Paranoid Android
(It's the Boston accent that really gets me.)

Prognosis Negative

People. I'm not pregnant. Please don't take this the wrong way, but oh, my god, please. Please stop leaving comments -- even jokingly -- on entries telling me I'm pregnant because I'm cranky or emotional or you know, have the stomach flu. I know when to pee on a stick and I know when there is no point to peeing on a stick because I just had my period six damn days ago and when you guys leave comments saying OMG YOU'RE PREGNANT I feel the need to disclose the fact that I just had my period six damn days ago. And thus I further alienate my three male readers and how the hell am I expected to land that lucrative Girls Gone Wild ad campaign with no male readers a lot of goddamned period talk?

I know none of you mean any harm with those comments, but they make me sad. (It's not you, it's me, if I may continue piling on the Seinfeld references.)

I guess I'm not so very at peace with our little plan after all, since hey! We came up with that plan a WHOLE MONTH ago and DAMMIT, I am not pregnant yet! Fuck you, plan!

Today, in the span of about three hours, I found out that two of my friends are pregnant again. They both have babies a month or two younger than Noah. I am ridiculously happy for both of them. (I actually knew my one friend was pregnant before she did -- her boobs have been looking spectacular -- but today my hunch was officially confirmed.)

I am also achingly jealous. And kind of surprised at that. I remember this feeling from before Noah...how I would close my office door after every pregnancy announcement at work so I could grant myself a quiet sob and a few minutes to compose myself. How one day I found out someone I really disliked was pregnant and I cried for a solid hour and told my boss I was sick and I went home and threw a glass on the floor on purpose just so I could watch it shatter into a million pieces.

And I remember how I was already a few precious days pregnant at the time, but didn't know it yet.

And because I remember that I keep pulling up my calendar and recounting the days, hoping to find a mistake in my math, hoping to find a reason to hope that maybe this week's moody funk and today's unsettled reaction is hormonal and ha ha, isn't it just so ironic all over again?  Crazy pregnant lady! Go eat some candy!

Nope. No chance. And no reasonable expectation to believe this cycle will go any better than my last one, which was a whopping 56 days long. (The period I mentioned in this entry turned out to be some random spotting on day 45. And of course I secretly thought OMG IMPLANTATION BLEEDING. See? It's like I've got a whole other comments section going on in my head.)

"It will happen when it's meant to happen," my newly-pregnant friend said sympathetically over lunch today. "It will."

And I do believe that. It's happened before. The ever-so-meant-to-be proof is upstairs napping peacefully. I think I'll take him to the park when he wakes up.

I'm just really bummed that meant to be doesn't seem to be right damn now. And also because the stick I peed on just for the hell of it while trying to think of a title for this post was negative and that was really pathetic of me and goddammit, those fuckers are expensive.

Comments

Alexa

Ouch. Amen sister, and I am so, so sorry you have to go through this.

Tracy

Oh, Amy. I wish I knew what to say, but I don't. Maybe you need a distraction! Take the family on vacation! To...um...somewhere with no babies? That pretty much rules out Disney World.

Michelle

I am right there with you. Baby #1 is 15 months. We are expecting baby #2 to be a long time in the making. My periods have always been wonky and waaaay long but no Dr has really ever said there is something wrong with me. My post-pregnancy periods have been more regular than they ever were before - 48-56 days. My husband's solution to the problem of never knowing when I am about to ovulate is to just keep a regular schedule of "trying" every other day. He wants a baby, too but I think he mostly likes the trying part!

tiffany

i've been thinking about you. i had just found your blog when you and zoot were writing the 'do not fuck with the unpregnant women' posts...
baby-want sucks.

Misscecet

I've never had baby want, I don't have any babies, but I read you every day and I think you're hilarious. "Cheer up." (which is also shitty to hear. Sorry.)

Allison

I have so been there with the baby-want and the month after month of nothing. I'm sorry. But...the tests at the dollar store work just as well as the $15 ones and they're, well, a dollar!

Amber

Hey Amalah, I saw you on the metro the other day and I wanted to thank you for your writing...but I didn't want to bother you. So since I regrettably didn't say it in person, I just want to tell you how much I love your writing style, your opinion and your sense of humor. I'm not a "blog" person. Your blog is the one and only blog that I read...and have been reading for the past two years.

Tirzah

Well at least you aren't bitter. lol I'm only joking so please don't take offense! PLEASE! Maybe you and Jason need to have another talk...maybe this time the results will turn out different and your body will mesh with what your head is wanting. You just never know. It doesn't hurt to try!

TiA

Delurking to say send a million and one hugs to you. I can so relate to baby lust. When I read your post yesterday I knew what comments were a-coming (and I didn't even bother to read them this time lest I get bummed out too).

