Ask Me No Questions, I'll Tell You No Lies
Lard Dog Responds

Like Tears of a Clown: The Fat Rolls of a Pursedog

Since her last public appearance on this blog, Ceiba has porked up a little. A tad. A few pounds and ounces. A mere 25% of her body weight. Or so.


Where mah spangly bra and hotpants be at, bitches?

The scientific community is baffled, as her kibble -- her healthy, low-fat, high-protein, crazy-expensive for the preshus-shookie-ookie-kums kibble -- remains largely untouched. And yet there's something about the neck rolls and rotund torso that suggest WAFFLES. LOTS AND LOTS OF WAFFLES.


I can has chili cheez fries?




Eh. Fuckkit. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Max is also overweight, but that's nothing new. He's been overeating to fill a nutsack-shaped void for YEARS now.


I eat kibble while Lard Dog sleep. Is win-win.




Oh my God, that is one gigantic chihuahua. What could have possibly happened in the past few months to cause that?


Whoops, sorry, Miniature Pinscher, not chihuahua. But still!


I luvs ur animal pix. Lookin' forward to Noah's 2 year B-day pix, my girl's 13 days behind him.


OMG! Your kitty looks like my kitty, well except she's a girl.


oh my gosh, i thought you got a new dog i didn't even recognize her!

Maxine Dangerous

Oh noes! Some dog ate Ceiba!


Ha. HAAAA. Oh Ceiba. Good thing bikini season is over. Love her.


Suburban life has been good for ol' Ceiba, hasn't it? Our dog got fat when we got a puppy. Go figure.


Oh my gosh, I can't stop laughing!


Not to worry you MORE or anything, but the same thing happened to my parent's dog, and it was a thyroid condition. That kind of sudden weight gain is not normal.


You're not feeding him Costco brand dog food are you? Because that's what made our beagle shoot from 25 lbs to 40. (And then one day soon after he had a herniated disk in his back. The next day I had a $4000 charge on my credit card.) Still, fat dogs ARE cute.


That doesn't look healthy. I'm very worried.


Before that last picture I was going to ask you if you've seen your cat lately! That is one adorable little (still?) dog. (and the kitty is all cute and smooshy too!)


Oh, calm down, pretties. Ceiba is fine. She was just at the vet and is actually well within the healthy weight range for her breed. She was the runt of the litter and was actually underweight before.

Also, I'm playing paparazzi and purposely taking photos at bad angles...when she stands up she only looks sort-of porky.


Hmmm, has she established a vantage point under Noah's highchair? Just as I suspected.

Oh, and squeeeee on new iPhone. I still have envy!


My daughter said "whose dog is that? Is she pregnant?" LOL!


Well at least she's happy. I mean, waffles! Who wouldn't be?


i am sitting here, laughing outloud. good thing im alone, but that is freakin hysterical.

kim at allconsuming

And I thought I had back fat.


She's precious. PRECIOUS. How much does she weigh? I have a runt min pin too and she is almost EIGHT pounds! Our vet says she needs to lose 1.5lbs. I think she's perfect!


So I guess Ceiba is more of a sack dog rather than a purse dog? Either way, she is adorable, as is Max.


She's not fat. She's big boned.

It's not fair! You have the cutest kid and the cutest dog!


"Nut-sack shaped void". Wow. I never thought about it like that. That answers SO MANY QUESTIONS about my cat. Poor guy just misses his balls.
(I laughed approximately 3.5 times OUT LOUD while reading. Brilliant)


I totally heard Max's voice as the siamese cats from Lady and the Tramp.

Ceiba: the former purse dog turned hobo bag dog.


whoa, that dog is fat as hell.


A friend of mine throws a "NoBalls" party for his cats every year. Also, I think you need a bigger purse.


ceiba: single handedly giving amalah good reasons to buy large coach bags.
good ceiba!

Wacky Mommy

To paraphrase our vet: "Let's try to make her not quite so... round."

