Not McLovinit
Closer to Fine...

In the Meantime We Got it Hard

Noah's occupational therapy has been...not going well. To put it mildly. We've made so little progress -- OT arrives at door, Noah bolts, spends entire session wailing from under the dining room table because he. Does. NOT. Want. To. Ride. On. A. Towel. Christ. Almighty. -- so his therapist suggested moving his sessions to the EI center and enrolling him in a couple structured class-type things.

Today was the first of those structured class-type things. The Lunch Bunch, they call it. For kids with oral motor problems and sensory food issues. On paper, it sounds lovely -- a little circle time, feeding plastic food to a puppet, then setting the table and eating some lunch, cleaning up and a story. Every other week the kids make the lunch; other weeks you bring it from home. One food they like and another they don't, which they will then be encouraged to lick or kiss or even just to TOUCH it while putting it in the clean-up bucket.

So it's a lot of kids who eat crackers and shriek at the sight of lunch meat, basically. Our kind of people.

But...oh God. I don't even know where to begin. There are no words for how badly this class went.

Noah screamed. And screamed. And. Screamed. He screamed when asked to sit on a little chair. He screamed when people sang. He screamed at the puppet and he screamed at the plastic fruit and he screamed at the sink and the plastic plates and his apple slices.

He wept and clung to me and then smashed his head into my face. The little girl next to us was obligingly kissing her ham and the little boy next to her was using a spoon to eat some yogurt and before I could help it, I was sobbing too. Big fat tears that I couldn't stop or hide because hello! I am the biggest failure in this room and I don't know how to make him stop screaming and sit in the chair and my face hurts now and while I am really, really heartbroken over how hard this is for him, JESUS CHRIST, it's a fucking CHAIR that you SIT ON, WHAT THE FUCK.

I wanted to bundle him up and go back to the car, to hug him and tell him he never has to go back.

I also wanted to leave him there and go back to the car and drive far, far away from him and stay there for days.

Instead, we stayed. I pulled myself together and wiped up my mascara smudges while everybody kindly looked the other way.  Noah threw himself down on a mat and screamed some more. We managed to get him to toss his uneaten apple slices in the clean-up bucket, even though the reward for cleaning up (you get to go read a book! and sit on more chairs!) resulted in more screaming.

45 minutes and several burst eardrums later, it was over. Noah was red, sweaty and tear-stained and I was filling out a form that asked me to comment on the day's activities, which ended up being a lot of Not Applicables and HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAs.

We had a one-on-one OT session right after, during which Noah was an angel. Of course. He jumped on a trampoline and rode on a little car and rolled around in a pile of pillows. I sat there and couldn't stop the awkward, shaken crying as I struggled to tell his therapist that really, I swear to God, I'm a good mother. I discipline, he listens to me, we get compliments on his behavior from strangers, he's loved and happy, we just don't have a lot of structure to our days and I've been feeling kind of blue lately and my best mom friend is moving to California in two months and I just found out yesterday and I think I should go back to work but we want another baby but I can't get pregnant but God, I have no business having another baby, 20 minutes ago I was ready to slap the shit out of the one I already have.

(OK, I don't think I quite said all of that out loud. At least I hope I didn't.)

She told me it will get easier. That some kids are just like this, that we'll figure it out and get him used to structure and stimuli and other children breathing his air and daring to sing in his presence. That yes, clearly his sensory problems are affecting his ability to deal with life and chairs, but everyone here understands. They know he's struggling because their kids struggle too. They've all been that mother -- the one with the out-of-control wigged-out Jekyll-and-Hyde child, terrified that everyone is judging you and your bratty kid and why doesn't she DO something to MAKE him stop crying -- and anyway, her point was that it will get easier.  Some day, at some point.

But probably not before next Wednesday at 11:30 am in room C7. See you there. Bring earplugs.

Comments

Kelly J

Oh sweetie, would you like someone to come pet your hair for you and tell you it will be all better? I'll do it, just say the word!

Tara

Oh, Amy. . . I haven't been where you are, so I can't begin to fully understand it, but it doesn't sound like a fun place to be. But I do believe this: Noah is a great kid, you & Jason are great parents, and everything will work out just fine.

