The Day After the Day After
How Many Storches Does It Take To Screw In a Light Bulb

#1 on the Threatdown: BEARS

Noah has woken up in the middle of the night four times in the past week. This is hugely unusual for him -- he's always been the kind of sleeper I don't tell other mothers about, lest I get pelted with Starbucks cups and small pieces of occasional furniture. Down at 8:30 pm, puts self to sleep, up at 7:30 am, hums and reads quietly to self until 8, down again after lunch and -- after a few minutes of shrieking and jumping while I remind myself for the millionth time to tighten the crib screws, dear LORD -- stays down for at least few hours.

See? You don't talk about a sleeper like that. I can feel your anger right now; your breath is steaming up my monitor from here.

But lately he's been waking up and talking about bears. Which, okay, not so much "talking" as waking up crying and saying "ABEAR ABEAR ABEAR" over and over.

Not to impress you too much with my deductive reasoning skills or anything, but I think he might be having nightmares about a bear.


Uh. So.

I wrote that 20 minutes ago, according to the clock on my computer and the amount of dried drool around my mouth. Yes, I fell asleep while writing my own blog entry. Somewhere, a black hole collapsed with a huge yawn and Narcissus just dozed off and drowned in the pool.

It's fitting, since the point of that story (I think) was really just a long setup for HOW FLIPPING TIRED I AM. Whenever Noah wakes up at night, Jason brings him back to bed with us, because he's a sucker and can sleep through repeated kicks in the kidney.  I suppose I'm a little more princess-and-the-pea about internal bruising.

This morning Noah woke me up at 5 am by repeatedly smacking me in the face with my own hand, while yelling HAND MAMA! MAMA! HAND! HAND! directly into my eye sockets.

This morning I gave him some blueberries and told him they were dessert. AND HE BELIEVED ME. AND IT WORKED.


I celebrated by helping myself to the last Snickers bar.

Next up: convincing him that a haircut = choo choo train ride. Because DAMN.

Oh, my God. I just wrote a whole section about our ant traps. And how I can't stop watching the ant traps, since the ants are going completely apeshit over the traps and it's only a matter of time before the entire colony is dead and I feel kind of bad about that, like the ants are all WE SHALL SURVIVE THE WINTER AFTER ALL, OH GLORY BE and really they're just delivering sugary crumbs of death, dee dee deeee, and I think I have probably watched too many Pixar movies and I JUST DELETED THE WHOLE SECTION ABOUT OUR ANT TRAPS. AND THEN I TYPED IT AGAIN.


I'm delirious, I think.


Here. Have another gratuitous bedhead photo. I'm out.


My biggest fear has come true: too cute and delicious, thus irresistible to abears.

(See what I did there? I brought the whole bear thing back, and then linked to an entry that actually made a lick of sense, and also, there's an ant trap under his high chair. I'm working in circles that you don't even know about, baby.)


Wacky Mommy

Holy Jeebus what is going *on* over there??? heh heh.


awww...i follewed the thought train. no worries.
violet has nightmares, too. that cry is so very different thatn any other. she doesn't want to sleep with us after that, but she does require a good hour long cuddle time with mama. so, i feel ya, dawg.

Wacky Mommy

Woooooooooooooooo! First!


Hey, Amy. First of all - first? me? go figure!

Umm, yeah - I am the last person to feel qualified to "share" parenting ideas. However, I would caution against the "bring him in our bed and we'll all get a decent night's sleep" solution. I caved and let my daughter sleep on the floor when she hit a bad spot. Figured she'd get sick of it after a few nights and we'd go back to normal. Um, hello. Over 2 years of floor sleeping followed. I'd have to encourage others to tough it out at night (i.e. put them back in their beds) and use nap time to catch up sleep if you need to.

Just my $.02.


Jake's big 2 1/2 year old nightmare was... wait for it... FISH. He woke up in the middle of the night terrified of mean fish. (We think this came from the lantern fish in Finding Nemo.) And the fear lasted until the lie of "monster spray" began.


