#1 on the Threatdown: BEARS
You still have 45 minutes to knock this blog out of the top spot at the Weblog Awards, and I recommend that you go do that.

How Many Storches Does It Take To Screw In a Light Bulb

I somewhat randomly met a long-time reader recently who immediately wanted to know about The Tire. (Which is admittedly better than wanting an update on my menstrual cycle.) (HATE. THERE'S YOUR UPDATE. BUCKETS OF HATE.)

Where is The Tire? And what was the deal with The Tire?



The Tire is no longer in our basement or foyer or being used as a festive centerpiece. It is, believe it or not, actually on Jason's car. Enjoying the open road, freedom and the Japanese auto industry dream.

The deal with The Tire was simple: Jason's car only has room for a patch kit in the trunk. So he went and bought The Tire on eBay so he could also have a full-size spare. He rolled The Tire into our foyer. And left it there.

He said he might just go ahead and replace one of his current tires -- he thought it had a leak. This was the story for...a couple weeks? I think?

Img_5649 If your tire has a leak you should replace it, I would tell him at least once a day. I know how you drive. You're going to have a blowout and lose control and die. Replace the damn tire and get it out of the foyer. Nag nag nag. Also, get some more life insurance.

Then he said no, there wasn't a leak after all. He was just going to keep it in the attic storage for awhile. And yet the tire stayed in the foyer, occasionally drifting closer to the stairs, only to roll back to the foyer anytime anyone wanted some booze from the liquor cabinet.

Please put the tire up in storage, I would tell him at least once a day. It smells funny, and Noah is starting to crawl and wants to touch it all the time. Get the damn tire out of the foyer. Nag nag nag.

(Some people might just finally lug The Tire up the stairs and into storage their own damn selves. I do not believe these are the type of people I could be friends with in real life.)

So I posted photos of The Tire online, hoping he might be shamed into moving The Tire.

Img_5521 He didn't even notice for at least a week. And when he did, he carefully read all the entries and comments and said that since everybody seemed to love The Tire, it needed to stay in the foyer. Where it could continue to be loved and photographed, and hey, Amy, when you pull down on your face like that I can totally see under your skin into your eye sockets. That's cool.

Anyway. That's my marriage and welcome to it. 10 years next August, folks. Send wine.

The Tire was still in our foyer the day I interviewed our real estate agents. They wandered around the condo, making suggestions for decluttering and depersonalizing the place before going on the market. They stared silently at the tire for a few seconds, wondering if they needed to state the obvious.

Img_6949 Eventually, The Tire ended up in a rented storage unit for a few months before coming home to sit in a new foyer. And then Jason put it in the basement for Valentine's Day. And there it stayed for many months, until Jason ran over a nail and lo, The Tire was called into active service.

Thus ends the saga of The Tire.

Thus begins the saga of Light Bulb Watch 2007.


This is the ceiling fixture in our living room. I don't like it. Jason doesn't like it. It looks like the eye of that thing that lived in the trash compactor in Star Wars (also known as a dianoga, and OH MY GOD I KNEW THAT OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD), which I actually wouldn't mind since I imagine the long neck would actually be adjustable and I could shine light somewhere else besides...straight down.

We bought a new fixture right after moving in, but blah blah blah drywall internal support male-female electrical bzzzzzt I don't know. We needed some special thing to do some thing and HOLY CRAP GET TO THE POINT.

We have a new light fixture. We have all the necessary special things to install the new light fixture.

About a month ago the light bulb in the old fixture burned out. Jason said, whatever, don't bother replacing it, I'm just going to install the new fixture.



The light bulb is still burned out. I truly believe that replacing the light bulb will mean the new fixture WILL NEVER EVER EVER get installed, because Jason is a man of action only when things are actively pissing him off. But this also means I'm the one left explaining to guests why our living room is so dark and offering everybody flashlights.

So even though taking the cause to the Internet did not necessarily work for The Tire, I am trying again.

Just don't say you love the Eyeball Lamp. It really has no endearing qualities like The Tire.


(Some people might just learn how to install light fixtures their own damn selves. But these are just not my sort of people. Why waste all that effort that could otherwise be spent on perfectly good bitching?)

(Don't forget to vote everyday for your favorite parenting blog -- even if it's not this one. Especially if it's not this one.)

(I can't help it, people. I got a couple emails from a couple of my favorite fellow nominees who were all, IT'S ON, BITCH, and then I got all twitchy and competitive and threw the Monopoly board at their heads and challenged half the Internet to a crate race.)



dude. that is the ugliest light fixture ever.