Those pets are dang cute. And yeah, it's the waffles, granola bars, french fries and cookies. You already knew that.


You so made me laugh out loud! Thanks for the comic relief.

Max needs to meet our Pippin. He fills his nut-sack shaped void by chasing string and terrorizing the other cat.


I'd make a comment, but my two Gigantic Lard Asses (I mean "cats") are not exactly svelte. In fact, most visitors say something along the lines of "I have never seen a cat that goddamn big." Yes. Those are my babies. And they also ONLY eat Iams Fat-Ass Formula kibble. I am at a loss.


I love your Doggie and Kitty voices! I have voices for my doggie and kittie but I'm afraid it's really the same for both! Too funny. (My dog is a bit pudgy these days...she's getting old.)


OMFG, I love Ceiba-the-hut! LOL! And I totally laughed for like a minute at the Britney reference!
Oh, and glad to see max is still cute as evah!

Julie D.

Ahh, I have two fattys also. Mine are Chi-mixes. I think they all need to go to doggy rehab for their overeating problems. Mine have issues with being fat, dumb, and lazy though...


ROTFL!!!!! Well, just like humans sometimes, even Ceiba looks great with some meat on her bones. LOL

Big Mama

Life with a food dropping toddler obviously agrees with Ceiba.


I shit you not, our siamese was the same size, if not bigger, as your is! HOLY HELL right?! We would get a kick out of weighing him and he would be up in the 20s!! They are the best cats though. LOVE your commentary haha!


ooooh, you're a good papparazzi... papper.. um... you're good at taking bad angle shots!


If your dog were an outside dog I'd suspect your neighbors of feeding her.

Even fat she's cute though.

Jenny H.

Um, I can throw no stones here. My kat is a plus-sized feline. But, she's healthy. And pretty wily.

She is also a floor-goody sorta kat from way back.

God love her.


Ceiba would still fit in my purse. Now you have proof of what Noah does with his unwanted food, no?

May we have photos of the tire and decal Max, please.


Wow, Ceiba really has gained a few. She's still completely adorable though. This could be my inexplicable need to get a puppy (inexplicable because I am more of a cat person), like, right this instant, even though my husband says no. Such a spoilsport, no?


There was supposed to be a "speaking" up there after "puppy". I need some sleep.


Ceiba and our pug, Apollo, should get together and discuss how wonderful it is having a toddler around. not becuase they love he dogs or anything, but for ALL THOSE WAFFLES!!! and mini ravioli. lets us not forget about those sweet, sweet mini raviloi.


I guess it's up to us to organize a benefit for your pets...I'm thinking telethon-- with the Hoff as our main performer. Thoughts?


our dog got fat after we had kids too. for us it was lack of taking him out of the house. dog became a recluse by force. once a baby enters the realm it's every man for himself. get your leash on, dog, i said, and walk your own damned self. i ain't got time.


Ceiba is quite the porker, isn't she? It probably is because of the kid. They drop food like craaaazy. She probably thinks she's in doggie heaven.
If your vet says she's fine, then don't worry. But do continue to take the paparazzi-esque fat-finding photos. They are mighty amusing.


Wow, she is um, bigger. You been taking her in your purse to a buffet maybe? Hey who am I to judge my poor cat weighs more then my 21 month old son.


I lurve Max!

And whoa! I take it Ceiba hasn't been to the Dog Park lately.


I was going to comment prior..when I saw the 8-30 pic. But then I wasn't sure if Ceiba read your blog and I didn't want to hurt her feelers. But um....yep..she has filled out....a tad. Maybe a few tads.


awww, she's still adorable! my boss has a choc. lab that kept gaining weight and they couldn't figure out why even on a strict diet... turns out he was chowing down on the cat's food. doh!


Thyroid problem? Or toddler problem (ie, dog places herself strategically beneath high chair)? Love the dog bed!


It's just more to love, gosh way to give a dog a complex. watch out Dogerexia is big these days!


