A Little Off the Top
Updates On Things You Didn't Even Know You Cared About

Weekend: Horror Movie Edition

Molarball: The Return; or Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Eat SpaghettiOs Again

Also known as Friday, the day Noah had a coughing/choking/hacking-lung fit right after lunch and projectile vomited a plate of pasta, half a cheddar cheese stick and an entire sippy cup of juice. And if you think this stuff looks gross coming from the bottle, just wait until you see it come BACK UP. Exorcist remakes, take note.

We've got incoming molars, people. And we are just fucking THRILLED about it.

Birthday Party: Part Two: The Planninging; or Take Your Fucking Theme And Shove It Up Your Fucking Ass

Also known as Saturday, the day it occurred to me that Noah's birthday party was exactly one week away and my extremely laid-back, jebus-lord-he's-only-two approach to planning the stupid thing meant that THERE HAS BEEN NO STUPID PLANNING.  Half the guests are vegetarian, the other half are extremely picker eaters and/or children, yet another half (shut up, the math works in my head at least) are Jason's gourmet foodie friends and when I suggested burgers on the grill and a couple boxes of veggie burgers Jason's show-offy dinner-party-loving head exploded, sort of like when I told a friend that no, Noah's birthday party doesn't have a theme. Am I supposed to have a theme?

I did break down and order a cake. I was planning to make one myself, but in this world-gone-mad-for-televised-fondant-competitions, I started to get a little stressed out over how I would decorate the cake, knowing that my nerves would get the better of me at the exact wrong second and I would end up with a cake that read HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAOH!

So I went to a bakery -- the kind of bakery that sells cakes shaped like handbags and baby carriages and my God, did I want to go in and request some boobs -- and ordered a damn cake.

"What's your theme?"

"GAH!"

I finally remembered that the eVite I sent out had monkeys on it, so...monkeys! Our theme is monkeys. Everybody will get a banana when they leave, and this way I don't have to worry about all the dog poop in the backyard.

BLOOD OMFG BLOOD

(This portion of our entry is dedicated to mah betches over at MamaPopTalk, who helped me ruthlessly ridicule Big Gay Top Chef Dale for being unable to operate a mandoline. The irony, it buuuurns. And has stubby thumbs.)

We had friends over for dinner Saturday night, so I decided to try out a new potato recipe. I was having issues with our mandoline, to say it nicely, and managed to nick the hell out of my finger. Jason sighed the sigh of the martyred saints and offered to take over the slicing duties.

I told him I also needed some onion slices.

Our onions were too big for the safety holder part. I told him I would just use a knife.

He started slicing the onion on the mandoline anyway.

I watched.

My brain twitched.

I shrieked.

STOP SLOW DOWN STOP STOP STOP FINGER FINGER

Anyway. That's how part of Jason's thumb ended up on our kitchen counter and why we spent the rest of afternoon at the emergency room. On the drive there (which seemed to take FOREVER, what with all the old people driving 15 mph and OMFG THIS IS A HOSPITAL ROUTE ASSHOLES, SOMEONE COULD BE IN LABOR) I tried to brainstorm other, dumber injuries (anything that involves a toilet, nudity, or something stuck up your ass) to make Jason feel better, or at least distract everybody from the Monty-Python-like fountain of blood gushing from his hand.

I did not put his thumbtip on ice or anything (I actually just stood there and screamed at it until Jason tossed it down the garbage disposal), and eventually I left him at the hospital so I could go home and finish my potato and onion gratin (it needed to bake for an hour!).

They gave him a tetanus shot and he took a cab home. Our dinner guests enjoyed the gratin.

Img_8120

My personal mandoline injury, made infinitely less cool by a Dora the Explorer Band-Aid.

Comments

Sadie

mmm, potato and onion gratin. I make that, but I don't own a mandoline. I am now grateful. Also, this weekend must have been the weekend for kitchen slicing injuries - I gave my boyfriend the job of trimming Brussels sprouts and he managed to gouge his pinky into a bloodtastic mess. I swear, men will do anything to get out of chores.

Dacia :-)

OMG! I am actually, 2nd or third or 4th.......

So sorry about the cut!! Molars are the DEVIL! Try having twins and cutting them at the same time! OMFG!!!!!

Amy H

damn. I went to a college football game on Saturday and watched pro football all day Sunday. Our weekends have nothing in common.

oh, well, unless you count the baked potato I ate for dinner on Sunday. :-)

Miss W

Alright, Miss Amalah. You have officially made me sick. Thanks a lot. Though the ick factor may have just discouraged my appetite giving me a slight chance of keeping my caloric intake in check today. So, yeah...actually, thanks!

