So Hey, How's THAT WHOLE THING Going?
December 05, 2007
Or, The ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor and Me
Or, I Am Pretty Sure I Stole This From Julie, Oh Look, Yes, I Totally Did
CYCLE DAY ONE, OPTIMISM PREVAILS
Amy: M button! M is for menstruation, kids.
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Oh my God, you mean you actually read the instruction manual this month?
Amy: Yes! I did! I actually know what I'm doing this time, so let's go ahead and say that the only thing standing in my way of pregnancy was that I did not fully understand modern peestick technology.
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Bring it, bitch.
CYCLE DAY FIVE, DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO UNWRAP THOSE DAMN STICKS FIRST THING IN THE MORNING WHEN YOU REALLY HAVE TO PEE?
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Pee on a stick.
Amy: You have a LOT to learn about me and my long-ass cycles, don't you?
CYCLE DAY NINE
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Pee on a stick.
Amy: This box of sticks was supposed to last three cycles, you know.
CYCLE DAY 13, WHEEEE
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Pee on a stick.
Amy: Ok, so if my calculations are correct, we may possibly be getting somewhere close to...
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: HIGH FERTILITY! BOO-YAH!
Amy: *busts out with a happy little jig*
CYCLE DAY 14, THIS IS ALL SO EXCITING
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: HIGH FERTILITY! FUCK YEAH!
Amy: *does a little soft shoe*
CYCLE DAY 15
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: HIGH FERTILITY! AGAIN!
Amy: *band starts playing the wrong song; does a little hoedown*
CYCLE DAY 16
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: HIGH FERTILITY! I STILL MEAN IT!
Amy: Okay, so I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything...but...peak fertility? Maybe? Soon?
CYCLE DAY 20, GETTING THE SENSE THAT I AM BEING PUNKED
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: High fertility. Still. Hmmm.
Amy: Did my husband put you up to this?
CYCLE DAY 26
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: High fertility.
Amy: I do not think that means what you think it means.
CYCLE DAY 27
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Uh. Yeah, so here's the thing. You're back at low fertility. So. Yeah. I dunno.
CYCLE DAY 28
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: m?
Amy: You're kidding me, right?
CYCLE DAY 30
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: m?
Amy: No, but...I wonder...
Dollar Tree Pregnancy Test That I Got For A Dollar: No.
Amy: What do you know? You cost a fucking dollar.
CYCLE DAY 35
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: m?
Amy: La la laaaaaaaaaa....
Dollar Tree Pregnancy Test That I Got For A Dollar: No. Still no.
Amy: What do you kn...
Dollar Tree Pregnancy Test That I Got For A Dollar: How's that $150 monitor working out for you, then?
CYCLE DAY 40
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: (crying out from the bottom of Amy's makeup drawer) m? hello? anyone?
ClearBlue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test That Cost Way More Than A Dollar: No! Beep! Not Pregnant! In fact, you are so Not Pregnant it does not even compute! I judge you for even trying!
CYCLE DAY 43, TODAY
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Look, dude. This is not my fault. Don't be like this. You gotta bleed sometime, right? m?
ClearBlue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test That Cost Way More Than A Dollar: Your hope AMUSES ME. Your tears GIVE ME STRENGTH HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAA.
"I don't think that word means what you think it means..."
Muwahahahaha...
Better luck next 40+ days, dear - though your future baby has some pretty big toddalah shoes to fill!
Good Lord, woman, you are funny. And, I'm sorry you're going through all this.
I'm sorry you are going through this, Amy. My cycles are anywhere from 22 days to a whopping fucking 58 days. It made it DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE to conceinve our child (now 16 months. MY LORD!) I finally had to give up on momitirs and temperature taking and well...hope and then it happened the good old fashioned way - make major life plans that did not inolve a baby, and drink heavily. Within a month I was full o embryo, yo. It will happen...but lots of hugs and best wishes in the meantime.
The meter just takes a month to get to know you (first month for me I was high for 16 days)...unless your cycle is all fucked up like mine and apparently yours. I am on day 42...five negative tests (including a blood test because I was so sure the others were wrong). No meter in the world can help me...
Instead of reading any dumbass comment that I'd be likely to write, just reread Jessica's. Cuz that’s what I wanted to say.
oh amy, this cannot be easy for you at all, but the fact that you can still have such a wonderful sense of humor about the whole thing is terrific.
