I am not your 28-pound monkey.
January 31, 2008
I am not your monkey because I am not here to entertain you today, but rather to seek ur knowledge and drink ur branes. You are MY MONKEY today. Answer my query, monkeys! And try to keep the feces-flinging to a minimum.
QUESTION: How old were your kids when they stopped insisting on being carried everywhere? Did you indulge this insistence until they got over it themselves or did you ever just put your foot down and make them walk places on their own? And if you did that, how did you deal with the boneless-floor-puddle-thing? Leashes? Shoulder-socket transplants? Games of chicken on the Capital Beltway?
Noah wants to be carried EVERYWHERE. I cannot get him to hold my hand and walk to the car or the mailbox or even just stand there by the ATM while I dig around for my wallet. This is particularly true in wide open and unfamiliar places, but he'll still pitch fits at the top of the stairs in our house because he wants me to carry him. "Up?" he asks, over and over, until it is NO LONGER A REQUEST, WOMAN. UUUUUPPPPP.
A long time ago a certain occupational therapist was vaguely horrified to hear that we carry Noah out in public most of the time. She said this was absolutely unacceptable at Noah's age and we had to insist on Walking Like A Big Boy. I nodded and pretended to care and thought about ponies instead. I sure do like ponies.
But today at the Mock Preschool For Kids Who Can't Talk Good And Want To Learn How To Do Other Stuff Good Too I noticed that I was the only parent carrying my kid across the parking lot and through the hallways and into the classroom. In fact, most of the kids insisted on walking themselves, while Noah started to protest the instant I slid him down past my hipbone. "No wok! UP!"
It's not that we haven't tried -- but seriously, I'm not about to get into a battle of wills when we're just trying to go to the post office, or let him collapse out in the crosswalk while I lecture him about acceptable Big Boy Behavior and how he is gunning for a life alone and living in our basement because he wants his mama to carry him at 28 months old, the goddamn pansy. He can walk and run and leave me in the dust at the playground; he just chooses not to most of the time. And in the end, he still just seems...like my baby. And you carry your babies. Yes? No? Uh...ponies?
Anyway. I'm really asking because I'm just curious -- not because I'm worried or looking for something new to be worried about. Honest! All my worry spots are completely booked right now anyway, I can't even THINK about taking on a new neurosis until AT LEAST April.
Well, Emma is two days younger than Noah and she wants me to totally carry her everywhere. My logic is that it will happen soon enough that she won't want to be carried anymore. So, until then? I'll carry her. And I like it. And it's a good arm workout.
Been a lurker until I saw this post. Hmm. My son has a bit of OCD (I think, there is no diagnosis) and he is really resistant to change. That said the more I let him get away with something the harder it becomes to break him of the habit.
He used to insist that I come get him out of his bed - even after I got him the big boy bed - but one day I decided enough is enough is enough. So I said, nope, you can walk out of the room. And do you think he would? He stayed in his room from morning until night and would not come out. I brought him food and drinks and he would try to get me to pick him up. He cried. I cried. But I was determined. I think it actually took 2 days. The first day I let him walk beside me and he finally came out.
The second day he did this really weird thing. He had a giant orange ball. And he took it and rolled himself out of the room on it. Kind of like a turtle walk thing. It was so weird. And he did that for quite a while.
So what is my suggestion? I guess don't let Noah be the boss because it might just get worse. You don't want to be carrying him when he is 15...
My girls were both 20 pounds by the time they were 5 months old, and they just kept going. By 18 months, I had them walking everywhere, or else they were in the stroller. My hips couldn't take all that weight.
The thing that ALWAYS works with mine? Turn walking into a race. The most Jello-y legs in the world can't resist running like the wind.
we give our 32 month old choices. do you want to walk or ride in the buggy? walk or ride on mama's back? walk or daddy carry you? cause seriously, he is getting really heavy. i have started making him put his head down when i carry him too, mostly to help keep his weight as centered as much as possible. he would probably like to be carried most of the time by me, but he's just getting to heavy. so, basically to sum up, as he got heavier, i started putting more restrictions on when and how i would carry him, and we slowly worked into walking while holding hands. (and i was still carrying him in a sling at 24 months.) hope that helps.