BooMom

AIEE!! I'm fully convinced that mandolines are inventions of Satan himself - every time we use ours, someone ends up looking like they're starring in the latest remake of Texas Chain Saw Massacre !!

Jeanelle

Themes are way overrated!

Fraulein N

Theme? Yeah, he's two. Hey maybe next year, your theme can be three?

Heather B.

As of right now Saturday is the only thing I have to look forward to for the entire week. No pressure though.

lindsayc

o my - now I remember why I don't own a mandoline!

Christy

The important thing is that you saved the potatoes. And you can still have burgers! Just choose interesting toppings. A burger's not a burger when it's topped with sliced avocado, bleu cheese, and/or pineapple, right?

Janet

The theme of the all my birthday parties growing up was . . . "birthday party". And I'm not even in therapy. Over that.

BOSSY

This does it: Will you marry Bossy?

Lauren

And I thought I had it bad taking my 8 month old to the ER at 4 am this morning after a delightful evening of screaming and projectile vomiting. Luckily I only got apple juice/formula vomit. He's now fine and I am at work while my husband sleeps blissfully in bed with the non-screaming non vomiting child. Ear infections suck. I truely feel your pain. Misery loves company.

chirky

OMG, I was making dinner with a friend and she did the EXACT same thing to her thumb. There it was, laying among the zucchini slices.

It looked exactly like a (bloody) clove of garlic.

Sarah

Am I the only one imagining the Venn diagram that encompasses all the dietary requirements of the party guests?

Laura

Sorry about the injuries. My licence plate on the front of my car decided to gouge my husband's leg a while back and we had a similar visit to the emergency room. Long Story.

Birthday parties...my twin girls are turning 1 October 27. Theme...the damn theme will drive you CRAZY! I think we finally decided on Mikey Mouse...it's their favorite cartoon. Good luck on the birthday planning.

P.S. Noah is still adorable and I can't believe he's going to be 2!

Velma

Ogoodgod! I'm so freakin' glad this wasn't my weekend! I mean, I feel for you all, but WHEW!

Tracy

Wow...that makes the next post with the title "a little off the top" have a whole different meaning...

AmyM

Ok,I am a non-food show watching, non-inbred hillbilly. What is a "mandoline"?

Relax. Breathe. Noah isn't going to remember whether or not he had a theme! Let yourself enjoy him on his big day and not worry about the cake or the gawddamn hamburgers. It's about impressing NAOH(!), not anyone else.

I hope it goes really well. May the molars come quickly and all fingers remain intact.

Kelly

Thanks for the story about Jason's thumb. It made me pass out, which is good because I was needing a nap anyway.

cce

That's why someone invented Cuisinarts. Just stick that slicing contraption in the top and let it do the work. No more severed limbs and a lot less drama on weekends. I guess Jason is going to like that particular potato dish a little less now that he's been a casualty to its preparation.

Maria

Ouch on the injuries and the molars from hell.

I highly recommend the KitchenAid Slicer and Shredder attachment.

Dani

Damn mandolines! Getting the best of chefs everywhere!

That green gloppy stuff looks hideous, and even though the comments there swear it's tasty, I cannot imagine drinking it. Though the idea of grossing out my co-workers by drinking it at work is appealing to me.

Theme? "Birthday". There's a theme. Gah. Mine's only 5 months old. I suppose I should start planning her April birthday party now, yes?

Michelle

I once required six stitches after a run-in with a box of Saran Wrap - also the day of a party I was hosting. The trip to the emergency room was similarly traffic-ridden and full of bloody dishtowels.

And I am not planning a birthday party for my daughter's second birthday. Am a bad mother, I know.

Starbuck

I used to have a mandoline. I was always very afraid of it so never really got hurt by it. Now I have a food processor that slices my potatoes and I don't have to worry about the blade. Or blood.

Did you get Noah's cake from Charm City Cakes? I hear they are only $500.00 and up.

So sorry about the major owies that are probably too major to be owies.

All Adither

I'm pretty happy with my Barbie Band-Aids.

wordnerd

NOTE TO SELF: Return mandoline. Or buy more bandaids.

Nancy

Lord. I had to take a moment there and put my head down.

Theme-shmeme. They don't need a theme unless they're old enough to ask for one.

