So Hey, How's THAT WHOLE THING Going?
December 05, 2007
Or, The ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor and Me
Or, I Am Pretty Sure I Stole This From Julie, Oh Look, Yes, I Totally Did
CYCLE DAY ONE, OPTIMISM PREVAILS
Amy: M button! M is for menstruation, kids.
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Oh my God, you mean you actually read the instruction manual this month?
Amy: Yes! I did! I actually know what I'm doing this time, so let's go ahead and say that the only thing standing in my way of pregnancy was that I did not fully understand modern peestick technology.
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Bring it, bitch.
CYCLE DAY FIVE, DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO UNWRAP THOSE DAMN STICKS FIRST THING IN THE MORNING WHEN YOU REALLY HAVE TO PEE?
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Pee on a stick.
Amy: You have a LOT to learn about me and my long-ass cycles, don't you?
CYCLE DAY NINE
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Pee on a stick.
Amy: This box of sticks was supposed to last three cycles, you know.
CYCLE DAY 13, WHEEEE
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Pee on a stick.
Amy: Ok, so if my calculations are correct, we may possibly be getting somewhere close to...
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: HIGH FERTILITY! BOO-YAH!
Amy: *busts out with a happy little jig*
CYCLE DAY 14, THIS IS ALL SO EXCITING
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: HIGH FERTILITY! FUCK YEAH!
Amy: *does a little soft shoe*
CYCLE DAY 15
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: HIGH FERTILITY! AGAIN!
Amy: *band starts playing the wrong song; does a little hoedown*
CYCLE DAY 16
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: HIGH FERTILITY! I STILL MEAN IT!
Amy: Okay, so I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything...but...peak fertility? Maybe? Soon?
CYCLE DAY 20, GETTING THE SENSE THAT I AM BEING PUNKED
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: High fertility. Still. Hmmm.
Amy: Did my husband put you up to this?
CYCLE DAY 26
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: High fertility.
Amy: I do not think that means what you think it means.
CYCLE DAY 27
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Uh. Yeah, so here's the thing. You're back at low fertility. So. Yeah. I dunno.
CYCLE DAY 28
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: m?
Amy: You're kidding me, right?
CYCLE DAY 30
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: m?
Amy: No, but...I wonder...
Dollar Tree Pregnancy Test That I Got For A Dollar: No.
Amy: What do you know? You cost a fucking dollar.
CYCLE DAY 35
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: m?
Amy: La la laaaaaaaaaa....
Dollar Tree Pregnancy Test That I Got For A Dollar: No. Still no.
Amy: What do you kn...
Dollar Tree Pregnancy Test That I Got For A Dollar: How's that $150 monitor working out for you, then?
CYCLE DAY 40
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: (crying out from the bottom of Amy's makeup drawer) m? hello? anyone?
ClearBlue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test That Cost Way More Than A Dollar: No! Beep! Not Pregnant! In fact, you are so Not Pregnant it does not even compute! I judge you for even trying!
CYCLE DAY 43, TODAY
ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Look, dude. This is not my fault. Don't be like this. You gotta bleed sometime, right? m?
ClearBlue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test That Cost Way More Than A Dollar: Your hope AMUSES ME. Your tears GIVE ME STRENGTH HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAA.
That sucks... but wow was it a great read :)
Now I remember how I hated that damn fertility monitor. (and why I wanted to run over it with my car.)
...sending good thoughts your way; I know how you feel.
Damn, you are hilarious when things suck.
I know it's not really funny but it so IS! OMG I love your posts and I'm sure things will work out and when they do, you can go all office space on all those monitors :)
*hugs*
i have to confess - i skipped ahead to see if it turned out pregnant. but to be continued isn't so bad either. it's a cliffhanger. we all like cliffhangers. right? a little?
now i will say something meant to help but is in no way helpful - it'll happen when it is meant to happen. big hugs.
You're very funny, Amy. And I wish you all the luck in the world.
Ugh - this brings back horrible memories.I argued with OPK's and fertility monitors for over a year before we discovered we had male factor infertility and had a 0% chance of pregnancy without IVF. When I think of how many times I peed on my hand instead of the stick...
Oh Amy, dear Amy.
I have a problem.
I read this and think "poor sweet Amy" - a little.
But the wannabe writer in me is absolutely overwhelmed by the creativity and brilliance of this post.
I read Julie's and laughed and felt bad all at the same time. Yours is just as funny and even more sad that the stupid fertility monitors don't GET that not everyone has perfect 28 day cycles.
Jason probably was very happy for a few more days than the average husband! ;)
My cycles are so off I have 8 years in between my first 3 kids...that's 23, 15, and 7. The good news is there's only 27 months between my 7 year old and my 5 year old. Good Luck, you're in my thoughts. It can happen.
ME TOO!!!!! So fucking annoying. So, now? I'm on my first cycle of Clomid. BRING IT ON, PHARMACEUTICALS! I have no idea if you have looked into drugs, but I'm hoping they are the solution!! :) GOOD LUCK. I know how sucky it is. It is bad enough if you're a lucky person with a normal cycle (which I am NOT), but when you ovulate 3 times a year, it is agonizing!
Oh man, I hear you. I ordered cheaper peesticks from Amazon.com that work just as well. Of course, that doesn't help when m? keeps coming back.