The only thing that mitigated my 36 pound two year old from wanting to be carried all the time was the fact that I had another baby to carry. And most of the time he didn't care about that, but it was a physical impossibility to carry them both and the diaper bag and my purse and a toy and... you get the point. Necessity moved him forward.
I still carry him around at almost 4, but he only asks now when he's feeling all feel-y.
I have three boys, and my first two weren't near as clingy as my third. He wants to be carried EVERYWHERE, and he's 3-almost-4 and, ahem, inherited his daddy's linebacker genes. That kid is heavy! Anyway, I've worried about the same thing, but I'm just banking that this is a phase that will pass before he actually becomes a teenage linebacker *fingers crossed*.
I can remember being deathly worried about my middle son not eating. At 2, he ate little more than a grub worm and was small for his age. But low and behold, he grew out of it! And now he eats everything in sight. Had you asked me back then about it, I would have hopelessly answered, "He will surely wither away."
This is an extremely long and painful way to say, in my experience only, most things fix themselves and they just eventually grow out of it.
Hope that helps?
My daughter will be three in March. If she had her way, I'd still carry her everywhere.
Except, of course, when She Can Walk All By Her SELF! THANK YOU!
I carry her in parking lots because she is little and I don't want her to get run over.
I can't remember when my son started walking everywhere, but I know it was long before he would have chosen that.
In other words - I am useless.
Oh, sister. I have long wondered what would finally prompt me to comment. My 30-lb, 2-year-old boy expects to be carried EVERYWHERE except where he could possibly be run over by a car. Then he wants to waaaaaalllllk and beeeee freeeee! I just carry him because he's my likely my only child and I will indulge him until his future wife stabs me in the eye.
I love your blogs....even tho' I am getting older & now have a grandbaby & another on the way. Take it from me....there will come a time when you will want all the snuggles and carry-time back again. My advice: be who you are & do what you feel is right for you. In the big scheme of things, does it really matter how long you carry him? Well, yea - sure, if you start to hunch over from the weight....but things will work themselves out & one day you will say, "What happened to that little boy I used to carry all over the place?"
My baby is 4. I carried him as much as I could and still do. He can walk just fine. He gradually became more interested in walking than being carried, though, because he discovered the freedom of being able to run away from us at high rates of speed in crowded areas.
Don't worry.
I am still carrying Arun quite frequently. It is a mixed bag - sometimes he wants to walk, other times he does not. Often, he will refuse to walk if we are leaving someplace he does not want to leave. At that point, he will do his Limp Noodle Move and then I am forced to carry him. And, I should mention, his 6 month old sister at the SAME TIME. Let's just say I do not dread sleeveless shirts this summer because my arms KICK ASS these days.
Anyone trying to "enforce" what is the appropriate age limit for carrying one's child can STUFF IT.
I probably still carried my daughter 85% of the time when she was Noah's age, because I've got myself a runner. So it was as much a safety issue as a "mama's-only-child-for-the-foreseeable-fucking-future
coddling technique.
I think I finally put my foot down about the carrying at around 3 years old. (she's 3.5 now)
You could start with making him walk in places where he feels safe. I think all of Sabrina's walking started by walking into/out of preschool.
Pretty sure this is the effect of being the first and (sore subject? sorry!) so far, only child.
My only advice would be to try to make it fun for him to walk... "Noah... do you want to walk? or do you want to RUN!?" Give him a choice that doesn't involve you carrying him around. Kids love having control, you just need to direct it... "should we hop? or just walk across the street?" Or whatever.
Of course, if you LIKE carrying him, then who cares, but I get so tired of dragging their heavy selves around.
