Not that I'm keeping score or anything, at all
Prognosis Negative

Paranoid Android

JASON: So. Anything interesting happen today?

AMY: I spent the whole day dealing with shit.

JASON: Ooh, was there some kind of Internet drama?

AMY: No. Like actual, physical shit. I spent the whole day dealing with feces.

JASON. Ooh, Noah?

AMY: Well, yes. Noah kept saying he had to go apoopoo but wouldn't go on the potty and he wanted to watch the Potty Time With Elmo video 14 dozen times and then Max pooped in the office twice and Ceiba crapped on the stairs.


AMY: Yeah. It was an enriching day. I do good work.


I've been in a bit of a cranky funk this week and feeling immensely sorry for myself for no reason at all.

Well, okay, unless you count this as a valid reason for funkitude:


Of course, after cursing the coffee maker out for RISING AGAINST ME, FOR MAKING EVERYTHING WORSE, I realized I'd forgotten to put the inner plastic basket thing in before the filter and thus this was all my own fault but COME ON, I was still totally ready to cry about it.

Or, you know, grab a straw and suck that shit up off the countertop.

Same thing with all the pet poop. Max, in a fit of old age and/or belated moving-related rebellion, has decided he will not use his litter box if it is not P-E-R-F-E-C-T-L-Y clean. Which means I must scoop it out after he goes EVERY TIME and sift it and add fresh litter EVERY TIME, or else he relieves himself six inches to the right of the box. As I am extremely lazy and forgetful and also trying to prove a point that he's being ridiculous, just CRAP IN THE BOX ALREADY, he's been having a lot of accidents.

So I clean it all up and always manage to spill litter on the floor, and then I grab the mini-handvac thing and of course, it's never fully charged because I am extremely lazy and never remember to charge it, but at the time I am all, WOE IS ME and *SHAKES FIST AT THE HEAVENS* and that's when I punch myself in the face because dude, it's some kitty litter on the carpet, get a damn grip and call the vet already.

(Seriously. Can you believe this is the most interesting story I've managed to come up with all week?)

(Does your brain itch as it atrophies? Or is it more of a stinging-type sensation?)

Several months ago I blamed a similar funk on the weather. Which is completely gorgeous right now. Except maybe it's a little too hot, plus there are mosquitoes, and I get a sinus headache from all the fucking grass and nature and shit.

Basically, hi. I'm a whiny little bitch who is never happy. Also probably on the rag.

But look! Here's some baby beefcake.




(Hey. Anybody want to join my little ray-of-sunshine ass for a Top Chef open thread tonight at the Mamapop forums? It'll be just like you're sitting in my living room, except you don't have to put up with me asking for foot rubs. Also sometimes I get a little gassy after dinner, so yeah. Forums are totally the way to watch TV with me.)

(Also, of COURSE it was reaction number 3. What kind of mature human being do you people take me for?)


Suzy Q

I am First?


I love that Noah puts a modifier before EVERYTHING.


Am totally number one again. Second time this... week?

By my count (since I'm clearly very casually stalking you via the internet) Max isn't THAT old, is he? Not old enough to be crapping outside the box because he's too blind/senile to crap inside.

Cat's that I know generally live to at least 15, usually closer to 20. So that means you have many more looong years of cleaning cat shit off your carpet.

That sounds delightful.

Suzy Q

Oh, hey. If you get an answer from your vet about the Max pooping issue, please let me know. My cat does the same damn thing, and I am ready to keeel him!!!


Wow... two people beat me in the time it took me to write that comment. Curses.


I have the same coffeemaker!! Maybe I am cool by association! I hate the little lid on top of the pot -- how you have to push that little button to get the coffee out and it about breaks my finger I have to press it so hard!!! Plus that ganky dishwasher water that gets all up in the dang little lid when it goes through the dishwasher. Naaaaasty.

LOVE the blinding white Buddha belly on your baby.


um. that is the cutest belly i've ever seen in my life.

i think you should join my in a funk this week club. i did not almost cry at coffee, but i did curse profusely at my empty windshield wiper fluid because there was a thick layer of wonderful pollen on my car this morning. and then i almost cried because i realized i am the one who has not filled said fluid.


