Lady of the Flies
July 18, 2007
Jason has advised me to change the subject, by the way. After I got a little blubbery for what was probably the 20th time over the weekend about all the emails and comments and that rare sense of being understood (you get me, you really get me!), he gently reminded me that the Internet will turn on you faster than a...um...fast, spinning-type thing...once the Get Over It Mafia decides that it is time to get over it, and the fact that you are not getting over it suggests a calculated decision to exploit your child in exchange for delicious, life-affirming triple-digit-comment numbers.
What can I say? I have been blogging too long, and also have a very rich fantasy life. And I enjoy dipping it into some velvety paranoia once in awhile.
(Also: Using delicious, rich, dipping and velvety in the span of two sentences suggests that I am hungry, and should go make some pudding. There. You now know everything there is to decoding my psyche.)
So I sat down and tried to think of something else to talk about, and all I can come up with are the flies.
You see, we have flies. And...
Yeah. Flies.
The hardwood install required a lot of open windows and propped doors, so we noticed a bit of an insect problem in the immediate days afterwards. Mosquitoes and gnats and such. Possibly one bee that was the biggest fucking bee I have ever seen, and I thought maybe we had their queen (Protect the queen! Which one's the queen? I'm the queen! No you're not, etc.) and could make some demands, but Jason thinks it was some kind of burrowing bee and those are like, the worst kind of bee ever, even worse than the Africanized ones, because they BURROW and probably have OPPOSABLE THUMBS and this whole suburban jungle thing makes me miss the city terribly, and people, we had COCKROACHES and CONFUSED FLOUR BEETLES in the city, but there's something about big-ass burrowing bees that suggests that I am about to be outsmarted.
Also we saw a snake once, and a fox. We live next to a highway off-ramp. I bet if we moved a couple blocks inward we'd have a pet giraffe by now.
Anyway. We also noticed a couple run-of-the-mill houseflies got in. And we swatted at them and trapped them in between the storm windows and the screens and waited for them to die. But they did not die, but instead got it on and had babies, who are currently making sweet love to the inside-the-house-omg-side of my kitchen windows.
Several times a day I brace myself and go in there, rolled-up US Weekly in hand, and whack the shit out of them with the Bikini-Ready Bodies spread. A few things I've learned:
1) Just because a fly drops to the ground does not mean it is remotely dead. It is merely stunned -- 'tis a flesh wound! -- and when you return with a tissue to clean up the carnage it will be gone, and it will heal and learn and assimilate and you will find it later doing the backstroke in your Pinot Noir.
a) As such, you must whack the fly until it squishes.
b) Have some Pinot Noir first.
2) A single US Weekly is sturdy enough to withstand about a dozen whacks before the staples give out and your floor will be littered with Fashion Police photos of Mischa Barton, who is actually kind of improved upon when covered in bug guts.
a) As such, use Vogue. You can't afford any of that shit anyway.
3) In the end, it's pointless and futile, because the flies are here, and they are in charge, and we are all probably going to die of...whatever diseases houseflies carry. Black death? Mad Cow?
I tried Googling for (oh jesus a fly just flew right over my head, the ones from the kitchen probably sent him on a scouting mission) better housefly-killing tactics, and most of what I found involved polite recommendations to take out your trash occasionally. You know, stop living in filth. I do so love the head scarves, Edie, they're quite revolutionary, but perhaps it's time to move the rancid piles of rotted vegetables outside?
So that's it. That's my non-speech-delay-related story for you. We have flies, and they are gross, and by extension we are gross gross grossy people who live here covered in gross. We're getting our windows replaced in a couple weeks, which I'm hoping will help things (that is, if the killer burrowing bees don't get inside during the install process and take up residence under the floorboards, Hogan's Heroes style). In the meantime, if anybody has a recommendation for an effective trap or flypaper or possibly some kind of nuclear bomb (that's safe to use around children and pets, naturally), I'd certainly love to hear about it.
(Tomorrow I shall perhaps change the subject back to speech delays, but I bet y'all are fucking grateful to hear that now, aren't you? Am genius. Am goddamn blogging genius.)
Did you ever see that film called 'The Fly'? Scared me shitless. Any pics? I'm grossly fascinated.
My god...delurking AND first to post? I may wet myself.
Oh and by the way? I used to leave a piece of toast with honey on it and catch flies that way. But don't leave it on the floor, cos then you'll have an ant problem too.