I have a 4 year old and while she walks most every where we go now, she still likes me to pick her up and carry her on occasion. And I do because someday she'll be in high school and probably won't let me carry her to prom.
I'd say go with what feels right to you and don't worry what other people say.
The Beaner is 3 years, 2 months, and he still wants to be picked up/carried a lot. Sometimes I make him walk, sometimes I carry him. Depends on whether I'm feeling generous, whether my hands are empty, and whether I have the energy. Lately I've been encouraging him to walk more because we're going to Disney World in a couple months, and if he doesn't build up his stamina now, he'll never make it across a single park.
Do you mind carrying him? If not, then who cares what other people think? At some point, he won't want to be carried and as long as you don't mind doing it, then I wouldn't stop.
Mine is five and I prefer to carry (or strap her in a cart) her when possible. She runs, far, far away. She does not care if I am not with her. Life is her bowl of cherries. We have the discussions about the possible horrific outcomes. We have had a Target lock-down. I have had many disapproving looks while I generally lose it after finding her across a grocery store. Encourage Noah to venture out, just be careful of what you wish for.
I carried my oldest most of the time until she was 23 months. She started walking on foot more out of necessity, because her little sister arrived to join the party. My oldest is now 3 1/2, and I still carry her now and then. Simply because she wants to be my baby sometimes, I because I like holding her.
(I'm kinda tired of "professionals" telling us how our kids need to be, by the way...)
My little guy will be 3 in April and he asks to be carried all the time. The minute I say "time to go" he asks to be carried to the car. He will even ask to go "bare feet" a few times just so I will have to carry him. I usually laugh (because it just comes out) then tell him that he still needs to wear shoes even if I carry him. Just in case he actually has to walk. Of course there are also the times that he'll do it "all by myself" and have non of this carry me stuff. My 5 year old actually will ask me periodically to pick him up or carry him but he's way to heavy so that's pretty much a no go.
I started to stop carrying my son Ethan when he was about 18 months, and I was 6 months pregnant. I knew that I wouldn't be able to carry him in a few short months, and wanted to get that worked out before baby arrived. My daughter, I stopped carrying pretty early (before 2) because she INSISTED on walking (like her brother) - and also, she was (and is) huge. It was too much to haul a 35 lb kid around while watching out for the Older Sibling Who Likes To Run Behind Parked Cars. Easier to make everyone walk and install a 'hold my hand! HOLD MY HAND!" rule instead.
On a slightly related note, when we started daycare/preschool, one good tip I heard was having the child WALK IN themselves rather than being carried in, made the goodbye moment a lot easier. It makes sense, as they if they're walking themselves, they're more like their own person.. you know? Already somewhat detached from the parent. Whereas if you're carrying them, they are more of an extension of you.. and then seeing you go is that much harder. Maybe the therapist's views came from something along those lines?
However, I miss carrying them. I would probably not do anything different, but they're so big so fast (daughter soon to be 4 and son will be 6 in may) *sniff* They're both still snuggly bugs though. We could hang out snuggling on the couch all night, so it's all good.
Lilia is a few weeks younger than Noah and we have this same problem. Lucky for me she probably only weighs 22 pounds. Anyway, I find that it helps if she has a job. I'll give her something to carry from the car to the elevator in our building and her bones solidify right up.
Mine don't ask to be carried, but my second I always put in a sling because she was an escape artist. Could just be part of the SPD stuff and unpredictable environments. No, no...not trying to id another problem, just saying. I guarantee he'll grow out of it and you won't be carrying him around a college campus.
My 24-month old? Wants to walk when I need to carry her (traffic, large crowds, herds of elephants). When I want her to walk because I'm balancing the weight of the world in my hands while trying to pry open a door, the very idea of putting her feet on the ground causes her to go into convulsions. Dang kids and their stupid opinions . . .
