Yes, I Have Been At This For Two Whole Years
November 26, 2007
Noah finally had his two-year checkup today, because of reasons that had nothing to do with me forgetting to make the appointment, oh no no noooo, and you know what I did?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?
I gave him a sippy cup of milk. BEFORE his shots. BEFORE his blood test for lead. BEFORE the nurse started squeezing out drops of blood from his finger, one by one by one and then STAB STAB STAB in the THIGH THIGH THIGH* and yes, he screamed until he puked up the milk all over us both.
I had two (2) baby wipes with me. The nurse handed me a bucket and the paper towel from the baby scale and left, probably wondering why the hell I even bothered to show up, why not just send the fleet of nannies in, for all the practical parenting knowledge I clearly possessed.
Milk. I GAVE HIM MILK. Good God.
*Noah and his thighs are, by the way, only 28 pounds. He's gained 18 pounds in his whole entire life. I gain and lose that much every other holiday. The doctor has ordered Pediasure and butter, STAT.
**Hey, you know what else I did today? I looked out the peephole on our front door because Ceiba was barking, barking like HALP HALP WEEZ BEIN INVADED and I saw...branches. Branches! Like from a Christmas tree! Like someone had marched up to our door and left a Christmas tree propped on our stoop and oh hell, we did not order a Christmas tree, and who ORDERS Christmas trees, is that even possible, and what are the odds there's a phone number attached to that Christmas tree that I can call and complain about this unauthorized Christmas tree delivery? Or should I just keep the Christmas tree? I mean, we do need a Christmas tree. But stealing a Christmas tree? What's next, swiping mangers? BB gunning inflatable reindeer? Oh God, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this fucking tree?
It was like my own personal pile of pallets. For five whole minutes, which is when I opened the front door and realized I was looking at the Christmas wreath we hung up over the weekend. The end.
I'm sorry for naoh's shots. I used to make my husband take the kids because I couldn't stand it. Now I am calloused to their sufferings and take them myself. Also, my kids cry if they DON"T get shots. So that helps.
As for the free tree? This story is one of the many reasons I love this blog.
That's OK. I have three boys. Three. I should be good at this parenting crap. So you can imagine the look on my pediatrician's face when I told him why I was there with my youngest... to see if he had two tongues.
I can't even make this shit up.
BTW, he only has one. Hmm.
MH
www.undomesticdiva.com
Poor thighs. My 7 month old just got her (6 month) shots and looked at me afterwards like "I thought you loved me..."
Also- hi-larious about the branches. : )
It's been one of those days then?
MORE DESSERTS!! Stat!
28 pounds is huge! My little peanut is 5 1/2 and weighs 34 pounds - with all of his clothes on. Tall and skinny as a rail no matter how much he eats :)
We got a free Christmas tree once. It was propped on a fence and had a sign on it that said "free to a good home." Who was I to argue against a free tree?
Wow. Puke is my greatest fear and loathe, and I only wish I were kidding. I mean, really, who is actually afraid of puke?
Me. All aspects of it.
That major fear is the only reason I've made it through shots like a champ. Our son has autism, so painful things sometimes have a delayed reaction for him. He will scream about the being held down more than a needle, so he simply sits in our arms and lets whatever happen. Then later, over a reward Happy Meal he will spontaneously burst into sobs when he realizes that he was VIOLATED. With a NEEDLE or three. And MOM LET IT HAPPEN.
And I am LMFAO about the wreath. I have done similar things. Have some chocolate, it helps.
28 pounds...hmm...maybe I should stop feeding Avery so many crackers. She is 25 pounds at 16 months. geesh. Next thing you know I will have a bumper sticker that says "my child will sit on your honor student" DOH!
(also, went to Target and got some cute T-shirts thanks to your tip!)
several times today i have thought someone was standing in the doorway of my livingroom. you'd think i would've moved the darn shirt hanging there to dry by now.
I wouldn't worry about him being only 28 pounds.
I have two grown daughters. The first weighed 8 lb 2 oz at birth. At six months she was 19 lb. At a year 35. Today at 44 she is 5'11", 350 lb. and has serious health problems.