Jennifer

Believe them. The other parents DO understand and have been there. I hope it will get easier for you soon. My now 5 1/2 year old still wigs out over completely weird things that you can't explain to other people, but mostly she's good. She's a dream at school, but I lived through some incredibly hard times as well. Hang in there and sorry about the Mom friend. I just lost my best one too. :(

Colleen

Oh wow, Amy. I'm so sorry about all of it. Thanks for sharing this with us. Life can be so hard sometimes. Ugh.

Judy

It's okay to want to slap your kid. It's okay to get angry with people you love more than life itself.

I know this is frustrating. My boss/friend has a 2 year old who goes to a play group 2 mornings a week. Has been doing it for 4 months now, and every morning is still the child flinging backward onto the floor crying "nooooooo" and then refusing to participate in the activities.

I don't know. I probably was a bad mother, because I could not have stuck with it like she does. Like you are. You've got courage, Amy.

Kristin

Life can really suck sometimes. I hope that writing about it helped a bit. I wish you all the best.

Missie

It is not a sign of bad mothering to sometimes want to give your child away to gypsies.


And I am losing all of my mom friends, because I am the one moving to another state. I feel for ya.

I think we always think strangers are thinking worse of us than they actually do. Ya think?

heathabee

I'm def. not an expert, being that I don't have kids, but I just wanted to add my name to the list of your supporters! It was only a couple of days ago that you said Noah wasn't feeling well, so his being sick probably didn't lend itself to wanting to participate or be happy at the 'play group'. Man, sometimes when I feel sick *I* want to scream and cry at the thought of sitting in a chair and talking to other people. People suck when you're feeling sick!

The therapist is right, the other mothers there understand and have been there - heck, those of us 'out there' who don't have kids, a lot of us understand too! We know that you hate the sound of your kid crying as much -and more!- than we do!

Hang in there, Amy! He'll grow out of it!

jive turkey

Oh gosh. I'm sorry. I don't know anything about what you're dealing with, but it sounds really rough.

Kerry

:( Feeling for you both.

Abra Leah

I'm sorry, sweetie. Trust me, there have been times that I've said, out loud, "Goblin King, Goblin King..." :)

We all have those moments.

And as a specialist, I can tell you that the therapist is right - we all do understand. And, we've seen worse! :)

So, don't let it get to you. Just know that it's a work in progress and you and Noah are going to get through this.

psumommy

hugs.

beth

Oh, Amy. Hugs to you. I've been following you ever since before you got pregnant with Noah, and your journey has been an amazing one. I know at times like this it doesn't help, but look at all you've accomplished together already.

Hopefully there are some cool moms in the group you're attending now that can help you out - fun, concerned moms like you who are just doing their best for their awesome kids.

Hugs to you & Noah and prayers that an upswing is on the way.

paranoid

I'm so sorry things are so hard for you right now. I know there's nothing I can do except say that (1) you are a damn good mom, and would be a great mother to another child, and (2) every single parent on the face of the earth has wanted to sell their children to passing gypsies at least once. It's a completely human response, and doesn't make you a bad mother.

I hope things get easier for you, somehow, some way.

emery jo

You are doing great. Great great great. Great-y McGreat Pants.

So very great.

These struggles and hardships will bring beautiful things, I just know it.

thora

And I'm sure I can speak for all of us - we're not judging you here, either.

Muffy

First, a big huge hug to you because you stayed and got through it even though it was hard.

Next week will be hard too. But it truly does get easier. I struggled getting my son into structured activities (he's got sensory issues too) and our EI therapist just told me to keep at it.

What worked for us, was taking ME out of the equation. He wouldn't sit in chairs for me. He wouldn't even sit on my lap for a storytime. So I started sending him to a school program two mornings a week (8 kids - 3 teachers)- half the kids are typical and half have issues like my kid (or downs, CP, etc). It worked wonders.

If there is anything like that available to Noah, I really recommend it. He was sitting in chairs within a few weeks, drinking out of an open cup, playing near other kids (still won't make eye contact). He still won't touch/eat a lot of foods but he sees other kids doing it which makes him at least consider it.

Its so frustrating to have a child that isn't typical but he really is coming a long way so fast. It just takes time.

mswas

Ditto, Thora!

Melanie

I saw you and Noah at lunch yesterday (in Bethesda) and he was an angel and even cuter than his pictures. I desperately wanted to say hello and introduce myself but I thought that might be weird. Ironically I was having lunch with my best mom friend friend who is moving away too. There is alot going on this time of year so I am sure you are just more stressed out than usual and your patience is about shot.