My daughter is 4 and my son is 2 and I still carry both of them (usually at the same time) a lot. I did not even know this was probably a bad thing until I read all the comments. It never occured to me to even question it. lol. When I was pregnant with my son my daughter was 18 months. ANd I used to make her walk as much as possible. Only because I could not carry her after 8 months pregnancy. But, I prefer to carry them becaue they walk so freakin slow. And I am a fast walker. It drives me nuts when they want to walk and I just want to hurry up and go.
I loved the comment about "if you are noticing it now, it is probably time to address it." Seriously, that is some great wisdom that makes total sense in parenting, and something after nearly 3 years, I still don't figure out. (Think about it - it applies to everything! When to move up on diaper sizes! When to upgrade to the next clothing size! When to cut back on the same dinner for 20 nights in a row! Brilliance.)
In any case, my nearly 3yo still wants to be carried, not constantly, but in certain situations. I am 8+ months pregnant, so I have been claming that I have a "booboo on my back" (because you aren't supposed to blame the baby for anything you can't do so it doesn't give them more fodder to want to kick it once it is born) and that has worked - but it took time. My husband still carries him up the stairs - and I wish we were both consistent about it. But the booboo thing has been effective - tell him you can't and see what happens. And be firm. And based on the stories above, be prepared for a day-long battle.
I still will pick him up in a scary or unfamiliar situation - even at 8+ months pregnant. I don't think it is a cold turkey thing, but I think walking across a parking lot, to the ATM, etc. is a reasonable expectation.
And I agree on the whole "make it a race up the stairs" "swing them by the arms" strategy. I actually play a game on the steps where I will touch the step and say "I got this one" and my son LOVES it - who ever "gets" the top step first is the "big winner." (And I am the "second big winner" since, you know, life shouldn't be about winning and losing.)
After reading this, I fear for my sanity...
My son is 3 and we still carry him across the parking lots. I'm a paraniod impatient woman and I just cannot handle the thought of A) it taking me 20 minutes to get across the Target parking lot in 30 degree weather and B) Hellooo crazy college kid drivers. So, we carry. Now once inside the store he has ZERO interest in me or a basket. We're working on that.
I would carry him because it's snuggly and because it would keep my arms toned and I am vain.
You know I have no professional experience with kids nor any kids of my own, right?
My kid wants to be carried everywhere too. This has been especially wonderful in during the Massive Lumbering Land-Whale stage of pregnancy. It's actually easier than *chasing* him, though, so . . . Hey, maybe we should just strap our kids to a hand cart, Hannibal-Lecter-style, and wheel them from Point A to Point B. That would RULE.
As a mother of four children (oldest 28, youngest 7)(mad- I know), I have to say that I really can't remember at all what age they were when I stopped carrying them around,although I'm sure it was older than 2+.
My most sensitive child wanted to be carried around all the time, he was very late with his speech and *learning* developement at school, blah blah... and now he is a very lovely 19 year old talented musician who loves his Mum a lot.
You are his Mummy- you know best.
I love your blog by the way.
I carried my son until he was about 5 and a half, about 2 weeks before my daughter was born. Mostly because he just still seemed like a baby to me before that. I stopped carrying my daughter everywhere shortly before she turned 2. She just seemed ready earlier.
I would think that if he CAN walk places by himself and DOES walk some places by himself and if you are starting to feel like she SHOULD walk other places himself then it might be time.
The point I wanted to make was that he is probably going to protest and put up a fight no matter when you do it if he's the kind of kid who wants to be carried everywhere (Hell, if I could find someone to do it, *I* would LOVE to be carried everywhere). At some point you have to be willing (even in the crosswalk on the way to the post office) to fight that battle and win. I think the insisting you carry him and you giving in at some point could start to be the issue (I'm not saying now, you would know that best).
You're his Mommy and you know him best. If you feel like it might be best for him (and you) to start walking, then go for it. It's plainly obvious you're a great Mom... go with your gut.
I am not lying to you when I tell you I just came in from carrying my daughter in one arm and the garbage in the other out to the garbage can because she MUST BE IN MY ARMS AT ALL TIMES.
So, um, I'm scared to read the comments.
