A Different Kind of Okay
July 12, 2007
Well. He's speech delayed. All official-like.
Oh, dial back on the melodrama, Self. Whatever. He's okay. I'm okay!
I was a little late to our appointment. Because I kept changing my shirt. I was looking for my most-capable-looking outfit, as Cher Horowitz would say, and couldn't figure out how best to look like a responsible, informed mother...but, you know, not like a helicoptering stage mother who spends too much time on Google. I am thinking that mother owns a lot of sweater sets.
In the end, I wore shorts and a tank top. But! I wore a BELT. I was READY.
I read all of your lovely comments while we waited in the exam room (iPhone! iPhoneiPhoneiPhonemmmm), and after the dozenth or so story about a late-talking kid who went on to be perfectly fine and smart and become President of the United States and inventor of the TiVo, I began to feel really silly for even being there. This is ridiculous! He's fine!
So I shoved my phone back in my bag and waited for the doctor to come in and tell me how fine everything was.
Noah was particularly charming during the entire appointment and clearly developed a wee little grandpa crush on his doctor. He kept hugging him. He slapped him five and grinned like a loon and the doctor declared him utterly delightful.
The only thing he did not do was talk. At all. Not a word.
I rattled off all of our words: Aball. Adada. Amama. Ababy. Car. Banana. Oh no.
"Banana?" the doctor asked. "Does he really say the whole word?"
"Well. No. It's more like nana."
He nodded. And then he crossed it off the list. Not even partial credit! Way harsh!
I listed our sort-of words. Ball-ball for bye-bye. Eee for eyes. Dar for star and awawa for butterfly. Nah for Noah. I didn't mention abeer, but Noah hasn't said that in ages anyway.
I told him how Noah loses words or simplifies them over time. That's when he noticed Noah was walking on his tiptoes.
"Does he do that a lot?"
Fuck. Yes.
As today's modern neurotic parent knows, walking on tiptoes is your one-way ticket to the magical, fuzzy land of "sensory integration issues." Add in some drooling, tantrums at Gymboree and a heap load of food and texture issues...and bam! You've just been upgraded to first-class.
The doctor took one look at my face (which, did I mention by this point I'd broken out in lovely Something-About-Mary-style hives all over my face and neck? Because I totally did. So much for my capable-looking tank top.), and immediately began to tell me over and over (and over again) that no! NOT AUTISM! NOT ASPERGER'S! WE ARE NOT TALKING AUTISM HERE PLEASE DON'T FREAK OUT.
I assured him that while yes, I am a neurotic mess, autism has never once been on my list of Things That Could Be Wrong With My Kid. (Thing #1: Almost Too Cute And Delicious, Thus Irresistible To Bears.) Who, by the way, is trying to tickle your thigh. Could you please indulge him and pretend to laugh, Doctor?
"Don't call yourself that." he said, while miming a hearty knee-slap. "I mean it. This is your child. You're supposed to worry about him."
So. Noah definitely falls into the 25% delayed or more category, and qualifies for a more thorough evaluation. His doctor strongly believes some kind of sensory processing problem is the cause, but that it's probably nothing that can't be corrected before kindergarten.
I now have a list of early intervention centers and phone numbers, with the words DON'T PANIC written on it in large, friendly letters. (I may have written them. I have lovely -- if remarkably childlike -- penmanship.) And I've been advised to start signing with him. (Karma has bitten me in the ass. And it has a beak. Like a duck.)
Part of me wonders if we're just making A Thing out of Not A Thing. Part of me feels relieved that this prickle of worry that I've been simultaneously ignoring and stressing about for months may have been justified. That all those times I said, "I think there might be something up with Noah's speech," only to get brushed of with a dismissive wave from friends ("Oh, stop being so neurotic"), I was actually right.
Most of me wishes I'd been wrong. But all of me will do whatever Noah needs me to do, and will love him just the way he is, because please. He's fine. He's okay. He's perfect.
Darn straight, he's perfect. You know, there were many times I felt like I should have had Harry checked for early intervention (and still do!) but his doctor never caught it and I didn't consider it at the time. But like I said earlier, he's fine now. He's shy and awkward, but I can say with confidence he inherited that from his mother. Oh, and he walks on tiptoes a lot TO THIS DAY. Great with fine motor skills, not so much with large motor skills. Chances are, the doctor is playing it safe. That happens more now than it did five years ago and probably for good reason. Noah will be the better for it in the end, I am sure. And really? Considering what he DOES say, I think he's perfectly fine.
