I am not your 28-pound monkey.
January 31, 2008
I am not your monkey because I am not here to entertain you today, but rather to seek ur knowledge and drink ur branes. You are MY MONKEY today. Answer my query, monkeys! And try to keep the feces-flinging to a minimum.
QUESTION: How old were your kids when they stopped insisting on being carried everywhere? Did you indulge this insistence until they got over it themselves or did you ever just put your foot down and make them walk places on their own? And if you did that, how did you deal with the boneless-floor-puddle-thing? Leashes? Shoulder-socket transplants? Games of chicken on the Capital Beltway?
Noah wants to be carried EVERYWHERE. I cannot get him to hold my hand and walk to the car or the mailbox or even just stand there by the ATM while I dig around for my wallet. This is particularly true in wide open and unfamiliar places, but he'll still pitch fits at the top of the stairs in our house because he wants me to carry him. "Up?" he asks, over and over, until it is NO LONGER A REQUEST, WOMAN. UUUUUPPPPP.
A long time ago a certain occupational therapist was vaguely horrified to hear that we carry Noah out in public most of the time. She said this was absolutely unacceptable at Noah's age and we had to insist on Walking Like A Big Boy. I nodded and pretended to care and thought about ponies instead. I sure do like ponies.
But today at the Mock Preschool For Kids Who Can't Talk Good And Want To Learn How To Do Other Stuff Good Too I noticed that I was the only parent carrying my kid across the parking lot and through the hallways and into the classroom. In fact, most of the kids insisted on walking themselves, while Noah started to protest the instant I slid him down past my hipbone. "No wok! UP!"
It's not that we haven't tried -- but seriously, I'm not about to get into a battle of wills when we're just trying to go to the post office, or let him collapse out in the crosswalk while I lecture him about acceptable Big Boy Behavior and how he is gunning for a life alone and living in our basement because he wants his mama to carry him at 28 months old, the goddamn pansy. He can walk and run and leave me in the dust at the playground; he just chooses not to most of the time. And in the end, he still just seems...like my baby. And you carry your babies. Yes? No? Uh...ponies?
Anyway. I'm really asking because I'm just curious -- not because I'm worried or looking for something new to be worried about. Honest! All my worry spots are completely booked right now anyway, I can't even THINK about taking on a new neurosis until AT LEAST April.
First?
It's amazing how quickly we forget! My son is 4 and a half I really don't remember how the walking vs carrying was at 28 months. I know that will still every now and then ask me to carry him a bit and I do because soon he wont want me to anymore. Maybe Noah seeing the other kids walking at his daycare might make him want to, but I'm sure that he won't be having you carry him to his prom so don't sweat it!
I figure, as long as it's working for you, go with it. My son went through a phase around 2 where he too wanted to be carried/didn't want to walk. If I couldn't carry him, I put him in the stroller. I stopped carrying him when he got too heavy for me to do it comfortably, probably around 2.5, though every now and then I'd carry him if he was feeling particularly weepy about something or another. Now he's four and won't even snuggle me on the couch, the stinker.
I have 3 girls. 9 months to 7 years. If I could, I would still carry them everywhere. They are my babies no matter what age.
If you are not sick of carrying him, then don't stop. One your arm becomes unhinged at the shoulder then maybe consider it gently. Small changes are huge to small people.
Okay, to start, are we really doing that "first!>!(*&#R$" thing on this blog? SERIOUSLY? In my humble opinion, that is not a comment that actually contributes to what the wonderful Amalah has written for us to read...
Ahem.
Anyway. Amalah.
I don't have kids yet. However, seeing as my sister is 10 years younger than I am, I certainly remember going through this phase with her. I think by the time she was about 2.5, she got over the carrying-thing. She, too, walked on her tiptoes when she started (which at first we thought was cute until she stubbed her toes on EVERYTHING), and then insisted on being carried everywhere.