Awwww.. a big group Cyber-hug for alla y'all!!!! Sometimes... life... just... sucks... even when it doesn't. We love ya' Amalah! See you, hopefully, at the Top Chef Thread! :)


Pooping outside the box might not be a vet issue. Boy cats in particular can be annoying in their inability to poop in the damn box. Most often it is because of the smell of their pee that they won't poop in the box (particularly for those covered litterboxes). Get something like this stuff:
It totally helps. Also, having a second box helps, too, if you have the room (I used to have two boxes for one male cat, and it eliminated the poop-outside-the-box issue). Hope that helps!


My coffee maker does that too. And instead of crying I usually scream unintelligibly at it. Because what else can one do when they realize they're going to have to wait another five minutes for their first cup of coffee.


There must be something going around. I've been feeling sorry for myself that my kid is graduating high school tomorrow and so that means that I am getting old.

Cute pictures!


"Or, you know, grab a straw and suck that shit up off the countertop.

Same thing with all the pet poop."

Oh really? You must really be starving.

Seriously, though, I have that exact same coffee maker. My husband and his nerd friends call it "Hal" because it's so futuristicky. I've done the exact same thing with the plastic basket thingy. Was worst day of my life. I still can't think about it without weeping.


I have the same trouble with the petty shit making me feel like the universe is against me. And then, sometimes, when there is some serious hardcore drama, like...oh...I don't know...maybe being screamed at by my mother-in-law and called a liar because I finally called her ass out...I'm completely ok with it. Couldn't be better. :)
I think it works that way to balance things out. Because if I could handle the piddly things, I'd be a basket case during the hard stuff. I kinda like it the way it is.

Li'l Foot's mommy

Curse the darn pets...My cat is the same way...She poops directly to the right of the box about 6 inches...and then the stupid dog pushes the door open to the bathroom (the door having a door stopper behind it for just this reason but he manage to bust it open anyway) and he eats the cat poop. Dumb poop breath dog!!! Why are the animals revolting these days?


Would Max go for one of those self cleaning litterboxes? I always wanted one of those, but never got around to it before I kicked our cats outside for peeing on everything in sight.

Virginia Gal

Are we bad to put one of our cats on Prozac because he recently started talking to us at 5am, right in the ear, and WILL. NOT. SHUT. UP.? Shit I can handle, non-stop kitty conversation? Not so much.

I'm working on training the other cat to yak only on the wood or tile floors in our house. It's a long process.

Virginia Gal

Err. That should have read "Non stop kitty conversation first thing in the morning..."


Baby Beefcake is good. Especially drizzled with chocolate sauce.


Ahhh... you have to love that belly!

As far as the cat - my parents cat went through that for a while too - for some reason it only lasted for a while and she got over it - we never figgered it out! So maybe it won;t last long?

Ah ya - FUCK the World! Does that make your crankiness happy? Sometimes you just have to say that on bad days and weeks!


I'm sorry that you have to endure so much to make us laugh so much. But I have to laugh at the fact that Noah's watching the video but the animals are the ones pooping. Maybe he speaks to them in a secret language?
Oh- and I've done that coffee thing too many times to count. And that's when you need it the most!


You are the only person I know that can combine animal poop, broken coffee makers, and toddlers in swimming pools into one post and make it flow perfectly. And also be pretty damn funny to boot!

Also - your little baby is a serious beefcake :)


Note: When your brain atrophies, it kind of tingles, like it's asleep.

Evil Cat Note: I went to replace a draft dodger by my back door, only to find that it was totally soaked through with cat pee. Huh?


God, I feel ya on the dealing with poop thing...except I've been picking up after a 100 pound dog who eats a lot and poops several times a day.
Also, so jealous! I want a kiddy pool! And perhaps a cute baby to go in it but I would settle for just the pool for now.


I feel for you about the poop! I've got an indoor cat who feels that the cat box must be pristine, like she's some sort of freaking royalty or something. And I heard her barfing this morning at 5 am. When i came downstairs this morning, the husband says, "The cat barfed." and I said "I know. Where is it?" and He said, "In your shoe." And then I took a picture of it. Nice way to start the day!

anne nahm

Watch what you say to the cat, because those toddlers have big ears. And scooping apoopoo out of the litter box is no fun.