Hey! I have a new light fixture under my bed! For a year! It should be in the bathroom...you know, being pretty and slighly less bulby than the old one. ::sigh::


Gawd - that is absolutely hideous!!!


Oh, the things like that in my apartment. Three shelves, still in the box, that I haven't bothered to put up. An extra patio chair that sat on the sidewalk outside my door until my friend came to visit and rearranged my patio so it would fit. Oh, and the fact that, seriously, I still have those little bar-codey sticker things on half of my stuff from where I moved. It's sad.


WE have a light fixture that is sort of like a disco light, flashes on and off and never do al the bulbs work at the same time, it is like a disco light in a probably dangerous way. Your light fixture looks a bit innocent in an ugly way.
JASON! Fix the damn light...there I nagged for you so you can take the day off and eat some chocolate, much better use for a mouth than nagging. What are friends for after all?


Too funny...kind of reminds me of that episode from Everybody Loves Raymond, except it was over a suitcase, at the landing on the stairs..neither one of them would move it...etc, etc..


We had some wall mounts for hanging up guitars and the BF kept saying that he would put them up and never doing it. I finally had to ask my Dad to put them up for me. Of course, I had to bug *him* for about 3 months, but he finally did it. After we got the guitars up on the wall, they both said "wow! that looks great!" *smacks forehead repeatedly*


I'll tell Jason how horrible the light fixture is and pressure him to change it if you tell my husband how nasty our "chandelier" is and make him replace it with the lovely one currently residing in my sewing room which makes it impossible for me to get to anything in there and so it's NOT MY FAULT that the room is such a mess, it's HIS.



Awww, the Tire!!! Long may he live on Jason's car!

Good luck on the light fixture. I'm thinking off the top of my head (being too lazy to back-click) but doesn't the experience with the Tire mean it'll take 18 months to get the light fixture done?


Wow, that really is a godawful light fixture.

Jason, seriously. This is the Internet, telling you to put up the new light fixture. We can't suffer through another post like this, dude.


oooh! I vote that you poke the eyeball. Then it will be really broken and he'll have to fix it... maybe...

Kim in MT

Dude! Public shaming of husbands via the internet! Genius! Why didn't I think of that?


I just went and voted (again! I'm voting so often sometimes it won't let me vote because it's less than 24 hours) and I am a little concerned about that upstart Notes from the Trenches person. WTF? If they win, I'm complaining to Katherine Harris.


I remember that pic when you took it (Noah). Seems like yesterday!

Burgh Baby's Mom

There are many, many tires in my house (OK, not literally tires per se, but the same sort of thing where something is just sitting, for no apparent reason, where it doesn't belong and will NEVER LEAVE). Public humiliation doesn't seem to work on my husband. Threats, on the other hand do. I prefer threatening to withold sex because that is obviously a great thing to do for a strong marriage. It's mature, too, and I like to be the adult around here.

Jason, fix the light. Don't make your wife get creative as she tries to figure out how to make you do it.


Remind me to tell you about the time Doug decided he could install a ceiling fan himself and started an electrical fire. I have a good electrician now. I reccomend calling them.


I was looking at snorg tees and saw this and thought of noah and his abears!


I was looking at snorg tees and saw this and thought of noah and his abears!

Someone Being Me

At least you have a new light fixture waiting patiently to be installed. I am still waiting for the green light to purchase a new light fixture for my guest bath. It took a solid year of nagging to get a new front porch light. Don't even get me started on repainting the master bath. One could say I could do this myself but since I was told I do not know how to paint "correctly" I will let the "master" do it.


OK, The Tire = Teh Funny. The light fixture = The Ugly.

The crate racing post is one of my favorites. Because why have I never had a job like that?


That light fixture reminds me of old skool roll-on deodorant.


LOOK AT THE BABY! I can't believe he's all big and head-headed these days. It goes fast.


Was that convincing?


Or ya know, I meant "bed-headed" evidently I'm bad at typing.


Here's what you do: "Hon, don't forget the handyman is coming tomorrow morning." "WHAT? WHAT HANDYMAN?" "The one who's going to install the lamp." "What! I'm going to install that!" "Oh, no hon, I don't want you to hurt yourself." And then his penis will stretch out in all its injured pride and replace the fixture all by itself. The end.


I'm not sure I would say I liked the fixture even if you asked me to. It is really unappealing. But in your spare time you could get out some paint and put a pupil and iris on it. Then either the new fixture will get installed or you will have a unique conversation piece. (win-win situation, I say.)