My heart aches for you love, because I've been there too.

cursingmama

not pathetic.
Have a good swing at the park.

Virginia Gal

Can I be there with you? My body is fucking with me and I don't appreciate it either. According to my plans I was going to get pregnant this past March...guess I need to throw those plans out the window, huh? I feel like Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka's Chocolate factory screaming "I want it NOW!"

thora

I had a dream that you and I made plans to hang out.
And you were waiting in the lobby of my boyfriend's condo for me, and when I saw you through the glass you were a little overly eager and so ridiculously friendly - and I thought, "She'll blog about this. She'll blog about this, and she'll paint herself out to be too overly eager and akward, but she's not. She's lovely and kind and sweet and I like her."

And I did.

But in my dream we had to go to a family function of mine (something I never approach overly eagerly at all), and I was so miserable and I shut down on you and we both had a miserable time and I knew that I had blown it.

Don't worry, I have very strange dreams about very strange things - I don't think I've developed a hetero-crush on you or anything.

Marie Green

It's the lack of control that drives us crazy, isn't it? Surrendering to the journey of parenthood has been one of my hardest lessons. Just try to keep the "trying" fun. =)

Cassie

First off - I'm sending all of my pregnancy bearing hormones your way, because Hi! I'm 25 and single and don't want to be pregnant, so I send my pregnancy inducing juju your way. Can you feel it working? No? I know that doesn't help at all, but perhaps the thought counts?

Also - As for your problems with the kitty presents in unpleasant places... I have a good friend whose cat started doing the same thing. First of all, they bought one of those super expensive self cleaning machines. Seems excessive, but they clean themselves every 10 minutes... perfect for a cat like yours because the box WILL be clean every time she wants to use it. Plus, a lot of them send out spurts of freshener, so really, who could ask for any more wonderment? I doubt you have $200 laying around for a litter box, but perhaps it'll TOTALLY be worth the investment. Also, they got extra normal boxes and placed them around the house in the rooms she liked to go in. Another option is kitty diapers, but alas - their cat was something like 20 with failing organs, so I don't think you should need to go that far.

Tracy

Don't you feel like an asshole when you pee on a stick KNOWING there's extremely slim chance it will be positive, but really, deep down wanting it to be positive anyway? Yeah. I did that on Tuesday. I'm an asshole.

Katie

Hang in there, hon.

Wacky Mommy

Even though I've got two, I still got a bit envious when my friends showed up pregnant with babies three and four.

Could I handle three or four? No, probably not. I am impatient and not always the greatest mother. But in my mind I was meant to have four.

Life just sucks sometimes.

Kait

There's nothing worse than "Are you pregnant" every five minutes when you're not. Except for hearing "I'm pregnant!" every five minutes when you're not.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, and I hope that things work out for you very soon.

Podkayne

Your post made me cry. I have always WANTED to throw a glass on the floor, since my heart shattered into a million pieces every time one of my slutty teenage students announced she was teen-pregnant, but we tried for 5 years and couldn't get it to take. We got a miracle who is now 29 months old, but damn it, I don't want to wait another 5 years for maybe something to happen again. Its not like we can "try" every other day with a toddler in the house. AND CLOMID made me crazy! AND THEN DIDN'T WORK!

Blah. Another teen pregnant emailed me today that her first essay of the summer semester will be late because she couldn't stop throwing up. HA HA HA! I do not accept late assignments!!!!! YOU FAIL!

Anyway, right there with you.

Amy H

I know the feeling.

Buy pregnancy tests online. They are so much cheaper and if you are going to be crazy about peeing on sticks every month or every bad mood, you will save a bunch of money that way.

(um, not that I have experience with that or anything...)

Marlo

I really don't think anything I could say could help. If I weren't some random internet person maybe. But you have my word I won't ever be the commenter like you described.
hehe. I've delurked for about one week and all of a sudden I have become in my mind alpha commenter. I suck.

AmyM

There, there. *pats Amalah's head* It'll be ok.

Klsm

The pregnancy bombardment questions are the best aren't they? I had two miscarriages last year and didn't handle the 2nd very well as a lot of wine was consumed post m/c. The day after my 2nd one I had someone ask me if I had considered adopting. I told her "I am not quite done giving my eggs a go at it but will get back to you on that one" PUHlease, the day after was not the time to ask. I swear that every commercial I saw after that was for diapers...baby formula..baby food...some baby superstore having some giant sale and EVERY single person I saw on the street was pregnant or most everyone I know had just gotten pregnant. Happy for most, but oddly jealous at the same time, it was unnerving. We were told to wait 6 months which we are now done with and have, as my husband puts it, "pulled the goalie" GAH. Excited...scared...teror has set in.... Just do whatever works for you guys...the rest of the world will just have to wait.

