So You've Gone and Dropped Your iPhone in the Toilet: Some Handy Steps & Pointers
Ask Me No Questions, I'll Tell You No Lies

Diseased

With all the hubbub surrounding the iPhone Tragedy of 2007* I completely forgot that I totally meant to bitch about my glands. MY GLANDS, Y'ALL. THEY ARE SWOLLEN.

Towards the end of Noah's speech session, his therapist coughed a weak, dainty little cough. She immediately apologized and said she was just getting over a cold. I immediately waved my hand, oh pish, we have nothing to fear from your cold. (This was, of course, before the iPhone Tragedy of 2007 and thus my entire outlook on life was generally much sunnier and devil-may-care.)

Less than 24 hours later I was hacking up my lungs and wishing for death every time I swallowed for FIE. FIRE. IT BURNS. (Seriously, I never realized how often I swallow. Do you swallow a lot, do you think? Because this seems excessive. I haven't gotten a decent nights' sleep since Monday because I apparently swallow in my sleep and it wakes me up because it hurrrrrrrts me, wah.)

Today I feel like my eardrum may explode at any moment. This is insanely awesome.

(Don't you love reading entire blog posts dedicated to the careful documentation of cold symptoms? Personally I find them fascinating, although they never contain enough mucus talk for my tastes.)

AMY'S TO-DO LIST:

1) Buy more xylitol gum.

2) Get adenoids removed.

3) Find out what adenoids are.

4) Re-order to-do list.

Anyway. Y'all know what a special fresh hell it is, being sick while caring for a toddler, so I'll spare you a big long retread of that. Instead, one last little story before I go crawl back under my blanket of pestilence.

Amy: Noah, Mama is sick today. You need to play by yourself for a little bit.

Noah: <blank stare>

Amy: Sick. Not happy. She feels...boo hoo. Yes. Mama is very boo hoo today.

Noah: <comes up verrrry close to my face before busting out one of his gigantically goofy show Mama happy! smiles and waits for me to crack up>

Amy:
Okay, okay. That's funny. Um. How about hurt? <makes sign for hurt> A boo boo? Mama has a boo boo today.

Noah: <starts examining my face and arms very carefully>

Amy: It's not really a boo boo you can see, baby. It's more like...

Noah: <finds a bruise on my elbow and kisses it, then finds an old burn on my hand and kisses that>

Amy:
Okay you know what? I feel much better now, thank you.

*No, it still doesn't work. A trip to the Genius Bar is next, once I am no longer a raging ball of misery and mucus. I am thrilled by the combination of a new lower iPhone price AND the $100 in damage control courtesy of Mr. Jobs, although Jason is now all wide-eyed and panting at the idea of just paying to fix mine and then getting an iPhone of his very very own mmmmmmprecious. Then, of course, the next time I go to Target he will freak out over a $12 tank top purchase because don't I have ENOUGH tank tops? We don't have the money for an infinite tank top collection and honestly, I better go back to work if I want to buy tank tops all willy-nilly like that.**

**God, do think I'm a little BITTER because Jason didn't come home early to give my sick ass a break, or something?  Jesus. No wonder nobody brings me any damn soup.

Comments

Rachel

So what if Noah can't talk; his beside manner sounds EXCELLENT.

Wacky Mommy

My glands are swollen, too. Fever? I think we have West Nile. Except the congestion doesn't fit with the description on the CDC site.

Hmmm.

Hockey God always bitches about the tank tops, too. Doesn't bitch about panties, though.

Melody

sending whisky right over. that shit kills all da germs!

HollowSquirrel

ugh I should go wash my hands. I agree with Melody-- take a hit of whisky, that and should help. Also: husband needs to report home STAT! Feel better!

Katie

Okay, Noah finding and kissing your boo boo's?? So freaking precious!

bananie

what an adorable healer you have in that boy wonder. wow.

to help you feel better, i hereby present a kitten and a puppy.

Audra

I am right there with you, I was awake at the crack of dawn, couldn't sleep figured I would go to Walmart, buy drugs, come home, sleep for an hour before hubby went to work and all would be good with the world, however my nose had other ideas and now I am just cranky.

ladybug

Sorry you're not feeling well.

What a great bedside manner Noah has! How sweet!

Molly

Oh holy god that child melts my heart.

