It Occurs To Me That Everything About This Entry Is Somehow Related To Gas
June 27, 2007
Whenever I'm on nitrous oxide, I always feel like I'm flying high above some magical land of magic. The land is different every time, and is usually inspired by whatever music is playing. (At the dentist's office, I should probably clarify. I gave up recreational use a good six months ago.) This has led to some really weird hallucinations involving Peabo Bryson in the past.
But this morning I was flying high over an animated land of rainbows, while cartoon characters with Afros and sequined yellow jumpsuits disco-danced to Shake Your Groove Thing. I was also 1) lying down with my feet up, and 2) officially off of diaper duty. Plus drugs! Let us not ever forget about the drugs.
And yes, I was also getting the very last of my fourteen zillion cavities filled, but that's really splitting hairs. I had a nice morning off! It was downright lovely.
Oh, and I received a brand-new bite appliance, for to be wearing at night so I don't grind my teeth down to little nubs of exposed nerves. It's sexy! I can't wait to put it in and whisper those magic words to Jason one of these nights.
"Hey baby, e'm ovulathing."
You okay, Mama? Why don't you stop twirling and sit down for a minute?
And now, for everybody who asked, I will destroy all illusions that I am your superior because I can open a bottle of champagne with a sword. Because it is so easy you are going to laugh. Laff!
(I'm not actually performing the trick in these photos, since we're down to our last bottle also, it's like 11:15 in the morning, people. That's way too late for mimosas. It's vodka time, baby.)
First find a very thoroughly chilled bottle of bubbly. Champagne, prosecco, sparkling wine, whatever. I have no idea if sparkling cider would work and frankly, do not care to find out.
Psychotic ninja glare not necessary, but it helps.
Then find a sword or something vaguely like a sword. It should be metal and extremely sturdy and (this is important) decidedly BLUNT. NOT SHARP. The back of a good chef's knife is perfect. The guy at the vineyard told us he's performed the trick with a tire iron. I'm sure MacGuyver could open a bottle with a crayon, some duct tape and a shot of whiskey, but I recommend you go with a knife the first time you try it.
Singing fridge magnets? I'm totally coming for you next.
Next, examine the bottle until you find the seam. It runs from the base of the bottle all the way to the opening. It's kind of raised so you can find it with your thumb.
The Seam: Your Roadmap to AWESOME.
Remove the foil and uh. Go outside.
Remove the wire cage thing. Hold the bottle with the seam facing up. And all you need to do is run the back of the knife along that seam until you hit the lip at the top of the bottle. That's it. Really.
If you do it with enough force (which isn't even that much, considering me and my girlish weak arms can do it just fine), the top of the bottle will separate cleanly and the cork will go flying. There may be some sharp edges, but no broken bits of glass.
Smile, bow, and try to remember that YES. IT'S A GODDAMN SWORD AND NOT YOUR INDEX FINGER, MS. HAND-TALKY McGESTURE.
That's it? Dude. What a rip-off.