I had to stop carrying son #1 around 24 months because I was pregnant and he was too heavy. I tried to make it into a game. We'd sing the "We are the Dinosaurs" song by Laurie Berkner and we'd "march" along. That worked some of the time to get him to come along when he'd try to insist on "uppie". Son #2 WANTS to walk, but is a runner so he gets carried when he starts to run off! :-)
Let me begin by saying I scrolled thru most of the comments without reading all of them, so if this has already been said, my apologies. But I remember my kids wanting to be carried at different times, and particularly when they were feeling a little more needy than other times. Since Noah's being introduced to other outside experiences -- therapy, preschool, etc. -- maybe he's just a little more 'clingy' with you. It's a security thing, I think, and he'll grow out of it. In the meantime, enjoy the closeness (and shift from side to side so as to tone the muscles in BOTH arms!!!).
My sister just went through this battle because she carried her first kid everywhere until he was nearly 4. He now has some catching-up to do on the playground, because he's honestly kind of unsure how to handle being on his own two feet. It's kind of sad to see, in a way. I'm sure he'll figure it out. Her second son is 2 and she spent about 3-4 weeks just saying "no" when he wanted to be picked up and carried, and after those 3-4 weeks of crying and whining, he one day just stopped asking and is now having the time of his life running, jumping, hopping, and so on. So, maybe it's gotta be cold turkey, and just endure the pain for that short period of time.
My son just turned two and likes to be carried as well. I think they just like that closeness. The way I look at is I have never seen a teenager being carried around by his Mom.
As soon as mine could walk safely I let them walk whenever possible. Mostly out of necessity though. With two of them, I just can't carry them around with me. Now the one that will reliably hold my hand will walk and I'll occasionally carry the other one if he's trying to run away.
They just learned how to say up though, so that all may change.
From the Mom that just watched my "Baby" get on a plane to boot camp, I say carry him as long as he will let you. Believe me you will wish you could snatch him up and carry him later.
I stopped carrying my oldest when she was 3 because that's when her twin sisters were born and I had only 2 arms and they won. Then I stopped carrying them when they were too heavy for me to pick them both up, because if you carry one, you gotta carry the other. I still carry each of them (one at a time) every once in awhile, when they'll let me. Until my back gives out.
I say that he should be walking most of the time now. It will suck at first trying to get him to walk and hold his hand but he'll figure it out. It's sort of like potty training... it takes a lot of work and is not fun but the end result is so worth it.
Excuse me while I pop a couple more ibuprofen to deal with my back pain from carrying my 30 month old daughter through Bed, Bath & Beyond, Cost Plus and Best Buy today.
I assure you that you're not the only one getting dirty looks from old ladies at Target as you try to maneuver a shopping cart with one hand and carry your kid WHO WILL NOT SIT IN THE FRICKIN' SHOPPING CART.
If girl shoes weren't so cute, I wouldn't bother to put them on her. They won't touch the ground....
Mine is going on 14, so the memories are a bit faded, but I can most cetainly recall bitching to a co-worker about carrying a child who's feet damn near touched mine when I held her. She wan't a cuddler as a baby, so being the puddle I am, I took most opportunities to snuggle with her. Well, till her shoe size was bigger than mine, and she had a good two inches of height on me..Time goes so fast, drink up all of the good you can. Puberty will be here quicker than you think..
My husband, sweet though he is, indulged my now nearly 5 year old with always carrying her because he didn't want the fight and she still wants to be carried by him in her 45 lb glory. He has since learned with our 30 month old and he doesn't beg to be carried unless he is particularly tired or scared.
I, on the other hand, never carried either of them if they could walk holding my hand (because I was usually carrying lots of other things, anyway). Neither of them ask me much to carry them either, unless the aforementioned tired or scared thing, when I obviously oblige willingly. There was never a fight for long. You either walk with me or stay in the spot you are. I am much more stubborn than any 2 year old.