Jake's big 2 1/2 year old nightmare was... wait for it... FISH. He woke up in the middle of the night terrified of mean fish. (We think this came from the lantern fish in Finding Nemo.) And the fear lasted until the lie of "scary spray" began. We took him to the store, and he picked out the grodiest lilac Febreeze room deodorizer, and we sprayed it in all the "scary spots" every night before he went to sleep. And then we took showers from the stink.


Bossy's Notation regarding Amalah's interesting blog comment custom: Everyone must type "First!"


are you sure he wasn't asking for a beer? don't i recall a video post in which he said "abeer?" over and over? does mo county have early intervention for toddler alcoholism?


The hair is killing me. Wait until he's around 9 and decides he wants a buzz cut. Then decides, at 14, to let it grow. Again.

I'm still trying to convince Shortman that haircut = choo choo train ride. He's now 16.


You fell asleep while blogging?!?! I'm still laughing about that one.

Speaking about bears, our book fair is next week and the mascot is a polar bear. For the naming contest, my 8 year old wants to name it "honky". I am sorry about the nightmares, though.

Marmite Breath (Nat)

OMG, you killed Flik! You bastards!

(Love you really)


My five-year-old still considers corn and any frozen fruit dessert. It is a mother's dream. However, she is catching on. The crash of all mother's dreams.


My five-year-old still considers corn and any frozen fruit dessert. It is a mother's dream. However, she is catching on. The crash of all mother's dreams.

Miss Britt

My son sleeps like that too. 99.999% of the time.

And on the rare chance one of the monsters finds themselves in our bed, it seems to only be me getting my ass kicked.

Of course, the only fair thing to do in that situation is kick the crap out of my husband until he wakes up. And then quickly get to the business of pretending to be asleep.

We're a family that shares.

kelly jeanie

We have to enjoy this while we can. I took my 2-1/2 year-old son to the store last week and convinced him his treat for being good was a shiny apple. He was thrilled. How long do you think we'll be able to get away with this?


My 2 year old just started the same sleep issue. My pediatrician told me that this is the age that night terrors can happen because they are old enough to remember their dreams, but not developed enought to tell reality apart from dreams so he might really think he is being eaten by a bear. Kids are weird.


and this is why you're winning the blog-contest-thing.


Now tell us that he's been sleeping that way since he was 2 months I can upchuck my Haagen Dazs frozen ice cream treat. And then sob for a while.

Cause this 5 month old? She's napped for a grand told of 33 minutes today, after getting up at 6 am.


When I was really little, probably a year or two older than Noah is now, but still quite small, I started having nightmares about bears. (I think it was connected to a big scruffy stuffed bear of my brother's that was in the room.) My family's solution was to get a big, jolly-looking stuffed teddy-bear thing (that was, I swear to god, wearing leiderhosen), set it on my bed, and name it Sheriff Bear. You see, Sheriff Bear's job was to stand watch over me and chase away any bad bears, including the creepy one on the other side of the room.

That first night? I slept with that thing ON TOP of me. But I seem to recall that it worked out okay- I calmed down pretty quick because I'd wake up and see Sheriff bear and know that I was okay. I suspect this is like the "scary spray" that someone else mentioned- a coping mechanism designed to make the kid feel like appropriate action has been taken, and the situation is once again under control.


Is someone still drunk from the champagne rum punch last week? :) If not, does that someone wish she had some so that this entry would have a good excuse?

At some point in our childhood, someone actually thought that my mother was a battered wife because my brother used to kick and spin in "Homer-Simpson-like-donuts" in his sleep.


His hair is literally KILLING me with it's cuteness. I'm all verklempt.


My oldest was a sleeper like that after 13 months. My 5 year old still gets up.


Dude, I think it is something in the air, coupled with kid hitting you in the face (with own hand) because I've been ridiculously tired for the last few days too.

But I don't have kids. Therefore must blame on weather. And NOT drinking.


It must be his sweet, sweet goldilocks that are attracting all the abears. Haircut as defense against advances by anthropomorphic wildlife?


My 4-year-old did this when he was 2. We eventually figured out it was because he was cutting his 2-year molars.

So when our 2-year-old started doing it at the same age, I assumed it was teething again. Apparently? Not so... Maybe I should look into this abear issue - perhaps he is having nightmares.