Or, for that matter, out of the bathtub:

Hope you feel better soon. Everyone says that this part of Mommying is just 'a season'. For which, seasonal allergies seems rather appropriate.


Is there something in the air? I've been in a funk for no good reason lately, too. I hope yours ends soon, especially since your coffeemaker isn't broken after all.


I have one of those automatic litter box thingies just begging to go to a home where it doesn't terrify the cat to the point where she will stand in the next room and meow until you chase her down, pick her up, and put her ass inside. Let me know if you want it - I'd be happy to find a way to get it to you. Seriously.


Baby beefcake makes everything better! I hate funks. Luckily they come & go. Why don't they just go & not come back, huh? We played the ever-living crap out of our library's copy of that Elmo Potty DVD. Now I have it on order with Amazon. Because I can't wait to watch it 1500 more times. Actually, I can't wait to quit shelling out 40 bucks/ month on diapers!


The Littermaid boxes ROCK and are worth every single bright, shiny penny's worth. We have a finicky cat and she never complains since we've gotten it.

Potty training? You crazy rabbit! I am not even attempting that until my kid is nearing 3, unless he shows some weird penchant for it. Why fight? Life is too short! A friend of mine had that approach and sure enough, a few months before her kid turned 3, he said "I'm thinking I'm going to start using the potty". And he did. :-)

P.S. This is not advice. Just observations!


Totally random question - WHERE did you get that kiddie pool? I'm looking for one just like it but can only find the hard plastic ones. The infatable ones are all HUGE or have tacky canopy's that spray water everywhere.

Who knew finding a simple kiddie pool would consume all of my damn time?


How old is Max? When one of our cats got to be around 11 years old, he started doing that "picky litterbox shitter" thing too. It never got better, unfortunately. I guess cats get all cranky in their geriatric years too.


You are riding what I like to call....the bitter bus. Just make sure you get off at the right stop. :)


Whoa. This has nothing to do with anything, but we have the same coffee maker AND the same KitchenAid. (But our toaster makes four slices, nyah nyah!)

Miss Britt

Noah is 6 months younger than my Emma and is even THINKIN about going poop on the potty?

Lucky whore, seriously. What's your secret? I pay for potty training secrets in booze and makeup.

Nothing But Bonfires

Hey, in addition to having the same IKEA table as you, we also have the same coffee pot. Except we're on version number three of said coffee pot (they have all been named Chad, but have just been given roman numerals after their name, like they're bow-tied Southern heirs or something.) The first one DID do that leaking thing, and it WASN'T because we'd forgotten to put the plastic basket in. The second one we replaced because...uh, it was sort of dirty after we've moved it across the country (hi! I buy a new car when the windows get dirty!)and we're still waiting to see how Chad III will pan out.

I see you spent the extra bucks for the stainless steel pot, though. Very classy.


I have the same coffee maker (which seems to be much more common than I thought! Yay, coffee maker club!), except that I have the glass carafe because we are cheap like that (and I need to see my coffee! In case something interesting happens to it!).

Noah is so incredibly cute. I love baby bodies!


Yes, the automatically cleaning litterbox might do the trick. My cats had no trouble adjusting. Clean litter every time.


I love that you have referenced the coolest radiohead song there is. Oh, by the way, my 3 year old still won't apoopoo in the potty. I'm failing miserably at the potty training.


Excuse me if I'm repeating someone else's comment:

Self-cleaning litter box. Really.


Marvin is possibly my favorite literary character, period. "Life! Don't talk to me about life!"


Dude, I have that same goddamned coffee maker, and it spews coffee all over the counter on a regular basis! I thought it was just ME!


Ding ding ding! Sarah wins. I almost called this post "Marvin" but wondered if anybody would get it. Y'all is so smrt.

ikate: we got the pool at Toys R' Us. It's one of those pop-up kinds that comes in a small round mesh bag that you will never, EVER get it folded correctly to fit in again. It also already sprung a leak, but the patch kit seems to work.


Oh, sweet baby J! You're live blogging the Top Chef tonight? Will Marcel lose his shit? Please, please I want him to. And Ilan's hair. WTF?

It's gonna be so super awesome, you can be as gassy as you want. We're so going to read you tonight.