I'm sorry that fertility monitors and pregnancy tests of various prices are conspiring against you this month. Maybe free Hope in a Jar will help cheer you up? This looks like a pretty awesome offer for Philosophy users:
http://www.drugstore.com/user/promo.asp?code=4B1BF6A2
I don’t know how I came across your sight but it was awhile ago. I had a lot of time to kill at a new job and pretty much started at the back and worked my way up to current. I think your family sounds pretty amazing and I truly hope you are able to have another child soon. As for son’s current situation, I believe it will only make him stronger. I was diagnosed with a learning disability in the 80s and my parents were told I would never amount to anything. (Thank God LD and disability testing have grown leaps and bounds as well as standard teachers being taught how to deal with children’s special needs without making them feel out of place or dumb.) But I studied hard, learned ALOT of study skills and became an AP student. I still spell fanetically (if you could not tell :) )And my math skills will never be great but my point is I would not have the work ethic I do if it weren’t for my disability. I think having two parents that support his strengths and don’t excuse his weaknesses will make your son into an amazing person someday. I really enjoy your blog and I thank you for sharing.
Good luck in your baby making endevours!
Oh dear Lord, the flashbacks. I am sorry you're going through this, and am starting to think maybe it's a GOOD thing (rather than a disappointment) that my husband decided we were "one & done." Because I don't think I could go through that again, and certainly not with the humor you've managed to muster.
Best of luck to you--I'm keeping you in my thoughts & prayers.
Amy... I just... you... crack.. my... shit... UP! I know the situation is frustrating but your sense of humor will get you through it!
It's so not okay when expensive technology messes with your mind just because it can. Sorry for the frustration. Maybe next time have Ceiba pee on it. Just to teach it a lesson.
Whoa, that sounds very very complicated and intense. Stupid pee sticks.
Umm, does it make me a bad person if at the end of the post all I could think of was when you said "I do not think that means what you think it means." and now all I can think about is the Princess Bride when Inigo said "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
Yeah..
I'm sorry, I can't imagine what that's like. I hope it gets easier. But thanks for still being funny!
I know I shouldn't laugh, but the way you wrote about that was freaking hysterical! Hang in there, and I hope it gets better. I say give the fertility monitor the finger, and stash it near the tire and the eyeball light. Those three deserve each other.
Awww Amy, I'm sorry you are fighting with the Fertility Monitor and the DollarTree pee sticks, but you are doing it in a really funny way, if that helps :)
This brings back all kinds of weird memories.
If I knew you better I'd tell you how I had to actually do the testing at night, but using FMU.
Is it just me or did your CBE digital test seem like one of the obnoxious punk kids from Hogwarts?
Oh Amalah. I don't know how you do it....this is SUCH a frustrating thing and yet you make it hilarious, even though this has been dragging on for you for way too long. I really hope you get your next baby soon! Your sense of humor should get you big fertility points and a shorter cycle, right? Somehow? My hopes for another wonderful child are with you.
Your post brings back so many memories. I really hate those tests that say, "pregnant" and "not pregnant." I feel like the latter should just be replaced by a big fat flipping off middle finger cause that's what it feels like when you get an unwanted answer. Hang in there...we are all rooting for you!!!!!!!
Gawd, I love this blog.
=( Feel Better/Get Pregnant soon! Besides I can't wait to see how cute the next one will be!
Sorry :(
Man, I bought one of those monitors when we started trying because I. Just. Had. To. Know. And the one month that it didn't even show a peak fertility, I got knocked up. Go figure.
Oh, hon, my heart goes out to you. Here's what worked for me: drag 36 year old butt into ob/gyn's office and cry in his presence. He, in fit of pity: it's only been 9 months since husband's vasectomy reversal, but just to be sure, why don't you go across the street to this place (scribbles on pad) and have a "hysterosalpingogram"??? Me, totally ignorant: okay!! Now - do NOT believe your older sister when she says "piece of cake - I've had several of 'em!!", but go anyway. They do an ultrasound (on a painfully full bladder), then let you pee (thank goodness!!), and then lay you on a big, cold table under a big xray machine and shoot some kind of dye in you - vaginally, that, you'd think would be painless but causes like the worse cramps on the face of the earth (that is,until you've experienced labor). Six weeks later, I was pregnant.....must've blown something loose!!
I commend you for still being able to bring on the Princess Bride quotes even in a state of frustration...and Noah and his brother and/or sister will too someday.
LOL you crack me up! I completely understand your pain, going on 14 months now, 2 cycles ago 54 days. Felt like I would puke at any moment for the last 20 of it, dollar store- $30 pee sticks -all negative. Last cycle 28 days, Husband now faking head aches :). I was considering purchasing a clear blue monitor but I think you may have changed my mind :)
Good luck this month!!