Melanie

I saw you and Noah at lunch yesterday (in Bethesda) and he was an angel and even cuter than his pictures. I desperately wanted to say hello and introduce myself but I thought that might be weird. Ironically I was having lunch with my best mom friend friend who is moving away too. There is alot going on this time of year so I am sure you are just more stressed out than usual and your patience is about shot.

BaltimoreGal

Wow. You are a GREAT mom. Seriously. You handled it. What else can anyone ask for?

sweetney

love you. that is all.

Someone Being Me

I know it is hard today and will probably continue to be hard for awhile. But eventually it will end and he will sit in a chair quite happily. You will look back on these days when he is a teenager and go, I can't believe THAT stressed me out. Hang in there. You are doing a great job. It is very obvious that he is loved and cared for. As for going back to work, that is interesting. What are you looking at doing? If your life is anything like mine, you will go back to work and immediately get pregnant. It seems as soon as you start to move on to something then the thing you've been waiting on happens. Kind of like when your phone only rings when you are in the bathroom philosophy.

Karen (Misc Mum)

I can't pretend I know what you're going through, but I really am good with hugs.

Sending some your way, for both of you xxxxxxx (or is it 'ooooo'? I get confused Never mind, you get both!)

Jessica (aka Rose)

Just wow. That must have sucked big hairy donkey balls.
Your strength at not turning tail and running for the hills is inspiring.
You also have to imagine that some of those other kids have had those days, you just weren't there to see it. Next week it might be someone else's turn.
I'm sorry so many things are hitting you at the same time. It sounds like a craptacular week that needs liberal helpings of wine or Nutella, or heck, both. (Sorry. Nutella's my thing... maybe not so much yours.)

Great big hugs

Linda

I don't know if this is helpful, but when I was that age and a little older, my parents tried to bring me to things like ballet classes and gymnastics, and I would pitch the same kind of fit. I actually very distinctly remember just being terrified and shy and wanting to be anywhere but there. And my mom gave in to my screaming, because, yeah, hard to deal with, heartbreaking. But now, looking back, I wish she'd made me stick it out, because I would maybe not still be as shy as I am today, and maybe I'd know how to dance. You stuck it out. That was a gift to him that will pay dividends later.

anne nahm

Sometimes I think 'good enough' parenting simply means not killing and eating your own young. Not that you want to do that every day, or every month, or even every year.

It is just that when those days do happen, you are successful just to keep Slappy McSlappy hand in your pocket.

Hey:
Baby J

will give you a personal shout out if you like - I guess he heard you calling him by name.

Heather B.

I was nodding and ready to tell you that my heart really hurts for you right now and then I got to the part about your best mom friend moving to California and then my head exploded and I have a few choice words for that one. And I'm really hoping that you have some other best mom friend because now I'm all teary eyed.

Jen

My son was in the EXACT same kind of therapy. It took him a few sessions to get into the swing of it (eys, I ws once the mother with the kid that would not stop screaming) but once he got used to it it was great. My boy went from eating almost nothing to now eating a pretty good range of things.

Stick with it. It will get better and it will be so worth it. Know that even when you find youself thinking "When does he stop kissing the food and start eating it?" It's worth it.

Mrs. Who

I know this is all so hard to get through, but you are doing the right thing by getting him therapy and help while he is so young. I deal with children every day who should have had that kind of help when they were toddlers and now as elementary school age children, need much more extensive help. It will get easier and he will get better. You are doing a great job.

Kristen

You just broke my heart a little bit. Hang in there Amy.

Mouse

A bit of a broken record here, but it will get better. If Noah's sensory issues include transition/newness issues, as my son's (and my own) do, just getting used to the facility will take a bit. But once he does, I bet you'll see tremendous changes.

Kathy

I have nothing useful, I'm just thinking of you all.

Heather

Ah, Amy, I'm so sorry. That sounds really rough. He's a great little guy, and you WILL get this sorted out. Just hang in there! *hugs*

Shannon

He's still perfect.

Kyla

Amy, I so get this. For the first, I don't know exactly but it feels like SIX MONTHS in my mind of PT KayTar JUST SCREAMED. She screamed when she saw the therapist arrived. She screamed when she saw the therapist move. She screamed if the therapist looked at her. Forget actually doing any sort of therapy, we put on Blue's Clues and hoped she didn't have an aneurysm from all the SCREAMING.

But everyone is right, it does get better. It will get better. It will be a good thing. You aren't a bad mother. At all.