He is perfect. And awesome. As are you.
And I'll totally vote for him for President one day.
My son is autistic. It's not the end of the world. He's very smart and has a very dry, advanced for his age, sense of humor. And yes, he was a late talker. When he did speak, everything was "dat". I love him dearly.
And there you go... perfect. Survey a hundred kids and you won't find any two alike. Every one will have different abilities, strengths, weaknesses, etc. Perfect because you'll do what you need to to help him with what he needs. Who could ask for more than that?
He's my main man. He's totally fucking perfect.
Good for you for listening to your gut. My 2 1/2 has a diagnosed speech delay and he's been going to speech therapy class since he was 22 months old. It's the best thing I could've ever done. So many people told me "oh, he'll just start talking in sentences out of the blue one day...you'll see." Nope...not going to happen out of the blue. He has a real delay and if I would have waited to begin therapy he would have been THAT much farther along. By taking the proactive route and having him assessed and into therapy he is definitely improving. He's about 9 months behind where "he should be" but he's finally calling me "Mommy" which is so much better than the "mah" I was getting. And we're getting a lot of single words when before it was just sounds. What I am trying to say is: I've been where you are and it all works out!
Side note: Although the speech therapist recommended therapy my insurance denied it because he was so young. The doctor says a lot of insurances do that, they say "no" until the child is 3 and then they have to be covered by the school district (in California anyway). We paid out of pocket for the therapy for months and then finally was able to get the State involved and covered by their Developmental organization. When he turns 3 we'll probably have to move over to the school district and go through their specialist, but I'll gladly do that if that's what it takes! Hang in there!
If it makes you feel any better, Harry was skating on that very edge of speech delay - he is three months older than Noah and seemed to be not much more advanced than what you describe when he was about Noah's age. I started to worry and began really paying more attention to his language skills. About three weeks ago he literally exploded. Went from single words to three and four word sentences immediately - from being behind to being slightly ahead. Speech delay doesn't usually last forever.
Total anecdata, but my cousin was very speech delayed and always seemed super serious. This back in the days before much autism awareness. They were worried about him alright, and wondered if he'd have learning difficulties later on.
He is now on the Loyola Marymount Varsity Basketball team on a full academic AND sports scholarship. He's still kind of a serious guy, and doesn't talk much, but he's smart as all hell and obviously, a very gifted athlete. That strong silent thing works for him too, because apparently all the girlies are after him.
I think you're doing a great job of being non neurotic. It's impossible not to worry about your children. But yeah, I'll chime in with the chorus: Noah is perfect. I've been lurking since you were pregnant and he's just the sweetest thing there is. Well, except for my 4 month old daughter. :0)
I am glad that Noah is okay. I prayed and prayed for Charlie to speak early and he did. And now at 3 he has the vocabulary of a sailor and isn't afraid to use it. I am sure if we traded for a couple of days (or even hours) you would be fine with a small delay. (Most days I am praying for him to STFUP)
I mean wouldn't you rather Noah calling things ABEAH, than screaming "MOM DON'T KILL ME!!" in the middle of Target while you are shopping for tampons like Charlie does?
I know this probably doesn't make you feel better, but hopefully it makes you laugh. And I know that with the therapy and everything else he will soon be screaming at you in Target inappropriate comments when he doesn't get his way!
Nothing original here, but just a quick note to let you know that I'm rooting for you guys and to say thank you for putting things out there, I cannot tell you how many times you have made me feel like I'm not the only one thinking these crazy motherhood thoughts. And all these nice comments have made me cry, because I just love it when people reach out to comfort each other.
*snurfles into sleeve*
Well at least now you know what you're working with and are developing a plan of action. You are obviously a very capable mother (and woman overall), I have no doubt that you and the SweetPea will get through this just fine together. Chin up!
I know you will get a million comments, but let me just say:
1) Signing with babies is both easy and fun. Noah seems quite smart, and will likely pick it up quickly. (We have flashcards, and BG loves them.)
2) Whoever wrote Don't Panic was right: you'll figure it out!
3) With some good EI educators, you'll soon have a lot of steps you can take to help him achieve better, and that will be a big relief!
Best of lucks!
