This.
In the Meantime We Got it Hard

Not McLovinit

I am typing this in bed, but not the NICE kind of bed-typing (sitting up against multiple fluffy pillows in a marabou-trimmed dressing gown while everyone around you murmurs admiring words re: the strength of your will for blogging while consumptive). I'm typing with one hand while my laptop is precariously perched on one slightly raised knee; my other arm is wrapped around a snoring, sweaty toddler with whom I am currently sharing a nasty cold. His head is leaking fluids of various kinds onto my chest. There isn't a stitch of marabou to be found.

OK, that paragraph took waaaay to long to type (must I really use words like "precariously?"), so I'm going to attempt a Sleeping Toddler Slide-Off Triple Axel. Please hold.

***

Success! He's now dripping snot all over Jason's pillow. Outstanding.

***
Anyway. I've been wanting to post a thank you and acknowledgment for all the kind thoughts and crossed fingers you guys left on this post, but since so many of you were all, "Oh, but your sense of humor will obviously GET YOU THROUGH THIS," I kept trying to hide the extent of my true depressive funkitude about THAT WHOLE THING. The Internet thinks I'm plucky and resilient! I am a brave little toaster of staunch character! I am not burying my face in the bathroom wall tile and allowing myself a single melodramatic sob because Mother Fucking of Fuck in a Basket, it's almost 2008 and 2007 was supposed to be my year, man. The year of taking charge of my fertility (which...hmm, that's almost like...a book title of some kind?) and getting the baby-making thing done without the aid of crazy-making pharmaceuticals.

And now, in the process of avoiding Clomid or other fertility drugs, it appears that I have succeeded in making myself crazy. Amalah! FTW!

***
Two things to quickly change the subject:

1) The motor in my electric toothbrush died, and I sort-of panicked, holding the brush to my teeth and hitting the ON button over and over, like WHAT DO I DO NOW OMG, before it occurred to me that I could, you know, brush my teeth by MOVING MY DAMN ARM.

2) We rented Superbad, and while I like to think that I am an extremely creative and prolific user of the swear words, this movie made me feel like a fucking amateur. So much so that towards the end, when one character said something like, "You were taking a big dump and I caught a glimpse of your housing forms..." I turned to Jason and said, "Oh my God, is that what kids are calling it these days? I am so old."

Superbad Spoiler Alert!
He was talking about housing forms. Like housing forms for college-housing housing forms. He was not talking about his friend's genitalia.

***
And now we're back:

We're going to the doctor next month. I have no idea what protocol we'll end up with, but we're going. We're doing this thang up right and official. Jason is actually noticing other people's infants in restaurants and is like, awwww. Which for him means the baby fever is pretty raging. (Then I jump up from our table to stalk these infants' mothers around the restrooms,  all, "Can I smell your baby's head? Please?" so I think we're about even.)

Hopefully this will be the last time I mention my malfunctioning female housing forms for awhile. Thank you for all your kind thoughts and finger crossing, which OH MY GOD, I could have just typed that originally and saved us all a lot of trouble.

Comments

Sadie

Maybe you could just...steal a baby. Raising Arizona makes it seem fairly sensible!

but really, just good luck with everything. no assvice, no "stop trying and it will happen," no "it will all work out," no platitudes. Just, truly, good luck.

Missie

But why say in a few words what can take a whole bunch of paragraphs? That's my mission statement.

Sending happy babymaking wishes to you. Wait, that sounded really creepy. I meant, may you be happy making a baby..no, wait. That isn't what I meant either. Forget it. I am just going to send you some baby powder to sniff.

becks

poor noah.
you'll get there.

Ashley

I'm going to just wish you guys the best of luck and cross my fingers for you.

and if your second child is anywhere near as cute as Noah (and I'm sure he/she will be), i look forward to the aching of my ovaries when i see pictures.

Katie Kat

It's weird because hubby and I just got a letter in the mail about our popsicle kiddos (frozen embryos) and how they are due for payment if we want to keep them. I've been in a funk ever since because, while I know I don't think I can maybe go ahead and do this baby thing again, I'm sorta not absolutely sure... at all. I can't imagine going through it again (especially at 42 1/2 - and YES that half makes a big difference), but the thought of "disposing of" my pre-made babies seems so... weird.

And anyway - that really has nothing to do with what you're going through, except that I understand. Oh, and that last picture of Noah in the snow made me weep because AWWWWWWWWWWW, so fricking adorable!

So... go for it man -- I mean SISTAH. Go for it!!!

Love, your babbling weepy hormonal best friend in waiting... The End.