When she was in unfamiliar environments, in particular, it was almost as if there were too many things for her to see, so she got overwhelmed and just wanted to be comforted. (Sidenote, she's now 17 and was recently diagnosed with ADD, so it turns out that she likely WAS overwhelmed at that age. My parents as much as I love them, simply wanted to insist that she just didn't have a natural talent at schoolwork like I did.)
Anywho, hope that assures you a bit - at least you are insisting that Noah get taken care of immediately, vs. 17 years of frustration down the road.
My sense is that you're noticing it now... so now seems about the right time to act on it. I mean that in the most non-judgmental way possible. Like when we're ready to see something then we do. But, pick your battles. If your already taking him to the class which is helping promote change in his reactions to his surrounds maybe make it a new thing that you walk to class too? I know as an adult change seems to work best for me when it’s lumped in with other things that are different too.
It should be once, not one...slippery fingers
My son is almost 3 - in April - just within the last couple of months - like maybe 3 months - he has decided he wants to do EVERYTHING HIMSELF- that includes walking. Before that I carried him and his baby brother EVERYWHERE! Now his brother 16months old - walking- but wants to be held all the time. I wouldn't worry - pretty soon he won't want you to help him or carry him!
i still carry my daughter and she is 4. she is my baby and i love the snuggles. i'll stop when she is too heavy or she does want it anymore. i know a lot of people have strong opinions on this, but to each their own eh?
ps- i'm also an OT and i find NOTHING horrifying about it at all!
Child #1: 22 months because that was when child #2 was born and I couldn't carry them both.
Child #2: Around five. Some time when she was in kindergarten, I hurt my back (temporarily), and she got used to not being carried because of my back.
I guess I should say more than "first," but I don't have any munchkins of my own yet. The first is baking as we speak. Sorry, no advice!
I had the opposite problem with my second. He refused to be carried in situations where it was safest for all involved, so I can't offer suggestions on how to stop it.
However, if you are not the walking wounded at the end of the day from this, I wouldn't sweat it too much.
My 32 month old does this sometimes...usually when she's tired or just in a "need mommy" stage. But the rest of the time it's "NOOOOO! ME do it! You no help me!" So...walking on her own is one of the ways she demonstrates her 2 yr. old independence. If the teachers are surprised that he still wants to be held so much, see if they have any ideas. I know little things like "I'll race you" or skipping, etc...wouldn't work everywhere, but it's worth a shot. You're a pretty creative gal, and you know him better than anyone. Maybe even the promise of stickers for each time he walks by himself somewhere?
My daughter started insisting on walking about 6 months ago when she was turning 2ish. But we were never big carriers, we've always been big strollerers. (I can too make up words Mr. Typepad. So there :-P)
My hunch is that he's playing you, and who wouldn't? I'd love to be carried everywhere.
Maybe you could always make sure you have too many things in your arms to pick him up. I bet he'd get over it pretty fast... but then again, he is your baby, and he won't let you carry him into kindergarten... so maybe you could go on enjoying it and let people think what they will.
I am absolutely not qualified to give advice about this, but I don't think I'd take seriously *anything* an OT who called my son a brat might say. Go with your instincts, do what you feel is right for your situation, and don't worry about it.
I have a son almost exactly Noah's age. (He looks a lot like Noah too.) He's currently struggling with a syndrome where all his bones completely turn to much any time he is crossed in any way, shape or form. In safe places (read: not a parking lot) I deal with his refusal to walk by cheerfully telling him I am going this way and then *going* that way. I usually get about two steps before I hear "Wait! Wait for me!"
I'm not sure what I'll do once he calls my bluff, but I'm hoping he'll be in the habit of walking with me by then.
My youngest was the worst. He wanted to be carried A LOT. Sometimes I fought it and made him walk, other times I caved because I couldn't deal with the sudden onslaught of jello child syndrome in the grocery store. He was well into his 3s by the time he started insisting that he walk, instead of being carried. I'm not saying you shouldn't make him walk sometimes if for nothing else other than to give your hips a break from carrying him, but my monkey out grew it eventually. I hope yours does too!