Sometimes it seems like the world IS against you. I have a 2nd degree sunburn that I can't reach on my back, yesterday I was attacked by a stapler that spit staples at my face(and all my coworkers did was laugh and laugh), and just now my dog needed to have her butt wiped after pooing but I didn't realize it until she had already sat on the couch. crap. It's nice to know that maybe I shouldn't take this week personally, that the world is out to get lots of us:)


Suck about the coffee pot. I've done something similar too many times to count. Very few things make me more pissed off in the morning when I NEED coffee than to find it all over the damned counter.


Whoa! You freaked me out for a minute. I have the same coffee pot and I just about started to cry.


The tummy!

Operation Pink Herring

A cat who's refusing to use the box is just cause for a funky mood.

My cat (also Max) used to pee next to the litterbox all the time because he's a crotchety old man. And also sort of an asshole. Now he's a medicated old man who pees in the litterbox. Thank God for pet pharmaceuticals.


we have the same crappy coffee pot at work, although someone there likes the sludge version of coffee, so I don't drink it...but I seem to end up cleaning up after some hose-head doesn't do the little basket thing correctly. Morons.

as for your kitty poop issue...(sorry, assvice warning)
1. like others have said, try the Littermaid (but keep the other one out, too, in case Max freaks, not that he's using it, but...)
2. when one of our cats were spazzing out and not using the box (or maybe two of the cats...not like their poop has their name on it), my husband threatened to ship them off to the shelter. So we called the vet and they suggested keeping all four of our cats (yes, 4...and we have 2 dogs, and 1.8 kids...and we DON'T live in West Virginia, thankyouverymuch)...where was I? oh yes, all four cats locked in the basement (ours in unfinished and where all 5 litterboxes are located) for 2 weeks to help "reprogram" them into using the box. Seemed to work...and occassionally when someone falls of their kitty wagon, we stuff them down there for another week or two. Not fun, but gets them out of their "lets poop in the nursery" mode. Oh...and just a fun archive from our site (just in case Noah hasn't pooped in your tub yet):
thanks for the baby belly beefcake...very cute :)

Operation Pink Herring

I meant to say that we put him on Buspar, although everyone seems to think that a self-cleaning litterbox will do the trick. I was too scared to get one because Max is a crotchety old asshole who is also scared of EVERYTHING that makes noise.


I can't bring myself to do the Littermaid, even though I should, because OH MY GOD yes, the fucking picky cat about the fucking box, YES.

In his infinite Cat Logic, if the box is the teensiest bit dirty, my cat will get in it - yes, get in it, all four feet and everything - and promptly place his ass outside the box and poop on the floor.
This makes no sense whatsoever, as it's his DIRTY ASS that should stay in the box, while his precious feets should stay outside, but no no, he gets into the dirty box and sticks his dirty, dirty ass on the floor.


at the risk of irritating you or tempting fate or whatever, is it possible that you're not on the rag at all, but actually pregnant? just a thought... your reactions to things seem a lot like mine were when I first found out I was pregnant.

(Oh and if you are, you can't handle poo -- don't want to risk toxicplasmosis = Jason's turn for poo)....


When I read:

"Or, you know, grab a straw and suck that shit up off the countertop.

Same thing with all the pet poop."

I definitely interpreted it the wrong way at first.

Bethany Coffey

Oh girl, you fucking crack me up. I had one of those coffee malfunctions once. Didn't handle it well. I'm sure there was much *shaking fist at heavens* and then making hubby clean it up cause i'm a thoughtful bitch like that:) Have a great day doll! Love the new house!


I am in the midst of potty training, so I spend WAAAAY too much time in the bathroom recently. Especially public restrooms. Where DD sits on the potty (with my assistance of course) and hops up and down (on the potty) instead of peeing! I'm not a germ-phobe, but YUCK!! Of course, the more impatient I get, the funnier she thinks it is. Fortunately, my cats are behaving but let's not give them any ideas, ok??

kim at allconsuming

You're toilet training already?
A boy?
The first born?
At two?

Hell, you just went about a hundred rungs up my ladder. And let me just say, you were already stratospheric.


Ooh, that sucks about the catbox! My cat did that to me once. I was convinced he was being an asshole because obviously something about his pamperd kitty life was just NOT RIGHT at the moment. Turns out he wanted me to take the roof off the litterbox. Huh. Why couldn't he have just said that in the first place?!