Flies! Great fun all around. I'd rather hear about Noah, though--even if it's about his speech delay.
Are you guys calling Terminex yet?
I vacuum mine. I put the long extension tube and suck 'em up. Sometimes you have to whack them first (with a dishtowel of course), then suck them up.
For flies, spray them with Windex. Especially nice since they are hanging out on your window, you can just pretend you are cleaning. It'll make it hard for them to fly, and they are easier to whack. Spray them enough and it'll kill them right out.
Oh, man. We had the bees recently too. Sounds like you have the same awful carpenter bees that we had. They are evil, wood-busting MF-ers, but are not too hard to kill, thank God.
"Just because a fly drops to the ground does not mean it is remotely dead. It is merely stunned -- 'tis a flesh wound -- and when you return with a tissue to clean up the carnage it will be gone, and it will heal and learn and assimilate and you will find it later doing the backstroke in your Pinot Noir."
jesus god I just spit out my water.
do NOT underestimate those flies. they may appear to be carefree and perhaps ignorant of the world around them. but secretly they are plotting. if after the window change, they are still there? run for your lives. (or call someone who can kill them.)
It sounds like the bees are bore bees--also called carptenter bees. I am in VA and they are everywhere. They are nice bees, for bees, and generally mind their own business but can leave holes that look like cigar burns. Or maybe that was me.
Have you ever seen the fly swatter/zapper that is shaped like a tennis racquet?
What is it with the flies this year? We've got them like crazy in VA too. Horrid, kamikaze ones that even the cat won't attack. The best remedy I've come across?
A three pack of old fashioned, wire handled fly swatters from Dollar Tree.
One for you, one for hubby and a clean one for Noah so he can get in touch with his kill-insect instinct.
Oh and taking out the trash more than once a month helps tremendously... not that I know anything bout that.
We had a HUGE fly infestation in our backyard, the lovely backyard that we just acquired for rent here in Cali. We bought this little Fly Killer Bucket thingy at the grocery store, it has some type of....stuff...inside that attracks and kills bees. It works wonders, has trapped an entire fly colony it appears, but I'm not sure about the kids / pets thing. We've hung ours outside (since that's where the problem lies) but I'm sure you could put it on top of your fridge or something. Highly attractive, I know...
I didn't want you to change the subject. Even if you had changed it to something less gross and inane ;)A-wanna hear about Noah's speech progess, please!
delurking to say that here in texas, we have the plague of the flies going on to.
Per "AGH" - you actually don't need to quite whack them with the dishtowel. You need to snap the dishtowel in the air by the fly as if the fly were a man's ass in the gym. The noise of the snapping towel will be a sonic boom in fly decibels, and it will drop to the floor, stunned. Pick it up with a paper towel, consider a just death, and then flush it, squish it, microwave it, whatever.
Oh God, the first summer we lived here, we had a TON of flies. I would spend hours wandering around whacking at them (and let's face it, I have bad aim so I missed most of the time) and the only way for me to tell if they were really dead was to flush them down the toilet. My husband likes to get the fly swatter and go all ninja on them.
OMG! I had the same problem in my apartment last year! I had them in there for weeks! They would greet me at the windows (staring at me stuck to the window) everytime I came home from work. I don't like pesticides either, so each morning and evening I would go fly hunting, even invited my sister over! I ended up having to seal around all of my doors and shut my windows and make sure they could not crawl in....somehow once the first few got in, they would run in and out and show the rest how to get in....and then they bred. One night, the night of my meltdown about a week and a half into it...I had fly guts and blood smeared all over my cabinets. eh. Had to COMPLETELY bleach and clean everything everyday. But once I sealed it up (made sure all cracks were sealed, weather stripping in place), they were gone....just like that! I got really good at killing them mid-fly though--I'm a pro flyswatter. That should be a sport!
Chicago backyards are also drowning in flies these days. Since the burbs just got rid of their cicadas and I managed to not see one the entire time, I'm not complaining loudly, just buying that hanging water/fly trap thing someone mentioned above.
You know you've made it when you can post about flies and people are lining up to post their own stories about flies on your comments page. Not that there's anything wrong with discussions on flies and other insects, because there isn't. I'm just sayin'...
At one point, we had a horrible fly problem in my college apartment. We employed a few tactics:
1) Do not live in filth. It sounds like you have this one down, but at the time we did not. We promptly changed that situation though, so as not to be carried off by the flies in our sleep.