The CBE monitor is my nemesis. I got a "lucky" one from a friend...had worked for several people JUST BY BEING IN THE HOUSE, they didn't even have to use it.
I get everything together to try it and lo and behold, the damn thing didn't work. At all.
I say you loom large over it with a hammer to it and let it who's boss!
ahem, that should read:
"with a hammer and show it who's the boss."
As this 56-day cycler can sympathize, there is nothing more annoying that the time before you ovulate. It's such a high/low crazy anticipation thing that it drives me nuts. And God forbid you should skip a day because "OHMYGOD WHAT IF I MISSED IT???? NOOOOOOOOOO."
I hate long cycles. Although you know the minute we stop wanting to get pregnant, they will magically go to 28-day perfection just to screw with us.
Hang in there.
I am so sorry you have to go through this, but damn if you aren't the funniest thing "I do not think that means what you think it means." So, so sorry. If anyone deserves another one, it's you. I hope you manage to conceive and tell that monitor to suck it. So to speak.
CBE fertility monitor did the same thing to me (never peaked)! What finally worked for me was peeing in a cup and dipping the sticks. At 5 am, that meant a lot of peeing on my hand, but it seemed to do the trick. Good luck!
Thanks. Now I'm totally going to crack out my "Hello. My Name is Inigo Montoya" T-shirt (which I think I may have to blame you for since I believe I bought it after you linked to it's awesomeness) and watch the movie, quoting it in relentless geeky fashion.
Sorry technology/biology/all of the above sucks. :o(
Yes... that little machine can be quite an irritating little thing.
I did find it much easier to pee in a cup... then worry about opening the stick.
Oh I laugh but also express sympathy. I hope peeing on those uppity dollar sticks gives you some satisfaction.
I mean, peeing on something kind of gives you the last word in a throw down.
This post was definitely peak funny. And also heartbreaking.
Your sense of humor in the face of all that is incredible. Seriously.
Hee! I know you really struggle with this, but I admire you being able to laugh about it too. Here's to next month.
And I have to admit that one of my main reactions (besides the obvious ones) when I get a negative result on a pregnancy test is "FUCK. I have to buy ANOTHER one of these NEXT MONTH?!?"
I am *so* all about the Dollar Preggo Tests. SERIOUSLY underrated.
Again, like everyone before me said, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Thanks for sharing though, as I have been thinking about you and all that, but didn't want to ask.
I totally thought the end of this was going to tell us you're pregnant - I got so excited! Good luck!
the sheer volume of urine we're talking about here is mind boggling!
The CBEFM can just suck it, right?
Even my husband is starting to get ticked that we haven't seen a peak.
Also peeing in a cup/on my hand every morning, so.far.not.working.
I'm so glad you still have a sense of humor about this.
I too had the ridiculously long cycles while trying for Boog. I eventually broke down and bought the Ovacue fertility monitor (http://www.zetek.net/ a whopping $400) because it confirmed ovulation. I wasn't ovulating at all so my doc put me on progestrone to kick start my cycle. 3 months of that and I was ovulating again, 3 months after I was pregnant. And that monitor predicted it spot on so I guess it was worth it.
I am sorry. Got nothing else but that.
Amalah,
So frustrating! I feel your pain, I am on day 51 right now, and I only do temps, and it looks like my ovulation could still be weeks away, for all I know...
Hang in there!
oh dear god. now THAT does not sound like a pain in the ass. like, AT ALL.
sigh...well good luck anyway and keep peeing like a pro. ;)
Oh girl, I am so sorry for the peeing on the stick dance you are going through.
My own pee on the stick dance has been temporarily halted because god dammit I am tired of getting negative results when my boobs hurt and i've gained 10 pounds in a month and I don't want to admit that I'm a damn fat person and not pregnant and WAHHHH.
Ok. Rant done.
OK, I have an idea. Have sex multiple times every single day for a month. Throw away your monitor. It mocks you.
Pray for missed period.
Don't worry, you will get there. Just like miracle Noah, you will have another little miracle growing inside you when you least expect it.
Aw, that sucks hon.
Keep this in mind though, I think you have the same ovulation cycle as a panda. Maybe you need a zoologist as opposed to a gynecologist.
Stupid monitor. Booo! That said, this entry was hilarious. You are too funny, even in the midst of suckage.
I should buy stock in pee sticks. Seriously.
"I do not think that means what you think it means."
I totally read that in an Indigo Montoya accent.
"My name is Inyigo Montoya. You keeled my father. Prepare to die." [Repeat ad nauseum. Louder each time]
If you weren't trying to reference Princess Bride, please don't tell me. I would have to feel stupid for using the accent for the rest of the day.