Chuckie Ugly
This.

So Hey, How's THAT WHOLE THING Going?

Or, The ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor and Me
Or, I Am Pretty Sure I Stole This From Julie, Oh Look, Yes, I Totally Did

CYCLE DAY ONE, OPTIMISM PREVAILS

Amy: M button! M is for menstruation, kids.

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Oh my God, you mean you actually read the instruction manual this month?

Amy: Yes! I did! I actually know what I'm doing this time, so let's go ahead and say that the only thing standing in my way of pregnancy was that I did not fully understand modern peestick technology.

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Bring it, bitch.

CYCLE DAY FIVE, DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO UNWRAP THOSE DAMN STICKS FIRST THING IN THE MORNING WHEN YOU REALLY HAVE TO PEE?

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Pee on a stick.

Amy: You have a LOT to learn about me and my long-ass cycles, don't you?

CYCLE DAY NINE

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Pee on a stick.

Amy:  This box of sticks was supposed to last three cycles, you know.

CYCLE DAY 13, WHEEEE

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Pee on a stick.

Amy: Ok, so if my calculations are correct, we may possibly be getting somewhere close to...

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: HIGH FERTILITY! BOO-YAH!

Amy: *busts out with a happy little jig*

CYCLE DAY 14, THIS IS ALL SO EXCITING

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: HIGH FERTILITY! FUCK YEAH!

Amy: *does a little soft shoe*

CYCLE DAY 15

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: HIGH FERTILITY! AGAIN!

Amy: *band starts playing the wrong song; does a little hoedown*

CYCLE DAY 16

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: HIGH FERTILITY! I STILL MEAN IT!

Amy: Okay, so I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything...but...peak fertility? Maybe? Soon?

CYCLE DAY 20, GETTING THE SENSE THAT I AM BEING PUNKED

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: High fertility. Still. Hmmm.

Amy: Did my husband put you up to this?

CYCLE DAY 26

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: High fertility.

Amy: I do not think that means what you think it means.

CYCLE DAY 27

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Uh. Yeah, so here's the thing. You're back at low fertility. So. Yeah. I dunno.

CYCLE DAY 28

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: m?

Amy: You're kidding me, right?

CYCLE DAY 30

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: m?

Amy: No, but...I wonder...

Dollar Tree Pregnancy Test That I Got For A Dollar: No.

Amy: What do you know? You cost a fucking dollar.

CYCLE DAY 35

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: m?

Amy: La la laaaaaaaaaa....

Dollar Tree Pregnancy Test That I Got For A Dollar: No. Still no.

Amy: What do you kn...

Dollar Tree Pregnancy Test That I Got For A Dollar: How's that $150 monitor working out for you, then?

CYCLE DAY 40

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: (crying out from the bottom of Amy's makeup drawer) m? hello? anyone?

ClearBlue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test That Cost Way More Than A Dollar: No! Beep! Not Pregnant! In fact, you are so Not Pregnant it does not even compute! I judge you for even trying!

CYCLE DAY 43, TODAY

ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Look, dude. This is not my fault. Don't be like this. You gotta bleed sometime, right? m?

ClearBlue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test That Cost Way More Than A Dollar: Your hope AMUSES ME. Your tears GIVE ME STRENGTH HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Comments

Annemie

"I don't think that word means what you think it means..."

Muwahahahaha...

Better luck next 40+ days, dear - though your future baby has some pretty big toddalah shoes to fill!

Sunshine

Good Lord, woman, you are funny. And, I'm sorry you're going through all this.

jessica

I'm sorry you are going through this, Amy. My cycles are anywhere from 22 days to a whopping fucking 58 days. It made it DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE to conceinve our child (now 16 months. MY LORD!) I finally had to give up on momitirs and temperature taking and well...hope and then it happened the good old fashioned way - make major life plans that did not inolve a baby, and drink heavily. Within a month I was full o embryo, yo. It will happen...but lots of hugs and best wishes in the meantime.

Sarah

The meter just takes a month to get to know you (first month for me I was high for 16 days)...unless your cycle is all fucked up like mine and apparently yours. I am on day 42...five negative tests (including a blood test because I was so sure the others were wrong). No meter in the world can help me...

Mo

Instead of reading any dumbass comment that I'd be likely to write, just reread Jessica's. Cuz that’s what I wanted to say.

molly

oh amy, this cannot be easy for you at all, but the fact that you can still have such a wonderful sense of humor about the whole thing is terrific.