Well, I've heard your story before so I made him walk the moment he LEARNED how to walk. My son was 10 months old when he started walking and at that point I made him walk or at least tried. He walked to his class in daycare. I had heard of your same story before and to avoid that I was going to MAKE him walk. So after he built up his leg muscles a little better, and his length he could walk it's was an easy transition. After that when he asked to be carried, NO WAY! God gave you legs to use, use them. Harsh I know, but a doctor bill is a lot more than a tantum! Good luck. I say let him throw the fit, he will eventually come to realize that you aren't going to carry him, and if he is going to get anywhere in life he is going to have to walk. He'll catch on eventually you just have to push him towards it.
Michael used to want to be carried everywhere. And so we used the stroller, a lot. I still use the strollers in malls and airports and anywhere I know he can bolt, fast. In the past two months or so, it has been all about walking like a big boy. The only time he wants to be carried is on the stairs. And he made Doug carry him all over club med. He refused to walk there.
One thing that works is to race. If we are all together Doug will way Race to Mommy. He loves that. Obviously we don't do that in parking lots or anywhere he does not have to hold a hand.
Michael will want to walk places i don't want him to and want to be carried when I have an armful of groceries, I think they just know what you want them to do and they do the opposite.
Maybe try making a big, happy fuss over him when he walks alone... like, try telling him, "Oooo... I'm going to take a picture of you walking like a big boy, and then we'll send it to Daddy at work to show him what a great big boy you are now!" Ya know... bribes like that. :0)
Now, obviously you're not going to have time do this while you are running for an appointment, but maybe on those trips out to the mailbox. Make it a fun game... and ask him to imitate you and do silly walks with you. This one always worked for me... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wippooDL6WE
(FYI...I've more than done my share of highly embarassing things for the sake of teaching my kids something) :0)
#1, about 2.5 - when baby #2 got squiggly and it wasn't safe to carry them both. she still gets startled in parking lots and cries for me to carry her, but it's too much to juggle them both and we clammor and struggle to get everyone to a sidewalk where she'll stop her freakout.
#2 is almost 18 months, and she has started insisting to walk just this week. *ugh*
My youngest son is going to be four in June. He is TINY - just 27 lbs - I prefer to have me or my husband carry him whenever we are in public (that or a stroller/cart) one reason is that he is SLOW and the second is that I LIKE holding him, feeling his we hands cure around my neck, listening to him yabber in my ear. It's really hard to give that sort of thing up.
My older boys, eight and so close to six it doesn't make sense to say he is five, walk.
However, both of them were carried until the birth of their next sibling. Seeing as I had my tubes tied after the last one was born, I highly doubt he will be walking alone until the birth of my first grandchild.
And you know what? I don't mind. It makes both of us happy, if it bugs some random stranger, they can go eff themselves!
It sounds to me from what you say that you still like carrying Noah *sometimes*, but the fact that he insists on it always whenever you're outside the house is starting to be a problem. So, maybe you can begin encouraging him incrementally to do more of his own walking -- not cutting him off cold turkey, but getting him to try it out so that habits don't calcify.
Fwiw I don't have kids, but my parents tell me that as a child I liked to walk on my own and be independent until age two, when we moved to West Africa and suddenly everything was very, very different and scary to me. I insisted on being carried everywhere outdoors that we went for about 3 months. And then gradually -- especially when there were things that I was excited to run towards faster than my boring parents and do -- I transitioned back to doing my own walking.
I also have pretty clear memories of wanting to be picked up and being told I was too heavy -- or it was only for special occasions, not all the time - a bit like weaning!
It will probably help Noah seem more like a peer and playmate to the other kids if he is doing more of his own walking, like them, and is down at their eye-level.