The second weighed 8 lb. 1 oz at birth. At a year she was 15 lb. Today at 42 she is 5'7" and 110 lb. Terrifically healthy.
Noah's just going to be one of those horrible people who never gain weight and is rail-thin all his life.
At least you didn't pass out like I did.
The wreath? too freakin' funny.
I would reckon 28 lbs at 2 to be pretty impressive: can't remember how much my elder daughter (now nearly 6) weighed at that age, but right now she's 44 lbs (for 45"). And her younger sister (who's 3.5) weighs an almighty 28.5 lbs (for 40"). And their doctor says they're both in great shape. And they both eat great. Maybe living here in the south of France makes them tall and skinny, or something? By the way, they were both preemie shrimps (both born at 8 months, the first weighing not quite 5 lbs, the second just over 5 lbs, both measuring less than 18").
I wouldn't worry about Noah's weight, he looks just fine to me. And at least there doesn't seem to be much chance of him having "issues" with obesity in life...
Oh, rotabega, I understand. I fear & loathe the puke as well, and I don't even have a kid yet. I understand there is a fair amount of puking involved.
Amalah, I totally thought of the Miss Doxie's pallet drama when I was reading this post, and then had to stifle my workplace laughter when I got to the part about the wreath. HEE.
Seriously? I did the same exact thing, except I spent 4 minutes trying to figure out WTF was outside my door.
And 28 lbs is underweight for a 2 yr old?
I guess my 23 month old is headed for anorexia at 25 lbs then, funny the doctor said he was fine for his height so unless Noah is 6"2 I bet you could go with the I can't believe it's not butter" still. ;)
KayTar is just now hitting 28 lbs at nearly three. We own stock in Pediasure. Okay, no we don't, but we SHOULD.
Oh, that's just funny. Because it's totally something I would do.
My doc suggested Carnation Instant Breakfast for my 20 month old. She's 20lbs. And been that way for 5 months. Except she might weigh more now. Who knows. You see I'm real concerned about it.
Um. Noah looks fine and healthy in all the pictures you've posted. Unless those are NOT of Noah, and are another child you're paying to portray him on the Internet, I'm willing to stake my entire collection of autographed Diana Gabaldon books that he's fine and dandy. I mean, I wouldn't withhold the butter or anything--my kids can go through a whole stick in one day--but i wouldn't freak out about him being malnourished.
Also, the tree thing? Totally something I would do.
Don't feel bad, the whole "peep hole" incident could have easily been done by me. In fact it is entirely possible that I still might have the same issue even after reading this post.
Oh, poor Noah! But Teo's 2-year visit was quite possibly only slightly better. There was puke (but not enough for a bucket). There was, however, lots of poking--and the poking went on over 2 weeks, since they didn't get enough the first time.
And Teo weighs the same as Noah--and is about the same height. No talk of pediasure at our end, though.
My daughter has always been a lightweight too and when I was still freaking out about it, when she was 1 or so, her doctor recommended cooking all her food in ghee. I know it sounds funny, but her veggies tasted great! I'm still a big believer in foods with high fat content for kids - good for brain development and all - and she still loves anything buttery...!
Oh God, the tree story has me in tears! That sounds exactly like something I would do! Lawd have mercy! Thanks for the laugh!
I'm sooo not worried about Noah's weight, at all. We saw one of the more neurotic doctors at the practice today -- not our regular guy, because of the aforementioned OH SHIT TWO YEAR APPOINTMENT lateness. He's below the 50% percentile, but not by much. Totally fine, in my book. (Since I know so much.)
She was just a little alarmed by his ribs being visible, but he's Jason. Tall and skinny no matter how much he eats. There are worse things in life, methinks.
(Vanna and her shirt comment are killing me, btw. I do that too. Usually I start petting a pair of shoes because I think it's the cat.)
First of all - Sorry you had to get shots today Noah!!!
Secondly, let me tell you a little story. My son was born weighing only 5 lbs 15 oz and lost weight quickly. He was premature so he had no sucking reflex, so - no desire to eat. It was a battle his entire childhood. He never even made it onto any of the percentile charts for kids. Hell, at 12 years old he only weighed 57 lbs.!!!! Should of still been in a car seat for God's sake. lol. I'm not joking. The docs were like, feed him pediasure, xtra deserts, food etc. I worried, but did not force the issue. He is now a normal-sized young man with a healthy appetite.