Cheryl

I'm sorry that fertility monitors and pregnancy tests of various prices are conspiring against you this month. Maybe free Hope in a Jar will help cheer you up? This looks like a pretty awesome offer for Philosophy users:
http://www.drugstore.com/user/promo.asp?code=4B1BF6A2

Jessica

I don’t know how I came across your sight but it was awhile ago. I had a lot of time to kill at a new job and pretty much started at the back and worked my way up to current. I think your family sounds pretty amazing and I truly hope you are able to have another child soon. As for son’s current situation, I believe it will only make him stronger. I was diagnosed with a learning disability in the 80s and my parents were told I would never amount to anything. (Thank God LD and disability testing have grown leaps and bounds as well as standard teachers being taught how to deal with children’s special needs without making them feel out of place or dumb.) But I studied hard, learned ALOT of study skills and became an AP student. I still spell fanetically (if you could not tell :) )And my math skills will never be great but my point is I would not have the work ethic I do if it weren’t for my disability. I think having two parents that support his strengths and don’t excuse his weaknesses will make your son into an amazing person someday. I really enjoy your blog and I thank you for sharing.
Good luck in your baby making endevours!

Tara

Oh dear Lord, the flashbacks. I am sorry you're going through this, and am starting to think maybe it's a GOOD thing (rather than a disappointment) that my husband decided we were "one & done." Because I don't think I could go through that again, and certainly not with the humor you've managed to muster.

Best of luck to you--I'm keeping you in my thoughts & prayers.

NotAMeanGirl

Amy... I just... you... crack.. my... shit... UP! I know the situation is frustrating but your sense of humor will get you through it!

Starbuck

It's so not okay when expensive technology messes with your mind just because it can. Sorry for the frustration. Maybe next time have Ceiba pee on it. Just to teach it a lesson.

Sadie

Whoa, that sounds very very complicated and intense. Stupid pee sticks.

Erin

Umm, does it make me a bad person if at the end of the post all I could think of was when you said "I do not think that means what you think it means." and now all I can think about is the Princess Bride when Inigo said "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

Yeah..

Kate

I'm sorry, I can't imagine what that's like. I hope it gets easier. But thanks for still being funny!

mom2werogers

I know I shouldn't laugh, but the way you wrote about that was freaking hysterical! Hang in there, and I hope it gets better. I say give the fertility monitor the finger, and stash it near the tire and the eyeball light. Those three deserve each other.

Elizabeth

Awww Amy, I'm sorry you are fighting with the Fertility Monitor and the DollarTree pee sticks, but you are doing it in a really funny way, if that helps :)

Kate

This brings back all kinds of weird memories.

If I knew you better I'd tell you how I had to actually do the testing at night, but using FMU.

Is it just me or did your CBE digital test seem like one of the obnoxious punk kids from Hogwarts?

Liana

Oh Amalah. I don't know how you do it....this is SUCH a frustrating thing and yet you make it hilarious, even though this has been dragging on for you for way too long. I really hope you get your next baby soon! Your sense of humor should get you big fertility points and a shorter cycle, right? Somehow? My hopes for another wonderful child are with you.

Tam.

Your post brings back so many memories. I really hate those tests that say, "pregnant" and "not pregnant." I feel like the latter should just be replaced by a big fat flipping off middle finger cause that's what it feels like when you get an unwanted answer. Hang in there...we are all rooting for you!!!!!!!

AmyM

Gawd, I love this blog.

Nichole

=( Feel Better/Get Pregnant soon! Besides I can't wait to see how cute the next one will be!

MMM

Sorry :(

Sara

Man, I bought one of those monitors when we started trying because I. Just. Had. To. Know. And the one month that it didn't even show a peak fertility, I got knocked up. Go figure.

lizinsumner

Oh, hon, my heart goes out to you. Here's what worked for me: drag 36 year old butt into ob/gyn's office and cry in his presence. He, in fit of pity: it's only been 9 months since husband's vasectomy reversal, but just to be sure, why don't you go across the street to this place (scribbles on pad) and have a "hysterosalpingogram"??? Me, totally ignorant: okay!! Now - do NOT believe your older sister when she says "piece of cake - I've had several of 'em!!", but go anyway. They do an ultrasound (on a painfully full bladder), then let you pee (thank goodness!!), and then lay you on a big, cold table under a big xray machine and shoot some kind of dye in you - vaginally, that, you'd think would be painless but causes like the worse cramps on the face of the earth (that is,until you've experienced labor). Six weeks later, I was pregnant.....must've blown something loose!!

georgia

I commend you for still being able to bring on the Princess Bride quotes even in a state of frustration...and Noah and his brother and/or sister will too someday.