That said, they are also much more clingy when out in public with my husband, but much more outgoing when I am around, but they might be modeling our behaviours as my sweet british husband is very introverted and I am a loud raucous new yorker who hasn't found a person that I can't make friends with.
I haven't read any of the other comments, but my kid is two months younger than Noah. He walks everywhere (well, like about 95% of the time). This is mostly due to the fact that his sister is 16 months younger than him, so around the time when he was about 14 months I just didn't have the space on my body to carry him. So he had to walk. So I told him repeatedly "Mummy can't carry you, you have to walk please."
He still sometimes wants me to carry him, like if we're walking to school for example, but I learned early on to always bring the double stroller even if he insists he wants to walk because you can only walk up hill pushing an infant in a stroller while your toddler rides on your stroller so many times before you learn that it's better to walk around with an empty stroller seat than a toddler hanging off your body.
Also, I find that giving him something to carry, like a very light grocery bag or (cringe) my purse, and saying, "Can you carry this bag for me?" kinda helps.
I stopped carrying my daughter when she was 2, she was perfectly capable of walking on her own, and after about three weeks of mini temper tantrums she realized that mom had no problem taking a breather on the curb for 20 minutes while she thrashed around and acted like a general idiot. She still throws tantrums every once in awhile and I still have no problem letting her act like an idiot until she gets it out of her system, except of course if the abusive language starts up. She is 4 now, but is more at the intelligence level of a 7 yr old. Her behavioral level is still at 4 however, i sure wish they matched up.
delurking again...because I think this is important. You truly need to trust your instincts. Mine are grown now...2 boys that were both big. One never wanted to be carried and the other would still let me carry him and he is almost 21! When I noticed that I seemed to be the only one still carrying my kid, I started trying to figure out the best way to stop, and like everything else, we used the carrot and stick method. If we COULD make it a game, offer an incentive, have a talk, or do ANYTHING positive to achieve getting him to walk, we did. If we couldn't, we just refused to carry him. Having said that, I tried to avoid putting my kids in situations where they were over tired, over stressed, etc, but sometimes you can't, and during those times we made allowances and just carried him. Also, there were times when I was the one that was over tired and over stressed and just couldn't handle the battle and gave and in and went on. Again, trust your own instincts to do what is right at the time and place that is right and know that you will never be perfect. I always only half jokingly said "When you're a teenager, I will provide you the name of a good therapist to undo all the damage I've done"!
Seems like other cultures are so much more comfortable with the carrying thing. My oldest son was did the boneless thing to get down all the time, but when I had the twins, they loved to be carried. My in-laws always rolled their eyes about it. They still as teens love to snuggle (even the oldest). Noah will get down when he's ready.
Just to add something totally constructive, since I don't have kids -- Brad and Angelina are always carrying their kids. I wonder what they'll do? I think I only recently saw a picture of Zara (is that her name -- I'm blanking) standing/walking on her own.
OK. If you're truly concerned about it and want him to walk you can go crazy and do a behavior plan - stickers or something rewarding when he walks somewhere on his own.
But realistically. Who cares if he still gets carried. I don't think you have to worry about him still wanting to be carried when he's an adult because you do when he is 28 months.
Something to observe, though, because of sensory issues is why he wants to be carried. Is the outside environment overwhelming in one of the sensories for him that he wants your physical protection? Could be with stairs too - they can look pretty scary when you think of the size he is.
I can't remember when I stopped carrying my son. I think it was just over time. Over time he wanted more independence and over time he got it. That and there were some times it was more appropriate for him to walk independently and others it wasn't possible.
My kiddo had serious(and frustratingly unexplained) motor dealys and did not walk until the age of 28 months. I got so in the habit of carrying her everywhere that I would do it automatically even after she miraculously started walking. I remember getting publicly scolded at her preschool for carrying her up the stairs instead of making her walk. I can honestly say that being carried around has not scarred her for life and my back has not been permanently damaged. Pick your battles, I say, because all phases come to an end - hallelujah!!