DeafED

Hi,
I really love your blog.
Have recently discovered blogging and always end up at yours (1 year old son sitting on my lap...who knows where the spelling and continuity of this will go).

I initially loved your blog because your son looks so much like mine. Blonde curls...happy face.

Operative word...happy face...any one who looks at his pictures on here can see that he is happy. Take a look back again. Through your tears and his,....you knew that you had a happy kid...well, not at that precise moment...you know what I mean.

I am a teacher of the Deaf. I have been signing for quite some time and teach in Sign. I commend you for working with your son as you do and I am rooting for another....you are a good mama...you'll make another babe just as happy as Noah.
My son is babbling which means he agrees with me.
Take care.
Thanks for your blog.

AmyM

Oh Amy. I can't relate to the SPD issue, but I can relate to the incessant screaming for no reason. And I most certainly can relate to the aforementioned wanting to "slap the shit" out of a child. You aren't alone, dear. Please know that. I wish I could hang out with you and I would listen to Noah scream and totally not judge you. So long as you didn't judge me for my kids still being in their pajamas. At supper.

Chantelle

Oh, you are a brave little toaster. My little one is still too little for me to know anything about the speech issues (although I am growing impatient for mama), but I know the incessant screaming and the desire to bolt all too well. Good for you for sticking it out.

Starbuck

I don't pretend to know what you are going through, but it still hurts to read about it. Sometimes you have to wonder what was going through his head. Maybe it had nothing to to with chairs and singing and apple slices. Maybe he knew where he was and what the point was and he knows he doesn't like being dragged around on a towel or having his face massaged with a duckie washcloth. Like when your pets go to the vet. They just KNOW. Was it the same lady that comes to your house? Maybe the sight or sound of her voice scares the shit out of him. I don't know. But I'm sure it will get better with time.

Georgia

Aw man, I really wanna give you a hug after reading that. Next time I see a little two year old and think "yeah, that's what I want!", I'll remember how lucky I am to be able to lock my cat out of the room when he's being loud.
xoxo

Leah

I'm just glad you were able to get a diagnosis and set up the therapy sessions when you did. The mothers in the OT class know what you're going through, and though it's a small comfort, it must be better to know you're among empathizers than to be out on some random playground with people who have no idea what you're dealing with. So yay for therapy. It's the place where Noah will learn to be better, and that's a good thing.

QueenBee

Poor guy. Give him an extra big hug for me, because he made it through that trauma. And also, give yourself an extra long bath, because YOU made it through that trauma. You're a great mother. Don't ever let yourself doubt that.

kelly

You are an awesome mom. This is hard, definitely, but things will improve. This too shall pass, you know? And, to repeat: you are an awesome mom.

BeeTee

That almost made me cry, too...because of all the memories that came flooding back of birthday parties where I drove home with sunglasses on so I could hide the tears from my 2 year old who had just been such a wall-to-wall handful. And I am here to tell you, now that he's 9, it really does get better. Honestly. I tell every mom of a 2 year old having a fit in public to hang in there because I was there and I can tell you it will not be this hard forever.

jody

Consider yourself hugged, Amy.

You know, sometimes this raising kids stuff feels like having your heart ripped out of your chest with a dull knife. The love and the worry is just overwhelming. You just want to fast forward to find out how the hell they turn out.

Hang in there and know that the internets are praying and thinking about you.

ali

Me: Gets frustrated with the cat when he wants to cuddle right on top of the very cerebral book I am reading. Wonders if I should really try to make the adjustment to having a kid who will be all the more demanding when I want to, you know, read, etc.

You: Mother of the Year for toughing it out, and sharing this with us (from moms, to future moms, to no-the-hell-way-will-I-have-kids), and doing what's best for Noah just by being his mom, however many headbutts and tear-inducing trials that may entail.

Sadie

Oi, Amy my heart goes out to you and Noah.

Monica

I'm really sorry. That sounds like a truly horrible day. Wish I could give you a big hug.

Val Cox

oh dear, that sounds very tramatic, you described the day so well. It must get easier, stay with it! Val

Tirzah

I'm sorry that you had a bad day, but like she said it will get better. Sooner than later I'm sure. I had to take my 2 year old to my daughters preschool class and during art time he threw a royal tantrum because I wanted him to keep his sleeves up. He did everything but throw himself on the floor...it was embarrassing!