MamaKaren

Ugh, I was home sick yesterday with the firey throat and the achy joints. I feel your pain. I also feel your pain about the spousal freak outs- even though I do bring home a paycheck, somehow my purchases using the joint account (yarn to make handcrafted baby gifts, new black shoes to replace the ones with a hole in the sole) are frivolous while his (golf, sheet music, golf, going out to happy hour, golf) are not.

Starbuck

Finding boo-boos and kissing them is so sweet.

Also, I swear I only swallow when I have a severely sore throat and then I do it constantly.

Ree

Nyquil. Shot of Jack Daniels. You won't wake up after each swallow.

Milkshake for breakfast.

---After Jason gets home of course.

thora

Will you please make sure you don't have strep throat?

Thank you.

thora

Will you please make sure you don't have strep throat?

Thank you.

anna

I'm sure you've heard it before (since it's what my doctor and my mother both tell me every time I feel awful and they run the test and it's never strep but it's just as bad), but have you tried gargling with hot salty water? It will make your throat feel much better, even if it is pretty disgusting to do.

Noah is the best toddler-doctor ever. He totally pwns that one kid in the comic strip.

tiffany

do you feel like your throat is making your neck bigger than your head? i had that last month--get thee to a doctor, woman! he/she will give you the antibiotics, and if he/she is as lovely as my doctor, he/she will give you a precious few pills to help ease the pain before the antibiotics kick in.

i'm sorry, but i feel as though assvice is allowed when there is a possibility of narcotics involved.

Maureen

Hold the phone (ha! I kill me! with my witty puns!), are you saying that Jason bought YOU an iPhone whilst he himself kept slumming it with whatever crappy non-i-Phone he already had? I guess I was just assuming you both got one. What a guy!

Also, since I'm already commenting, I second or possibly third the gargling with hot salt water remedy. It really truly helps. You use hot water because it's soothing and allows you to dissolve more salt, and you want to use as much salt as possible because the salt kills the bacteria that are causing the pain.

Miss

Going through the same thing except mine is my left ear. Please send sweet babies my way to make me feel better!!

Maureen

And FWIW, I just finished setting up an experiment with actual bacteria because I'm a real live scientist, so I should get extra advice points or something.

Li'l Foot's Mommy

Okay well I was gonna come over here and offer some advice on how you should drive plenty of tea with honey and lemon because that always makes me feel better...but then I read the other comment posters and well they were offering whiskey and such and yeah I don't think my tea will do much in comparison. I hope you are feeling better!!!

Li'l Foot's Mommy

Ummmm yeah...drink plenty of tea, not drive...LOL

Tam.

Amy,

There must be some wacky strain of something running up and down the east coast b/c I am down here in Charleston, SC suffering from the same thing! I feel for ya!!! Hope you are all happy mama face soon!!! :)

Caroline

Is it weird that I am skipping over all the sick/cute toddler/iphone stuff and going straight to... How freaking amazing are Target tank tops? I love them. I have 25 at least. Mostly in black. What the crap do I need so many tank tops for? But still, those puppies go on sale and I can't get to that store fast enough. That's all.

Amalah

tiffany - would you believe I am allergic to like, ALL antibiotics? I've had so many reactions to so many different kinds that no doctor in the world will prescribe them for me for anything short of major surgery. The last time I got antibiotics was after my c-section, and I got fancy extra-expensive ones that I'd never even heard of.

I don't even go to the doctor anymore because I'm so tired of them reaching for the prescription pad, looking at my allergy list, yelping in shock and then telling me to go home and drink some tea instead.

Lori

I got your soup right here. Just tell me where to send it.
Minestrone or corn chowder?

Angella

What a SWEETHEART!

I hope he stays healthy! The worst is being sick AND having a sick baby. Hope you get better fast :)

AmyM

Is it a bit weird that when I was reading about how sick you are, I wanted to go wash my hands so I didn't catch IT? Is it possible to catch germs via the internet?

I'm wearing my white Target cami right now.

Helen

I love Target, am excited about my 3 week trip to the US in december and going to seaworld and all that, but to go and shop in target....almost pee myself with the very thought of it.
The salt water thing, just did that my very self and am soothed, go and do it and then drink the whiskey.
Noah is the sweetest boo boo kisser I ever heard of.

Ginny

Yipes! Feel better soon! What a crummy week. Glad Noah can make it all better!