And dude...I was in DC last week...it was 96 degrees on Tuesday...WTF??

Baileyswedishfish

I'm 45.

I peed on a stick because I was 2 months late. Nada.
Went to my annual doc's appt and told him of my woes. He had me pee in a cup. $60 for the same damn negative test. (SIX.TEE.BUCKS. But hey! Insurance paid it!) Had me donate blood for bloodwork.

I did find out however that I'm perimenopausal and the hot flashes should have been my first clue.

*sigh* I guess no babies for me. Ever. Not that I was keen on having them anyhow. But now the door is shut. I think I'm ok with it and then I look at my 75 and 73 year old parents and know that when they are gone, I'm alone. (I'm an only child...which, tell Noah is super fantastic because you get all of Mom and Dad's love to yourself) Then I'm not so sure if I'm ok with it. Fortunately, I have a close relationship with my three stepkids, but it is different and they ultimately aren't mine.


My only dumb assvice is this. Life is today. Right now. There are no second chances. No do-overs. Enjoy what you have at this very moment. You have a beautiful gift and that's more than some people ever even hope for. Maybe this is the only baby you will ever have. Maybe Noah is the first of a dozen. Who knows? Take it one day at a time and appreciate every second.

((HUGS))

kelly

Delurking to send you a hug and yet another "I know how you feel" with regard to every damn person thinking they have the right to know all about my stick-peeing.

Can I buy you an ice cream?

Catherine

An IRL friend of mine, who describes herself as "fabulously infertile", advises not even thinking of peeing on a stick until your clothes stop fitting and you've eaten your tenth ice cream and Chex Mix sundae.

Liz

Want me to come rub your feet or something? That's LOVE right there because I HATE feet.
Sorry you're having one of "those" days. It sucks. And I ain't gonna lie and say "it will get better" because it might not and what kinda friend would I be if I LIED to you?
Hope I at least made you smile.

Katie Kat

Amy, my dear dear girl... you may not be pregnant, but you are OH SO VERY HORMONAL!

The difference between you and me is that when I find out a friend is pregnant (like I did today, ironically!), I say "Oh... that's... ummm... nice. They are in for a HUGE change in their lives. I hope they are ready. But no, really, I'm happy for them. Ummmm, yea!?" I just know my experience was one I wouldn't repeat - even for money. I love my little one, but I am just so NOT ever doing that again!

Pass the wine... :)

jessica

I've got one and I am done, I wanted it this way. But I still can't help but ache a bit when people tell us they are expecting number 2, or 3 or 5. I know I can't have anymore, I don't even want to, but still...I think it is natural.

IHF

And also because the stick I peed on just for the hell of it while trying to think of a title for this post was negative and that was really pathetic of me and goddammit, those fuckers are expensive.

Amen, sister.

Kelly

Because I totally understand the obsessive/hopeful/pathetic peeing on sticks and damned-straight they're expensive suckers, I offer you my own solution: http://www.amazon.com/Early-Detection-Pregnancy-Tests-Pack/dp/B000GHZZOS/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/105-7079605-7310858?ie=UTF8&s=hpc&qid=1181250831&sr=8-1
Cheap. So cheap. Yes you have to dip them, but with some bathroom Solo paper cups you're good to go. They're not fancy packaged or come in a box, but they're as accurate as all the expensive tests out there.

Kyla

Ack Amy. Don't know what to say...everything comes out all trite and glossy. All I have to share is this:

A gift for Amalah

Click it, it is good for the soul, my dear.
(also, is not spam)

Lisa

~sigh~

My sister is dealing with infertility as well, just found out IVF #2 failed and that a girl she doesn't particularly like is newly pregnant.I'll tell you the same thing I told her this week.
I wish I could make this easier for you.
I wish I could make everything better.

Hang in there...

Jim

lets just not talk about periods anymore.

Signed,

One of the three

Matt

One of the three male readers here. We don't need no "Girls Gone Wild"! We gotz mommybloggers. Much more entertaining. Cheers!

Megan

OMG I am dying laughing over here. Poor Jim! Your comment was classic.

And Amalah? I feel you. Have no assvice to give. I'm only recently married and want a baby way too badly. Hubby says I must be insane and his sperm isn't coming near any eggs anytime soon and DON'T EVEN TRY TO STOP TAKING THAT PILL. Sigh. Good things come to those who wait. You have sweet Noah as proof, right? :)

Daily Tragedies

I think we all feel this way at some point. When "everyone" around us is getting married, getting pregnant, or landing the right job... It's hard to come to terms with "meant to be" when it's not happening on My Timeline. (uh, not that I just wrote about that yesterday or anything)

Hang in there. And drink lots of wine, while you still can. =)

Jennie

"I went home and threw a glass on the floor on purpose just so I could watch it shatter into a million pieces"

You're not the only one who does this, but I know that just because you aren't alone doesn't make you feel any less alone. Hopefully some strangers sending you some really effing positive thoughts may help a bit. If not, I always try very strong, very on-the-rocks margaritas.

