all your aball are belong to us

When Cooler, Non-Toasted Heads Prevail

So I was thinking -- randomly, apropos of NOTHING RESEMBLING REAL LIFE, I SWEAR -- that all those electrical and fire-safety videos and campaigns they make you sit through in elementary school aren't actually because they're worried about children and bathtubs and hairdryers and random floor puddles, but it's because they know that one day, far in the future, some sleep-deprived parent will watch her child's waffle get jammed in the toaster and absentmindedly reach for the nearest fork, and suddenly the image of a dancing cartoon lightening bolt will pop into her head, and she will put the metal object down and make some coffee instead.


On Saturday we went to a vineyard in Virginia -- yes, the one with the hill -- with some friends. It was waaay more subdued than last time, since we had Noah and two little pursedogs with us, and one of those friends -- this one right here, actually -- is knocked up.

And oh man, the assvice flowed like WINE, y'all, as I would not stop talking ever about babies and toddlers and this is what you do when this happens, and nobody tells you about the period that never ends and oh my god! Don't let your hair get in the baby's diaper when all your hair falls out, and oh yeah. All your hair falls out.

Then we had one of those awesome moments where all four adults -- capable, sober, college-educated adults -- were temporarily distracted by something during the exact second when Noah fell off his chair and hit the pavement face first. There was a collective gasp from EVERYBODY IN THE ZIP CODE as I picked Noah up and dashed...I don't know, far enough away so people couldn't throw food at me, where I tried to comfort him.

There was a little blood in his mouth -- obviously not enough to be coming from a lost tooth or anything, and he had no cuts or bruises. His wailing was strictly Pissed Off, You Negligent Monster (as opposed to I Am In Serious Need Of Medical Attention, Please Make Sure All My Aballs Go To A Good Home).

Jason, meanwhile, was losing his shit, just like he always loses his shit whenever Noah falls. The sight of blood in Noah's mouth clearly meant something terrible had happened, like fourteen lost teeth and brain matter leaking from his gums and he was scolding me for picking Noah off the ground in the first place without first determining whether his neck was broken and then he tried to yank Noah from my arms so he could create a full-body cast out of the picnic blanket, and that's when I wondered what the hell kind of first aid video they showed HIM in elementary school, because seriously, I remembered the rapping band-aid and he was telling me that Noah was just fine, yo.

Noah, his teeth and his beloved turkey baster are all okay, obviously.


We bought Jason his own bottle of wine and then he was okay too.


(Gratuitous photo overkill, yes, but what are you gonna do about it?)



Awwww...poor munchkin!!! Ever soooo cute though!!!!


Bossy occasionally falls, but it's mostly from grace.


Glad Noah is okay, and that he has that turkey baster to comfort him.

Also, wow, do you have hanging plants and a new fence and a Weber grill with a COVER? The suburbs worked you ever in no time!


Glad Noah is okay, and that he has that turkey baster to comfort him.

Also, wow, do you have hanging plants and a new fence and a Weber grill with a COVER? The suburbs worked you over in no time!


I'm going to say thank you. ;-)

Wine makes everything better, no?

"turkey baster" You are one funny lady.


Wait, am I reading correctly (no coffee yet)... Are you pregnant? If so, many congratulations!

As an aside, I emailed you about a million years ago to beg for a stylist recommendation. You kindly shared the name of your stylist with me. THANK YOU. I finally consistently look like a somewhat together adult rather than bedraggled teenager.


No! Not pregnant! Friend is pregnant! Friend standing BEHIND me in drunken photo.


Sacrifices must be made in the pursuit of a good wine. And what's a split lip among friends anyhow? When our O was a toddler he really liked to carry around his Daddy's giant plastic beer stein, usually he toddled while holding the plastic beer stein by the rim with his teeth, that is until the day he fell with the beer stein in his mouth resulting in a nasty, jagged cut that required four stitches by a cosmetic surgeon so as not to appear as if he was born with a harelip. Good Times.