One of the Amy's

You're going back. That right there is success. Take a deep breath and remember we've all been there - in some way or other.

jonniker

I'm so sorry. That sounds like a ripper of a bad day of the highest possible order. This is wildly inappropriate, and I'm not even the touchy-feely type, but I really just want to hug you and make you cake until it is all better, really.

tracey

Sweetie, if ever there was a spot that you can be yourself, that therapy group is the place. Those parents KNOW what you're going through. Their kids may have been through several sessions already, you may not have noticed the other kids that blatantly defied their parents as you were so busy with Noah, and next week, it might be THEIR child's turn. Or, it might be Noah again. But you'll make it. Yes, it'll be embarrassing and confusing and will wrack you with Mommy guilt over doing "something" wrong. But you didn't do anything wrong. Neither did Noah. He's a great kid that just functions differently. You guys will figure it out. Hang in there...

Sharri

I think so many of us have been there. It's so good of you to be honest with yourself (and in front of people!) and just cry. Holding it in won't do any good. I'm panic attack prone and I've found that feeling whatever it is I need to feel at the moment helps me get through it - rather than bucking up to look okay. You're an awesome mom and Noah is so lucky to have you!

kalisah

you know what they don't tell you when you bring them home from the hospital? THEY ALL HAVE SOMETHING. Some thing. This one lisps and that one won't walk on his heels and on and on and on. Everyone's got their thing to deal with. Some of them are more challenging than others.

The way I see it, if you got a more challenging one, it's b/c someone up there thought you were stronger than those of us that just had lispers.

Hang in there. You're doing the right thing and I promise you one day you'll be one of the parents whose kid is kissing their ham and some new mom will be there with her screaming child.

Jolie Steele

Amy, you are awesome. people keep saying this, and I know you probably think we're all "Your'e SO TOTALLY AWESOME" just because you know, you want to hear that, but I'm being serious.

it will get better.

p.s. <3 feist, if that's what you were referencing, I assume.

Maeven

Mama Maev's prescription for the blues:

1. Put Noah the todalah to bedalah

2. Cry buckets of tears if you need to. Let it out, it's okay!

3. Deep cleansing breaths.

4. Wine. or Hard Liquor. your choice.

5. Chocolate!

6. Cuddling and/or romance, assuming Jason can stand the sight of a drunk, snot-nosed, chocolate-smeared you, hehehehe

apart from #1, do those in any order you need to, repeat as required.

*HUGS*

redd

i can't imagine how you feel through all this. i *sobbed* reading this entry. you are not a bad mother. some mothers beat their children and smoke crack and...kick puppies. you love noah, anyone can see that.
you are a wonderful mother who is doing the best that she can and you are awesome for it.
hang in there. it's bound to get easier right? right??

HeatherK

Phew. I've had many a "why can't you be like the other kids" moments in the last couple years. We've done food groups too and boy howdy those are rough! The therapists comment was right on. My oldest was just born sensitive and prickly for lack of a better word. 3.5 is much better TG! Sending a virtual cup of cocoa w/ many mini marshmallows.

JMC

Sorry you had such a rough day. Those kind of days always suck. If it's okay to ask, is the oral motor skills one of Noah's problems, or are his issues textural in nature? The reason I ask is I have a 14-month-old who gags and chokes on anything with any texture to it. She doesn't seem to know how to chew. The doctor said that there are specialists to help with that, and it sounds like they are the ones you are seeing for Noah. If my daughter doesn't start chewing by her 15 month checkup, we're going to be seeing them as well. What types of things do they do to help?

JP

Hugs. Please take a deep breath. Things will get easier. Hugs.

Laura

My son went through the same horrible screaming trauma at his speech delay play group. I think this kind of structured thing is particularly hard on kids who have moms at home and aren't used to being thrust into group situations. Hang in there. I think it will get better. He's lucky to have you.

Kate

I think the greatest thing to ever come from parenting blogs is the millions of women who know that ever living shit out of their kid sometimes.

Go snuggle in some maribou and try again tomorrow...what else can we do?

Amy

All 3 of my kids become total monsters before they have a big developmental leap. They'll be totally intolerable and then BOOM they're potty-trained or walking. I always tell myself that the worse the behavior, the bigger the leap at the end of it.