Yikes, tell Jason that if he doesn't change the outlet stat I will never read this blog again! Okay maybe isn't that good enough leverage but damn, that is one ugly light fixture


I've been waiting for a year for a bathroom fixture to be installed. I think it's a guy thing. If I could do it myself I would but it involves cutting through steel and I would most likely cut off a finger.


Eyeball? Huh. I was thinking nipple. But hey, whatever floats your boat, right?


I vote for YOU every day!!! Come on peeps....saddle up....no ONE deserves this more than you....have you checked out the "results"....leading girlie...leading.. You make me laugh, think, and ok some tears...but I love ya A....like a sista....


DUDE, light fixture is FUGLY, Jason...get to it!

I don't if it's a good thing, or it just means I waste too much damn time on the internets, but I don't even have to click on your links to past Amalah entries anymore..I know "crate race" without having to look...and the "fucking geese" from the other day...


You know, it's funny you posted this...because I was just pondering the whereabouts of the tire the other day. Weird.

Also, is this a new picture of Noah? I hate to tell ya babe, but that's a Republican cut! ;P


Yeah. Who did you buy your house from? Um, eyeball fixtures like that are meant to be put in a place where you want directional lighting. i.e. about 1-2 feet away from the wall where you have a nice piece of art that you want to spotlight. Right? They're not meant to be the main light fixture in the middle of the ceiling. So get on that Jason! It looks ridiculous!

Chef Lori

I'll come fix your light fixture Amy. =)


I will totally send you wine for your 10th Anniversary if you totally send me wine for my six month anniversary (March 8th, 2008). (We prefer red. But we'll drink anything.)


Nic (bridehood revisited)

See, you're a better person than I am because I would have posted to the internets to provoke him, not shame him, by saying: "Guys, Jason swears that he knows how to replace the not only fugly but randomly placed light fixture but I honestly don't know if he's capable of taking on such a complicated electrical task."

Lisa M

I am the Queen of Ignoring Things In the House. About once a year, I have huge freak out session and get all the broken things fixed. And then I go back to my blissfully ignorant self and ignore ignore ignore. Good luck getting that light fixture replaced!


My first thoughts when I saw the picture? "Why does her ceiling have a nipple? And where's the other one? Don't nipples generally come in pairs? Mine did..."

Account Deleted

Thanks for the tire update Amy :-)

One thing that might work for the light fixture is go buy something to replace it. Don't worry about whether it can actually go on your ceiling, although be sure you like it in case.

The expenditure of actual cash often prompts installation behavior in spouses. If it is the wrong thing, he will NEED to return it for the right thing. etc.


OMG can we TALK about the stack of laminate flooring that my son got his first goose egg on, that we called "the buffet," that permanently dented the carpet where it was stacked FOR TWO YEARS? That we LAID LAST WEEKEND?

I feel you, sistah.


Hmmm...sounds strangely familiar. Wait, my house, no, couldn't be, but then, no (okay, yes). And my parents' house when I was growing up. Glad to see I'm not alone, thank you.

Regarding the electrical fixture. There is electricity in there. And you have a toddler that needs his mommy, so no, I vote you don't try this at home.

Hire yourself a professional, he'll have it done right in no time. And believe me, there is no substitution for having the job done right. (I might just have a ceiling fan on a dimmer switch that spins oh, so slowly when the lights are dimmed, so yes, I speak from experience. So in the summer we either die from the heat without the fan or from the lights on full blast so we can get some air circulating.)


Hmmm, well... let me tell you the story of a remote car starter. My husband bought it for me for our first anniversary (the romance, I know. It is overwhelming). We'll celebrate our 5th anniversary in a few weeks. The car starter? Still in the f'n package.


I hate that fixture, who on earth put it there? Jason should totally do something about it.

was that good?


...the eyeball lamp is totally creepy. it must go.


Dude, I hate to say it but I miss that tire.

And yeah, I'm still waiting for my husband to finish the DAMN HOUSE HE STARTED. Welcome to my marriage.

(Marriage can sort of suck.)


We have a hideous light fixture too. It is above our bed and looks like a breast complete with nipple or maybe the head of a penis with a nipple attached. We actually picked it out. But It looked good in Home Depot just not so good looking up at it from the bed.

I'm not sure what would be worse a eyeball in the ceiling watching you or a breast complete with nipple on the ceiling mocking you.

Good luck in getting your hubby to change it.

Big Mama

The tire had a certain charm, but the light fixture is just charm-free.


I can't help myself, I keep coming here multiple times a day to gaze dreamily at your lovely template. I need to get myself a site designer. Want to swap web designs? ...eh, I'm pathetic.