If only every kid was not an entirely different puzzle; it would make life so much easier if the tricks that worked with one were of any use with another. *sigh*

Naomi Dunford

So this one time? At band camp?

Wait, that's a whole different story. This other time, not at band camp, Michael was probably about Noah's age. He was VERY verbal. Too verbal. Really, very, a lot-ly verbal. Anyway, he couldn't say the "CH" sound so he would say "CSSSS" instead. (Example: Cssssoooo-Cssssooo. What a train says. Duh.)

Anyway, for some reason I don't remember, he was sleeping in the middle of my mother's living room on a cot. And we're tiptoeing around the house until we hear a fretful cry...

"The tigers are cssssssssasing me! The tigers are cssssssssasing me!" Totally asleep. Zonko.

I had no idea he even knew the word tiger and all of a sudden they're csasing him?

Awesome story. Now go get some sleep.


Me thinks our dear Amalah has eaten a few of the sugary crumbs of death herself...

Or, the sleep deprived thing...they seem to have the same side effects...

Amy H

FACT: Brown bears are the best bears.


Yeah, you DO need sleep. ;)


I bribe my boys with Snickers so they will let me cut their hair.

I'm just sayin'...

(Except his hair is too cute! Don't cut it. Yet.)

Burgh Baby's Mom

You really need to drink some of that Starbucks that people are throwing at you.

Note: I'm not throwing any because my kid usually sleeps like that, too. Isn't it great (except when it's not)?


The bear! The hair! What a dollbaby. And also, great stuff about trick-or-treating on the last couple entries. It sounds wonderful.

By the way, there's a DC playdate brewing ... I'm looking for your email address to invite you!


My three-year-old has been having nightmares about bears also, but he doesn't understand that they are just he is now convinced that a bear lives somewhere in our house. He tells me frequently that he can't go to bed at night alone because the bears will come and eat him. It's driving me more than a little insane.


Hey do you have any of those cool barber shops where they sit on animals whilst getting their hair cut? (not abears though, definitely not abears).
Or is that something they just have on tv?


Um, can you always be tired, because this was the funniest thing I have read in a long time? Thanks.

What an adorable trick-or-treating story...I wish I got cute trick-or-treaters that were overjoyed about the gifts I bestowed on them. I always get the snarly ones.


P.S. I'm voting for you :D


Sorry to hear about the nightmares sister used to love Cookie Monster by day and become irrationally afraid of him at night. Of course her room was decorated with Sesame Street stuff, so every night the whole family had to go through and make sure that every Cookie Monster was covered or taken out of the room. Yeah, that was always fun.


When I was growing up my mom and my older brother would both get night terrors if they ate chocolate before bed. Is it possible with halloween that he's having a weird reaction to having more candy than normal?


Dude, you're kicking major butt at the Bloggy Awards thing. I just voted for you and you're at 30.9%. Whoo hoo. Rock me, Amadeus!

Barbara B

So the monitor steaming breath, that is coming from me. 11 months old and still waking 2-4 times a night, demanding a bottle at least 2 times a night.

I calculated that I have not had a full nights sleep in 16 months.

But the cuteness makes up for it.


Wait. I want to know what kind of ant traps you are using that actually work.

gina in sc

love how you tied it all in at the end. woohoo!!

hope you get anap.


I wonder if anyone's ever told you that you are pretty funny? You could even write a blog if you wanted. Cuz yer funny.


My 23-mo-old?... still hasn't slept through the night. So including my last trimester, yea, I don't even want to do the math. Too depressing. And to make everything even more exciting around here she's started having night terrors (kind of a cross between sleepwalking and nightmares, in that she's screaming and incoherent and not 'with it' enough to calm down). Try that with a full time job!

I voted for you anyway! Way to rock the Weblog Awards!


Mommies don't sleep. At least I don't. I am unhappy about your sleeping child. Only because I'm jealous, my child doesn't know what sleep is.


Haaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha! I *heart* you...and not in a creepy stalker way. I mean that like you-make-me-laaaaaugh!!!!! sort of way.

And! Your little dude is ADORABLE! And not just to bears.