Good luck ! OT did wonders for my sensory-issue child. Just take it one day at a time.

vbd93

"I swear to God, I'm a good mother. I discipline, he listens to me, we get compliments on his behavior from strangers, he's loved and happy, we just don't have a lot of structure to our days and I've been feeling kind of blue lately and my best mom friend is moving to California in two months and I just found out yesterday and I think I should go back to work but we want another baby but I can't get pregnant but God, I have no business having another baby, 20 minutes ago I was ready to slap the shit out of the one I already have."
God, Amy, I have been there. Not with the same issue, but the same feelings you describe here. After 3 miscarriages in a year, I've felt so much guilt about having my own sorrow and not being 100% perfect in parenting my 2 year old day to day - both addressing his needs and enjoying his amazing two-ness. We just have to keep doing our best. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

toolazytoscrapbook

Aww, I don't even know you and I want to give you a big hug! I am really sorry today was so tuff, Amalah! (((hug)))!

amy

I'm so sorry. I know your heart was breaking for him. It sounds like you've found really good people though who will help a lot.

Kelly

Suggestion: have him sit on your lap and observe the others, discussing what they are doing; tell him he can join in when he is ready; don't push joining in, but keep your attention and his on the activities of the play group. Be patient.

Reason for my suggestion: 21 year old Aspergian son (junior in college!) who displayed the same behavior in speech therapy and preschool. I used to sit in his speech therapy room with his therapist quietly taking the lessons meant for him, while he watched (whimpering and with that occasional heartbreaking hiccup of grief)from under the chair in the corner. On good days, he'd come out after fifteen minutes. On bad days...not at all.

Truth: it got better. He hasn't hidden under his college desk even once in three years :-)

Hugs.

Danell

Oh my god..."obligingly kissing her ham"?? How can one not just CRACK RIGHT UP at reading something like that??
Thanks for your humor and for making lots of us out here not feel so alone.

Black Belt Mama

You also have to remember that he is two, glorious two. My daughter can be a complete angel one minute and the next, she's walking with both arms out in the Hallmark store, throwing cards on the floor, threatening to smash snow globes together and when I give her the look, she will throw herself onto the floor with no regards for her forehead. Only then does the screaming start.

I so understand how you felt. Every Mom feels that way when the kid acting different belongs to them. Speech delays or not, these things happen to everyone.

It will get better, because he won't be two forever. ;-)

Lisa

I am just here to hug today.

Stimey

I've had this day. Most recently about nine days ago when I was co-oping in Jack's classroom and all the other 4-year-olds were acting like four-year-olds and Jack was angry at everything and struggling with everything and yelling at everything. And I couldn't stop crying, for so many reasons. And it's so hard to be the crazy lady that's always crying at the school, but somehow I'm that lady. I wish I had advice for you, or it'll-get-betters, but I'm struggling too. But you're not alone. And you're a good mom and Noah's a good kid, and he's going to grow up to be a good adult. And parenting is hard, and life is hard, and some days/weeks/months are harder than others. Hang in there.

Michelle

It sounds like you have a great little boy with great parents. My suggestion is to just stop stressing it right now. Let him be the wonderful, unique, kid that he is. And you the wonderful mom that you are, without stressing if he's where some other kids are.

Kids develop at their own pace. And I've known plenty of 2 year olds that couldnt string 2 words together. He will learn, just at his own pace. He feels your stress and it confuses him. Let him enjoy his childhood. Just let the stress go and stop comparing him with other kids.

You've said you had family members that are very sucessful with simular problems... It is probably just genetic that he is maturing and learning language, and motor skills a bit slowly.

I know you are just trying to be a great mom. And I respect what you're trying to do. But I dont think it's necessary at this stage to stress so much about a small delay.

Stress may also slow getting pregnant.

Best of luck and health to you and your little angel.

Elisette

Oh Jaysus. I have a boy who doesn't have therapy and still there is frequent screaming and directions like "WE DON'T SING IN HOUSES" and going to a playgroup where he ahs been going for a year and KNOWS all the kids? I have to HAUL HIM IN KICKING AND SCREAMING. He'll be three in February. And we do have some structure and we see other kids all the time. What I'm saying is don't blame your parenting, but hell yeah, cry it out. ALL OTHER MOMS UNDERSTAND. And if they don't, they be bitches.