First time visiting your blog. Your son is beautiful and I enjoyed reading this entry even if the circumstances aren't ideal - you're handling it the way I think most mothers would. You're right, he's OK. (And "nana" TOTALLY counts for banana.)
Hi Amy!
I am a pediatric speech pathologist. I have worked with children birth to three (early intervention) for four years. Most of the kids on my caseload are just late talkers. The majority catch up by the time they turn 3.
Everyone worries about autism (including me with my own little ones!)
The biggest red flags for autism are when children don't understand language--do they identify pictures in books, body parts etc--do they follow 1-step directions.
If they consistently follow directions, identify body parts, and are social they are usually just late talkers.
It sounds like Noah has a good pediatrician. Many wait to refer until children are significantly delayed.
Hopefully the speech therapist that evaluates Noah will calm your fears.
I read your blog every day. You crack me up!
As a speech delayed (and major sensory sensitive) person who grew up in the 80's before it was normal to take your kids to be evaluated because they are slow, I commend you for getting him in so early. I had to wait until 5th grade to learn to speak like a human (vs a warbling record) and those were hard years.
For what it is worth, I now work in theatre and talk way too much (with only the occasional "Huh?" from others, mostly because I also talk too fast.) He WILL be fine - more than fine. He will be Noah, which is damn near perfect.
I'm a speech therapist and I used to work in a practice that specializes in children under 3. I do agree that Noah's a little behind (typically, by age two we like to see 50 words, plus a few simple sentences). HOWEVER (and it's a big however) I've seen and worked with many, many, MANY kids who were similar to Noah and went on to be just fine, even just great. There's often a huge expolsion in language from 2-3.
HOWEVER (another big however) I really believe that it's never too early to get professional advice and assistance. If your pedi hasn't already referred you, my suggestion would be that you take Noah to be assessed by a Speech-Language Pathologist. You'll learn a lot - and could get more specific, concrete advice than a pedi could give you. Pedi's are great, but I have found they often lack the expertise that SLPs have.
You're a great mom and have a great kid. Good luck!
Thank you for sharing all of this with us. We're cheering for you and Noah, all across the country. And did I mention that we love you? And Noah? We do.
Now please, if you could, go smooch him and throw him aball for us.
Forget about bears! That kid is so adorable that *I* may have to eat him. Hope you can keep yourself from worrying too much about your perfect little sweetie.
I just want to give you a hug...Noah is going to be fine. The fact of the matter is that because you followed through and listened to your gut and did what loving Moms do, parent their children, you rock! Whatever lies ahead Noah is one lucky little boy to have you both as parents. God gave YOU Noah for a reason, you have everything you need to care for him. I have 2 boys and am so thankful I was given the gift of watching them grow up. They both have a little quirk here and there, one more than the other and the best thing I have learned is to listen to my heart while staying educated about "stuff"...the best to you.
You are right. He is perfect and fine. Perfectly fine.
He is perfect and wonderful. I have a son that has developmental delays (speech being one of them) and I am sure that you know Heather Armstrong (dooce) who had problems with getting Leta to walk and now she runs circles around the couch and my kid won't shut up. LOL. He will be fine. Early Intervention helps so very much. In one year my son has blossomed so much. Big hugs to you and Noah and Jason. He will be fine. He has great parents who will make sure of it.
Even though, this is echoed throughout, as a WAY neurotic Mama myself, I thought I'd share anyway!
I have a newphew who's situation was very similar to Noah's. My SIL, even taught him sign language for some basic words.(Thank you, thirsty, hungry, please, etc.) He communicated, he just didn't use words or very many. He is now a happy, healthy, extremely smart, funny, witty and charming nine year old. He is an amazing reader with a great vocabulary! I'd tell you not to worry, but I know you will, all good Mamas do!
Motherhood is just chock freaking full of doubt and second guessing, isn't it.
*sigh*
I feel your pain. With two boys, one eight and one 7 months old, I'm a neurotic mess most of the time.
Wine. Wine good. Make it all better.
I'm writing from the fuzzy land of sensory integration disorder and speech delay. I had an ababy who at 2.8 still sometimes says aball, but mostly now he just speaks, but it was a long, neurotic, drooly road to get there. (no gymboree for us though)
Enough about me... Be strong and just keep doing what you are doing, loving Noah with all your heart) He's going to love speech therapy (if that's where you end up) and I bet a year from now he'll be saying alove you mama.