I would maybe think about it (in April), but I wouldn't worry about it too terribly... I had a phase at five where I wanted to be carried everywhere (don't make fun!!) and I don't live in the basement, or am impaired in any way socially (besides the crazy).
I don't remember how it was with my now 12yo son, but my 2.5yo daughter wants to walk everywhere herself. I usually carry her if we are in a parking lot or somewhere it's not safe for her to walk, but the rest of the time I let her walk.
Noah is so busy tackling other stuff right now, that I don't think this is all that big of a deal, in my opinion. If he is into helping you, maybe you could say something like, "Can you help Mama and carry this into the store (down the stairs, out to the garage) for me? Mama needs Noah's help." The help thing always worked well with my kids.
But he is so flippin adorable that I would have a hard time putting him down, too.
My four year old wouldn't walk till he was almost three and we too got all sorts of crap from other people. What worked for us is letting him race us in safe areas. Park, store isle, etc. Public but closed in. Also we would give him smarties to eat while walking and we would hold onto the back of his shirt to keep him from falling while grubbing. Good luck!
I can provide no ass-vice, but I can commiserate. My 21-month-old is suddenly very into being carried everywhere but he only insists that I constantly pick him up and carry him--my husband who is bigger and stronger, and not 7 1/2 months pregnant, will not suffice.
I suck at putting my foot down and so I oblige because carrying around 30 lbs. is often easier than dragging a 30-lb. limp noodle by the arm.
If you figure out what works at getting Noah to walk on his own, please do share.
so my first son was 18 months(ish) when i got pregnant again. right away my OB said to try to ease off carrying him and letting him try to get himself in the carseat and out of so i wouldnt have to. so that worked, i guess (ok, i dont have the best memory anymore). my younger son who is exactly noah's age - one month, refuses to be carried anywhere (mostly, i think to be like his older brother) and thankfully is great about hand holding. he has recently developed a FEAR of our stairs from the first floor to second (but not the ones to the basement) and will throw a tantrum if we dont carry him down then. if i have the time, i let him cry it out and eventually he crawls on his belly down. if i dont have the time, i just grab him and tell him "you can walk down all by yourself..blah blah blah".
so thats my story. nothing too life altering.
you will not carry noah to college, nor will he be wearing diapers there either. itll work itself out. rock on for the three word sentence though!!!
I come from a reluctant attachment-parenting perspective (my 19 month old still sleeps with us and *gasp* we are glad)...but I've sort of learned something about babies (and Noah totally still counts as a baby) through my first. They let you know when they need "mommy contact" - some kids need it more than others and most kids need it especially when they are going through big changes in life (like trying to learn big new things!). Noah may just be trying to get an extra (needed) dose of physical closeness with you. It doesn't mean you're not giving him enough at other times of the day, but he just might feel like he needs more right now.
I'd say that as far as all the things you're working on these days, this is not the hill to die on. Soon enough, he'll be wanting run all by himself and you'll be having massive heart failure chasing him through traffic. If your back can take it, maybe let this stage wear itself out. If it really feels like a problem to you, just try to wean him off it slowly. Big sudden changes are really hard for little people (I think someone else said this too) so do it gradually - which means you probably won't ruin your progress if you don't debate the issue in the middle of the crosswalk. :-) And maybe try (if he'll let you) to get a little extra snuggling or holding time at other times during the day - like at home during nap time or something.
You mean kids don't want their mommy's to carry them when they're 3? Hmmm. My 1st was addicted to playing with my hair, so yeah, around 3 yrs old. My 2nd was a blanket and thumb girl, so around 3 yrs old. And well my 3rd is only 22 months old and wants nothing to do with mom in public but at home is a total carry-me-aholic.
Don't concern yourself with this. Seriously!
Well, I have no kids, and therefore no advice, but DAMN woman - you must have some super-hot arm muscles from carrying Noah all the time.