Stephanie

So I just looked up mandoline on Wikipedia because I didn't know what it was. First of all, Wikipedia describes it as a "dangerous utensil." Second, it turns out I own one. My aunt gave it to me, but it looked too terrifying to use. So it's been gathering dust in a cabinet ever since. Boy am I glad that I was too chicken to try it out!

Lon

Lurker for months and months now. Finally decided to say something.

Get on google and look up "cut resistant glove". They make a glove with stainless steel threads and stuff made for mandolin users. Yeah, I had my share of bloodletting from my mandolin until I got my glove. Actually if you read the instructions that came with your mandolin it also suggests one of those. At least mine did..

Maxine Dangerous

THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL?!?!?!!?!?

Nicole

Well, *I* think the Dora the Explorer band aid is cool.

Of course, you're talking to someone who buys Sesame Street band aids for a household that has no kids).

I have been projectile vomited on a couple of times, mind you - I used to teach swimming, and for some reason people thought that if their darlings were too sick to go to daycare/preschool, they were ok to go to swimming lessons.

Ah.

No.

tiffany

oh christ.
that's all i have at this time.

Apple

Let me get this straight, your husband...tossed the end of his thumb...down the garbage disposal?!!! OMG. Why didn't he take it to get it sewn back on?! Ewwww! Poor Jason.

Traci

Ok, I have to do this-

IT'S JUST A FLESH WOUND!!!

Well, you mentioned Monty Python.

Laura

OMG...I miss MamaPop. I really need to re-sign up. I was sooo thinking about you guys when he came out with that mandoline crap.

I loved how 5 minutes before that, he accosted us viewers with "Oh, you think you can do this? Well, you can't!". What-eva buddy, I least I can work a fucking mandoline!

Hope Noah's party goes well and Jason's wound heals quickly!

robiewankenobie

check out this monkey theme party. it makes me want to go take a nap. http://buzzville.typepad.com/buzzville/2005/05/monkey_party_re.html

Julie

I have a lamer injury for you to cheer Jason with:

My husband recently fractured his wrist / injured a ligament when our FOR SALE SIGN FELL ON HIS ARM. I shit you not. No, really. It was in our bedroom window (we don't have a front yard) and fell out, coming down on his wrist like a guillotine (his description, concocted to make the injury sound less pathetic). He's been in a wrist brace for 2.5 weeks and only this weekend was able to pick our child up out of the crib for the first time.

I am, incidentally, still laughing about it.

Chantale

I feel compelled to tell this story now:

My brother, age 3, was given a knife by me, age 4, so that we could cut open our oranges. I took a small knife, while I gave him a turkey carving knife (I'm a generous sister like that). He proceeds to bring the knife up in the air and full force down onto his orange, except he slips... and cuts his damn thumb right off above the knuckle. He didn't actually cut *through* the bone, but he did dislocate his thumb, making his thumb hang off of his hand by a mere cm of skin. So nasty. While I was vomiting (seriously) he ran into the bedroom where my parents were still asleep and woke my mom up, who screamed and passed out (she doesn't do too well with the blood). My dad drove him to the emergency room and my brother still has a long and thick scar around his thumb 22ish years later.

ikate

OMG a theme for a 2-year-old party? How about he's not going to remember it except from picturds so shut up and have some f-ing cake!

My Buddy Mimi

Molarball--he, he. Mimi currently has 17 of her 20 (serisously, 20? aaargh!) baby teeth, so that means three more to go. Can't wait.

Nosaby

Well it sounds eventful. And hilarious for those who didn't live it.

Tirzah

I think it might be time to remove all sharp objects from the house!!! haha You two and your slicing abilities!!!

Tina C.

my son's 2nd b-day had no theme and i have no regrets. don't believe the hype. he didn't notice, but he did enjoy the watermelon...

Sarah

So Noah got a little off the top and so did you hubby. But for goodness sakes the GARBAGE DISPOSAL!?!?!?!?! sick!

zoe

We only have batman and hello kitty bandaids. I did come across a page in Parents magazine for a site you could buy ones that look like strips of bacon. I spent Sunday in the express care (express my fat ass) with my 15 year old son a giant abcess on his ass. I'd rather deal with a cut off finger tip. UGG>

Neena

Ok, maybe I'm sick: I sort of want to see a picture of Jason's finger!

(Doctor's daughter...I love/am fascinated by the blood and gore. That is, unless it's my own.)

And - monkey theme: so fun! Jason can be The Man in the Yellow Hat from Curious George. So what if it isn't a costume party - he'll be a hit!