Maxine Dangerous

Better late than never: Please to be going to nearest office supply store and photocopying the Noah and please to be sending copy to me. "A ball!" SO cute. I.can't.stand.it! :)


OK, you need to change the photo of your "friend", because I thought it was you, too....and I know I won't be the only one skipping the whole rest of the post to congratulate you.


i'm jason. when my kids get hurt i cannot function. at all. i am a disasterous wreck of supreme proportions. i mean, madison fell last summer and i let my friend run to her first because i couldn't stand to look. how pathetic am i?


He is too cute. And his turkey baster is darling. I have no kids, but my cat likes a potholder. He used to carry it around. That's totally like the same thing. :)


Ha! Every time I set my plugged in blowdryer in the bathroom sink I flashback to the same safety videos.

Sending balls to good home - poetic!

Wacky Mommy

Ouch. Glad all the teeth are OK. May I just say to all of you, please be careful in the swimming pools this summer? Because that two seconds where you're saying hi to one of the other parents, that is exactly when the kid slides under the water.

Not that it's happened to me.



Was that at Oasis? I love that place! We went there for a bachelorette party a few years back and all of the patrons were scoffing at the bus full of drunk girls and a blow up Mr. Stud. Now that was Klassy.

I'm glad Noah and his turkey baster are okay. He looks like such the little man now. *sigh*


It's okay, Amy. Having kids brings out the assvice in the best of us.

Jason's reactions to Noah's falls crack me up. But if I were you they would totally piss me off. Just wait until he starts riding a bike because , oh my stars the blood you will see. You will need some of those rapping band-aids.


I'm glad he's all okay. Also, if that's your backyard, it's gorgeous. It's gorgeous even if it isn't, but if it is, it's gorgeous AND I'm jealous :)


Totally thought it was you that's pregnant, based on the photo.


Poor lil guy! I'm glad he and the turkey baster survived the horror!!!! (He was just wanting everyone's attention so he THREW himself face down onto the ground to get it. It was NOT your fault... Heh. That's my story and I'm stickin to it)

Suzy Q

Ok, glad you cleared that up, Amy. Because I was all kinds of confused, what with you pregnant and also having the world's longest period at the same time, which I KNOW couldn't possibly be happening at the same time, but IT'S ON THE INTERNET, so it must be true, right?


Oh christ, I've electrocuted myself in the toaster too many times to count. Thrilled I'm not the only one, honestly, just THRILLED.

That last photo of Noah is too precious. Also, I get that everyone says he looks like Jason, kind of. It's just that how is it possible that he can look so much like both of you? Because that face IS YOU.


I am delurking to tell you that that baby is so so so so so so adorable. With the teeth! and the sweet blonde hair!

So cute.


Someone should explain to Jason that little mouths bleed A LOT and it is usually not representative of any major injury.


Does Noah and the turkey baster have anything to do with the pregnant friend?

Just askin'

Daily Tragedies

Oh yes, I have nearly electrocuted myself with the fork/toaster combination. More than once. Good times, good times.

Glad to see Jason's all better after that frightening experience. =)

laughing mommy

There is someone else in that picture? I was thinking this was the big announcement. Hmm.

Hope Noah is feeling better.


Glad Noah is OK. Jason had better get used to blood and scrapes, though, because raising a boy results in many, many, many boo-boos.

I figured that the pregnant person was the one hiding behind you in the picture. Then I saw that people thought that you were subtly announcing that you were having another baby, and I felt dumb that I had missed the reference.


you are such a good friend. i wish someone had told me BEFORE i went and had a baby that i'd be bald six month postpartum. oh...and that i'd have to wear a freakin' ice diaper and i'd be terrified to pee. yeah...would have been nice. i wouldn't have had any kids...but it still would have been nice ;)


My hair is currently falling out. And I keep finding it in the baby's diaper. How am I supposed to keep it out of there?