Sherry

LOL you crack me up! I completely understand your pain, going on 14 months now, 2 cycles ago 54 days. Felt like I would puke at any moment for the last 20 of it, dollar store- $30 pee sticks -all negative. Last cycle 28 days, Husband now faking head aches :). I was considering purchasing a clear blue monitor but I think you may have changed my mind :)
Good luck this month!!

Priscilla

The CBE monitor is my nemesis. I got a "lucky" one from a friend...had worked for several people JUST BY BEING IN THE HOUSE, they didn't even have to use it.

I get everything together to try it and lo and behold, the damn thing didn't work. At all.

I say you loom large over it with a hammer to it and let it who's boss!

Priscilla

ahem, that should read:

"with a hammer and show it who's the boss."

SnarkyMommy fka Sprengblingbling

As this 56-day cycler can sympathize, there is nothing more annoying that the time before you ovulate. It's such a high/low crazy anticipation thing that it drives me nuts. And God forbid you should skip a day because "OHMYGOD WHAT IF I MISSED IT???? NOOOOOOOOOO."

I hate long cycles. Although you know the minute we stop wanting to get pregnant, they will magically go to 28-day perfection just to screw with us.

Hang in there.

FishyGirl

I am so sorry you have to go through this, but damn if you aren't the funniest thing "I do not think that means what you think it means." So, so sorry. If anyone deserves another one, it's you. I hope you manage to conceive and tell that monitor to suck it. So to speak.

Cindy

CBE fertility monitor did the same thing to me (never peaked)! What finally worked for me was peeing in a cup and dipping the sticks. At 5 am, that meant a lot of peeing on my hand, but it seemed to do the trick. Good luck!

Jen

Thanks. Now I'm totally going to crack out my "Hello. My Name is Inigo Montoya" T-shirt (which I think I may have to blame you for since I believe I bought it after you linked to it's awesomeness) and watch the movie, quoting it in relentless geeky fashion.

Sorry technology/biology/all of the above sucks. :o(

Colleen

Yes... that little machine can be quite an irritating little thing.

I did find it much easier to pee in a cup... then worry about opening the stick.

anne nahm

Oh I laugh but also express sympathy. I hope peeing on those uppity dollar sticks gives you some satisfaction.

I mean, peeing on something kind of gives you the last word in a throw down.

MonoCerdo

This post was definitely peak funny. And also heartbreaking.

She Likes Purple

Your sense of humor in the face of all that is incredible. Seriously.

jive turkey

Hee! I know you really struggle with this, but I admire you being able to laugh about it too. Here's to next month.

And I have to admit that one of my main reactions (besides the obvious ones) when I get a negative result on a pregnancy test is "FUCK. I have to buy ANOTHER one of these NEXT MONTH?!?"

samantha jo campen

I am *so* all about the Dollar Preggo Tests. SERIOUSLY underrated.

Again, like everyone before me said, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Thanks for sharing though, as I have been thinking about you and all that, but didn't want to ask.

Stephanie

I totally thought the end of this was going to tell us you're pregnant - I got so excited! Good luck!

Alissa

the sheer volume of urine we're talking about here is mind boggling!

Reynolds

The CBEFM can just suck it, right?

Even my husband is starting to get ticked that we haven't seen a peak.

Also peeing in a cup/on my hand every morning, so.far.not.working.

ImpostorMom

I'm so glad you still have a sense of humor about this.

I too had the ridiculously long cycles while trying for Boog. I eventually broke down and bought the Ovacue fertility monitor (http://www.zetek.net/ a whopping $400) because it confirmed ovulation. I wasn't ovulating at all so my doc put me on progestrone to kick start my cycle. 3 months of that and I was ovulating again, 3 months after I was pregnant. And that monitor predicted it spot on so I guess it was worth it.

Whitney

I am sorry. Got nothing else but that.

Little Dutch girl

Amalah,
So frustrating! I feel your pain, I am on day 51 right now, and I only do temps, and it looks like my ovulation could still be weeks away, for all I know...
Hang in there!

Sarcomical

oh dear god. now THAT does not sound like a pain in the ass. like, AT ALL.

sigh...well good luck anyway and keep peeing like a pro. ;)

Kirsten

Oh girl, I am so sorry for the peeing on the stick dance you are going through.