Rebecca

Ooooh, sorry! I probably gave it to you, I am just getting over it...oh wait, there is an internet sneezegaurd between us! HAR HAR!!!

i think i spelled sneezeguard wrong.

Caroline

Gahhhh... my husband is on the couch RIGHT NOW, home sick with the ick, watching Cops and Top Chef and America's Funniest Home Videos, his favorite rotation, and I'm ON DEADLINE OF COURSE, wanting only to be left alone to hack through all this crap, and what do I have to do? MAKE EGG DROP SOUP. LOTS AND LOTS OF EGG DROP SOUP AND KEEP IT COMING, PLEASE.

I would make you some, too, if I could. It's hella easy. Let me know if you want the recipe.

I gave him some nighttime Tylenol and it's only 1:30 in the afternoon here. Do you think I will go to hell?

Tammy

Awwww Noah is so precious. The phone thing... yeah that SUCKS, lol. And being sick... that sucks too. Hang in there you've hit bottom it can only get better now.

jodi

Something is going around. My entire playgroup has it.

drea

I'm with everyone who said there's something going around, because I have it. Between the coughing keeping me up at night, and the random feeling of vertigo, I'm glad it's finally the weekend.

Lynn

Speaking of the iPhone debacle... I just retrieved my phone from the dryer. After it went through the dryer cycle. And the washer. In a velcro'd shut pocket. And here's the interesting part: IT STILL WORKS.

So, in case you're considering a different phone for your next purchase, try a Pantech C300.

Nosaby

I hope you feel better soon. I'd take a runny nose and fever over a sore throat any day. I used to get strep throat all the time and I became a Chloraseptic (spelling?) addict. Eat lots of popsicles: nature's cure.

Wendy

Oh...I'm so sorry your sick! it sucks being sick and having to take care of a toddler. Too cute that Noah was giving you "boo-boo kisses". I hope you get to feeling better soon.

The other day when my car broke down for the 3rd time in a week..and I had Ally with me. I broke down in tears. She took her little toddler hands and put them on my cheeks and said "Awe Mommy...Is Ok? Go bye bye now!". Talk about pathetic..my almost 2 year old giving me a pep talk!

jonniker

Oh dude, I'm so sorry you're sick. An ear infection? Did I read that somewhere? ICK.

Noah rules. RULES.

(Also, I counted tonight. I have 32 Target tank tops, no exaggeration. I COUNTED. And Adam actually admonishes me against them all the time. "We're tight this month, so no tank tops from Target!")

Stacy

Sorry you feel yucky.

That whole throat mess bites. If you're still feeling puny, I recommend a tasty drink made of: 1 or two shots of whiskey, 4-6 tablespoons of lemon juice, honey (enough to make the drink slightly thick). Heat this in the micro, drink it down.

Go immediately to bed.

Works every time.

Elizabeth

I'm sorry you don't feel good! But that Noah, how sweet he is wanting to find and kiss your boo-boos. When I get a really bad sore throat, I go to bed with a Hall's or Sucrets in my mouth so that as I swallow I get that numbing feeling too. And yes, it does seem like when your throat hurts, you swallow MORE. Take care, honey!

suitep

I just had a thought. What ever happened to the tire??

All Adither

Don't you know you're supposed to wipe each other down with anti-bacterial Wet Ones right after each cough or sneeze encounter???

AmyC65

Get thee to the pharmacy and buy ye some Zicam! Zicam, I say! It burns off a cold in about a day and half. Particularly helpful when you first feel those early signs, but the stuff is a miracle. (note: the oral spray? tastes awful, awful, awful. Go for the nose spray or swabs.)

Feel better!

Black Belt Mama

Has Jason been talking to my husband? Seriously, because I think mine is pissed about the $3 hairbands I bought at the grocery store last week, but sees no problem with buying another expensive camera lens.

Men are so weird.

Tam

I hope you feel better soon. BUT! First thing? Get a flashlight and something to use to depress your tongue and check for white spots on your throat. You may have Strep. Take care!

Carole

Amy I totally just got over the same thing you have. And yes, I did think about how it's crazy that I swallow like 50 times in 1 minute. I had to change antibiotics because the first one wasn't working. I actually blogged about it too so if you want the long, boring story, you can look there. I hope you feel better soon:)

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