Amy

I spent my whole twenties doing everything possible to avoid getting pregnant. Now that all my friends are having babies, I'm starting to understand how hard it actually is. Miscarriages, infertility, endometriosis...Holy Lord, it's a gut wrencher.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated topic: I can't believe they let that bitch out of jail!!!!

Nicole

*Sigh* I think I know that feeling. I have PCOS, and really irregular periods. Although I'm crazy in the middle of grad school, every late period makes me think it might be a baby, and I'm always sad when it's not...even though I like my grad school life right now.

BTW, from one chronic pee stick user to another...Buy your pregnancy tests at Dollar Tree. They're...a DOLLAR (who'da thunk it?)

Jenny

Long-time reader de-lurking to say that I'm so sorry things are tough right now. I was in a similar position last year, with people I didn't like getting pregnant, and even a girl at work who wasn't married (the horror!). Instead of breaking a wine glass, I kept filling it with wine. I have incredible alcohol tolerance now. . .could have used that in my early 20s!

Happy Ending: I eventually became pregnant with our now-six-month-old daughter. It just took the right man-juice, the right egg, and the right time. I pray that the right time comes for you soon.

Debbie

It is so interesting to me that your feelings sound oh so similar to the feelings I have about wanting a romantic relationship in my life. The wanting to trust that everyhting happens in time, that it will be when it is meant to be, that it is best to appreciate life as it is now so that you can allow for the great things to come, blah blah BLAH and the really intense wish that the comment "everything happens for a reason" was immediately followed by the actual REASON!

Oh and while, I'm at it, it would be lovely if we could make a formal request to expedite these things we are wanting and longing for. Who do i write to about this?!

Anyhoo ... my lame ass point is that longing is longing, no matter what IT is we are longing for, and frankly it sucks! And even when a very real part of us is at peace with waiting and trusting in time to unfold as it should, another part of us just wants to push the fast forward button until we finally get IT!

I hope your "it" comes soon.

Randi

I just wrote a post similar to this last week!! So I FEEL your pain:0 The minute you "think" about wanting another baby, EVERYONE suddenly is with child and most are not even trying.

So I understand how you are feeling. It's hard, very hard. You are happy for them, yet there is still that twinge of jealousy. Or the whole, "Will I ever get to join their happy swollen group? And when will I get to join it?" Thanks for being honest in this post. It's refreshing!

Jen

Did I just read the expression "man- juice"?


HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Thanks for the laugh, funny poster.

Mary

In my personal life, I am surrounded by people who are pregnant. All around the Blogosphere, people are announcing they are pregnant. And I work as a nurse in a freaking NICU, so I am around babies ALL THE TIME. And I am not pregnant. And although I say that I am not going to start trying to get pregnant until my summer of Weight Watchers is over, it still sucks that I am not pregnant.

Anyway, I tell that story to say that I hear you, sister. And I am sorry that the crazy stuff going on in my head is going on in yours too.

bon

This is possibly the worst ever time for me to be pregnant or GET pregnant... but I am doing the same aching and counting you are. And peeing on sticks like I am somehow gonna ovulate two days after my period.

It is what it is, this brand of "mama crazy."

Marilyn

*hugs* for you Amy. I've been down that road and it sucks big time. It's so damn frustrating when the timing you want just won't happen. No other words of wisdom, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and praying you get your wish sooner rather than later.

Julia

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My boys are seven years apart so I understand the ache when others announce their pregnancies. he was SO worth waiting for though. One time when I explained to him that I had two miscarriages between them he thought for a moment and then said, "mom, I think that was me but I was waiting for THIS skin". made me cry of course.

kheatherg

I rarely comment but thought i would add that the "Dollar store" (If you have one in your area) has pg tests for a dollar, I shit you not, so if one of those comes up positive, your 1 million percent Prego.

Just trying to save you some money.......lol

LOL

Good luck!

Corinne

I want to throw a glass on the floor, too - but for completely different reasons.

That would feel SO GOOD.

But then I'd have to clean it up.

laughing mommy

As someone who dealt with infertility for 10+ years I have to agree with you...

NO ASKING ANYBODY AT ANY TIME EVER IF THEY ARE PREGNANT, EVEN IF THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY PREGNANT JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

NTE

I'm seriously thinking about doing that 'watching the glass shatter' thing: did it help? Sorry that you're feeling the pressure, and the sadness. Only hoping the best for you and yours.