Trenches came from out of nowhere in the polls! I was sure you'd win the race clean - now it looks like there's going to be a raucous finish. Then there are the rest of us just scrambling not to be last. This awards thing is making me a LEEtle crazy.


The lack of light in your living room is making me twitch. Pathetic, but true. Would putting it in his path so he constantly trips over it help your cause?

Also, thank you for the tire update.

mama speak

I lurve The Queen's response. Umm, just a suggestion here; since it involves electicity maybe you ought to call a "professional". How much can it be?

We didn't put lights into our family room when we redid the kitchen (connected now). I do. not. know. why. We are just lame like that. My husband (the vampire) actually liked it that way. I FINALLY (2 years) got off my arce & called someone & it was so much less then I expected that I also got all of our bdrms (5), outdoor (2) and hallway (1) lights put in. (Also an outdoor ceiling fan & one in our bdrm.

So I am still not one of those people who will do it myself (used to be, got over it). But now, will drink wine w/you while we watch cute handyman change lightbulb!


The TIRE! *weeps* No more tire stories!



Dude... it looks like a nipple. A big white ceiling nipple. Gross.

We got a new fixture, to replace the live wires hanging out of our ceiling, because the previous owner s TOOK THEIR CHANDELIER, it took us over two years to install it, and my inlaws promptly declared that they hated it and that they would buy us a new one. Every so often they ask if we've replaced it. Ha! As if we'd do that before the bulb burns out...


Amy, I am an architectural lighting designer and "as an industry professional," I officially implore Jason to replace that god-awful "eyeball" fixture as soon as possible! (There, does that help your campaign? I hope so.) It's not hard to do as long as he remembers to either shut off the power or buy life insurance first! ;)


It's completely unfair that you talk about this new light fixture but don't include a picture of the new light fixture. I believe that makes this an incomplete post.

(you're still my favorite blog though)


That is one butt-ugly light bulb/fixture/thing in your living room.

Maybe if I start posting more about needing a vent in the bathroom it will get done?


Unless I am reading the graph wrong, it looks like you are kicking everyone's ass in regards to the best parenting blog! It was a toss up between you and Dad Gone Mad...but I chose wisely :)


Oh, I am going to miss the random tire updates, especially the ones with Noah in the tire pictures. SOB.


FWIW, I can't be friends with those kinds of people, either.


light fixture? who's looking at the light fixture? I'm looking for Noah's hair!!! his head is perfect!


OK, it's heinous. Heinous!

And my husband has the same "issue". If it's on FIRE he's all on it. If it bothers ME, it can wait til it catches FIRE.


I think you should take the people who would lug THE TIRE into the attic themselves and lock them in a room with the people who would learn how to replace THE LIGHT FIXTURE themselves. Let's hope they don't reproduce! If we're lucky, their race will vanish from the face of the planet. Leaving us tireless and in the dark.


I totally feel your pain! We've lived in our house for over four years and I STILL have LIVE wires hanging from my living room ceiling. We've also added to the look and now have live wires hanging from the kitchen ceiling! They're high enough that no one will get electrocuted, except maybe my husband, but that might get his ass in gear...(plus they have those attractive wire nut things on the ends) but it's a little embarassing when people come over!

P.S.--I think we live parallel lives...your Thomas Track posts are SO TRUE and SO HILARIOUS! I will totally keep voting for you!


You're right. It's asymmetrical, boob-like, crappy, disastrous, effete, fugly, gross, horrendous, icky, jarring ...

Jason, if you don't fix the light, I'll go all the way to Z. :)


That eyeball is going to give me nightmares


bwaahahahaha snort and glee. Thanks for all the links to older posts. I hadn't gotten to some of them after husband's blog-reading intervention of July 2007.


Jason! Fix the damn light!

Also Amalah, try your competitive skills on this one: www.freerice.com.


Oh lordy. I am already having problems like this and I am not even married to this guy yet.

I wrote all about it today, and I know that you want to read it but won't get the chance to, so I will summarize it like this-

Boy drinks lots of beer- hole appears in door- hole stays in door 3 months- boy buys things to fix door- door still has hole. The end.

PS when I saw the picture of the tire it made me laugh and wonder what happened to it.
When I read that it was in service I started to sing "BORN FREE" in my head. :)
Yea Tire!


Jason- Please- for the sanity of all mom's out there- do this thing for your wife. You will be a better man for it.


Officially the cutest picture involving a tire EVER.


Do you have a handy father in law? Because that's the only way things get done at my house. Invite FIL over. He starts fixing things. Husband gets all (macho? guilty? competitive?) motivated and begins trying to keep up.