Go with your instincts and ignore "what everyone else does". That's the advice you'll be giving him 10 years from now, and it's good advice. If you feel like carrying him, carry him, if you don't, don't. Seriously, he won't want you to carry him to middle school. This will pass. My five year old still tries to get us to carry her. When we can, we do, when we can't we don't. She gets over it. In retrospect, you will be amazed at how fast he will grow up and move on from these things. I love your blog. You seem like a great mom.
I don't have kids, but I know my boyfriend's sister's child still sometimes wanted to be carried around 2/2.5 years. Not all the time, but I wouldn't think it means anything *bad* that Noah still wants to be carried place. Personally, I'd stop just because around that age, they start getting too heavy for me! But I'm weak. :)
as a mom of a sensory kid, here's my assvice: don't worry about it. If it's not detrimental to you or him, carrying is fine.
A specialist that I see (for my son) sums it up like this: for sensory kids, it's so hard to know what that they are experiencing, and it's so Not useful to compare and contrast with typical peers... that really, pick the things that really matter to have power struggles over. Let (relatively) small things slide. Hope that makes sense.
(example: all my son's peers are taking swimming lessons, so isn't it time to sign him up? only, he HATES everything to do with swimming pools on a sensory level, and every 'lesson' exhausts the whole family. And he doesn't even get into the water, much less his swimsuit. So, why fight it right now? Is it really necessary for swim lessons right now? Answer: no)
Still having the "carry me" battle at 3.5 years old.
Henry likes to be carried, because people might, ya know, look at him.
I went through the same thing with my son, who is now 11 years old. It was really tough breaking my son of this "habit" but once I decided that enough was enough it didn't take long. Sure your son is going to scream and shout and throw horrendous tantrums but as long as you know that you are in a safe environment (i.e home, friend's house, etc)and he is not in any pain... HE WILL BE FINE! Not carrying him EVERYWHERE in no way diminishes the fact that he is your baby and always will be!
My first was about 18 months, because that's when she became a big sister and I couldn't carry both. The second took a lot longer. The third...
Look at all the pictures of people like Angelina Jolie, she's toting that big six year old around.
It doesn't matter. At some point Noah will decide he is too big to be carried and he will then walk everywhere. And your heart will break because he doesn't need you for that any more. Enjoy the snuggling while you have it. He'll grow up all on his own soon enough.
Delurking to say I wish my 2 year old would let me carry her. It sure as heck would be faster some days...
If it's a battle you are willing to take on, then try to get him to walk (which would mean a few puddles of crying messes on the ground). Bribes maybe? If not, I wouldn't sweat it. I mean, he won't be 18 and you carrying him across the stage to graduate.
My daughter is 4 1/2 and she often asks her Daddy to carry her (she knows I won't). Half the time she asks, he will oblige. But she's so big and heavy to carry far, that we basically make her walk. And yes, if that means dragging her in the Walmart parking lot, then I do it.
Her little sister, however, pretty much is carried everywhere. She's 23mos and is light as a feather and gets carried a lot of the time. But we also make her walk, even through the melting-into-a-puddle phase. Most of the time? I carry my youngest because I walk WAY faster holding her than letting her walk.
You know what? I'm betting you won't be carrying him around when he's a teenager! You know he can walk, you're not hurting him by carrying him--enjoy it while you can.
My son is the opposite. Pretty early on, he started DEMANDING to be allowed to walk. I usually let him, but sometimes I just want to GO without all of the toddler dawdling that him walking represents, and so I don't let him. Besides, he's still my baby and how else am I supposed to keep these bitchin' arm muscles it's taken almost 2.5 years to build?
I say enjoy it while you can. Because soon enough he won't want to be seen in public with you (or at least let you kiss him when the bus comes to whisk him off to kindergarten).
You know he CAN do it...just wants to be held right now.