Maxine Dangerous

And I'm with AmyM. What's a mandoline? Other than the horror movie version, apparently, of a mandolin? (It slices! It dices! It plays you a lovely tune!)

Lisa M

Order everything from a deli. Or a barbque place. Or, hey, is it too late to make it a potluck?! Really, burgers on the grill and lots of toppings (as mentioned above) sounds good to me. Then again, I can't cook worth a damn! And you know, unless it's a life threatening food allergy, I don't give a SHIT what other people's food preferences are. It's my house and my party. Don't like the meat platter from the grocery store deli? Eat something else thankyouverymuch. Hope the party goes well!

jodi

poor Jason, forced to take a cab home after such a traumatic injury.

(I totally would have done the same thing).

elizasmom

I wince in sympathy, as I made a trip to the emergency room myself this weekend.

http://elizasmom.com/?p=764

ali

i don't know what's worse...projective vomit-y of italian food or losing pieces of finger on counters. it's a toss up, really.

jessica

birhtdays, much like weddings, do not require a theme. over eating (and dirnking, possibly) and passing out in sugar induced coma - that is mah theme!

Ginny

Theme just means what kind of character crap you like on your paper plates and plastic tablecloth...it's no big deal and monkeys are fine. Although it may be tough to find a monkey pinata...you ARE getting a pinata, aren't you?! (I'm just joshing!)Personally I'm a fan of the Photo Cake--but then, my son turned two 8 years ago, so what do I know? Hope Noah has fun!

Peets Mom

That was hysterical! I mean, not the part about the thumb...but you know, in general, that was hyserical!

I actually had a theme of "pink" for one of my daughter's parties! And I didn't even give a goodie bag. So there!

christina

It's nice to see that I was not the only one thinking "why the garbage disposal?" and "when do we get pictures of Jason's thumb?"
And monkeys are a great theme. I see monkey masks and fake palm trees.

Katie Kat

Threw it down the garbage disposal!?! OMFG - that is too goddamn funny! How big was it?

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Oh, and B turns 2 in two weeks, and I haven't even talked to anyone about any sort of celebration... party? UH - wha? Maybe just scattered relatives and a store-bought cake? Like she's gonna remember... (I'm destined for Mother of the Year TWO years in a row people).

crazymumma

Keep him tanked up on Motrin for the molar.

And I have some waycool tattoo bandaids you could use.

Heather

In numerical order.

1. Molars suck. Ass.
2. Theme? Birthday. My stock answer for every freaking one of Seth's parties.
3. Dale and the mandoline. OMFG. Work it! You are on TOP CHEF. And as much as I hate Hung, he KILLLLLED IT.
4. Being the wife of a chef...injuries involved with cooking are heinous, heinous affairs.
5. I was told once, with much disdain, that I have the mouth of a sailor. I happen to like my "Sailor Mouth." I felt cold and alone. Until now. Fucking RIGHT. If you ever come to the mountains of NC, we will drink wine until filthy talk ensues. I'll call my family to join us. They taught me all I know.

MamaErika

I have been lurking for a couple of weeks and love, love, love, the way you write of life's peril's and joys! I have 3 kids one of which just turned 2....molars cutting? Holy Crap YES! Themed birthday party....Hell No! I have found that the pressure of planning parties only increases as they get older (I have a 5 year old and 7 year old also). Soon you will also be expected to come up with some bull shit adorable little party favor for each child that comes to the party. And we aren't talking a pencil and some stickers. My kids have actually received gift cards to various establishments (all of which I used of course since they had no clue what it even was). My point is go easy for the 2nd. The Monkey cake will be great. Just sit back and enjoy Noah trying to figure out why there are so many damn people at his house and why he should go slow opening presents.

P.S. I came across your page after a google search on 2 year olds with speech delay. I am in the same boat and I thank you very much for the information you posted. It has helped me tremendously.

Kristabella

Ha! Karma, it is thy bitch.

That will teach us to make fun of Big Gay Chef!

Amy

Hah! You should have named this post "A Little Off the Top (Part 2)".

Seriously - I hope Jason's healing well and the party planning goes smoothly.

amalah

Rest assured the thumb tip that went down the garbage disposal could not have been reattached...Jason didn't slice through bone or anything, just a decent chunk of the fleshy top part oh my god I cannot continue talking about this without wanting to throw up.

Anyway, there wasn't anything else to do with it besides tossing it down the disposal...seemed like the best course of action at the time, lest it end up cooked in the gratin.