Natalie

"Hopefully this will be the last time I mention my malfunctioning female housing forms for awhile"

HAHAHAHA...I about fell out of my chair laughing at that line :)

Good luck with everything!!

anne nahm

Good luck!

AmyM

Awwww. Sweet, pretty Amalah. I hope you get pregnant soon. It'll happen again. I just know it will. I will it to happen, dammit. For you. Not for me. Because dear Lord, I'd have some 'splainin' to do.

Noah needs a baby sister. Or baby brother. Or one of each. ;)

The whole internet is pulling for you! Your pregnancy/breastfeeding/baby pictures is highly entertaining.

Tracy

OK. Let me just get this out of the way NOW, so no one else has to say it:
1.) Oh, just relax! You're trying to hard!
2.) You just need to go on a vacation. You know, cuz vacation sex makes babies faster than regular ole' home sex.
3.) It will happen in God's time - don't try to rush it.
4.) If you do it in positions 35, 24, and 89 (inverse), you're more likely to get pregnant!

Um, I can't think of any other good assvice right now. :-)

Marlo

Thank you for taking much time to type out "precariously"- and then telling us about it...because those are the kinds of things that keep me coming back and reading more. That and updates like this one, which, even if they aren't good news, they are news. And that's kinda how life is sometimes. Right?
*fingers very crossed for you*

Joy

Infertility sucks! Let's kick it's ass!

Rebecca

I'm a 4th med student going into OB/GYN (on the interview trail currently!! Ahhhh!), and anyway, I haven't done too much infertility (REI as the OB-world calls it) rotating yet, but I can tell you what our REI specialist usually tells people on a first visit: With intercourse, it's quality over quantity -- every other day (sperm production back at full staff by 36 hours or so) rather than 3 times a day. Also, if you go for any pain-killers, etc, stick to like, Tylenol only. Anti-inflammatories like Aleve and ibuprofen can hinder fertility slightly (not a lot, but sometimes just a little is all it takes for some people).

Also, just with what I've seen and heard other docs and parents joke about -- babies tend to come when you're either least expecting it or least prepared for it! So I would say definitely keep that appointment with your doc next month, but in the meantime, try to relax, enjoy spending time with Noah, and just have fun being intimate with your man!

If you've already heard all this stuff, or you don't wanna hear it at all, I apologize for giving unasked-for advice, but I thought maybe this might help other people out there, too.

I wish you guys the best of luck, and hope that wonderful things happen for you. I think any child would be super lucky to have your crew for a family!

dcfullest

I am sitting on my couch reading this as I marinate. I had my second IUI today at SG Fert (the big local one).
Here is what I have learned so far:
1. I am no longer a modest person. I figured this out when I realized I haven't known/remembered a single person's name who has performed my internal ultrasounds aka dildo cams this week.
2. Clomid is a tool of Satan.
3. Injectible drugs suck, b/c who likes being punctured on a regular basis, but are way, way easier on my mental state than clomid.
4. Clomid is evil.
5. SG might be huge, but they are very knowledgable. It is nice knowing they are open every single day of the year.

I hope this is my lucky cycle and yours comes soon.

Sarah

Here is another reader crossing fingers and thinking happy thoughts best of luck!!

My Buddy Mimi

I had to google marabou and ended up with "so that's what that stuff is called." To me Marabou is a brand of chocolate sold at IKEA.

Tamara

So, on one hand, I guess it is GREAT, wonderful, etc. to have thousands of Internet people rooting for your ovaries. But on the other... yeah, crazy Internet people and their advice and their questions. In any case, good luck. Crazy Internet people are pulling for you.

Heather B.

It's kind of embarrassing how much I want you two to have a baby. So, um yeah, I'll just leave it at that and cross the requisite body parts and hope that things work. The end.

mswas

Somehow I missed the "marabou-trimmed dressing gown" and skipped straight to " His head is leaking fluids of various kinds onto my chest. There isn't a stitch of marabou to be found."

So I thought marabou was some kind of fancy stuff to wipe Noah's nose with.

And then *I* thought, "Oh my God, is that what kids are calling it these days? I am so old."

obabe

remember when your subject breaks were 'gah gah gah gah gah'?
i miss those.
good luck next month.

Kay

It will happen one way or the other. All you have to do is lose a job, get drunk one night and have about 3 other things outta place and not ideal and...

it will happen. ;)

Kyla

Finger crossed and fertile thoughts all of that. Hope Noah feels better soon, too.

tracey

Honey. So so SO much good luck vibes coming your way... I can't imagine looking at that sweet boy's face and NOT wanting another one. Good luck.