I miss my min pin...she looked just like Ceiba. Her name was Miss Cheivous Merlot. I think she's just simply adorable.


nothing brilliant to add here, just: that post cracked me the fuck up. and since I had to wake up super early after a 12-hour day yesterday and a morning commute in a town where people freak out at one rain drop, the laughter was much needed/appreciated.

i kind of want a pet now. also, i think you should start calling noah "small one."

Amy M

My happy lab gained 10 pounds with the introduction of toddler droppings & serious reduction in Mommy's jogging schedule. He doesn't seem to upset about it, though. Neither does Ceiba.


My dogs are "plumping" up as well. Maybe they are preparing for winter hibernation? Or the lack of delicious ice cream so readily available around the house? Hmmm... Who knows.


I switched to Wysong and my fat cat is getting thinner and my thin cat is filling out...


Time for walkies! Lots and lots of walkies! Good luck getting MAx on a leash though.



My mom just had this same problem- Shitz Zoo (missp. on purpose) suddenly got so fat it couldn't walk up the steps. Hardly ate her own food, ect.

Vet told her to stop letting dog eat cat food- cat food is way higher in fat than dog food.

Dog has lost 7 pounds......


Yeah, that happened to our yellow lab. At 8 years old, he suddenly gained 30 pounds in about 3 months - no change in diet, exercise, etc. Now i'm the proud supplier of thyroid medicine twice a day. What fun to stick your hand in their slimy mouths 'cause hiding it in cheese never works!

Lisa G

That's too funny. I keep coming back to read it again and again to cheer myself up.


Oh my holy God Ceiba.

She now looks like my ex-boyfriend.


Oh Ceiba, you carry your weight well, sweetie :) Look what happens when you move to the suburbs!

ariel Hassman

So funny! If you did want to take weight off Ceiba I recommend Dr. Pitcairn's book. I make my dogs food from his recipes and they are so much healthier now! One gained weight and the other lost (as it needed to be) on the same food! The reduced fat food just wasn't doing it for my porker, he kept getting fatter and fatter.


FREAKIN HALARIOUS! Little Ceiba was almost unrecognizable. Very cute still though.


I have no children to blame for my dog's fatastic physique. I guess that means I'm lazy.


Yaaaaaaaay Max pic!!


1 word:


Bossy's Great Dane can eat your pets on a Cracker!


Next thing you know...Ceiba appears on a moderately-rated daytime talk show telling you to kiss her big fat brown furry ass.


Yay furries!! I have missed them!!

Leaf, probably...

Awww, fat rolls... Feed her icecream!

Erm... Is this why I'm not allowed a puppy of my own? I think yes....

Jen Gomes

LOL, that is too funny... the captions are hilarious!


oh my god. i just read you for the first time, and what a blog to come to. i just laughed so hard i cried, then tried reading it aloud to my fiance, failed from laughing too hard, made him read it, he laughed. you just seriously cracked us up.


Ha ha ha ha!!! Thanks for the laughs and funny captions!


thank god the vet said she didn't have to lose weight. I've been trying to get my minpin to lose 1/2 pound for a year and can't do it. I've tried everything.

I think she looks adorable.


"lard dog" Hilarious!


I'm cracking up over here. The boss is wondering what the hell I'm laughing at! Too funny!


I was going to post a comment, but there are SO MANY and how many "oh they're so cute" comments do you really want to read? So I changed my mind. I'm not going to come out of lurking to post a comment. ;)

(BTW, I love Max. Reminds me of my Siamese whom I miss dearly.)


Just a cute, stuffed sausage with legs.

Katie Kat

Ha ha ha ha ha... ha ha... haaaaa! No, wait... I'm better now... oh no... ha ha ha ha ha!!!

You slay me... tee hee!

Katie Kat

Oh, and MUST smooch Max... what a face! I'm a sucker for a Siamese (mine is 17 1/2 years old!). SOOOOOOOOO cool and unaffected, but secretly diggin the whole scene!

The comments to this entry are closed.