Tuesday

I so get it. I so so get it and I am going through it right now. With you.

SR

Girl, I feel your pain. Getting pregnant has never been an easy thing for me. After 6 failed IUIs, we finally got pregnant w/ IVF #1. My boy is now 5 mos. People are friggin asking me when we're going to try for a second. I know they mean well, but can I fuckin get a break? It especiallly cuts deep when these fertile Myrtles (w/ 3 or 4 kids) say, "tick tock, you're not getting any younger."

Having baby #2 comes with a lot of physical and emotional endurance . . . endurance, quite frankly, that I yet to have.

Sounds like you might be gearing up for it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Best,
SR

shannon

I had my second miscarriage this week. This waiting for it to be my (or your, in your case) turn, when everyone around me (you) is getting pregnant and having babies sucks royally.
Hang in there.

Amy

OMG I totally get where you are right now. My husband and I are undergoing insemination and it's possible that I will be inseminated on Saturday. I just want to be pregnant now dammit.

At work a lady told us her daughter is pregnant due in December. My boss's best fried is pregnant due in December. One of my classmates is going to be a grandmother in November. Another one just had a baby 3 months ago. There are babies everywhere and none in my uterus!

dcfullest

I was going to throw out "the buy pregnancy tests online, cause somehow the negative hurts a teeny bit less when you didn't have to pay $5 for it" assvice, but it seems like a bunch of people beat me to it.

Being not pregnant sucks. really bad. Being on clomid and crying all time sucks too. I just want a wee bit of hope.

Becca

So sorry. I don't have any advice, but I can only imagine what an awful feeling it is that you're describing.

I just got a negative result myself this week after my body put on quite the impressive pregnancy charade.

I hope it happens for you soon.

Neena

Dude, I have an idea! Since you are awesome-babysitter-less: let me watch Noah for a weekend, you and Jason go at it like rabbits, and we'll repeat until optimal results are achieved. That means that I get to hang out with your OMGAdorable boy and you can get some baby (and poop) free Jason time in! No, I will not clean Max's litterbox though. Do you find it at all odd that I actually hope that one day the elusive Amalah will call me and ask me to babysit her son that I may or may not (not, totally) have a bit of an obsession with? Not in a creepy way, I promise. Been reading the blog for a while, and me love you (and in awe of you) long time. :) Seriously, take me up on the offer!!

Tam

I'm so sorry. TTC can totally suck. I was a POAS ADDICT when I was trying. It was pathetic, really. Charting, temping, ovulation kits, the freakin' works. I had a couple of chemicals that about broke my heart. I finally did blood work and found out I was simply too damn old (not saying that about you!)...Sending you hugs.

Meepers

Ugh. Amy, I don't comment here all that often, but this post made me want to .....throw a whole store full of glasses on the floor. For you, for every fertile-y challenged woman out there, for my own endless frustration, for all the knocked up teenagers/crack ho's. Womankind, I suppose.

The jealousy, it seems, does not subside even when you've already been gifted with one. Good to know - my entire post today was about wanting a medal for the (*excruciating*) decision to not have kids. And by 'medal', I mean "tickets to Bali".

Erin

Amy - Sorry, am behind on reading. Re: Max and the litter box - you really should take him to the vet. I had an older cat that started doing exactly what you are describing and it ended up being a kidney infection.
So now I look forward to posts on how you try in vain to push pills into a cat...

Penny

I haven't experienced the depth and breadth of TTC-heartbreak that you obviously have, but have experienced my share. And I'm TTC my second also. And I also get insanely jealous of absolutely every pregnant lady on the earth.

I think you should get a second RE's opinion, preferably one who costs a lot with a good reputation, on alternative drug therapies (femara! just sayin'!) and possibly try (if you haven't already) a few homeopathic remedies. Acupuncture, herbs, massage. If nothing else, they'll make you feel kind of nice.

I hope you can make me jealous soon too. Good luck with you.

kobri

I have the major baby-want too, but right now I am focusing on solving the boyfriend-want. Seems like the logical first step. Until I have that solved I would gladly lend you my regular cycle if I could, believe me. Right now it is only good for predicting the full moon and being a pain in the neck.

Penny

Sorry on my comment above. I meant to add lines like, "so I totally sympathize," and "my pain is nothing compared to yours" but it somehow became all about me. Perhaps it's the big glass of red wine I downed (to help with TTC, of course!).

Anyway, sorry about your PITA uterus.