When he asks you to carry him to deliver his valedictorian speech THEN I would worry. (maybe)
Elijah started full time school this month, I took his stroller to the tip this week, we used it right til he started school! I never was a carry them sort of mum though, as soon as they start that leaning back and making me feel like I will snap crap, they get put in a stroller, I think they knew it was walk or stroller, walking was more fun maybe.
Noah IS a baby, hell just blow a raspberry to anyone that tries to tell you how to raise your boy.
People want kids to grow up too fast, why back in the day of my dad's baby hood they strapped them on their backs to stop them trying to sit up and damage their fragile backs until they were a year old ( or was that just my mean Nana?) 50 years ago Noah would still be in long frocks being wheeled in a perambulator, let him be a baby a bit longer if YOU want.
This is so funny you are asking this question as I swear I just had this discussion with my 3 almost 4 yr old this morning. Can you carry me mommy?
Um honey, mommies arm may fall off if I do that.
No mommy, you can carry me. You are strong.
Well will you carry me? I'm tired too.
No mommy you are tooooo heavy.
Ok so needless to say my almost 4 year old STILL asks more often than not but I will say the boneless-floor-puddle-thing has subsided some unless she is napless and well then no rules apply. So honestly I think it's dependent on the child because my now 7 yr old I swear was asking to walk herself by age 2, but my younger one I think would have me carry her everywhere, anytime if I was agreeable, or if my arms could manage it. And no I'm not admitting that I just MAY occassionally SOMETIMES pick her up as she is my last baby.
Godzilla (30 months) still likes for me to carry him everywhere, and I oblige regularly out of guilt - I am hardly ever home. He does not expect his other 2 primary caregivers (grandparents) to carry him, at all, ever. (Well most of the time, anyway.) They had put their collective feet down due to pragmatism - Godzilla is nearly 40 lbs, and both of them are not in weightlifting shape. If you're good at doing the foot-put-down thing, I suggest that- it works. If not, as other posters have suggested, he'll outgrow it.
M's 26 months, and tends to want to walk everywhere unless I'm loaded down with other things or it's a hundred degrees out, then she loses the ability to use her legs.
If we're in a situation where it's important for me not to carry her, I immediately start making an idiot of myself: "ok, you don't want to walk. Let's HOP!" (or march or stomp or dance, etc.) That tends to work pretty well. Or I'll tell her we're in a parade and she needs to march while I sing a silly song. Or I sing the walk and stop song ("Oh, well you walk and you walk and you walk and you STOP!", etc. ad infinitum).
Come to think of it, M's more agreeable anytime I look like a moron.
Your back will endure what your heart demands. Your back will win the fight once he hits 45 lbs. I can't carry my 8 year old anymore, and my 5 year old says: 'pick me!' about 5 times a day. My back is starting to win, but my heart thinks we still have another 5 lbs until it gets ugly.
My son is a month younger than yours, so I can't answer the question. He still likes to be picked up a lot and he stands at the top (or bottom) of the steps whining or throwing a tantrum if I don't pick him up. I don't see a reason why anyone would be horrified by a two year old wanting to be carried. He's still a baby (I'll probably be saying that until he's in high school though). My son is definitely getting too heavy and squirmy for me to carry (especially in the winter with a thick, heavy coat on), but I will probably still do it for at least a few more months. I know I'll miss it when he really gets too big (and too easily embarrassed) to carry.
KayTar is about to be 3 and I still do a great deal of carrying. Of course, she has poor balance and fatigues easily and can only walk at one pace "Sleeping Turtle", so it is easier for everyone if I carry her a bit.
Carry him until he won't let you anymore. He's got his whole durn life to walk.
Missing the babyness today, I am.
I haven't read through everything everyone has said, but in case it hasn't been mentioned, the "one, two, three, wheeeee!" thing works well if you've got Jason or another friend handy. Even if it's just me and Oliver, he likes walking on the off chance I might be able to somehow swing him up in the air. He likes the racing bit, too. Really, though, I would think this is mostly about your convenience, not about it signifying some underlying issue.