At her second birthday party last week my daughter managed to tip her chair over and fall flat on the backyard concrete -- at the PRECISE moment that both her parents and ALL FOUR of her grandparents were standing mere feet away. The kids, man, they have a knack for finding their pure moments.


Isn't amazing how much dads freak out when the kids fall? My son once fell and cut his mouth and there was a lot of blood, but he was fine. My husband has never recovered.


Every time I see Noah, I love him a little bit more.


What a beautiful boy you have there, Amalah.


Jesus, I get that he cares and all, but does he really do that thing where you feel all inadaquate as a mother and shit? That would get OLD, quick. Kids fall, kids get hurt. Fact of life. Over-reacting and taking it out on the wife is not. cool.


Dude. That's why I don't use a curling iron anymore-- electrocution. But that was from a faulty adapter in Spain.

Glad Noah doesn't have permanent pavement face. That would have put a damn damper on the weekend.


Glad that everyone (including the man) is okay. The things we do for good wine!


Think of it as a learning experience! Whatever Noah was doing right before he fell was clearly NOT the right thing to do and he'll NEVER DO IT AGAIN until next time. He most likely just bit his tongue or something, nothing a little wine wouldn't take care of as I see you've already done. I smell 'Parent of the Year'! ;)


God, so glad to know I'm not the only one with a spouse who goes into Male Hysterics when the toddler does something, you know, toddler-y, like crashing face-first into the ground. Riley stubbed his toe the other day and JB was flipping out because the TOE! It was probably BROKEN! And would need AMPUTATION! Or something.


No such thing as photo overkill! Says the Mom with a GazilliaByte harddrive jam-packed with baby pics.

clearly childless

The period that never ends? What devilry is this?

Heather B.

Photo overkill? What is that? I'm half tempted to ask you if I can have another to add to my collection.

Am sad and pathetic, I know.


It must have been the Weekend of the Falling Down, 'cause Gabe lost his footing yesterday and did a face plant into the hardwood floors. His mouth bled pretty bad, but fortunately there were no missing or cracked teeth. That didn't stop me from feeling like a horrendously shitty mother for not putting a foot deep layer of soft, cushy carpet over every surface in the house, though.

Kathy/ Lessons from the Laundry

My two boys never had a normal forehead until age three. Until that time their foreheads, cheeks, chins, ears (never a arm, always a face) were covered with bruises ranging from eggplant to mustard. All shades of falls. Trust me, there will be many more. Good luck with the future first aid.



but has anyone else noticed that Noah's shirt has ABALLS on it??


What is it about "The Hill" that makes everyone take an ass-dive? Or face-dive, in the Munchkin's case. Poor Noah...I'm glad he's got his turkey baster to baste away the pain.


hahahaha Number one: I'm sorry Noah was hurt. Number two: My husband does the same thing. Whenever there is a "situation" he tries to take control, but actually ends up walking in a little shoulder with his hands in the air. It's almost like he's thinking of doing so many things that he keeps getting distracted and thus walks in a circle. Hilarious. It's even funnier when he thinks there is a "situation" and there isn't.


Dude. These little moments you're giving us, are like those moments that iconic photographer from the 50s and 60s gave us. But only in internet form. Those little slices of life we can all recognize and feel drawn to. Such a sweet little moment in time you've captured, in those two shots.

What the hell is that photographer's name?


Dude, just as long as the turkey baster is okay. Phew.


Fact is, baby photos are never gratuitous. I love baby photos!


I came back to look at Noah's beautiful face and realized he is actually holding a turkey baster. I'm an idiot and thought you were refering to Jason.


I love how toddlers find the most random objects to clutch as though their little lives depend on it.

Unlike Noah, my kidlet has 2 nurses for parents. When she falls down or hurts herself we both glance at her, decide we've both definitely seen worse, and send her back to play. Unless she has an open head wound or a displaced fracture, there will be no freaking out at our house. I hope she survives to see kindergarten.

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