Exiled to Canada

Been there. Was there today as a matter of fact...well, not where you were exactly but inhabiting the same circle of hell. I had to pick up forms at the School district office today to consent to have my son evaluated for special needs preschool services (OT, Speech, etc.) when he proceeded to have a massive meltdown because I would not let him play with the entire, ginormous tub of toys they had there while I spoke to the Special Ed director. He threw himself on the floor, chucked his sucker across the room, and wept HUGE alligator tears. I was totally mortified and pissed at myself for being mortified, he's only 4 and he can't help it. But it's damned hard to have an adult conversation that includes all of the instructions for all of the forms and steps I have to complete to finally get him a full evaluation and some help. Sigh. Hang in there. Now off to find a stiff drink.

cagey

These are always the posts that get me in the gut. Always.

Hang tight, Amy. Hang tight.

sarah

I was directed here from a friend who suggested we might have a lot in common, and oh boy do I feel like I've just spent the last hour reading about my own life.

I'm right there in the trenches with you, girl. My little guy (2.5 years) is just beginning OT for sensory issues right now. It's been an absolute roller coaster. I'm seeing zero progress, though they tell me it's early. I want to just raise him in my little cocoon of a home where he'll never have to be upset or unhappy or deal with any of this crap. But of course, I make him do it all because I love him more than my desire to shelter him.

Man it sucks. And you are NOT the only mom in that room whose toddler has gone postal. All those parents know deeply what you are going through, and even though they are probably thinking, "Thank god that's not my kid today!" they know that it could very likely be their kid tomorrow, and they feel a deep solidarity to you.

Peace and strength, Sarah

Mrs. Flinger

Rooting for Noah. And for you. And the lady-who-knows-what-she's-talking-about with the "it gets better" shit. Because it will.

And goddamn, Amy. I heart you. With big smudgy "how can you make such a shitty thing sound so fucking hilarious" kind of a way.

Lisa

Please, please look at St. Columba's for preschool. Carol Kranowitz taught there for many years and developed the program. You will need the break and Noah will love it. You won't feel alone there.

I adore my son but he is going to preschool in the fall because I need a break too. OT, PT and ST - these appointments run our lives. Then when I try to do something fun, like take a 20 minute train ride at the RR museum, he screams his head off the entire time. WTF? Why are you scared of a train ride? Life is so planned yet so unpredictable - I'm afraid to do anything.

St. Columba's - really.

Madeline

I too, had the screaming child, who had to be carried in to the car screaming and flailing to go to FIRST GRADE, until we moved him down to kindergarden...again. He hated socks, gagged on foods, clung to me, and I sat outside his kindergarden class every day for 6 months so he would stay. He is a freshman in college now, and doing really really well, away from home, and getting good grades, and making a million new friends. So I say to you..this to shall pass!!!!! Just kiss the little blonde fuzzy head and know that you are a great mom with a great and special child.

sarah

I know I keep saying this, but your love for Noah is going to be the number one factor that makes things better in the end. You obviously love your son, you know this, I know this, your husband knows this, all your readers know this.I know I sound like a broken record but its true-hope it helps

Maria

(((((HUGS))))) to you and Noah!

cath kelly

How I remember the days when my youngest wouldn't oblige. How I had to tie her to me with a leash so she wouldn't run full blast into the security men with machine guns in Malaysia. How she screamed throughout a 12 hour night flight from Singapore with passengers also screaming Shut the F*k Up! That flight she dived and almost reached the emergency exit handle. Who knows what would have happened if she managed to grab it. You know what...she grew up to be a beautiful, crazy, genius of a young woman. 18 now, and still alive and kicking. Just remember each day how special he is, and then forgive yourself for the days you wish to tear his hair out after you finish with yours. It WILL get better once he grows into who he has to be. You are doing a wonderful job...but I will retract that statement if you make him kiss a ham! Good luck next week.

E's Mommy

I'm an EI teacher in that type of classroom. That's totally normal first day behavior! Every kid doesn't do that the first day but a lot of them do. I'm sure that none of the EI people or other parents thought you were anything less than a very caring mom. You're doing a great job by following through and bringing him to class and therapy even though it's hard! He will get used to his class over time and it puts you in a great position to meet other parents who've been-there-done-that. Keep up the good work!

Erika

My heart is breaking! Thank you so much for giving us the real deal on working with Noah and not sugarcoating.

Sunshine

You are incredibly brave. You may not feel that way, but you are. You're being a great mom.

Amy

Hi Amy!
I feel for you. I want to hug both you and Noah and put you in that car and drive it far far away for you.

Instead, I'll give you an open invitation for a play date anytime with me and my newly reformed sensory issue two-year old who hates chairs (but loves picnic tables) and only eats carbs. Anytime you want. If Noah wants some one to eat crackers with, Aidan is his man.