Guess what I am saying is - don't let the docs get you into a fuss about his weight - it will come in time - in Noah's time.
And by the way, the tree thing - that is something I would SO DO! lol
Poor Noah! Shots suck.
I have twins - total lightweights. They just turned 5 and the big one is only 36 pounds. The little one is just barely crossing the 30 pound mark. Not only can you see the little one's ribs but his chest is practically concave. But he eats like a champ and has energy for days. I envy his metabolism.
Scooter's 4 1/2 and 35 pounds if I'm being generous. He tends to be about 50th percentile in height and 10th-15th in weight--which is better than the "below 5th" that he was at around 2. I'm desperately hoping for another 6 or 7 pounds so we can finally get him into a booster seat--but at his current rate, we'll be lucky to hit that before age 6.
You are too funny. Your entry made me feel a tiny bit better about my week of projectile baby vomit, thrush, RSV, ear infections, and the stomach virus from hell. The week where me and my little one made 1 trip to the doctor, 2 trips to Urgent Care and spent 2 days in the hospital. Just so I can drop my son off at daycare today and have the teacher's tell me that they sent another kid home with RSV today. Yippee!
I feel you on the tree thing.
I just got glasses for the first time ever, and mine have not-too-thick plastic frames. This is fine, until I turn off the lights and am standing around in the dark. Suddenly the glasses become some unidentifiable and menacing object that is very close to my face and I start swatting around and whatever the hell it is that's trying to be all up in my grill. It *always* takes me a few minutes to realize that it's just my glasses.
Jojo weighed 24.5 pounds at his 2 year visit, and he hasn't gained an ounce since. I wouldn't worry about it. I'd more worry about the Christmas Tree Wreath freakout... lol.
Forget about the butter. We worry about an obesity epidemic and then load them with pediasure: the doctors never make any sense. My Ted is three, and is 27 pounds, and there's nothing to worry about. Really.
Except maybe the christmas tree.
My son only weighed 26 lbs. at his 2 year check up. Don't fret. They were worried when he was a baby about his weight because he just kept getting taller and taller and not gaining any weight. (He has always been 90% for height.) He is almost 3 now and still super long and skinny. I look at it as being ahead of the game later on in life.
We have gone through the same thing w/Michael. He's also really thin and take after his Dad. In fact, I think he weighed the same thing at his 2 yr. appointment.
Anyway, what I don't understand is even with all the childhood obesity they are pushing parents to fatten up their kids. Why is being thin bad? As long as kids are meeting their milestones and have no health problems why worry about it?
My oldest weighed 20 pounds at her 2 year checkup. I was all stressed to death, doctor's ordered visits with nutritionists and tried to get me to give her cream instead of milk. Albeit tiny, she was completely healthy. I didn't like the idea of pushing cream and butter and gravy just for the sake of making her gain weight- I thought that would set a bad precedent (had visions of her mainlining sour cream at age 16).
Now at age 9, she's still tiny, but eats all the time, plenty of butter, sugar, carbs... The kid is so active, though, and so she only weighs 44 pounds. Totally healthy to this day.
Noah will be ok :) So will you.
Pretty door.
We put the tree up this weekend and it scared the crap out of me this morning, all lurking and silent in the dark corner.
Made me think of Gerald's Game (Stephen King) when the woman was still tied to the bed after her husband had a heart attack during kinky, tied-up sex and had fallen off the bed and then a stray dog came along and ate his raw flesh and after that there was some creep in the corner and she thought she was hallucinating but months later after the whole ordeal was behind her she saw a picture of a serial killer who had just been arrested and she realized she hadn't been hallucinating after all because she recognized him. As the guy in the corner leering at her and her husband's dead body.
You know, every kid is different & does things at their own rate. As long as your kid is eating and is active isn't that all that matters?
Both my girls are skinny (especially the little one, who has never been above the 5% line and has spent a good deal of time off the chart altogether). But the dr. said she's never not gained weight, so it's the rate they're on, not the actual numbers. Damn I wish I had their metabolisms.