I never comment, but just wanted to say that my brother was the same...and NOW HE NEVER SHUTS UP.
You'll all be fine :)
he is fine. he is okay. he is perfect.
i can say that because he's got you--you so clearly love him and are 110% in his corner. Hell, you put on a belt. Biatches* better get out of your way.
Dude. You are fine.
My kiddo has delays out the wazooie (possibly not a word) and a good sized stack of medical gobbledygook and we're okay. And therapy? Rocks our faces off. I mean, it has totally changed her life for the better. I could not be more enthusiastic about what it can do. Because wow. She can walk and talk now!
Oh, and TiVo Signing Time. It comes on PBS on Sundays.
Hi Amy,
Long time reader, first time posting a comment. Your last two posts have brought tears to my eyes because I can empathize with what you are going through. The fact that you are on top of the speech delay so early in Noah's life is going to help him tremendously. As others have commented, he WILL improve and he WILL catch up! I know it is hard to have faith in this right now, but it WILL happen! Hang in there!
i loves yous. both of yous. that is all.
At least now you have some resolution so you don't have to keep wondering. Your love for Noah is inspiring.
You're devoted, and this can be worked through. No worries. :)
he is preshus. and you are preshus. it's a hard blow to take when you perceive that your baby might be struggling. it nearly breaks my heart to know that you are struggling, too. you know he's ok, you'll be ok, we just want to tell you that.
(hugs) ...vanna...
"...and therefore irresistible to bears." CLAS-SIC. :]
(((((((((((((((Amalah & Co.)))))))))))))))
He *is* perfect and he *is* fine. Kids learn at their own rate. My daughter is 8 in a month and she was speech delayed. She still has to attend speech therapy classes, but you know? There are a lot worse things that could happen. She's sweet and loving and I couldn't ask for a more helpful big sister. If she has trouble making a few sounds, I hardly think it's the end of the world.
I walked on my toes from when I started to walk until elementary school (and still occasionally lapse into it at 23) and I am just fine, as far as I know. (aside from some merciless teasing and possibly some Achilles' tendon issues. it was a damn hard habit to break.) if the toe-walking and speech delay to turn out to be symptomatic of something larger, you will have caught it early. But there is a good chance it will all turn out to be the whole Kids Are Different thing. Don't panic!
My husband had a speech delay when he was a toddler and it seems our son is following is "a chip right off the old block", so to say...
NOW, my husband cannot answers "yes or no" questions in paragraph form. It's tedious, yes, but I can tell you first hand that Noah will be just fine.
You are a good mommy and doing a great job.
So, so, so many parents wait until their kids are school-age to address delays, and as a special education (preschool) teacher I'm so glad that you're sharing your story so that more kids will get early intervention services.
I dug through my bookmarkes folder to find you this website: http://commtechlab.msu.edu/sites/aslweb/browser.htm (also linked in my name, although I am in no way affiliated with them). It's an ASL browser by Michigan State University that shows video clips of a woman signing along with a short written definition. It's not without flaws, but has a fairly big vocab list (namely both "ball" and "beer").
Alot of Noah's behavior sounds completely normal to me, but then again, I am not a doctor, I just play one on the internet. He's only 22 months old, for cryin in the mud! I can't believe he could be diagnosed with a delay at this stage! I am not saying the diagnosis isn't accurate, but geez. My daughter is just now 2, smart as a whip, and still only says about 10 words that are discernable by anyone other than family. And tantrums? Aren't toddlers supposed to be all tantrummy? My daughter could give JLo a lesson in diva-ness and throwing fits. And tiptoes? Wha--? Isn't that what they do when they learn this cool new way to walk?
If I were in your area, I would go buy you a Raspberry Frappuccino and give you a big hug. Then I would watch The Perfectness That Is Noah while you drank it and read your People magazine. Then we would compare notes on our toddlers and laugh as they tried to dig their boogers out with crayons.
Whatever ends up happening, you have a whole Internets behind you. Kind of like the Verizon commercial where the network follows the guy everywhere? That's us.
Hugs to you both.
Signing isn't that bad. You'll probably actually have fun with it. There's a great book that we have called "Baby Signs" and you don't even really need to read it. You can just go to the back and check out words and their signs in the glossary and go for it.