Colleen

What can I say? It hurts my heart to see you, or any other more-than-deserving woman, yearn for the morning sickness, swollen feet, sciatica, irrational food choices and eating habits, just so that she can relish in comfort that you get from feeling little feet kick at your ribs, or little hands punch from inside your belly. Or to smell their little heads once they're here.
So I'm sending you all my averagely-fertile hormones, some hugs, and a band-aid for your heart because I'm sure it hurts, too.
Also, I'm sure you've already tried this, but both times I got pregnant, my husband and I were both rip-roaring drunk (probably because we were kind of "tired" of trying AGAIN and needed something to loosen up the legs since I might be ovulating). First time was with some great chardonnay from Tarara Winery (located just north of Leesburg); second time I think I started off with wine from Pearmund Cellars (near New Baltimore, VA)...not sure what I ended with...so maybe you need to be rip-roaring drunk on VIRGINIA wine!!! :D

eowyn_2

((((((((((((((((Amalah))))))))))))))))

Couple thousand times.

Melissa

I hear you. Sixty months (sixty!) of no birth control, it will happen when it happens, let's just try to center activity during the most likely days, and nothing.

Some days I'm fine with it, but I found myself actually stamping my foot on the floor the other night when my husband mentioned that his brother's wife is pregnant. Again. And then our friend chimed in about his newest (days old) nephew, and .. so I stamped. Quietly. And I passed it off like I was stomping on an ant. But I knew what I was doing.

Lisa

my assvice is go to the dollar store to get your pregnancy tests -- the work just as well!!

Pocklock

So two choices.

Glass half full: We can toast a shot of Tequila and hope for better luck next month.

Glass half empty: Drink what's in the glass.

sass

i am 21, in a long distance relationship... i still live with my mother and i am out of work.
i know it all sounds horrible but i know i am a great person, and i want a baby like there is no tomorrow.
i need to
-get a job
-move out
-be in the same country as my man
-wait for us to be ready
-actually be able to afford a child
-get off antidepressants
THEN, MAYBE start trying. if our relationship works out when we do end up living together.
not one day goes by where i don't think of my future kids, and don't ache to be pregnant, meet them and hold them in my arms.
not one.

you have a husband, and you have your gorgeous noah. you are sad, but i envy you and what you have.

hang in there, mama.
*hugs*

DavidS

Delurking to say, more male readers than you might guess -- I think I'm 4th in these comments.

It sounds like you know how to cry when you want, and how to cherish the wonderful things that you have. Be comforted, 'cause that ain't nothin'.

rebecca

in vitro?

Leezil

My local Dollar Store has the sticks. Should I send you a gross or two?

scoutsadie

Amy, although I have never felt the urge to be pregnant or be a parent, and therefore can only guess what it's like to feel what you're feeling, my heart truly goes out to you on this. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

On a lighter note, since I didn't get to comment yesterday and comments are now closed for that post, I have one word for you:

Robo-crapper.

(Okay, compound word, but it's still technically one word.) We have the Littermaid one that folks mentioned back there, and it's awesome, esp. for the very fastidious brat cat sitting under my left arm as I type this (yeah, you, Sadie cat!)

That's all.

Gin

OMG big big ((((((amalah)))))). I have been married and having completely unprotected frequent sex for the last 6 YEARS. No baby. Nada. I've hoped month after month to have it 'naturale' and needless to say I HATE it when my friends go thru the 'you MUST be pregnant cycle.' Yeah - bleeding like a stuck pig, pregnant ... riiiiight. The harshest thing was a hosted thanksgiving at my house 2 years ago when my best friend thought it was cool to start the rumor that I was pregnant as a joke. Yeah, trying undoing that to the 35+ people cycling through your house. Ya it's a joke. Haha. No I'm really not. Want me to pee on a stick with an audience? Want to see what the outside of the door looks like?

psumommy

Many, many hugs to you. To add to the chorus, I've been there, I know EXACTLY how you feel. You are not alone.

Miss Britt

I hate "meant to be". I mean, I like it in THEORY, but my problem is worrying about if what's "meant to be" is the same as what I WANT to be.

I mean, what if God thinks that I'm MEANT for backwater BFE my whole life? I think if He would just sit down and get pre-approval on The Plan from me first, I would be much better at siting back and waiting for it to happen.

Simone

Sorry you're not pregnant. Your son is beautiful.

Nancy

Been there, and it so sucks.

Here's another place to get the 'dip strips'(just like the drs office uses) on the cheap. http://www.futuremoms.com/

gorillabuns

did someone, 30 people above say "the right man juice?"?!?!?!?!?

btw: i understand... not about the right man juice but, about the frustration.

Maria

(((((Amy)))))

I'll never have babies so I don't have anything insightful to add.