The wreath thing, totally done that before. Scared the crap out of myself.
BTW, yes they do deliver X-mas trees; typically to people who order very large ones (rich). They also set them up and decorate them for you, if you want. We have friends who own a Xmas tree farm.
Heh.
Sometimes I think you are just making this shit up.
:)
Tears in eyes from laughing at wreath story. So what I would have done. Damn Christmas tree bastard bandit delivery people.
BTW, I think my head weighs 28 pounds. Get out the spray butter and go to town! :)
Delurking to say that I have a 4.5 year old who weighs a whopping 34 pounts and I'm THRILLED. We did the pediasure thing, too, and the calorie boosting, but only b/c my son 'fell off' his weight & growth curve for a short while. Now he's back on the curve (at 5%, but whatever) and growing along his own curve nicely. As long as Noah is growing on HIS curve, that's all that matters.
I'll add to the many, many previous posters who reassure you that 28 lbs is just fine. My daughter is 20 months and weighs 23 lbs. She too has gained but 15 lbs in her lifetime - but she's been following the same growth percentile trajectory and my pediatrician says not to worry.
My 7.5 year old son started out small and skinny (6# 2 oz) and just now is he starting to fill out. I thought he would never gain weight, but I think it's the milk he's finally started to drink. We were in fact at the doctor today and I almost fainted when she said he was over 60 lbs. Wowsa.
Guess what I'm saying is don't lose hope. If Noah eats pretty healthy, try not to worry about it. He's totally fine (and cute too!!)
Oh, holy crap! That was greatness! I am so glad I am not the only one who does silly stuff like that! Love your blog!
I never would have thought that giving a child milk before a dr's appointment would be a bad idea. Will note for the future years. Thanks for the tip!
I love your geniousity. (I think I just made that word up.)
I was really thinking you were a great mom bringing a sippy cup to sooth him during the whole dr. visit. Didn't even think that milk would perhaps be a bad idea. Give me that mom of the year award please.
Were on the avocado and peanut butter diet around here trying to fatten up our little guy; wishing his mother had the same problem.
You were in the room when your kid got shots?
Oh you are so a better mother than I.
oh god, you are so funny. sometimes i don't have time to read all your posts, but when i do i am so glad because they are hilarious.
You already have plenty of reassurance about the weight thing, but I'll add mine anyway and 2nd (3rd?) the trajectory thing. Aside from the moment she was born, she has been at roughly 50% for height and 5-10% for her entire 6-and-change years. When I got a little concerned at her 2-yr appt, the doc said, "You're not exactly huge, yourself. Face it, she's going to be petite. Get over it and quit worrying."
My kind of doc.
So, listen, you're not exactly huge yourself, lady.
LOVE the wreath story. And, I'm SURE that I've given my daughter milk before shot appts. Never even entered my mind.
OMG, that is too funny! I can't laugh too hard though, because it took me THREE (3) hours to figure out that the reason my videos weren't posting was because I was pushing the wrong button. THREE hours. At least it only took you five minutes.
Um, I wouldn't have thought about the milk either. I'll have to remember that for next time!
Oh- and my nephew isn't even ON the chart anymore. He weighs 28 pounds and he turned 3 (THREE) in June. Noah could totally kick his ass. Not that that's important!
There is no doubt that shots at two are WAY worse than infant shots. At least for the parent.
When C got her shots she just SCREAMED at me, in anger, not pain, like she couldn't believe I would let someone hurt her intentionally. I have to take her back to get a flu shot and I just can't bring myself to make the appointment.
Also... she's two and a half and only weighs 26lbs...
Just under 50th percentile? Pshaw! My son was always at the 10th percentile; he ate reasonably well and was in fine health, and the pediatrician was never concerned, even when he freaked me out by weighing exactly 37 pounds for more than a year (really). He stayed skinny until recently, at age 23, when he finally developed a bit of a beer belly. (Well, beer will do that. won't it?) It was kind of weird to see a little meat on his bones at last. And his sister has always tended to pudgy. So, another parenting "Whatever."