Vaguely Urban

I'd been wondering about The Tire. Thanks for the scoop. Also, I voted me some Amalah.


So I'm a new reader who was referred over here and just got done reading all your archives (because I'm OCD like that) and just as I'm finishing up I think "hmmm, wonder what happen to the tire" -- you read my mind! Thanks for the update!

Nic (bridehood)

Also, Amy, would it be possible for you to go up there and decorate it with eyelashes, let's say?

Obviously I'm not mature enough to be around construction paper.


I totally sympathise with you about tires and ugly lights... My husband installed our ceiling fan crooked and for 5 years I have listened to the damn thing go whomp whomp. One day I read on teh internets that if you put pennies on the blades it will level them and stop the noise..teh internet peoples forgot to say though the pennies must be glued down to fan blades...FYI pennies can fly really far when flung off a spinning fan blade!!!


Nothing too pretty about any overhead light, in Bossy's opinion. Have him cap it off and buy a great moody lamp.


My parents had a 5-year silent fight about the chandelier in the dining room. Dad wanted drippy crystally thing and mom wanted simple brass fixture. Bare wires hanging from the ceiling my whole childhood and i never knew anything was going on. Ah, memories.

Miss Britt

You know you coooould give a very detailed explanation about how Noah tripped on something in the very scary unsafe dark living room and he was crying and sad and thank GOD there is no bruise - but it was close.

Because guilt is always a good motivator.

(Not that I would ever ask one of my children to fake an injury to get something done. Ever.)


I love that you call it "The Tire".


I've missed the tire.
I feel no love for the light fixture.


But do you really want everyone insulting your light fixture? I mean, it sounds good in the way of indirectly nagging the hubs into changing it, but... after the first 20 or so comments of "what an Awful piece of crap light fixture!" I'd start wanting to redeem it somehow.
Anyway....you are totally rocking the weblog award competition! Go you!


I don't advocate this if you're happy in your marriage, but I got divorced and in the first month he was gone, I fixed/took care of/hung all the crap he was going to get around to after this commercial was over. My bathroom, bedroom and dining room are fabulous now. My second idea is to have a party because nothing prompts me to get cracking on home improvement like having people in my house judging the way I live.


I'm not even nominated and got all competitive with the voting. I was all, "Oh YEAH? That site is not the site I'M voting for and yet its bars are rising? WE'LL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT.


The light scares me and I don't like there...Maybe Noah thinks it's ABear's eye! lol


Yuck. That thing looks like a big ol' pus-filled pimple. I agree that you should attack The Male Ego by assuring him that he is NOT capable of fixing it himself and that you'll just call "a professional." He'll fix that thing in a heartbeat.


Um, am I being overly paranoid in thinking that some of those asides were about my comment on your Fall Shopping Guide post? (Which I admittedly wrote while a bit tipsy, and only read your response to just now?) Because... I'm sorry. And... Ouch. It's just a pet peeve of mine when women won't touch "man projects", and it feels empowering for me to be able to do so. And I really enjoy home improvement projects. I'm truly sorry you feel you could never be friends with someone like me, and that The Internet apparently wants me to go die in an attic. I think I'll go drink some more wine.

Jen @ amazingtrips

This is totally unrelated to this post, although a tire is a really nice look in a room. Especially if your car is on cinder blocks in the front yard and your family tree ain't got no branches.

It's too late at night & I'm too tired to create a typepad account and comment on your "other" blog re: the lubricant issue and robitussin (know which one I mean??), so I wanted to add my two cents, here. After having gone through infertility treatment for almost 10 years, I know that KY isn't going to impede pregnancy. For me, it took 3 rounds of IVF to finally get pregnant (with triplets, nonetheless) and when they turned 2, I found out I was pg "naturally". What's funny is that I wasn't even trying. Then again, who WOULD try to get pg when they have 2 year old triplets?! I wasn't taking robitussin. Or eating pineapple. Or, standing on my head. Or doing ANY of the things that I'd done in the past that are purported to "help" conception occur. I was having fun, using KY and WHAMO. My advice is if you aren't pg after a year (and you're less than 35), go see a doctor. If you're over 35 and not pg in 6 months, go see a doctor. There is no time to waste because the work up and treatment can still take YEARS. It could always be a male factor issue, which is something a lot of women don't even consider.


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My son (age 3) is interested in coming over to your house and playing with your tire.


I think it looks like a store security camera. Big Brother is watching the Storches! Call the ACLU!

Tell Jason the cool mouse with the shades wants him to install the new fixture already.

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