Karyn

Hi, Amy :)

I *so* love reading your blog... Apologies for doing a silly fan-grrl comment instead of something witty, insightful, MEANINGful. gah!

Honestly. Part of what I love about reading you is that I live vicariously through you and your beautiful, blond, blue-eyed little boy. You are so real, and you put it out there every day... I won't ever have children; I'm doomed (in a good? way) to be one of them there crazy cat ladies, but I hope you won't mind so much, and in a totally-not-creepy way, I'm sending you a little hug because though I can't possibly know how you feel, I sorta, kinda (wish) totally know how you feel. (I never peed on a stick though. :D)

Okay, I know, not really... but sometimes wishing you'd one day find yourself pregnant once or again unites you to like-minded people just the tiniest bit, for an infinitesimal second.

I'm sorry you're sad to find yourself not expecting (yet), I wholly believe we'll find ourselves reading a post that you ARE again one day, and in the meantime, I'll keep enjoying your funny, endearing, LOL-I'm-with-ya-there, good storytelling... if that's okay with you. :))

You ROCK, chickie. hugs

The Yap

Thanks for being so honest! I think there are MANY women who have been in that exact same boat. It is a very shitty boat and I hate it.

On a lighter note, you should THROW AWAY that coffee maker from your last entry. You are the fourth person I know who has problems with it spewing coffee everywhere...even if you did forget the filter thingy. Ours would just have projectile coffee randomly even when every part was LOADED CORRECTLY. I HATE that coffee maker.

Noah is DEFINITELY a keeper, though! Good for you for getting him a baby pool. I have been way too lazy to do that!

Tam.

Oh Amy, I know that ache, that jealousy and how everyone, their mother and their grandmother seem to be pregnant at times like this. I used to want to bitch slap the folk that told me "just relax, it will happen." So, I won't say it. I will however, give you the name of a Fabulous accupuncturist in DC. His name is Sen Huang. His office is right by GW. I saw him after a failed IVF~~I mean, RIGHT after a failed IVF. BFN on July 22, 2005..then BFP August 23, 2005. Was it the accupuncture? Who knows? But, I will say this. I saw him twice a week and I had never felt better. He is the real deal!!!!!!!

Jamie

There are only two other guys reading this space?

Shit, they're gonna pull my man card or something.

Kelly

I had the baby lust before my first baby (there was also a miscarriage that made it more intense). Then with my 2nd bout of baby lust, by sister-in-law and I were in the same boat for 1 year and little over a year. So, we teamed up - drank at every family event. That way no one would ask us if either of us were pregnant yet. Then we went out shopping to spoil our "babies" - my 2 year old son and her 4 year old lab who still acts like a puppy. With all the retail therapy and wine we could handle, I still had baby lust bad, and got so upset *almost* everytime someone would announce they were pregnant. I feel for you.

If I was in DC, I would say - lets go to the spa and eat anything chocolate!

BTW - my son who is 2 years old, watched me read your post about the Chicken Dance earlier this week, then went into the kitchen and started dancing and saying "kaka! kaka!" just like in the video. That was one of the best laughs I've had - thanks!

Sharon

I hear ya, and I have nothing worthwhile to say. I am currently having my first period since February, and I must have taken 20 pregnancy tests during that time thinking just maybe...even though I knew I wasn't ovulating, knowing that no cycle basically means no baby, knowing that even if I saw a miracle positive I was likely in store for the same heart breaking results as my last pregnancy.

But, negative, of course. Isn't it funny how sometimes even the test mocks you by giving you that stupid single line too definitively?? Like, not only does it say not pregnant, it says - "You moron, you knew that before you peed on the stick. Stop wasting my time."

I'm sorry that "the plan" isn't settling well with you - I sincerely hope it happens for you soon.

Joanne

I just read that you can get the pee sticks ridiculously cheap online. So there's that anyway! Good luck, we are out here hoping for you and yours.

Operation Pink Herring

There are a bunch of people I know who think it's funny to say "you must be pregnant!" every time I mention that I am tired/have a random craving/don't feel well/etc. I want to punch them in the eye every time. I'm not even TRYING to get pregnant, so joking about it isn't really funny. It's like Hahaha, you must be pregnant, haha THAT would suck, LOL!

Sweet coworkers I have, right?

ANd then of course after I'm done being pissed off, I get paranoid pee on a stick and those fuckers ARE expensive, damnit.

