This.

So Hey, How's THAT WHOLE THING Going?

Or, The ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor and Me
Or, I Am Pretty Sure I Stole This From Julie, Oh Look, Yes, I Totally Did

CYCLE DAY ONE, OPTIMISM PREVAILS

Amy: M button! M is for menstruation, kids.

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Oh my God, you mean you actually read the instruction manual this month?

Amy: Yes! I did! I actually know what I'm doing this time, so let's go ahead and say that the only thing standing in my way of pregnancy was that I did not fully understand modern peestick technology.

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Bring it, bitch.

CYCLE DAY FIVE, DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO UNWRAP THOSE DAMN STICKS FIRST THING IN THE MORNING WHEN YOU REALLY HAVE TO PEE?

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Pee on a stick.

Amy: You have a LOT to learn about me and my long-ass cycles, don't you?

CYCLE DAY NINE

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Pee on a stick.

Amy:  This box of sticks was supposed to last three cycles, you know.

CYCLE DAY 13, WHEEEE

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Pee on a stick.

Amy: Ok, so if my calculations are correct, we may possibly be getting somewhere close to...

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: HIGH FERTILITY! BOO-YAH!

Amy: *busts out with a happy little jig*

CYCLE DAY 14, THIS IS ALL SO EXCITING

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: HIGH FERTILITY! FUCK YEAH!

Amy: *does a little soft shoe*

CYCLE DAY 15

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: HIGH FERTILITY! AGAIN!

Amy: *band starts playing the wrong song; does a little hoedown*

CYCLE DAY 16

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: HIGH FERTILITY! I STILL MEAN IT!

Amy: Okay, so I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything...but...peak fertility? Maybe? Soon?

CYCLE DAY 20, GETTING THE SENSE THAT I AM BEING PUNKED

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: High fertility. Still. Hmmm.

Amy: Did my husband put you up to this?

CYCLE DAY 26

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: High fertility.

Amy: I do not think that means what you think it means.

CYCLE DAY 27

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Uh. Yeah, so here's the thing. You're back at low fertility. So. Yeah. I dunno.

CYCLE DAY 28

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: m?

Amy: You're kidding me, right?

CYCLE DAY 30

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: m?

Amy: No, but...I wonder...

Dollar Tree Pregnancy Test That I Got For A Dollar: No.

Amy: What do you know? You cost a fucking dollar.

CYCLE DAY 35

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: m?

Amy: La la laaaaaaaaaa....

Dollar Tree Pregnancy Test That I Got For A Dollar: No. Still no.

Amy: What do you kn...

Dollar Tree Pregnancy Test That I Got For A Dollar: How's that $150 monitor working out for you, then?

CYCLE DAY 40

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: (crying out from the bottom of Amy's makeup drawer) m? hello? anyone?

ClearBlue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test That Cost Way More Than A Dollar: No! Beep! Not Pregnant! In fact, you are so Not Pregnant it does not even compute! I judge you for even trying!

CYCLE DAY 43, TODAY

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Look, dude. This is not my fault. Don't be like this. You gotta bleed sometime, right? m?

ClearBlue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test That Cost Way More Than A Dollar: Your hope AMUSES ME. Your tears GIVE ME STRENGTH HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Chuckie Ugly

Or why you should never invite Competitive Internet Blogger Peoples to your child's birthday party:

Heather may have stolen tickets from two-year-olds, but I stole balls from them in order to keep this one pesky little toddler in an orange shirt from rolling my precious balls and generally just effing with my zone.

The birthday boy's father was trying to get nice photos of everybody and clearly, we cannot be bothered. Pushing my hair off my face would have required moving my hand from my thigh and THAT'S MY LUCKY STANCE. CANNOT MOVE. GO AWAY. 100,000 POINTS BUCKET IS IN RANGE AND THERE'S A PLASTIC SPIDER RING WITH MY NAME ON IT.

The good news is that you cannot see my pit stains. Skeeball is QUITE the exertion, y'all.

(I will note that Heather kept her valuable prizes for HERSELF, and I at least gave mine to Noah, who promptly broke his soccer-ball bracelet into a dozen separate choking hazards.)

(Oh fine, I did eat the Tootsie Roll. But it's not like he needed more chocolate.)

We don't get many birthday party invites. I don't know why.