Lisa M

Slapping you in the face with your hand and saying "hand"?! That is so sweet!! He'll love it when he's 16 and you're telling his girlfriends about that moment:)


I would throw my cup of Starbucks at you but I am too tired to lift it. I couldn't even process the bear part of the post, because my brain is spinning with the wonder of the sleep scene you've got over there.

Our son requires a full police escort into sleep each evening and also at naptime. Also, once he has arrived at sleep, you then have to stand there and hold him in place, much as if you're gluing something to something else and have to press the two things together until the glue is dry.

Please post everything you have ever done with Noah since the day he was born and everything you and he have ever eaten and all the secret accupressure points you know about that have created this thing of beauty, this temporarily up-ended sleep routine of yours.

Shoo, bears.

the bee

He is precious. Even his bedhead is better than my regular hair .
Fruit as dessert ? Enjoy it while it lasts.


Well, at least Noah doesn't go around pointing to black people and calling them bears like my 2 year old does. Let me tell you how embarrassing THAT is.


Maybe he will have a career like Stephen Colbert. After all, he's petrified of Bears, too! And his last name is sorta like your maiden name! So maybe one day, Noah will be famous and I can all be like, I remember when he was just a little baby!! Or something like that.

Sorry about your lack of sleep lately. =( Hopefully the bears go away or end up playing trains with Noah in his dreams and you can sleep again soon!

The Muse

Noah is definitely starting to cross into Ryder Russel Robinson (Kate Hudson's son) territory. Not that it's not undeniably adorable, of course!

But unless you want to have strangers questioning why you don't dress your little preshus in pink and flowers and butterflies and things that say "girl power!" I'd go with the haircut. (Not that dressing a boy in pink is a bad thing, of course!)

Katie Kat

Ha ha! Just last night Bethany was having a FIT because she wanted "ICE-CEEM" for dinner instead of the wonderful (frozen) meatloaf and green beans I had lovingly prepared. This has been her new "thing" lately -- insisting on ice cream for dinner to the point of an actual meltdown (no pun intended).

AAAAAANYWay... we (being the steadfast, wonderful parents we are) did NOT give into the ice cream request, and then, in a moment of utter desperation, I convinced her that the fruit cup I gave her was indeed dessert. See how I did that? The fruit is in a similar cup to the ice cream cup, so she was all "Oh, yah, sure that makes sense."


Oh, and the ant thing CRACKED me up. The guilt! Oh my...


Take a nap with Noah. That way he won't become ABEAR treat. Win-Win. Delicious he is--moreso every day.


Dude, Noah is precocious. He has discovered the delightful humor of "STOP HITTING YOURSELF" at the wee age of two. Congratulations.

Lisa V

I want to know about the chamber of death ant traps. We are crawling (snicker) with ants. And our chemicals don't seem to be working.


Sorry you guys are feeling sleep deprived, if it helps at all you made me laugh at your expense.


I'm with Nosaby & Lisa V--you had me at "ant trap." What kind?? I'm looking for a way to kill ants that will hopefully not also kill, maim, poison or otherwise harm my cats, dogs, or my son (not necessarily in that order).

Please tell us! Thanks!


I slept for a total of 10 hours last night, and I was STILL TIRED this morning. Something is wrong. Maybe the weather?
I am very impressed by your ability to fall asleep in the middle of a blog post, though! Truly.
I really love the ant traps bit, by the way. Gold.
P.S. Noah = cuteness. He should be in the dictionary!


Son #1 was up for an hour between 3:30 and 4:30 this morning, and very accusatory when I dared suggest we go sleep in our beds rather than on the family room floor. Then son #2 was up at 5:30, having gone to the bathroom and having trouble with his pajama bottoms. Then his stomach hurt and he complained when I only let him in bed with us for about 5 minutes. Then everyone was up at 6:30. YAWN! But #1 apologized for keeping me up, and #2 has given me all his orange Skittles today, so all is forgiven.

Leaf, probably...

Wow, theres a whole lot of higher reasoning going on here - with the bears circle andthe ant traps. Not bad for someone who fell asleep and drooled halfway through the entry.

The comments to this entry are closed.