My own pee on the stick dance has been temporarily halted because god dammit I am tired of getting negative results when my boobs hurt and i've gained 10 pounds in a month and I don't want to admit that I'm a damn fat person and not pregnant and WAHHHH.

Ok. Rant done.

mandy

OK, I have an idea. Have sex multiple times every single day for a month. Throw away your monitor. It mocks you.

Pray for missed period.

Don't worry, you will get there. Just like miracle Noah, you will have another little miracle growing inside you when you least expect it.

jodi

Aw, that sucks hon.

Keep this in mind though, I think you have the same ovulation cycle as a panda. Maybe you need a zoologist as opposed to a gynecologist.

kelly

Stupid monitor. Booo! That said, this entry was hilarious. You are too funny, even in the midst of suckage.

I should buy stock in pee sticks. Seriously.

Moose in the Kitchen

"I do not think that means what you think it means."

I totally read that in an Indigo Montoya accent.

"My name is Inyigo Montoya. You keeled my father. Prepare to die." [Repeat ad nauseum. Louder each time]

If you weren't trying to reference Princess Bride, please don't tell me. I would have to feel stupid for using the accent for the rest of the day.

eva

That sucks... but wow was it a great read :)

jenn

Now I remember how I hated that damn fertility monitor. (and why I wanted to run over it with my car.)

...sending good thoughts your way; I know how you feel.

Kyla

Damn, you are hilarious when things suck.

Sarah

I know it's not really funny but it so IS! OMG I love your posts and I'm sure things will work out and when they do, you can go all office space on all those monitors :)

Kate The Great

*hugs*

honestyrain

i have to confess - i skipped ahead to see if it turned out pregnant. but to be continued isn't so bad either. it's a cliffhanger. we all like cliffhangers. right? a little?

now i will say something meant to help but is in no way helpful - it'll happen when it is meant to happen. big hugs.

Ginny

You're very funny, Amy. And I wish you all the luck in the world.

Polly

Ugh - this brings back horrible memories.I argued with OPK's and fertility monitors for over a year before we discovered we had male factor infertility and had a 0% chance of pregnancy without IVF. When I think of how many times I peed on my hand instead of the stick...

Miss Britt

Oh Amy, dear Amy.

I have a problem.

I read this and think "poor sweet Amy" - a little.

But the wannabe writer in me is absolutely overwhelmed by the creativity and brilliance of this post.

Suzanne

I read Julie's and laughed and felt bad all at the same time. Yours is just as funny and even more sad that the stupid fertility monitors don't GET that not everyone has perfect 28 day cycles.

Jason probably was very happy for a few more days than the average husband! ;)

Stacey

My cycles are so off I have 8 years in between my first 3 kids...that's 23, 15, and 7. The good news is there's only 27 months between my 7 year old and my 5 year old. Good Luck, you're in my thoughts. It can happen.

Katie (The Yap)

ME TOO!!!!! So fucking annoying. So, now? I'm on my first cycle of Clomid. BRING IT ON, PHARMACEUTICALS! I have no idea if you have looked into drugs, but I'm hoping they are the solution!! :) GOOD LUCK. I know how sucky it is. It is bad enough if you're a lucky person with a normal cycle (which I am NOT), but when you ovulate 3 times a year, it is agonizing!

Charlotte

Oh man, I hear you. I ordered cheaper peesticks from Amazon.com that work just as well. Of course, that doesn't help when m? keeps coming back.

Keep tryin'.

Mom101

I am reading the sadness between the very funny lines and sending you magic fertility rays through the ether. (What? You don't know about the magic fertility rays? Man, eeeeveryone in Hollywood is using them these days.)

bananie

that was a beautiful rendering of the relationship between a girl and her peesticks.

i SO hope the story changes soon for you.

Shannon

Hang in there hon. The month I gave up the temping, fertility monitors, etc. and decided fuck it I don't want to be pregnant anyways. . . was the month we did the deed ONCE and I was knocked up. Go figure. It took us 11 months and he was worth every tear shed.

andrea

I've all but given up on all conventional methods of predicting fertility, I can only pee on a stick so many times while maintaining any sense of humor. We are now trying the 'not really trying' method to see what happens.

I am thinking of you and hope things work out the way you hope.

paintingchef

I feel your pain.

But also? Thank god for those damn dollar tree pregnancy tests or I would have probably lost my house by now.

Sharon

Oh man, the test that is so negative that it "judges you for even trying"? SO TRUE.