Becca Parra

Good luck, Amy. I hope babyv2.0 is right around the corner. What a miracle he/she will be.

Amy

I completely feel for you. My hubby and I have been trying for let's see, over 3 freakin years now! It's ridiculous and unfair! I myself am on my 5th round of clomid, aka crazy pills, and am starting to lose faith! Did you have to see an RE to get pregnant with Noah? Well, I am wishing you luck. It sucked when it was mostly me who really wanted it but it breaks my heart now because I see how bad my hubby wants it too :( I'm am sending you lots of babydust! Oh yeah, and I've only been reading your blog for about 3 weeks and I love love love it!

She Likes Purple

I completely agree with Heather, and she knows you so I feel a bit odd saying that. But I want this so badly for you and am just crossing my fingers like crazy.

Megan

Amalah, I've been reading your blog for about three years now. I just wanted to say that I'm rooting for you and Jason.

Maeven

The whole Intarwebz is watching and rooting for you and Jason.

Creepy, isn't it?

*giggle*

*hugs and baby-friendly vibes sent your way*

slyeyes

Clomid makes you crazy? I had to use it for all three of my pregnancies....so....what does it say about me that I didn't even notice it made me crazy?

This might explain a few things.

(of course, that was last century, so they may have changed it a bit.)

GOOD LUCK!!

Suzy Q

I didn't comment on that last post, but I will say that I AM rooting for you and your fertility. We need more people like you and Jason (and Noah) in this world.

Erin

That is so funny! I watched 'Superbad' this morning and thought the exact same thing when they were talking about housing forms. Great minds think alike!!

Laura

My first thought was a list of ...have you tried?s but then I thought that was probably not what you wanted to hear.

I have my fingers crossed and will say a little liberal nondenominational prayer for you.

AMomTwoBoys

It will happen...IT WILL! And than Jason will be all "Oh, you mean we can't TRY anymore?" and you'll be all "I'm going to throw up from the smell of your deodorant and toothpaste so get the hell away from me" and you'll both be as happy as you've ever been!

Good luck!

Melissa

I have the problems. I'm 25 years old and TTC. My cycles last anywhere from 55 days to 112 days!!! It is ridiculous! What do you do????

Starbuck

I'm sorry you have to go the pharmaceutical route. Hopefully this time won't be as bad since you, Jason and your doctor know your history. Maybe a marabou-trimmed dressing gown will help.

Sorry for the snot fest. We had the pukes and runs over the weekend. (I know you wanted to know that!)

andrea

you and jason could travel the world orphan-collecting like brange, unless of course you need to actually look like them in order to act like them, in which case, we're all scrweed.

Steph

Clomid is evil, if you had a hard time with that one like I did, try Femara. It is much easier hormonally to deal with. I had 2 IUIs, one with Clomid that almost put into hyperstimulation. Femara, gave me two nice follicles and one was my son. SGF is an awesome place to go, Dr. Levy was my doc, so if you go there and can get in to see him, he will help you. You do need to go in with a very open mind and be ready for anything especially the loss of all modesty. Good luck.

Lauren

I appreciate your humor but I can also feel your pain and I'm sorry to see you go through it again.

Noah was SO worth the wait and your next one will be too. :-)

Miss Britt

Amy, being able to not only laugh but make other people laugh in the midst of something really painful is a gift.

It can also be annoying because you can feel like you have to hold up a sign that says "HELLO! I'M FUNNY BUT I'M STILL FUCKING DEPRESSED! OK?!?"

Ahem. I mean, I may be projecting...but... um. Anyway.

Superbad was funny. :-)

tasha

I feel for you. we seem to be on the same path, you're just a bit ahead of me (crazy making drugs, fondness for all things target and I too, have one of the cutest baby boys ever). my first child took for-ev-ah, my second is nowhere to be seen. some days your posts are what get me through. good luck, it'll be worth the wait.

Cecilia

Hello Amy!
About your fertility, I was going to recommend the billings Method, which works so well with me I have been using it since I got married (Nov 2004) and used it and it worked either to conceive my baby girl and to avoid pregnancy, it is a natural method, you get to know you, I can explain it to you if you have questions since it is on the internet and is sort of popular, natural and easy... I hope you get your baby this Christmas I hope my husband approves another baby since she is 1 year and needs a baby brother or sister...
Noah is precious! what a blessing! I love his pictures, what an angel!