Keep tryin'.
I am reading the sadness between the very funny lines and sending you magic fertility rays through the ether. (What? You don't know about the magic fertility rays? Man, eeeeveryone in Hollywood is using them these days.)
that was a beautiful rendering of the relationship between a girl and her peesticks.
i SO hope the story changes soon for you.
Hang in there hon. The month I gave up the temping, fertility monitors, etc. and decided fuck it I don't want to be pregnant anyways. . . was the month we did the deed ONCE and I was knocked up. Go figure. It took us 11 months and he was worth every tear shed.
I've all but given up on all conventional methods of predicting fertility, I can only pee on a stick so many times while maintaining any sense of humor. We are now trying the 'not really trying' method to see what happens.
I am thinking of you and hope things work out the way you hope.
I feel your pain.
But also? Thank god for those damn dollar tree pregnancy tests or I would have probably lost my house by now.
Oh man, the test that is so negative that it "judges you for even trying"? SO TRUE.
I mean, it could at least pretend to consider it before dashing your hopes, right??
::hugs::
::dropkicks fertility monitor::
Hey, at least since you just hit the "M" button you can go ahead and self-medicate with red wine. That's what I do. Nice.
You so win at the internets.
Sounds like classic PCOS. Sorry Amy; how frustrating that must be.
This post was hysterical!!! I loved it!!! I think it does take a month for the thing to know your cycle though.
I'm sorry you're going through this but you're freaking hilarious! I'm trying to motivate my husband for number two now. Our first is three months old. I must be certifiable to want to have a baby again so soon.
I feel for you. I have been trying for a year now. Get this... last month, when I really thougth I was pregnant, I went to the clinic to get my allergy shot. They can't give me my allergy shot if I am pregnant, so I had to take a test. I was all excited since I was late and had symptoms of being pregnant (obviously just in my head now that I think about it). Anyways, I got my monthly visitor as I was in the clinic bathroom peeing in a cup to take the pregnancy test! I am on my 3rd month of fertility drugs now, and it is getting frustrating!!!
Please, please, please suck it up and do an injectible cycle. My heart is breaking for you.
"No more rhyming I mean it"
"Anybody want a peanut?"
oh yeah, clear blue easy can suck it!
That is all.
I almost sent a letter to the Clearblue pregnancy test manufacturer, because I'm getting to the point where I believe there's some sort of chemical on the peestick that swims UP my pee and triggers my period - sometimes within HOURS!
Do you ever wonder when you hear people say "I didn't even know I was pregnant!"?
Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
I totally feel your pain. We're trying for our first and the little m showed up today. Your post definitely helped me through my day!
Funny girl.
Men need to be checked for infertility. For the longest time I thought it was me that was infertile but I was wrong. It is 50% chance a woman is infertile and 50% chance a man is infertile. It always seems like the woman gets checked first when a couple is having trouble conceiving.
It is way easier to pee in a cup and dip than it is to pee on a stick. And thank goodness for those Dollar Tree tests, or I'd be broke. When you are ready to try something else, I highly recommend injectable meds instead of clomid (otherwise known as the crazy psycho bitch pills). I am on Follistim right now and have no side effects at all.
Have you tried charting your temperature? I've heard great things about fertilityfriend.com
This was my life for six years. Those stupid monitors never did figure me out. And forget about charting temperatures. Hah! The only thing that told me was that my temps were so low that I should be dead. I really think that I ovulated once in a nine year span, and that resulted in my first child.
Just to give you a little ray of hope...somehow after all those years, my body just suddenly figured everything out. I managed to have three (THREE!) more children. BUT...the second one didn't show up until my first was seven. Sigh.
While the ClearBlue gains strength from the tears, the readers and the internet in general gain strength from the funny.
I hope you can find the strength to (pee)stick with it.
Know what else is fun? Taking your temperature every morning at 7 am for 7 months. But then my husband had to get up with the toddler because I had to not move for three hours or it would all be ruined. Or something. But I just got my BFP so I suppose it was worth it?? GL POASing!
Dude, I just have to report that the Princess Bride is on RIGHT NOW on one of the HBO channels. :D
OMG, you're hysterical! Man, did that bring back memories...
Ugh. What a giant pain. It reminds me of when I was trying to conceive my first child. I didn't ovulate for 3 months but didn't know it. I just kept charting my temp and wondering what on earth it all meant. Finally, I went to the doctor and he gave me progesterone to force a period and then Clomid to force ovulation. 9 months later, I had my little guy.
I hope that next month is a better month for you. It's so hard when you don't know what the hell your body is doing...
You are absolutely hilarious! Good Luck and I hope things work out!
As hilarious as your interaction with the CBE monitor was, I'm so so sorry that the results of the cycle were not what you were expecting.
I know from reading that this is what you went through before conceiving Noah, and it hurts to see you experience this again.
(I know the story of long, annovulatory cycles all to well. I only wish you the best, and a not much longer journey.)
Amy, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish you the best! Noah will have a little brother or sister to beat up on soon enough. I just know it.
Maybe it will make you smile a little bit to know that you are having an impact on this world. I bought "Hope in a Bottle" and am trying it out just because of you! :)
Hang in there hon, I think you are FABULOUS!