From another Amy who also lives in Maryland.

Bec

Amalah, thank you so much for writing about this process so honestly. I'm currently studying to be an SLP, and reading your blog has taught me a great deal about what it's like to be caught on the other side of the equation. All I can say is (like everybody else), hang in there. This is not your fault, and it's not Noah's fault. You're a wonderful mom, and he's a wonderful kid. It's just the way his brain is made. Everybody at the OT clinic understands this--you're in a safe place. You -- you!!! -- are doing everything you can, which makes you the superhero, not the villain in this story.
I'm sorry everything is so hard right now. You don't deserve it and it sucks. One step at a time, one day at a time, until you can get your head up again. And look at your comments: we're all rooting for you out here. Take care.

Candy

I can't say I 100% understand, because while my daughter was always a handful (a lot of clothing issues, but not so much the screaming about chairs) I don't think she would have been diagnosed with what Noah has.

But your therapist-person is right, if he's going to act that way he did so in the least judgmental place it's possible to do it. Because in the mall, those same mothers would totally be "shut that kid up already".

Liana

I agree with Bec - you are a superhero!
Also, LOVE. Lots and lots of it. (over 90 comments full of the love!) We know you guys can get through this- and we've got your back.

Kimberly

Hang in there. We all know you are a good mom and that Noah is a great kid.

alana

Amy I think this whole process is overwhelming and kids can sense mom and dad's nerves and feed off that so even though you pretend everything is fine kids KNOW they are not and his reaction is guess what... NORMAL

No assvise here, take a breath and relax for your health and your son's. Take care.

from: Your "online" acquantance that never sent your coach bag so you probably hate right now...

Mindy

Thanks for making me cry. At work. I've never been in your exact situation although I think I've had the feeling of wanting slap the shit out of my daughter - frustration is universal. I also just wanted to say that I've been the other person in the mall or at the grocery store rolling my eyes and thinking dear god why won't you properly control your monster. Posts like yours help me to remember that a person never truly knows just what is happening with that possibly sweet little monster and everyone needs a little empathy sometimes. So I'm sending some your way and promise not to shoot you with the stink eye if I ever encounter you. If you happen to wander way up north to a tiny town in the Canadian prairies, that is.

cursingmama

Being a parent is a tough job; parenting a child that is outside the norm is exponentially tougher. Nobody ever prepared us for this, and we never dreamed it could happen to us.
All I have to say is that if you grasp onto the happy times, forgive yourself (because I know of the blaming), and keep fighting for your child the toughness won't seem so much tougher than everyone else has it - just different.

Lisa

I'm so sorry you had a sucky day. My middle son doesn't have sensory issues, but visual issues where he suppressed (shut down) one eye when reading and didn't 'track and team' with his eyes properly. He's in 5th grade and I just found out this summer. His test results were incredibly low. We'd had him tutored in reading for years. Good news is that after 3 months, he 'graduated'. His eyes are working better, his reading has improved. He still has other learning issues, but it's improving. Basically, keep up what you're doing. Research options and trust that you are a good mom! (I doubt it being the stressful holiday season helped your emotions either.)

ollka

Oh, my. I'm so, so sorry, and I really hope the therapy helps. That's what it's for, after all. You're a great mother, don't let this get you to believe otherwise.

Dani

Oh honey, I am so sorry. At least you were in a place where all of the other parents should "get it."

We have the opposite issues with Jeffrey. He stuffs his mouth with whatever is in front of him and doesn't get the sensory input that his mouth is full. (Hello? You can no longer close your mouth.) He then screams and cries that we will not give him more food to shove in his overstuffed mouth.

It has taken a lot of time and tears and god help me patience. OT has helped a great deal! But it takes a long time. I'm sorry it's so hard right now. It will get better. Until then, lots of hugs.

Yvonne

Hang in there! It's so okay to want to give your kids away sometimes, even when they don't have the sensory issues Noah has! Things get overwhelming, it's hard. believe that things will get better hon, because they will.

Velma

I know you have heard it a million times, but he *will* get easier. They work you are doing with him now is so crucial, and in two years, you will look back and be so grateful that you suffered through it because he will be catching up and listening when you say "No" and going to school and just be a delight. I know, because I was YOU two years ago, and my Peanut got through it and it really did get easier. Honest!

The comments to this entry are closed.