Weekend: Horror Movie Edition
September 24, 2007
Molarball: The Return; or Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Eat SpaghettiOs Again
Also known as Friday, the day Noah had a coughing/choking/hacking-lung fit right after lunch and projectile vomited a plate of pasta, half a cheddar cheese stick and an entire sippy cup of juice. And if you think this stuff looks gross coming from the bottle, just wait until you see it come BACK UP. Exorcist remakes, take note.
We've got incoming molars, people. And we are just fucking THRILLED about it.
Birthday Party: Part Two: The Planninging; or Take Your Fucking Theme And Shove It Up Your Fucking Ass
Also known as Saturday, the day it occurred to me that Noah's birthday party was exactly one week away and my extremely laid-back, jebus-lord-he's-only-two approach to planning the stupid thing meant that THERE HAS BEEN NO STUPID PLANNING. Half the guests are vegetarian, the other half are extremely picker eaters and/or children, yet another half (shut up, the math works in my head at least) are Jason's gourmet foodie friends and when I suggested burgers on the grill and a couple boxes of veggie burgers Jason's show-offy dinner-party-loving head exploded, sort of like when I told a friend that no, Noah's birthday party doesn't have a theme. Am I supposed to have a theme?
I did break down and order a cake. I was planning to make one myself, but in this world-gone-mad-for-televised-fondant-competitions, I started to get a little stressed out over how I would decorate the cake, knowing that my nerves would get the better of me at the exact wrong second and I would end up with a cake that read HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAOH!
So I went to a bakery -- the kind of bakery that sells cakes shaped like handbags and baby carriages and my God, did I want to go in and request some boobs -- and ordered a damn cake.
"What's your theme?"
"GAH!"
I finally remembered that the eVite I sent out had monkeys on it, so...monkeys! Our theme is monkeys. Everybody will get a banana when they leave, and this way I don't have to worry about all the dog poop in the backyard.
BLOOD OMFG BLOOD
(This portion of our entry is dedicated to mah betches over at MamaPopTalk, who helped me ruthlessly ridicule Big Gay Top Chef Dale for being unable to operate a mandoline. The irony, it buuuurns. And has stubby thumbs.)
We had friends over for dinner Saturday night, so I decided to try out a new potato recipe. I was having issues with our mandoline, to say it nicely, and managed to nick the hell out of my finger. Jason sighed the sigh of the martyred saints and offered to take over the slicing duties.
I told him I also needed some onion slices.
Our onions were too big for the safety holder part. I told him I would just use a knife.
He started slicing the onion on the mandoline anyway.
I watched.
My brain twitched.
I shrieked.
STOP SLOW DOWN STOP STOP STOP FINGER FINGER
Anyway. That's how part of Jason's thumb ended up on our kitchen counter and why we spent the rest of afternoon at the emergency room. On the drive there (which seemed to take FOREVER, what with all the old people driving 15 mph and OMFG THIS IS A HOSPITAL ROUTE ASSHOLES, SOMEONE COULD BE IN LABOR) I tried to brainstorm other, dumber injuries (anything that involves a toilet, nudity, or something stuck up your ass) to make Jason feel better, or at least distract everybody from the Monty-Python-like fountain of blood gushing from his hand.
I did not put his thumbtip on ice or anything (I actually just stood there and screamed at it until Jason tossed it down the garbage disposal), and eventually I left him at the hospital so I could go home and finish my potato and onion gratin (it needed to bake for an hour!).
They gave him a tetanus shot and he took a cab home. Our dinner guests enjoyed the gratin.
My personal mandoline injury, made infinitely less cool by a Dora the Explorer Band-Aid.
mmm, potato and onion gratin. I make that, but I don't own a mandoline. I am now grateful. Also, this weekend must have been the weekend for kitchen slicing injuries - I gave my boyfriend the job of trimming Brussels sprouts and he managed to gouge his pinky into a bloodtastic mess. I swear, men will do anything to get out of chores.
OMG! I am actually, 2nd or third or 4th.......
So sorry about the cut!! Molars are the DEVIL! Try having twins and cutting them at the same time! OMFG!!!!!
damn. I went to a college football game on Saturday and watched pro football all day Sunday. Our weekends have nothing in common.
oh, well, unless you count the baked potato I ate for dinner on Sunday. :-)
Alright, Miss Amalah. You have officially made me sick. Thanks a lot. Though the ick factor may have just discouraged my appetite giving me a slight chance of keeping my caloric intake in check today. So, yeah...actually, thanks!