Lori

Thank you so much for sharing, Amy. I'm going through the same thing myself. I was so incredibly blessed that I got pregnant on the first go 'round with IVF. We decided 2 years later that we wanted a second child and have had two unsuccessful IVF attempts. I keep telling myself that I'm so lucky for having my daughter and that if I get pregnant again it will just be "icing on the cake", but I know I'm just kidding myself. I'm devastated. My daughter has been asking me for a baby sister and I don't have the heart to tell her that it most likely will not happen. My sister-in-law is pregnant with her third child and I have felt so guilty for being more jealous than happy. You're sharing your experience has helped me a lot. I no longer feel like a horrible person.

honestyrain

oh fuck, i remember the implantation bleeding hopefulness. has anyone ever in the history of the world implantation bled or is it something crazy women like us made up while trying to get pregnant because we are crazy? damned implantation bleeding.

you know what my friends and i used to say when we were trying to get pregnant but were not succeeding? we said we were all gonna go be crack whores because crack whores are always pregnant. it comes to them like a fish to water. or some other far better analogy.

and hell with it'll happen when it's meant to. i mean, that's true, but it sucks huge ass. stupid destiny. stupid destiny and implantation bleeding. stupid stupid.

ali

the boobs ALWAYS give it away :)

Matt

Amy, I think I may have commented here about 2-3 times over the last 2 yrs. I feel compelled to add a 2nd comment to this post. (One of the obviously more than 3 guys.)

First, I read you because you are very funny, write extremely well and offer a genuine POV. Very, very few people can express themselves consistently so well and with such a consistent humorous affect.

Secondly, the reason I read yours and several other well writtem mommyblogs is demonstrated here in the comments to this post. The unbelievable sense of community, the willingness of dozens of women to tell their own stories in empathy with your own. The expressions of support and caring.

I'm not a young man and I have grown children of my own (sons). But you girls are teaching me a lot. I have used things I have found on the mommyblogs to advise my own sons on the need for empathy in supporting their pregnant/new mother partners.

I hope you feel the love, support and respect we are all showing you. I hope it offers you some small level of comfort. And I thank you for allowing us to share in your journey in sunch a clever and open manner.

karen

It turns out that 4 years apart is a very good age span for children, despite my having spent a lot of time and unpregnant anguish trying to make it 2 years.

lizneust

Oh Amy. I feel you. It took us forever to get pregnant the first time, only to miscarry at 20 weeks. Today we have 2 beautiful little girls (3.5 yrs and 18 mos), but we've recently decided we're done. It's the RIGHT decision, but oh my heart hurts with the baby want. I WANT the birth control to fail, despite the fact that "accidental" pregnancy has never and will never happen to me. I find myself hoping I'm late. And I know, just as I still mourn that first baby, I will always still want more, even if it doesn't make sense. Give yourself, Noah and Jason long, long hugs. And give yourself permission to be "pathetic", because hope is NEVER pathetic.

Karyn

Amalah-
I don't normally comment, but I really feel ya on this post. We're still trying to have Baby #1 and it's getting harder to hear "When it's meant to happen...." from well-meaning friends who are popping out kids all over the place.

My own father actually asked if we were "still talking about having kids." Oh, kids? No. We gave up on that. Yeah, thanks for asking and reminding me. I keep forgetting.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you.
Hang in there, and thanks for the awesome writing! You always make me laugh.

Tessa

Hey Amy. I know how you feel. 8 years I tried. 8 years worth of peeing on a stick every time I was a little late with my cycle... I finally got lucky and have a beautiful 6 year old, but, I can't have any more. The baby lust sucks. You have hope though. That's a valuable commodity no matter what the subject matter. Hang on to that and keep smashing glasses if it helps you get through it. :) We're all with you. My prayers and thoughts go out to you.

Jolene

Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in feeling the way that I do. My husband and I want to have a baby in the worst way. Thank you again Amy. Many positive thoughts and hugs coming your way!

Linda

Hugs to you. I totally know where you are right now. I have a wonderful 3 year old son, who will probably be an 'only' child. Most days I'm cool with it - but there are times when I still get jealous of my super fertile sister (#3 is on the way) and others. I remember, after my first mc and 8 mos of trying for our son, it felt like EVERYWHERE I went there were pregnant women in droves. Ugh. Anyway, since our son I've had another mc and ectopic pregnancy ... so I think we're done trying - haven't even tried in 18 mos. The more I read about single children, the more accepting I am of it and actually happy about several aspects. So, all that said to tell you best of luck and I hope things work out for you ... and if your beautiful Noah is your 'only' child - then enjoy him because he ROCKS.

Oh, and could I just smack people who know nothing about me that tell me we need to give our son a little brother or sister. SHUT THE HELL UP. I NEVER ask people w/o kids or w/ 1 kid about having any/more ... wise up already and mind your business. Grrr ... I want to tell them to go have 5 (my worst nightmare) and leave me alone.

:) Peace

p.s. I use the word 'only' very losely because you and I both know that there is nothing 'only' about our wonderful boys!!!

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