Wendy

I know exactly how you feel. We started trying in Feb. to get preggers again and still nothing. I really...really don't want to take Clomid again. But, I don't think the "natural" way is working for us. It might help if I ovulated at some point...maybe?? My husband has had baby fever for a couple months now, I think worse than mine is.

Charlise

The toothbrushing thing? I have TOTALLY DONE THAT!

Shawn

OMG you referenced The Brave Little Toaster! How do you even know about that film--it came out in 1992ish. Weren't you in high school then? My excuse is that my sister was 3 years old at the time...

toolazytoscrapbook

Hi! New reader here...I spent HOURS and DAYS reading your archives because I have no life, apparently. But anyway, just wanted to say you are hysterical! except when you make me cry :( but then you come through and do/say something that makes me jump for joy...which is exactly what I will do when you post the "I'm pregnant" announcement here very soon :)

Kate

What Joy said.

Leeann

Amy,

First off, big hugs to Noah and to you. I hope you feel better soon. My kid, now 12, has given up run of the mill colds and now brings things like MRSA staph to the table. Big fun..not!

On the other note, you know, the baby one, I just wanted to give you a shot of hope. We had trouble conceiving between child 1 and child 2 and we did go on Clomid. One round for us was all it took. I hope the very same for you. And then we went on to have number three, no intervention there, except that the kid is a lunatic.

Hugs, from a nearby neighbor!
Leeann

Arwen

To add to Tracy's list of assvice, someone once suggested to me that I should get a dog. You already have a dog, but maybe *another* dog would do the trick? Hee.

I've so been there with the sobbing and the bathroom tiles. It sucks. Here's hoping those doctors can help you kick this thing with the least possible amount of pain.

All kinds of cheesy Internet hugs to you.

Jenn

When you get to this point, getting shot in the ass day after day by a partner who has not a degree in nursing, but rather a degree in psychology or art therapy, is a small price to pay for a cherished pregnancy. I know -- my completely unqualified Tae Kwon Do black belt partner took a deep breath and plunged that sucker into me. Voila! a sore butt, but two successful pregnancies (one after another, not at the same time!). God bless, it's a tough journey.

Virginia Gal

Maybe it's because I'm looking at the unsuccessful end of Clomid cycle #1, but I want for you what I want for me, to just get pregnant already, damn it. I'm tired of the talking and the trying and the hoping, and just want to get over this issue to the good stuff already.

If every other welfare kid out there (I know, I know, very gross over generalization, but when one has tunnel vision, that's the way it seems) can get pregnant without having to try, why can't a sensible person who has gotten her life in order first do so also?

paintingchef

We rented Superbad this weekend too. My face still hurts from laughing so much and also? Much like you? Am amateur swear-er.

Lisa M

Sniffing babies heads! Yeah, I'd say you are ready to have another baby! Good luck to you and know that there's a bazillion people pulling for you and Jason :)

Kate

Baby heads do smell pretty awesome. I keep trying to give my son back that smell, but it's getting really hard to cover the "I just rolled in God knows what in the backyard" smell on the kid.

anna

Good luck at the doctors, good health wishes to Noah (having the disgustings is no fun- that's my new made-up word for the sweaty sticky runny nose kind of thing), and here's a wish that many mothers who just need someone else to hold the baby for a minute pass your way.

I'm 19, definitely not thinking about kids soon, but when somebody hands me a baby- as long at their diaper doesn't need changed- it's a good day. Even if they do try to steal and break my glasses.

alfredsmom

Hysterical. We also watched SuperBad this weekend and I also commented to my husband about the Housing Forms. I though surely that referred to the male area in some way.

T with Honey

Taking control of the fertility hasn't happened for us either. And it seems that even our almost 3-year old has been bitten by the baby bug. She has started called her baby dolls her baby brother and baby sister!

qwyneth

Aww, honey. Your long babbling posts are far more awesome than short posts. I love how you type the way I think--makes me laugh and feel more normal.

I'm sure you get this a lot and I'm sorry, but how were you tested for PCOS? Because I've had several doctors tell me there was no way I had PCOS because wasn't large, hairy-chinned, and bald. When I finally got to the endocrinologist she confirmed that I DO have it, that my androgens are indeed elevated (even though the lab said they weren't) and follow this weird 2-1 pattern, and that combined with my cystic ovaries and oligmenorrhea I therefore have PCOS. She's got me on metformin to try and get me ovulating. Maybe a new doctor that doesn't just say "clomid" if you're trying and "birth control" if you're not would help? (I seem to remember your doctor didn't care to address your issues in the past, but I could be wrong.)