2) I actually combined two of the suggestions above and would walk around with some Windex AND the Vaccuum. Spray 'em and suck 'em, that was my motto.
3) I know they're hideous, but those sticky fly paper things that you hang from the ceiling? They actually work. You probably won't want to invite anyone over while you have them up... and you DEFINITELY want to watch where you walk, lest your hair get caught in a sticky fly carcas covered web... but they work.
Good luck!
Someone told me that with fruit flies, a jar with a little cider vinegar in it and saran wrap with little slits cut through it over the top works well. Will this trap bigger flies? I don't know, but it is worth a try.
Buy this electric fly swatter- it kicks ass and you generally destroy the fly instead of having to pick it up after you kill it.
You might feel like a sadist, but flies are annoying and deserve to die. (Yes, PETA will be on my butt shortly)
http://www.electricflyswatter.net/
Just a flesh wound! Good luck rousting the buggers!
When I was little and we would visit my grandparents, my grandfather would pay all the kids for each fly they killed. We got really into it and kind of competitive, so maybe not your best solution if you care about your furniture.
Whatcho' gotta do is get yourself some of those No Pest strips. You can hang them high enough to be out of reach of little hands (of course, you'll walk into them but it beats being dive bombed by insects) (involuntary shudder).
While pet sitting for my sister, her house was set upon by A Swarm of Biblical Proportions and those strips cleared it up lickety split.
Amy, you are hysterical!
I second the electric flyswatter thingie. It's like a tennis racket and make satisfying pops, crackles and sparks when you get one of the buggers. Doesn't work great on fast-moving flies, but it's more fun than the tea towel.
We've had a bit of a fly problem around here this summer. So far I've found success with the swat and vacuum method, although after a day of practice I can usually get at least a few with just the vacuum. It is so rewarding.
My BEAGLE eats flies! I am not kidding. She catches any that dare enter our house. It is amazing. So rent yourself one of them or something.
If only she could catch carpenter bees. (If that's what you have, they NEVER go away in my experience). At least not in the 5 years we've had them, and we have an exterminator that comes regularly. Because we have gross gross ants and are dirty dirty people too.
WAMU had a bug expert on the Kojo Namdi show this afternoon... maybe you can download the podcast and get some tips. And also get to hear Kojo talk jovially about bugs. Score!
"...we are gross gross grossy people who live here covered in gross."
HA!
Alas, I have no helpful fly-killing solutions but can commiserate with an annoying bug problem of my own: little gnat-like things that ONLY show up after dark on a particular patch of wall in my master bath. That is all kinds of Amityville Horror WEIRD. Ick.
When you said "that's safe to use around children and pets, naturally," it reminded me that - hey! You have a cat! And a dog! That we haven't heard about or seen pictures of in a while! How about a Max and Ceiba update? :)
A wine bottle with a tiny bit of wine left in the bottom and sugar sprinkled on the opening and then down inside. They go down to do the backstroke (as you noticed), but for whatever reason can't fly back out.
I use this to trap both house and fruit flies. It's a nice, incognito way to trap them since all my friends are used to seeing wine bottles around my place anyway.
I recommend replacing the bottle every couple of days until they've all died horrible drowning deaths.
You're not kidding when it comes to the Get Over It Mafia. Well-played diversion.
I'm thinking of you all! xoxo
Ummm...flyspray? It won't kill you, you know.
Amalah! I was just reading the Sky Mall Magazine during a flight (you know, the inserted in the seat pocket, right next to the barf bag) and my fiance and I were hysterically laughing about a "bug vacuum." Which is exactly what it sounds like. I was a few glasses of wine in (fear of flying, you understand) and I almost ordered one then and there.
Except I didn't. But I think that maybe you should.
Ummm...Amy?
fly babies=maggots
Not sure if you already thought of that. Kinda amps up the ick factor, huh. Gawd I hate flies.
Hi. We had a bit of an ant problem. Little sugar ants... and spraying them with Fantastik worked. So perhaps if they're trapped in the screen, and you can spray them from the outside.... Although now that I think about it, Windex is probably better for the window. So, ah, what they said. *points up*
On a totally unrelated side note, I had a dream that you and Zoot both had your own sitcoms. Yours was at 9, hers at 9:30. Your sitcom was about you working as an editor at a fashion magazine. You had a fabulous office.
And when I woke up, I realized it was absolutely time to get off the internet and get a life.