He took the bandage off tonight DURING DINNER, AT THE TABLE. I love that man and will button all his buttons while his thumb is out of commission, but holy hell, that was gross and wrong.

Victoria

ewwwwwwww!!!!!

Jenny H.

Hey!

Dora ROCKS! The mandoline? Meh, not so much. You don't even want to hear about the gum-ball incident of '05. Suffice it to say it was not pretty.

And I also realized the "forgotten" party, WITH MY SECOND CHILD! To be fair, I DID have a lot of horrible things going on at the time. So he had a "Backyardigans" party. My mom made the cake. Pablo, by the way. It was a HUGE hit.

Everyone was happy, and all our cakes were friends.

Jenny H.

AND?

I GET TO MEET ZOOT!!

I SAY THIS BECAUSE I AM SO EXCITED! YOU KNOW ZOOT!

AND WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO ATLANTA?!!!

Stephanie

Monkey party decorations: some helium balloons tied to bunches of bananas - insant theme and cheap.

Mandoline: now removed from my Christmas list.

adele Richards

My daughter's birthday is also 30 September so I am feeling somewhat crazed alongside you. Especially when I stood at the checkout today and so the amount the bill came to...all for a First birthday party that she won't understand or remember!

gina in sc

ahh i love it when i meet other top chef lovers... poor jase, but glad dinner turned out good...

honestyrain

what i am doing: not rushing out to buy a mandoline.

Maria

Uh no! No! I would have made him eat in the kitchen for pulling off that bandaid.

Anny

I thought you were supposed to take the sippy cup away from Noah to help with his speech?
Prolonging his difficulities to give you something to write about?

Jenna

Long time lurker, first time commenter, but when I saw the last one I had to say this..

"Anny"...what is wrong with you? What is so wrong in your life that you feel the need to be needlessly vicious to someone (I'm assuming) you've never met?

Nothing irritates me more than people who are cruel and pick on other people's weaknesses. Makes my blood boil. Do unto others...ever heard of it?

Jen O.

Some sippy cups come with a straw instead of a spout and those are perfectly acceptable in speech development. They actually kind of help. My daughter won't use anything but the straw sippies. Not because she has to, but because she's so darn picky.

(ps - that was aimed at Anny)

Jen O.

Oh, and I wanted to mention the theme of my daughter's 1st birthday. I was so proud of the brilliance.

Pink.

Yes, that's right. I couldn't be bothered with a theme, so I just bought all pink decorations and when some douchebag asked "What's your theme?" I told them "Pink. Shut up."

Nickie

Ugh...theme? Yeah right.. doesn't happen at my house either. I'm the queen of birthday party planning procrastination. In fact, this year, I planned the whole event in a record 36 hours; with every intention of making cupcakes that didn't happen... ended up buying them from the bakery and oh what a wise decision. I did forget a few things though... but hey, we can't be expected to remember everything can we?

Oh, and to commenter Anny... HELLO... ever heard of sippy cups with STRAWS???? Jeez go find a hobby!

Mary

So, my lunch was made infinitely less yummy with the fountain of blood image.. You are too funny =)

Ginny

Hey Anny, please note the final picture above. All for you, sweetie!

mandy

I hope everyone has all their parts put back together. I guess I am wondering what your guests did while you were away?

Theme schmeme. Monkeys rock anyway.

Ashlie

I would have passed thee heck out!

MoCo

when people asked me what the theme for my wedding was, I said, "wedding". When they persisted, I said, no, seriously, the theme is "two people getting married". why does everything have to have a theme now?

Mom101

I like Big Gay Top Chef Dale and his bad hair. Even if he is the next to get axed.

And I'm way overdue in saying I love the new blog look. Nice job Sean.

Jenni

...what Sarah said...Venn diagram.....(snort)
TFF!

nicole

First, I love your blog, it's one of my new favorites since I'm still pretty new at all this. Ouch to both your fingers, I hope you're healing up well. I think that "birthday party" should be theme enough.

amalah

*eyeroll*

Funny...I changed the comment policy here because it's been freaking AGES since I got ANY rude comments and I figured it was unnecessary. Seriously! The only comments I've deleted all year were the ones from that crazy guy who kept posting chapters of his white p0wer manifesto. And now that I dialed back on the YOU WILL GET DELETED language, I'm getting them semi-regularly again. [They don't bother me at all, guys, so feel free to just ignore people like that. But thanks for swooping to my sippy cup defense.] I don't know why, but I find this hilarious. Trolls with no real reading comprehension who still take two seconds to read about the comment policy. Ha!

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