing immediately post-delivery. And I was SO glad when #2 was potty trained.
But sometimes, just sometimes, I think a 3rd one might not be so bad.
I tend to agree with another commenter: give away or sell all of Noah's baby gear, bedding, clothes, etc. and you'll get pregnant immediately!
Best of luck to you and Happy Mother's Day!
Amy, I've gone through literally the same thought process. Okay, well maybe not ENTIRELY the same, since I didn't have trouble conceiving my first. But my annovulation IS due to thyroid problems and I find myself in a position of being unable to get pregnant AT ALL unless I take Clomid. And my first was quite possibly the best baby/toddler/child ever in creation. I'm totally not biased when I say that either. Sweet, loving, well behaved, you name it. I couldn't have been luckier. But yet I wanted another. I wanted another SO BAD. And a lot of the time, I felt guilty for wanting another because my son was so awesome and because so many people out there struggle so hard and would just love to have ONE. Here I was being all selfish-like and wanting two. I finally got my second, but after my first had been six years old for half a year. It took WAY long. I'm happy with it now, but I played the timing game and stressed myself the heck out with it.
Anyhow, guess I'm just trying to say that I will be watching and reading and hoping for you. I think it's because we have such darling boys, it's a testament to their very wonderfulness that we want another so badly. I hope you get your second with as little crazy as possible. :)
Did Clomid with #1 and #2 after being told I couldn't conceive on my own (annovulatory like you). And then...dunh dunh dunh...#3 was conceived when #2 was only 3 frickin' months old (cut me some slack--it was a wedding). So my youngest 2 are only 12-1/2 months apart. The body is a strange machine.
Best wishes and Happy Mother's Day.
Happy Mother's Day, Amy. I'm happy for you and for little Noah, and I'm not sure at all that your smugness is because you know you'll have another one. You seem at peace with whatever happens, and that's pretty great.
From one ex-Philly suburbanite to another: Thank you. Your post was beautiful.
I am one of those "unexplained infertility" club members who has been trying for #1 for 18 months. Whose dr has finally told me to give it up and go the IVF route. I am scared to death, and wondering whether or not to just give up on my dream of being a mom. Your love for Noah and the beautiful pics you post renew my hope each and every time the nasty hag shows...again.
Good luck, Amy, with all the decisions and the executions thereof. Congratulations on your beautiful, beautiful boy, and all of my best wishes for whatever is to come.
thanks for sharing your most intimate and difficult thoughts. i will not ever say "it'll happen when it happens" or "whatever will be will be" or "congrats on ttc #2" ... just simply, you write well, you sum up many emotions of many people, whatever DOES transpire, you know you'll have cyber hugs. ugh, did i just say that word? am totally THE Internet GEEK for tonight.
must go nurse my 8-wks preggo heartburn. *cough cough almost-barfo*
also must say, you made pregnancy and being a mother sound so effing awesome - even the past the neck poops ... that i had to jump on the same train. am due in Dec.