But I'd totally Tivo it if you had your own show.
(Really... I'm not creepy. Promise.)
We have a "little house" in the woods. Built by a friend at my parents' house. Anyway. It gets FILLED with flies. Everywhere. One time when I was younger, my mom charged me with ridding of the flies. I was babysitting, so gave the two school-aged boys flyswatters and shut the door. They came out FIVE minutes later, looking pleased with themselves as if they'd just been to an amusement park or something. I went in, and EVERY DAMN FLY was dead.
My advice? Hire a couple of school-aged boys with cheap-ass flyswatters to come in a take care of the problem. They'll think it is fun and you're problem will be gone (with a bit of luck, that is).
What exactly are you paying that cat to do? Lay around and beautify your home?
Put his fat hairy keister to work.
Point to fly. Say to cat, "Go get." Cat goes and gets.
At least that's what two of my three cats do. The third cat is holding out for management.
Yeah, if you spray them with almost anything mid-flight (bug spray, windex, hair spray) you'll stun 'em enough to swat then dispose. I would suggest that you carry an ample supply of tissues on your person to avoid their disappearance.
Our problem this summer seems to be beetles in the house. I really have to whack the crap out of them, since they are about four times the size of a fly with a hard shell (but tasty, creamy fillings), before scooping up with a tissue to flush.
k, well, flies suck. Also on the sucky meter are mosquitoes and the masses of spiders that like to congregate where mosquitoes live. Also people who tell you to "get over it" regarding your own child. I still watch our middle child flip in slow motion from the time she bonked her head and had to get staples, and she was over that shit in 1/2 a second b/c I gave her a spoonful of powdered sugar. (We had no sweet treats in the house and I was scared, okay?) Anyway, you rock and should talk about whatever you want, cause we want to read about it.
I'm assuming you have a dyson or other similar bagless vac so the vac thing is just as gross as the smash.
Go to the HomeImprovement SuperCenter - get a jug of ortho home defense - spray liberally after putting Noah in a safe place (I'd spray from the outside in). laugh your ever lovin' you know what off as they die - then suck 'em up and laugh more.
I've heard good things about this fly product (and we grow them big in TX!):
http://www.aqua-pool-warehouse.com/garden_patio/fly-catcher/fly-cacher.asp
Fly swatters might work better than Vogue. Flies are fast. Vogue is slow.
The flies are horrible here in Texas. If we so much as crack a door, you can bet that at least 2 or 3 will fly on in. My husband saw something at Home Depot that attracts them and they fly in and die a slow, painful death (wishful thinking), but of course they were sold out! We hung some of those tacky fly strips on the back porch and in the garage yesterday, and I only saw one "kill" this morning. We can't beat the little bastards.
I live in the country. I know this because I too am dealing with flies but am also dealing with a mole (or two....fuckers...terrorizing my flower bed and new plants and fresh mulch). Oh, and I ran over an armadillo the other night on my way home. It was the grossest thing ever.
You think your flies are gross? No. This is gross:
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/07/18/BAG9JR2C201.DTL
I'm sure Noah isn't hiding under a tent in his room to escape your flies. And your new floors probably aren't covered in horse poop.
In my land, we also have spiders. The spiders like to live under the baseboards. So, if you whack the fly to the ground, generally a hungry spider will get them before the fly snaps out of it. My husband discovered this and promptly yelled across the house "Hurry, it's the circle of life in our own kitchen! Cool!"
Okay, I'm in the bad habit of of not visiting over here often enough. But I just read the last several posts, and I am a visitor from six years into your future. The weather's fine. There will be struggles, but they won't be nearly as bad as you imagine they will be. Noah is going to be handsome, delightful, and perfectly fine.
Seriously. I've been there, the speech evaluations, the significant glances and judicious nods from evaluators. My kid rocks, and yours does too. I promise.
We have flies to. Scratch that- HAD flies. Here are my secrets:
1) Get out the hose attachment to you vaccum. Suck them and their baby eggs out of the windows.
2) Go to a farm supply store and get this tiny little square of yellow brick looks like plastic stuff. Farmers use one little one for a who barn AND it's same to use around animals, babies, and FOOD. Caterers use it in pantries and the like. Hang it on a ceiling fan in a central room.
You'll never have another fly again.
Well, at least until the yellow thing dries up in two years.
You should consider maybe getting one of these?
http://www.leevalley.com/images/item/gardening/ab715s2.jpg