How do you spell 'pregnant'?


I love that Jason's first reaction was to ask if there was Internet Drama. That man is paying ATTENTION, Amy. And Noah's belly! So smoochable! Last comment-Dude, there's an ELMO potty training video? Kaitlyn is so getting it, she already tells us when her diaper is wet by pointing to it and saying "hot".


Ok, I can't read all these comments to see if someone else wrote this as my baby is pulling all the books out of my bookcase and I need to stop him. But one of my cats isn't using the litter box, and it turns out she developed diabetes in the three months since she last went to the vet. Of course, the vet just gives us special food to help, and she's still doing it, so no big help. But just thought I'd pass on that info.


Wait, no one seems to have noticed that you are back to keeping your toaster on the COUNTER. You sicko.

(That open house post was one of my favorites.)


I've had the EXACT same coffee maker experience and cried about it as well. And possibly bought a new coffee maker thinking the other one was broken.


Noah in the kiddie pool is preshus!

And on the Littermaid automatic litterboxes: unless they've somehow become a MUCH better quality in the last few years, I wouldn't waste my money. I went through 2 of them--the rakes on both of them got jammed up and finally broke. The product is a good concept, but if they're not built to last, it's a lot of money down the drain.

Hope Max is feeling okay and that this is just a phase.


I too have to sing the praises of the automatic litter box. We have four cats and three or four of those suckers. Works great.


@ Jenn - you don't know how many litter boxes you have?

Anyway, we have 2 cats and 2 littermaids and use "The World's Best Cat Litter!!!" and it's a great set up. Except the cats just use one box now, for some reason.

Littermaids do get jammed if you don't clean out the rake with the little cleaning tool that comes with it. Takes 10 seconds. Just do it. I've had 3 littermaids and only one went bad and this was YEARS ago. Sure, it's loud and it gets stuck sometimes but it's totally worth it.

melissa b.

I can't believe I'm the only fifth grader here, channeling Cartman, but I have to:



I have the same coffee maker as you! Weee!


I had a cat that would on occasion pee outside of the box due to crystals in his urine. I put a cheap plastic-backed berber kitchen mat just outside the box so that I could pick it up and wash it instead of having to constantly clean the carpet. One of those might help until you get the problem solved. (And also, you can pick it up and shake the scattered litter back into the box.)


I have that coffee maker too, and if I don't put the stupid filter in with a level, the damn thing spews coffee all over my kitchen. Then I cry and curse, because if I can't even breathe without half a pot of coffee in the morning, how am I supposed to scrub coffee grounds out of the grout?

Kathy/ Lessons from the Laundry

Yeah, I think the funk invades the brain after too many poop accidents, coffee spills, and tantrums. But as quickly as it comes, it leaves. Husbands don't understand the funk. Hoope it leaves you soon.

I LOVE Top Chef. But we already have an audience because even my 8 year old likes it. I can't believe how harsh the newbies were on the season 1 and 2. Can't wait for next week.

midlife mommy

You might want to try one of those self-cleaning litter boxes. They're kind of a pain in the butt if the cat pees in the wrong spot, but most of the time, it works just fine to keep the box clear of debris. They're a little pricey, but well worth it with a fussy cat.


I did have that same coffee maker until it did that same thing and I threw the fucker on the floor! Very funny post!!


i'm totally in the same place with the elmo potty dvd constantly going and having my little one give me false poop alerts only to poop really queity in private while hiding in a corner that's really hard to reach with wet paper towels. i feel your pain!


I too have been in a funk all week. Just can't figure it out... Also, our cat did the same thing for YEARS! She would get in the box and pee, then get out and poop right next to it. I tried everything imaginable, then one day out of fate, we put her food and water next to the box and she stopped pooping on the floor. I think she just saved her own life.


"Basically, hi. I'm a whiny little bitch who is never happy. Also probably on the rag."

Best line ever. OMG, you're killing me today.

And Noah? Adorable as always.


"Basically, hi. I'm a whiny little bitch who is never happy. Also probably on the rag."
Are you my long lost sister?? Oh my gosh...I feel your pain. Good luck on the poop issue.
I love Noah's little baby abelly. Too cute!!

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