AIEE!! I'm fully convinced that mandolines are inventions of Satan himself - every time we use ours, someone ends up looking like they're starring in the latest remake of Texas Chain Saw Massacre !!
Themes are way overrated!
Theme? Yeah, he's two. Hey maybe next year, your theme can be three?
As of right now Saturday is the only thing I have to look forward to for the entire week. No pressure though.
o my - now I remember why I don't own a mandoline!
The important thing is that you saved the potatoes. And you can still have burgers! Just choose interesting toppings. A burger's not a burger when it's topped with sliced avocado, bleu cheese, and/or pineapple, right?
The theme of the all my birthday parties growing up was . . . "birthday party". And I'm not even in therapy. Over that.
This does it: Will you marry Bossy?
And I thought I had it bad taking my 8 month old to the ER at 4 am this morning after a delightful evening of screaming and projectile vomiting. Luckily I only got apple juice/formula vomit. He's now fine and I am at work while my husband sleeps blissfully in bed with the non-screaming non vomiting child. Ear infections suck. I truely feel your pain. Misery loves company.
OMG, I was making dinner with a friend and she did the EXACT same thing to her thumb. There it was, laying among the zucchini slices.
It looked exactly like a (bloody) clove of garlic.
Am I the only one imagining the Venn diagram that encompasses all the dietary requirements of the party guests?
Sorry about the injuries. My licence plate on the front of my car decided to gouge my husband's leg a while back and we had a similar visit to the emergency room. Long Story.
Birthday parties...my twin girls are turning 1 October 27. Theme...the damn theme will drive you CRAZY! I think we finally decided on Mikey Mouse...it's their favorite cartoon. Good luck on the birthday planning.
P.S. Noah is still adorable and I can't believe he's going to be 2!
Ogoodgod! I'm so freakin' glad this wasn't my weekend! I mean, I feel for you all, but WHEW!
Wow...that makes the next post with the title "a little off the top" have a whole different meaning...
Ok,I am a non-food show watching, non-inbred hillbilly. What is a "mandoline"?
Relax. Breathe. Noah isn't going to remember whether or not he had a theme! Let yourself enjoy him on his big day and not worry about the cake or the gawddamn hamburgers. It's about impressing NAOH(!), not anyone else.
I hope it goes really well. May the molars come quickly and all fingers remain intact.
Thanks for the story about Jason's thumb. It made me pass out, which is good because I was needing a nap anyway.
That's why someone invented Cuisinarts. Just stick that slicing contraption in the top and let it do the work. No more severed limbs and a lot less drama on weekends. I guess Jason is going to like that particular potato dish a little less now that he's been a casualty to its preparation.
Ouch on the injuries and the molars from hell.
I highly recommend the KitchenAid Slicer and Shredder attachment.
Damn mandolines! Getting the best of chefs everywhere!
That green gloppy stuff looks hideous, and even though the comments there swear it's tasty, I cannot imagine drinking it. Though the idea of grossing out my co-workers by drinking it at work is appealing to me.
Theme? "Birthday". There's a theme. Gah. Mine's only 5 months old. I suppose I should start planning her April birthday party now, yes?
I once required six stitches after a run-in with a box of Saran Wrap - also the day of a party I was hosting. The trip to the emergency room was similarly traffic-ridden and full of bloody dishtowels.
And I am not planning a birthday party for my daughter's second birthday. Am a bad mother, I know.
I used to have a mandoline. I was always very afraid of it so never really got hurt by it. Now I have a food processor that slices my potatoes and I don't have to worry about the blade. Or blood.
Did you get Noah's cake from Charm City Cakes? I hear they are only $500.00 and up.
So sorry about the major owies that are probably too major to be owies.
I'm pretty happy with my Barbie Band-Aids.
NOTE TO SELF: Return mandoline. Or buy more bandaids.
Lord. I had to take a moment there and put my head down.
Theme-shmeme. They don't need a theme unless they're old enough to ask for one.
So I just looked up mandoline on Wikipedia because I didn't know what it was. First of all, Wikipedia describes it as a "dangerous utensil." Second, it turns out I own one. My aunt gave it to me, but it looked too terrifying to use. So it's been gathering dust in a cabinet ever since. Boy am I glad that I was too chicken to try it out!
Lurker for months and months now. Finally decided to say something.
Get on google and look up "cut resistant glove". They make a glove with stainless steel threads and stuff made for mandolin users. Yeah, I had my share of bloodletting from my mandolin until I got my glove. Actually if you read the instructions that came with your mandolin it also suggests one of those. At least mine did..
THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL?!?!?!!?!?
Well, *I* think the Dora the Explorer band aid is cool.
Of course, you're talking to someone who buys Sesame Street band aids for a household that has no kids).
I have been projectile vomited on a couple of times, mind you - I used to teach swimming, and for some reason people thought that if their darlings were too sick to go to daycare/preschool, they were ok to go to swimming lessons.
Ah.
No.
oh christ.
that's all i have at this time.
Let me get this straight, your husband...tossed the end of his thumb...down the garbage disposal?!!! OMG. Why didn't he take it to get it sewn back on?! Ewwww! Poor Jason.
Ok, I have to do this-
IT'S JUST A FLESH WOUND!!!
Well, you mentioned Monty Python.
OMG...I miss MamaPop. I really need to re-sign up. I was sooo thinking about you guys when he came out with that mandoline crap.
I loved how 5 minutes before that, he accosted us viewers with "Oh, you think you can do this? Well, you can't!". What-eva buddy, I least I can work a fucking mandoline!
Hope Noah's party goes well and Jason's wound heals quickly!
check out this monkey theme party. it makes me want to go take a nap. http://buzzville.typepad.com/buzzville/2005/05/monkey_party_re.html
I have a lamer injury for you to cheer Jason with:
My husband recently fractured his wrist / injured a ligament when our FOR SALE SIGN FELL ON HIS ARM. I shit you not. No, really. It was in our bedroom window (we don't have a front yard) and fell out, coming down on his wrist like a guillotine (his description, concocted to make the injury sound less pathetic). He's been in a wrist brace for 2.5 weeks and only this weekend was able to pick our child up out of the crib for the first time.
I am, incidentally, still laughing about it.
I feel compelled to tell this story now:
My brother, age 3, was given a knife by me, age 4, so that we could cut open our oranges. I took a small knife, while I gave him a turkey carving knife (I'm a generous sister like that). He proceeds to bring the knife up in the air and full force down onto his orange, except he slips... and cuts his damn thumb right off above the knuckle. He didn't actually cut *through* the bone, but he did dislocate his thumb, making his thumb hang off of his hand by a mere cm of skin. So nasty. While I was vomiting (seriously) he ran into the bedroom where my parents were still asleep and woke my mom up, who screamed and passed out (she doesn't do too well with the blood). My dad drove him to the emergency room and my brother still has a long and thick scar around his thumb 22ish years later.
OMG a theme for a 2-year-old party? How about he's not going to remember it except from picturds so shut up and have some f-ing cake!
Molarball--he, he. Mimi currently has 17 of her 20 (serisously, 20? aaargh!) baby teeth, so that means three more to go. Can't wait.
Well it sounds eventful. And hilarious for those who didn't live it.
I think it might be time to remove all sharp objects from the house!!! haha You two and your slicing abilities!!!
my son's 2nd b-day had no theme and i have no regrets. don't believe the hype. he didn't notice, but he did enjoy the watermelon...
So Noah got a little off the top and so did you hubby. But for goodness sakes the GARBAGE DISPOSAL!?!?!?!?! sick!
We only have batman and hello kitty bandaids. I did come across a page in Parents magazine for a site you could buy ones that look like strips of bacon. I spent Sunday in the express care (express my fat ass) with my 15 year old son a giant abcess on his ass. I'd rather deal with a cut off finger tip. UGG>
Ok, maybe I'm sick: I sort of want to see a picture of Jason's finger!
(Doctor's daughter...I love/am fascinated by the blood and gore. That is, unless it's my own.)
And - monkey theme: so fun! Jason can be The Man in the Yellow Hat from Curious George. So what if it isn't a costume party - he'll be a hit!
And I'm with AmyM. What's a mandoline? Other than the horror movie version, apparently, of a mandolin? (It slices! It dices! It plays you a lovely tune!)
Order everything from a deli. Or a barbque place. Or, hey, is it too late to make it a potluck?! Really, burgers on the grill and lots of toppings (as mentioned above) sounds good to me. Then again, I can't cook worth a damn! And you know, unless it's a life threatening food allergy, I don't give a SHIT what other people's food preferences are. It's my house and my party. Don't like the meat platter from the grocery store deli? Eat something else thankyouverymuch. Hope the party goes well!
poor Jason, forced to take a cab home after such a traumatic injury.
(I totally would have done the same thing).