I mean, it could at least pretend to consider it before dashing your hopes, right??

qwyneth

::hugs::

::dropkicks fertility monitor::

ali

Hey, at least since you just hit the "M" button you can go ahead and self-medicate with red wine. That's what I do. Nice.

norm

You so win at the internets.

Penny

Sounds like classic PCOS. Sorry Amy; how frustrating that must be.

LFM

This post was hysterical!!! I loved it!!! I think it does take a month for the thing to know your cycle though.

KH

I'm sorry you're going through this but you're freaking hilarious! I'm trying to motivate my husband for number two now. Our first is three months old. I must be certifiable to want to have a baby again so soon.

Abby K

I feel for you. I have been trying for a year now. Get this... last month, when I really thougth I was pregnant, I went to the clinic to get my allergy shot. They can't give me my allergy shot if I am pregnant, so I had to take a test. I was all excited since I was late and had symptoms of being pregnant (obviously just in my head now that I think about it). Anyways, I got my monthly visitor as I was in the clinic bathroom peeing in a cup to take the pregnancy test! I am on my 3rd month of fertility drugs now, and it is getting frustrating!!!

KimAZ

Please, please, please suck it up and do an injectible cycle. My heart is breaking for you.

Kelli

"No more rhyming I mean it"

"Anybody want a peanut?"

oh yeah, clear blue easy can suck it!

That is all.

Sheri Bheri

I almost sent a letter to the Clearblue pregnancy test manufacturer, because I'm getting to the point where I believe there's some sort of chemical on the peestick that swims UP my pee and triggers my period - sometimes within HOURS!

Do you ever wonder when you hear people say "I didn't even know I was pregnant!"?

mswas

Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Melissa

I totally feel your pain. We're trying for our first and the little m showed up today. Your post definitely helped me through my day!

Wacky Mommy

Funny girl.

Angie

Men need to be checked for infertility. For the longest time I thought it was me that was infertile but I was wrong. It is 50% chance a woman is infertile and 50% chance a man is infertile. It always seems like the woman gets checked first when a couple is having trouble conceiving.

Jen

It is way easier to pee in a cup and dip than it is to pee on a stick. And thank goodness for those Dollar Tree tests, or I'd be broke. When you are ready to try something else, I highly recommend injectable meds instead of clomid (otherwise known as the crazy psycho bitch pills). I am on Follistim right now and have no side effects at all.

Kate

Have you tried charting your temperature? I've heard great things about fertilityfriend.com

Leigh

This was my life for six years. Those stupid monitors never did figure me out. And forget about charting temperatures. Hah! The only thing that told me was that my temps were so low that I should be dead. I really think that I ovulated once in a nine year span, and that resulted in my first child.

Just to give you a little ray of hope...somehow after all those years, my body just suddenly figured everything out. I managed to have three (THREE!) more children. BUT...the second one didn't show up until my first was seven. Sigh.

Sarah Marie

While the ClearBlue gains strength from the tears, the readers and the internet in general gain strength from the funny.

I hope you can find the strength to (pee)stick with it.

Corinne

Know what else is fun? Taking your temperature every morning at 7 am for 7 months. But then my husband had to get up with the toddler because I had to not move for three hours or it would all be ruined. Or something. But I just got my BFP so I suppose it was worth it?? GL POASing!

Sarah Marie

Dude, I just have to report that the Princess Bride is on RIGHT NOW on one of the HBO channels. :D

Tam

OMG, you're hysterical! Man, did that bring back memories...

Making My Own Fun

Ugh. What a giant pain. It reminds me of when I was trying to conceive my first child. I didn't ovulate for 3 months but didn't know it. I just kept charting my temp and wondering what on earth it all meant. Finally, I went to the doctor and he gave me progesterone to force a period and then Clomid to force ovulation. 9 months later, I had my little guy.

I hope that next month is a better month for you. It's so hard when you don't know what the hell your body is doing...

mommyzing

You are absolutely hilarious! Good Luck and I hope things work out!

Ms. C

As hilarious as your interaction with the CBE monitor was, I'm so so sorry that the results of the cycle were not what you were expecting.
I know from reading that this is what you went through before conceiving Noah, and it hurts to see you experience this again.
(I know the story of long, annovulatory cycles all to well. I only wish you the best, and a not much longer journey.)

SassyPants

Amy, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish you the best! Noah will have a little brother or sister to beat up on soon enough. I just know it.

Maybe it will make you smile a little bit to know that you are having an impact on this world. I bought "Hope in a Bottle" and am trying it out just because of you! :)

Hang in there hon, I think you are FABULOUS!

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