I hope your hives are gone. Doctors and kid stress gives me hives too.
Max walks on his toes. And he has amazing motor skills and attention span. And this freakish memory, made more freakish because I've usually forgotten whatever it is I hid away weeks before. He lost a lot of words between his first and second year.
At our evaluation just after he turned 2, his language tested into the 6 to 9 month range. Gulp.
We've been in early intervention therapy for about 5 or 6 weeks now, and the change is amazing. He learns some signs, but except for the first few he learned, he replaces them quickly with the word itself. It's so much better. I'm more relaxed because I can figure out what he wants now. He's less prone to tantrums because he can communicate his needs/wants.
And I felt the same way initially. Relieved in one sense because I was right when I said there was a problem, wanting to insist that he would get there on his own on the other hand. Then several of my family members blamed me for Max's delay and then I just wanted to drink.
I'm too lazy to read all the comments but you totally should because then you'll get to this one and I'm *special*. Or whatever.
All I wanted to say is that my speech-delayed child started trying to use real words a few weeks after I started signing with him. All we ever signed was "Please" and "thank you" but it seemed to unlock something.
and also - a developmentally delayed child doesn't make you a bad mother. Honest.
Well, one of the qualifiers for Asperger's syndrome is generally that there is NO speech delay. So hey, you've got that going for you.
Then again, that could be no consolation at all, since I have Asperger's (and am a fully functioning mostly normal if incredibly awkward adult!) so I have no idea if that's comforting or not. Maybe that sucks.
But truly. Having spent a good deal of my time around adults & some children on the spectrum over the years, and having briefly met one Mr. Noah, who is absolutely engaged and charming as can be, of course you've got not a thing to worry about. Not that that will stop you. But you know.
Ok, that's all.
He is a beautiful smart little boy with 2 smart, capable parents.
You will all be ok. Hugs.
He's going to be just fine, whatever the outcome. There are lots of kidlets that have speech therapy before they get to school, and it's not a big deal. (Well, it is, but it's solveable.)
He's a gorgeous kid, with a loving family, and he's going to be just fine. And so are you :)
He is SO young. And so many doctors are getting the itchies about "diagnosing" sensory stuff, speech stuff, spectrum stuff, and all that other "stuff" that equates to worry and overprotection rather than what the kid actually needs.
Some of the early-intervention therapy is good, quick, and nonchalant. (My bro had a minor speech delay that was cleared up within a month.)
And then there is the OH MY GOD YOUR CHILD IS DOOMED.
Do the former, not the latter.
And seriously - I could talk about this all day. (Hey, I do... that's why I have a blog about the Spectrum...) Please feel free to ask me any questions.
If I was a bear, I'd totally eat him. He's so cute.
Good luck with everything.
Huh. Because if Noah is delayed, so is my Charlie. Now I'm kind of dreadig my 2-year check up.
His oldest sister, though, didn't talk much until after 24 months. So I haven't been worried...
We'll see.
I'm totally convinced, though, that Noah is fine. Because Charlie is fine. :)
When I took Conner for his 18 month checkup, his spoken vocabulary was pretty scarce, too. I could list off maybe 4-8 words he could say, clearly. However, his understood vocab was great, like Noah's. Go get your shoes. Take this to Daddy. Give me a hug. And so on. Our Doc is GREAT, she has two boys, and said that, usually, they'll hit a "vocabulary explosion" sometime between now and two and a half; but if I'm really worried, we can look into something in a few months.
Well, at about 22 months, it's seems that Conner hit that explosion. He's saying new words every day, words that we're saying. (We've really started watching our mouths!) Sure, some of the words are still a little garbled; he has trouble with the "K" sound at the end of "milk" and the "th" sound for words like "bath."
But I'm glad that you're doing what YOU think is best for Noah, and he IS a lovely and wonderful boy. Conner waves at him when we watch some of your videos of him.
Amy-
Thank you so much for writing about this. I have been going through the same thing and it can feel really lonley. I too had many friends and family dismiss my concerns regarding my sons speech. Trust your instincts! You did the right thing but getting it all checked out. My son is three now and has been recieving speech thearpy for the past year. My son does have sensory integration issues but has not been diagnosed with autism. Again, I just appreciate your honesty in writing about this. Please keep us posted on Noah's progress. He is without a doubt one of the most darling children I have ever seen. Emily