Either way, I am sending lots and lots and lots of fertile thoughts your way. Hey! Maybe January will be the magic month again, since three years ago you were pretty depressed and despairing about now...

Heather

That is hilarious about your toothbrush.

We watched Superbad also. It had me laughing pretty hard. How old are those guys? They played high school seniors perfectly.

tracy

apropos of nothing, i just thought it might make you laugh: http://www.miniaturebrainwave.com/2007/10/07/burger-dress/. i just thought this needed to be passed on. maybe for holiday parties??

Aimee Greeblemonkey

The Sleeping Toddler Slide-Off Triple Axel. Difficult indeed.,. But not as hard as the Whiny Kindergartener Flu Fever with the Bad Dream Clutchold Dismount.

sheilah

Good luck. I am still on the fence about using some of my frozens. My son turns 5 tomorrow.

And I? Am no longer 35.

I wish you buckets of luck.

Penny

While I hope it's over for you with just a little sprinkling of clomid, I also hope you'll share a few more experiences with us, because we care and because some of us are in the same boat and also feeling a little blue about a fruitless 2007.

Lela

It would be so much easier if you could give men baby fever by simply smacking them in the head with a frying pan.

Kate

You know what would make you feel better, I am thinking? A good post making fun of the assvice, because baby, it's everywhere.

Rachel

How's this for the universe messing with your plans (and heart and sanity)? We had decided not to have kids...then got pregnant after ONE careless night in 7 seven years.
Having already given up so much to be parents, we really wanted one more child and...yep...I found out it's called "secondary infertility".

It did finally happen. They are 3 and a half years apart but such good buddies. I don't know why life works out the way it does...but it does work out somehow. Still, I'd like to talk to Life's manager.

manda

mastering the toddler slide-off is dominant. i should perfect the triple-axle version. :)

KimAZ

Injectibles = not as bad as you think.You will admire the OCD of it all, the many dildo cam looks up your hoo-hah, so much staff devoted to your blood and daily tweaking of your recipe. You actually feel strangely cared for.

Clomid = evil stay the fcuk away.

Takin' charge = you rule.

Elizabeth

I'm so sorry about the nasty cold for you and Noah. And please don't feel like you have to hide your depressive funkitude-this is your blog, it's your personal space to write your personal feelings. If you need to vent, we're here to listen.

Must rent Superbad. Even though you've already used the best post title to reference that movie EVER.

Laura

I didn't comment on "this post" because I never know what to say. I didn't go through that section but instead skipped straight to the, you have endometriosis, must take tubes, only IVF will work.

One IVF session and I had twins. I tell people this and they think that I didn't go through true infertility. I did I have the baggage, the red hazardous waste cannisters and my own lovely blog to remind me.

You guys have done this before, so we know it can happen. I will just hope and pray that you don't have to go through the crap that comes along with Clomid.

You will get through this with the support of the internets. I promise, we will be there for you.

voiceoftreason

we all know there are so many in our species who already have been conceived or born who desperately, desperately need love and a place to call home. why not adopt? i mean, i understand that genetic drive we have for biological offspring, but, this time around ... especially considering your fertility issues ...

ladybug

#1: 9 months to conceive, in my mid-30s, but it happened naturally... the longest and most frustrating 9 months of my life.

#2: 7 years later, in my early 40s, after about 6 Clomid cycles in 9 months and then finally an IUI cycle which took the first time (thank God!). My baby just turned 2 last week.

All that to say, been there, feel your pain, looking forward to hearing about your joy. In the meantime, lovin' the 7 year difference in their ages. It's how it was supposed to be.

I imagine it will be hard to take such sweet snow pictures while juggling a baby. I'm wishing you all the best for whatever is supposed to be.

Big Momma Pimpalishisness With A Cherry On Top

I always have to resist the urge to ask mothers "Can I please kiss your baby's fat little cheeks, and there, right there, yeah right under the chin where there's all those fold in her neck- can I just kiss your baby right there?"

BOSSY

Bossy says Awwww when she sees babies in restaurants too - but mostly because they are throwing sticky things to the floor and Bossy doesn't want to step in it.

Tina Cl

i just did clomid and it worked after 4 tries. the 2nd round did not work and had to up the dosage. i believe i was driven crazy not by the drugs but by taking my temperature each morning. fear not. the clomid will work.

blogwhore

i once told a friend, after several years of attempting to make a baby, that if i could share any part of female anatomy with her, i would. maybe she thought that was weird. and i wonder sometimes if it was offensive. but this is the second time i've wanted to be able to sincerely donate my fertile abilities to someone.

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